Words of encouragement

My support system is invaluable.  I cannot even express how humbled I am by the words of encouragement.  It does something to my psyche that while things didn't quite happen like I hoped. ...that I have so many extraordinary individuals rooting for me. My heart is melting.

Truly a day for the books...late entry

Since I'm up...not feeling well anyway. ...What a day. Today was an adventure.  I'd like to count it as my August 1st adventure.  I appreciate the effort that Leah took to help me out of my little rut. It's a set back.  However,  never a dull moment with me. Today...truly marks a day in the books. I feel blessed in this odd way that things didn't go according to plan. Things happen for a reason. Lessons learned.  What a day. What a memory. 

Perspective

I need perspective. I'm not quite there yet. I need some time to let this sort of process.  Ok. A plan to process.  And maybe a drink. ..or two

Balance

There's this careful dance that balance has to be. You want to work hard. However,  if you work too hard you can over exert yourself.  You're burnt out. You also have to make sure not to slack off. Balance for some is harder than it has to be. But we always want to keep pushing.  Just 6 more minutes.  Those breaks are just as important.  Now...if we can only convince ourselves.

Life is messy

I've come to learn that life is messy. People will goof or mess up. You will to people and they to you. Roll with the punches.  If things set you off or you flip easily something else is going on. I spent years watching someone flip over small things. I even used to be like that. And today I once again witnessed flipping out. I'm too tired to deal with the crazy anymore. Let's just skip to the part where I remove you from the situation.  You are no longer welcome to my area that I wish to keep peaceful. 

My brain can only take so much

So much info. It sounds like this test will be " easier" than I imagine.  And that could be the case but I'm not there yet. I'm at the stage of so much info I hope I'm studying the right stuff. What helps is I went through the comprehensive.  I felt that same pressure.  I did well. And people have confidence in me.  That helps because sometimes I have it. Sometimes I don't.  And I try to psyche myself out of the feeling.  I think I need more sleep.

The beautiful life of boring

It seems like a lifetime ago that I had a crazy messed up life.  Most of my relationships I would sabotage.  I was waiting on the one that counted.  I just didn't expect it to be Jeremy.  We lead a boring life of sorts.  I went back to school to fulfill a life long dream.  I have wanted to become a massage therapist for so long.  Jeremy works.  But in that boring we find such wonderful adventures.  We do things together. We talk. We continue the friendship part of us.  If there is one person I can say just about anything to, it would be Jeremy.  So yeah...the beautiful life of boring....I'll take it! It's certainly not the life I expected to have. It is the one I had hoped to have.  I also at one time in my life envision that I deserved it. Now...being with Jeremy and reprogramming the brain regarding emotions....I deserve it. I deserve to be happy.  That takes guts to say. And mean it.

Friendship

I just want to thank you for being a friend.  Sometimes a friend can't give face time.  Our busy lives don't allow us the luxury to dictate when we can give that time or not.  So we cherish when we do get face time with friends.  Those friendships are priceless.  And here is the beautiful thing about friendships.  They aren't wrapped in pretty little ribbons and wrapping paper.  They get messy.  They get frustrating.  They get...well what friendships ought to be. A reflection of our messy lives.  Yes. Social media and networking does provide a sense of disconnecting with people.  Unless you don't make it true.  Are there some friends that I don't talk to on a daily basis? Absolutely. It doesn't make the friendship any less valuable.  The friendship has value because I think it's valuable.  Some friends provide support. Some provide a nice shake of a reality check.  Some help to provide a nonjudgmental way to provide support or provide an alternative way of thinking.  The value barometer measures what is important to me and who.  So what is important to me?  I want your take on things.  I will still decide for myself but I like different perspective on things.  I like to be open to new ideas and angles.  Loyalty.  Silliness.  Intelligence.  On some level the close ones provide that.  I am grateful for those friendships.  I feel independent from a sense of what's right for anyone else and more what's right for me.  So here's to friendship.  Sometimes it makes sense...because it doesn't make sense.

The madness

There is a method to the madness.  We all have things that bring out the inner weirdo. Finding someone that not only accepts but loves that inner weirdo. ..well...that's a keeper.  You find someone that gets you. Don't ever let them go.

Day late...it happens

Strength comes from unusual places.  I say that because not everyone is going to believe.  And that's ok. Questions are part of the process.  Even if we're not sure what the process is. Faith is powerful.  Because you have someone believe even without proof this truth exists in normal standards of rationality.  Even without evidence.  Without complete certainty. Without the guarantee of things turning out ok. Even truth itself as an absolute needs a certain faith component. Is our truth just a version of our truth? Does it pay to keep searching for the truth? Is it our business to meddle in someone else's truth? DOUBLE RAINBOW. What does it all mean?  Question is...do we want this truth?  All valid questions.  Truth is...I like faith...even if I don't have all the answers.  I like puzzles.  I like being wrong even when I'm right. I like being right even when I'm wrong.  And this doesn't just apply to spiritual aspects.  The universe is a mystery I may never solve. But putting the puzzle pieces together.  I have faith I'll figure it all...as I go. And that makes all the difference. 

