A day to celebrate

Today is Ashley's birthday.  It used to be our anniversary but I am so glad Jeremy and I were able to come up with November 22 as I am happy this is all her day.  The last 10 years with Ashley has been quite the roller coaster! But I am so proud of the individual she is becoming.  She is such an intellectual.  I love that she questions things.  I love seeing the confidence she has.  I am honored to be her stepmom.  And for me, she is my daughter.  As Thomas is my son, she is my daughter.  I have the privilege of being involved in the influence of two extraordinary individuals.  But this is about Ashley.  She has a realistic view of the world which is quite interesting for a 14 year old.  Wow...She is 14 today.  Between 10 years there has been so many memories.  I cherish those memories.  So today...today is a day to celebrate.  A day to celebrate an extraordinary that I am so proud to be a maternal figure of sorts to her.  I love you, Ashley.  You're such an amazing person.  I know our journey has been more strained than Thomas but I also loved the progress and where we are now.  I love our bond now.

Here's the thing

Jared...you lying sack of shit.  I get that maybe you want to save your own hide.  But don't be a fucking hypocrite.  Be a man.  Be a man like Jeremy.  I am going to be just fine.  Don't ever play with a rape survivor's head.  And you did just that, sir.  And you were the one helping me.  So congratulations with helping me with my self doubt you spineless piece of shit.  I know you had to save face.  I even understood at some point I might be thrown under the bus.  But I know my truth.  And I am a forthcoming and honest person.  You said it yourself.  You know the truth.  I don't need to mourn a friendship because at this point I know you weren't being an authentic friend.  And I like my friends to be authentic.  I thought I was feeling bad for you because Leah was a certain way.  No...I feel bad for her because you're a certain way.  And here like a loyal idiot friend I am protecting you.  Fuck you.  There, people.  Little miss tries to keep my calm and anger issues in check.  I am pissed at a fucking hypocrite that doesn't have the fucking balls to be a man to his own wife.  He can't even stand up to her.  Good Riddance.  Jeremy called him a pussy.  I couldn't agree more. 

