Change a reaction

Sometimes you have to change a reaction.  There was a discrepancy in my account for school.  I tried getting it done over the phone but in person always seems to work better.  The student services is such a mess that I am not envious of the person whom has the task to get it sorted. Nor am I envious of the transition the school is taking to switch to Quick Books.  The school is wonderful.  It taught me so much.  However, the student services is another beast.  I digress.  In the past, a mistake like this would send me off the handle.  These days I try to change my reaction.  I have less stress like that.  I am very aware of my stress level, my environment, and how I need to react to things.  It's not easy but it was necessary.  I always remember it's for my health.

A different planet

I spent the day with Leah.  We went downtown to find a gift for Jared, her husband.  He's a good friend so I was happy to partake in the gift hunting.  It also gave me time to look for Jeremy's gift.  While there, I stepped into a different area. It was liking stepping onto a different planet, a different dimension of San Antonio.  It's close to Broadway.  It's in the Pearl area.  It's beautiful.  It  is transcenden·tal.  I record my moments by Instagram these days. It's a way to document what moves me.  I learn so much in the company of Leah.  She educates me.  I feel culturally enriched by her influence.

War of words

It's an interesting perspective. I mean, some would say words hurt more than physical pain because there are marks to show the actual pain.  Then, there are others that say words are just that, words.  I could actually agree with both.  The choice, if one has one when being bullied with words is that we do our best to now give the power to the words.  Is that easy? No.   I won't sit on a podium or soap box and tell you it's as simple as turning your head or cheek for that matter.  It takes bravery to do that.  People these days don't know or care sometimes the impact they bring simply by saying such horrible words.  There is such a darkness about being anonymous.  You get to say things where you don't have to be accountable for those words.  A conversation once sparked just that issue.  That and asking what is the benefit of saying such words.  Do they benefit anyone? or are you simply saying your version of what you think is truth.  That is always my pet peeve. Just being blunt.  Yes. I get that.  But does it benefit anyone from being so rash? And would they appreciate the same rashness. Most don't.  That's just me.  I don't want people necessarily to sugar coat things but it might be good for people to be held accountable for their words.  Especially when some get harmed by those words or words die from words taking on a different life.  Even if one doesn't believe it takes on a different level when you hurt someone simply because they are different from you.  So this is me...having a war with words.  I bring positive. I bring love.  I bring compassion.  Take that, hate.

Stuck

I feel that sometimes when my my condition gets the best of me.  It's like being a prison in your own body.  My only consolation is that I don't nearly have it as bad as others.  So I may have frustrations because it limits me.  But at the same time I understand that I can do much more than others.  I've been dizzy for the last couple of days.  I don't drive during these times.  I don't take chances.  There are so many question on what my future holds.  I fear. I'm human.  But somehow I figure things will work themselves out. I don't know. I've stopped questioning the cosmos.  Sometimes you have to have a leap of faith.  I don't necessarily mean on a spiritual sense. Although, most of the times that comes along.  I mean just doing something without always having all the answers.

Sick

I was sick yesterday. I didn't even remember to blog. It's usually second nature. Whoops

My words

I am happy to make a positive impact on you my friend...(talking to more than one person)
I cannot tell you what it means that I have some influence on your life with what I say.  I don't take that trust lightly.  I hold it dear to my heart.  I am honored that you entrust your thoughts, deep thoughts, at that sometimes with me.  I stopped using the word advice on what I do.  I am a great sounding board. I always have been.  In the end, you make the decision. I just ask the right questions to help you through the process.  Jeremy helped me earlier this year to not put so much stock on others' opinion of me.  That was only to address that my success lied solely upon what I did, what I feel.  That is something I am still working on processing.  I say that because I do trust in certain people for certain things, Jeremy included.  I respect his opinion immensely.  I don't necessarily question myself. I just at least open the thoughts that my original thought might not be the best one thus far.  In other words, I like to say open minded.  I digress.  It gives me immense joy to know that I do that for you, my friend.  Different instances. Different situations.  The beauty is that sometimes we haven't talked for a while. Yet, you seek me out for the person to get a different perspective.  That humbles me.  Humility is important to me.  I want to stay modest on things.  I'm human. I have my moments where I am not exactly on point.  I am vain. I am selfish at times.  I am judgmental in my own way.  I am not delusional to the fact I have my own flaws.  However, I also recognize that my words mean something to more than one person.  That fact makes me world that much more magical.

