We're really here

We're really here.  31st of December.  Thanks for sticking it out.  I dubbed a saying.  Those who are still there, still care.  Which is not entirely accurate.  Sometimes caring also means not being there.  It's an odd sort of logic but I get it.  It makes sense to me.  But on some senses, it does ring true.  People who have stuck it out with you this year...whether family, friends, or a significant other...Bravo.  There are stories to those who haven't.  There was a death earlier this year that certainly left a linger.  My grandpa in law passed away.  I've been in this family (Kearney) for 10 years now.  I didn't quite have the Grandpa experience.  Ironically enough, today is also the death anniversary of my abuelito.  While I mourn his death, I can't quite say I had the grandpa experience there either.  So I took Grandpa Jim's passing hard, just as much as Jeremy.  Then there was new beginnings. One of my closest friends got married.  My involvement in her wedding was like a testament to "Thanks for us sticking it out, together!" Jeremy and I went on a cruise.  And it was important.  Because it got me over my hang up of Mexico.  I had a silly hang up about Mexico because I can't speak Spanish.  So what better way to throw myself into my hang up.  It was a beautiful experience.  Jeremy and I celebrated 20 years as friends and 10 years as a couple this year.  I met CC.  Javier's ex wife, whom is now a wonderful friend.  I rekindled a couple of friendships that were game changers in my past.  I also lost a couple of friends that were game changers.  In the grand scheme of things though...I realized that the latter, while important in my journey did not compare to the first two.  So while I mourned the loss....I didn't mourn it as much because the first two were monumental friendships.  Jeremy and I seemed on a new level this year with our marriage.  A good way!! :) And our friendship, oddly enough.  That new change is what makes losses this year more meaningful.  This new level with Jeremy brought me to a new appreciation.  Perhaps the biggest change was within myself. I stuck it out...with myself.  I finally gave myself the chance to really heal.  To really emerge with confidence.  To really see the butterfly, the unicorn, the queen behind all this pain.  We're really here.  I can't wait to see what this next year brings.  Whether God or the Universe (depending on my mood, I suppose) I thank one of them for another year on this planet.  And I hope I have another year for adventures and experiences.  It almost sounds morbid.  However, once you reach a certain age...mortality does seem to cross your mind.  You wonder about your choices. You wonder about regrets.  I don't have regrets.  I wouldn't be here, with Jeremy if I tried to change anything.  And Jeremy. He takes on my craziness with such ease.  I'm sure it's not easy handling my squirrel trails.  But he loves me.  And so that love means following me on my journey.  Hand in hand...metaphorically...and physically.  Likewise....Sticking it out with Jeremy.  The unconditional love that we have is a nice wonderful protective safe feeling.  Think about those who have stuck it out with you this year.  Smile.  If they're still there... they care!!! lol  Happy New Year. Gott Nytt Ar (Swedish), and Feliz Ano(insert little accent) Neuvo  We're really here.

Cray cray

I just finished watching a show of Law and Order: Criminal Intent about a woman obsessed. She was cray cray. It's a show but there are people that are cray cray or obsessed. Aren't you glad we lead nice boring lives? Even the more adventurous things we do aren't cray cray. Squirrel trail. Have an awesome day. Blame the miagrane I had earlier. 

be yourself

To be nobody but yourself in a world which is doing its best, night and day, to make you everybody else means to fight the hardest battle which any human being can fight; and never stop fighting. ~e.e. cummings, 1955

Be yourself.  What wonderful words.  That is easier said than done in our society.  We are constantly being bombarded by signals and signs that tell us otherwise.  Sometimes, being yourself also means standing alone.  Or with very few.  And that's okay.  Because if you are being true to yourself...you are doing the best thing for you.  You are being beautiful you.  You are being messy and magically wonderful you.  And that form comes in so many different ways.  There isn't a one size fits all.  There shouldn't have to be.  Be you.  You is enough.  You is more than enough.  It's fantastic, actually.  Be yourself.  I, at 38, almost turning 39 in less than a month...am finally understanding this concept and actually living by it.  Be yourself.  Because if you aren't...you will be miserable.  Maybe not today...maybe not tomorrow.  But every day you pretend to be someone you aren't...you will feel it eat at you.

Courage

Every man has his own courage, and is betrayed because he seeks in himself the courage of other persons.  ~Ralph Waldo Emerson

This quote stuck out today.  That's what I have been doing.  I seek myself the courage of other people.  And it comes in validation.  Granted, positive feedback is important.  And good.  But my opinion, alone should be enough.  I have a migraine so this isn't going to be much of a post.  But at least know to go have courage with the thoughts and values you have.  You are enough.  Go get em, tiger!

Perhaps a tangent

Honestly, anything with me could be construed as a tangent. lol I do go off on squirrel trails.  Although, I do my best to keep focus on subject or things at hand.  Perhaps, a tangent...this entry still applies.  A conversation this morning struck up so many other thoughts in my mind.  I was thinking about perception, perspective, and finally about saying things on my mind, just to get them out of my head.  That's something I didn't quite do before.  I tried but I always seemed to come off of it with feelings.  Now, I approach them as a subject to be broken down.  The approach has been different.  And so here I was this morning, having another one of my wonderful morning talks with Jeremy.  I talked about a strange dream I had.  Random people can sometimes invade your dreams.  And you have to wonder exactly what that means, if anything.  But after that, I was thinking about perspective.  Perhaps I was thinking of that line of thought because my tradition is to watch It's a Wonderful Life today.  And certainly, a movie like that can bring perspective.  I was also thinking of clarification and authentic too.  I have a favorite words list where some words just make me happy, so to speak.  I like how they play out annunciation wise and then, by meaning.  I almost took a break from the blogging.  And then thought...why not? Why not have an entry today? Some will have wonderful memories today and tomorrow.  And some will not.  I know of one such friend today.  I imagine because of military things, military doesn't really take a break.  But in general, it made me think of the other people that don't take a break, simply because there is a holiday.  Life happens.  Funny how that saying took on a life of its own and has had such mileage.  Ah. Some phrases have definitely had mileage.  But back to perhaps a tangent being made.  I don't know what you are doing today.  I don't know what your day will be like.  But know...you're not far from my mind, blog world.  You cover the quiet spaces of my life.  You cover a Quiet place in my life.  Where my thoughts have some wonderful, strange, and curious value.  So..today...as you go about your day...I am thinking of you.  You are my present.  This quiet place I put my thoughts.  I hope I positively impact your life, somehow.  Whether by Facebook, my blog, or in person.  Somewhere, somehow...I want my "magic" as a friend used to say to affect you.  Now that I am aware of it, I should continue to create that magic and let it live on.  It's not easy sometimes letting my beautiful qualities out.  I bombard myself with negative ones constantly.  But I have ammunition now.  I have my voice.  I have Jeremy's.  I have those who see my value and tell me.  And then I find myself again.  I got distracted for a minute, texting with Jeremy. Yes. I flirt with my husband lol.  We're dorks.  See? Squirrel trail.  Back to your day...whatever it brings....just know...I will be thinking of you, blog world.  For being a small part of why things have changed within me.  It's a Jess revolution.  Viva La Jess.  lol

2.0

Once upon a time when I was friends with JB and LB (only three weeks ago? lol) we would have conversations about him being a JB  1.0 , a 1.5, and finally 2.0.  Through therapy he seemed to be able to understand things better and better communicate his thoughts and emotions.  Jeremy is not much for therapy.  Which is okay.  I do believe in therapy.  I also have background in psychology.  Had I been able to work, that would be a field I would have been in so... yeah I can see why I believe in it! In any case, I was thinking of Jeremy 2.0, so to speak.  This new version of Jeremy.  He's making an effort to be that part I felt missing.  I posted a little meme to you are the peanut butter to my jelly type but with science fiction themed nerdy things.  And he liked it.  As small as that sounds, that's big for Jeremy to acknowledge that.  He doesn't like attention to us.  Ummm...yeah...I can't help that, babe.  Look who you're married to.  But here he is, liking a post about us.  As we left the Nutcracker that night, he mentioned he liked doing these type of things with me.  There again.  I was so happy to have this side of Jeremy.  I'd been waiting for it.  He is really good now about Words!!!! I love it.  It's a Jeremy flair.  The things I had talked about, longing to have in my relationship....is now a reality.  I didn't give myself credit at the time that I deserved that kind of treatment. Sounds silly, right? But that's what happens when you doubt your value so much.  And Jeremy isn't a mind reader.  I was expecting too much of him to know what I want.  He is more than happy to oblige and do things for me.  I feel so protected by him.  That no matter what we go through, hand in hand we go. 

