When you're in an unknown

It's been a theme somehow in different ways but still the idea is...When you're in an unknown.  If you're anything like me you over think everything at the beginning. I need a game plan.  But the whole point is there is no manual for the unknown.  I become mindful how I am thinking and feeling at the moment of the unknown.  I think I started doing this when I would have the partial complex seizures because I am still with you, but I'm powerless.  I don't get to make decisions on what's happening.  Hence, the idea of "capturing the photograph of emotion."  Someone likened it to high seas.  You're navigating with no direction.  That's frightening.  Because you're no sure with each movement forward if that is going to ignite something good, something, bad...or in the case of those who have had trauma...clearly much worse.  Most of us had trauma.  We're survivors of different things.  The stories I learn. The stories I read.  You suddenly realize that some of your fears are just like others.  So what now? You are in this new thing.  This new normal as my psychology professor so eloquently put it for this new mindset and way to charter.  I need a squad, personally.  I gain insight from those who have my best interest at hand.  I soundboard.  And I also soundboard well for others.  I have come recognize that while I am not working as a therapist I am rather invaluable to many people.  Sometimes for just one moment. Others, for many moments.  So...ride the roller coaster that is our life.  Our mistakes are not right or wrong.  They are part of the journey we are taking.  We are warriors.  We take these experiences and learn from that.  Some more than others lol
Even the ones I feel I failed with.  Here's to that roller coaster ride.  You ready? Because you're not going it alone.  I'm here....

That Magic

You have the power to change a person's life, even if it's your own.  You have the power to get people to see the beauty and incredible things they themselves don't see.  You have the power to change a mindset simply by showing them and unlocking that magic. This comes in kindness, in love, in laughter, in friendship, and in partnerships.  I notice it while I'm in the midst of experiencing life.  I do it.  I have that power to make a person feel good about themselves.  And the best part...it's not fake or bullshit or anything.  What I say rings true.  I've always been sincere.  It's like a signature.  So today..as you read this, make your power for good.  Compliment a person randomly.  Or look to your partner and tell them how incredibly lucky you  are to be standing there...with them.  Or your parents, that you are so blessed to have been raised in such a beautiful way.  Or your kids.  That they are the reason you breathe happiness of something bigger than yourself.  Whatever it is, where you you know you wield your power...do it.  I am a strange voice in your void now.  You come here...you read. Sometimes, perhaps you might need insight.  Sometimes you need a laugh or smile.  Whatever it is that I wield by you reading this, know that it's infectious.  I send that power off to you.  And you pay it forward.  And so forth.  And in this quite revolution of kindness.  We can smile and look back and see...we changed.  We made that magic.  You know the best part of my blog.  It's in the shadows.  It's a beautiful poetic corner that you sought.  So thank you, for even giving me that magic.  Certain people and certain experiences have changed me.  But my blog also changed me.  My blog allows me a voice where my words come alive.  I know that Magic.  So go...be the warriors that you know you are.  I know it in you. I don't need to know I do it.  I don't even need to know whom I am wielding that magic for.  The world may seem cruel at times.  And it is. But in the dark beauty there is a beautiful strong poetic fighter of a corner that spews poetic strength where love resides.  And that love...trolls its way to beauty.  Love is not fragile.  It's a strength that overcomes through family, through tragedy, through friendship, through marriages, through oneself.  If anyone tells you otherwise, tell them to talk to me.  I'll go tell them to fuck themselves lol

Not today

Got sick. No inspiration. I'll be back to my adorable self tomorrow.

A thought

I get tickled when different things make people think of me. Today it was receiving my Water Lillies wallet. Still, I smile that I spire a thought. Or that something comes up or pops up and I enter your mind. It's a beautiful feeling, really. It's not one I can really put into words. But I am always humbled and grateful you think of me

Am I paying attention?

