The Smashing Pumpkins - Siamese Dream - Today

Our song.

Love letter to Jeremy

I wasn't comfortable to do the spouse challenge.  But I am comfortable to write a letter to Jeremy.  Go figure

My love,

Our love story is quite interesting.  I don't think we ever imagined we would be here, together like this.  We have always had chemistry.  I am proud of the people we are and did not act on it.  We both had people we love.  It wasn't our style.  All the more reason when I became a bridesmaid.  lol That will never get old saying.  It always sounds so salacious but it's boring.  So friends we shall be, we thought.  I did my thing. You did yours.  You got married.  I got married.  I got divorced.  I was probably trying to figure out what love was supposed to look like since I had a very warped idea.  Thanks to Javier.  My relationships didn't make sense.  My past does have some lifetime moments because Brad and Woody.  Two very disturbed men that need counseling, I imagine.  But I gravitated to them, in part because I didn't see the value of myself.  I'm attractive outside.  But it's the beautiful person I am inside that makes me beautiful.  It's what makes me sparkle.  It's why you love me.  Your quiet stoic way understands the exquisite woman I am that loves with compassion.  Whether you're my client, my friend, or my love...I give you my all.  I give you my sparkle.  You get to see the good, bad, and the Jess.  You love me despite myself....and because of myself.  I want to make a positive impact on the world.  Yes.  But with you, I just want to be there in the space with you.  Sometimes in quietness.  I couldn't imagine not talking to you.  And there are times when we are in sheer quiet for hours.  Sometimes just snuggling or holding.  Sometimes other things lol.  Sometimes doing our own things, but doing it together.  or our adventures.  Sometimes with friends.  Sometimes with just us two.  I love our friendship.  You excite me.  Physically, emotionally, and intellectually.  You also infuriate, frustrate and hurt me.  But we work through it because our love is fierce and intense...and quiet and safe....all at the same time.  I never could quite get this duel.  And now...now I understand.  Every day, we choose each other.  Every day we choose to come back to each other.  Every day we make each other a priority.  Every day we work on our marriage and try making it stronger.  I love you, Jeremy.  It scares me to be this vulnerable.  But with you, I feel safe.  So while it scares me to be this vulnerable....I'm glad you are on the receiving end.  And I'm honored I get to be the one you turn to.  Call it soulmate...I just know...I was made for you.  And you were made for me.  We complement each other.  The idea of us makes others happy and look towards as a reference.  I guess it's why I am honest and authentic as much about our unhappiness just as much as the happy.  Will I divulge every detail? No.  It's nobody's business.  But I won't hide when things aren't Zen.  We grumbled with each other last night.  Like a normal couple.  I gave you space.  You showed remorse by you thanking me for getting dinner and putting dishes away.  We held each other while watching Leverage.  And of course, Thursday night.  And then, we were okay.  I am the best thing to ever happen to you.  You've said that.  You certainly know you are the best thing to ever happen to me.
So as you work.  A job I am very proud of you having....I get ready to go to my job.  A job I am proud of having and you are proud of me having...We'll come home.  I'll make dinner.  And enjoy the Friday.  I love you, Jeremy.  I have strange quirks about plastering it on Facebook with a challenge.  And yet, in the quiet spaces...I have followers or readers...who will know....just how much we love, respect, and admire each other.

My thoughts

I have a thought.  I tell you.  Internally, I know I have insight.  But I also can't imagine why anyone would want to read or hear what I have to say.  Until I hear or read feedback from people who love me.  And support me.  I have better self-esteem.  Certainly, this year on Aught 1...I will have a different perspective of things.  Every year, around this time, there is a sense of anxiety.  I don't remember all aspects of the rape.  Over the years, I blocked it.  Probably for my own sanity.  However, more recently, I have remembered.  October 1 last year, all of it came back like a movie.  I'm glad I was home.  I'm glad I had support.  I'm glad my friend came that day to be with me.  She was a big help.  I have support.  It's different help.  And it reminds me to appreciate that I am not alone on that day. In some ways, I am grateful that it wasn't the physical trauma I see on television dramas or even more realistically, news and documentaries.  On the other hand, it's always what did a number on me.  I wasn't even sure I was raped.  How does someone question like that. you ask??? Simple. Many victims and survivors second guess their thoughts and actions.  They don't have confidence in their own thoughts.  For me, I let Javier's voice dictate my worth and value.  I figured since he knew me well for so many years, there must be some truth to it.  And Jeremy didn't know that not hearing the words of affirmation was something I desperately needed.  The thing is...It took me a long time...and still today...is taking me some time to reprogram myself.  I thought about it as I was talking to one of my bffs.  The after effects of what it did...with all my healing...still has stayed.  I just have a better way of reacting to it.  I don't know that I am making an difference in the world.  And then...I do.  My world doesn't have to be vast and large.  I affect those whom I come in contact with.  I make you laugh or smile.  I sometimes make you think.  I process and see the world different and tell you my thoughts and leave you with those thoughts.  I can't tell you I'm wrong.  or right.  They are simply that.  My thoughts.  When I started this blog I did it to prove to myself I could be consistent with a blog.  Now...I do it simply to share my thoughts...however crazy they are.  I have readers from different parts of the world that read it.  Thank you for taking the time to read this.  You don't know this American.  And yet, read my blog long enough...you will feel like you do.  August 1 is going to be an interesting day.  And I'm ready for the internal battle inside.  Calming insight of Ourselves by Dean Evenson is on.