Long friendships

I felt really old with a conversation where I was pointing out we had been friends for 22 years.  But it made me think about surviving things with my friends.  We have all had fights or fall outs.  So what is it about these crazy long friendships that we stick it out.  History? Mutual affection? I applaud the friendships I have, whether I see them all the time or just once a year.  The idea that we are still trying to forge a friendship makes me happy.  I have my close friends.  But then I have friends who knew me with my maiden name.  Or even my second married name. Sheesh. I am really admitting I have married 3 times.  Third time is the charm! For me, being able to say I have been friends with people for over 5 years says something about us.  That no matter the circumstances, we wanted to stay in each other's lives.  I like that.  It is a reflection of our character, I would think.  So, to the old friends you have...smile.  Appreciate what they bring to your journey.  They play a big part of your journey.  And sometimes, they might just remind you to get back on the journey and smile more.  For they have seen you at your best...and worst.  And sometimes you aren't like you were before.  That doesn't change the meaningfulness of the friendship between ya'll.  It just means that at this point in time, you're in a different space.  And that's okay

Instead

Oh, the mishaps and adventures in life.  I say that with a smile.  Saturday could have been seen as perfect.  And in some ways it was. But in a mishap sort of way.  It's a story for sure.  Instead, we have a story that makes us both laugh and enjoy that we have each other.  Saturday was the Nutcracker.  I was so excited for this date.  I had been as a child but it was such a blur, it felt like going for the first time again.  Also, I was excited about seeing ballet.  I enjoy watching dance.  I get lost when people dance.  I get lost when I dance.  It's a beautiful feeling, really.  We went shopping earlier.  And waited for a good time to start getting ready.  or at least me.  I asked for that bath.  I know it sounds silly but something like that makes me happy.  And since I can't do it alone I am happy that I feel confident enough to ask Jeremy.  It was...surreal and intimate.  No more details ;p You can let your imagination wander anyways.  Not turning it into one of those romance novels.  I am so happy, in general about being more confident about things.  I am so happy being confidenct to ask for things I want. But also, being confident about my value.  I still have my moments of self doubt, for sure.  But I hold my head high.  There is a sense of sassy frass from it.  Like a sassiness.  I like it! Jeremy seems to, as well.  We tried to go to Landry's but 25 minutes turned more into 45 and it was getting close to the time for the show.  Instead, we headed to the Tobin center.  I remember it being at Lila Cockrell, back then but I imagined things had changed.  We got scanned in.  We got seated.  But something felt wrong.  I thought we were going to see ballet and the stage didn't look set up for it.  I looked at our tickets to make sure...and there on the tickets, it said Lila Cockrell theatre.  Mind you, it's now 7:22 p.m. We laughed, realizing our tickets got scanned in.  And we were seated! So...Jeremy started the walking navigation and we were walking briskly.  At one point, I had to do something I loathe to do....walk barefoot! Bu my heels were killing me.  And as we were haugling a**, we were laughing.  I told him...back in the day something like this would send me over the edge.  I would have been so upset.  Now...it just seemed like another adventure with him.  And I do love my adventures with Jeremy.  I realized something as were walking.  It takes the right kind of partner to be able to go through life's little mishaps.  And then the mishaps aren't so bad.  You can get mad. But then all that stress inside builds toxins.  And that isn't good for your health.  And also not good for your mental health.  When I was the more angry type of person, I was miserable.  I would go from 0-60.  I had a short fuse.  Now, it brushes off me.  I get frustrated.  However, I just don't have the stress I had before...and that feels good.  Instead, I often incorporate a sense of humor with it.  Funny makes most situations quite bearable.  Especially with the right partner.  We were 10 minutes late.  However, this is the funny part. So was the Nutcracker.  We literally got in and sat down just as the Nutcracker was starting.  So we missed nothing.  Yah.  The other mishap was losing some money.  I was hoping to pay for dinner that night.  I had bought the tickets when I still had a job.  The money I had on hand was part of the money I had earned.  And I lost it.  But we ended up at Denny's.  And we talked...and laughed...and bonded....and ate a banana split together.  It was a beautiful night.  Life will throw you curve balls.  And they can really throw you off base.  Trust me! I work on Zen mode but even I know that life is unpredictable.  Instead, enjoy the little surprises and roll with the punches as best you can, with the best partner in crime you can find.  A conversation with a friend of mine earlier in the week reminded me of how Jeremy has my back.  That there is an unconditional love that sometimes you only find with blood relatives.  Yet, here I have it with someone that isn't obligated to stick around.  But that the love we have is beyond just that lovey dovey type. It's the through thick or thin...we're there for each other.  We have each other's back.  Being married to my best friend is one of the greatest feelings.  It's surreal, actually.  Thank you "DB" for that wonderful conversation.  You really opened my eyes to things.  So...what is the moral of the story? I don't know if I have one.  All I know is when you have the right partner, even the things that go wrong, feel right.

Unicorns

The unicorn, she said, was a marvelous beast, shining with honor, wisdom and strength. Just to see him strengthened the soul. ~Megan Lindholm, "The Unicorn in the Maze," 1988

Why have such a fascination about a mythical creature? Honestly, I don't know why I wanted to be the unicorn so badly at the time.  I do now.  Magic, in its power holds something ethereal and beautiful.  When you are trying to heal from your ugly past and turmoil, magic seems rather nice.  For myself, being a unicorn allows me to capture the innocence of myself I don't have.  What does that mean, really? I always joke I don't act my age and that has a particular truth to it.  Parts of me feel stunted.  I mask it often in my silly antics or goofy persona.  But between the disability and what I was trying to mask with what happened I just didn't feel the grown up I was having to be.  Sometimes I wonder if that is why my work life doesn't seem to have panned out.  And sometimes I wonder if that is a problem at all.  No...I didn't go off and accomplish great things in my professional life.  Maybe that's not the point of my existence.  I far exceed that in my personal life.  I've reached people.  I once asked why I was so damn special? Not in a discrediting but in a I don't see what you see.  Some days I see what that person saw.  Other days, I literally have a blank on my face and scratch my head...saying...I don't see it.  But what I know is the depth I have.  Whether you're a stranger or a friend you feel your value with me.  No matter what you are doing.  I possess some "magical" way of making YOU feel special.  Sometimes it's by my words.  I am a beautiful writer.  I have been told that more than once.  I have an eloquent style to my writing.  Sometimes it;s by my smile.  I smile with intention.  I know my smile can brighten someone's day.  Sometimes when I have done a selfie, it's not in a vain way. It's because that smile does something for someone else.  Then, my warmth.  There is a genuine affection I have for people.  In this day and age when we are so fake about things, I can strategically show one emotion while feeling another.  But that's surviving.  I am that unicorn.  That unique and special person that sparkles for others.  After the storm...after the tears...after the after.  After accepting that my reality looks different without a particular friend...I remember the conversations.  I remembered the truth.  And that is someone needed to show me what was hard for me to see for 20 years.  I am this extraordinary person.  I really am saying those things.  Without a hint of irony.  Jeremy has been quietly telling me this but unfortunately, my demons were quieting his voice and therefore, any roar he had.  JB, on the other hand sort of called it kicking the ovaries and shoving through.  We used to call it being a stubborn troll of a friend for each other.  It's why I got so hurt being called a troll from LB.  I thought she was digging into something in a hurtful way.  And that really cut to my core.  I meant no harm.  But I do know some harm that I do.  And I should have been aware of it.  I'm...eye catching.  Even with my weight gain...People...men...women...gravitate towards me.  And maybe that orbit got too close for comfort.  Maybe insecurities took over and a whole different reality was residing in a brain.  I don't know the answers.  I probably won't. In a matter of minutes I was losing one friendship...let alone two.  But as soon as I saw what was happening I knew that I had to remove the other friendship.  It's only right.  I guess people go through certain grief after friendships.  I had my own mourning when "A" and I parted.  It's strange...I've come to appreciate her more and more...just the way she is.   It's funny how perspective will change you.  I'm sorry "A". Back to the Unicorn....every day can be a fight to ward off the demons.  To ward off the pesky voices that say I am not enough.  I am not good enough.  I am not smart enough.  And they're full of shit, really.  Being married to Jeremy means having to keep up with an intellectual.  I don't just say that because I am married to him.  He is a very intelligent man and for years I couldn't for the life of me understand why he would want me.  As it is, he's not one to have talks about what is great about me.  That almost runs into the "feels".  So I changed the strategy.  He will correct or confirm things.  So instead, I was saying things about myself and he would correct.  And I also would correct him if I thought...You know I like that about myself or I don't agree with you there on that opinion of me.  I am more confident in standing up to even Jeremy.  That's a new thing.  However, the old habits come back here and there.  And that's why I fight every day to keep up that confidence.  I am Queen Sparkles, the unicorn of silliness and all things glittery.  My magic is still there.  I just need a few HP points.  I think I went gamer there.  I still need some healing from all this.  I would like this loss or hole feeling to go away.  Realistically, I know that I have to deal with it.  Intellectually, I am actually doing better and have moved on.  Emotionally,...well...I'd be lying if I didn't sigh here and there.  I don't cry anymore.  I think a lot about things.  I think about other parts of my journey in life.  I think about this part of the journey.  I think about Jeremy and his holding my hand through all of it.  I think about Jeremy's protection of me.  I think about Jeremy and I.  We were talking about being rich.  And that sometimes that type of wealth actually makes people more miserable.  Hear me out.  They have problems that money can't buy or take away.  They don't address the problem because they use material things to mask the real problem.  I kissed him the other day and said I am beyond wealthy.  I have something invaluable.  He kissed me back and smiled and said, "Yes, we do".  And then massaged me.  And held me.  Jeremy is affectionate.  But this side of him is a bit...new.  And I appreciate him doing this. Being this man I needed.  The emotionally available one.  It makes me cry.  Because I realize while I am a unicorn....so is he.  Jeremy is one of a kind.  His thinking.  His ways.  And I accept and love this beautiful man for the quirky wonderful way he is.  Just as he does me.  And he has my back.  And it's not just lip service.  Not just as a husband.  But as a friend.  As a Best Friend.  While I was sighing on losing a best guy friend...I had one still right in front of me.  And even better...it was my husband.  And it made me wonder...maybe that's why I haven't had best guy friends.  Maybe the test was to realize I don't need one.  I keep getting lessons learned from experiences I have.  That's the beauty of life.  You are always in a classroom...learning.  So today...be that unicorn. Yes, YOU.  You have something special in you.  Go figure out what it is.  Go be the hero we all know you are.  Because in the end, you are a gift to the world, most especially mine....whomever you are.  The Quiet space is now you, the readers.  The Quiet Place is now my blog, where I don't know you....and yet I do.  Where there is a connection beyond anything I know...and yet I have no clue who reads this or why.  And it's not for me to know.  It's for me to reach you.  It's for me to make you feel something.  Something special.  Something to think.  Something to smile.  Something to make you even cry.  I've been told my tears are just as my beautiful as my smile.  How about if I tell you that now.  Your smile is radiant.  Your tears are beautiful.  Whatever is going on in your day...whatever troubles you have....You are a beautiful mess.  Even the guys. :) If there are guy readers.

