Don't stop believing

I kinda need that phrase right now.  I still believe.  My dream is just right there.  This is the test to pass through.  It's the most difficult.  I feel defeated right now.  I feel like all my hard work, sweat, tears, and blood just didn't go anywhere.  I haven't given up.  I have perspective still.  But I can't lie.  Behind the smile...behind my laugh...I feel defeated...and confused.  I am puzzled by all this.  I guess that's normal.  So here I am...starting over again....again...It's not like I haven't had the doubt of my intelligence before.  But one formality does not determine my intelligence.  And good thing I know that.  I usually have some philosophical thing going.  Today...Sadly, I do not.  I won't give up....I won't. But I need a vacation from all this.  I want a vacation from my own thoughts.  Because sometimes it's those thoughts that get me trouble.  Not any crazy thoughts like harming myself...no no no no. But I feel lost.  I feel a sense of my self confidence gone.  I'm not sure how to get it back.  So...maybe I will bring into song....Don't stop believing...

Some days

Some days wine is the answer. Some days you don't have inspiration.  Some days you can easily find the negative.  Some days you need a good cry. Some days you just don't want to keep up the energy tp be a "gladiator" of your hopes and dreams. It's ok. Cry...Get the toxins out. Because some days you'll find out you're too stubborn for your own good.And get up...and start again.  Dreams don't come easy. That's why you fight for them

The purpose

Sometimes we look for our purpose in life.  It's like searching for a secret and you don't know where to find the first clue for the map.  You search and search.  Sometimes you find it and then lose the keys or worse...overlook the keys that are front of you.  But if you are lucky enough to find your purpose....do it with passion...and purpose.  I want to throw myself into massage therapy.  I'm so happy in my life with Jeremy...I somehow want to spread my joy through "healing hands."  Sounds crazy, right? You might say that.  But maybe just maybe there is a method to my madness.  Maybe I make sense.  I am happy.  My positive energy can impact people. My "healing hands" can help others.  Maybe just maybe I can help the world...one massage at a time.  I'd like to think that's possible.  It's crazy but when have I not had crazy ideas? I love thinking outside the box.  Outside the box was invented for people like me.

Your groove

Sometimes when you don't feel good physically your whole mood can go south mentally and emotionally.  At least for me that was what yesterday was all about.  I went to give blood.  I came home and I felt the world just spinning.  Thank goodness I was home.  I tried to study but it was pointless.  I wasn't happy with my scores and I became more frustrated.  Of course, I am stubborn and relentless and the cycle was just ugly.  I know I know...first world problems.  But luckily I had a friend who understand my neurosis.  She too has had that issue.  I didn't feel so crazy anymore.  Today, however, went better.  I don't know what will happen Friday.  I have no control.  The universe knows what cards will be played.  I just gotta roll with it.  I pass I pass. I don't. It's not the end of the world...I just start again.  But I have been studying so much so it would be nice.  In any case I think my groove came back.  I heard a song today that made it better.  When Aaron passed away there were a couple of songs that made me smile or feel better.  The lyrics I weren't necessarily attached to.  The timing of when they would come on...yes.  I can't tell you how I understand that the universe was smiling...but somehow yesterday seemed like a blur.  I needed something to just push me to feel better.  I know it may sound silly but it's those silly things within in us that frustrate us.  It's nice to have things and people that help us get back to our groove.  Your groove keeps things going.  It's that energy...that unexplained motivation that helps you along with life.  Jess got her groove back :)

Adventures

I don't necessarily expect some of you to understand the transition that is happening to me.  You have known to be one way.  It seems like a 180.  It is...sort of. And then it's not.  I was like this once...two lifetimes ago. It's a process that I wasn't expecting and quite frankly, I don't exactly know if the process will continue, render itself finished, or  what exactly direction it is supposed to take.  It's like the old me is trying to submerge from the inner most part of my soul.  The difference is I'm an adult.  So this child like wonder comes with a sense of realistic expectations.  It's a marriage of realism and wonder..hope maybe? I'm not really sure myself. I'm okay with that.  I'll see where this journey takes me.  Adventures don't always have to be these grand activities that happen.  Sometimes adventures are journeys I take within myself.  So...I'm off into the world to continue my adventure.

