The Universe smiled

Something amazing happened yesterday that made me think of coming full circle moments.  At the time time of the rape, I had no idea how life would unfold.  I hadn't realized the full effect of what something like that does to you.  It has literally taken me 20 years to process all of what it is.  I imagine between the Epilepsy, the developmental disability, and that...I needed that long to figure things out.  My confidence didn't help.  I was all kinds of a mess.  Strange part.  I didn't look the part.  Sure.  I have been living my life rather adventurous to probably escape the demons inside.  But not even those closest to me knew the turmoil inside.  I am letting that guard down to some loved ones.  My trust got a little muddled in the midst of the storm.   But now, now that the storm has passed so to speak...Now I see things clearer.  I have been working out every day.  I think in its own way that's been therapy.  I also have gained healing in some unexpected places.  I gained healing from two ex best friends, both male.  I really hadn't had male best friends since my college days at UTSA.  Sure...Justin (an ex boyfriend turned kinda best friend) was an integral part but being 4 years younger than me...never to the level of friendship did we ever go to that I would label best friendship.  And Aaron. Oh, Aaron.  Aaron has been a complicated character.  He could be considered one but he was so in and out of the friendship with me because of his illness that I look back and not sure exactly what our friendship entailed.  Often times, I felt on eggshells.  Wondering if I was doing the right thing.  Our friendship did stress me out.  And that's not how a friendship should be.  My two friends, whom I have rekindled friendship, however small they are helped me to gain insight and perspective.  On the situation...and me...on my life journey in general.  They have been game changer friends.  Their friendship impacted particular parts of my life.  Those particular parts of my life were life changing one way or another.  They shaped part of my future.  Even mindsets.  And yesterday, out of caring for me they helped me to get my head straight on.  And then, RN.  He is another friend turned boyfriend turned ex turned friend again years later that helped me to understand things about forgiveness, about pain, about truth, about how people part from each other, how life takes turns.  The Universe smiled at me.  And I smiled back.  In the grand scheme of things JB might have just been a small part of my story in order to gain healing on my life journey.  I had a conversation today saying I don't regret the friendship.  I also said I don't regret terminating the friendship.  One of the things I have come to appreciate from friends is how straightforward they are.  Granted, the honesty and bluntness can feel clumsy and the execution might hurt my feelings.  But it's your version of what you see.  I don't have to take it.  Or I can.  But I appreciate candor.  Even Jeremy's candor has a wonderful feeling to it.  As he says...it's not always pretty but it's what he is thinking.  There are no cryptics. There isn't lost in translation.  There is clarity and clarification.  I don't play games.  I don't beat around the bush.  That might be too much for some.  You can manipulate truth.  You can take my words out of context.  You can twists words.  But what I say...is what I mean.  And I know that about myself now.  I feel happy again.  I won't lie and say I don't miss my friendship.  It was a grand friendship.  But I need friends that can stand up and tell the truth.  And sometimes, some people just can't do that.  And that's okay.  It just means I need to remove you.  My health doesn't allow for the kind of stress I was putting on my body.  But there are laughs now.  There are lessons.  For example, don't ask this Epileptic to move sofas with  you.  I did it.  I had a seizure.  See? It's funny now.  I know I know. You're saying what the fruit loops, Jess??/!  I am still working on boundaries.  I can be too nice and accommodating for my own good.  I am still working on that.  But Jeremy is there to help me.  I hadn't realized that our friendship aspect of our relationship could get stronger.  He never ceases to amaze me.  And we have a funny about words of affirmations too.  I call them words of appreciation.  And he will just yell out..Words!!! Words!!! I love it.  Thank you, JB.  I will forever be grateful for you helping us have that.  I wish nothing but the best for you in your marriage.  Sometimes people come into our lives simply to have us learn.  They help us to grow as individuals.  As my friend Natalie said....some people are characters that have served their purpose in your life story.  I served my purpose in theirs.  It was time to leave.  They served their purpose.  It was time to leave.  This morning, as I was lying on Jeremy's chest...I just breathed in happiness.  I have this amazing individual as a husband...and a best friend.  Not just words.  He encompasses so much of what truth ...my truth means.  He gets me.  I love him ever so much more for it.  For accepting my craziness.  For accepting my journey.  For accepting...and loving me....just the way I am.  He loves me despite who I am...and because of who I am.  Hold on to that if you have it.  It's like air you breathe. Crimson Sky by Brian Crain is playing.