Am I paying attention to what is good..or bad? Am I looking at what's right and wrong? Is there a line where I need to draw? Am I looking for it all? Do I need to want for more or less? Is it good at worst or best? Do I ned to pay attention to what I want or need? Or is this what I accept. Did I burn? Will I bleed? Do not forsake me because you cannot see the scar that bares the burden I breathe. Am I paying attention to you more than me. Because if I do I will not say. You will burn...but I will fade.

I went all poetic there!  Ride the roller-coaster!

A fixed point

That's what I feel at a fixed point in my life.  There was a moment.  There were so many things running in my head.  The moment froze.  It's though art took over and life began.  It was a rebirth.  Something happened to me.  I wish I could explain.  I just know that sometimes in life, you have moments that you look back, and you will remember....That moment defined you.  All I can tell you is that I felt transformative.  I felt the most alive I think I have ever felt.  For the obvious reasons. Then, for the not so obvious reasons.  Words fail me on how I truly felt.  But the best I have is poetry in motion.  Find your poetry in motion. It just might change you. Funny, Today...Jeremy's and my song just came on.  The Universe is smiling down on me.

Depth

When you find it...hold on to it. Depth.....By friends. ...by love...by yourself.  You learn about yourself. You..for one brief moment understand why 42 is the meaning of life. Or our purpose. Metaphysical makes more sense. And magic is real. All because you opened your mind to depth. And your heart.

Sources of wisdom

Sources of wisdom come in all forms. If you're lucky, you pay attention. I'm trusting in that process of recognizing. It won't be overnight.  As strong as I am,  I discovering triggers that certainly emotionally freeze my logic. But at least I'm recognizing it. It's a start.

Stumbling is healthy ...and I'll deal with my incorrect grammer

I gotta remind myself of that.  And also give some space for others to stumble.  I'm a mess. A beautiful hot mess. We're human. We stumble.  Good thing I have an amazing husband and friends that when we stumble we give a helpful hand. I literally fell yesterday. Body just gave up for a second.  But I had friends that pulled me up. I had friends that I could reach. Most importantly...  I have Jeremy. And last night reminded me that when I go down the rabbit hole....at least I know where to crawl and get out of the hole. Stumbling is healthy
..and I'll deal with my incorrect grammar

It's okay if you don't get it

You know....not everyone is going to understand there is a method to my madness.  That's okay.  In fact,  I applaud someone for adressing that they don't  understand why I do what I do. My blog is here for those that get it or those that seek insightful thoughts. I have insight. I am an intelligent brilliant individual that has a voice and thoughts that could be helpful to a situation.  In fact,  sometimes I might help by giving you a different perspective.  And we don't even talk about.  You just take away from the situation and you process. So...if there is a statement that you don't see eye to eye
..just make sure it's not in malice. Just because you see the sky blue doesn't mean for some it's not showing red. Respect the perspective. 

Find your weird.

It's there. Find it. Now create a box that really looks like a pentagram. The password is 2+2=5, because we all know that plane is there. It's just as adults we've conditioned ourselves to ignore it. Find people who contribute to the construction but ultimately you create it...unless it's a friendship or relationship box. Then it's a team effort. Communicate. Find your weird and go on the roller-coaster ride.

Symbolism

Meanings are important.  Symbolism helps you to see pass the literaral. They're layers to look at. You dig deep unto the construct and see the art in poetry. And poetry in art. And sometimes it interwines. The portal for that thought makes you recognize that the answer may have different meanings.

One of those days

Some days I just need to tune out the world. Recharge time. I've got no inspiration right now. And I don't feel like seeking it. One of those days

Perception of a word

It got me thinking.  How people perceive words.  For example, loquacious.  Is it a negative connotation or positive or neutral? Also, thoughts of being insightful versus opinionated entered.  So many thoughts swirled yesterday.  Yesterday was one of those life changing, mind blowing conversations with Jeremy.  So much we learned of each other.  I feel lucky to have that type of openness with Jeremy.  As any couple has issues they have to work with, so do Jeremy and I.  I am deeply humbled and grateful that any humps and hurdles we do have to overcome that we love each other enough to do them.  I understand and am hyper aware that we what we have is a rare thing.  What's also nice is having a male perspective of things. My friendship with Jared helps me to have insight on Jeremy.  They are very similar in fashion at times. Yet, Jeremy's tough exterior has me struggle with him on opening up.  Am I asking the right questions? And when I fumble or don't convey my thoughts in more logical manner I tend to become mousy in my opinion. Jeremy and I are best friends.  And I appreciate that we trust each other enough to be upfront and honest with each other.  Like putting all the cards on the table.  The next time I think of perception of words I will look at who is conveying the insight or opinion.  

