History

I don't know the secret to a happy marriage.  I can only tell you what I have learned being married to Jeremy.  And for that married being married to Woody.  I can't really count Javier because it was a sham.  Long story.  Back to Woody since he is what I consider my first husband.  I learned the beauty of history together.  Woody and I didn't court.  We didn't do anything.  If you think about it, we were dating while we were married.  As bizarre as that sounds I didn't get a healthy idea of what being married was about.  It might explain why I didn't want to pursue a long term relationship for awhile.  I wanted one.  But I wasn't emotionally ready for one.  I don't know if I was emotionally ready for one by the time Jeremy came along.  The good thing is that Jeremy saw something in us.  I envisioned it but I don't know if it was possible.  We seemed so different from each other.  I was intimidated by Jeremy's intelligence at the time.  This troubling factor comes from my relationship with Javier.  You hear constantly how you won't get anything better and you start believing it.  And by all standards, Jeremy surpassed Javier in so many ways that logic stuck.  Psychologically, your head space can screw with your mind. You constantly second guess yourself.  You look for validation a little too much.  You forget to consult within yourself and be confident of that answer.  But that's the beauty of the history with Jeremy.  He has taught me so much.  I have learned to love myself in a way that was healthy.  Jeremy is a wonderful teacher.  He gets into his element and it's beautiful to watch.  He is less obnoxious about things.  Either that or I look past the confidence and no longer see it as arrogance.  He thinks it's rose colored glasses.  I could buy that argument.  But our story is colorful.  I've had a crush on Jeremy since I met him.  He always fascinated me.  He also irritated me.  He seemed full of himself.  And somehow I felt he needed more humility.  That's where I come in.  My emotional intelligence allows him to see a purpose of where emotions and feelings do come in.  That sometimes all the facts and evidence in the world won't logically explain things.  Love would be an example.  By all accounts, on paper, Jeremy and I seem like an odd fit.  Yet, when it's the two of us it makes complete sense.  We complement each other.  I don't have an explanation for that.  Neither does he.  We just accept it.  We accept that not everything is going to have a neat answer.  Our history helps us to enjoy the couple side of us.  Because long time ago there was a friend side of us.  And that side has never left.  We are  Best friends.  We are partners in crime.  Whatever box you want to put us in.  We are partners in life on this journey.  We are adventurers on this crazy roller coaster.  It's hard to imagine anyone else in that seat.  History shouldn't be the only reason people stay together.  But it's a start.  Jeremy and I like each other.  It sounds strange to write but nowadays most couples don't like each other.  We enjoy each other's company.  We also enjoy our individuality and the need for space from one another.  It's a nice mix.  So my secret to a happy marriage is this.  Find your own secret.  Everyone is different.  There isn't one formula.  And don't confine yourself and compare.  What works for me in my marriage doesn't work for you.  And Vice Versa.  It's the many lessons I have learned along the way. I'm still learning......

Accuracy

The interesting about truth is that opinions get thrown around as though that is the very truth of a topic.  I'll be honest.  I'm guilty of leaning towards information by way of opinion and turning into truth.  However, as I grow older I am learning that truth is relative.  There is always versions of truth.  I must remember that when someone claims to be an expert or have certain authority over truth.  I must also remember that certain personalities cannot see past their own opinion.  Their very nature is self absorbed that open mindedness is not something the seek, even if they claim to be open minded.  I strive to be open minded. I don't know if I achieve that.  I don't mind being seen as aspiring but never achieving it.  It helps me to continue to seek truth in its purest form.  Accuracy is rare these days.  It's hard to see anything for truth.  That is why questioning helps an individual to find their own truth.  Respect that journey.  Embrace that journey.  Accuracy may not always look like truth.  But even embellishments have their purpose. 

Interpretation

You have to wonder how interpretation is perceived.  Is the perception a responsibility of the conveyor.  Is it more responsibility on the intended audience.  Is it both.  Perhaps both need to take accountability that the message is not being read correctly.  Intention and execution are two different things.  Interpretation is important.  Clarification is important.

Boring is the new Adventurous

Sometimes triggers come in the strangest of places.  Most of my triggers fall under association of words or memories.  Regrets suddenly made me evaluate what I do or do not regret.  While in the broad sense I don't regret my life.  Each event has lead me to my current life.  However, I admitted to myself that my marriage was a regret.  Not because of the person...although one can understand where that logic might have originated from.  No...I regretted the way I ended up marrying.  I look back and I sort of robbed myself and my family of any traditional sense of ever experiencing courtship.  There was little to no courtship.  It was almost like we dared each other.  At most, we would have dated and seen that we were not compatible.  I felt crazy.  I felt reckless.  And in those days I played Russian Roulette on some level.  I give my ex husband enough credit to stop our façade before it really got "ugly.".  It was already tawdry for my taste.  I appreciated the out.  I would have liked a smoother exit.  However, life doesn't work that way.  I don't know if I regret my last relationship before Jeremy.  All I know is I was way in over my head to help my boyfriend.  This was a lifetime movie I didn't want to star in.  I certainly didn't have as dramatic of a moment as a friend of mine.  Trust me. I don't envy her story.  But my lifetime movie was scary enough for me.  Jeremy doesn't realize that he saved me.  He saved me just by loving me.  He reprogrammed me to believe in myself.  I could say my boyfriends took that away.  But really, it starts with the first one.  I am not property.  I am not a conquest.  I am not someone to be modified to what your "ideal' is.  I have struggled throughout my life trying to be other people's ideal.  It's strange to realize that I trapped myself into that a few times.  I am glad I finally see it.  Once I see it, I have no apologies. I don't exactly have dramatic exit.  Again, life doesn't always work that way.  I simply don't care like you want me to.  And I am alright with that.  I live a quiet boring life.  On occasion, there is a spice here and there to mix it up.  I like that.  But these days, Boring is beautiful to me.  Boring is the new adventurous. 

Head space

That's been the topic recently.  Sometimes you're not in a good head space to concentrate,  to develop healthy connections, or sometimes to function past the functioning of everyday life. Perhaps because the scars are not as visible.  Perhaps because the damage is longer to identify.  Either way, it's important  .  To acknowledge where one's head space is.

Sick

Brain fuzzy. Migraine.  Stomach flu? Little to no appetite.  Dehydrated. Nauseous.  Yeah...no room for inspiration

Dropping the ball

I think today was one of the days I dropped the ball on a friend.  Here's the interesting thing.  I was so awed by her graciousness.  It blew me away.  She reminded me without saying a word how important just being there is.  There's pressure that life brings.  Human nature dictates that we as humans are going to fudge occasionally.  Some, more than others.  Reaction towards that is just as important as the execution.  My friend was the epitome of classy.  I admire her.  I will work towards mending the "dropping the ball" that I did.  That's friendship.