Gratitude

Gratitude turns what we have into enough. ~Author Unknown

What an interesting quote to come by.  When we do have enough in our life, there is a feeling of abudance.  And we become thankful of what surrounds us.  I must remember that gratitude also includes what I have within myself.  I am grateful for the life I have.  The hardships, the tears, and the struggles to get to where I am today.  That could mean on a healing level.  Or a personal level.  I am back as a house wife.  I don't think I do house wifing well.  I am too restless.  I am looking for work.  My friend, Ems is being helpful.  I also applied for 6 jobs yesterday.  I at least want to show Jeremy I am making an effort.  I do come at more of a disadvantage being out of the work force for so long.  And then the Epilepsy.  But I will do the best I can.  It's just part time.  I don't know if my body can handle full -time anymore.  I do have a possible idea on a story if I can just get an outline going to get the writing flow.  I am grateful to be able to work out every day.  it's been great therapy.  I clear my thoughts.  I sweat out the pain, so to speak as well! As evident of my previous blogs I was in emotional turmoil inside.  Now, I am back to my happy little self.  I am grateful for my strange coping mechanism of retraining the brain.  Will I have moments? Yes.  But I am at peace for my decisions.  I walked away with integrity.  And that's important to me.  I am grateful for lessons learned.  Maybe learned in harsh ways in life sometimes, which is not pleasant....but lessons learned nonetheless.  I am grateful for my friends.  My close ones.  And then those I haven't talked to in years.  The mere fact I was sad or just not my normal inspirational self was enough to have people put a smile on my face...whether they knew why or not.  That kind of kindness is beautiful.  It gave me hope on humanity at whole that we do have this kindness in us.  Beyond religion, politics, or any construct that separates us when it comes to values....someone did a gesture, because they cared.  I feel very overwhelmed by love.  Gratitude for meeting "L" and "J".  In happier times, it was a beautiful friendship, both of them.  They taught me a lot.  Gratitude for having such a supportive and loving husband.  Jeremy "gets" me.  That is such a beautiful thought.  And when he struggles with it, his love for me has him figure a way to "get" me.  No longer do I discredit things.  And when I falter and go to old habits....I have Jeremy and friends to remind me of my sparkle and shine.  I am once again that unicorn.  Not a princess, though.  And no longer Sparklepuss.  Much of that is retired because it's too closely related.  I needed to start a new.  Stronger...wiser.  But I still carry my magic.  I carry the encouraging words that made me realize I had something valuable to give to the world.  That I have a beautiful mind to share with the world.  That my thoughts matter.  I am grateful for being here one more day.  Call it spirituality.  Whatever you want to call it....I am grateful for walking this earth...one more day.  I not only have enough....I have more than enough.  Master piece by Joseph Akins ins playing.  So, world...find your gratitude.  That small positive energy grows...and grows...and maybe one day we can change the world...one positive thought at a time.  It can start small.  It starts with me today.  I may wish my life included working.  But at the core of everything, I am grateful for my husband to provide that I want to work.  Not that I have to work.  Maybe, in the future I will go back to volunteering.  I did love doing that.  On the health front.  My stress level is way back down again.  I haven't had a seizure in 3 weeks.  They weren't the big ones.  But even a hiccup as I used to call them still isn't a good thing in my book. Besides doing the right thing....I also did this for my health.  I can't easily bounce back.  My threshold is lower than it used to be.  I don't do well with chaos.  I do well with peace and quiet. And I know life isn't quite like that.  But in my world, peace and quiet is what I have.  There are consistencies in my life.  There is routine.  And I am grateful for that.

Tragedy

A couple of friends' moms passed this week.  One I didn't know but still affected because it was my friend feeling it.  The other, I did know the mom.  That one has affected me.  It gave me perspective on the trivial things in life.  I have an appreciation of little things right now.  I hug Jeremy more.  I appreciate something as small as him liking my posts.  That's a sweet thing.  It's his way being that emotionally available husband.  I see the goodness in him that maybe it was hard to see because I couldn't see the goodness in myself.  I got lucky enough to find my soulmate.  Jeremy is not what I expected....even this late in things.  He never ceases to amaze me on how amazing he can be.  Just when I think I got him figured out with things, he surprises me with the love he has for me...and it makes me love him even more.  And cherish him more.  Sounds silly...but hug that special someone.   Cherish them.  You never know.  *Hugs*