A moving painting

This weekend is what it felt like. I was experiencing it like a dream...like parts of a movie.  You know...where it feel what the protagonist feels.  Or you remember the look that she shares with someone.  I took pictures. But there are snaps...some parts of the day that will stay with me no matter what.  It was so interesting being that close to the "movie".  Usually, I can fade into the background to capture a random moment, something that obscure that it's like a moving painting.  But there I was...I was in the middle of it.  And the other best part....doing this...experiencing this...all with Jeremy by my side.  Silly as it sounds...sometimes you hear about someone say it's though I heard a quartet. or everything slowed down around this or disappeared.  Something like that.  It was during a song that I absolutely love.  Some songs ought to be on your playlist if you had a soundtrack to your life.  This was playing. Jeremy and I were dancing. The room disappeared around us. It was just him and I.  And a few seconds before the song ended I noticed the photographer. I smiled because I connected to the picture with the photographer. Trust me. I'm not saying I would have been a professional photographer. I just know...I smiled...because he took a moment that I would have.  But I was the moving painting.  It was a different perspective.  It was all surreal. It was all a moving painting.

Leading up to this

The preparation...the emotions. So much is leading up to tomorrow. My best friend is getting married. I'll be right by her side. I'm honored she chose me as one of her court. So much history. So much meaning. So much has been leading to up to this.

Pressures

It's human nature to have pressures that stress us out.  It's more difficult when others place a certain pressure on us.  Sometimes it's whether one is married, having children, career, or just that we could improve on something.  Why do we do this to each other? Why do we process that the person doesn't understand the pressure they have on themselves. And if they don't we can't protect them.  One of the most difficult things I have done is let people do things when I may or may not agree.  I have to them make decisions.  I don't know all the answers. However, with my experience I feel I bring a certain expertise.  But in the long run, I know that I don't know.  Pressures bring out the tension and sometimes we find out what we're made of...or not.  Pressures can sometimes the define the people we potentially can become.

Your gift

What is it about you? What is that gift? Don't be afraid to share it.  Strangely, my weirdness is my gift.  Granted, I often believed my Epilepsy had a hand in my way of seeing life differently.  I relate to the weirdo.  I used to get hurt by the word.  Now, well, now I embrace it like a well loved blanket.  It's all in the way someone tells me I'm a weirdo.  I have a gift.  I can't explain it.  I put people at ease.  People can often talk to me because I'm approachable.  I'm the therapist friend.  Has it translated into a successful career? No. But as I am getting older that is not the only barometer for success.  My marriage, my relationships...that to me is the barometer for my success.  Success...even that seems like an the wrong word to use for it.  I have a gift.  I will leave this earth with a legacy of love.  I hope you find your gift.  It makes you feel whole when you do.  I still have insecurities about who I am.  However, with the love of my family I stay assured that while I have a gift...I am the gift.

Family

I looked at my  friend and said " We're family" She said, "I wouldn't have it any other way." Family is what you make  if it. My family is weird. It's all over the place. That makes me smile.

Adventures in marriage

Being married to your best friend is fun.  We have moments where it's things you talk about with your best friends. You let it out all out.  Ever since Grandpa Jim's passing there has been a subtle change in Jeremy sharing.  He just comes out of nowhere with something. I can't even explain.  It's an adventure in marriage. I love it.  I love being married to Jeremy.  We have journeys. We have adventures, together.  They are great memories.  We are partners-in-crime.  It's a beautiful feeling.  There is something about being married to someone you were meant to be with.  We fit so beautifully, it throws me off sometimes.  Like I am sometimes in a dream and I will wake up.  It's surreal.  Even the little things seem like a beautiful adventure.  Do we have squabbles? Yes. We don't always agree on things.  We do annoy each other.  However, we managed to compromise and meet each other in the middle.  My logic has improved over emotional reasoning and he understands the importance of emotional reasoning in certain situations.  Happy Anniversary, Babe. I can't wait for more adventures in marriage.