Trust

What a fragile thing trust is.  Whether in friendship, family, or romantic aspects we look for this trust in our relationships.  We rely on the trust between those we care.  When it is betrayed there is a hole in one's heart and truthfully in some ways, it feels the soul too.  Your core feels pierced like a dagger of pain that you can't describe. Your core feels penetrated where trust once stood.  When this trust is betrayed there are so many questions that are now in place.  Some stated...and others not so stated...for we may not be able to answer a question we don't know to ask yet.  This trust with which we hold dear penetrates you to your most innermost moments of truths and creates a vulnerability.    The one with the guarded secrets that we hold so tightly.  They are secrets of whom we really are and what we stand for.  We guard this invisible box of our core because if we have had the unfortunate experience of being betrayed we must hide our heart and soul like a princess trapped in her own kingdom.  When we are betrayed there is a beauty within that pain that arises.  We see the beautiful creature of healing.  We feel a sense of right again.  We become whole again...or at least a piece of us returns.  It's different for everyone.  But if you have been betrayed there is hope.  There is hope that someone will find your heart and mend it.  They will show you that love has two sides to a story.  And so does hate.  And never is somewhat of a unicorn...A myth of which we cannot confirm nor deny.  We simply do not know.  Hope can be magic.  Hope can also render us vulnerable and perhaps hurt us.  But I will live in the land of the Unicorn.  I will live where hope still exists.  If I don't, I have no purpose to hope.  Hope reminds me that there is something or sometimes someone to look forward to.  I once had no reason to trust again. I've had my dark story.  My lifetime movie and book are waiting to be put into words someday...somewhere.  But I'm to stubborn to stop believing. And I'm glad I didn't.  Because I wake up to such a different life than maybe 10 years ago.  And I wake up to him.  My dream come true.  My world.  My answer to hope.  I was worth it.  It was a prayer that I didn't know I asked.  But there it was...I was worth it.  And the best part. My dream grew from magic into trust.  This intangible became tangible.  This prayer became a person.  This hope became my reality.  So sometimes besides positive energy I like putting into the world...I like putting hope back...and most of all....trust.

Sending out into the void

or simply yelling into the void.  It feels good to get out any negative feels.  It's in part why I started this blog.  I remember as a young adult being more consistent with a diary.  And then I saw a show (Doggie Howser!) that prompted to entertain the thought.  "Instead of writing my thoughts I typed them." It would still be a diary, so to speak.  However, as much good intentions I had for some type of computer diary I didn't keep it up.  It wasn't until I got inspired my a friend who blogs that I actually found something that I could stay consistent with.  I was motivated to write this time.  The blog provided me a way to "bring philosophy" to what seemed like ordinary writing.  I am humbled when one just reads the blog.  Perhaps I made someone think that day.  Maybe I helped them start a conversation.  Who knows? And the beauty is I don't need to know.  It's not to see comments.  It's to know I matter. It's to know my thoughts matter.  And so...this blog is an extension of my thoughts sometimes.  Most of the time I write to some "Spa" music.  I am at the most peace when listening to it. Spa music slows the racing thoughts.  I continue to thank you for even reading this. Whether it's once a week or every day..it matters none to me.  It matters that my thoughts matter to you.  If you ever get a chance to start a blog...you won't regret it.  It was a life changer for me.  It sounds silly.  However, that is the rawness of truth.  Many of the transformations I made in the last few years came from documenting aspects of my life.

Fear is a four letter word

I am watching the series on Roosevelts. It's quite extraordinary.  Once again I got to hear and see one of FDR's most captivating words. " The only thing we have to fear...is fear itsel".    In some ways that statement makes absolutely no sense.  And yet...as you can break it down into an abstract dimension of the statement you can recognize that fear...is a four letter word. Fear stops us from the real work.  Fear becomes the monster inside of us that is trapped.  Fear can manifest into uglier things.  Fear stops us from understanding and appreciating the more beautiful things in life.  Fear is the enemy by which negative energy feeds on.  But fear is conniving.  We succumb to the idea we are less strong or less anything from this fear.  When we can name our fears...when we can recognize the core of our fear and learn to utilize it for good...to learn how to cope and overcome the fear...We have beaten fear,  And even when we don't..for that moment because of our human tendency to be well...human...we still have beaten fear.  Because we have support.  We have people that believe we can over come this fear.  They have "faith" that we are more than this fear.  We are a person.  We are not a product of the fear.  We are merely different sides of what fear can possess.  We all have different thresholds to what can become of us when adversity is upon us.  It doesn't make us less or more than anyone.  It just makes us different.  What words of wisdom.  And that's another soulful and beautiful thing.  Words makes fear...fear.  Words can influence ideas. Ideas can become beliefs.  Words can change the world.  That demon that resides in fear...is almost always there.  I can't imagine anyone not having some type of inner struggle of any kind.  Not even the rich are free from some type of shackle of fear.  But what you do with that fear determines what kind of person you can be.  So it's okay to fear.  But don't let fear become a four letter word you avoid.  Let fear become the four letter word you confront.  Fear...You fear.. You don't have me.

