Skittish

I hadn't realized until today that I am skittish on certain experiences now.  I actually admitted that someone broke my spirit.  It takes a lot to do that.  I am slowing coming back to my shine.  It's easy enough to do it online.  But in person, I am more mellow of things.  I am actually hesitant on making new friends, which is a first for me.  Maybe one day, I will be that crazy flamboyant personality.  For now, mellow me resides.  And I'm okay with that.  Skittish. Yeah. That's me right now.

We're really here

We're really here.  31st of December.  Thanks for sticking it out.  I dubbed a saying.  Those who are still there, still care.  Which is not entirely accurate.  Sometimes caring also means not being there.  It's an odd sort of logic but I get it.  It makes sense to me.  But on some senses, it does ring true.  People who have stuck it out with you this year...whether family, friends, or a significant other...Bravo.  There are stories to those who haven't.  There was a death earlier this year that certainly left a linger.  My grandpa in law passed away.  I've been in this family (Kearney) for 10 years now.  I didn't quite have the Grandpa experience.  Ironically enough, today is also the death anniversary of my abuelito.  While I mourn his death, I can't quite say I had the grandpa experience there either.  So I took Grandpa Jim's passing hard, just as much as Jeremy.  Then there was new beginnings. One of my closest friends got married.  My involvement in her wedding was like a testament to "Thanks for us sticking it out, together!" Jeremy and I went on a cruise.  And it was important.  Because it got me over my hang up of Mexico.  I had a silly hang up about Mexico because I can't speak Spanish.  So what better way to throw myself into my hang up.  It was a beautiful experience.  Jeremy and I celebrated 20 years as friends and 10 years as a couple this year.  I met CC.  Javier's ex wife, whom is now a wonderful friend.  I rekindled a couple of friendships that were game changers in my past.  I also lost a couple of friends that were game changers.  In the grand scheme of things though...I realized that the latter, while important in my journey did not compare to the first two.  So while I mourned the loss....I didn't mourn it as much because the first two were monumental friendships.  Jeremy and I seemed on a new level this year with our marriage.  A good way!! :) And our friendship, oddly enough.  That new change is what makes losses this year more meaningful.  This new level with Jeremy brought me to a new appreciation.  Perhaps the biggest change was within myself. I stuck it out...with myself.  I finally gave myself the chance to really heal.  To really emerge with confidence.  To really see the butterfly, the unicorn, the queen behind all this pain.  We're really here.  I can't wait to see what this next year brings.  Whether God or the Universe (depending on my mood, I suppose) I thank one of them for another year on this planet.  And I hope I have another year for adventures and experiences.  It almost sounds morbid.  However, once you reach a certain age...mortality does seem to cross your mind.  You wonder about your choices. You wonder about regrets.  I don't have regrets.  I wouldn't be here, with Jeremy if I tried to change anything.  And Jeremy. He takes on my craziness with such ease.  I'm sure it's not easy handling my squirrel trails.  But he loves me.  And so that love means following me on my journey.  Hand in hand...metaphorically...and physically.  Likewise....Sticking it out with Jeremy.  The unconditional love that we have is a nice wonderful protective safe feeling.  Think about those who have stuck it out with you this year.  Smile.  If they're still there... they care!!! lol  Happy New Year. Gott Nytt Ar (Swedish), and Feliz Ano(insert little accent) Neuvo  We're really here.

Cray cray

I just finished watching a show of Law and Order: Criminal Intent about a woman obsessed. She was cray cray. It's a show but there are people that are cray cray or obsessed. Aren't you glad we lead nice boring lives? Even the more adventurous things we do aren't cray cray. Squirrel trail. Have an awesome day. Blame the miagrane I had earlier. 

be yourself

To be nobody but yourself in a world which is doing its best, night and day, to make you everybody else means to fight the hardest battle which any human being can fight; and never stop fighting. ~e.e. cummings, 1955

Be yourself.  What wonderful words.  That is easier said than done in our society.  We are constantly being bombarded by signals and signs that tell us otherwise.  Sometimes, being yourself also means standing alone.  Or with very few.  And that's okay.  Because if you are being true to yourself...you are doing the best thing for you.  You are being beautiful you.  You are being messy and magically wonderful you.  And that form comes in so many different ways.  There isn't a one size fits all.  There shouldn't have to be.  Be you.  You is enough.  You is more than enough.  It's fantastic, actually.  Be yourself.  I, at 38, almost turning 39 in less than a month...am finally understanding this concept and actually living by it.  Be yourself.  Because if you aren't...you will be miserable.  Maybe not today...maybe not tomorrow.  But every day you pretend to be someone you aren't...you will feel it eat at you.

