Rambling

I gotta be careful on how much intensity I allow in.  I'm starting to feed off some intensity that I really don't want to but I feel if I back off, things could get worse.  Conundrums.  You have to sugar coat for people. I do put kid gloves for certain people.  I understand.  And then I don't.  Because part of me feels like I am enabling people to act out and not be accountable for their actions.  It's a balance. people.  But you watch people.  And you wonder their intentions.  And you don't know anymore.  And you question.  And you stay up at night thinking about those intentions.  And you watch other people and you're sad.  You know it's not your place to really tell them how you feel about what they're doing.  You just sit tight and support.  Because that's the kind of person you are.

Not today

My well being is not equipped to adult today. So no blog. Sorry.  I feel bad but just trying to process stuff and some thoughts I can't blog. Until tomorrow.

Wants and needs

It's a rather new phenomena to address my wants and needs.  I wanted to go to the Nutcracker, but specifically, with Jeremy.  So I asked.  It seems simple enough.  But it's been a new thing to ask for my wants and needs.  This idea that I will burden someone with my want or infringing is silly. And it's not.  I know that for many years I felt I burdened Javier with my wants.  Like they were too much to ask for.  I'm not too much to ask for.  I'm worth it.  Jeremy loves me and wants to make me happy.  And it's important that I give him opportunities to take care of my wants and needs.  This weekend is a new comfort zone thing.  Glamping.  Camping with perks still in place? I'll be spending it with one of my best friends so I'm happy.  My schedule will change because her schedule is about to. So I like that this camping thing is coming at a good time to spend time together that we won't have anymore.  Life happens.

Happy

Laugh. Giggle. Find your happy. I have. Every day I find my happy more and more. I married happy. I'm best friend to happy. I'm happy. 

A reality

I've talked about this dream of wholeness.  Today, I felt the dream a reality.  Right now, right here.  I feel whole.  I hadn't realized that the last part of me not feeling whole was actually losing my friendship.  It would seem odd that something like that would make me feel whole but as I remove that friendship I feel a sense of relief.  No longer do I feel eggshells or monitor my behavior. I don't think of every action and over think it.  Today, I am living.  I still have anxiety here and there.  But even my anxiety has tempered.  I am in a great place in my marriage.  Do we irritate each other? Yes.  We're a married couple.  A couple is lying if they say they don't struggle one way or another in a marriage.  No marriage is perfect.  But I have noticed a vast improvement in our communication.  I also have recognized that I voice my wants and needs to Jeremy much more.  And not just with him.  I voice them to my tribe. If I need help, I ask for it.  If I need a hug, I ask for it.  If I need a vent, I ask for it.  Whatever it is, I stop looking at myself as a burden on people that love me.  Funny how that works.  And strangely, part of my strength is telling my story.  I write my thoughts down here.  I am humbled that one person reads this.  Let alone more than one.  I also write this because someone may need a smile or laugh.  Or need to read that someone else is struggling with things.  A friend, Becky mentioned my vulnerability.  I can see that.  I am willing to be more vulnerable to the world now.  Not just my tribe.  I do that because I do have the fear of judgement.  I will get judged on things.  And that's okay.  Those who judge me aren't taking the time to learn the layers of Jess.  And quite honestly, it's their loss.  On Halloween, I met a woman who summed me in 5 minutes of being an approachable good energy positive impact person.  It confirmed any doubts I have on those who critique the person I am.  You don't get it.  Are the demon voices sometimes going to creep up on me? Yes.  I'm human.  I'm flawed.  But now, having beautiful best friends that lift me when I need a reminder of the amazing person I am is so meaningful.  I have amazing conversations with my tribe members.  Some I talk to every single day through phone calls or texts. Some once a week.  One here and there because he's in the Navy and sometimes doesn't have access.  But the love is there nonetheless.  And the hugs my friends give me.  It's not just one of them.  It's more than one.  These people make me safe.  That's a new feeling.  Jeremy has always made me feel safe, especially with hugs.  It's a wonderful feeling to have it from more than one person.  And sometimes hugs don't just come in person.  Sometimes they have to be in text because of their careers and well, life happens sort of thing.  I am humbled they make time for me because I'm that worth it.  So today...today is a reality of wholeness.  It finally came.  98% anyways.  I would love to not have Epilepsy but at the same time I don't know life without it.  And my 98% is my 100%.  It's the most wholeness I have ever felt.  This wholeness is a reality.

Processing pain

It's what I am doing.  With today being a year that Brody, my cat passing.  He wasn't just a pet.  He was family.  He was with me 13 years.  But besides that, there is the process of loss.  At this point, after a beautiful conversation with JB I think I felt better about the loss of a friend.  Thank you, btw.  Your an awesome best friend.  But still processing it all.  I feel like I just wasted 6 or 7 years.  It is what it is.  I feel more comfortable these days processing my feelings.  I respect people's spaces so I still want to make sure on their comfort zones.  But then, don't be around me when I am processing feelings.  Because I am going to process happy. Sad. Mad.  I'm too old for this shit, really.  I've spent the greater half of my life accommodating to people.  I need to be a little selfish every once in a while.  And I get to be selfish sometimes with my tribe.  It's such a great feeling to be loved and accepted by these people.  Unconditionally, they love me.  On good days and bad.  In fact, when I have my bad days they lift my spirits up, simply because they love me, no matter what.  They're my family.  I love these people.  And they love me.  I'm not perfect.  I have plenty of flaws.  But I don't see my flaws nearly as amplified with this group.  I feel confident.  I feel amazing.  I feel loved and accepted.  I see the amazing person I am inside.  I see the warm and kind person.  I'm approachable.  Anyways, today is processing pain day.  And that's okay.   I don't always have to smile if I don't feel it.  That's the day a friend or two smile for me.  

A positive out of a negative

Sometimes these "Facebook Memories" posts can be heartbreaking.  They remind me of the friendship I lost and how much I miss that friendship.  But, they also remind me of how much better off I am in my life not to have that friendship.

I have to look at those words.  You never know if a post is directed or you or not.  But since I lost my friendship with the person who wrote this and I happen to look at my own memories of today from years past...I can guess that the post is about me.  It is what it is.  I hurt.  But she's right.  It does remind me how much better off I am in my life not to have that friendship.  It's just where we are.  I felt like I got punched.  But there's a positive out of a negative.  My chapter without this person.  I had been mostly living life without daily contact.  Her letting go of me made it easier to let go.  I don't want to.  But when you know that a friendship is bad for your health...it's time to let go.  The positive out of the negative is waking up to give affirmations to people who love and accept me.  See, I understand an argument presented in our conversation.  Actions speak louder than words.  They felt like they had been doing the actions.  The odd part was I changed my personality for this person.  I "catered" to their insecurities.  I did multiple things to make them feel comfortable and it wasn't enough.  So I felt like I wasn't enough.  So as they were saying I don't do enough actions.  My words don't match my actions. And then a phone call from one of my best friends just put me in a great mood.  Ah.  My tribe members.  We were talking about above situation and baseline bitch and reactive bitch.  I would be the latter.  I feel so much better.  I have to go through the emotions of it.  I recognized some of these are actually angersad feelings.  I resent this friendship.  Boom. Epiphany.  I resent this friendship.  Moving on.  Because that's what I must do.  As they say.  I am much better off in my life not having this friendship.
The positive out of the negative, it was pointed out, shows the character of the other person...not me.  Interesting point.  I hope I got that sentiment right.