2 entries in one day

I felt sick yesterday and that distraction made me forget to blog. I'm sitting here. I told Jeremy of the possible epiphany I had. And I smiled. .as he's kissing me...and just taking in that moment.  When your life consisted of Lifetime movie moments....its really nice that my life switched to the Hallmark channel.  Jeremy is everything. Jeremy is...well...He's Jeremy. ...and I love him.

Afterthought

I had a wonderful conversation w a friend yesterday.  However,  in that conversation I realized something.  As wevwere describing things refarding our fallout I picked up more clues regarding the culprit trying manipulate their lives and directly affected our fallout. I felt had...not by the friend I had the fall out w. By the friend who orchestrated drama, lies, and deception.  And as an afterthought I wondered...were they trying to affect my marriage too? It's hard to explain where I came up w the wonder w out giving details. So let me walk away w this. You are poison. And I'm glad I finally made the right decision to yank you out of my life.  And when I asked why you wanted to save our friendship you told me in so many ways...I was collateral.  Afterthought.  Sometimes things, memories, music, or something takes me back. I work through them...like therapy. It helps me process the world better.

50 years

It seems long ago...because in some ways it is.But in the grand scheme of things it's not that long ago.  A speech that changed people's outlook. A man that made people think.  It's hard to believe Martin Luther King Jr's speech happened today, 50 years ago.So much has changed. However, I still notice opression, bullying, and prejudice.  I wonder if people recognize that while their opinion differs it isn't their views that hurt people. It's a shame a person may have ignorant views but that isn't the problem.  The problem is the brutality...and the bullying people do because of their beliefs.  That isn't "Christian".  That isn't a person of good morals.  Least that's how I see it.  I don't know if I go so far as I respect people's opinion. I judge their ignorance.  However, I respect their right to vocalize that.  On the flip side of that I don't respect those who bully...who brutalize their ignorant views and bring them to life.  Human rights...are all kinds of rights where oppression exists.  I watch...I read..I hear of the brutal attacks that sometimes lead to death because someone was gay, or black,a woman or just...different.  Someone has a problem with you...and rather than just ignore you...they terrorize you.  It makes me wonder the parenting they are receiving.  They learn that behavior somewhere.  I don't have the answers. But I would like more conversation put into what all this means.

When you have a moment

As I was having an incredible conversation today...I remember that I have been lucky to experience life to the fullest....whether it's painful...or joyful..it's been experiences.  I have this thing about experiences. I want to life life by the fullest.  I want to say...I felt this..I had this...I did this.  And by allowing myself to experience those things I am able to have a "moment".  Because when you have a moment...like these...you appreciate the beauty that darkness brings. You appreciate that light that comes into your life.  You are grateful for the positive energy that your life has...whether it be the people in your life, the experiences you have, or the realization that you are living your life..by your rules, your terms, your beliefs, and your values.  It's a feeling of empowerment that is indescribable.

Back to school

It was great reading my feed and seeing all those pictures.  I can't wait for the fall.  That means jackets, hot tea, fall leaves...and other lovely things.  I always look forward to this time of year.  Thomas is going to be in high school and Ashley will be in middle school.  Let me take a minute to process that.  They are growing up so much! I am also hoping I get to go back to school. Mine wouldn't start until November.  I'm really excited if I'm able to go back.  Key word is hope.  We are out of furlough but that doesn't necessarily mean out of the woods just yet.  We will just have to wait!

Judgement

We all do it.  I know I do it.  I try to be careful when I judge, tho.  I don't know the whole story.  And quite frankly, it's non of my business.  At least that is the mindset I want someone to have of my life.  My life, my choices, my marriage, and my parenting...are well...none of your business.  I don't mind suggestions. I don't mind opinions.  I reconfirmed that philosophy as I was having lunch with a friend.  You really don't know the ins and outs of what goes on behind the scenes.  You may want to do the saying..."Well...if it was me...or your life or marriage shouldn't look like that".  I respect that someone wants to put that out there....but they aren't me.  I live life on a different set of rules.  I still abide by rules like thou shall not kill thy neighbor.  But society rules...the rules that say I have to act my age...or look a certain way for my age.  I've come to a certain point in my life where I recognize that I won't appease people on my decisions.  I'm okay with that.  I'm happy on my decisions. I'm happy on how I conduct myself. I make mistakes...oh do I! But I like learning the hard way sometimes.  As ridiculous as that sounds it's the best way for me to learn what I like or don't like...what I understand or don't.  Sometimes learning....is doing.  Even if that doing is the wrong way.