Zen

I went to the Doctor today.  Nothing serious.  It was my 6 month follow up.  What I found interesting was that my blood pressure was up.  And my nerves are finally done being shot.  I spoke to my Neurologist about removing stress.  I also have been working out.  Now strangely and a little TMI for you...I am having a very natural thing that most females go through but not me.  Because of PCOS it's like a ghost.  She also attributed that to the amount of stress I was under.  That sort of really put into perspective.  What I had been doing to my body.  The amount of stress I was allowing myself to be under.  I actually made a joke because I realized one is in health care and one has been counselor.  And yet, in their space my health was detrimental.  How, Jess? How do you put yourself in a situation that you can't figure out that your body is feeling like pins and needles poking at you.  Yelling at me now triggers bad things.  Yelling in general is not good for me to be around.  Jeremy and I don't yell.  I always thought it was because he was an intellectual but now I see my husband understood that yelling was not good for my health.  Even if it was me yelling.  It drains me.  Call me a coward.  I really don't care.  I won't fight.  I'll just walk away.  I'll just remove you.  It's survival mode.  I have mild anxiety.  I have tried really hard to keep it mild.  I try not to let things overwhelm me.  I find ways for my stress to be released.  I am constantly working on my Zen.  It's like the Hulk, only instead of anger it's anxiety.  But trust me, anger resides there too.  I just don't have much of it anymore.  Not even for Javier.  I pity the asshole.  I pity anyone that doesn't see the value in me.  Because I am a bowl full of love.  I'd rather be this happy go lucky girl.  But if I have to protect myself, then I will summon Genna.  At least I can have my personality aspects back.  They had a stabbing party within the last two weeks handing the aspect I used to bunch them together to make Sparklpuss.   My mind is an intriguing but slightly disturbed place sometimes.  But I am downright adorkable.  So there is that.  So...my zen.  Music is so my zen.  Zen coloring is my zen.  Writing poetry is my zen.  Beautiful conversations with friends is my zen.  Snuggling and ... and spending time with Jeremy is my zen.   A bath is my zen.  I can't have them because I am Epileptic.  I have to have someone supervise me.  But since I felt like I would burden Jeremy I wouldn't ask.  Until now.  Baths are calming and relaxing.  I am a ball full of anxiety sometimes.  Those little rascals of demons are manipulative little bastards.  And I constantly work on shutting them down.  They never really go away.  But with enough positive things and outlets I can keep them at bay.  So my zen is back.  I missed my zen.  Oh, how I missed my Zen.

Learning

You learn something every day if you pay attention. ~Ray LeBlond


You learn something new every day.  You hear it all the time from people.  But the cliche is there for a reason.  My classroom is life.  I have learn about different perspectives.  I have learned how people cope with struggles, happiness, and other life lessons in different ways.  I have learned what I like in people I love...and what I don't like.  I have learned who I am at my core, just a little more.  I like myself....no correction.  I love myself.  I learned to be able to say that to myself...and mean it.  There is a confidence about me that wasn't there before.  I learned that people come in and out of your life to help you grow and learn.  That life might be one big chess game and there is a test in all of this.  I don't know what I am being asked, but the answer is being myself, whomever that is.  Lessons like stay true to yourself make so much more sense as you get older.  Something about getting older makes you think about the life lessons more.  Perhaps because we think about mortality more as we get older.  I don't have regrets.  I have lived life.  However, I am grateful that I am on this Earth another day.  I try to live my life with purpose.  It won't be the legacy of what great job I had.  My legacy is the warmth and depth I give people.  That shine...and sharing it with the world.  My legacy will be sharing that sparkle with the rest of the world...one smile at a time.  I recognized that as I got my haircut.  I made the hair stylist's day.  She actually said...I made her feel important.  I like making people feel like.  I know my own power if I give myself the chance.  If i look deep inside for that confidence...I know that sparkle holds power.  I just gotta keep up the confidence.  Luckily, I will ask for help from my loved ones to remind me of my sparkle.  I will ask for wants and needs.  And this both.  I want to keep my confidence up.  And I need to to that in order for my sparkle to continue.  Those self doubt moments are so annoying.  But as I was helping a friend out yesterday on something I realized the advice or take I was giving her was something I need to consider myself.  Some people cannot handle strong people.  They run away from truth and strength because these things are big.  They come with much power.  And when people have this they feel more empowered and less "chained" from their enslavement of thoughts and negativity.  But we are constantly bombarded by negativity.  It is up to us to keep up that positive outlook.  And with help we can.  Reach out when you feel the negative come on.  We all have them.  Even the best of us.  That is something I learned from Jeremy.  Even someone as confident as him has moments of doubt.  You would think I knew that but you know me....theory and confirmation.  Hearing it confirms it for me.  I was appreciative of him revealing that kind of truth.  I know Jeremy is not one to really reveal something like that lightly.  But again, he is making an effort to open up more.  And I love him more for it.  The one area that seemed missing isn't anymore.  I actually feel whole.  I felt whole before but I think it was under a false pretense.  Here...I feel an authentic whole.  And it feels good.  I sleep better.  That's how I know there is a sense of whole.  I sleep better.  Somehow, I have quieted the thoughts and slowed them down.  Learning opens your mind up.  Learning helps you to understand yourself and others just a little bit more.  Learning is connection.  Learning....is life.

Theories

Theories are private property, but truth is common stock. ~Charles Caleb Colton

Theories were an interesting topic last night with a conversation I was having.  It was pointed out as an observation that a person like myself finds difficulty in theories.  Because of certain things in my past, I live with a built insecurity that I constantly battle to ward off.  Where Jeremy used to be quieter on the front about words of affirmations, in his own way he is validating and quieting those fears.  He just does in Jeremy flair.  I used to have Javier's voice in my head.  Then I had Jeremy's and JB's.  What I did was change the voice.  It's still JB's words.  He was trying to help with my self doubt and my insecurities.  So instead, it's my voice....with his words.  And that is a theory I had.  What if all this was a test of me being able to stand on my own...with my own voice...in my head.  I've never done that theory before.  Actually use my own voice.  I simply didn't believe my insight, my thoughts mattered.  I think what helps is that JB and I were so alike.  lol Sometimes it felt like me...in male version.  I imagine that's why we clicked so well.  I didn't confirm much.  Sometimes silence was our answer.  And that's the problem with theories.  I can't work on a theory.  My insecurity is what if I have the answer wrong.  What if I have this all wrong in my head.  What if I read things wrong? It's the reason I clarify.  I want to confirm my thoughts.  It's why clarification is one of my favorite words and things.  You know exactly what is being said.  There is no lost in translation.  This quote reminded me that truth can be manipulated to many forms.  But what the truth represents is a raw story of an action that really happened.  Truth often gets muddled in life, the world.  We build a whole industry around bending the truth of what beauty really is.  Truth is beauty.  Authenticity, which in part is truth, is beauty.  So yes, theories are great...but like it states...they are private property.  People have different opinions on the same subject.  I have often stated...if you're going to accuse me...accuse me right.  I don't live life by a certain code because I am some girl scout or something.  I live my life by a certain code because there is stress in lying to myself or others.  I used to lie to myself all the time.  It got exhausting.  Another conversation involved explaining how I have held in so much in the last 20 years.  That, even those closest to me, had no idea of some of the turmoil and pain residing in me.  But like confession or something...I blehed...It's what I call venting it all out.  I Blehed...and I got it all out.  I liken it to the guy from the green mile who has flies or something come out of his mouth.  Yeah...toxins...something just escape me from letting it all out with people I love and trust.  Now...I do have to reset on the trust thing.  L and JB did a number with me on trust.  But luckily, I have two other best friends that are helping to squelch those trust issues.  Dear one and Sweet Friend (although sometimes I find myself calling her dear friend too) both are supportive in helping me realize that my integrity is in place.  I try to have integrity.  It's part of my core.  Like I said.  I am not trying to be a girl scout.  It's just my code.  It's how I live life.  And it's worked with Jeremy and I.  I love our code.  Something changed for us.  A new appreciation for each other? An appreciation for things peaceful again? I used to come home stressed and sometimes crying.  I was trying to keep up being strong.  But that much chaos was messing with me.  It wasn't even regular family chaos.  I've been around parents and kids to remember families have chaos.  I've talked to moms who explain the chaos.  Nooooo....this was something else.  And that was what stressed me out. It's nice to not have my nerves shot anymore.  So clarification is good.  Theories are great but they are just that. Theories.  You can't really confirm them.  And if you can't confirm that theory, then it might not be the right answer.  And then you might be living your life on a lie...and you didn't even know it.

