Tuesday, July 25, 2017
I am looking forward to "Ethan" moving in. I can't believe that soon I will be able to say I am a parent of a college student. That's crazy. I used to imagine this time, this moment. And now, it's here. It feels ...surreal. I'm looking forward to this new chapter.
Monday, July 24, 2017
I found this song. It's got a strange sound but I like it.
Life happens. Don't we say that? That's what was happening. Unfortunately, the game changer is not in our present. Jeremy is trying again in the future. The bright side is that the other test takers were not on their first time. They were at least on the their second, if not third time. This test is brutal. It will give us time to focus on the wedding coming up that we are in. And that "Ethan" is moving in. What else? I drove home at night. Which seems silly to report but for me that is huge. I drove home....in Jeremy's car, no less. Jeremy doesn't get a lot of times to just let loose. He always has to be the responsible one. I finally felt ready and confident. I don't want driving at night to become a habit but I feel better about it. I took Jeremy out to Cracker Barrel and movies. I love being able to do that. August 1st is coming up. I'm not really sure what I am doing that day. But I am ready for it. I didn't even need to make an appointment for therapy. That was another big step. Lotus Drum Meditation is on. I feel like I had more to tell you but it has slipped my mind. We shall figure it out.
Tuesday, July 18, 2017
I took Jeremy to the airport. He texted me in he was in San Jose. The radio silence begins. That was my idea. I wanted to make sure he was in game zone focus. I miss him already. It's just two days but still. I am keeping myself distracted with friend hangouts and work. And movies!!! I may do some reading too tonight before bed. Positive thoughts and good vibes. I'm so proud of Jeremy. This is a game changer. He's gotten two potential leads on jobs as well when he comes back. So...fingers crossed.
Tuesday, July 11, 2017
Where is my Mind by Maxence Cyrin is playing. This week is an adjustment...but in a good way. "Ethan" has been here doing some school stuff before officially moving in. Jeremy is home doing his training. Schedules are an adjustment. All of this is a beautiful adjustment. I just finished a Bollywood dance routine work out. That was intense. I'm glad I am trying to get back on a groove again. Last week I fell off the wagon in terms of motivation. I wasn't feeling well last week. But this week, I am better. I remember when life was Zen. Then, I remember when Life wasn't Zen. Then, I remember when life was me learning to live zenful in an unzenful life. It seems this blog is all over the place. And I am probably being vague. It's just because Jeremy has the computer for his training, I haven't been blogging. I've been lifing, so to speak. lol
I love to blog. I write what I am feeling. But I used to blog because I wasn't getting out pain, getting healing, growing...in order to create a healthy life for myself. I don't write in my love letters to myself all that often. I didn't miss blogging this week. A situation that normally would set me off actually helped me to convey my feelings in thoughts in a logical way. In a strange way, these days, I am feeling more grown up inside. I think a part of me is always going to feel childlike. Maybe we all do. Javier stunted certain aspects of me. It's why I needed to create the aspects in the first place. I needed to find a way to function. I actually thought I didn't have the emotional maturity to handle things. Only...now...I handle things. I'm the handle. I'm the responsible one. I'm the one being relied on for the "adulting" things. I guess I found out that certain situations in life forced me in some way to grow up. In March, when I had to be the adult, it changed the game for me, regarding life. From December to April I grew up in my healing. I understand more about myself and how to react to life when it's throwing shit at me. Before...I used to freeze. I didn't know how to react to certain things in life. Now, well....now...I feel like I can take on anything. And that's a beautiful place to be when you've lived your life feeling worthless. I have value. And I don't need validation from anyone for that anymore. My voice is the most important one. I'm adjusting....in a good way......Wind by Brian Crain is one
Thursday, July 6, 2017
So I heard back from the exam. I went today for my follow up and I need a follow up in 6 months. That was code for "if there was something really wrong, the doctor would've had you schedule with your doctor". At least that's what the radiology technician said. I admit. I was a little nervous. Especially, when the technician had to come back 2 more times to take the exam. I had an ultra sound and another mammogram. Yah to being 40. Just because seemed like a great reason to make Lasagna and cheesecake swirl. Plus, we're having "Ethan" for a week. Jeremy has his training all next week. They're 14 hours. Craziness. And then, next week is his test. It's crazy to imagine where I was a year ago today. I was a mess. I was figuring out my healing. I was dealing with the healing along with what I call rehealing. Pain is still pain. But after a while, time does heal wounds. What's helped me heal from the biggest pain was learning how to disconnect. It doesn't mean I don't acknowledge it happened. But I wanted to have a life where I could function, even with that knowledge running around. And somehow, I thought I was holding the pot together. But I was bubbling up for a catastrophe. And it was okay to fall apart. And to fall again. I learned how to live again. I learned how to really live.
Monday, July 3, 2017
Little Man's party was this weekend. Little One also is in town. That was great to see him! But the explanation for the blog entry is important. Traffic got crazy and BE's grill person was still stuck in traffic. So Jeremy stepped in and took over. He's a natural. I was telling some of the friends at the party the only reason I want to have a house is so we can have a backyard...so he can grill. lol It was such a warm and wonderful feeling seeing Jeremy in that role. I was conflicted about volunteering Jeremy. I don't like answering for other people. But he beat me to it. And then, I started taking pictures. Others took over after cake and presents. But I took pictures for EB so she could enjoy the moments. Because that was some moments for her. I have a front row seat to this wild ride called motherhood. Imagine the moms sitting in the ride. I love our Aunt and Uncle roles. The roles we play are perfect. I get my fix of doing mommy things without having to do all of it. I've and Jeremy have grown used to our childless parents role. Although, we are going to have "Ethan" soon, that is different. "Ethan" is a grown kid. The other wonderful part of the party was seeing Little One. He's grown up so much! It's crazy...Parrts of the Youngn crowd are not so youngn anymore. My client wanted to enjoy the festivities of the 4th early. So I have no shift today. I got called for a shift just a while ago but then, the client canceled all together. The upside is it woke me up. It's a fun thing to try to figure out why Criminal Minds is in your dream. That's about it. Today is Aaron's birthday. I think he would've been 38? It's still weird to realize he's gone. But such is reality. Anyhoo. I hope you have a safe 4th. I love and loathe the 4th. I love and loathe any time fireworks are used. Luckily, I will be distracted with friends that I won't notice it much. Be safe.