At peace

This morning...I woke up with a sense of peace.  I have people near...and far rallying for me.  Whether they know the source of my pain.  That's a comforting thought. I had an unexpected thought and decided to follow up on it.  I lost a friend some time again.  She and I constantly struggled in our relationship.  Yesterday...or I should say yesterday evening I brought her that drink I had been wanting to get her whether we were trying to stay friends or not.  I don't know if I knew the core reason.  I do know...that with roller coaster ride I just got off of...she earned that drink.  Perspective means you laugh when with all the struggles you had with her, she never gave you a seizure!  I am hoping "Joe's" influence helped for me to keep up my healing habits without him around.  I think so.  I asked Jeremy for a want.  At some point, I would like to go to Barnes and Noble and sit there and not talk for 20 mins.  One of the things I love about Jeremy is he helps me to redo memories and make good ones with him.  And he was happy to do that for me.  Jeremy is thoughtful.  I didn't lose my other best guy friend.  I am married to him.  And maybe that is a lesson for me.  Don't be best friends with a married man.  I am not saying married people,especially those of the opposite sex can't be friends, more importantly best friends.  I am just saying for me....I don't think I will.  If nothing else, lessons were learned.  Like, maybe don't work for friends.  I guess you have to experience for yourself and realize...yup...doesn't work.  There was too many triangulations, boundaries, and other things muddled.  You know...the strange part...one of the complaints "Sue" had for me was that I didn't want to clean.  Granted, it's not my favorite thing to do for another person. But I was being paid.  And if she wants to play the honesty game she knows I used to feel useless if I wasn't doing something.  She never quite gave me idea of what my job description was.  It was everything and nothing.  And it kept me busy.  Her arguments were unfounded.  But it was something I noticed in how she did things.  "Joe" called them inconsistencies.  I call them...lies.  My guess.  To make herself look good or if nothing else, someone else look bad.  If you were to survey this situation you would think I was the bad apple.  Just by perception.  And because of my own self-doubt I did want to blame myself.  But when people remind you of the person YOU are...let's just say I was thankful for the reminder.  Something I recognized when I finally gave "A" that drink.  Whether I meant to or not I had been the roller coaster ride.  And for that alone, I was glad to have experienced this tornado to see that epiphany.  I don't want to be a roller coaster ride.  I used to be entertained by these "bunny" trails Sue had.  But it was too much.  No structure.  No discipline.  Sometimes I think she is still a child sometimes. Like parts of her haven't grown up.  She is, after all me 5 years ago.  Not to that extreme...but the anger issues.  I am actually looking forward to a nice quiet and boring weeks ahead.  Considering the intensity my life has been the last few months, I am craving...calm, quiet, and boring. He texted sort of, the day I unfriended.  But it was blank.  I don't know what it meant but I just felt like I couldn't answer.  And last night I wanted to text...but I know that it's not in my best interest to go back to any of that, which includes him.  I have done the right thing by ending our friendship.  1) out of respect for a marriage.  2) I don't need that kind of stress with my health.  My health was at risk.  So...I may have little to write on because I am a housewife again.  But who knows...maybe my thoughts are adventures enough.  I do remember a friend suggesting getting a quote and writing a blog entry about that.  I might try that for Monday and see how that goes.  Life is a lesson all unto itself.  I haven't walked away from this experiences without lessons.  "Joe" was a big part of starting the healing process about the rape.  He is a friend that never gives up on you.  Even if you snarl at him lol He would tell you that was a laugh of discomfort.  And maybe it is.  Maybe I need humor for this.  Terminating the friendship like I did I don't know if I had my closure.  What I hope to retrain my brain is that Saturday when we hung out....That was our closure...I didn't know it yet....or did I? And maybe that is what I leave it at.  I hung out with my friend.  And that was it...That's where the story ends. As one of my friends said yesterday...the purpose of my character is no longer needed in the story.  I think she's right.  So likewise...the purpose of the characters that "Sue" and "Joe" were are not needed in my story anymore. The world is crazy.  You see shootings.  You see ISIS.  It makes you want to crawl back into a cave.  You see a lot of  sadness.  But I will tell you this.  Never give up on humanity.  For all the horrible things we do to each other, a gesture...anything that translates into some kind of kindness is gold.  Not because of anything other than...kindness.  Not religion, not politics, not gaining anything....just because.  I pity "Sue".  At this point, I will pray for peace for her with the war she rages inside her.  But just kindness.  Maybe in this crazy bizarre way when we go into the world today...we change the world...one kind gesture at a time.

