Tuesday, December 22, 2015
Long friendships
I felt really old with a conversation where I was pointing out we had been friends for 22 years. But it made me think about surviving things with my friends. We have all had fights or fall outs. So what is it about these crazy long friendships that we stick it out. History? Mutual affection? I applaud the friendships I have, whether I see them all the time or just once a year. The idea that we are still trying to forge a friendship makes me happy. I have my close friends. But then I have friends who knew me with my maiden name. Or even my second married name. Sheesh. I am really admitting I have married 3 times. Third time is the charm! For me, being able to say I have been friends with people for over 5 years says something about us. That no matter the circumstances, we wanted to stay in each other's lives. I like that. It is a reflection of our character, I would think. So, to the old friends you have...smile. Appreciate what they bring to your journey. They play a big part of your journey. And sometimes, they might just remind you to get back on the journey and smile more. For they have seen you at your best...and worst. And sometimes you aren't like you were before. That doesn't change the meaningfulness of the friendship between ya'll. It just means that at this point in time, you're in a different space. And that's okay
Monday, December 21, 2015
Instead
Oh, the mishaps and adventures in life. I say that with a smile. Saturday could have been seen as perfect. And in some ways it was. But in a mishap sort of way. It's a story for sure. Instead, we have a story that makes us both laugh and enjoy that we have each other. Saturday was the Nutcracker. I was so excited for this date. I had been as a child but it was such a blur, it felt like going for the first time again. Also, I was excited about seeing ballet. I enjoy watching dance. I get lost when people dance. I get lost when I dance. It's a beautiful feeling, really. We went shopping earlier. And waited for a good time to start getting ready. or at least me. I asked for that bath. I know it sounds silly but something like that makes me happy. And since I can't do it alone I am happy that I feel confident enough to ask Jeremy. It was...surreal and intimate. No more details ;p You can let your imagination wander anyways. Not turning it into one of those romance novels. I am so happy, in general about being more confident about things. I am so happy being confidenct to ask for things I want. But also, being confident about my value. I still have my moments of self doubt, for sure. But I hold my head high. There is a sense of sassy frass from it. Like a sassiness. I like it! Jeremy seems to, as well. We tried to go to Landry's but 25 minutes turned more into 45 and it was getting close to the time for the show. Instead, we headed to the Tobin center. I remember it being at Lila Cockrell, back then but I imagined things had changed. We got scanned in. We got seated. But something felt wrong. I thought we were going to see ballet and the stage didn't look set up for it. I looked at our tickets to make sure...and there on the tickets, it said Lila Cockrell theatre. Mind you, it's now 7:22 p.m. We laughed, realizing our tickets got scanned in. And we were seated! So...Jeremy started the walking navigation and we were walking briskly. At one point, I had to do something I loathe to do....walk barefoot! Bu my heels were killing me. And as we were haugling a**, we were laughing. I told him...back in the day something like this would send me over the edge. I would have been so upset. Now...it just seemed like another adventure with him. And I do love my adventures with Jeremy. I realized something as were walking. It takes the right kind of partner to be able to go through life's little mishaps. And then the mishaps aren't so bad. You can get mad. But then all that stress inside builds toxins. And that isn't good for your health. And also not good for your mental health. When I was the more angry type of person, I was miserable. I would go from 0-60. I had a short fuse. Now, it brushes off me. I get frustrated. However, I just don't have the stress I had before...and that feels good. Instead, I often incorporate a sense of humor with it. Funny makes most situations quite bearable. Especially with the right partner. We were 10 minutes late. However, this is the funny part. So was the Nutcracker. We literally got in and sat down just as the Nutcracker was starting. So we missed nothing. Yah. The other mishap was losing some money. I was hoping to pay for dinner that night. I had bought the tickets when I still had a job. The money I had on hand was part of the money I had earned. And I lost it. But we ended up at Denny's. And we talked...and laughed...and bonded....and ate a banana split together. It was a beautiful night. Life will throw you curve balls. And they can really throw you off base. Trust me! I work on Zen mode but even I know that life is unpredictable. Instead, enjoy the little surprises and roll with the punches as best you can, with the best partner in crime you can find. A conversation with a friend of mine earlier in the week reminded me of how Jeremy has my back. That there is an unconditional love that sometimes you only find with blood relatives. Yet, here I have it with someone that isn't obligated to stick around. But that the love we have is beyond just that lovey dovey type. It's the through thick or thin...we're there for each other. We have each other's back. Being married to my best friend is one of the greatest feelings. It's surreal, actually. Thank you "DB" for that wonderful conversation. You really opened my eyes to things. So...what is the moral of the story? I don't know if I have one. All I know is when you have the right partner, even the things that go wrong, feel right.