Halsey - Gasoline feat. Gigi Hadid (Music Video)

Amazing artist

The secret is...that it's different for everyone

Self help and other sources always harp on the secret of marriage is...and I don't argue that there isn't a secret to a happy marriage.  My only argument is that my secret to a happy marriage is going to look different to the secret of your happy marriage, or relationship.  And that's not wrong.  There are wants and needs that Jeremy and I want.  There are compromises we make regarding our marriage.  Even in playfulness we do jab at each other.  I told him he was a glutton for punishment.  He said.  I married to you.  Funny enough.  I didn't get hurt.  I rather agreed with him.  But not in a bad way.  And you know what? The man is acquired taste himself.  There is a finesse to handling Jeremy.  What baby wants, baby gets.  But he has veto power.  However, with all that said....I wouldn't want to do this with anyone else.  There is one other person in my life I imagined being married to.  But life had other plans.  And we both knew that it wasn't meant for us to be together.  And I am so grateful that we both knew that.  That was 23 years ago.  And when we talk, it's not us then.  It's us now.  I'm grateful his wife understands our friendship.  I'm grateful my husband understands the friendship.  And I made him promise me not to be my best friend...again lol
Jeremy explains to me whenever I worry my friendships might threaten him in any way...that I have always shown him he is the priority.  And he is.  There isn't one friendship I wouldn't give up for this man.  And the mere fact I have given this gesture is significant to Jeremy, in my opinion.  I wish his friendship worked like that but people are different and luckily there is distance.  It's hard to explain without getting to much into it.  However, I work on balance.  And last time I checked he has earned more than enough leeway with me.  That's what I mean by secret is different.  I'm happy in my marriage.  It's a cooky one.  But I love being married to Jeremy.  And while it took some time to get married (He was skittish from being married again).\, the man was worth it.  At the end of the day, we're married to our best friend.  On some things I need Jeremy to give me words.  Others, I just know.  The first person I want to share my bad news or my good news is him.  He's my closest confidante.  I have learned my lesson though.  And I have a friend to thank, in a round about way.  Don't put stock in anyone's opinion, higher than your own.  Your voice is the most important one.  So by the lesson I learned with that friend, I learned to appreciate the feedback and opinions from Jeremy.  But that is opinion wasn't THE opinion.  My thoughts are important.  What I have to say is important.  It might not make sense to people but I think on a different plane sometimes.  I process life differently.  Why wouldn't I marriage differently? And I found someone that loves me enough to understand that.  And by that respect, he found one that loves him deeply and wants balance.  I'm sorry if I sometimes have a lovefest about Jeremy.  And then, I'm not.  I don't want to hide being happy with my marriage.  I'm not trying to shove it someone's face.  Especially if they are unhappy in their marriage or relationship.  Don't be jealous.  Figure the secret for you.  Figure what works for you.  And don't worry about what others think.  People will always have their two cents.  I'm not innocent of that either.  I've put in my two cents in others and their relationships.  And in was none of my business.  So I try to be more mindful of insight.  Now...if you are asking for insight...then I feel my two cents is invited.  But even then...you don't have to take it.  It's merely me giving insight on experiences I have had in my life that suggest certain outcomes.  So the secret to a happy relationship or marriage is...that it's different for everyone.  Yes, communication.  Yes, understanding.  But it's going to look different for every couple.  Different.  Clarification.  Balance.  Different.  I love these words lol

No matter how you look at it

No matter how you look at it.  Whether you're happy or upset about it, history was made yesterday.  And I can say that I was watching some of it.  My client had left it on the convention.  And there I was, watching a historical moment.  I was thinking more of the moment as it was, rather than who was in it.  Comfort by Hennie Bekker is on.  Jeremy and I are off today.  When turning 40, Jeremy promised to make doctor and dental appointments for healthy checks.  And so, I am going with him too.  I'm not quite 40 but it's a promise to myself to be healthy as well.  After that, I'm treating my husband to lunch.  I love that I can do that.  Time to get the day going.  I hope you have a most spectacular day.  

My new norm

Working is my new norm.  I had an 8 hour day today.  I'm exhausted.  I am so happy.  Nonetheless, I am exhausted.  I am off tomorrow so I will rest this exhaustion off.  I love my job.  It's not about the money. Though, it feels good to be able to contribute financially.  It's my sense of independence again.  It's a part of me that I have been missing on feeling complete with my life.  Dream Ten from Liquid Mind is on.  It's a service I provide.  But it's more than that.  It's an experience.  It's an opportunity for someone that I shouldn't be connecting to and them giving me trust in an instant, to have that experience.  They trust me.  With whom they are.  Their vulnerability is there and trust me.  That is precious.  And I am honored they let me in in order to help them.  I do everything with love and compassion.  Simply because that is me.  So this is only an extension of me.  That beautiful Unicorn comes out in my job.  I smile because I see it.  And get beautiful feedback that it is so.  That is worth it's weight in white gold.  I don't have much braining right now.  I hope you love your job.  I hope you have a passion for it.  If not, I hope you have a passion for something or someone.  