The strangest places

I have received support in the strangest of places.  Of course, my closest friends have been there. And Jeremy. But I received support in 3 places.  A former friend that I struggled with.  Thank you, "A".   Whatever we are doing....I have a new appreciation for things.  And I appreciate what you did when I brought you that drink.  The whole experience was unforgettable.  And your compassion was appreciated.  "JS"...you play a big part of my past.  We have been ex best friends.  We have stayed friendly.  We've never gone back to being what we were.  But through Facebook we still are part of each other's lives. And this week you helped me heal on losing a best friend..because one time I lost your friendship because of Javier.  I don't regret my journey.  RN.  You have been a good friend in my life.  You have also been a boyfriend.  And for many years hurt and other things didn't allow us to be able to be friends.  I am really happy we have rekindled our friendship.  I probably will never see you in my lifetime seeing how you are in another country! But I appreciate your words of encouragement. It helped me work through things.  Thank you for being such a good friend.  To give you an idea, RN probably saved my life.  Falling in love with him made me finally leave Javier.  I probably would've committed suicide.  I just recently told him about being raped.  He suspected but he never came out and directly asked.  Support came from strangest places.  I did doubt things about myself.  I did second guess myself.  A rape survivor does that.  Negative thoughts amplify and whether they are true or not they stick in the survivor's head.  But Jeremy, my friends, and the strangest of places friends pulled me out of my insanity, my own head.  I am a sensitive soul.  I do take on more. But not that I have clear head.  Now that I have calmed down from the storm of emotions...I realize that people who haven't learned how to control the rage inside because of their past are not going to be able to move forward.  I learned that I do have integrity.  I am me.  Good, bad, or Jess.  I am me.  What you see is what you get.  Perhaps, that is too much for some people.  I learned that Jeremy and I really do talk about everything and anything.  I love our candor.  It may not always be pretty.  But it's consistent.  I learned I don't like intense.  I'd been suggested to be a certain way, talk to Jeremy a certain way, get into therapy...you know...we are who we are.  Stop making us, you. It's not working anyways.  Both parties were guilty of that.  And I felt a sense of hypocrisy because they had problems.    I learned that when push comes to shove I believe in loyalty...even if it means I sacrifice something or someone that is dear to me.  I believe in truth.  Be truthful with yourself, your partner, and the world.  I'd rather get hurt by Jeremy by his truth than him not tell me.  And maybe that is what I came to appreciate from "A" and her truth.  I will give credit where credit is due.  And I will hold myself accountable for not finding a way to convey the struggle I had or have with people.  Not to say that people are complete angels.  But that I see my part in it.  And I will work from there.

A new way

Death is not the greatest loss in life. The greatest loss is what dies inside us while we live. ~Norman Cousins

What a quote.  I had a friend experience loss last night.  I can only imagine he/she and the heartache they were feeling.  I have experienced loss myself.  The biggest impacts were my Grandma Agness on my mom's side.  And Aaron.  Two very different ways that death came about.  But nonetheless for me, a feeling of loss from it.  I was extremely close to my Grandma.  Not a day goes by that I don't think about her in some way.  Before she died she told me that every time I saw one dime it would be her way of saying hi.  And like some crazy thing...when I need to feel something, hope, maybe? There's a dime in a most unexpected place.  Call me crazy.  But it it something I believe in.  And it makes me happy to know.  Aaron, on the other hand was less peaceful.  He took his life so already that abrupt and come out of nowhere loss still strikes me with shock.  Also, Jeremy and I were one of the last people to see him.  So that is always jarring to remember.  Although, now I see that as his way of saying good bye and we were lucky to be on that list.  You don't get to see them in person.  And that is very painful.  But they live within you.  They live within your memories.  I can see why they say break ups, termination of friendships, and divorces have that feeling too of loss like a death.  Rather the death of a person, it's a death of a relationship or friendship.  Back to this.  Today, as I have lunch with Jeremy I will enjoy the day.  I will enjoy that I was able to get up again.  That I have friends near and far that love me.  That while my health has been iffy the last few months that I am back on a better health bubble.  I am also working out every day.  It's not even to lose weight.  It's more of just being healthy.  Let me see how this way goes.  It's a new way.  And perhaps, that's exactly what I need.  A new way of a journey.

