It's ok to not be ok

Important words for me to remember right now.  Since last week, that's been my mood.  I'm not my usual perky self.  My usual shield is not up.  I feel more emotionally weak.  I am not equipped emotionally for a day like this.  It's the death anniversary of a friend that took their life.  It's been a few years now.  Yet, this year kind of hit me.  My guess with Jeremy gone, I leaned on him for days that I didn't feel okay.  And with my grandma's death anniversary last week....I haven't felt as strong as I had been.  I miss the hell out of him.  I miss him being here. I miss being able to hug into his chest and breathe in.  Something so small.  And yet, so big.  What happened? My guess is other variables of stress.  I have my health as a factor, now Some news that gave me a wake up call.  Nothing fatal or that catastrophic.  But enough to say... "Oh, shit".  In talking with a friend, I realized I had been internalizing my stress for about 2 years now.  I have only recently started dealing with my trauma on a more healthy basis.  My guess is...it caught up with me.  I don't feel strong right now.  I can acknowledge that into the void.  That's a start

Short

I miss him.  I understand this needs to be our reality.  It doesn't stop me from missing him still.

Thoughts that wander

An image onscreen triggers a thought.  Something I see, reminds me of a visual.  That thought takes form.  It suddenly wanders.  The thought was what makes a person successful?
Is it the job? A relationship? Money? Is it the status? By all traditional sense, that answer is yes.  I reject traditional sense.  After all, I think in Unicorn.  I am not a success.  I don't care to be.  It means I am constrained to certain rules of society.  It means that I have to conform to a person I'd rather not be.  And for what? To seek approval from a faceless ideal of acceptance? I am no more a success than I am a failure.  I am present.  I am enlightened.  I am self aware.  I am here writing this because I want someone else to read this somewhere and remember that spark that resides within them.  Before society, or someone specific told them they weren't enough.  It almost seems like some sense of psycho babble.  But that's the beauty in its simplicity.  I write this for you, to remind you, that YOU are enough.  Remember that when you have a bad day.  Remember that when you feel like you failed or your feel like a failure.  I am exactly where I need to be.  My education has been important in my life.  But I have also learned from life itself.  I learned to rise up.  I learned to find my spark.  I learned that I can reduce a monster that has kept me trapped inside my thoughts and see him for the loser shit head he really is.  He can't love himself.  How was he supposed to love me?
I learned how strong I really am.  I learned that my spark helps people.  I learned I make a difference.  These are the thoughts that wander.  All because I watched Accepted.  I've seen it before.  I saw it with new eyes today.

Interesting pieces

Joan Mitchell

I stared at it for a while.  My favorite art piece

Joan Mitchell

Not actually the weirdest art I came across.  It was called interactive art.  Its intent is to have art be on a more warming and welcoming sense rather than the sense of detached and unapproachable art

Yes.  That is Cheese Puffs.  That is too weird for words.  Apparently, there was a whole room once in the exhibit

This piece spoke to me.  I felt the push pull of pain and happiness.  Light and dark

Digital Video.  The loop is 2 hours worth.  It's ...different.  But I love the use of the colors.  It made it easier to adapt to this new concept.  The still life art one was not

Something about it caught my eye

Interactive art

The colors over colors really stood out

More interactive art

self care kind of day

It was a museum and massage kind of day.  I felt the need for some self-care.  Museums always give me a sense of happiness.  Nocturne in a minro by Chad Lawson is on.  I video chatted with Jeremy earlier.  I miss him.  He misses me.  But we have this reality.  And we're making the best of it.  He went and played pool and drank a beer at a bar with his roommate.  I went to the museum and got a massage.  Some days it's about hanging out with people.  Sometimes, it's recharging yourself with some self care.  I had injured my back recently at work.  I felt a pinched nerve or pulled muscle.  My massage therapist was a miracle worker.  I got to see my favorite art piece.  I stared and gazed at it for a while.  I interacted with some art.  I also learned of digital video art.  Its concept is still a little foreign for me to wrap around but there was a particular piece that helped me to slowly adapt to this new idea.  Joan Mitchell was an artist that stood out for me today.  Her pieces spoke to me.  They evoked a certain light from darkness depiction in her pieces.  At least that was my interpretation.  I'll share some of the interesting pieces I saw today.  Some of them are downright...weird.  You'll figure out which one I feel is well...weird. 