Perhaps a stumble

I feel I am stumbling back from my progress.  I imagine that survivors do go through this.  I've read articles that really, the psychological damage never really goes away.  I can see that.  Most certainly, I can feel that.  It started this weekend, Saturday.  I hadn't gotten a panic attack or experiences anxiety for a while.  And there it was.  My thoughts were consumed by an imagined thought.  I knew it.  But there it was consuming my thoughts.  I rationalized and fought.  But in the end, I feel as though my inner demons won this time.  Because the last couple of days I haven't really slept well.  Why all of a sudden this overwhelming feeling? I can take a wild guess it's because next Monday is Aug 1.  And I tend to get like this during that time.  Last year my friends propelled me into that day with a Survive and thrive party.  It was a great way to take on the day.  Each year I find a way to experience the day by going out of my comfort zone or facing a fear.  This year is no different.  Which will be nice with having my family around.  I know almost every parent brags on their kid.  But I just want to say...I love my lovies.  I am honored and lucky to be their mom.  Step mom shmep mom.  Miss you by Trentmoller is on.  Btw, I had a funny I wanted to share with you.  If you end up with a bad day today...do this.  Imagine a picture of pac man, eating the pellets.  Now, stick your finger in your ear and scratch it.  I couldn't stop laughing.  Don't judge me.  lol I need a distraction.  Perhaps a stumble or two isn't so bad.  I am whole.  That doesn't necessarily mean I am all healed.  I transformed into this confident person, granted.  I love Queen Sparkles.  She's been a transition of sorts.  And I can appreciate her journey.  I can appreciate the transformation she took to be exactly where she is.  I think of it as an alternate persona rather than aspects of me now.  That is an interesting difference.  But that took a journey too.  I can't regret me stumbling, perhaps even falling.  I just need to get up again.  And if I fall, it's okay.  Because I have support right there helping.  Even with Jeremy and I not always seeing eye to eye on things.  We actually have been on the same page except for one area.  It frustrates me but in the end, the good outweighs the bad.  And at the end of the day, I feel appreciated by him.  Life is a series of imbalances sometimes.  That's hard for someone like me who strives to make her life so balanced.  But under the right setting, even the imbalance will feel, balanced. I feel appreciated by him of the person I am.  And the person I am for him.  There should be another word for family.  Jeremy is that.  But we feel something, an understanding, a silent appreciation for being there for each other.  I wish I knew how to explain it.  I felt this 3 other times.  So I know the familiar feeling to it.  But it's always different.  It's like Jeremy takes all the 3 points and he puts them together.  I don't even know if I make sense.  Just know this week, I may be a little odd with my entries.

It's almost too easy

Nowadays, it's almost too easy to rant or negatively comment.
But in the end, it's not worth it.
You go down a level.  You stoop to a level that is...well..not adult.
And let's face it.  We're all trying to adult as best as we can.
So...me right now...adulting instead of ranting.  It was nice to just vent out without saying anything really.
There are more important and scary things out in the world right now.  This first world problem is frivolous in the grand scheme of things.  But it does create an importance because I believe in certain codes and structure.  And sometimes people in the world just sh*t on it.  And you know what? It's okay.  It says more about them than about you.  Take a breather.  Close your eyes...and apparently, envision them as a firetruck.  Long story.  it was something that one of my work peeps suggested.  I like it lol

Reaching out and not

Yesterday, a friend had to start calling around pet cremation places.  That is not an easy task to do while heartbroken.  I actually would've tried to go pick her up but l was feeling rather sleepy after work.  It was a wonderful assignment but still exerting. I gave her information on one pet hospital. at least.  When Brody passed, we took him to one nearby us.  Sometimes, I want to give so much to others when they are heartbroken or in pain.  But I also have to recharge or conserve my energy.  I couldn't even fax somethings to my work because it meant driving.  I didn't feel sick.  But I felt it would not be a good idea to be behind the wheel.  I might try this morning to see if my email was enough.  My work is amazing.  They're so supportive.  I've been out of the workforce for 6 years.  I wasn't sure what to expect.  Plus, last 20 years I have been doing Customer Service. 2 years. the legal field.    While the work I do has an element of Customer Service, it is still different.  However, active listening is always important.  And that is something I felt.  I felt validated and supported. Swimming in a Lovely Sea of You from Michael Whalen is on.  Yah, Friday.  I'm looking forward to this weekend.  Sometimes, you have to be selfish.  And is it, really? You're trying conserve your energy so you don't run on empty.  So that you are not wearing yourself thin.  So...maybe it's self worth for well being.  If you're going to help others, you have to have the energy for it.  Otherwise, you'll be running out of fuel and running on empty.  It's not a pretty sight for anyone.  Sometimes, I just take a little breather.  I close my eyes and just think of a serene place...usually a lake and just be there.  5 seconds.  And whenever I can, I have Pandora on. New Age Ambient Radio is a great station.

The Ocean - Mike Perry ft. Shy Martin - Lyrics Girl

Something about this song

Where did this fall?