Tangent Overload

That's just one amazing song.  I have a confession to make.  I imagine I am on Broadway. I'm in a top hat and tuxedo outfit but with shorts instead.  You know the outfit.  Hey. Sometimes I wish there was an adult version of Lizzie McGuirre.  I could see it.  Housewife...that's a time traveler (Have to have some kind of Dr. Who connection).  Goes on these adventures.  Her companion is a talking dog..yeah. Can you see I am making this up as I go? It sounds entertaining...at least. I'm sorry. I'm still trying to figure where Jersey Shore and Honey Boo Boo (and yes even the Hills) can make it to television.  Now...where was I? I think I just had an oooh something shiny moment.  Back to the song Feeling good. I noticed Nina Simone sings it.

I only had heard the Michael Buble version.  Muse? Really? Now I am intrigued.  Focus, Jess!

Music has an effect on me.  Over the years I have developed a more eclectic taste. I like that about myself. I hope it shows the maturity of my taste.  Strange as it may seem I do have mature moments.  I prefer to be that carefree spirit.  However, there are times my demeanor requires a little more subdued side to me.  Like say...a funeral.  And no...I haven't busted out laughing.  I see that in movies. Does it really happen.  Something tells me that this blog entry had a mind of it's own and sort of went on it's on journey...of no real direction.  And that's okay.  Sometimes not knowing all the answers is good.  I prefer planning...Which is such an oxymoron to my free spirit.  I am a contradiction in the making.......

This time..I'll be bulletproof

Since I am doing yesterday's blog entry...I guess I will do today's.  Dreams.  I noticed within the last few days a handful of friends having not so pleasant dreams. Myself included in the not so pleasant dreams.  I was rather curious about that.  I was wondering if the Universe was sending some kind of sign or just pure coincidence.  Mine was about dreaming about a toxic person.  I don't normally dream of this person...but there they were...invading my sleep.  Sometimes I wonder why certain dreams happen.  Dr. Jung was an expert on the subject of dreams and often described dreams as a doorway for subliminal messaging.  In other words, people and things in our dreams represented or symbolized other things.  That could have been the case in my dream.  This person triggers me profoundly.  I hadn't realized until I removed them from my life that they had caused so much chaos around me.  I lost a friend or two because they were friends with this person...and at times I am sad about that.  I don't regret the loss. I figure they will come to realize the manipulation of "Jordan".  We will call this person "Jordan".  I also had another unnerving moment where I thought I recognized a former best friend.  The blood drained from me.  I hadn't realized that certain people still have the effect of unnerving me.  Good to know..right?.  It got me thinking of people in my life that I hope not to run into.  I wondered how I would react to these people.  I would hope I keep my composure.  Key word...hope.  Which is why it got me thinking of things.  They are just people.  They hold memories...unpleasant vessels of bad memories.  A friend  once pointed out that I give power to songs that trigger...memories that trigger pain.  This was not to minimize my pain in any way.  But it did point out the power I give memories, songs, and people. I thought of that when I was thinking of toxic people in my life. I finally removed them in my life.  It was a slow process.  I can't have others say " I told you so".  I don't work that way.  I have experience the pain for myself in order to learn.  I don't like that but I would rather remove someone because I felt the need to....Not that someone was influencing me.  I already did that once...and it pained me...So....talking myself down.  Allowing myself to feel the pain...but give it's place..in the past...and remind myself of the reality I live in.  I felt safe reminding myself of that.

Missed a day...It happens

Before I would been so unhappy that my consistency failed.  Now..I figured..it's a blog...I can double blog tomorrow.  Really..the simplest things used to set me off.  Jeremy had his work cut out! But we got through it.  I also think my medication contributed to some of my behavior issues.  I found out the hard way that certain medication can alter your behavior.  Anyways, today is chores day.  I spend the day with a friend on Monday and yesterday so I need to play catch up.  I went back to listening to Pandora.  It's easier to get on my desktop.  Spotify was being difficult.  I live this glamorous life...right? Sometimes I just let my mind wander and figure a subject. Sometimes..I do blank out and can't quite figure the direction my mind is going.  I made a necklace yesterday.  I am loving it.  It's my new thing.  I'm addicted to it. I'm thinking of more earrings and necklaces to make.  We had dinner with a friend the other day. I made the comment I don't want to buy my jewelry. I'm going to make it. Don said.."You heard it here first..." But I really want to explore different patterns and ideas.  And if I want jewelry...I'll just make it. Which makes me proud to say.  I made that jewelry.  I don't know to explain it.  Maybe because I didn't expect this side of me.  You know how sometimes people say they knew they had it in themselves but were just trying to find a way to get it out. Not me.  I literally didn't know this side of me existed.  And I really like it.  Now...maybe I can have some baking in my future.