Feeling like a wreck

I almost don't even want to blog.  But I got to.  I feel like a train wreck.  My sleep is off.  I'm agitated.  I need sleep. I said yes to something I shouldn't have but somehow that recklessness is part of that delioriousness.  Thanks for letting me rant.

Drained

Some days you just feel the drain. It's hard to explain what is draining without explaining.  Which I feel bad but other people are to be considered.  So thank you for reading.  Thank you for the positive energy.  I appreciate you just being there. Time to focus tomorrow.  Back to cave dwelling again.

Ackward

Seeing it on television gives me a new appreciation to not be anywhere near the entertainment industry.  The currency of fame does not hold its glitter.  But I smile that just for a moment you fumbled. ..like the rest of us. Only yours is public.  I don't envy that

Tangent...

It's a little disturbing to think about death while you're still alive. It has a morbid sense to it.  But there it is.  I am thinking of my death. Not because I know it's coming or not. Maybe because I don't know and I am taking the time to think about it.  The question is what legacy do I want to leave? All these years and I want Dreams by cranberries to still play at my funeral.  That's strange.  I hope I remembered for my heart. I want to be remembered by my kindness.  Somewhere I want you to find my words...my poetry.  This is a strange thing but when I left high school there was a yearly magazine the Literary magazine was put out.  I ended being submitted through my art work.  I was honored and flattered. But I would have wanted my poetry.  It's my funeral. Pick a poem...or two.   Am I selfish? Yes, I want you to cry. But then I want you to laugh.  Wear dark red, if possible.  I love Burgandy.  I do want to be remembered. I feel like I will have contributed to something through my legacy.  I want to be missed.  I want to have mattered.  I have morbid sense of humor.  I guess a conversation inspired me to go off on a tangent..thinking about my death.  I promise you. I am okay.  This is the crazy inner workings of Jess.  I think of the strangest things.

Two lifetimes ago

It's an extraordinary thing what a last will make you feel.  I was still Ortiz 13 years ago.  I was engaged to be married to Woody Moser.  I woke up to my Dad calling me asking if I had seen the news.  It was barely after 9.  I rushed to the living room and my grandma whom I had stayed with overnight had the television already on.  I think I was watching a loop but it could have been one of the airplanes had crashed into one of the towers.  It was such a disturbing scene. But I forced myself to watch. Somehow I wanted New Yorkers to not be alone.  So this horror was a horror others would see.  And then I also so because I realized most of those people might not get out.  At the time I didn't think of the Towers collapsing.  I thought of the people not being able to escape.  It's interesting how you don't think about things until after the fact.  There are stories that emerged from all this tragedy.  So it seems like two lifetimes ago...really.  WE didn't forget you.  WE won't.

Takedown

I used to wonder why some people just don't watch the news.  And now I've become one of them.  I read headlines and look into so that I stay afloat on certain news.  But others...I notice it is such a takedown culture.  Who knew I would be quoting Taylor Swift.  Even she did a takedown.  That old saying...if you have nothing nice to say...don't say anything at all.  I don't like twitter for that reason.  Not that Facebook doesn't have that feature of mean moments.  But I remove myself from it right away. I learned not to read comments on things.  My own, yes.  I have friends that tease and perhaps have a mock moment here and there. But their's is out caring for the quirky person that is me.  Don't get me wrong.  I'm no angel.  But I'm willing to say things to you in front of your face.  I'm the kind of friend that will stab you in the front. lol Why are we so quick to judge and then make worse by humiliation? This humiliation is the biggest takedown feeling for me.  I have judged at times.  There was a guy at starbucks that had blue (not manly blue..sky blue) and zebra shoes.  While I never approached him regarding his fashion sense I would have told him. But I wouldn't have humiliated him.  That would have been cruel of me. Just giving you an example of me not being an angel.   Cruel...that is what I noticed sometimes we are as a society...cruel.  I love it when I hear a story that restores my faith in society.  Not all of it is bad out there. You just gotta look for it. I am and always be a big believer of looking for a positive out of a negative...no matter how negative it is.

