Breakthrough

Wow.  What a moment.  I had some strange breakthrough.  There's this song.  More than words.  Certain songs have haunting very traumatic triggers for me.  I've tried over the years to reprogram my emotional side to not be consumed by hearing it.  It's still a very slow process.  Unchained Melody is now a very beautiful song to hear and I no longer get triggered.  The same cannot be said for More than Words.  That song haunts me.  I've been avoiding that song for years.  He tried to pin that song on me.  And I wanted to be angry at this song. I loathed that song.  But today I cried...I've always cried at this song.  But this time, I cried happy tears.  Because I was free of this song.  This song no longer had its power over me.  It was a such a breakthrough that I was laughing...then crying...then laughing again.  I also bought a beanie baby that was a unicorn named Rarity, because damn it...I am lol. And maybe my crazy life, maybe some of the rough things in my life that could send a person over the edge were a blueprint or map for someone else. Enough to hurt themselves...nooooo not Jess. She was tooooo stubborn for that shit. Laugh. Laugh with me.  Because I'm so stubborn.  My revenge on that..not even the person...but the event is to take life by the horns and hold on for dear life for the ride. This crazy roller coaster ride in life that I just live.  I experience things.  I fall...and then I get back up again. I love.  I fail...but then I really don't.  I just learn from it.  And then it's not a mistake any more.  It's just a lesson learned.  So..More than words.  I finally can smile at this song.  Thank you, Universe.

I'm still learning how to process

You know...if all of us learned how to properly communicate our sadness, anger, and other emotions I think the world would be in a better place.  A friend of mine pointed out a few days ago  that anger is a boundary violation and /or fear. It got me thinking.    Anger can be a healthy emotion if properly conveyed.  We all have triggers that we develop over the years that we experience.  Whether it's a family relationship, a significant other, or friendship our interactions can directly affect someone, whether positive or negative.   I'm still learning how to process anger.  Two abusive relationships and a rape will sorta fuck you in the head sometimes.  I don't like using it as a excuse but I do have to at least acknowledge that they do affect how I handle an emotion like anger.  I freeze.  I call it being a coward because I'm not fighting but really...it's me just trying to survive the situation.  Sometimes for just a minute I'm not in the present. I'm in that situation and I freeze.  That's typical for survivors.  So anger.  I have great teachers in my friends who help me process this emotion.  I love my discussions with them.  I feel like I learn all the time. I'm still learning how to process.  Sometimes I feel like my inner child comes out more than my adultness.  And I'm not entirely comfortable with it.  I think that's when I feel like a fraud.  That I'm not always an adult.  Course, a friend (same friend) also said the world didn't need me to be an adult all the time.  I'm slowly reprogramming my brain and mindset.  It's a slow process.  But I have faith I'll get there.  I have a beautiful support system behind me to help.  I cherish them.  And I don't ever get tired of telling them how much I cherish them.

The beauty in pain

Sounds crazy, right? But it got me thinking.  Sometimes pain is necessary and has a beauty and purpose.  We can't appreciate the good if we don't know the impact the bad brings.  Contrast is important. Contrast helps us see a new perspective or angle on things.  The beauty in pain is well, beautiful.  I don't have answers right now in the realm of pain.  Who ever does? I worry that steps I take whether right or left will negatively impact someone I love.  I'm willing to make sacrifices.  I just don't know. I'm at a  loss, really.  I wish I had a map to this path of pain.  But since this is my first time in this painful situation I don't know the answer.  And that frightens me.  But in this frightening moment I am okay.  I am okay because I know. I know that somehow, at the end of the tunnel....there is the beauty...in pain.

When it shows

When it shows...the confidence bursting out. When it shows..you want to scream to the world...Here I am!

History

Today was a day. I spent all day with an old friend. She was needing comfort and support. And there I was. 20 years of history. And not all of it was pleasant with us. But we never forgot about each other. And when reconnected we mended so much. She's one of the few people who has known Jess Ortiz, Jess Moser, and now...Jess Kearney. A traumatic point in my life left us at a crossroads. But we perserveared and our friendship held.  And in true universal fashion she felt conflicted. I was so happy to relieve her of any worry. It's funny how I've learned that my horrible experiences don't negate your wonderful...or vice versa. The very person who pained me needed his friend, her. In some strange way I wanted to be that friend. To be there for the friend behind the monster. Because once upon a time. ...he wasn't. She still did not reach out. But she did it for her reasons. And I respect that. Life is strange.  I pain for the man behind the monster. What in the world does that make me?

With new eyes

Sometimes I feel like I am looking at life with new eyes.  Some of it seems like a painful process.  Rehahsing old pain or something like that.  But in way, that is a positive because it means I really never dealt with it.  On the other hand, there is the beauty of looking at life with new eyes.  I have a whole new appreciation for my husband.  I love him.  I didn't know it was possible to fall in love with him, again..only different.  It's hard to explain.  But I know the reason.  I celebrate and humbly accept the gift.  I thank the gift. I love the gift.  I am grateful for what it brings. I look at my friendships with new eyes.  I no longer need to explain or justify myself who may not understand my perception.  It doesn't make them right or wrong.  It just makes it not compatible to be in my close range circle.  I certainly look at life, thanks to my tribe.  I like being able to open my eyes and see the world with new eyes.  It helps me to understand certain ways to conduct my life.  I am tired of labels.  I am tired of black and white.  I want to live in a place where how I live or love  doesn't need explaining.  I want to live in grey.  Maybe one day.  Until then, I live in my world.  But I strategically adult in the other.

Perception on blind and wrong

A conversation was sparked today on perception.  I understood why a friend was concerned on something I had said.  But I guess I knew better.  And then I got to thinking.  Is it possible to be in the storm...that my perception was blind? In the end, I decided they were wrong.  Sometimes I will recognize I could be blind to perception.  Other times, like this, I recognize they were wrong on their perception.  It was okay.  It was done in the best intentions.  But sometimes...you want to say to people in general..."You're on third base."  Still...I couldn't be upset at someone looking out for my welfare.  I quite  possibly have  made the same assessment had the tables been turned.  On the bright side, I got inspired to write about it.  I actually had another inspiration lined up.  I was walking with one of the best friends and was taking in nature.  It was such a surreal feeling.  And then the church bells went off.  And that was just perfect.  It was a beautiful moment.  I actually started tearing up.  It felt like such a poetic moment.