Never underestimate the power of your impact

That can go good or bad, really.  You think that you're not contributing to this beautiful world or that your malice isn't polluting the world.  Never underestimate the power of your impact.  My inner demons sometimes have gotten the better of me and I have doubts about my impact.  Questions brim up on whether I have a positive impact on people.  However, those doubts are quickly squelched when I see people I care about and love smile because I contributed to their happiness.  At this time in my life I have a position where I can be more readily available for those I love.  Jeremy takes on that burden to keep that position going.  He is my hero for doing it.  I often tell him that I am happy to take on the burden with him.  While I am trying to study for my test again I could be working. I can only do part time but it would be something. Yet, he is the rock I look up to and handles things.  I admire that about him.  Jeremy takes care of me so I can take care of others.  I'm proud of us.  It takes one step for a small gesture of kindness.  It feels good to have done it.  At least...for me, it feels like I have a positive impact.  I remember the days I let my anger get the best of me and I took it out on someone else.  You never know what kind of domino effect it might have.

Interesting thing about human nature

We heard correctly.  We're not deaf. We can't all have misunderstood. So when someone gets aggressive and insist we are wrong...well, I'll have non of that. Others wanted to speak up. I have no trouble clarifying. I like clarifying. So, yeah. Sometimes you gotta risk looking like a bad guy tobbe thw good I guy. That's the mystery of human nature.

Sometimes

Sometimes, when I close my eyes and I'm concentrating on the music (Soundscape, usually), I lose myself.  It's a great feeling, really.  Sometimes it's good to tune out the traffic. You have to tune out the background noise.  I have to clear my head.  A lot of times I have too many things running in my head.  I have to slow it down to make sense of it all.  Why do I feel need to do this? Life seems like some crazy movie that I have to slow motion.  So much traffic. So much noise. It really can make a person crazy.  At least that's what I feel at times.  I probably do this to control stress.  I am an anxious person by nature.  So I have to use more energy to control my anxiety.  I had to let go of having things controlled or too structured.  Life doesn't work like that.  That was an important lesson to learn.  Structure is important by sometimes you do have to live life with some spontaneity. 

The moment

I hope I captured the moment. I hope I did it justice. So much.  Such emotion.

Stress

It's good to have friends when you're stressed. They distract, make you laugh,let you vent, let you say nothing if you want, or have coffee. Lots of things.

Missing the point

Have you wondered if your life could be made of movies? At least I have.  My child was good, mostly.  I figure my life had its struggles but someone always had it much more difficult that I didn't see the need to complain too much.  My teenage years had more strife but that was much derived from the controlling relationship I had with Javier.  Looking back I hadn't realize how much he manipulated things.  I don't necessarily blame him.  He didn't exactly have parents to teach him those things.  His grandparents attempted to but I don't think he felt he fit in anywhere...until my family.  And he coped by destroying.  It's an odd assessment but that's why I'm not always angry of what he did to me.  I pity him.  That incident, however, was a catalyst for much of my poor decision making.  I didn't know how to cope with rape.  I kept denying that it was even that.  I faulted myself for putting myself in a situation.  I internalized it to a point that I no longer blamed Javier for anything but myself.  My worth was that.  That someone could have the right to do that.  I don't think I would want my life in a movie.  I think people would be missing the point.  They would look for dramatic sequence.  They would look for something that wasn't true.  I don't regret anything.  Even that point in time.  It all led up to today.  Today is extraordinary.  I may not have the profession I sought to obtain validation.  These days I'm learning my legacy isn't about that.  I give something no degree can give me. No validation or person, really can give me.  I give it to myself.  That's a new concept for me.  I've always known and recognized it but I didn't actually put it into application of me.  Sometimes I have this dream of writing a book.  The concept of it is rising from the ashes of my own demons.  I survived.  Not only that, I strive.  I am living proof there is something after pain.  Jeremy is part of that Jeremy.  So it starts with certain things with Javier.  and ends with a scene with Jeremy on a cruise.  Yeah. I don't have the middle.  Maybe that's why there isn't a book out yet.  It's a nice idea in my head.  So maybe that's why it stays with me.  Maybe I think they would be missing the point of what this all means.  That my life has a lesson to be learned.  I hope so will my death one day. 

Feeling outside the box

I am not talking just thinking outside the box.  There are those that have that capability down to well, a science, so to speak.  What if the idea of positive energy could help those feel outside the box.  I don't think per se I can ever really say magic lives in the world.  I seriously doubt it.  However, there are things that I can't explain.  There is energy I don't know how to comprehend.  I sound crazy.  I probably am.  But I feel outside the box.  Part of my stigma has been my Epilepsy.  I used to and sometimes see it as a curse.  But when I have a clear moment, I see it as a gift.  I imagine things on a much different level.  Does something exist because we proved it or disproved it? That's a question we are still trying to answer.  Faith just isn't from deriving on a religious level.  Faith comes from having the ability to follow something without having all the answers.  That belief comes from simply understanding that there is something bigger than us.  It would be amazing if there were other people that could "see" this.  And that's the thing. You can't see it. You feel it.  You understand that for as different as people are, given the right circumstances they are the same.  They were just taken on different paths.  You will always have those that ignore anything that what they believe in.  Pity them.  Pity that they are so beyond understanding and "feeling outside the box."