Confidence

Confidence comes not from always being right but from not fearing to be wrong. ~Peter T. McIntyre

I ran across this quote.  That self doubt really can consume your thoughts.  The past two weeks I think I was letting old habits return.  Conversations in my head.  Actions being taken.  I even started in on things past two weeks ago.  And then a conversation with a friend really brought it to light.  When deep in my heart I knew Javier's words were wrong but I didn't have the confidence to prove them I had my self doubt.  I have self doubt further than that.  The voices of them.  I have never understood how blood can tear down blood.  It boggles me, actually.  So by the time Javier was with me, I just assumed I was wrong.  Another conversation with Jeremy also helped me to understand that many people, even the ones that seem so confidence have inner fears.  They just hide it better.  No one wants to show that fear.  Why is that? Is it because we are afraid of the judgement of not having things together? Does not always having your "shit" together seem like a weakness? For me, that's what it feels like.  This feeling of feeling like a fraud.  Let me explain that.  People say beautiful things about me.  Whether it's my beauty or sparkle.  Whether it's my warmth.  Whether's it's my insight.  Now, strangely my physical attributes I have not questioned.  I am more of a full figured woman.  I am voluptuous.  I actually take pride in it.  Probably because my proportions seem favorable in a symmetry way.  But as soon as someone tries to give me a compliment on my intellect, I don't know whether to believe them.  Or see value in me in such a way that I am this extraordinary person.  That confidence struggle is there.  Most people, I imagine have that in general.  I am willing to critique someone and give them my feedback.  But I do find a way to positively spin that.  I don't like the idea of being mean.  I don't see the point in malice.  My confidence had been struggling probably because I was doubting certain things, certain actions. I stopped Saturday.  It's like all of it came back and I realized. I was right.  I am not crazy.  I received the validation I needed in order to not feel that.  And suddenly my confidence came back.  I will make mistakes.  I still struggle with communication skills with Jeremy.  But I don't wither back into my state of being intimidated.  This time, I just try again and find a way to convey my message.  Every couple has a struggle of things they have to overcome in their relationship.  What probably happens is that couples tend to show to the world all is well and good.  I won't air if Jeremy and I are struggling in public.  Blog, yes...because there is an odd sense of privacy.  But in person, I won't air.  But there is a genuine playfulness that even if we are struggling...we love each other.  We came to the conclusion that literally there isn't anything that would send us to divorce  We would be upset with each other.  But that's not an option.  We made a commitment.  We love each other.  We will figure it out.  And the part of being so candid comforts me that long before we would ever get to that point at all...we would be talking about.  I can't imagine not telling Jeremy things.  I am not preaching and saying that people do or do not have to do this.  All I know...is that by doing this, it has saved so much heartache.  I also realized I actually like my husband.  I love him..but I honestly...like him.  He is a bit hard on the edges sometimes.  His bluntness is certainly not sugar coated.  But I like him.  And he makes me feel safe.  This world can be cruel.  And I feel protected by Jeremy.  And loved.  That no matter what life brings us....we have each other.  Because he has my love.  Does he ever :)

The Universe smiled

Something amazing happened yesterday that made me think of coming full circle moments.  At the time time of the rape, I had no idea how life would unfold.  I hadn't realized the full effect of what something like that does to you.  It has literally taken me 20 years to process all of what it is.  I imagine between the Epilepsy, the developmental disability, and that...I needed that long to figure things out.  My confidence didn't help.  I was all kinds of a mess.  Strange part.  I didn't look the part.  Sure.  I have been living my life rather adventurous to probably escape the demons inside.  But not even those closest to me knew the turmoil inside.  I am letting that guard down to some loved ones.  My trust got a little muddled in the midst of the storm.   But now, now that the storm has passed so to speak...Now I see things clearer.  I have been working out every day.  I think in its own way that's been therapy.  I also have gained healing in some unexpected places.  I gained healing from two ex best friends, both male.  I really hadn't had male best friends since my college days at UTSA.  Sure...Justin (an ex boyfriend turned kinda best friend) was an integral part but being 4 years younger than me...never to the level of friendship did we ever go to that I would label best friendship.  And Aaron. Oh, Aaron.  Aaron has been a complicated character.  He could be considered one but he was so in and out of the friendship with me because of his illness that I look back and not sure exactly what our friendship entailed.  Often times, I felt on eggshells.  Wondering if I was doing the right thing.  Our friendship did stress me out.  And that's not how a friendship should be.  My two friends, whom I have rekindled friendship, however small they are helped me to gain insight and perspective.  On the situation...and me...on my life journey in general.  They have been game changer friends.  Their friendship impacted particular parts of my life.  Those particular parts of my life were life changing one way or another.  They shaped part of my future.  Even mindsets.  And yesterday, out of caring for me they helped me to get my head straight on.  And then, RN.  He is another friend turned boyfriend turned ex turned friend again years later that helped me to understand things about forgiveness, about pain, about truth, about how people part from each other, how life takes turns.  The Universe smiled at me.  And I smiled back.  In the grand scheme of things JB might have just been a small part of my story in order to gain healing on my life journey.  I had a conversation today saying I don't regret the friendship.  I also said I don't regret terminating the friendship.  One of the things I have come to appreciate from friends is how straightforward they are.  Granted, the honesty and bluntness can feel clumsy and the execution might hurt my feelings.  But it's your version of what you see.  I don't have to take it.  Or I can.  But I appreciate candor.  Even Jeremy's candor has a wonderful feeling to it.  As he says...it's not always pretty but it's what he is thinking.  There are no cryptics. There isn't lost in translation.  There is clarity and clarification.  I don't play games.  I don't beat around the bush.  That might be too much for some.  You can manipulate truth.  You can take my words out of context.  You can twists words.  But what I say...is what I mean.  And I know that about myself now.  I feel happy again.  I won't lie and say I don't miss my friendship.  It was a grand friendship.  But I need friends that can stand up and tell the truth.  And sometimes, some people just can't do that.  And that's okay.  It just means I need to remove you.  My health doesn't allow for the kind of stress I was putting on my body.  But there are laughs now.  There are lessons.  For example, don't ask this Epileptic to move sofas with  you.  I did it.  I had a seizure.  See? It's funny now.  I know I know. You're saying what the fruit loops, Jess??/!  I am still working on boundaries.  I can be too nice and accommodating for my own good.  I am still working on that.  But Jeremy is there to help me.  I hadn't realized that our friendship aspect of our relationship could get stronger.  He never ceases to amaze me.  And we have a funny about words of affirmations too.  I call them words of appreciation.  And he will just yell out..Words!!! Words!!! I love it.  Thank you, JB.  I will forever be grateful for you helping us have that.  I wish nothing but the best for you in your marriage.  Sometimes people come into our lives simply to have us learn.  They help us to grow as individuals.  As my friend Natalie said....some people are characters that have served their purpose in your life story.  I served my purpose in theirs.  It was time to leave.  They served their purpose.  It was time to leave.  This morning, as I was lying on Jeremy's chest...I just breathed in happiness.  I have this amazing individual as a husband...and a best friend.  Not just words.  He encompasses so much of what truth ...my truth means.  He gets me.  I love him ever so much more for it.  For accepting my craziness.  For accepting my journey.  For accepting...and loving me....just the way I am.  He loves me despite who I am...and because of who I am.  Hold on to that if you have it.  It's like air you breathe. Crimson Sky by Brian Crain is playing.