Friday, December 18, 2015
Unicorns
The unicorn, she said, was a marvelous beast, shining with honor, wisdom and strength. Just to see him strengthened the soul. ~Megan Lindholm, "The Unicorn in the Maze," 1988
Why have such a fascination about a mythical creature? Honestly, I don't know why I wanted to be the unicorn so badly at the time. I do now. Magic, in its power holds something ethereal and beautiful. When you are trying to heal from your ugly past and turmoil, magic seems rather nice. For myself, being a unicorn allows me to capture the innocence of myself I don't have. What does that mean, really? I always joke I don't act my age and that has a particular truth to it. Parts of me feel stunted. I mask it often in my silly antics or goofy persona. But between the disability and what I was trying to mask with what happened I just didn't feel the grown up I was having to be. Sometimes I wonder if that is why my work life doesn't seem to have panned out. And sometimes I wonder if that is a problem at all. No...I didn't go off and accomplish great things in my professional life. Maybe that's not the point of my existence. I far exceed that in my personal life. I've reached people. I once asked why I was so damn special? Not in a discrediting but in a I don't see what you see. Some days I see what that person saw. Other days, I literally have a blank on my face and scratch my head...saying...I don't see it. But what I know is the depth I have. Whether you're a stranger or a friend you feel your value with me. No matter what you are doing. I possess some "magical" way of making YOU feel special. Sometimes it's by my words. I am a beautiful writer. I have been told that more than once. I have an eloquent style to my writing. Sometimes it;s by my smile. I smile with intention. I know my smile can brighten someone's day. Sometimes when I have done a selfie, it's not in a vain way. It's because that smile does something for someone else. Then, my warmth. There is a genuine affection I have for people. In this day and age when we are so fake about things, I can strategically show one emotion while feeling another. But that's surviving. I am that unicorn. That unique and special person that sparkles for others. After the storm...after the tears...after the after. After accepting that my reality looks different without a particular friend...I remember the conversations. I remembered the truth. And that is someone needed to show me what was hard for me to see for 20 years. I am this extraordinary person. I really am saying those things. Without a hint of irony. Jeremy has been quietly telling me this but unfortunately, my demons were quieting his voice and therefore, any roar he had. JB, on the other hand sort of called it kicking the ovaries and shoving through. We used to call it being a stubborn troll of a friend for each other. It's why I got so hurt being called a troll from LB. I thought she was digging into something in a hurtful way. And that really cut to my core. I meant no harm. But I do know some harm that I do. And I should have been aware of it. I'm...eye catching. Even with my weight gain...People...men...women...gravitate towards me. And maybe that orbit got too close for comfort. Maybe insecurities took over and a whole different reality was residing in a brain. I don't know the answers. I probably won't. In a matter of minutes I was losing one friendship...let alone two. But as soon as I saw what was happening I knew that I had to remove the other friendship. It's only right. I guess people go through certain grief after friendships. I had my own mourning when "A" and I parted. It's strange...I've come to appreciate her more and more...just the way she is. It's funny how perspective will change you. I'm sorry "A". Back to the Unicorn....every day can be a fight to ward off the demons. To ward off the pesky voices that say I am not enough. I am not good enough. I am not smart enough. And they're full of shit, really. Being married to Jeremy means having to keep up with an intellectual. I don't just say that because I am married to him. He is a very intelligent man and for years I couldn't for the life of me understand why he would want me. As it is, he's not one to have talks about what is great about me. That almost runs into the "feels". So I changed the strategy. He will correct or confirm things. So instead, I was saying things about myself and he would correct. And I also would correct him if I thought...You know I like that about myself or I don't agree with you there on that opinion of me. I am more confident in standing up to even Jeremy. That's a new thing. However, the old habits come back here and there. And that's why I fight every day to keep up that confidence. I am Queen Sparkles, the unicorn of silliness and all things glittery. My magic is still there. I just need a few HP points. I think I went gamer there. I still need some healing from all this. I would like this loss or hole feeling to go away. Realistically, I know that I have to deal with it. Intellectually, I am actually doing better and have moved on. Emotionally,...well...I'd be lying if I didn't sigh here and there. I don't cry anymore. I think a lot about things. I think about other parts of my journey in life. I think about this part of the journey. I think about Jeremy and his holding my hand through all of it. I think about Jeremy's protection of me. I think about Jeremy and I. We were talking about being rich. And that sometimes that type of wealth actually makes people more miserable. Hear me out. They have problems that money can't buy or take away. They don't address the problem because they use material things to mask the real problem. I kissed him the other day and said I am beyond wealthy. I have something invaluable. He kissed me back and smiled and said, "Yes, we do". And then massaged me. And held me. Jeremy is affectionate. But this side of him is a bit...new. And I