Good bye

Something in the last couple of weeks just got me thinking of good-bye. I've had friends that have had loved ones pass away.  Jeremy and I said good bye to Grandpa Jim almost 3 weeks ago.  It's had saying good bye.  A conversation with a friend really rang true.  You don't know what the future holds.  It's important to tell someone I love you or thank you as often as you can.  I cherish my family.  I cherish my friends.  They are my support system.  I count on them for that extra hug. Or that phone call that I need to get through a difficult phase.  Or that text that or Facebook that lets you know you think of me.  Saying good bye is tough.  But saying how someone impacted and meant in your life shouldn't.

Presentation

There is something to be said about good presentation.  Even with someone who has little means to present themselves has a certain classy and integrity that usually has them stand out from the rest.  That's been my experience.  I didn't grow up with riches.  However, because of the school I attended I was exposed to a certain type of world.  I became accustomed to it.  If you want to call it rich or cultured, I am not sure what it is really.  All I know is I looked for a way to present myself more than I was.  Presentation whether it be manners, education, or conversation all contribute to the reputation you build.  I am particular on certain things.  I guess you can blame my youth.  Presentation isn't everything.  Character is.  But off that character you look at the whole package.  You look at how people present themselves.  That's why presentation is important to me.

There's never too many times to say thank you

I don't know how much it means to see an audience.  I am beyond humbled that anyone reads my blog.  I have thoughts. I write them down.  I figure that sometimes I have philosophical moments and perhaps, just maybe, I inspire something or someone.  At least, that's what I am going for.  My life is right.  All is right in the world.  My story line is well, nice and boring. I am happy with that.  My 20s had too much drama.  I think it more than compensated for any drama I needed later on.  I was a lifetime movie waiting to happen.  Then, there was Jeremy.  Jeremy has been such a huge impact on my life.  He's helped to ground me.  He's helped me handle my stress in a more logical way.  He just....loves me.  Our friendship is very important to me.  Not that our relationship isn't.  It's just that my relationship follows up on the strength of our friendship. We're best friends.  I look at everything in "balance." There's never too many times to say thank you.  So, here goes... Thank you.  Thank you for listening.  Thank you for taking the time to read my thoughts.  Thank you for well, giving a damn. Sounds odd to say, but when you break it down, that's the bottom line. You are curious enough to my life, to my feelings, to my thoughts to read this.  It humbles me.  I hope you have a beautiful day, my silent audience.  I hope that you have positive energy surrounding you.  I hope that today brings much happiness.

Never underestimate the power of your impact

That can go good or bad, really.  You think that you're not contributing to this beautiful world or that your malice isn't polluting the world.  Never underestimate the power of your impact.  My inner demons sometimes have gotten the better of me and I have doubts about my impact.  Questions brim up on whether I have a positive impact on people.  However, those doubts are quickly squelched when I see people I care about and love smile because I contributed to their happiness.  At this time in my life I have a position where I can be more readily available for those I love.  Jeremy takes on that burden to keep that position going.  He is my hero for doing it.  I often tell him that I am happy to take on the burden with him.  While I am trying to study for my test again I could be working. I can only do part time but it would be something. Yet, he is the rock I look up to and handles things.  I admire that about him.  Jeremy takes care of me so I can take care of others.  I'm proud of us.  It takes one step for a small gesture of kindness.  It feels good to have done it.  At least...for me, it feels like I have a positive impact.  I remember the days I let my anger get the best of me and I took it out on someone else.  You never know what kind of domino effect it might have.

Interesting thing about human nature

We heard correctly.  We're not deaf. We can't all have misunderstood. So when someone gets aggressive and insist we are wrong...well, I'll have non of that. Others wanted to speak up. I have no trouble clarifying. I like clarifying. So, yeah. Sometimes you gotta risk looking like a bad guy tobbe thw good I guy. That's the mystery of human nature.