Gratitude

Gratitude turns what we have into enough. ~Author Unknown

What an interesting quote to come by.  When we do have enough in our life, there is a feeling of abudance.  And we become thankful of what surrounds us.  I must remember that gratitude also includes what I have within myself.  I am grateful for the life I have.  The hardships, the tears, and the struggles to get to where I am today.  That could mean on a healing level.  Or a personal level.  I am back as a house wife.  I don't think I do house wifing well.  I am too restless.  I am looking for work.  My friend, Ems is being helpful.  I also applied for 6 jobs yesterday.  I at least want to show Jeremy I am making an effort.  I do come at more of a disadvantage being out of the work force for so long.  And then the Epilepsy.  But I will do the best I can.  It's just part time.  I don't know if my body can handle full -time anymore.  I do have a possible idea on a story if I can just get an outline going to get the writing flow.  I am grateful to be able to work out every day.  it's been great therapy.  I clear my thoughts.  I sweat out the pain, so to speak as well! As evident of my previous blogs I was in emotional turmoil inside.  Now, I am back to my happy little self.  I am grateful for my strange coping mechanism of retraining the brain.  Will I have moments? Yes.  But I am at peace for my decisions.  I walked away with integrity.  And that's important to me.  I am grateful for lessons learned.  Maybe learned in harsh ways in life sometimes, which is not pleasant....but lessons learned nonetheless.  I am grateful for my friends.  My close ones.  And then those I haven't talked to in years.  The mere fact I was sad or just not my normal inspirational self was enough to have people put a smile on my face...whether they knew why or not.  That kind of kindness is beautiful.  It gave me hope on humanity at whole that we do have this kindness in us.  Beyond religion, politics, or any construct that separates us when it comes to values....someone did a gesture, because they cared.  I feel very overwhelmed by love.  Gratitude for meeting "L" and "J".  In happier times, it was a beautiful friendship, both of them.  They taught me a lot.  Gratitude for having such a supportive and loving husband.  Jeremy "gets" me.  That is such a beautiful thought.  And when he struggles with it, his love for me has him figure a way to "get" me.  No longer do I discredit things.  And when I falter and go to old habits....I have Jeremy and friends to remind me of my sparkle and shine.  I am once again that unicorn.  Not a princess, though.  And no longer Sparklepuss.  Much of that is retired because it's too closely related.  I needed to start a new.  Stronger...wiser.  But I still carry my magic.  I carry the encouraging words that made me realize I had something valuable to give to the world.  That I have a beautiful mind to share with the world.  That my thoughts matter.  I am grateful for being here one more day.  Call it spirituality.  Whatever you want to call it....I am grateful for walking this earth...one more day.  I not only have enough....I have more than enough.  Master piece by Joseph Akins ins playing.  So, world...find your gratitude.  That small positive energy grows...and grows...and maybe one day we can change the world...one positive thought at a time.  It can start small.  It starts with me today.  I may wish my life included working.  But at the core of everything, I am grateful for my husband to provide that I want to work.  Not that I have to work.  Maybe, in the future I will go back to volunteering.  I did love doing that.  On the health front.  My stress level is way back down again.  I haven't had a seizure in 3 weeks.  They weren't the big ones.  But even a hiccup as I used to call them still isn't a good thing in my book. Besides doing the right thing....I also did this for my health.  I can't easily bounce back.  My threshold is lower than it used to be.  I don't do well with chaos.  I do well with peace and quiet. And I know life isn't quite like that.  But in my world, peace and quiet is what I have.  There are consistencies in my life.  There is routine.  And I am grateful for that.

Tragedy

A couple of friends' moms passed this week.  One I didn't know but still affected because it was my friend feeling it.  The other, I did know the mom.  That one has affected me.  It gave me perspective on the trivial things in life.  I have an appreciation of little things right now.  I hug Jeremy more.  I appreciate something as small as him liking my posts.  That's a sweet thing.  It's his way being that emotionally available husband.  I see the goodness in him that maybe it was hard to see because I couldn't see the goodness in myself.  I got lucky enough to find my soulmate.  Jeremy is not what I expected....even this late in things.  He never ceases to amaze me on how amazing he can be.  Just when I think I got him figured out with things, he surprises me with the love he has for me...and it makes me love him even more.  And cherish him more.  Sounds silly...but hug that special someone.   Cherish them.  You never know.  *Hugs*

The strangest places

I have received support in the strangest of places.  Of course, my closest friends have been there. And Jeremy. But I received support in 3 places.  A former friend that I struggled with.  Thank you, "A".   Whatever we are doing....I have a new appreciation for things.  And I appreciate what you did when I brought you that drink.  The whole experience was unforgettable.  And your compassion was appreciated.  "JS"...you play a big part of my past.  We have been ex best friends.  We have stayed friendly.  We've never gone back to being what we were.  But through Facebook we still are part of each other's lives. And this week you helped me heal on losing a best friend..because one time I lost your friendship because of Javier.  I don't regret my journey.  RN.  You have been a good friend in my life.  You have also been a boyfriend.  And for many years hurt and other things didn't allow us to be able to be friends.  I am really happy we have rekindled our friendship.  I probably will never see you in my lifetime seeing how you are in another country! But I appreciate your words of encouragement. It helped me work through things.  Thank you for being such a good friend.  To give you an idea, RN probably saved my life.  Falling in love with him made me finally leave Javier.  I probably would've committed suicide.  I just recently told him about being raped.  He suspected but he never came out and directly asked.  Support came from strangest places.  I did doubt things about myself.  I did second guess myself.  A rape survivor does that.  Negative thoughts amplify and whether they are true or not they stick in the survivor's head.  But Jeremy, my friends, and the strangest of places friends pulled me out of my insanity, my own head.  I am a sensitive soul.  I do take on more. But not that I have clear head.  Now that I have calmed down from the storm of emotions...I realize that people who haven't learned how to control the rage inside because of their past are not going to be able to move forward.  I learned that I do have integrity.  I am me.  Good, bad, or Jess.  I am me.  What you see is what you get.  Perhaps, that is too much for some people.  I learned that Jeremy and I really do talk about everything and anything.  I love our candor.  It may not always be pretty.  But it's consistent.  I learned I don't like intense.  I'd been suggested to be a certain way, talk to Jeremy a certain way, get into therapy...you know...we are who we are.  Stop making us, you. It's not working anyways.  Both parties were guilty of that.  And I felt a sense of hypocrisy because they had problems.    I learned that when push comes to shove I believe in loyalty...even if it means I sacrifice something or someone that is dear to me.  I believe in truth.  Be truthful with yourself, your partner, and the world.  I'd rather get hurt by Jeremy by his truth than him not tell me.  And maybe that is what I came to appreciate from "A" and her truth.  I will give credit where credit is due.  And I will hold myself accountable for not finding a way to convey the struggle I had or have with people.  Not to say that people are complete angels.  But that I see my part in it.  And I will work from there.

A new way

Death is not the greatest loss in life. The greatest loss is what dies inside us while we live. ~Norman Cousins

What a quote.  I had a friend experience loss last night.  I can only imagine he/she and the heartache they were feeling.  I have experienced loss myself.  The biggest impacts were my Grandma Agness on my mom's side.  And Aaron.  Two very different ways that death came about.  But nonetheless for me, a feeling of loss from it.  I was extremely close to my Grandma.  Not a day goes by that I don't think about her in some way.  Before she died she told me that every time I saw one dime it would be her way of saying hi.  And like some crazy thing...when I need to feel something, hope, maybe? There's a dime in a most unexpected place.  Call me crazy.  But it it something I believe in.  And it makes me happy to know.  Aaron, on the other hand was less peaceful.  He took his life so already that abrupt and come out of nowhere loss still strikes me with shock.  Also, Jeremy and I were one of the last people to see him.  So that is always jarring to remember.  Although, now I see that as his way of saying good bye and we were lucky to be on that list.  You don't get to see them in person.  And that is very painful.  But they live within you.  They live within your memories.  I can see why they say break ups, termination of friendships, and divorces have that feeling too of loss like a death.  Rather the death of a person, it's a death of a relationship or friendship.  Back to this.  Today, as I have lunch with Jeremy I will enjoy the day.  I will enjoy that I was able to get up again.  That I have friends near and far that love me.  That while my health has been iffy the last few months that I am back on a better health bubble.  I am also working out every day.  It's not even to lose weight.  It's more of just being healthy.  Let me see how this way goes.  It's a new way.  And perhaps, that's exactly what I need.  A new way of a journey.

Dear Readers

Thank you.  I can't tell you what it means that you read my thoughts.  I am overwhelmed by it.  You come here for different reasons.  Even curiosity is acceptable for me.  The point is, you read.  I don't even know who you are.  I don't need to.  It makes me feel special.  That I sparkle.  That my intellect matters.  That I truly am this beautiful person with something to give to the world. That I matter. For years...say like 20? lol Sorry, Jared.  Laughter of discomfort is back.  For years, I doubted myself. I doubted my worth.  Today, and these days forward....I don't.  I am worth the trouble.  I do ask for wants and needs.  I do feel confident in my value and my contributions.  I look at Jeremy and feel such love and admiration for my insane thoughts.  I am me.  I am a fruit loop in the bowl of cheerios.  I won't let go of the sparkle.  It's the legacy I will keep going.  And maybe because I do, I help someone else find their sparkle, their value.  I see your depth.  I don't get to know it.  But your depth is there, readers because you seek something out of this blog.  You seek truth? Connection? Entertainment? I am quite entertaining.  I am unforgettable.  Support, maybe? I am an emotional cheerleader.  It used to be I was just that for my what I called tribe at the time.  Now, I hope to be that for you, the reader.  Whomever you are.  From Poland, to Portugal to Russia, to France, to Japan, to Romania, to Israel to UK to Ukraine, to Malaysia I..to the US.  I see your worth. If you are just one...or more than one, reader...thank you for reading.  You melt my heart because you read.  It's a validation that I need.  And it helps my confidence.  You matter to me, because in some way...I matter to you.  Kindness.  A gesture...Something...I wish that for us.  With all the crazy things happening in the world, I love to know or see kindness.  It's beautiful thing to feel. If I forgot a country, please forgive me.  It changes from time to time.  Thank you.