He's my Monet

I was really excited to view the Impressionist collection. I lose myself in museums.  It's as if life stands still and I go into my very own version of the Mary Poppins pop up world.  It's all very whimsical, really.  Monet has been a progression of appreciation for me.  I haven't always appreciated his work.  In fact, for a good part of my youth...I didn't understand him.  It wasn't until I got older did I understand the genius of what he was doing for the artworld.  But what do I mean by he's my Monet.  Water lillies is one of my favorite if my not my favorite painting.  Something about the colors and the vision of this serene pond calls to me.  I suddenly feel the art. I suddenly can visualize the music that would be Monet. It's all hard to explain.  But there I am.  I took a moment and viewed it today before I left.  It is so surreal to imagine that in my life lifetime...I'd see it in person.  It's like a list I have. Jeremy doesn't see it as a bucket list.  So I am apt to call it Adventure wish list.  And one of those things was that painting.  I think going to the Louvre would be another one.  But I've got Ireland in front of me first.  Back to Jeremy as My Monet.  I watch him sometimes amazed.  The novelty hasn't worn out.  I am still utterly crazy about this man.  He was like the Monet once.  Artwork that I only wished I had the chance to be "present" with but never knew that I would be this close.  I admire Jeremy. I admire his mind. I admire his wit.  Jeremy and our connection is art to me.  It's funny how art imitates life gets thrown around a lot.  However, today I really took in that meaning as I walked through the collection.  Life creates such masterpieces that you sometimes see through poetry, art, film, and such.  And then there are masterpieces you never really imagine as art.  The bond between friends. The bond between parent and child...young or older.  The bond between lovers.  The bond between spouses.  The bond within yourself.  All these bring the magic of connecting with the world.  That magic...that special feeling of looking at a painting...reminds me that HE is my MONET.

An old chapter with a new outfit

This past weekend was really nice.  I had a great weekend all around.  I spent time with my friends Leah and Jared.  Then I got to spend time with my Best Friend, Amanda V.  It had been a while since we had gotten together for coffee.  It felt good to get back into it.  Sometimes I need a nudge to get out of my tunnel vision I am with this MBLEX.  And then I went to church on Sunday with Heidi.  And that was interesting.  I felt like I was meeting up with my ex or something.  I felt familiar but I was at a different stage in my life.  It felt good but also a little awkward.  It felt like that because it had been a while since I had gone to a Catholic Church with anyone but my family.  Even Leticia is considered family so it doesn't quite count.  And I usually went for her sake, not mine.  It just made me think.  I once had that faith.  I once had that no questions asked faith.  And then things happened.  I have come back.  Sometimes I come jaded.  But mostly I come back trying to figure out my journey with my spirituality.  I am not religious anymore.  In fact, God denotes He sometimes so much that I have started calling God..Universe...because He is She to me.  That is something different in my adulthood.  Growing up I wouldn't even consider anything but He.  I do need to question in order to bring myself back to the faith.  I have to want to do something not forced to do it.  And going to church was the first step.  Heidi has been so supportive.  She has no judgement on my journey.  She is happy just to help me along.  I am so lucky to have such wonderful friends.  I cherish Amanda for telling me like it is...even if something it seems harsh.  She loves me enough to tell me.  I love the bond that Leah and I share.  We have so much in common.  I cherish Amanda Roberts. We have had such a journey to get to where we are today.  I cherish Heidi.  I didn't expect that two people with what seemed like different paths in life could actually have more things in common.  I hadn't realized that Drama Drain (she doesn't even have a name when I am writing) took so much energy out of me.  It's like my energy balance was off.  I feel protected...if that makes sense.  I feel appreciated.  And in order to help myself with my health I do need to think about my mental well being.  I sometimes allowed myself the idea that wanting support was a selfish thing.  And here it comes naturally to these women.  They all have different ways to express it.  And it doesn't have to be in the same amount.  It's what we can give to each other.  So this old chapter with a new outfit.  I am trying it on.  I want to see what this journey brings.  Universe, it's all yours.  I look forward to this journey.

The story

As usual I had a great conversation with Jeremy.  We touched upon a few topics. I got a better understanding of things even with my own husband.  I like finding out things I either wasn't aware of or somehow discovered. Perhaps being clearer about things helps me to understand people better.  We were talking about stories.  And the idea of pain comparing? It was going back to a previous conversation we had.  And at the time I was more emotionally invested in my view of pain.  I stepped back yesterday and recognized  that everyone has a story.  I don't know the story.  So I don't necessarily know the pain.  It was eye opening.  I also told him about stress.  I got to a point where I can't control what things happen. And by worrying them I don't help my situation. Granted, it is easier said than done.  However, it helped to send my anxiety and worry elsewhere.  As one of my friends said..."It's freeing." Going back to the story....unfolding someone's story is beautiful and profound.  You learn so much about a person.  You even appreciate the ins and outs of the individual.  Sometimes it's even the smallest things from my loved ones that make me smile.  I relish in their positive energy.  I feed off their positive energy, their support, and their unwavering acceptance. It feels good.  Another conversation also touched about that support.  It is essential that people have that unwavering support.  Even if you disagree with someone's thoughts, values, decisions..and such....the unwavering support of just being there makes for an extraordinary gift.