appreciate him doing this. Being this man I needed. The emotionally available one. It makes me cry. Because I realize while I am a unicorn....so is he. Jeremy is one of a kind. His thinking. His ways. And I accept and love this beautiful man for the quirky wonderful way he is. Just as he does me. And he has my back. And it's not just lip service. Not just as a husband. But as a friend. As a Best Friend. While I was sighing on losing a best guy friend...I had one still right in front of me. And even better...it was my husband. And it made me wonder...maybe that's why I haven't had best guy friends. Maybe the test was to realize I don't need one. I keep getting lessons learned from experiences I have. That's the beauty of life. You are always in a classroom...learning. So today...be that unicorn. Yes, YOU. You have something special in you. Go figure out what it is. Go be the hero we all know you are. Because in the end, you are a gift to the world, most especially mine....whomever you are. The Quiet space is now you, the readers. The Quiet Place is now my blog, where I don't know you....and yet I do. Where there is a connection beyond anything I know...and yet I have no clue who reads this or why. And it's not for me to know. It's for me to reach you. It's for me to make you feel something. Something special. Something to think. Something to smile. Something to make you even cry. I've been told my tears are just as my beautiful as my smile. How about if I tell you that now. Your smile is radiant. Your tears are beautiful. Whatever is going on in your day...whatever troubles you have....You are a beautiful mess. Even the guys. :) If there are guy readers.
Why have such a fascination about a mythical creature? Honestly, I don't know why I wanted to be the unicorn so badly at the time. I do now. Magic, in its power holds something ethereal and beautiful. When you are trying to heal from your ugly past and turmoil, magic seems rather nice. For myself, being a unicorn allows me to capture the innocence of myself I don't have. What does that mean, really? I always joke I don't act my age and that has a particular truth to it. Parts of me feel stunted. I mask it often in my silly antics or goofy persona. But between the disability and what I was trying to mask with what happened I just didn't feel the grown up I was having to be. Sometimes I wonder if that is why my work life doesn't seem to have panned out. And sometimes I wonder if that is a problem at all. No...I didn't go off and accomplish great things in my professional life. Maybe that's not the point of my existence. I far exceed that in my personal life. I've reached people. I once asked why I was so damn special? Not in a discrediting but in a I don't see what you see. Some days I see what that person saw. Other days, I literally have a blank on my face and scratch my head...saying...I don't see it. But what I know is the depth I have. Whether you're a stranger or a friend you feel your value with me. No matter what you are doing. I possess some "magical" way of making YOU feel special. Sometimes it's by my words. I am a beautiful writer. I have been told that more than once. I have an eloquent style to my writing. Sometimes it;s by my smile. I smile with intention. I know my smile can brighten someone's day. Sometimes when I have done a selfie, it's not in a vain way. It's because that smile does something for someone else. Then, my warmth. There is a genuine affection I have for people. In this day and age when we are so fake about things, I can strategically show one emotion while feeling another. But that's surviving. I am that unicorn. That unique and special person that sparkles for others. After the storm...after the tears...after the after. After accepting that my reality looks different without a particular friend...I remember the conversations. I remembered the truth. And that is someone needed to show me what was hard for me to see for 20 years. I am this extraordinary person. I really am saying those things. Without a hint of irony. Jeremy has been quietly telling me this but unfortunately, my demons were quieting his voice and therefore, any roar he had. JB, on the other hand sort of called it kicking the ovaries and shoving through. We used to call it being a stubborn troll of a friend for each other. It's why I got so hurt being called a troll from LB. I thought she was digging into something in a hurtful way. And that really cut to my core. I meant no harm. But I do know some harm that I do. And I should have been aware of it. I'm...eye catching. Even with my weight gain...People...men...women...gravitate towards me. And maybe that orbit got too close for comfort. Maybe insecurities took over and a whole different reality was residing in a brain. I don't know the answers. I probably won't. In a matter of minutes I was losing one friendship...let alone two. But as soon as I saw what was happening I knew that I had to remove the other friendship. It's only right. I guess people go through certain grief after friendships. I had my own mourning when "A" and I parted. It's strange...I've come to appreciate her more and more...just the way she is. It's funny how perspective will change you. I'm sorry "A". Back to the Unicorn....every day can be a fight to ward off the demons. To ward off the pesky voices that say I am not enough. I am not good enough. I am not smart enough. And they're full of shit, really. Being married to Jeremy means having to keep up with an intellectual. I don't just say that because I am married to him. He is a very intelligent man and for years I couldn't for the life of me understand why he would want me. As it is, he's not one to have talks about what is great about me. That almost runs into the "feels". So I changed the strategy. He will correct or confirm things. So instead, I was saying things about myself and he would correct. And I also would correct him if I thought...You know