The takeaway

Whew.  It's been a week since Tornado Leah.  Since I spilled their real names I should stop hiding behind the names of "Sue" and Joe".  I have enough integrity to not reveal their last names.  There was a wonderful takeaway from all this.  This week, Jeremy has gone above and beyond as a husband...but as the best friend.  I lost a best friend.  I don't say best friends because I have never had a best friend text me or on some days talk to me like that.  As "A" and I discussed, not even on our worst days together did I get talked to like that.  In fact, I yelled, if anything.  I am taking accountability.  Regards to that.  I don't know where that road goes but I can tell you I gained perspective...all around.  Like I told her....you deserve this damn drink.  I had promised an action.  I digress.  When you're angry...I get that you might want to lash out.  But there is self control.  Also, you will regret the things you say. I noticed things now that even I am calmer.  Last week I had anger.  I was so hurt.  Not even by her.  By him.  I get loyalty towards your wife.  You're married.  There is a sense of needing to "take her side".  But I could have been a friend if you had giving me a heads up or warned me.  After all, at this point I was sticking around to help him.  She has acquaintance friends but really, there was me.  She bulldozed conversations that sometimes I just ended up listening.  It wasn't all bad.  We had good times.  At the time I enjoyed the erratic thoughts or as he called them bunny trails so I adopted that thought.  But I am a structured woman.  And when you don't call me or text  for almost an hour and you're late...and you don't apologize.  I was discrediting myself.  It's not like you're in a rush, Jess.  She had a rough childhood.  And I felt like maybe I didn't need to come on strong on about what could be trivial stuff.  Again, I realize I should have put my boundaries.  And it was becoming more difficult to watch her talk to him a certain way.  They assured me this is the way they talk.  And I tried to understand it.  Jeremy and I do tease each other. And in best friend we can get pretty dicey.  But no...this was more like insults.  And then when she described him to me in a less than favorable manner  I all but wanted to yell.  Was this a compliment or an insult?  And I don't know. Then the sofa incident.  There are so many little conversations and incidents I am reviewing that make me feel better about not having them in my life.  Both of them.  I was hurting about losing one of my best friends.  But I took a takeaway from that.  He butted in on my family dynamics regarding Thanksgiving.  I thought that was hypocritical since he can't seem to have a handle on his own family.  I suppose when you're an intellectual you can't see your own cracks.  I also wanted to be a good influence on the kids.  I didn't yelled when I got upset or frustrated.  I didn't call them morons or idiots.  I understood unorthodox things regarding parenting.  But using foul language like the kids did was bothersome.  So many reasons my presence was just not good there.  I am not (enter their last name).  And some ways they were trying to make me one.  I was Aunt Jess.  But then the idea of boundaries. Mine. Theirs or hers as she puts it.  Okay.  Let's assume I made boundary violations too.  You don't wait till you're mad at me to tell me how you really feel.  And call me a troll and coward.  And the worst one of all.  It wasn't true but it still hurt the same.  And that escalated from there.  By then she said she was done.  Perhaps she was just talking in the moment.  But I don't play stupid games.  Say...I need space.  But she doesn't have self control on her anger.  It's not easy when you have anger issues.  I am the first one to tell you it's been a journey.  But I learned by Jeremy how to channel it and how to not let things be so much of hang ups or get to me.  You also have to want to change.  I do feel guilty about having my own anger rant with Here's the thing blog but I was beside myself.  I have been honest saying yes, I did form feelings.  But as I tell you pass the salt, that is what I told him and her as just fact.  It was never in the sense of anything like I have like Jeremy.  And maybe my honesty was too much.  I assumed it was one sided until he confirmed they were reciprocated.  Again, just factual.  We continued our friendship.  We had awesome intellectual talks.  I learned.  He wanted to call in the morning.  I asked Jeremy if that was a problem.  He didn't see the problem.  Remember, he was the one having marriage problems.  What I should have done was be mindful of his marriage since he wasn't.  But I look back and this tornado would not have happened.  And honestly, it needed to.  We needed to not be friends.  They are too intense.  I was having too many seizures, some big...some small hiccups.  But it is chaotic and stressful.  And if you are my friend, you should be thinking about my health.  My other friends are very mindful of it.  They are also not selfish.  or self centered.  They are also adults if we have any conflict.  I put the cards on the table so there are no surprises.  I say what I mean.  I try to be as forthcoming and authentic as I possibly can be.  So if the takeaway is that I'm too much...then I'm too much.  My guess? I was a bad apple because I was a good apple.  I showed what a good marriage looks like.  A good wife looks like.  Even a good mother.  I'd start resenting me too.  This wasn't my house.  Word got back that maybe it was a temporary un friend.  But I don't play games.  And by then I was glad she had.  I hurt unfriending him.  But in order to be a good friend, a loyal best friend.....I had to.  I am not good for their marriage.  Any problems they have, let them have them without me there.  And like it or not, he was starting to probably feel in the middle.  Hence, my hesitation for having a married guy best friend now.  I look at my own mistakes on this.  But I wouldn't have done anything different.  And I second guessed myself so I asked Jeremy.  He said the same thing.  That really helped.  Getting his confirmation.  I respect Jeremy's opinion.  So from here....I woke up well rested.  I was erasing emails and noticed the time on my phone and laughed.  It was because that's the time he would call.  And I didn't even notice the time.  Those calls were more for him than me.  I enjoyed them.  Always wonderful intellectual talks.  We also shared personal things.  There was an emotional connection too.  But his personality is very...stoic ish.  If I remember in a good manner.  He is a good person.  He is very compassionate towards the world at large.  He's extraordinary at his job.  I gave him words of affirmation because it seemed he needed them.  And maybe I'm wrong.  Maybe they are frolicking in the sunset and I was the problem all along.  Either way, it's best I am gone.  Today, Jeremy will be giving back things they gave me or us like the shot glasses.  I didn't have the heart to give back the bear or the trinity knot velvet bag.  I am assuming not talking to him again in my life. I don't see him ever reaching out.  So I kept those two.  At the time they were meant in a genuine way.  He helped with healing.  My rape was hindering parts of me that I had no idea. I also improved my communication with Jeremy.  I have more confidence about the amazing woman I am.  So the takeaway is ....well...what you texted once, buddy.  We're Jared and Jess, best friends.  Something mere mortals could never understand.  lol In my mind, we will stay that.  Reality is different.  But the best of both us will be there.  I changed your perspective on  life.  and Likewise.  You were a game changer friend.  So thank you.  I revolt at pretzels and ranch now though lol.  Sighs. My sense of humor is still here.  Jeremy understands this.  I keep apologizing.  And he keeps telling me the same thing.,....You lost your best friend.  Cry all you want...for as long as you want.  I told him this morning. I'm okay.  I'm going to have and we finished the sentence together...moments.  But....I'm okay.  I received so much support this week.  Whether people knew the reason or not.  They just were there.  Even something as simple as still posting Harry Potter on Facebook because that was his thing.  I still get to, thanks to my friend Emily.    I am surrounded by love.  Who could ask for more?

A day to celebrate

Today is Ashley's birthday.  It used to be our anniversary but I am so glad Jeremy and I were able to come up with November 22 as I am happy this is all her day.  The last 10 years with Ashley has been quite the roller coaster! But I am so proud of the individual she is becoming.  She is such an intellectual.  I love that she questions things.  I love seeing the confidence she has.  I am honored to be her stepmom.  And for me, she is my daughter.  As Thomas is my son, she is my daughter.  I have the privilege of being involved in the influence of two extraordinary individuals.  But this is about Ashley.  She has a realistic view of the world which is quite interesting for a 14 year old.  Wow...She is 14 today.  Between 10 years there has been so many memories.  I cherish those memories.  So today...today is a day to celebrate.  A day to celebrate an extraordinary that I am so proud to be a maternal figure of sorts to her.  I love you, Ashley.  You're such an amazing person.  I know our journey has been more strained than Thomas but I also loved the progress and where we are now.  I love our bond now.

Here's the thing

Jared...you lying sack of shit.  I get that maybe you want to save your own hide.  But don't be a fucking hypocrite.  Be a man.  Be a man like Jeremy.  I am going to be just fine.  Don't ever play with a rape survivor's head.  And you did just that, sir.  And you were the one helping me.  So congratulations with helping me with my self doubt you spineless piece of shit.  I know you had to save face.  I even understood at some point I might be thrown under the bus.  But I know my truth.  And I am a forthcoming and honest person.  You said it yourself.  You know the truth.  I don't need to mourn a friendship because at this point I know you weren't being an authentic friend.  And I like my friends to be authentic.  I thought I was feeling bad for you because Leah was a certain way.  No...I feel bad for her because you're a certain way.  And here like a loyal idiot friend I am protecting you.  Fuck you.  There, people.  Little miss tries to keep my calm and anger issues in check.  I am pissed at a fucking hypocrite that doesn't have the fucking balls to be a man to his own wife.  He can't even stand up to her.  Good Riddance.  Jeremy called him a pussy.  I couldn't agree more. 

