Integral part of trusting

It's what I did yesterday.  I went to a counselor to check in. It really helped.  She was a great soundboard. Sometimes you have the answers or know the answers but someone has to ask the rught question for you to get there. I also coined an interesting quote. I'm a tough cookie but even I can recognize I'm having a cookie crumble moment. And then my support. It's not just females in the mix. I have my constants. They are an integral part because of trust bridge. Or whatever you want to call it.

Running through my head

My thoughts mess with me. It's my nature to have my thoughts do that. The good thing is having a support that understands my footing is not going to always be good. I'm not always going to stick the landing. And that's ok. It's ok to ask for help...or a hug...or vent...or just be there. See...the thoughts again.  Part of ne asks how did I deserve this. But that's years of being rejected by certain individuals. Old habits die hard. Then, other parts go...why the hell not???! I'm an amazing person to have and to be in someone's life? This validation project. It's a work in progress. I'm even learning to do it with Jeremy. Respect his opinion. But don't blundly follow or do....just because someone said it. Three words to remember...in your opinion. Aaron and I had a long discussion once about that. Tangent. Sorry. These are the thoughts running today. It's probably due to being my Grandma 's birthday and sgoing to see her...and the other thing. If you're reading and don't get it it's ok. Pass along. If you do...you understand the thoughts. The feeling. Just everything.  It never really leaves. I guess the psychology of surviving. I looked at a magazine covet...the one regarding Bill Cosby...and I felt chills. Powerful  image.....
All sorts of things...running through my head.

I made you smile...or something like that

I made you smile. That's enough for me.  The gift I receive from knowing that, even when I don't,  specifically get an answer. Somehow, I know. I made you smile.  Do I lead some extraordinary life? By most standards, hardly. Yet, maybe one point...one feeling...something that I bring up..or think...or question...I made you smile...or something like that.  I like making a difference in this world.  I asked an interesting question to my support.  It was beautiful feedback.  I started my version of it after a friend used to asked what benefit did his friendship bring.  I mean...I think I know...and then boom...good or bad, you find out...it's different. It's good to be on the same page.  Writing calms me.  I document my thoughts or feelings.  I forever put it in the universe. Whether, by writing or by blogging.  Maybe that thought of what my legacy will bring? I don't worry what people would miss. People would miss my sunshine. Because while it is a struggle to have this sunshine...I do.  Anxiety.  Whether it comes from the traumatic experiences in my life or just from Epilepsy or they all connect...I am too stubborn to not try.  It's worth being happy.  I am my worst enemy.  I create more problems by creating invisible problems or just not clarifying what is or is not something. I am working on that.  In the meantime, I am smiling....because I made you smile...or something like that. It's like a hamster wheel in this psyche sometimes lol

Somehow, it connects

I love conversations about getting inspired.  One of my bffs, Amanda Reyes came up with a wonderful idea for those days rhat inspiration seems dried up. Find one of my quote books and build on that. I often have inspiration somewhere on my thoughts. My train of thought seems like a locomotive of random things linking together.  And then not so random. Somehow,  in my mind it connects.  Squirrel!  Yeah....although mine is Glitterbomb! But I figured you could appreciate the squirrel reference. 

Creating a playlist that speaks

I am so happy when I put my Butterfly playlist on. It contains somgs that whether good or bad memories molded my life. They're  footprints that take me back. I created one for warrior empowering inspiration.  It's called Dragonfly.  It's a work in progress. I always wanted a playlist for my life. I guess you could day it's something on the Unbucket list. Currently playing is Ronan Keating,  "When you say nothing at all".  It's a fitting song for Jeremy and I.

When life happens

Sometimes life distracts you. No harm. You simply blog when you figure out Friday was not done. Jeremy was with me so Ill blame him. Experirncing life. It's beautiful to socialize. I run between social butterfly world amd recharge to hermit world. I like both, depending on my mood
..and more importantly,  my health. I thought of a random idea. What if Epileptics come with a drained battery mode that require more than average sleep because our cycles are not successful. Uninterrupted sleep is the best. I'm probably all over the place because I'm sleepy. I'll try sleep again. 