I like that about myself or I don't agree with you there on that opinion of me. I am more confident in standing up to even Jeremy. That's a new thing. However, the old habits come back here and there. And that's why I fight every day to keep up that confidence. I am Queen Sparkles, the unicorn of silliness and all things glittery. My magic is still there. I just need a few HP points. I think I went gamer there. I still need some healing from all this. I would like this loss or hole feeling to go away. Realistically, I know that I have to deal with it. Intellectually, I am actually doing better and have moved on. Emotionally,...well...I'd be lying if I didn't sigh here and there. I don't cry anymore. I think a lot about things. I think about other parts of my journey in life. I think about this part of the journey. I think about Jeremy and his holding my hand through all of it. I think about Jeremy's protection of me. I think about Jeremy and I. We were talking about being rich. And that sometimes that type of wealth actually makes people more miserable. Hear me out. They have problems that money can't buy or take away. They don't address the problem because they use material things to mask the real problem. I kissed him the other day and said I am beyond wealthy. I have something invaluable. He kissed me back and smiled and said, "Yes, we do". And then massaged me. And held me. Jeremy is affectionate. But this side of him is a bit...new. And I appreciate him doing this. Being this man I needed. The emotionally available one. It makes me cry. Because I realize while I am a unicorn....so is he. Jeremy is one of a kind. His thinking. His ways. And I accept and love this beautiful man for the quirky wonderful way he is. Just as he does me. And he has my back. And it's not just lip service. Not just as a husband. But as a friend. As a Best Friend. While I was sighing on losing a best guy friend...I had one still right in front of me. And even better...it was my husband. And it made me wonder...maybe that's why I haven't had best guy friends. Maybe the test was to realize I don't need one. I keep getting lessons learned from experiences I have. That's the beauty of life. You are always in a classroom...learning. So today...be that unicorn. Yes, YOU. You have something special in you. Go figure out what it is. Go be the hero we all know you are. Because in the end, you are a gift to the world, most especially mine....whomever you are. The Quiet space is now you, the readers. The Quiet Place is now my blog, where I don't know you....and yet I do. Where there is a connection beyond anything I know...and yet I have no clue who reads this or why. And it's not for me to know. It's for me to reach you. It's for me to make you feel something. Something special. Something to think. Something to smile. Something to make you even cry. I've been told my tears are just as my beautiful as my smile. How about if I tell you that now. Your smile is radiant. Your tears are beautiful. Whatever is going on in your day...whatever troubles you have....You are a beautiful mess. Even the guys. :) If there are guy readers.
Thursday, December 17, 2015
Zen
I went to the Doctor today. Nothing serious. It was my 6 month follow up. What I found interesting was that my blood pressure was up. And my nerves are finally done being shot. I spoke to my Neurologist about removing stress. I also have been working out. Now strangely and a little TMI for you...I am having a very natural thing that most females go through but not me. Because of PCOS it's like a ghost. She also attributed that to the amount of stress I was under. That sort of really put into perspective. What I had been doing to my body. The amount of stress I was allowing myself to be under. I actually made a joke because I realized one is in health care and one has been counselor. And yet, in their space my health was detrimental. How, Jess? How do you put yourself in a situation that you can't figure out that your body is feeling like pins and needles poking at you. Yelling at me now triggers bad things. Yelling in general is not good for me to be around. Jeremy and I don't yell. I always thought it was because he was an intellectual but now I see my husband understood that yelling was not good for my health. Even if it was me yelling. It drains me. Call me a coward. I really don't care. I won't fight. I'll just walk away. I'll just remove you. It's survival mode. I have mild anxiety. I have tried really hard to keep it mild. I try not to let things overwhelm me. I find ways for my stress to be released. I am constantly working on my Zen. It's like the Hulk, only instead of anger it's anxiety. But trust me, anger resides there too. I just don't have much of it anymore. Not even for Javier. I pity the asshole. I pity anyone that doesn't see the value in me. Because I am a bowl full of love. I'd rather be this happy go lucky girl. But if I have to protect myself, then I will summon Genna. At least I can have my personality aspects back. They had a stabbing party within the last two weeks handing the aspect I used to bunch them together to make Sparklpuss. My mind is an intriguing but slightly disturbed place sometimes. But I am downright adorkable. So there is that. So...my zen. Music is so my zen. Zen coloring is my zen. Writing poetry is my zen. Beautiful conversations with friends is my zen. Snuggling and ... and spending time with Jeremy is my zen. A bath is my zen. I can't have them because I am Epileptic. I have to have someone supervise me. But since I felt like I would burden Jeremy I wouldn't ask. Until now. Baths are calming and relaxing. I am a ball full of anxiety sometimes. Those little rascals of demons are manipulative little bastards. And I constantly work on shutting them down. They never really go away. But with enough positive things and outlets I can keep them at bay. So my zen is back. I missed my zen. Oh, how I missed my Zen.