Courage

Every man has his own courage, and is betrayed because he seeks in himself the courage of other persons.  ~Ralph Waldo Emerson

This quote stuck out today.  That's what I have been doing.  I seek myself the courage of other people.  And it comes in validation.  Granted, positive feedback is important.  And good.  But my opinion, alone should be enough.  I have a migraine so this isn't going to be much of a post.  But at least know to go have courage with the thoughts and values you have.  You are enough.  Go get em, tiger!

Perhaps a tangent

Honestly, anything with me could be construed as a tangent. lol I do go off on squirrel trails.  Although, I do my best to keep focus on subject or things at hand.  Perhaps, a tangent...this entry still applies.  A conversation this morning struck up so many other thoughts in my mind.  I was thinking about perception, perspective, and finally about saying things on my mind, just to get them out of my head.  That's something I didn't quite do before.  I tried but I always seemed to come off of it with feelings.  Now, I approach them as a subject to be broken down.  The approach has been different.  And so here I was this morning, having another one of my wonderful morning talks with Jeremy.  I talked about a strange dream I had.  Random people can sometimes invade your dreams.  And you have to wonder exactly what that means, if anything.  But after that, I was thinking about perspective.  Perhaps I was thinking of that line of thought because my tradition is to watch It's a Wonderful Life today.  And certainly, a movie like that can bring perspective.  I was also thinking of clarification and authentic too.  I have a favorite words list where some words just make me happy, so to speak.  I like how they play out annunciation wise and then, by meaning.  I almost took a break from the blogging.  And then thought...why not? Why not have an entry today? Some will have wonderful memories today and tomorrow.  And some will not.  I know of one such friend today.  I imagine because of military things, military doesn't really take a break.  But in general, it made me think of the other people that don't take a break, simply because there is a holiday.  Life happens.  Funny how that saying took on a life of its own and has had such mileage.  Ah. Some phrases have definitely had mileage.  But back to perhaps a tangent being made.  I don't know what you are doing today.  I don't know what your day will be like.  But know...you're not far from my mind, blog world.  You cover the quiet spaces of my life.  You cover a Quiet place in my life.  Where my thoughts have some wonderful, strange, and curious value.  So..today...as you go about your day...I am thinking of you.  You are my present.  This quiet place I put my thoughts.  I hope I positively impact your life, somehow.  Whether by Facebook, my blog, or in person.  Somewhere, somehow...I want my "magic" as a friend used to say to affect you.  Now that I am aware of it, I should continue to create that magic and let it live on.  It's not easy sometimes letting my beautiful qualities out.  I bombard myself with negative ones constantly.  But I have ammunition now.  I have my voice.  I have Jeremy's.  I have those who see my value and tell me.  And then I find myself again.  I got distracted for a minute, texting with Jeremy. Yes. I flirt with my husband lol.  We're dorks.  See? Squirrel trail.  Back to your day...whatever it brings....just know...I will be thinking of you, blog world.  For being a small part of why things have changed within me.  It's a Jess revolution.  Viva La Jess.  lol

2.0

Once upon a time when I was friends with JB and LB (only three weeks ago? lol) we would have conversations about him being a JB  1.0 , a 1.5, and finally 2.0.  Through therapy he seemed to be able to understand things better and better communicate his thoughts and emotions.  Jeremy is not much for therapy.  Which is okay.  I do believe in therapy.  I also have background in psychology.  Had I been able to work, that would be a field I would have been in so... yeah I can see why I believe in it! In any case, I was thinking of Jeremy 2.0, so to speak.  This new version of Jeremy.  He's making an effort to be that part I felt missing.  I posted a little meme to you are the peanut butter to my jelly type but with science fiction themed nerdy things.  And he liked it.  As small as that sounds, that's big for Jeremy to acknowledge that.  He doesn't like attention to us.  Ummm...yeah...I can't help that, babe.  Look who you're married to.  But here he is, liking a post about us.  As we left the Nutcracker that night, he mentioned he liked doing these type of things with me.  There again.  I was so happy to have this side of Jeremy.  I'd been waiting for it.  He is really good now about Words!!!! I love it.  It's a Jeremy flair.  The things I had talked about, longing to have in my relationship....is now a reality.  I didn't give myself credit at the time that I deserved that kind of treatment. Sounds silly, right? But that's what happens when you doubt your value so much.  And Jeremy isn't a mind reader.  I was expecting too much of him to know what I want.  He is more than happy to oblige and do things for me.  I feel so protected by him.  That no matter what we go through, hand in hand we go.