A new chapter

Today is a new chapter.  Where to begin all this? I will always protect certain details because this matter is a private one but perhaps I can shed light on my world.  Because of my Epilepsy I have to maintain my stress levels.  I have left toxic friends before.  I stayed longer than I should have.  I have a compassionate heart.  It gets me in trouble with toxic friends.  Let's call this toxic friend...."Sue".  And let's call the other friend "Joe".  Sue and Joe in the past had marriage issues.  Much of her actions due in part. But in some ways, he wasn't stepping up to be the kind of husband she needed.  They were on their way to divorce some time back.  I tried helping.  In the end, it seemed like things were better.  I thought they were anyways.  But I started working for them.  I look back and realized that was a bad idea but I needed to see that.  I might still be friends with them if I hadn't.  And in the long run, I need to not be friends with them.  Sue has anger issues.  She constantly raised her voice.  She was quick to anger.  The most dramatic one is when she gave me a seizure, not because she was mad at me...but that she turned all her anger on the person she was angry with and forget it wasn't that person.  I tried stopping her and she got combative and also shut down her feelings on me.  I ended up having a seizure.  I went outside and cried.  The other time was recently.  It wasn't a full on seizure.  My job description is not to carry sofas.  I am a petite woman.  And yet, here I was carrying a sofa upstairs with her.  It couldn't fit and so she unhinged the door. She was supposed to leave soon for an "appointment".  I told her about the time constraint and she raised her voice.  I left it alone but my left side felt spikes.  Finally, she just figured she would leave it for Joe to handle these sofas.  It was a delayed reaction...but I suddenly realized...you're leaving it for Joe AND me to handle.  So I carried 4 sofas up the stairs.  He tried to minmize by saying they are not that heavy.  That's his thing.  But they were f*cking sofas.  And shelves she wanted me to put together.  Whether it's my developmental disability or IKEA just makes you feel dumb...I couldn't figure it out and "Joe" helped to put it together.  All while home schooling the kids.  But we got it done.  I was proud of my best friend and I.  He looked stressed at one particular time and I hugged him.  He had been trying to get a nap for some time.  His job takes a toll on him and can be stressful at times so I felt awful he wasn't getting that much needed nap.  I don't tell him I am hurting physically.  I am little mrs. Strong.  I am not going to show my pain.  But I could feel it the next day.  And I didn't sleep well.  It was a strain on my body.  All so she could look at a horse.  That was her appointment.  Priorities much.  But "Sue" is a selfish spoiled woman.  Joe loves her and wants to please her so much he doesn't see he enables her behavior.  He tells me he tells her no...but I never really saw that.  And sometimes I wondered if my bringing it out would sound either like meddling or some weird I'm trying to get your man feeling.  Because in the end, she got this bizarre idea of something.  I was close to Joe.  Was I attracted to Joe? Yes.  But I am a married woman.  And I love my husband.  I have a code.  Was Joe attracted to me. Yes. But there again. He lived by a code too.  And we're human.  Attractedness doesn't suggest cheating.  But "Sue" was so insecure it became like being on eggshells. Besides the environment  I was in with her anger...her insecurities got the best of her.  And the last 3 days I was getting texts that were so hurtful. She called me a coward.  And said I could troll my way to her house to get my shit out of her house.  Sad part. It wasn't my shit.  It was gifts I had gotten him after a very painful and stressful day for him.  I had been trying to cheer him up...with a troll.  Because I am a stubborn troll of a friend.  hahhah right? lol Is there more to this story ? Yes.  But I am not inclined to say.  What I can tell you is I am as forthcoming as I can possibly be.  I don't like lying.  I don't like deception.  I always worry about someone feeling foolish about believing said lie.  So I am just upfront.  It's why I hate surprises. Even if  it's a nice deceit of sorts like a birthday surprise but I can't handle it.  Weird...right??? I was upfront with my own husband about my attraction with Joe. It didn't affect our marriage.  In fact, he appreciated my candor. Authentic me means not hiding things, most especially to Jeremy.  