Flirting with my husband

I can't tell you what it is. I'd call it love is blind but I see his flaws. I'd call it a spell but I'm sober in love. Something about Jeremy draws like no individual has. We seem so opposite  at times that even I can't figure how the two of us mesh. But we do. We compliment each other. And see...the wonderful thing is he's just as lovesick. Sure....he handles it more collectively and cool. But that sheepish grin. The secret moments we act silly right in plain sight. We make ourselves puke.  We're no fairytale.  But the love is real. We're each other's person. So here's to flirting with my husband.

Pep talk

I had an interesting conversation with Jeremy the other day.  Sometimes I like bringing up psychological topics with him.  He and I think so differently it often fascinates me on our opinions.  I don't know if I could appreciate the type of man Jeremy is unless I was this close and intimate with him.  He has a "cold" way of giving you the facts. No feeling.  Just facts.  But he does that because he cares.  If he didn't it be more of humiliating you with your false values or half wit ideas on where you stand.  I have often argued that it's not his place to show your the error of your argument.  After all, it's his version of the truth.  He most often is right about things. I loathe that.  But I loathe it because in my mind I think he's arrogant about it. What if he is just right.  And being right for someone who got the answer wrong translates to arrogance.  It might come down to perception.  He is right.  His answer is the most plausible.  But I might not be wrong.  It's this grey area I wonder about these days.  I call it a pep talk because it did make me think of the games my psyche is playing on me right now.  I either know my material or I don't.  Or I know well enough to pass.  I'm placing so much pressure on this test.  I have to step back and remember that I do know this material.  I was able to confirm that in a slight way by correcting mistakes on the book.  While that should frighten me that I can't hold the book to a higher level of confidence, it also showed me that I do know this.  I don't have actual meltdowns. I have virtual meltdowns.  I breakdown why I would want to meltdown but don't actually ever manifest into one.  It's like I analyze the reason I want to have the meltdown but logically restrain myself from having one because really...what good will it do? What possible benefit have I given myself?  I trick my brain into thinking I "got it out of my system".  I trick the silly part of myself that thinks with her emotions.  I let the "cold" part of me run things.  I don't want to be Jeremy.  But I do want change for me. I do want a different part of Jess. Because I feel different.  Thanks, for the pep talk, my love!

Fear

This journey of studying has definitely tested my theories of fear.  I know myself well enough to not suppress the emotions that come along with fear.  I feared school.  Which is why almost waking moment I was studying or doing something school related. Now...coming up at the finish line it's a new fear.  It's not even so much as a fear of failure.  It's almost like a dream (or nightmare) where I feel like some kind of fraud.  Again...the fear is there...like a shadow.  But that's the fear talking. That's the fear demon...so to speak.  I rationalize...when I allow myself to take everything in...that if I was such a fraud how did I make it this far? (More of a rhetorical question but hey..I'm already talking to myself...I'm allowed the crazy moments) And then it's how many people believe in me...when I don't believe in myself at times.   That's my evidence that I'm headed in the right direction.  Fear is trumped by Faith.  Faith in the sense of a higher being? Maybe. Faith in the belief that someone has a gift.  Perhaps.  So we come by to fear.  Fear hinders me.  Fear holds me back.  Fear will allow me to be my worst enemy.  I'm putting in the time.  I'm putting in the studying.  I am even putting in the outlet in order to psychologically psyche myself into confidence.  Fear.  This little demon can have a big hold on me.  I already overcame fear of trying to lead a normal life with a condition.  I already overcame fear of leading a normal life with a number of traumatic events but one most specifically.  I already overcame fear of not being good enough for a good significant other.  I already overcame being authentic of whom I am supposed to be in this life.  So when you break it down like that....this test...this final hurdle..is nothing but fear in the form of a bully.  Fear bullies me.  And I want to fight back.

House

By watching all these episodes of "House" it makes you wonder if doctors took a peak at this character and said" I think I could manifest him!" More often than not doctors are not known to be that much of a people person.  They diagnose.  They don't have time for the emotions and feelings that patients bring alone with their symptoms.  I have a new found appreciation for doctors. Even their rudeness.  I have encountered enough doctors in my life that somehow missed that " being personable" chip.  Except for my neurologists.  Somehow, that field took into account that while the brain and the nerves play a part of different neurological problems..ultimately...the feels come along with it.  And for that I can be grateful.  I was practically born with Epilepsy.  I know my life without out because I allowed myself to believe I had outgrown.  And for 8 beautiful years...that lie was true.  I know better now.  And so did the doctors that warned it was never quite something you walk away from.  But at least I got a fighting chance at that lie. Being an adult with it now I don't allow myself to be held back by it. However, I know my own limits.  And I am more knowledgeable about my condition.  Being informed and educated helps.  I am not my own Doctor...but if watching an episode of House desensitizes me to seeing a person with seizures..then this show..."House" is more than just a show.  It's a valuable lesson.

Respect

Have we forgotten what that  .  Is. We are too busy to thrust our views, values,  and opinions.  Add entitled and it can get ugly. We have lost compassion.  We have lost humility.  Some day I hope we get it back. 