Wednesday, December 16, 2015
Learning
You learn something every day if you pay attention. ~Ray LeBlond
You learn something new every day. You hear it all the time from people. But the cliche is there for a reason. My classroom is life. I have learn about different perspectives. I have learned how people cope with struggles, happiness, and other life lessons in different ways. I have learned what I like in people I love...and what I don't like. I have learned who I am at my core, just a little more. I like myself....no correction. I love myself. I learned to be able to say that to myself...and mean it. There is a confidence about me that wasn't there before. I learned that people come in and out of your life to help you grow and learn. That life might be one big chess game and there is a test in all of this. I don't know what I am being asked, but the answer is being myself, whomever that is. Lessons like stay true to yourself make so much more sense as you get older. Something about getting older makes you think about the life lessons more. Perhaps because we think about mortality more as we get older. I don't have regrets. I have lived life. However, I am grateful that I am on this Earth another day. I try to live my life with purpose. It won't be the legacy of what great job I had. My legacy is the warmth and depth I give people. That shine...and sharing it with the world. My legacy will be sharing that sparkle with the rest of the world...one smile at a time. I recognized that as I got my haircut. I made the hair stylist's day. She actually said...I made her feel important. I like making people feel like. I know my own power if I give myself the chance. If i look deep inside for that confidence...I know that sparkle holds power. I just gotta keep up the confidence. Luckily, I will ask for help from my loved ones to remind me of my sparkle. I will ask for wants and needs. And this both. I want to keep my confidence up. And I need to to that in order for my sparkle to continue. Those self doubt moments are so annoying. But as I was helping a friend out yesterday on something I realized the advice or take I was giving her was something I need to consider myself. Some people cannot handle strong people. They run away from truth and strength because these things are big. They come with much power. And when people have this they feel more empowered and less "chained" from their enslavement of thoughts and negativity. But we are constantly bombarded by negativity. It is up to us to keep up that positive outlook. And with help we can. Reach out when you feel the negative come on. We all have them. Even the best of us. That is something I learned from Jeremy. Even someone as confident as him has moments of doubt. You would think I knew that but you know me....theory and confirmation. Hearing it confirms it for me. I was appreciative of him revealing that kind of truth. I know Jeremy is not one to really reveal something like that lightly. But again, he is making an effort to open up more. And I love him more for it. The one area that seemed missing isn't anymore. I actually feel whole. I felt whole before but I think it was under a false pretense. Here...I feel an authentic whole. And it feels good. I sleep better. That's how I know there is a sense of whole. I sleep better. Somehow, I have quieted the thoughts and slowed them down. Learning opens your mind up. Learning helps you to understand yourself and others just a little bit more. Learning is connection. Learning....is life.