My no no was having a discussion once on their dime.  I was willing to pay them back for that misstep but she said never mind.  "Joe" called me one of the most forthcoming and honest people he had ever met.  That meant gold.  I try to be the most positive impact on people's lives.  But me being there...suddenly I was anything but.  Not that it was anything I was doing or not.  Just me, in general.  He often complimented me on how I was with Jeremy.  And I work really hard to be a good wife for Jeremy.  Jeremy deserves that.  And it was "Joe" that helped me see that Jeremy had it in him to be that emotionally available person.  I am very grateful for that.  "Sue" unfriended me yesterday.  I didn't want to but I've had trust issues in the past regarding people around someone that has unfriended me.  So I unfriended people she was associated with. "Joe"  the last one.  I actually texted him and asked his advice.  He said I don't know.  I've since erased the text but basically he wanted to reflect on it.  And something about looking inward rather than outward was in order.  Very intellectual and philosophical person.  And just a genuinely good human being.  You know those types.  But the more I thought about it...the more I realized I couldn't do this to him.  He was her husband.  And I needed to be respectful.  So yesterday....I did one of the hardes things I had to do....was unfriend my best friend.  She long stopped being my best friend because of the way she was treating me.  I lost my best friend, Joe yesterday.  But I know I did the right thing.  They need to work on their marriage and it can't happen with me there.  I'm some kind of bad apple.  I had to get reminders that this wasn't my fault.  I still want to blame myself. Could I do things differently? Could I have changed things? And the answer is no.  Their problems were their before I got there.  They will be there after.  All I did was show them.  And her insecurities.  I am insecure too.  But I don't lash out at my female friends for it.  I often smile and clap that my husband gets female attention.  I am secure enough to know I am the best thing to ever happened to him.  Thank you , "Joe". Thank you for showing me my value and worth and giving me that confidence.  There is a protocol and respect.  I call it the girl rules.  Flirting is acceptable to me.  Just be respectful of my place as his wife.  So that tornado is over.  It was too intense.  They are too intense.  And through a mutual friend I realized she wasn't being honest.  She was only giving small details that made me look bad.  Like I chased "Joe".  No. "Sue".  I would not put my marriage in jeopardy.  "Joe" is not Jeremy.  Maybe you would.  Maybe you were projecting because you have..But no...I AM NOT YOU.
So...here I am...with a new chapter.  Boring never looked so good lol.  I was tired of her bunny trails.  She was constantly late.  She wouldn't text me. I felt disrespected but because of her painful past..well I let things go.  Well...bitch...we all got stories.....and guess what...I have a painful past.  But I don't use it as an excuse. Jeremy always did think she was a bitch.  He only tolerated her for my sake and to preserve my friendship with Joe.  Joe and Jeremy were friends.  Jeremy liked Joe.  Joe never crossed boundaries with me or disrespect Jeremy, even with the knowledge that Joe was attracted to me too.  So today....today I feel a sense of peace.  I am rid of that tornado.  And while I hurt that it means "Joe" too.  He chose this life.  And I chose my health, my mental and physical one.  Good bye, "Joe".  You used to be able to read my blog every day.  I hardly think you can now.  But if you can...I am sorry.  I am so sorry for this.  One last affirmation for you Mr. Awesome Sauce...
You are extraordinary individual.  I was flattered and honored to be bestowed the role of best friend.  Your kindness is legendary.  You have such depth and warmth.  I loved the intellectual talks.  You helped me to find my intellect again, where Javier had taken that from me.  You helped me see what an extraordinary man Jeremy was.  You helped me to go counseling and get help.  You are a blessing, though you were Athiest lol Thank you for always being respectful to Jeremy.  It showed your character and integrity.  You, sir have integrity....in volumes.  "Sue" is lucky to have you.  I hope she sees that.  I hope that my being gone helps her to see that and you two actually get in a good place in your marriage.  I only want you happy.  Because you deserve it, my dearest friend.  You are gift to the world.