The power of rationale

Interesting thing as I was watching yet another episode of House.  It made me think of mortality.  It made me think of how I would rationalize if it was my 11th hour.  The beauty of having a significant other like Jeremy is he's very straightforward.  He wouldn't give me false hope. He would simply tell me the facts...and tell me he loves me.  It's something I have learned. To face my fears.   I try to live by that philosophy as much as I can. And so I would hope that I would try to face my fear.  Do I fear death? Yes..to a point.  I fear the unknown. I fear if the "afterlife" was one big lie.  I fear what I don't know...and there in and of itself lies the fear.  it's redundant, really.  But there is that big elephant in the room.  But right now...right now where my rationale is in good tact I'd like to believe that the afterlife is there.  I'd like to believe my two "guardian angels" will be helping me if I have to make that crossover.  These are the strange things that go through my mind.  The episode thrusts me into thinking of things like that.  I trust medicine. I don't trust medicine.  It's a conundrum.  I trust my own body.  However, I do realize I am not a doctor.  I hope that if I am ever confronted with a life threatening situation that I have a doctor that knows their shit.  I don't want to become a casualty (pardon the pun) of their rationale.  But sometimes, that's just how that goes.  After all, we find out about cures and solutions and advancement in medicine because someone had to pay the price.  Deep thoughts, huh? I will now return you to the normally schedule only light deep thoughts lol

The small things

It's the small things in life that make it very sweet.  When you surround yourself with positive people and the kind that encourage you to find the best version of yourself...you sort of grab on and cherish them.  It's not to say that all friends that don't bring that to the table are bad.  I'm just learning that I don't nearly have enough patience for those who don't.  That is a quality I am accepting of myself.  The support system comes in many forms.  Sometimes it's family.  Sometimes it's friends who might as well be family.  I cherish my friendships that I have surrounded myself with.  I learn different things from them.  I have learned I don't need to box them in one label or another. In fact, there is no box.  There is only friendship.  And there is a certain give and take that I appreciate from my support system.  We don't have to talk everyday.  But I do want to know that you cherish me...in all of my craziness.  I don't mind that we come at crossroads.  In fact, it might make us grow.  I just want to know you cherish me.  Not because I'm there. That helps...but because you want me there.  Not need me there.  Studying does get me in tunnel vision mode.  I appreciate the small ways you show that you are share my journey. I don't feel alone.

A blog within a blog

Today I registered for the MBLEX.  I was able to schedule it 3 weeks out.  After my meltdown yesterday I found a way to format my studying.  I was taking on too much with it.  Once I figured what I need to cover give or take I am doing the practice tests.  I'm going to read the studying guide.  See if there are tips on how to take the tests.  One of the books has me a little discouraged with some of its wrong answers.  Massagenerd.com also had that same effect.  Hence, the meltdown.  Once I went back and recalibrated  my study time and how I used it I felt better.  I even found my outlet useful.  House is helping as therapy but also to stay attuned with diseases, virus, infections, and such. In other words, it's educational AND entertaining.  Having friends encourage me is also helping.  I am rationalizing that I did well on the comprehensive and it was more questions.  I still want to prepare.  I just got to keep my nerves down.  And my massage therapy support system is doing just that.

You can control how you react

Life happens.  You can't control what gets thrown around you.  But you can control how you react the situation.  In fact,  you can actually control your stress. It takes will power. And sometimes our energy is full and we don't feel like controlling it. Nobody is pressing me to get things done for everyone.  No one is hovering over me about putting food on the table.  I'm my worst enemy.  I'm holding myself responsible.  I hold myself accountable.  But maybe it becomes an unrealistic expectation. And I stress myself out. Venting clears my head. I see the words. I formulate the problem.  I attempt to find a solution.  Or at best. ..an outlet. 

Is it turning a new life?

I feel different.  I don't know how to explain.  I still have a crazy spontaneous side...but it has a subdued side. And that's by choice.  I'm ok with the quiet life I lead. Something has changed. ....but it's tor the better. School certainly changed me.

Couldn't be simple

I went to see Aaron.  I got lost. Even with help I felt like a scatter brain. Turns out I was in the original spot. But he had to make it an adventure for me. It certainly is a memory now. lol. I ended up going to the office and asking for help. I laughed.  I cried.  I told him to stop laughing!  I left him a star I had gotten for graduation.  I also left a stone w a cross and believe on it. I left a dime too. I left a sticky note written in red saying happy birthday.  I'm even wearing red. I'm gonna cherish this memory. This is definitely a funny Jess moment. 

Focus

It's interesting how I do focus.  I can understand how people would find it odd and quirky.  I don't quite know the ins and outs of it myself.  JAG got me through third semester.  House will get me through MBLEX.  Lucky charm? Maybe so!

Happiness

I got Jeremy coffee today....like any other day. But today is different.  Today I fulfilled a dream. Attaining a dream does something for you. I'm not completely there yet. I still need to do the MBLEX.  But I'm almost there. So close. ..So close. ..

Almost done

It almost doesn't feel real. I really did it. I can't tell you what it means that I'm doing this. Getting my Master's was a dream come true.  So is this. Dream guy. Dream life. And soon...dream job. Every day I am grateful.