You learn something new every day. You hear it all the time from people. But the cliche is there for a reason. My classroom is life. I have learn about different perspectives. I have learned how people cope with struggles, happiness, and other life lessons in different ways. I have learned what I like in people I love...and what I don't like. I have learned who I am at my core, just a little more. I like myself....no correction. I love myself. I learned to be able to say that to myself...and mean it. There is a confidence about me that wasn't there before. I learned that people come in and out of your life to help you grow and learn. That life might be one big chess game and there is a test in all of this. I don't know what I am being asked, but the answer is being myself, whomever that is. Lessons like stay true to yourself make so much more sense as you get older. Something about getting older makes you think about the life lessons more. Perhaps because we think about mortality more as we get older. I don't have regrets. I have lived life. However, I am grateful that I am on this Earth another day. I try to live my life with purpose. It won't be the legacy of what great job I had. My legacy is the warmth and depth I give people. That shine...and sharing it with the world. My legacy will be sharing that sparkle with the rest of the world...one smile at a time. I recognized that as I got my haircut. I made the hair stylist's day. She actually said...I made her feel important. I like making people feel like. I know my own power if I give myself the chance. If i look deep inside for that confidence...I know that sparkle holds power. I just gotta keep up the confidence. Luckily, I will ask for help from my loved ones to remind me of my sparkle. I will ask for wants and needs. And this both. I want to keep my confidence up. And I need to to that in order for my sparkle to continue. Those self doubt moments are so annoying. But as I was helping a friend out yesterday on something I realized the advice or take I was giving her was something I need to consider myself. Some people cannot handle strong people. They run away from truth and strength because these things are big. They come with much power. And when people have this they feel more empowered and less "chained" from their enslavement of thoughts and negativity. But we are constantly bombarded by negativity. It is up to us to keep up that positive outlook. And with help we can. Reach out when you feel the negative come on. We all have them. Even the best of us. That is something I learned from Jeremy. Even someone as confident as him has moments of doubt. You would think I knew that but you know me....theory and confirmation. Hearing it confirms it for me. I was appreciative of him revealing that kind of truth. I know Jeremy is not one to really reveal something like that lightly. But again, he is making an effort to open up more. And I love him more for it. The one area that seemed missing isn't anymore. I actually feel whole. I felt whole before but I think it was under a false pretense. Here...I feel an authentic whole. And it feels good. I sleep better. That's how I know there is a sense of whole. I sleep better. Somehow, I have quieted the thoughts and slowed them down. Learning opens your mind up. Learning helps you to understand yourself and others just a little bit more. Learning is connection. Learning....is life.
Tuesday, December 15, 2015
Theories
Theories are private property, but truth is common stock. ~Charles Caleb Colton
Theories were an interesting topic last night with a conversation I was having. It was pointed out as an observation that a person like myself finds difficulty in theories. Because of certain things in my past, I live with a built insecurity that I constantly battle to ward off. Where Jeremy used to be quieter on the front about words of affirmations, in his own way he is validating and quieting those fears. He just does in Jeremy flair. I used to have Javier's voice in my head. Then I had Jeremy's and JB's. What I did was change the voice. It's still JB's words. He was trying to help with my self doubt and my insecurities. So instead, it's my voice....with his words. And that is a theory I had. What if all this was a test of me being able to stand on my own...with my own voice...in my head. I've never done that theory before. Actually use my own voice. I simply didn't believe my insight, my thoughts mattered. I think what helps is that JB and I were so alike. lol Sometimes it felt like me...in male version. I imagine that's why we clicked so well. I didn't confirm much. Sometimes silence was our answer. And that's the problem with theories. I can't work on a theory. My insecurity is what if I have the answer wrong. What if I have this all wrong in my head. What if I read things wrong? It's the reason I clarify. I want to confirm my thoughts. It's why clarification is one of my favorite words and things. You know exactly what is being said. There is no lost in translation. This quote reminded me that truth can be manipulated to many forms. But what the truth represents is a raw story of an action that really happened. Truth often gets muddled in life, the world. We build a whole industry around bending the truth of what beauty really is. Truth is beauty. Authenticity, which in part is truth, is beauty. So yes, theories are great...but like it states...they are private property. People have different opinions on the same subject. I have often stated...if you're going to accuse me...accuse me right. I don't live life by a certain code because I am some girl scout or something. I live my life by a certain code because there is stress in lying to myself or others. I used to lie to myself all the time. It got exhausting. Another conversation involved explaining how I have held in so much in the last 20 years. That, even those closest to me, had no idea of some of the turmoil and pain residing in me. But like confession or something...I blehed...It's what I call venting it all out. I Blehed...and I got it all out. I liken it to the guy from the green mile who has flies or something come out of his mouth. Yeah...toxins...something just escape me from letting it all out with people I love and trust. Now...I do have to reset on the trust thing. L and JB did a number with me on trust. But luckily, I have two other best friends that are helping to squelch those trust issues. Dear one and Sweet Friend (although sometimes I find myself calling her dear friend too) both are supportive in helping me realize that my integrity is in place. I try to have integrity. It's part of my core. Like I said. I am not trying to be a girl scout. It's just my code. It's how I live life. And it's worked with Jeremy and I. I love our code. Something changed for us. A new appreciation for each other? An appreciation for things peaceful again? I used to come home stressed and sometimes crying. I was trying to keep up being strong. But that much chaos was messing with me. It wasn't even regular family chaos. I've been around parents and kids to remember families have chaos. I've talked to moms who explain the chaos. Nooooo....this was something else. And that was what stressed me out. It's nice to not have my nerves shot anymore. So clarification is good. Theories are great but they are just that. Theories. You can't really confirm them. And if you can't confirm that theory, then it might not be the right answer. And then you might be living your life on a lie...and you didn't even know it.