Dear Readers

Thank you.  I can't tell you what it means that you read my thoughts.  I am overwhelmed by it.  You come here for different reasons.  Even curiosity is acceptable for me.  The point is, you read.  I don't even know who you are.  I don't need to.  It makes me feel special.  That I sparkle.  That my intellect matters.  That I truly am this beautiful person with something to give to the world. That I matter. For years...say like 20? lol Sorry, Jared.  Laughter of discomfort is back.  For years, I doubted myself. I doubted my worth.  Today, and these days forward....I don't.  I am worth the trouble.  I do ask for wants and needs.  I do feel confident in my value and my contributions.  I look at Jeremy and feel such love and admiration for my insane thoughts.  I am me.  I am a fruit loop in the bowl of cheerios.  I won't let go of the sparkle.  It's the legacy I will keep going.  And maybe because I do, I help someone else find their sparkle, their value.  I see your depth.  I don't get to know it.  But your depth is there, readers because you seek something out of this blog.  You seek truth? Connection? Entertainment? I am quite entertaining.  I am unforgettable.  Support, maybe? I am an emotional cheerleader.  It used to be I was just that for my what I called tribe at the time.  Now, I hope to be that for you, the reader.  Whomever you are.  From Poland, to Portugal to Russia, to France, to Japan, to Romania, to Israel to UK to Ukraine, to Malaysia I..to the US.  I see your worth. If you are just one...or more than one, reader...thank you for reading.  You melt my heart because you read.  It's a validation that I need.  And it helps my confidence.  You matter to me, because in some way...I matter to you.  Kindness.  A gesture...Something...I wish that for us.  With all the crazy things happening in the world, I love to know or see kindness.  It's beautiful thing to feel. If I forgot a country, please forgive me.  It changes from time to time.  Thank you.