Where did August go?

It feels like August just started. And now...somehow it's whizzing past us.  I made my first jewelry this month.  I took a huge step to making positive energy from a negative moment in my life.  I conceptualized my DIY patio project.  It's been a busy month for finding myself.  I am still finding that identity.  I like this Suzie Homemaker side to me.  I don't think I really had the confidence in myself to try this side out.  In some ways...I've mellowed out. In other ways...I'm still the wild child I can be.  Either way...I'm the ever adorable wife to Jeremy.  I drive that man crazy...and drive him crazy.  I love making him smile.  I made earrings today! In fact, I made two pairs today! I also made another bracelet.  I think I found one of my craft loves. Anyways, quality time with a friend, lunch, and then coffee made for a really wonderful day.  Well...not much going on.  My philosophical side has writer's block.

My extraordinary experiences

One doesn't want to dwell on a past.  But I wouldn't change my past.  It led me to Jeremy.  I have been lucky enough to taken paths where I lived in Sweden.  Where I lived in Germany.  I experienced things before I settled down as a wife.  I like the idea of that.  I never expected to be a military wife...and there I was being one.  Although that isn't an experience I care to repeat.  I saw snow....twice.  In fact...I'm pretty good about not seeing snow again! I had an online experience.  I went to the headquarters of the Hummel factory.  I went to Poland.  I've been in the military.  And these are the experiences I can remember.  If I were to leave this world I could happily say I tried things...because I could.  I used to fear the unknown.  I did them anyways.  I was more afraid of regret.  I got a tattoo.  I have had many extraordinary experiences with Jeremy.  And let me tell you they have been wonderful.  However, I am glad that I had things before Jeremy.  Sometimes people have that feeling of regret of not doing things before they settle down.  I did things before...and even after. Jeremy is adventurous.  I like that about him.  I'm still enjoying those experiences.  They all shape the kind of person I am still wanting to become.  I still haven't learned all that life has to offer. So I am still here...a student of life...wanting to take in the lessons.

The art of keeping busy

I'm not one for being idle. Don't get me wrong. I take me days. However,  I get a sense of guilt if I'm not being productive.  I've created projects that keep me busy. I'm really enjoying the DIY projects because they help the house or make things easier. They help in some way. Even jewelry making has a function.  If I need a new necklace,  bracelet, or pair of earrings...I make it. I also put me days because if I don't watch myself I'll overdo it. And being there for my friends.  I call it free therapy.   So..my job is to make the house work..look nice..keep running right...see what needs to be done for repairs....storage room...you get the idea. I really am the administration of Kearney Kastle. I'm the day planner. I'm the social event planner.  I'm the secretary. I love it.

Good is really great

Jeremy is a considerate guy.  While he does have so many guy moments....and emphasizes my girl moments...he is a really nice guy.  He listens to me.  I can't say that many men do that. We communicate.  Sometimes I have trouble getting my point across.  There he is helping me out.  I know I frustrate him.  I know sometimes he doesn't mean to condescend.  So we find a happy medium to express our thoughts.  By no means is our relationship perfect with cupcakes and unicorns....(insert Jeremy making a puking and gagging sound)...but I am grateful that we express appreciation for each other.  We say it daily...something nice...something complimentary.  I also don't require as much attention as I used to.  Sometimes I crave more attention. But I usually can find satisfaction with a chick flick.  And there are weekends where my attention is given.  I can't imagine trying to make this work with someone else.  We fit.  We have this chemistry...We have this connection.  I don't even know how to explain it.  We still are learning things from each other.  I like that.  Passion.  We have that.  I don't ever want to lose that.

Significance of certain days

I was watching this movie last night that centered around a particular day.  It showed the evolution of a friendship.  It got me thinking on how I have days that circle me with meaning.  May 19th..the day my grandma passed away.  A few years before I met my first husband.  August 1st...the assault. October 30th the day my supervisor passed away.   Happier days...March 16th...The day I got married.  Jan 20th.  The day I met Jeremy. July 26th...the day I graduated with a Master's degree.   The point is these days mean so much to my psyche.  It got me wondering about other people and what days impact them...or is it just a me thing? I am guessing not.  I put emphasis on these days.  Whether bad or good I give control to these days to impact me.  Words are just words...until we give them meaning...Dates are just dates...until we give them a memory.  It's like having a movie clip in my mind.  I watch the clip roll...I find myself smile, cringe, sigh, or laugh.  Flashback memories...they call them. I am triggered by them.  It can be a positive. It can also be a negative.  I am learning to leave them as just that...just a memory,  It takes time though.  And second chances.  Ah movies...between the song playing in Silver Lining Playbook and the date centered in One day...It just got me thinking....Have I got you started now? lol