Theories were an interesting topic last night with a conversation I was having. It was pointed out as an observation that a person like myself finds difficulty in theories. Because of certain things in my past, I live with a built insecurity that I constantly battle to ward off. Where Jeremy used to be quieter on the front about words of affirmations, in his own way he is validating and quieting those fears. He just does in Jeremy flair. I used to have Javier's voice in my head. Then I had Jeremy's and JB's. What I did was change the voice. It's still JB's words. He was trying to help with my self doubt and my insecurities. So instead, it's my voice....with his words. And that is a theory I had. What if all this was a test of me being able to stand on my own...with my own voice...in my head. I've never done that theory before. Actually use my own voice. I simply didn't believe my insight, my thoughts mattered. I think what helps is that JB and I were so alike. lol Sometimes it felt like me...in male version. I imagine that's why we clicked so well. I didn't confirm much. Sometimes silence was our answer. And that's the problem with theories. I can't work on a theory. My insecurity is what if I have the answer wrong. What if I have this all wrong in my head. What if I read things wrong? It's the reason I clarify. I want to confirm my thoughts. It's why clarification is one of my favorite words and things. You know exactly what is being said. There is no lost in translation. This quote reminded me that truth can be manipulated to many forms. But what the truth represents is a raw story of an action that really happened. Truth often gets muddled in life, the world. We build a whole industry around bending the truth of what beauty really is. Truth is beauty. Authenticity, which in part is truth, is beauty. So yes, theories are great...but like it states...they are private property. People have different opinions on the same subject. I have often stated...if you're going to accuse me...accuse me right. I don't live life by a certain code because I am some girl scout or something. I live my life by a certain code because there is stress in lying to myself or others. I used to lie to myself all the time. It got exhausting. Another conversation involved explaining how I have held in so much in the last 20 years. That, even those closest to me, had no idea of some of the turmoil and pain residing in me. But like confession or something...I blehed...It's what I call venting it all out. I Blehed...and I got it all out. I liken it to the guy from the green mile who has flies or something come out of his mouth. Yeah...toxins...something just escape me from letting it all out with people I love and trust. Now...I do have to reset on the trust thing. L and JB did a number with me on trust. But luckily, I have two other best friends that are helping to squelch those trust issues. Dear one and Sweet Friend (although sometimes I find myself calling her dear friend too) both are supportive in helping me realize that my integrity is in place. I try to have integrity. It's part of my core. Like I said. I am not trying to be a girl scout. It's just my code. It's how I live life. And it's worked with Jeremy and I. I love our code. Something changed for us. A new appreciation for each other? An appreciation for things peaceful again? I used to come home stressed and sometimes crying. I was trying to keep up being strong. But that much chaos was messing with me. It wasn't even regular family chaos. I've been around parents and kids to remember families have chaos. I've talked to moms who explain the chaos. Nooooo....this was something else. And that was what stressed me out. It's nice to not have my nerves shot anymore. So clarification is good. Theories are great but they are just that. Theories. You can't really confirm them. And if you can't confirm that theory, then it might not be the right answer. And then you might be living your life on a lie...and you didn't even know it.