Where did this fall? How did we get to a point that sometimes, we don't give mindfulness to others.  No.  I am not of the school of thought to ask forgiveness rather than permission.  I got that BS told me to me recently.    Maybe because of things that happened to me, I don't like when people cross the line with me.  Or I feel a sense of boundary violation of sorts.  I bring it up.  I say something.  And maybe, just maybe, it's all in my head...as I've been told in my life.  And maybe not.  I love intelligence.  But long before that, I love kindness.  I melt when I see someone helping others.  There is an honor code that I live by.  I wish it was eloquent.  But really, it's don't be an asshole.  Man or woman.  You were taught manners.  Use them.  I sometimes interrupt people when they speak.  I don't mean to.  I just know my crazy little brain might forget what I am saying or thinking.  My biggest concern is whether I infringe or burden them.  It's a thoughtfulness thing but it's also because of past experiences.  Triggers that I might not even quite know exist within me.  But suddenly, I get defensive.  I'm not anyone, really.  I blog about my thoughts.  That's all.  But today, it's something to think about.  We can change the world, one mindful thought and gesture at a time.  Forgiveness is important.  That's not what I am saying.  What I am saying is being mindful and asking how the person feels about your action.  Maybe even asking...might just make their day.  It's not the way the world works.  But maybe, maybe just maybe...it should.

Reputation

Reputation is everything.  I am glad that in the short span of time working where I do, I have garnered a good reputation.  I felt I needed it to change something.  I was worried approaching the situation asking for a change.  But I went it and addressed my professional needs and wants.  I felt they still followed under policy rules.  And the request was approved.  It felt like a small victory instead.  Reputation is build.  You get warned or positive feedback about people and how the interact.  It makes a difference.  I am glad that most of my interactions have been positive.  I am proud that it reflects, or at least I hope reflects the person I am.  I was crying this morning from the experience.  But I took a deep breathe and addressed the issue.  And I'm glad I did.

Ghost

Is there a Ghost that travels to a place where words stand still?
Can time freeze before the storm passes through?
The mere mortals were still sleeping before we smiled greatly on them
There was a power in what we did.
There was good
And now...What now?
We pass
like ghosts
We pass like nothing
There is no existence
and yet, I smile
Because time froze.  Somewhere in the webs of parts never far from my mind
Traveling here much seems fruitless
But in between the passing
There is a ghost I choose to see
And in that choice,
makes me stronger to walk

Like a hug?

Why is it we focus on that little negative instead of the massive positive.  I can't imagine it's only me.  So far, the new assignment isn't all that and a bag of chips.  But such is life.  When is our job always sparkly and wonderful.  For some, never.  So I am grateful I get to do what I love.  Life has a different groove.  I work, I housewifey, I pokemon, I do badass things.  I have the confidence now to see how amazing I am.  It's been hard seeing it in the eyes of people that care about me.  But I finally see what they see.  However, I still want to maintain modesty.  So, I never want to get to big for my britches on it.  And life brings you lessons through people.  I have people that come in and out of my life.  I have people that I tolerate in my life.  Sometimes, maybe they remind me of aspects I don't want to be.  Like a reference.  I am proud that I strive really hard to bring positive around me wherever I go.  I love the fact it reflects at work.  So, when I have a gerumble moment, eh...such is life.  I have too many positives in my life now to harp on the negatives.  Jeremy and I are at a different level in our marriage.  Sometimes you have to step back to step forward.  We struggled.  But we finally found ourselves on the same plane, somehow.  And in some ways, I have to thank a couple of friends for the perspective glasses on just how to react to things.  I wasn't wrong or right back then.  And I'm not wrong or right on either angle.  But it helped me look at life differently.  I appreciate the lesson.  I feel good that my person is Jeremy.  I don't know how to describe him sometimes.  I mean, yes...he's a husband, and yes, a best friend.  But he's a family that I can't quite put into words.  Ever get that feeling with certain people? They're beyond something that we have words for? But that familiarity and connection is natural and like a hug? Do I make any sense? Just thoughts running around in my head.  You know me.

A thousand words

Behind is the table we hung out at

Hello, fellow player

My bff is insane.  I love her.  

I love this picture of us

The servers were down.  But hey, we met this guy!!!

Yes, those are pokemon necklaces on us.  

Our table was round

Too funny

The original game room.  The place were we met, 1/20/95

I stared at the pillar many times

Yummy

:)

Memories

I love memories.  Even the good memories that turn sour with those I am no longer friends with or good terms.  But back to loving memories.  I love making memories with people I care about.  The adventure is always different, depending on whom I am with.  In this case, Jeremy and I did alot of venturing out this weekend.  Yesterday we walked over 14,000 steps.  But I also go to get something off of my unbucket list.  The Sunken Gardens is an interesting memory for us.  It's actually where Jeremy got married the first time.  I was a bridesmaid.  Yes. I know. Such scandal.  In any case, we had gone there when we were dating.  But we hadn't gone back as a married couple.  And yesterday, we were there on a pokemon adventure with one of my best friends.  We also made our way back to UTSA, where we met.  So much has changed.  It was a nostalgic adventure.  The servers were down for Pokemon.  So, instead we explored and walked around.  I can't believe it's been 21 years for our friendship.  It's crazy how life takes you on a path.  It's crazy how life happens, really.  I also start my new schedule this week.  I work 20 hours now.  I work every day, with Friday being my long day.  I also bought Jeremy's birthday gift way early.  I am taking us to Comic Con in October.  It's something I've been wanting to do.  And we're even going to cosplay!!!  So enjoy the pictures. Oh, my crazy bff got me some gifts.  She's adorably wonderful.  Hot Topic is an awesome place to go.  Alright.  Gotta go.  Have a beautiful day at work, quiet spaces.  So much insanity going on in the world.  I hope you smile today.  I hope you have a productive day.  I hope you make a positive impact.

