Life is a classroom

Pay attention.  You might this the lessons the Universe is trying to teach you. Sometimes it's the basic ones. We have become such a hard and cold world the basic lessons are needed.  Other times it's more deeper lessons needing to be learned.  And the application of learning is different.  Learning is an art form itself.  So is teaching.  Both require a mind set to process the information and convey it. Both require ingenuity to find application.  I can appreciate those who can learn the standard way. As a juvenile I was envious.  As an adult I'm less. I'm relieved that I learn differently.  Life is a classroom.  I'm paying attention.

Residual

Something about me getting older cotrelates eithmy tolerance of certain stress triggers.  It takes me a couple of days to shake the residual negativity.  I encountered some rather harsh words. The sad part of it all was the giver didn't even realize what they were doing.  I wasn't hurt. I was...something else. Offended...no. I felt briefly that the person I was...wasn't good enough.  I felt that the very values and beliefs did not warrant a voice. Jess 2.0 That's humiliating.  But I managed to run everything in my mind. I'm proud of myself.  It took this long to stand up...but here I am. I always felt in person confrontation was the key. Sometimes walking away is just as brave. 

Silence is golden

I thought of whether or not to blog. So this is what I have. If you don't have anything nice to say....don't say anything at all.  I beleve in that. I think that speaks volumes. 

Dissection of Validation

I discovered something about myself regarding validation when I was having a conversation about it with Jeremy.  I rather love our conversations. We discuss various topics.It was originally about achievement or his perspective on it.    I value his opinion very much.  Which indirectly started the next discussion.  He was flattered but he was bothered about my need for validation.  We discussed the origin of that need.  It did open my eyes to things.  A few days ago I came to an epiphany of my own.  Sometimes I justify myself or explain myself more than I have to.  Probably because on some level I crave the validation.  When really, the person that needs to be okay with me...is well..me.  An argument with a friend brought up thoughts.  I want to be compassionate to people.  I want to make people comfortable.  However, I might enable to decide the terms of whom I am as a person.  The idea of that would make me scoff. That I would allow myself to be "modified" so much for a person.  And in a strange way...that's exactly what I was doing.  I don't mind provisions to comfort or help a person feel comfortable.  But what if I am enabling them to not see...their demands and expectations of me are ridiculous.  It's like I am too afraid to confront that they have the problem with me. So what did I do? I changed parts of myself.  And when they disputed that I did this for them...they didn't hold their own behavior accountable.  Accountability. Maybe that's what sent me to somehow set a boundary that I didn't bother telling me.  I wanted to but for now I don't feel they want to hear my side.  I should remind myself that my value doesn't lie in their hands.  And while I appreciate people expressing their feelings I think there is a difference in communication regarding expressing feelings and dissing them.  I heard such things that would have hurt me years ago.  That day...it did something else. It bothered me.  But it also made me see the dissection of validation.  It made me step back and take back control of my own value.  I don't need you to see this amazing person I am.  And that's exactly what I was doing....giving you that power.  That's my fault.  I am accountable to doing that.  I don't like fighting.  But I don't want you want me to be.  Life doesn't work like that.

Perfect is a bad word

Perhaps I should write this blog with not nearly as much emotions.  I am upset.  I feel like I am justifying to a person on how I am.  I feel as though the person they have in front of them is "not good enough".  I get that I am not always going to have things right. I'm human.  I make mistakes.  I am clumsy.  But I am sincere in what I do.  I sometimes am too compassionate for my own good.  I worry too much about someone else's feelings I forget to tell myself I don't need to explain the person I am.  You accept a person for whom they are.  You might not like all traits of them.  It would be strange if you did.  Perfect is a bad word.  Perfection doesn't exist.  It's like waiting for a unicorn to come.  Unrealistic expectations render some very bad choices.  At least that's how I see it.  For just a bit I was enabling someone...I was letting them put me in a corner.  Unrealistic expectations of what you want me to be like is cruel...actually.  I wouldn't do that to you.  I felt insulted, really.  They funny thing is this person has no idea how many times I made sure to prioritize their feelings...when really I shouldn't have to do that.  This is exhausting.  I am confident on who I am as a person and a friend until we talk.  And then without meaning to you basically tell me I'm not good enough.  Your unrealistic expectations are going to alienate people.

Recharge

You got to find ways that you recharge.  Sometimes you're doing it on a physical level.  Other times it's more on a mental or emotional level.  Those usually take more of a toll. This recharge helps one to rather thoughts.  Finding " me" time helps one to just find ways to prioritize life.  It's important that you have outlets that help you do that. Recharge helps you find your core.

Create a sanctuary

My sanctuary consist of blankets, battery operated candles,  and soundscape.  Sometimes it's a book. There are also hugs. Those melt in your soul kind. My sanctuary helps me stay grounded. It helps me to recharge.  It helps me....just be.