At peace

This morning...I woke up with a sense of peace.  I have people near...and far rallying for me.  Whether they know the source of my pain.  That's a comforting thought. I had an unexpected thought and decided to follow up on it.  I lost a friend some time again.  She and I constantly struggled in our relationship.  Yesterday...or I should say yesterday evening I brought her that drink I had been wanting to get her whether we were trying to stay friends or not.  I don't know if I knew the core reason.  I do know...that with roller coaster ride I just got off of...she earned that drink.  Perspective means you laugh when with all the struggles you had with her, she never gave you a seizure!  I am hoping "Joe's" influence helped for me to keep up my healing habits without him around.  I think so.  I asked Jeremy for a want.  At some point, I would like to go to Barnes and Noble and sit there and not talk for 20 mins.  One of the things I love about Jeremy is he helps me to redo memories and make good ones with him.  And he was happy to do that for me.  Jeremy is thoughtful.  I didn't lose my other best guy friend.  I am married to him.  And maybe that is a lesson for me.  Don't be best friends with a married man.  I am not saying married people,especially those of the opposite sex can't be friends, more importantly best friends.  I am just saying for me....I don't think I will.  If nothing else, lessons were learned.  Like, maybe don't work for friends.  I guess you have to experience for yourself and realize...yup...doesn't work.  There was too many triangulations, boundaries, and other things muddled.  You know...the strange part...one of the complaints "Sue" had for me was that I didn't want to clean.  Granted, it's not my favorite thing to do for another person. But I was being paid.  And if she wants to play the honesty game she knows I used to feel useless if I wasn't doing something.  She never quite gave me idea of what my job description was.  It was everything and nothing.  And it kept me busy.  Her arguments were unfounded.  But it was something I noticed in how she did things.  "Joe" called them inconsistencies.  I call them...lies.  My guess.  To make herself look good or if nothing else, someone else look bad.  If you were to survey this situation you would think I was the bad apple.  Just by perception.  And because of my own self-doubt I did want to blame myself.  But when people remind you of the person YOU are...let's just say I was thankful for the reminder.  Something I recognized when I finally gave "A" that drink.  Whether I meant to or not I had been the roller coaster ride.  And for that alone, I was glad to have experienced this tornado to see that epiphany.  I don't want to be a roller coaster ride.  I used to be entertained by these "bunny" trails Sue had.  But it was too much.  No structure.  No discipline.  Sometimes I think she is still a child sometimes. Like parts of her haven't grown up.  She is, after all me 5 years ago.  Not to that extreme...but the anger issues.  I am actually looking forward to a nice quiet and boring weeks ahead.  Considering the intensity my life has been the last few months, I am craving...calm, quiet, and boring. He texted sort of, the day I unfriended.  But it was blank.  I don't know what it meant but I just felt like I couldn't answer.  And last night I wanted to text...but I know that it's not in my best interest to go back to any of that, which includes him.  I have done the right thing by ending our friendship.  1) out of respect for a marriage.  2) I don't need that kind of stress with my health.  My health was at risk.  So...I may have little to write on because I am a housewife again.  But who knows...maybe my thoughts are adventures enough.  I do remember a friend suggesting getting a quote and writing a blog entry about that.  I might try that for Monday and see how that goes.  Life is a lesson all unto itself.  I haven't walked away from this experiences without lessons.  "Joe" was a big part of starting the healing process about the rape.  He is a friend that never gives up on you.  Even if you snarl at him lol He would tell you that was a laugh of discomfort.  And maybe it is.  Maybe I need humor for this.  Terminating the friendship like I did I don't know if I had my closure.  What I hope to retrain my brain is that Saturday when we hung out....That was our closure...I didn't know it yet....or did I? And maybe that is what I leave it at.  I hung out with my friend.  And that was it...That's where the story ends. As one of my friends said yesterday...the purpose of my character is no longer needed in the story.  I think she's right.  So likewise...the purpose of the characters that "Sue" and "Joe" were are not needed in my story anymore. The world is crazy.  You see shootings.  You see ISIS.  It makes you want to crawl back into a cave.  You see a lot of  sadness.  But I will tell you this.  Never give up on humanity.  For all the horrible things we do to each other, a gesture...anything that translates into some kind of kindness is gold.  Not because of anything other than...kindness.  Not religion, not politics, not gaining anything....just because.  I pity "Sue".  At this point, I will pray for peace for her with the war she rages inside her.  But just kindness.  Maybe in this crazy bizarre way when we go into the world today...we change the world...one kind gesture at a time.

A new chapter

Today is a new chapter.  Where to begin all this? I will always protect certain details because this matter is a private one but perhaps I can shed light on my world.  Because of my Epilepsy I have to maintain my stress levels.  I have left toxic friends before.  I stayed longer than I should have.  I have a compassionate heart.  It gets me in trouble with toxic friends.  Let's call this toxic friend...."Sue".  And let's call the other friend "Joe".  Sue and Joe in the past had marriage issues.  Much of her actions due in part. But in some ways, he wasn't stepping up to be the kind of husband she needed.  They were on their way to divorce some time back.  I tried helping.  In the end, it seemed like things were better.  I thought they were anyways.  But I started working for them.  I look back and realized that was a bad idea but I needed to see that.  I might still be friends with them if I hadn't.  And in the long run, I need to not be friends with them.  Sue has anger issues.  She constantly raised her voice.  She was quick to anger.  The most dramatic one is when she gave me a seizure, not because she was mad at me...but that she turned all her anger on the person she was angry with and forget it wasn't that person.  I tried stopping her and she got combative and also shut down her feelings on me.  I ended up having a seizure.  I went outside and cried.  The other time was recently.  It wasn't a full on seizure.  My job description is not to carry sofas.  I am a petite woman.  And yet, here I was carrying a sofa upstairs with her.  It couldn't fit and so she unhinged the door. She was supposed to leave soon for an "appointment".  I told her about the time constraint and she raised her voice.  I left it alone but my left side felt spikes.  Finally, she just figured she would leave it for Joe to handle these sofas.  It was a delayed reaction...but I suddenly realized...you're leaving it for Joe AND me to handle.  So I carried 4 sofas up the stairs.  He tried to minmize by saying they are not that heavy.  That's his thing.  But they were f*cking sofas.  And shelves she wanted me to put together.  Whether it's my developmental disability or IKEA just makes you feel dumb...I couldn't figure it out and "Joe" helped to put it together.  All while home schooling the kids.  But we got it done.  I was proud of my best friend and I.  He looked stressed at one particular time and I hugged him.  He had been trying to get a nap for some time.  His job takes a toll on him and can be stressful at times so I felt awful he wasn't getting that much needed nap.  I don't tell him I am hurting physically.  I am little mrs. Strong.  I am not going to show my pain.  But I could feel it the next day.  And I didn't sleep well.  It was a strain on my body.  All so she could look at a horse.  That was her appointment.  Priorities much.  But "Sue" is a selfish spoiled woman.  Joe loves her and wants to please her so much he doesn't see he enables her behavior.  He tells me he tells her no...but I never really saw that.  And sometimes I wondered if my bringing it out would sound either like meddling or some weird I'm trying to get your man feeling.  Because in the end, she got this bizarre idea of something.  I was close to Joe.  Was I attracted to Joe? Yes.  But I am a married woman.  And I love my husband.  I have a code.  Was Joe attracted to me. Yes. But there again. He lived by a code too.  And we're human.  Attractedness doesn't suggest cheating.  But "Sue" was so insecure it became like being on eggshells. Besides the environment  I was in with her anger...her insecurities got the best of her.  And the last 3 days I was getting texts that were so hurtful. She called me a coward.  And said I could troll my way to her house to get my shit out of her house.  Sad part. It wasn't my shit.  It was gifts I had gotten him after a very painful and stressful day for him.  I had been trying to cheer him up...with a troll.  Because I am a stubborn troll of a friend.  hahhah right? lol Is there more to this story ? Yes.  But I am not inclined to say.  What I can tell you is I am as forthcoming as I can possibly be.  I don't like lying.  I don't like deception.  I always worry about someone feeling foolish about believing said lie.  So I am just upfront.  It's why I hate surprises. Even if  it's a nice deceit of sorts like a birthday surprise but I can't handle it.  Weird...right??? I was upfront with my own husband about my attraction with Joe. It didn't affect our marriage.  In fact, he appreciated my candor. Authentic me means not hiding things, most especially to Jeremy.  My no no was having a discussion once on their dime.  I was willing to pay them back for that misstep but she said never mind.  "Joe" called me one of the most forthcoming and honest people he had ever met.  That meant gold.  I try to be the most positive impact on people's lives.  But me being there...suddenly I was anything but.  Not that it was anything I was doing or not.  Just me, in general.  He often complimented me on how I was with Jeremy.  And I work really hard to be a good wife for Jeremy.  Jeremy deserves that.  And it was "Joe" that helped me see that Jeremy had it in him to be that emotionally available person.  I am very grateful for that.  "Sue" unfriended me yesterday.  I didn't want to but I've had trust issues in the past regarding people around someone that has unfriended me.  So I unfriended people she was associated with. "Joe"  the last one.  I actually texted him and asked his advice.  He said I don't know.  I've since erased the text but basically he wanted to reflect on it.  And something about looking inward rather than outward was in order.  Very intellectual and philosophical person.  And just a genuinely good human being.  You know those types.  But the more I thought about it...the more I realized I couldn't do this to him.  He was her husband.  And I needed to be respectful.  So yesterday....I did one of the hardes things I had to do....was unfriend my best friend.  She long stopped being my best friend because of the way she was treating me.  I lost my best friend, Joe yesterday.  But I know I did the right thing.  They need to work on their marriage and it can't happen with me there.  I'm some kind of bad apple.  I had to get reminders that this wasn't my fault.  I still want to blame myself. Could I do things differently? Could I have changed things? And the answer is no.  Their problems were their before I got there.  They will be there after.  All I did was show them.  And her insecurities.  I am insecure too.  But I don't lash out at my female friends for it.  I often smile and clap that my husband gets female attention.  I am secure enough to know I am the best thing to ever happened to him.  Thank you , "Joe". Thank you for showing me my value and worth and giving me that confidence.  There is a protocol and respect.  I call it the girl rules.  Flirting is acceptable to me.  Just be respectful of my place as his wife.  So that tornado is over.  It was too intense.  They are too intense.  And through a mutual friend I realized she wasn't being honest.  She was only giving small details that made me look bad.  Like I chased "Joe".  No. "Sue".  I would not put my marriage in jeopardy.  "Joe" is not Jeremy.  Maybe you would.  Maybe you were projecting because you have..But no...I AM NOT YOU.
So...here I am...with a new chapter.  Boring never looked so good lol.  I was tired of her bunny trails.  She was constantly late.  She wouldn't text me. I felt disrespected but because of her painful past..well I let things go.  Well...bitch...we all got stories.....and guess what...I have a painful past.  But I don't use it as an excuse. Jeremy always did think she was a bitch.  He only tolerated her for my sake and to preserve my friendship with Joe.  Joe and Jeremy were friends.  Jeremy liked Joe.  Joe never crossed boundaries with me or disrespect Jeremy, even with the knowledge that Joe was attracted to me too.  So today....today I feel a sense of peace.  I am rid of that tornado.  And while I hurt that it means "Joe" too.  He chose this life.  And I chose my health, my mental and physical one.  Good bye, "Joe".  You used to be able to read my blog every day.  I hardly think you can now.  But if you can...I am sorry.  I am so sorry for this.  One last affirmation for you Mr. Awesome Sauce...
You are extraordinary individual.  I was flattered and honored to be bestowed the role of best friend.  Your kindness is legendary.  You have such depth and warmth.  I loved the intellectual talks.  You helped me to find my intellect again, where Javier had taken that from me.  You helped me see what an extraordinary man Jeremy was.  You helped me to go counseling and get help.  You are a blessing, though you were Athiest lol Thank you for always being respectful to Jeremy.  It showed your character and integrity.  You, sir have integrity....in volumes.  "Sue" is lucky to have you.  I hope she sees that.  I hope that my being gone helps her to see that and you two actually get in a good place in your marriage.  I only want you happy.  Because you deserve it, my dearest friend.  You are gift to the world.