My adventure

Crazy man

Love this picture

Sighs Heartmelt.  I'm really here with him

Love my built in sunglasses

I froze this moment

Gave me a heart attack with this picture, Crazy daredevil.  He wanted to show me the perspective

Step away from the ledge.  Stop making your wife nervous

3rd Honeymoon

Honestly, that's what this weekend felt like.  I flew out to see Jeremy.  "Ethan" was holding down the fort, making sure the furball was doing okay.  I flew out on the 4th, the unofficial Star Wars Day.  I got a nice comment on my shirt.  The TSA guy said anyone who is from the rebels can't be all that bad.  I loved it.  Seeing Jeremy for the first time in a long time was just...crazy.  Time stood still for just a few seconds.  We kissed, and smiled.  We were really in front of each other.  I was famished.  We went to a local Steakhouse called the Claim Jumper.  The next day I would find out why that bizarre name made sense.  Eternity by David Tolk is on.  I'm trying to help you picture my journey.  Even with a soundtrack.  lol I can't even tell you the elation I had holding his hand.  Something as simple as holding hands got me...giddy? Jeremy got us a hotel so we could have privacy. His roommate not appreciate the married couple whom haven't seen each other for a while.  I asked for La Quinta.  I seem to like La Quintas.  We got up the next day for the breakfast.  Jeremy said there was a restaurant on the very top of Mount Lemon.  So we took our time with driving up.  We stopped a few times so I could take pictures.  We took even more time up by starting to hike it.  What an adventure for me.  That's not me.  I don't do that kind of stuff.  But I joked around he had vacation wife.  And vacation wife was daring.  And daring, I was .  Finding my Way by Liquid Mind is on.
I even have the pictures and video to prove it.  It was an amazing experience being up there with Jeremy.  I unplugged for the day.  I was on Jeremy time.  It felt good.  There is a restaurant at the top of the mountain.  Did I mention the elevation is over 9,000 by the time you get to the place.  That's insane.  We went on a ski lift.  In the winter, this place gets a lot of skiers.  One of the ski slopes is called Claim Jumper.  Ah.... It all makes sense now.  Iron Door is the name of the restaurant.  I was still trying to wrap myself around this place.  We were discussing the commute and trying to imagine it.  Finally, I asked my waitress how long the commute was.  It's an hour.  They commute in a van together, most of the time.  It's about loving the mountains so much you want to work at this place.  It's something else.  I imagined it like a castle in the sky feeling from an anime I had seen.  Just with a rustic vibe.  Our view outside was incredible.  I had never experienced nature so closely.  All this was a new experience.  Normally, I shy away from this.  But this weekend, I happily greeted it and embraced the challenge.  Jeremy has climbed some things.  He has done hiking.  He is more of an outside guy.  He's definitely more outdoorsy than I am.  I am such a city girl.  But I dressed for the occasion.  I even bought new tennis shoes for work but broke them in this weekend
Momentarily had to stop.  Work called.  I needed to take off today.  But figured I would get myself back to work.  And by next week I have Monday and Friday taken care of.  I have a potential Tuesday.  We'll see how it goes tomorrow.  Our reality works right now.  It's not ideal. But it's for a good cause and we both know it.  And we make a great team.  We have struggled with things.  But I am so happy we got through our issues.  Marriage is work.  But both of us feel this marriage is worth it.  And we put in the communication, support, understanding, and compromise to make it a beautiful marriage.  There's a lot of things I thought I had to say.  Instead, our actions, this weekend spoke louder than words...and volumes.  Here's to us, babe.