Last Furlough Monday

Things will be going back to normal.  While it has been fun having Jeremy home I am happy things are going back to normal.  It means we aren't stressing of that one 8 hour of income not coming in.  It doesn't seem like a lot..but in the grand scheme of things it is.  My next project is jewelry making.  Rosie got me started with beads.  I need to get the tools (I have one of the pliers) and some wire.  I also need to get two cinder blocks.  I've done some DIY home fragrance.  And it smells great! I combined rose and cinnamon. I also reorganized my necklaces and earrings.  Yah! I love that one.  They have been tangling up and irritating me.  Not much else.  I was having a conversation about craft...and a friend mentioned that in it's own way DIY is a craft.  I like that sound of that.  I'm no quilter...or stitcher... or scrapbooker.... Jewelry making has potential.  Things for the home and beauty products have been the big focus with me.  But my craft kick is DIY.  I like it. I LIKE IT! :)

A day later but still consistent

Somewhere along the way I forgot to blog.  So here is my still consistent day later blog entry.  I am obsessed.  And I don't think it's going away.  I have found my love in DIY projects...whether it comes to beauty, home improvements, or the idea of a party.  Who is this person? What have I evolved into???! I have to go back and remind myself that two lifetimes ago I wouldn't understand a person I have become today.  Two lifetimes ago I wasn't dealing with Epilepsy like I am today.  Age certainly helps you to be more educated and aware of things revolved around your life.  We are all different.  For some it's a craft like stitching. For some it's nursing. For some it's children. For some it's just making life easier for our very hectic life  We have some focus that revolves around the life we have created.  Sharing that with friends may help us find inspiration, good advice, or general good feeling of just sharing.  And so today...and many other days it might feel like my focus on my blog has gone more DIY there will be a dash of psychology that shows it's pretty little head.  After all, in my blog perhaps there is a conversation starter, a seed, or something that boggles your mind of why I brought it up.  I want to make you laugh some days. I want to make you think.  Maybe even some days I want to make you cry. (Okay...maybe not cry but at least have your eye ducts function at a reasonable level) (Insert SMH laugh now) And somewhere we can find the playlist or soundtrack to your life that we have been looking for.  

Back to normal for Jeremy

It will be nice to be off furlough.  We were doing okay. Key word okay.  There was always that worry of nothing breaking down because there was no "extra savings" somewhere. I liked having Jeremy on Mondays but him and I are happy that things will be back to normal.  Although we might at least for a couple of months still conduct things as though he were to save money. This DIY kick has got me thinking of saving money...and keeps me busy.  It also educates and informs me of materials and ingredients right in my house...and the benefits they bring.

DIY

I am thinking because of the furlough I suddenly became interested in Do it yourself projects.  It also could be the influence of Rosie.  Do it yourself gets my creative juices out. I find an outlet for them.  It also keeps me busy. I started on home makeover.  I think beauty is next.  Home remedies is also something I am looking at.  The nice part is that saves money.  It also helps me look items and see ingredients that I never would have considering as a beauty product, a home remedy, or something to utilize for my house.  It's one of those huh..Who would have thought?

Blah day

I don't much to say. Not very productive.  Energy level was low.  Take care

Memory lane

I took trip down memory lane thanks to a friend.  Sometimes my other lives...feel like well...just that...lifetimes ago.  I can't imagine sometimes that those lifetimes ago were even me.  In fact, what is most incredible to me is that they were lifetimes and last names ago.  I was Moser for so many years.  I was Moser divorced longer than I ever was married.  But I had such pride in that name.  I established myself with that name.  I formed an identity...with that name.  Ortiz...while my maiden name and original didn't connect with me.  True....I am Hispanic by heritage. However...I don't follow much of the traditions in my heritage.  Sometimes I wished I did.  I would like to be proud of the more pleasant traits of being Mexican American...rather than the usual stereotype that gets tagged to us.  But it also became an interesting feeling to be Moser...in Germany.  Strange as that sounds because it was a name I acquired by marriage.  The idea of heritage at times seems rather foreign to me...pardon the pun.  I am Jess.  I love Irish things.  I love to dance. I love trying out new foods. I am Jess.  Sometimes it's hard to describe.  But the trip down memory lane reminded me the journey that I took lifetimes ago...to come full circle....to be exactly where I am most at home.  A Kearney.

Today

I made it through the day. I ventured out into the world. And I'm proud of myself for that
 This day changed everything.  But I never tegret it. Without the darkness of the storm you can't completely appreciate the beauty.