Beautiful people

Last night was beautiful. Justin brings good people to mingle together. No drama. No crazy. Just good times. I missed my little one. Telephone is great but it doesn't beat seeing him. I'm proud of him.

The new Dharma and Greg

Jeremy and I really are. Wr seems so wrong on paper. Yet, just recently an almost complete stranger took the time to point out what an incredible couple we were together. Marriage is a beautiful adventure with him. It's work. It's not all unicorns and cupcakes. But wr get each other. And accept each other. All elements. That's what we promised. Accept....and love all elements. Like our own vows. I like  that. The new Dharma and Greg.

An idea

Writing. Idea. Need to write it down.

The plan...for the mindset...to be more active

There is a plan to get myself in the mindset to be more active.  Now now.  I know there might be a laugh settling in there.  I too, have the laugh.  But I am so bad with motivating myself regarding working out.  I do work outs better with a buddy.  It's like I have to be accountable to someone beside myself.  It's also an encouraging factor that someone else is making efforts to be fit.  I also look at my decision making regarding food intake.  I don't deprive myself but I am more aware of what I am putting in my system.  It's the plan...for the mindset...to be more active.  I need things that work for me.  And when they fit or gel more easily with me...I will do them.  Basic psychology.  So here I am....trying to be more active.

Stuck in my head

I have this idea for a story.  I call it Sex in the city meets Lizzy McGuire meets Inside Out.  Again, it's stuck in my head. I have small parts of the characters.  I guess sometimes that's where you start.  That's a dream of mine.  I would like to write a book.  Truthfully, I am petrified to do it and perhaps why stories stay stuck in my head.  For some reason, while this one is technically still stuck in my head...it's taken a life if its own and may have some headway with this one.  We'll see.

Some days are blank

I got nothing right now. I'm tired and not alone together feeling well so that might be the distracting contributor. Another time.

An impact

I will be forever grateful and honored that I have friends that trust me to have a positive impact on their children. It means the world to me.

Rewriting history

I am so glad I am not attending school right now.  I would not want to deal with knowing that I know about the importance of slavery but that I don't get to learn about it because it's a "side issue" in my state.  Forgive me for saying this...but the Texas Education System....well, it sucks! It reeks, actually.  I appreciated having a different look at history through my American Studies. While it does touch on history, it also looks at cultural aspects of America.  It looks at how we function as a country.  It may have been to liberal arts to really hone in on a career.  I wish I might have tried finding something that had a more direct line to a career...but we're here.  This is my path.  Sometimes your path is going to go zig zag. I love my country. I am not saying I don't. I love my state. I just wished that those in power weren't so ignorant in terms of teaching our children.  Maybe I'm overreacting. I don't feel like it...but maybe I am.

Thoughts shuffled

I have this idea to write down a story about a woman with Epilepsy. But that it's part sex and the city, part Dharma and Greg, part Lizzy McGuirre..and well..part me.  I need to write them down somewhere.  I probably need to get a journal.  It's a thought.  It came to me while I was talking to a friend.  There isn't a person on television that I see like me.  And it's nice to see that.  I wasn't exposed to people like me until a later time in my life.  It would have helped to relate to people. It would help to know I wasn't alone.  This condition doesn't define me. But it does affect how I deal with things. Plus I have other fun psychological things to deal with. Yah ( insert sarcasm) That's the problem I have. I have these great ideas but I don't know how to organize them.  It's like I have trouble following through on this great idea.  It seems like a great way to bring awareness.  I don't know.  It's just what was on my mind today.