Cavedwelling

It's been an interesting process becoming more of a hermit.  I no longer go to school and I am just studying for the MBLEX.  My days are quiet. I do chores. I do visit with friends to break up the cave dwelling pattern.  I have gotten used to it. In fact, I think I relish in the idea of being my own company.  I think it offers me a chance to make my own adventures.  I like company. I love it especially if it's my girls or Jeremy.  But something has changed.  I went to the museum by myself and I loved it.  I loved the experience of taking in the moment...by myself. I don't know if that makes any sense.  All I know is that this is a new experience.  I thrived on social interaction.  I still have it here and there.  But it's either on Facebook or a one on one interaction.  And I used to think too much time by myself might get me thinking too seriously.  And sometimes I do. But it got me thinking of my life, my experiences, my dreams...and so much more.  It got me going back like an index holder and flashing back to certain parts of my life...the good...the bad...and the very very messy.  They defined me.  I don't regret them.  Even the dark ones that have molded certain aspects of my psyche and my health.  I don't regret that it molded me into the person I am today.  And when I look at Jeremy...I know...that's who he fell in love with. That beautiful mess of a soul...the crazy silly stubbornly optimistic side to me.  The one that tries to see every positive in a negative.  Yup. That one.  Until next time for inspiration.  I quite enjoy blogging now.  I like knowing that someone reads this.  I like knowing that maybe my experiences or thoughts make you thinking of something...or even better inspire you.

The Universe

A beautiful conversation with a friend really struck a chord with me.  I was discussing how I've let this worry take over me.  This anxiety has played head games with me.  I've had a few meaningful conversations about this "anxiety" thing.  Whether it's losing my "mojo" or losing my footing....somehow the rest of things weren't falling into place.  And then I sort of left all my worry out into the Universe.  I got tired of worrying.  It can be emotionally exhausting worrying.  Today I improved more on my test.   I was calm.  I just went in...and did it.  And somehow my head felt cleared up.  My mind wasn't racing. My anxiety was just a whimper.  Whatever this is or was I feel like I took control of it.  And I am trying to keep that momentum.  So far..so good :)

Advocating

Yesterday was a most interesting day.  While I was at friend's open house shindig...Yes I really did just write shindig....moving on.  While I was at my friend's shindig I met a new friend.  It's funny how people enter your life or vice versa.  I was so happy to shed light on anything regarding my condition.  Although I am not an official advocate, I'd like to think that I help others understand Epilepsy and subsequently seizures just a little bit more.  I don't like it defining.  I don't really one thing or the other to define me.  I have had some interesting adventures in my life.  They are not all good.  But I don't regret them.  I wouldn't be me without those moments.  Back to advocating. I like being able to shed light on the different things that occur for someone with my condition.  First and foremost I have to figure if I am okay to drive.  It seems so simple but there are times I wake up dizzy or my head feels fuzzy. That's my tell tale sign it's not a driving kind of day. I have a great support system regarding that.  So chances are if I really need to get to point B....I've got it.  I sometimes have to remind myself to take my medicine. That sounds silly but my memory gets a little hazy.  I don't know if it's my age or something else but I work harder to remember things.  It gets frustrating.  I play it off that I'm forgetful or being spastic but it's a distraction really. I want to deter people away from questioning the condition.  It's odd. I am old enough to know that my friends accept me for me.  But I still have self conscious moments where I am scared of how people will react to anything with Epilepsy.  I am also very stubborn about help in terms of disability.  I probably have been eligible but because I have waited so long to register for disability it isn't very credible to my cause to access disability.  And I suppose for what it is worth I am doing much better and function much better than others.  Like Autism has a spectrum range I believe Epilepsy also has a spectrum range.  Furthermore, I believe I am on the higher range for that spectrum.  I still am able to drive and that is a huge thing.  So...it just got me thinking of how I live.  I don't have to have help getting dressed.  I have trouble only when I have had an episode.  And usually I just move slower than usual. Sleeping seems to help most of my issues.  I don't always feel like I get satisfactory sleep.  I have to really be careful of my stress levels.  It's small thing.  But I do have to think about them.  I can't take things for granted.  As I am getting older I have to be more aware of things that could trigger me.  That way I can still live my life.  And that makes me happy.

Holiday blog

Today has been a good day I went to an open house for my friend's massage therapy business.  Then onto hobby lobby to change the print out in the living room. And now Whiskers is perched on me. Ah....I feel good