Navigation of emotions

A new friendship
Relationship
Maybe renewed...there is navigation pf emotions. It's figuring the dlow of each other. It makes me reflect. It also makes me reflect on the relationship with myself. I'm still navigating that. It's a process. I'm such a person pleaser I need to set boundaries for myself. But I freeze. And I'm working on that. Navigation of emotions is exhausting but ever so rewarding.

When you want the circle to fit so badly in the square

At the moment I am frustrated because I don't work will be a fit.  It's a bit like on call so there is a relief in that.   But my first gig would have been 9 hours, out of town.  Considering that it would be my first time I imagine my body would not have handled it well.  I can't force things.  I want to force it. I want to push myself to the limit to do it so I can work again.  But I know better than that.  Normalcy is something I yearn for.  When maybe that part of normalcy is not in my reach.  Since the rest of my life is doing better than well I shouldn't be complaining.  I will figure things out.  The good thing is that I want this job. I don't need this job.  So this is a First World Problem.  And I can recognize that.  Life is not always unicorns and cupcakes. But right now my kingdom is still sitting pretty.  And I'm okay with that.  When you want the circle to fit so badly in the square that you try cutting off the edges with your sword...maybe it's time to step back and re evaluate things.

Experience life...head on

Experience life...head on. You can be scared but don't let it stop you. Just experience as much as you...so you can say...I really had that experience. I really lived.

Starting a new adventure

I'm starting a new adventure. I feel it's a good fit.  I'm excited to just be back in the game...at all.  And I'm so happy that it's part time.  I already enjoy my morning talks with Jeremy but somehow I think I will enjoy them more.  My schedule will probably not be a normal one.  You know me.  I like that sort of thing.  Starting a new adventure means learning new things.  I like that sort of thing too! Have a beautiful day today.  I know with your coffee in hand, you're trying to get going on the day.  Or maybe it's night time with you and you were just checking in.  It's interesting.  It always was that while I am just starting my morning, others are in the afternoon, almost heading into evening.  It's nice to keep up with my friends worldwide.  I feel connected.  It was something a friend brought up regarding my professional skill set.  Quite a bit of it sounded like me.  Starting a new adventure....You coming?