Let's do this

Let's do this.  Metaphorical fist bump

Alessia Cara - Wild Things

Have an inspiring day, my quiet spaces

Alessia Cara - Scars To Your Beautiful

Love love love

It so happens

Breathe by Greg Maroney is on. I was in a mood last night.  I think it was from hearing a draining story from a friend.  She needed to vent it out but the timing might not have been good for me.  Jeremy noticed right away.  And then I said, I'm not in the mood to cook dinner.  And he said...Let's go eat.  So we went to the restaurant that our friend works at but she's on maternity right now.  And I got a new salad.  So yummy.  We even had a laugh because there was a pokemon right in my salad.  I try not to overdo it with the pictures but it was too funny.  Some weedle with your salad, miss?.  I hadn't felt up to any adventures and then, after dinner I was rejuvenated.  Also, he had gotten a double charger for his car so that we both charge our phones.  I had been wanting that in his card.  What a heart melt that Jeremy was paying attention to things.  I didn't even know exactly what was bothering me.  Some was inactive or something to do with a friend.  I don't like chasing people and sometimes I feel like I chase her.  But my guess is she needs the friendship more than I do.  I don't pity her, thank goodness.  But I also don't give as much either.  In any case, we found some new spots.  By the end of the night, I felt so much better.  I appreciated Jeremy making so much effort to help me out of my funk.  It was Thursday so of course...more happiness! It so happened that the day ended well instead of the other way around. Which was good.  Today, I start my long day.  8 hours. Alright...start to get this party started! I am excited an nervous

The weather

Maybe it's the weather.  I'm in a mood.  But I must adult.  Pick my battles.  Pick my battles in life that will affect me or not.  That's my thing.  Stop letting things that don't matter get to me.  So...Whoosh.  I'm in a mood.  But by blogging into out into the void, it helps.  Because I'm usually so happy.  I'm human.  I'm allowed not to feel like the sparkling Unicorn ALL THE TIME.  Bleh bleh bleh bleh. (Transylvania 1 and 2)

Clean Bandit - Tears ft. Louisa Johnson [Official Video]

This is a really cool video!!!! Minus the strobe light thingy

Something as small

Something as small as to be mindful might actually remove some tension between people.  I'm not saying all problems would be solved.  But I notice when certain people are mindful, close or strangers, I acknowledge that.  It should seem like second nature, but we are a very selfish society now.  And to be mindful is rare.  I do my best to be mindful.  My biggest thought is am I infringing in some way? For example, I appreciate when friends or Jeremy drive instead of me.  Certainly, with my job, I am traveling more.  I take into account my body reaction to this new activity and being more active.  And I am seem to be doing okay.  It seems resting my body or taking naps is the key.  Power naps or Power rest actually helps.  I felt more tired an hour ago.  I fell asleep. And bam.  And Jeremy and my friends easily take on the job of taxi.  So, I try to compensate somewhere.  It's a me thing.  But it's become so much my reputation, in a good way, that when I truly need something and may not be able to compensate, they give me looks like ...please.  Even Jeremy.  In his case, I am able to do that in other ways.  But mindful.  That's the point.  It's just a thought.  I hold the door for a man or woman for that reason.  It's just to be mindful.  And hopefully it's a strange and subtle pay it forward.  But kindness has to start somewhere.  So I am starting it with me, one little gesture at a time.

On another note, last night was one of the best dates I had with Jeremy.  I had made Balsalmic Tortellini and that makes leftovers,  So we saw Criminal Minds.  We are alternating Game of Thrones with Criminal Minds.  I'm trying to get him on Leverage.  Damn you, AP lol Then, we played Diablo.  I am trying to find 2 player or multiplayer games.  And Diablo is one of my favorite games.  So there I was, kicking a$$ with my love.  Lastly, we went pokemon hunting.  We were laughing and joking.  I feel closer.  Even closer now.  I understand things better.  I understand him better.  He understands me better.  And I'm realizing a little spatting with this dork doesn't take away from our relationship.  My insecurities used to worry, maybe even panic when we were unzen.  We're human.  We are going to not see eye to eye from time to time.  That's normal.  In fact, it's healthy.  And when we hurt each other, we pause so we aren't.  We are not immune to any hardships either.  His communication approach and my insecurities were enemies of ours.  I told him the other day.  I feel like we have evolved as a couple.  And that feels good.  I went from thinking we could never divorce...to facing that possible factor.  And strange part, it might have been me to ask for it.  But once both of us reflected, and talked...we want each other.  We had one 11th hour before we got married.  Guess we needed an 11th hour when we were married.  Now, it's a reference.  Now it's ruler of sorts.  Let's not get there again.