Thank you...thank you readers...or whomever reads this.  The pains we go through in life are lessons that help us out.  I learned many on this journey.  I don't regret meeting "Sue and Joe".  And not all days were bad with "Sue".  I loved "Sue".  Anger doesn't resolve anything.  Anger only fuels combative behavior, and at its very worst...hate.

Sparklepuss, the pirate princess  may  have died yesterday. She died a magical fairy too.   But Jess is still here and the Queen emerges.  I am Jess, Queen...just Queen.

Bonus Blog

I felt generous about giving another blog.  I've been deciding on whether to retire as super hero Sparklepuss.  It means no pirate princess. But emerged a strong queen.  I am the royal to my domain.  And who I let in my kingdom.  I am a kind queen.  But when poked and bruised in a malicious manner I will do what any good queen will do.   I will let you destroy yourself.  You see.  I am a good queen because I take care of my kingdom.  My king is happy.  I work in my kingdom.  I put effort and pride on having my castle kept orderly.  It takes discipline.  And that discipline is derived from being strong enough when wars or attacks threaten my kingdom.  My kingdom was never in danger.  But when you attack with no real reason to, I don't wait for you realize your mistake.  I am a forgiving queen.  But even I have my limits.  I am proud of myself.  I have taken the higher road.  Am I angry? Yes.  Would I like to say choice words.  Yes.  But you can't argue with angry.  And nothing would be accomplished.  I would not be speaking to someone rational.  Honestly, I am confused about the anger and may never get a true answer.  But I realized for a while I couldn't really be honest with this person.  So was I really be authentic? And I should have seen the red flag when they threatened my health...on more than one occasion.  My problem is that I didn't address my boundaries.  I am a push over.  I have to work on that within myself.  But I am strong. And I will continue to heal inside.  The last few months were progress of healing.  I am emotionally bruised right now but I'll be okay.  I have Jeremy.  You know what my crazy husband said? Take all the time you need to mourn the loss.  My husband.  He is such a good man.  And he fiercely loves his wife.  And rather protective of her.  I thought about possessions today. And I had to let that go.  I didn't want to imagine.  That is something I am doing.  I am looking forward.  I don't play games.  And I refuse to be played with either.  I am not a play toy, as they so easily described as others.  It's easy for this person to name call.  I hadn't received the name call yet.  I always hurt when I heard them uttered for other people.  I felt guilty for keeping this secret but I just felt like it was none of my business.  I froze.  My MO.  I despise how my rape has hindered how I handle things.  When I don't know what to do....I do nothing.  And maybe that's the part of where I am a coward.  My health... My sanity means more.  I am too tired to fight.  I'd rather talk it out like a rational adult.  And when I do have emotions running I want someone who will ground me, someone with a good head on their shoulders to help me put logic to my emotions.  I am not saying I didn't make mistakes myself.  I am willing to hold myself accountable for not opening my mouth soon enough.  You want to love a person through their worst.  But sometimes you have to love yourself first.  And this is me taking care of myself first.  I pray for this person.  That the inner war that is within them finds resolve and peace.  I'm hoping that who they have next to them will help them find it.  I feel better writing this. I felt like I still had something to say.  Thank you for reading.  I wish I could stop the tears from falling.  But they will be there.

Consistent

This situation I am experiencing.  I was thinking about it last night.  I think about it around a certain time in the morning too.  Here's what I came up with.  If nothing else, I am consistent.  If I can help it, I am one of the most forthcoming people I can possibly be.  Is there a sense of lying by omission. Yes.  Unless you downright ask me a question directly, I am not going to offer information.  Although, if I am doing it, chances are it's because I'm protecting someone.  And right now, whether I should or not, I am protecting someone.  So with me not giving all the information, let me find a way around it because this is my blog...and I write about my thoughts.  Way back when I was trying to be friends with someone who is one of my best friends now, our journey didn't come easy.  We had actually been friends for years but an event in her life changed how I saw the authentic person.  That's something I like about people.  Them being their authentic self.  Here's what I don't like.  I don't like being deceived. Then again, who does.  And I don't like being a part of deceit.  That's why I do things so upfront it seems bizarre.  I mean, think about it...how do you keep up with the lies? I guess some people are better with lies and deceit then I am.  But this idea of authentic means I am going to be my consistent self.  And my consistency is I love with all of my heart and soul.  Sometimes that's "too much for someone".  Or sometimes it's something entirely out of my hands but nonetheless, I feel responsible and hold myself accountable.  Right now, my biggest struggle is being the source of dissent.  In my mind, I didn't actually do wrong.  I was upfront.  I didn't hide.  So that's part of it.  The other part is, I am done enabling someone.  I let someone step over my boundaries constantly and used kid gloves on them because I didn't feel they were at a place for me to really tell them the truth.  That they were a spoiled selfish person that bulldozed over people.  And then, I wondered if it was my place to say that.  So...I said nothing.  I encountered combative behavior when I did try to point out things.   I thought I was doing it out of love for a friendship.  Only, I realized selfishly, I was doing it out of not wanting to lose something precious.  And life doesn't work out that way.  I had always promised that if it came down to it I would understand being thrown under the bus.  I don't know if they ever got what I meant.  That I would sacrifice myself and walk away.  And while the person who wants to cut me off, did just that....I gave them the power to do that.  Because I wouldn't have.  My personality takes things like that.  I've been doing it for years.  Why was I going to stop now? Especially, if selfishly, I was still able to see the treasure.  So right now, I am relieved. I am sad. But I am relieved.  Because I realized a conversation had about choices.  Jeremy and I were talking about it this morning.  People make choices all the time.  And the choices being made here...funny enough I understand them.  And from a distance I will always support, always love, and always be here.  I don't know if I can say I respect them anymore.  But I am still working with what is selfish thoughts and what it in general feeling of sadness for someone being treated a certain way.  Again, my  husband pointed out...they chose to be treated like that.  And it's not my problem anymore.  I wondered if this could be fixed. You know just have space.  I even thought, people say things when they are mad.  But when you call me a coward and reference to me to a troll, I don't know if I can handle that.  And that wasn't the worst.  The worst is something I can't even write down.  It's not true.  It doesn't mean it wasn't hurtful and painful to read that someone I love said that. Or should I say loved.  Because I don't love them anymore after the things they said.   To me.  To the person who has been with them on this journey trying to help them find inner peace.  I have my health to worry about.  I still shook yesterday.  I haven't had a seizure but this experience has affected my health.  It's even affected my mental health because I took a step backward on my confidence.  I want to blame myself.  And in the end, I can't.  Because I did everything upfront. So authentic me right now is feeling something. Pain? Yes. But in a sense, a hardened part maybe.  I have to. Every day becomes another part of the point of no return.    Life happens.  Shit happens.  In all of this craziness there is a beautiful positive.  Jeremy.  Jeremy learned to become more emotionally available, or his version of it where I felt I could open up to him.  I've cried in front of him.  I've vented about this experience but not venting the feelings.  Venting if I can act, think, or be any different about the situation.  The answer is no. That's all I needed.  Jeremy is the best thing to ever happen to me.  And I am the best thing to ever happen to Jeremy.  This, I know now.  So, if nothing else, this painful situation helped Jeremy and I see what a rare love we have.  For this, I would do this experience all over again.