The takeaway

Whew.  It's been a week since Tornado Leah.  Since I spilled their real names I should stop hiding behind the names of "Sue" and Joe".  I have enough integrity to not reveal their last names.  There was a wonderful takeaway from all this.  This week, Jeremy has gone above and beyond as a husband...but as the best friend.  I lost a best friend.  I don't say best friends because I have never had a best friend text me or on some days talk to me like that.  As "A" and I discussed, not even on our worst days together did I get talked to like that.  In fact, I yelled, if anything.  I am taking accountability.  Regards to that.  I don't know where that road goes but I can tell you I gained perspective...all around.  Like I told her....you deserve this damn drink.  I had promised an action.  I digress.  When you're angry...I get that you might want to lash out.  But there is self control.  Also, you will regret the things you say. I noticed things now that even I am calmer.  Last week I had anger.  I was so hurt.  Not even by her.  By him.  I get loyalty towards your wife.  You're married.  There is a sense of needing to "take her side".  But I could have been a friend if you had giving me a heads up or warned me.  After all, at this point I was sticking around to help him.  She has acquaintance friends but really, there was me.  She bulldozed conversations that sometimes I just ended up listening.  It wasn't all bad.  We had good times.  At the time I enjoyed the erratic thoughts or as he called them bunny trails so I adopted that thought.  But I am a structured woman.  And when you don't call me or text  for almost an hour and you're late...and you don't apologize.  I was discrediting myself.  It's not like you're in a rush, Jess.  She had a rough childhood.  And I felt like maybe I didn't need to come on strong on about what could be trivial stuff.  Again, I realize I should have put my boundaries.  And it was becoming more difficult to watch her talk to him a certain way.  They assured me this is the way they talk.  And I tried to understand it.  Jeremy and I do tease each other. And in best friend we can get pretty dicey.  But no...this was more like insults.  And then when she described him to me in a less than favorable manner  I all but wanted to yell.  Was this a compliment or an insult?  And I don't know. Then the sofa incident.  There are so many little conversations and incidents I am reviewing that make me feel better about not having them in my life.  Both of them.  I was hurting about losing one of my best friends.  But I took a takeaway from that.  He butted in on my family dynamics regarding Thanksgiving.  I thought that was hypocritical since he can't seem to have a handle on his own family.  I suppose when you're an intellectual you can't see your own cracks.  I also wanted to be a good influence on the kids.  I didn't yelled when I got upset or frustrated.  I didn't call them morons or idiots.  I understood unorthodox things regarding parenting.  But using foul language like the kids did was bothersome.  So many reasons my presence was just not good there.  I am not (enter their last name).  And some ways they were trying to make me one.  I was Aunt Jess.  But then the idea of boundaries. Mine. Theirs or hers as she puts it.  Okay.  Let's assume I made boundary violations too.  You don't wait till you're mad at me to tell me how you really feel.  And call me a troll and coward.  And the worst one of all.  It wasn't true but it still hurt the same.  And that escalated from there.  By then she said she was done.  Perhaps she was just talking in the moment.  But I don't play stupid games.  Say...I need space.  But she doesn't have self control on her anger.  It's not easy when you have anger issues.  I am the first one to tell you it's been a journey.  But I learned by Jeremy how to channel it and how to not let things be so much of hang ups or get to me.  You also have to want to change.  I do feel guilty about having my own anger rant with Here's the thing blog but I was beside myself.  I have been honest saying yes, I did form feelings.  But as I tell you pass the salt, that is what I told him and her as just fact.  It was never in the sense of anything like I have like Jeremy.  And maybe my honesty was too much.  I assumed it was one sided until he confirmed they were reciprocated.  Again, just factual.  We continued our friendship.  We had awesome intellectual talks.  I learned.  He wanted to call in the morning.  I asked Jeremy if that was a problem.  He didn't see the problem.  Remember, he was the one having marriage problems.  What I should have done was be mindful of his marriage since he wasn't.  But I look back and this tornado would not have happened.  And honestly, it needed to.  We needed to not be friends.  They are too intense.  I was having too many seizures, some big...some small hiccups.  But it is chaotic and stressful.  And if you are my friend, you should be thinking about my health.  My other friends are very mindful of it.  They are also not selfish.  or self centered.  They are also adults if we have any conflict.  I put the cards on the table so there are no surprises.  I say what I mean.  I try to be as forthcoming and authentic as I possibly can be.  So if the takeaway is that I'm too much...then I'm too much.  My guess? I was a bad apple because I was a good apple.  I showed what a good marriage looks like.  A good wife looks like.  Even a good mother.  I'd start resenting me too.  This wasn't my house.  Word got back that maybe it was a temporary un friend.  But I don't play games.  And by then I was glad she had.  I hurt unfriending him.  But in order to be a good friend, a loyal best friend.....I had to.  I am not good for their marriage.  Any problems they have, let them have them without me there.  And like it or not, he was starting to probably feel in the middle.  Hence, my hesitation for having a married guy best friend now.  I look at my own mistakes on this.  But I wouldn't have done anything different.  And I second guessed myself so I asked Jeremy.  He said the same thing.  That really helped.  Getting his confirmation.  I respect Jeremy's opinion.  So from here....I woke up well rested.  I was erasing emails and noticed the time on my phone and laughed.  It was because that's the time he would call.  And I didn't even notice the time.  Those calls were more for him than me.  I enjoyed them.  Always wonderful intellectual talks.  We also shared personal things.  There was an emotional connection too.  But his personality is very...stoic ish.  If I remember in a good manner.  He is a good person.  He is very compassionate towards the world at large.  He's extraordinary at his job.  I gave him words of affirmation because it seemed he needed them.  And maybe I'm wrong.  Maybe they are frolicking in the sunset and I was the problem all along.  Either way, it's best I am gone.  Today, Jeremy will be giving back things they gave me or us like the shot glasses.  I didn't have the heart to give back the bear or the trinity knot velvet bag.  I am assuming not talking to him again in my life. I don't see him ever reaching out.  So I kept those two.  At the time they were meant in a genuine way.  He helped with healing.  My rape was hindering parts of me that I had no idea. I also improved my communication with Jeremy.  I have more confidence about the amazing woman I am.  So the takeaway is ....well...what you texted once, buddy.  We're Jared and Jess, best friends.  Something mere mortals could never understand.  lol In my mind, we will stay that.  Reality is different.  But the best of both us will be there.  I changed your perspective on  life.  and Likewise.  You were a game changer friend.  So thank you.  I revolt at pretzels and ranch now though lol.  Sighs. My sense of humor is still here.  Jeremy understands this.  I keep apologizing.  And he keeps telling me the same thing.,....You lost your best friend.  Cry all you want...for as long as you want.  I told him this morning. I'm okay.  I'm going to have and we finished the sentence together...moments.  But....I'm okay.  I received so much support this week.  Whether people knew the reason or not.  They just were there.  Even something as simple as still posting Harry Potter on Facebook because that was his thing.  I still get to, thanks to my friend Emily.    I am surrounded by love.  Who could ask for more?