What does all this mean? Not sure.  I never know if my blog entries mean anything than my own thoughts floating out into the void.  What I do know is I recognize my being mindful makes a difference.  Maybe yours will too.  Something as small as being mindful...could be everything.  You were Always There by Denise Young is on

Amazing what you can do

It's amazing what you can do and how you can feel with the right kind of support system.  I call it first world problems when there is a friend or two that I don't have as natural flow of a friendship.  But the good part of about that is the amount of energy I put into those friendships.  Is there a tally with me? Maybe? I have to see the benefits that both of us get from our friendship.  And If I don't I put distance between us.  You may not even notice.  But I do.  Because I have learned what kind of friendship I want.  I can't force a bond if one has to be worked on so much.  Granted, a friendship and relationship requires work.  But within our dynamic, I can't force things.  So if you enter my realm here and there, it does mean I care.  But if does mean I see you as more of drain or stress for me.  How do I know this now? Because of three beautiful women.  Dear One, SADF, and Loveliness all show me the ease of our friendship.  We have serious moments.  We have silly moments.  Now, in that support system, I do have a group of women that while not best friends, have been there for me as well.  Red, Pixie, and CC.  and MC, whom has adopted me, which I happily accept as being her "kiddo".  I have grown and healed because of these women.  I have had other friendships but they weren't strong enough to survive.  And that's okay.  And then there are my support system of guy friends.  Enough to be close to not enough to ever hit that best friend status.  Probably because a couple of them already have in the past lol.  JMB, JS, AP are so helpful to keep me on track of healing as well.  And then, him.  My crazy love.  Jeremy is my partner in crime.  I appreciate our love more and more.  The bad parts and the good parts.  It's amazing what you can do with the right kind of love too.  Our relationship has struggles.  But we have evolved as a couple.  And I see that.  He wasn't as expressive a few years ago.  I was more insecure and wouldn't speak up.  Now, I'd rather just put it out there, good or bad, rather than it stay inside me.  I have evolved as a person because of these people.  I grew with those who left but I never was able to evolve because they no longer were there, if that makes sense.  But these people stuck around. The Descent by Michele McLaughlin is on.  One friendship is almost 25 years old.  Jeremy's and my friendship is 21.  But some have only been 3 years old.  And that's okay too.  More time, more friendship growing.  I hope you have people that you can count on.  It's a beautiful protective blanket.  It makes me feel stronger.

Fun stuff

Leveling up

For the Asking by John Bur is on.  I really like this melody.  I feel like some parts of me that have been behind have been leveling up.  Parts of me that you would think should have already grown up, just now seem to be..well...leveling up.  Becoming a gamer chick on my own terms has been an interesting adventure.  I have gamer tutors besides Jeremy.  And it's been helpful to learn different aspects of games.  For instance, Pokemon go.  It is an adventure.  Saturday Jeremy and looked for different poke stops.  And Sunday, we went on a walk with DA and "L".  She had been wanting to go for a walk for a while.  Mission accomplished.  I did more than 10,000 steps.  I either get to my goal of 6,000 more or get very close to it.  And my job helps me to stay active too. My confidence, so to speak has leveled up.  Jeremy and I have moments where we aren't fighting but certainly don't see eye to eye.  And rather than pipe down, I find a way to express my feelings in the most logical way.  I convey and express I am having an emotion but I calmly give that information.  That's new for me.  So when Jeremy and I do have some weird version of a fight, he and I actually apologize to each other quickly.  Sometimes apologizing for our behavior.  Or just for the other feeling hurt.  We don't have the answers.  No one couple has the secret to a happy marriage.  It's different.  But we do continue to finesse the art of marriaging.  And I like our interaction.  I like our inside joke.  Partners in crime.  I don't know if you can have more than one partner in crime.  I just know that Jeremy is that one person.  He's my person.  I'm his.  And that is important for me, in my evolution to a more healed self esteem.  I'm a badass.  No stuttering or or *.  I have come up from a storm.  I have survived Javier.  I have survived Woody.  I have survived Brad. I have survived a gun to my head, a rape, physical harm, emotional and psychological torture.  And I am a fucking Unicorn.  Every once in a while, show that aggression.  I don't mean in an angry way.  I mean, find a way to out let or release that inner turmoil.  When you come out from the storm...You will feel like a warrior, a badass.  And you won't even imagine revenge or whatever.  You won't even want to bother with the idiot or assholes or bitches that made you feel this way, whether physical, emotional, sexual, or any.  It's just a thought.  You can try your way.  It might make you feel better.  I'm just telling you from experience.  The day I stopped giving that pain power, and essentially that person power over me...I felt free.  Slowly...it's not overnight.  But I felt free.  And as I continue to heal, I feel free.  Look at me, all leveling up.

Lawson - Learn To Love Again

He tries too hard.  I am on the fence about this band.  But thought I would share.

Katy Perry - Wide Awake

My favorite one. Even with the flashy lights.  This song has a little hidden meaning for me

Katy Perry - Birthday

Don't judge lol I was bobbing my head to side to side

Katy Perry - International Smile (Lyric Video)