Thank you...thank you readers...or whomever reads this.  The pains we go through in life are lessons that help us out.  I learned many on this journey.  I don't regret meeting "Sue and Joe".  And not all days were bad with "Sue".  I loved "Sue".  Anger doesn't resolve anything.  Anger only fuels combative behavior, and at its very worst...hate.

Sparklepuss, the pirate princess  may  have died yesterday. She died a magical fairy too.   But Jess is still here and the Queen emerges.  I am Jess, Queen...just Queen.

Bonus Blog

I felt generous about giving another blog.  I've been deciding on whether to retire as super hero Sparklepuss.  It means no pirate princess. But emerged a strong queen.  I am the royal to my domain.  And who I let in my kingdom.  I am a kind queen.  But when poked and bruised in a malicious manner I will do what any good queen will do.   I will let you destroy yourself.  You see.  I am a good queen because I take care of my kingdom.  My king is happy.  I work in my kingdom.  I put effort and pride on having my castle kept orderly.  It takes discipline.  And that discipline is derived from being strong enough when wars or attacks threaten my kingdom.  My kingdom was never in danger.  But when you attack with no real reason to, I don't wait for you realize your mistake.  I am a forgiving queen.  But even I have my limits.  I am proud of myself.  I have taken the higher road.  Am I angry? Yes.  Would I like to say choice words.  Yes.  But you can't argue with angry.  And nothing would be accomplished.  I would not be speaking to someone rational.  Honestly, I am confused about the anger and may never get a true answer.  But I realized for a while I couldn't really be honest with this person.  So was I really be authentic? And I should have seen the red flag when they threatened my health...on more than one occasion.  My problem is that I didn't address my boundaries.  I am a push over.  I have to work on that within myself.  But I am strong. And I will continue to heal inside.  The last few months were progress of healing.  I am emotionally bruised right now but I'll be okay.  I have Jeremy.  You know what my crazy husband said? Take all the time you need to mourn the loss.  My husband.  He is such a good man.  And he fiercely loves his wife.  And rather protective of her.  I thought about possessions today. And I had to let that go.  I didn't want to imagine.  That is something I am doing.  I am looking forward.  I don't play games.  And I refuse to be played with either.  I am not a play toy, as they so easily described as others.  It's easy for this person to name call.  I hadn't received the name call yet.  I always hurt when I heard them uttered for other people.  I felt guilty for keeping this secret but I just felt like it was none of my business.  I froze.  My MO.  I despise how my rape has hindered how I handle things.  When I don't know what to do....I do nothing.  And maybe that's the part of where I am a coward.  My health... My sanity means more.  I am too tired to fight.  I'd rather talk it out like a rational adult.  And when I do have emotions running I want someone who will ground me, someone with a good head on their shoulders to help me put logic to my emotions.  I am not saying I didn't make mistakes myself.  I am willing to hold myself accountable for not opening my mouth soon enough.  You want to love a person through their worst.  But sometimes you have to love yourself first.  And this is me taking care of myself first.  I pray for this person.  That the inner war that is within them finds resolve and peace.  I'm hoping that who they have next to them will help them find it.  I feel better writing this. I felt like I still had something to say.  Thank you for reading.  I wish I could stop the tears from falling.  But they will be there.

Consistent

This situation I am experiencing.  I was thinking about it last night.  I think about it around a certain time in the morning too.  Here's what I came up with.  If nothing else, I am consistent.  If I can help it, I am one of the most forthcoming people I can possibly be.  Is there a sense of lying by omission. Yes.  Unless you downright ask me a question directly, I am not going to offer information.  Although, if I am doing it, chances are it's because I'm protecting someone.  And right now, whether I should or not, I am protecting someone.  So with me not giving all the information, let me find a way around it because this is my blog...and I write about my thoughts.  Way back when I was trying to be friends with someone who is one of my best friends now, our journey didn't come easy.  We had actually been friends for years but an event in her life changed how I saw the authentic person.  That's something I like about people.  Them being their authentic self.  Here's what I don't like.  I don't like being deceived. Then again, who does.  And I don't like being a part of deceit.  That's why I do things so upfront it seems bizarre.  I mean, think about it...how do you keep up with the lies? I guess some people are better with lies and deceit then I am.  But this idea of authentic means I am going to be my consistent self.  And my consistency is I love with all of my heart and soul.  Sometimes that's "too much for someone".  Or sometimes it's something entirely out of my hands but nonetheless, I feel responsible and hold myself accountable.  Right now, my biggest struggle is being the source of dissent.  In my mind, I didn't actually do wrong.  I was upfront.  I didn't hide.  So that's part of it.  The other part is, I am done enabling someone.  I let someone step over my boundaries constantly and used kid gloves on them because I didn't feel they were at a place for me to really tell them the truth.  That they were a spoiled selfish person that bulldozed over people.  And then, I wondered if it was my place to say that.  So...I said nothing.  I encountered combative behavior when I did try to point out things.   I thought I was doing it out of love for a friendship.  Only, I realized selfishly, I was doing it out of not wanting to lose something precious.  And life doesn't work out that way.  I had always promised that if it came down to it I would understand being thrown under the bus.  I don't know if they ever got what I meant.  That I would sacrifice myself and walk away.  And while the person who wants to cut me off, did just that....I gave them the power to do that.  Because I wouldn't have.  My personality takes things like that.  I've been doing it for years.  Why was I going to stop now? Especially, if selfishly, I was still able to see the treasure.  So right now, I am relieved. I am sad. But I am relieved.  Because I realized a conversation had about choices.  Jeremy and I were talking about it this morning.  People make choices all the time.  And the choices being made here...funny enough I understand them.  And from a distance I will always support, always love, and always be here.  I don't know if I can say I respect them anymore.  But I am still working with what is selfish thoughts and what it in general feeling of sadness for someone being treated a certain way.  Again, my  husband pointed out...they chose to be treated like that.  And it's not my problem anymore.  I wondered if this could be fixed. You know just have space.  I even thought, people say things when they are mad.  But when you call me a coward and reference to me to a troll, I don't know if I can handle that.  And that wasn't the worst.  The worst is something I can't even write down.  It's not true.  It doesn't mean it wasn't hurtful and painful to read that someone I love said that. Or should I say loved.  Because I don't love them anymore after the things they said.   To me.  To the person who has been with them on this journey trying to help them find inner peace.  I have my health to worry about.  I still shook yesterday.  I haven't had a seizure but this experience has affected my health.  It's even affected my mental health because I took a step backward on my confidence.  I want to blame myself.  And in the end, I can't.  Because I did everything upfront. So authentic me right now is feeling something. Pain? Yes. But in a sense, a hardened part maybe.  I have to. Every day becomes another part of the point of no return.    Life happens.  Shit happens.  In all of this craziness there is a beautiful positive.  Jeremy.  Jeremy learned to become more emotionally available, or his version of it where I felt I could open up to him.  I've cried in front of him.  I've vented about this experience but not venting the feelings.  Venting if I can act, think, or be any different about the situation.  The answer is no. That's all I needed.  Jeremy is the best thing to ever happen to me.  And I am the best thing to ever happen to Jeremy.  This, I know now.  So, if nothing else, this painful situation helped Jeremy and I see what a rare love we have.  For this, I would do this experience all over again.