What this means

Yesterday was a big deal for me. Here I was being interviewed after 4 years out of the loop.  I have been wanting to go back to work.  I had hoped I would be massaging at this point. And maybe that's still in the cards.  But having this independence was important. Especially associated with my health.  There is a sense of normalcy I was yearning for.  What this means is so much than just having a job.  I wasn't sure what to expect on the interview.  I just was chalking it up to an adventure. Because you know me...experiences and adventures! It's a great fit too. I'll be an assistant to event planning.  It's a security and crowd management service.  Two things I think got me in. One was my volunteer work with Majestic. And the other was my work at Y100 and KKYX.  I'm already a very social person.  Anyways, I don't know if this will affect my blogging.  I grow more and more humbled and in awe that you're reading.  The gesture is not lost on me.  So smile...because you make me smile...whomever you are.  I kind of knew something was turning around.  The She RA shindig really helped me to see what strength I could have "overcoming" the day.  It had many names but I like Jared's SHE RA thing.  Even if it's not spelled that way it's what I do for my support system. I RAH RAH them back.  And Saturday.  I can't even tell you what that was about. If you don't know I went to go see an old friend of mine, Jason play in both his bands.  The interesting thing is he is an ex but we were 16 so I feel it two life times ago.   It was reawakening a past. Not in a bad way.  Just remember the person I was before THAT happened.  I owe all that to Jeremy. He let me just be.  I am so lucky to have a man that understand that sometimes my journey requires some independence.  I am hoping to get back a little into the music scene.  That's the other thing...I know a handful of music people.  I like that! I realized it when the six degrees of Bacon sort of came through. My friend Jason and my best friend Leah know the same guy, whom incidentally, is a paramedic and a singer/song writer. Jens is his name. He went viral this week on an article he wrote about minimum wage. If I am not mistaken he's supposed to go on the Jimmy Fallow show. I met him once.  I went to go see Leah play. She's a keyboardist. She's many things, that little badass.  I digress.  Something inside happened.  I wish I could tell you exactly what. All I can tell you is it was for good.  I even texted a former friend thanking him for starting the inspiration of She RA. While I always kind of had it in my head to celebrate my strength I felt it presumptuous to just throw one for myself.  Heidi rallied the support system and Glitterbomb Kearnsey emerged from the shadows. Yeah. Just go with it.  I feel strong and bold and something else when I encompass this silly little superhero in my own way thing.  I am silly beyond belief. But as the therapist and I agreed. It seems to to be the way I decided to survive...and then thrive.  I go see her today. I think I am going to start a new tradition. Before August 1 and then after August 1.  It never goes away really.  I probably got my epilepsy back from triggers of the rape.  I am starting to see that now. Living with PTSD is a nightmare sometimes.  I don't really talk about it in terms of labels.  I'm not sure why.  I'm a hot mess! But I'm a beautiful hot mess.  I don't want it to define me.  But at least I can recognize the effects and ramifications of what this means.  Yah for Master's in Psychology, right?! I am good with being my own therapist but every once in a while I could use a little professional help lol It's like going to a mechanic or something. Okay...maybe now but you know what I mean.  And my anxiety is there, brimming somewhere.  I keep it at bay with many outlets, and people who help to ground those panic moments.  I am learning a hard lesson in life.  Once you get older, you start what feels like selfishness but in the end...just self preservation.  At least that's what it felt like.  I'm not getting any older and I have to be mindful of my health.  I'm writing again.  That feels so good.  So what this means...is I'm not just surviving....I'm thriving.

Getting it is important

I saw a beautiful thing happen.  I saw people trying to build each other up rather than critique every little thing.  Supporting each other is critical.  We start raising cynical people, and for good reason.  When you experience such rejection and criticism, it's hard not become bitter and have such a hardened heart.  In fact, it's inevitable.  So watching people support each other was a beautiful miracle.  I have a job interview. I don't really know what that means. It's a big deal I am even doing this.  I've been out of the loop for 4 years. I'm nervous as hell. But there they were...one after another.....building up my confidence. No matter what happens...I went in more confident.  And that is just beautiful.  The Epilepsy support group.  Getting it is important. My support system does but they don't relate to the struggles.  These groups do.

The music speaks

Something getting back into live bands is making me happy.  I am truly blessed to have friends who play in bands. They are all sorts of genres. That's the way I like it.  I feel I learn more from having different taste in music.  I feel the music.  The music speaks.  I dance. But when I dance, I don't have an exact movement going. It's whatever comes to me.  Like everything else, I have to be my authentic self.  It was important to find a "soundtrack" to me.  And I got to do that.  I also started another that closely associated to Aug 1.  That was important to me.  That way...when I need that strength...I can listen to it.  I have a job interview tomorrow.  I don't want to make a big deal out of it.  I am at least happy to have someone call. It's a start.  So this weekend did something for me.  I have my strength.  Between the She RA, the bat, seeing Jason play, hearing the song, being back in that scene, having the trust and love from my husband to experience my own journey, friends that help me with this journey, or talking to a person and saying thank you (I didn't expect to do that)...all of it...it gave me strength.  The music speaks.  I'm still trying to figure out the story.  It's still being unfolded.