Monday, December 14, 2015
Confidence
Confidence comes not from always being right but from not fearing to be wrong. ~Peter T. McIntyre
I ran across this quote. That self doubt really can consume your thoughts. The past two weeks I think I was letting old habits return. Conversations in my head. Actions being taken. I even started in on things past two weeks ago. And then a conversation with a friend really brought it to light. When deep in my heart I knew Javier's words were wrong but I didn't have the confidence to prove them I had my self doubt. I have self doubt further than that. The voices of them. I have never understood how blood can tear down blood. It boggles me, actually. So by the time Javier was with me, I just assumed I was wrong. Another conversation with Jeremy also helped me to understand that many people, even the ones that seem so confidence have inner fears. They just hide it better. No one wants to show that fear. Why is that? Is it because we are afraid of the judgement of not having things together? Does not always having your "shit" together seem like a weakness? For me, that's what it feels like. This feeling of feeling like a fraud. Let me explain that. People say beautiful things about me. Whether it's my beauty or sparkle. Whether it's my warmth. Whether's it's my insight. Now, strangely my physical attributes I have not questioned. I am more of a full figured woman. I am voluptuous. I actually take pride in it. Probably because my proportions seem favorable in a symmetry way. But as soon as someone tries to give me a compliment on my intellect, I don't know whether to believe them. Or see value in me in such a way that I am this extraordinary person. That confidence struggle is there. Most people, I imagine have that in general. I am willing to critique someone and give them my feedback. But I do find a way to positively spin that. I don't like the idea of being mean. I don't see the point in malice. My confidence had been struggling probably because I was doubting certain things, certain actions. I stopped Saturday. It's like all of it came back and I realized. I was right. I am not crazy. I received the validation I needed in order to not feel that. And suddenly my confidence came back. I will make mistakes. I still struggle with communication skills with Jeremy. But I don't wither back into my state of being intimidated. This time, I just try again and find a way to convey my message. Every couple has a struggle of things they have to overcome in their relationship. What probably happens is that couples tend to show to the world all is well and good. I won't air if Jeremy and I are struggling in public. Blog, yes...because there is an odd sense of privacy. But in person, I won't air. But there is a genuine playfulness that even if we are struggling...we love each other. We came to the conclusion that literally there isn't anything that would send us to divorce We would be upset with each other. But that's not an option. We made a commitment. We love each other. We will figure it out. And the part of being so candid comforts me that long before we would ever get to that point at all...we would be talking about. I can't imagine not telling Jeremy things. I am not preaching and saying that people do or do not have to do this. All I know...is that by doing this, it has saved so much heartache. I also realized I actually like my husband. I love him..but I honestly...like him. He is a bit hard on the edges sometimes. His bluntness is certainly not sugar coated. But I like him. And he makes me feel safe. This world can be cruel. And I feel protected by Jeremy. And loved. That no matter what life brings us....we have each other. Because he has my love. Does he ever :)
I ran across this quote. That self doubt really can consume your thoughts. The past two weeks I think I was letting old habits return. Conversations in my head. Actions being taken. I even started in on things past two weeks ago. And then a conversation with a friend really brought it to light. When deep in my heart I knew Javier's words were wrong but I didn't have the confidence to prove them I had my self doubt. I have self doubt further than that. The voices of them. I have never understood how blood can tear down blood. It boggles me, actually. So by the time Javier was with me, I just assumed I was wrong. Another conversation with Jeremy also helped me to understand that many people, even the ones that seem so confidence have inner fears. They just hide it better. No one wants to show that fear. Why is that? Is it because we are afraid of the judgement of not having things together? Does not always having your "shit" together seem like a weakness? For me, that's what it feels like. This feeling of feeling like a fraud. Let me explain that. People say beautiful things about me. Whether it's my beauty or sparkle. Whether it's my warmth. Whether's it's my insight. Now, strangely my physical attributes I have not questioned. I am more of a full figured woman. I am voluptuous. I actually take pride in it. Probably because my proportions seem favorable in a symmetry way. But as soon as someone tries to give me a compliment on my intellect, I don't know whether to believe them. Or see value in me in such a way that I am this extraordinary person. That confidence struggle is there. Most people, I imagine have that in general. I am willing to critique someone and give them my feedback. But I do find a way to positively spin that. I don't like the idea of being mean. I don't see the point in malice. My confidence had been struggling probably because I was doubting certain things, certain actions. I stopped Saturday. It's like all of it came back and I realized. I was right. I am not crazy. I received the validation I needed in order to not feel that. And suddenly my confidence came back. I will make mistakes. I still struggle with communication skills with Jeremy. But I don't wither back into my state of being intimidated. This time, I just try again and find a way to convey my message. Every couple has a struggle of things they have to overcome in their relationship. What probably happens is that couples tend to show to the world all is well and good. I won't air if Jeremy and I are struggling in public. Blog, yes...because there is an odd sense of privacy. But in person, I won't air. But there is a genuine playfulness that even if we are struggling...we love each other. We came to the conclusion that literally there isn't anything that would send us to divorce We would be upset with each other. But that's not an option. We made a commitment. We love each other. We will figure it out. And the part of being so candid comforts me that long before we would ever get to that point at all...we would be talking about. I can't imagine not telling Jeremy things. I am not preaching and saying that people do or do not have to do this. All I know...is that by doing this, it has saved so much heartache. I also realized I actually like my husband. I love him..but I honestly...like him. He is a bit hard on the edges sometimes. His bluntness is certainly not sugar coated. But I like him. And he makes me feel safe. This world can be cruel. And I feel protected by Jeremy. And loved. That no matter what life brings us....we have each other. Because he has my love. Does he ever :)
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