Catchy.  I suppose if I had a song about sparkle and shine, this might be it

Having my system

I like structure.  I recognize structure will not always be there as Life happens.  But whenever I can have it, I do like structure.  Which is why I am enjoying my system, per se.  The Dance by Janie Becker is on.  And that system in place is my housewifey mode and work mode.  I work today.  But I needed to get housewife mode on first. I am getting in the habit of having breakfast again.  Probably because I am getting up a little early sometimes.  I nap whenever I can.  I love power naps.  I used to listen to a friend rave about their naps.  Granted, they had what seemed like a grueling job.  But I don't think I quite saw the dazzle of a nap, until I find myself just getting in power naps to make sure I have my body keep up.  I am also working out more.  Swimming and walking.  I got a new game too that will help with the walking.  Don't judge.  But Jeremy and another friend convinced me to try Pokemon Go.  And I like it. lol Even my fun has a system per se.  I got a couple more games for Jeremy and I to play on the Xbox 360.  And my silly friend AP got me hooked on Leverage.  What is interesting is the actor Christian Kane also plays Jacob Stone on Librarians.  What is more interesting is I have a crush on both fictional actors now.  What's even more interesting is I have a friend that is actually friends with him.  Craziness!!! So, a system.  I love our Chromecast.  And now that I have Netflix on my phone, if I have some time to wait somewhere, I am netflixing.  Or reading.  I hope I lax up a bit on my need to so much structure.  But it's in my nature.  Years of not having my life in control with do that.  Luckily, I have such an amazing support system.  I even think immersing myself (because I liked it on my own terms) in Jeremy's world actually helped our relationship.  I sometimes felt like an outsider with his world.  I'm a newbie in some ways.  But I am part of that world.  I truly am a dork.  And I love it.  I take each day as a gift.  Whether God, or the Universe....depends on the day....One is male form to me...the other is female.  I thank God or the Universe for another day to share my sparkle and shine.  I am Queen Sparkles.  It's kinda my new handle for things too, if I can help it.  Squirly or Queen Sparkles.  So if you see that name without spaces in Pokemon Go, that's me.  Have a beautiful Friday.  I hope you feel meaning today.  I hope you feel many things today.  I hope you smile.  I hope you make someone smile.  Oh wait...You at least made one so far. Me.  Now shoo...and be awesome, my quiet spaces.  Be the awesome saucyness I know you can be.  Because whether you know it or not, you are gift to me.  

Sia - Alive

Interesting song for today's theme

Putting a face

We have a story to share.  Thank you for Nathan Ryan for sharing yours.  

The power of sharing

Indeed.  The power of sharing played an important part to this day.  Last night I saw such an inspiring video from a survivor.  I felt so inspired, I ended up writing a private message to the person.  This morning, I got a reply.  Nathan Ryan, you are my new hero.  I even got his permission to put his real name.  I felt so inspired today that I did something very unusual.  I wore a skirt.  I wore short sleeve.  I put on my dog tags, which I am still on the fence about civilians wearing dog tags.  But I put on my dog tag, feeling like a warrior.  And I made someone's day simply but telling them they inspired me.  The power of sharing your story is so crucial.  Because it helps others who have experienced it and too afraid to share the story see that someone else has experienced that kind of pain.  I haven't posted a video.  But I have looked my rapist in the eye.  So hey...that's something.  And So It is by Nick Farr is on.  I hope you share your story.  I hope you share your story because someone will feel better that they don't fee alone.  Honestly, that's why I started my blog.  Because whatever my thoughts, feelings, or experiences...someone was bound to have gone through it.  And if my words help in any shape or fashion....then it will have been all worth it.  So...today...share your story.  Because thanks to my new friend Nathan, I walked out the door today...just a little braver.  How my day has gone so far

My friend Christmas shared this a year ago.  Still love it.  It was on my memory thing

Me today.  I am wearing a brown skirt

My best friend SADF posted this on my timeline.  I kind of have a bad taste with tribe because of an ex friend so I see squad but still love it

I love it lol

I certainly do!!

Just Like Fire (From the Original Motion Picture "Alice Through The Look...

Love this song

Avril Lavigne - Sippin' On Sunshine (Music Video)

It's crazy coming from her. I love this song.  Don't judge me lol

To my first readers

You might be different people.  But I still want to say thank you, my quiet spaces.  For being my first readers.  I admit...I get curious if I get any readers quickly.  And boom.  There you were.  Thank you for being a big part of my healing.  Thank you for reading me.  Thank you for...well...giving a damn.  I intrigue you, perhaps.  Whatever it is that gets you to read me...Thank you.  I don't know you.  But I love you.  I love that you read my thoughts.  And however they meant to you....they mean something to you.  And that, for me, is meaninful