Quick to judge

Why is it easier to be quick to judge.  I mean, our human nature is putting someone down.  Granted, it is okay to have a human moment and recognize...I'm having a catty moment.  But why are we ready to insult someone? Social media has been great about amplifying that.  I have to remind myself not to look at comments of things. Otherwise, I go nuts with how many people will say mean things.  I am no saint. I don't claim to be on any measure.  But I do hope that I find a compliment or see something positive out of people, first.  Maybe that's why it was easier to have my version of Jeremy's zen.  I still have my quick moments to want to get mad.  They're there. But that logical side to me is stronger.  It even works on fights with Jeremy.  I acknowledge to him how he's annoying me but without the sardonic tone to it.  What's nice is he reacts better with it too.  I tend to react to being "done wrong.". But what if I'm misinterpreting that "done wrong".  Sometimes I am being wronged. And sometimes I am just getting the wrong signal.  Instead of quick to judge the person on the negative I go through the positive of their communication.  Maybe, just maybe it can start with me. Maybe in some small way, I'm a domino effect I will never see of good vibes.

Maybe it's me

Maybe it's just me...but above everything respect should be priority. We have such a skewed version of church and state. I don't like fighting. I stay off of politics and religion with my Facebook. But I get confused about the ferver of opposition for people that are different from each other. We're becoming so ignorant...I don't know if we can come back from this.

Authentic freedom

That's an interesting thing to ponder. In order to have this authentic freedom you have to surround yourself with accepting and supportive people. Whether it be your friends or your significant other.  You can get yourself into trouble when you try so hard to push these two when sometimes the fit clearly isn't there.  I've learned that communication is key.  You don't want to get lines crossed.  And then at least, when you are trying to be you, the true you, there is no lost in translation.  For the most part I have this. I'm weird. I'm okay with that. I color outside the lines. I always have.  I'm that one friend you warn your parents about. Not really. I seem to do great with parents.  Probably because while I am out there, I don't make trouble.  Authentic freedom is a journey.  Appreciate the journey.

Making an effort

I'll be the first to tell you that I am not one to talk when it comes to being in perfect shape. I have a long long long long ways to go.  However, I make an effort. A conversation with a friend prompted me to get annoyed (not at friend) but at anyone who doesn't put an effort. Then, what's the point? It doesn't have to be the best....just have it be your best.  Whatever it is you're going after.  Whether it's friendship, relationship, personal improvement on a physical, emotional,mental, or spiritual level you keep going forward in some sense or another.  I had a friend like that once.  It was frustrating that they didn't want to improve.  It reminded me of an old Ellen episode. When she had some sitcom and the guy just wanted to deliver pizzas.  I can understand that for some happiness doesn't come from moving up on the ladder of success.  Success isn't just from how much you're making.  But you do have to make an effort to move forward.  Mine comes from helping Jeremy do that.  Mine comes from improving my purpose.  For example, I am hoping to get back into volunteering.  It's moving forward. It's making an effort.  That's just my take.

Motivation

I need it sometimes. It helps to have a sponsor or two to keep you motivated. Positive reinforcement is important. The path to gain confidence is with having a support system. Motivation. I feel like it's a poem I'm writing lol

Him

Sometimes when my the world in my head seems chaotic, all I need to remind myself is that he's there. He's your partner in crime He's your best friend. He's got your back. I get too crazy in my head. His solution?  What's our next adventure? My moods are all over the place.  He just handles them like one big adventure.

Current feeling

@#$!&*$#@!*&$$$$#!

Tangent

I'm no expert on the law but correct me if I'm wrong...Wasn't the whole point of starting America was from religious oppression. We separate church and state.  Church is not law.  Granted, it is a moral code and institution that people will follow. I respect that.  I don't get upset because someone thinks differently from me.  I do get upset when people use something like the Bible to convey oppression and then use our laws and liberties to continue that oppression.  Just my take.  People offend each other on both lines. I've seen it.  I apologize for both sides.  I don't even need to but somehow I feel like I have to apologize for us not treating each other humanely.  There. I'm off my soap box.  Something just got my blood boiling this morning about marriage and sent me off on a tangent.  I didn't want my status to reflect too much of my political views.  I don't like putting them out there like that.  I guess it was passive agressive. lol