Sometimes

Sometimes, when I close my eyes and I'm concentrating on the music (Soundscape, usually), I lose myself.  It's a great feeling, really.  Sometimes it's good to tune out the traffic. You have to tune out the background noise.  I have to clear my head.  A lot of times I have too many things running in my head.  I have to slow it down to make sense of it all.  Why do I feel need to do this? Life seems like some crazy movie that I have to slow motion.  So much traffic. So much noise. It really can make a person crazy.  At least that's what I feel at times.  I probably do this to control stress.  I am an anxious person by nature.  So I have to use more energy to control my anxiety.  I had to let go of having things controlled or too structured.  Life doesn't work like that.  That was an important lesson to learn.  Structure is important by sometimes you do have to live life with some spontaneity. 

The moment

I hope I captured the moment. I hope I did it justice. So much.  Such emotion.

Stress

It's good to have friends when you're stressed. They distract, make you laugh,let you vent, let you say nothing if you want, or have coffee. Lots of things.

Missing the point

Have you wondered if your life could be made of movies? At least I have.  My child was good, mostly.  I figure my life had its struggles but someone always had it much more difficult that I didn't see the need to complain too much.  My teenage years had more strife but that was much derived from the controlling relationship I had with Javier.  Looking back I hadn't realize how much he manipulated things.  I don't necessarily blame him.  He didn't exactly have parents to teach him those things.  His grandparents attempted to but I don't think he felt he fit in anywhere...until my family.  And he coped by destroying.  It's an odd assessment but that's why I'm not always angry of what he did to me.  I pity him.  That incident, however, was a catalyst for much of my poor decision making.  I didn't know how to cope with rape.  I kept denying that it was even that.  I faulted myself for putting myself in a situation.  I internalized it to a point that I no longer blamed Javier for anything but myself.  My worth was that.  That someone could have the right to do that.  I don't think I would want my life in a movie.  I think people would be missing the point.  They would look for dramatic sequence.  They would look for something that wasn't true.  I don't regret anything.  Even that point in time.  It all led up to today.  Today is extraordinary.  I may not have the profession I sought to obtain validation.  These days I'm learning my legacy isn't about that.  I give something no degree can give me. No validation or person, really can give me.  I give it to myself.  That's a new concept for me.  I've always known and recognized it but I didn't actually put it into application of me.  Sometimes I have this dream of writing a book.  The concept of it is rising from the ashes of my own demons.  I survived.  Not only that, I strive.  I am living proof there is something after pain.  Jeremy is part of that Jeremy.  So it starts with certain things with Javier.  and ends with a scene with Jeremy on a cruise.  Yeah. I don't have the middle.  Maybe that's why there isn't a book out yet.  It's a nice idea in my head.  So maybe that's why it stays with me.  Maybe I think they would be missing the point of what this all means.  That my life has a lesson to be learned.  I hope so will my death one day. 

Feeling outside the box

I am not talking just thinking outside the box.  There are those that have that capability down to well, a science, so to speak.  What if the idea of positive energy could help those feel outside the box.  I don't think per se I can ever really say magic lives in the world.  I seriously doubt it.  However, there are things that I can't explain.  There is energy I don't know how to comprehend.  I sound crazy.  I probably am.  But I feel outside the box.  Part of my stigma has been my Epilepsy.  I used to and sometimes see it as a curse.  But when I have a clear moment, I see it as a gift.  I imagine things on a much different level.  Does something exist because we proved it or disproved it? That's a question we are still trying to answer.  Faith just isn't from deriving on a religious level.  Faith comes from having the ability to follow something without having all the answers.  That belief comes from simply understanding that there is something bigger than us.  It would be amazing if there were other people that could "see" this.  And that's the thing. You can't see it. You feel it.  You understand that for as different as people are, given the right circumstances they are the same.  They were just taken on different paths.  You will always have those that ignore anything that what they believe in.  Pity them.  Pity that they are so beyond understanding and "feeling outside the box."