Process time

My new comfort food is pretzels and ranch.  Although, when I eat it now...inside I will be crying. So I don't know how much of a comfort it's going to be. Something in me died last night.  People say that.  And part of me over my life wondered if I felt that.  But last night, I felt a burst or a bust of something and some essence of me just...died.  I know it sounds bizarre.  And part of me can't even explain to you why that is.  In some ways, I'm tricking my brain that someone passed.  And if I trick my brain, my heart will follow.  External factors. Life happens.  Shit happens.  I can't even tell you the amount of pain that is residing in me right now.  I was getting to a point where my sparkle was starting to come out.  I think I took a step backwards in that light.  I'll smile.  But again, deep down I'll be crying.  I lost something precious to me.  I'm crying right now.  Jeremy was so wonderful.  He said to take as long as I wanted to cry.  Because he knew and knows what this means to me.  No matter what...Jeremy lets me be me.  And me right now is going to hurt so much inside, that I have knots.  I started shaking last night from all the stress.  But I didn't have a seizure.  I know you as my reader is probably so confused right now.  I wish I could yell to the hilltops what this pain is.  But it's my way of protecting.  That even in an emotional state, I am disciplined.  I know what this means.  I mourn the silence.  I mourn because I know.  When you know something...and you know in life you should have evidence and answers all the time....but you know because you just know.  In some ways, that is a great comfort.  And in some ways, that is the biggest heartache.  So process time....I remember a conversation about depression.  I honestly don't know if I ever have gotten depressed. I would think the answer is yes but I have not gone to the doctor for it.  But let's go with it...I might get depressed over this "situation".  I know what I am losing.  And it's huge.  This precious thing I'm losing is beautiful.  Like a diamond, very flawed.  But the radiance that shines within this thing is absolutely incredible to see.  I felt honored to be around this invaluable treasure.  So...as you can see...I likened it to someone passing.  I am a strange person, with a different way to view the world.  This is me, processing this information....the first day of the rest of my life with it.  I am strong.  So on the outside, I will seem like things are fine.  But those closest to me are already seeing my cracks.  But I am strong....and I will get through this. Because I have Jeremy.  My God.  I have Jeremy. Jeremy loves his wife, unconditionally.  I took that in last night as I was crying in his arms.  I'm sorry I am confusing today.  Just know.  When you lose something or someone, mourn that loss.  Allow yourself to process what you no longer will have. And then remember why you feel the mourn of that loss.  Because it was that precious to you....
PS. Barnes and Nobles is going to make me burst into tears for a a while.  How insane is that?

If someone ever asks what my happy place is, tell them it's Barnes and Nobles