Insecurities

We all have them.  They look different.  And we react differently to our insecurities.  I was reminded of that when I read a post from a Facebook friend.  Funny enough, she and I have never met.  But we feel like we know each other.  She is married to one of my college friends.  Her husband and I have a history.  Not a romantic one, per se.  But sometimes I think while we were waiting for our right ones, we sailed together.  It's the only way I know how to explain it.  He's a good guy.  There is a story there too.  But right now it's about his wife.  She just got accepted to a very prestigious school.  And she was talking about starting over again, in some ways.  She is a no nonsense kind of woman.  She is outspoken.  I couldn't imagine her having the insecurities she was sharing.  I couldn't believe she was sharing it.  I actually let out a tear because she was describing things I have felt.  And then, it occurred to me, that really, my insecurities are not uncommon.  When you have too many negative comments running at you, it weighs down you.  Nowadays, I have positive comments. Not to say those closest to me don't point out flaws they see.  But in doing so, they are doing it in a way that I don't feel badgered.  Even Jeremy.  He really is trying hard to be the kind of husband I needed.  And I take every opportunity to thank him for doing that.  Like any couple we don't agree.  I honestly thought he put himself in a weird situation yesterday but I let him be.  I said my peace but I let him be.  And in return he said he wasn't planning to do that again.  That was much appreciated.  You have two entities working side by side for a common goal.  It isn't easy.  Especially when you have people who seem like opposite.  And sometimes, I do see how Jeremy and I think so differently on things.  But he lets me be on how I handle things, and since I believe in balance, I must do the same.  We are having our hot lunch date.  Then, two friend dates in one day.  One, with SADF and then with Raven.  Tomorrow I have it with "A".  We have managed to find a way to keep our friendship going without severing it completely.  Just you and me from Michele McLaughlin is on.  And then, work tomorrow.  I might just turn in my care sheets then.  That is something to keep up with for work.  Care sheets.   They actually make sense.  It's like a task sheet for what you do with the client.  I don't have to deal with time sheets unless I am late.  I just call in and clock in.  Work....just saying the word makes me smile.  Work...Work. Work.  Okay. I am done.  If you feel that insecurity come on...just know that it is okay.  I can tell you plenty of times how my insecurities sneak up on me.  And it's irritating.  Because I have to fight the positive words with the negative thoughts I tell myself.  It's like being a prisoner of my own thoughts.  But I have wonderful people that keep me afloat.  And then, I remember.  Then, I remember how amazing I am.  How much of a baddass I am.  And hottie to boot.  Okay okay.  Some of you won't think that.  I can accept that.  I'm not everyone's type.  But I still get looks.  I still get hit on.  Heh Heh. I still got it

Elin Lanto - Speak N Spell

Just because lol

While I was doing

While I was doing my housewifey thing this morning, I just smiled.  Sometimes you have to go down to go up.  Within the last 6 to 8 months, my emotions have taken quite a roller coaster.  From healing to hurt to confusion to anger.  To difference people.  About different things.  Including Jeremy.  Including myself.  I smiled because I understood something that I guess you have to go through to really understand.  Through thick or thin.  You hear it all the time through vows.  But somehow, the words have resonated more and I understand them.  Maybe it's because I will be turning 40 in 6 months.  Maybe it's because I have learned lessons from people still in my life and people who have left.  Either way, today, I smiled.  Angel of Hope from Omar Akram is on.  I needed a change from Angel Eyes Radio.  I've been putting it on Celtic Dream Radio.  We also got the Xbox going so I am looking for multi player games so I can play with Jeremy and the kids when they are here.  I joke around that my new boyfriend is Chromecast.  I love it.  I have Netflix on all my devices.  And Hulu, thanks to AP.  I started a list of shows to watch.  And Anime since I have a new appreciation for it.  I had a great conversation with Jeremy on our way home from friends on Sunday.  I didn't like anime and more dork oriented things because I didn't feel intelligent enough to appreciate it.  That may sound silly.  But when you have built inner chains around yourself, it makes perfect sense.  You hear something long enough, from someone you trust and love...and you start believing what they are saying.  I explained to Jeremy, like it or not, his opinion meant a lot to me.  And that is why I desperately needed to hear those things from him.  And when I suddenly didn't need them, they came.  He says them freely now.  Badass or Rockstar come out of his mouth so it may seem crude to someone else.  But it's poetry to me.  Because when I look at it, I really have become a baddass.  Let's be honest.  Half of the things I have wrote about, somewhere along the way...I was headed for dead.  From my own hands, or someone else's perhaps.  It sounds morbid, really...when I say it aloud.  But I couldn't do that.  Not to people I loved.  So I held on for better in my life, figuring at some point it would come.  It took years.  But sometimes, I think this is Universe telling my karma came back to me.  I was good in my life.  I refused to put negativity in my life.  I have negative thoughts too.  Mostly about myself.  But once in a while, I had them for Javier.  Only, in the end, I know he will get his just dessert.  And it won't have to come from me.  Life...life will bring that.  I guess that is why I always tried to stay positive.  That positive is better than the hate one can have.  I have seen first hand how it consumes someone.  They don't seem happy.  And personally, I think they are making others miserable.  Luckily, for them, they are loved immensely.  Find your happy.  People will piss you off.  But pity them.  Because you have your happy.  Hopefully, you have someone that loves you.  Hopefully, you have people that support you.  I have been able to come up the other side because I had the right kind of support.  I have that now....no questions asked.  No judgement.  Just acceptance.  The mere fact I know I am loved and supported helps me to heal myself.  It's easy enough to revert back to bad habits and let an inner demon in or two.  But I have emotional sponsors that check in on me.  And we talk through it.  And suddenly, the logic comes.  I love conversations I have with friends...all sort of conversations.  I feel I learn from my friends.  Okay.  Time to start my day.  I have work today.

Pour Some Sugar On Me Def Leppard Lyrics

This was playing on my way home from work.  It's our marriage song.  Don't judge lol

That and some Avenge Sevenfold

38

That's the magic number this week.  As of tomorrow, I will have done 38 hours. Me.  Jess.  I am hoping to do one heavy week. Then the a light week with just my permanent assignment.  Then pick up hours every other week.  I'm doing it.  I am in a different level with myself.  Confidence barriers that I didn't even know existed within myself are breaking down.  Long Awaited Love from Thad Fiscella is on.  I love my job.  In my small Jess way, I am making a difference.  It's a great feeling.  So...38.  I am still wrapping myself around that number.  And it makes me smimle