Inside

It's interesting to have inside jokes or inside things with different people.  An icon passed away today.  Another, actually.  I felt bad about the first one but this one actually hit a little more because of the association of Harry Potter.  And I was drawn back to inside things.  We all have them with people close to us.  Our significant others.  Our friends.  Our family, even.  And it made me think of the inside little language we have with people.  Symbolism, perhaps is part of the language.  Or maybe a word means something entirely different. Or you make up words in your own little inside connection.   Or a word becomes a place or thing.  Sometimes a song...is more than just a song.  Sometimes it's more than Words.  Those inside things are beautiful.  Sometimes they become painful when there is loss, through death, through life...through the journey we go through.  We pass through this life and we show the world the kind of people we are, whether bad or good or a little of both.  I hope that I go out with a little more good than bad.  But even I will tell you, in all honesty...I am not nice...not all the time.  I am, overall a good person, though.  Inside....For example, a texting auto correct is an inside for Jeremy.  He meant to put sexy and auto correct decided it was seedy.  He also texted I'm a lucky Bastard and Bayard came out instead.  So now...we have  an inside that I'm Seedy and He's Bayard.  Yes.  Sometimes we sext.  Stop smiling.  We flirt with each other.  Back to Harry Potter...I doubt you read this anymore...but if you do, ...I am sorry.  I know how much you're a fan.  It's important to you, so it's important to me.  Smile if you have inside jokes or stories or something with someone.  Sigh if you no longer get to share that.  Laugh if you remember a story or inside thing that only one or two other people might get.  Make more inside stories, jokes, and funny things...or happy things....or even happysad things.  It's all part of life.

Just do it

So I did it.  I eased my way in, mind you.  But as of right now...I have purple streaks in my hair.  I am sure I could have found a hundred different reasons not to do it.  But something in me said...Just do it.  And EB made it easy to go for it.  I felt confident with her.  Because I was unsure on how the structure of look of it might go she helped with on decisions of how it was going to look.  I feel fantastic.  It's just hair.  But I feel fantastic.  I have a feeling this won't be my last hair party! And the conversation last night was amazing.  Both ES and EB are substantially younger than me.  Yet, it made no matter.  There we were having these great conversations, having a ball, and doing hair.  And the boys were having their own laugh fest upstairs.  Emily's fiance, DA gets along great with Jeremy.  ES even commemorated the event with little candy dispensers of Darth Vader and R2-D2.  I took Darth Vader.  It was so much fun.  I thought of past hurts and past pains.  And while I was getting another color I thought of this idea of shedding.  This look will only be here about a month.  Yet, I can see the appeal of why they color their hair.  I did it to step off a ledge, metaphorically.  I did it to say yes to something that might make me anxious or never quite dream of doing.  I am not in my 20s.  I look like late 20s.  So maybe I felt like I have window of opportunity of where I can do a few crazy antics.  I don't act my age so that helps! It's just hair. But I feel like a different person.  Even if it's a small thing...say yes to something you might say no to.  You just might find out.  It's exactly what you needed to say yes too.

Diving

If all goes well I really am doing it.  I am dying my hair purple.  At least purple streaks is the plan.  I love my morning talks with Jeremy.  Rather than give me a kiss upstairs I follow him downstairs as he sits on the couch before he goes.  I curl up with my blanket and we just talk.  Today, we talked about why I am dying my hair.  I had talked about not having a panic attack in two weeks. (Almost two weeks. I was a little off) He was really happy to hear that.  And that I have a calmness and peacefulness to me.  I spend a lot more time by myself.  I am perfectly okay with that.  It's important to be happy with your own company.  I think I needed the quiet anyways.  But I was telling him that I felt compelled to do this...as if to do some head first, screw it tour leading up to 40.  His take was that I seem to always stop myself with a reason.  I just said why not? And he liked that.  That I just went for it.  If I wasn't mistaken...I think there was a sense of pride in what I was doing.  I am nervous about this.  But in embracing this act and just letting the chips fall...I feel empowered? No...something..though.  I am decided on purple because it is the color of Epilepsy Awareness.  While it is isn't March 26th yet...it will make me happy I am representing Epilepsy Awareness in my own way.  My birthday is less than two weeks away.  I always want my birthday to be hooply, a big deal.  But this year...it's big...in a quiet way.  Jeremy is getting me a gift I have been wanting.  He listens.  And he remembered.  I am so touched.  And last night...he gave me a priceless gift.  In the middle of cooking, one of my favorite songs came out.  Just like Heaven started playing.  Out of nowhere...I ask for a strange request.  Right in the middle of the living room with me cooking...Jeremy and I danced to Just like Heaven.  I felt like time stood still.  I felt like strange movie montage.  I can't explain.  But he gave me a gift.  Sometimes you don't know the things you want...until you do.  And you have someone not only willing to oblige, but indulge you! Jeremy is one of a kind.  I am very lucky.  We are very lucky to have each other.  So let's see how this day goes.  I am off to a hot lunch date with Jeremy.  Another of my wants and needs.  I like having lunch with him.  And then we'll see from there.  Have a marvelous day.  Do something crazy...even if it's small.  And smile.  Smile because life is too short to not eat dessert first. I saw that on art board yesterday.  It is so true. lol Diving...That's what this feels like. Diving into life, I suppose.

Storytelling

I love stories that friends tell me.  Childhood stories.  Stories how they met their special someones.  And Saturday was no different.  We went out with a friend that's in the Navy.  And my stomach was hurting...from too much laughing.  It reminded me of other friends and their stories.  I am filled with friends that have such fascinating stories in their lives.  I also realized I too, have fascinating stories.  It's good to be there for friends, even if all you can give them is a listening ear.  Storytelling is important.  Long before the internet, long before technology...it's how we kept history going.  Now, sometimes that hasn't always been the best way because truth can get changed.  It always reminds me of the game where you sit around a circle and whisper to someone.  And chances are the information is different than what it started with.  But that's how we kept history going...story telling.  I love hearing older generation with story telling.  I read in the history books...and then listen to someone older speak of being there.  And one day, in my own way...I will be that older generation with a story...or two.

Interesting

A week or two ago, a friend of mine was mentioning Brene Brown.  I took in the information and just stored it as it had pertained some interesting information regarding vulnerability and other emotional things.  I was intrigued.  Yesterday, I came across one of her seminars.  And I felt my mind blown.  She hand an acronym that spoke volumes.  It spoke to me.  And that was the Anatomy of Trust. It was BRAVING the connection.

Boundaries was the first one.  And that struck a chord with me.  My discomfort of laughter came through because trust and boundaries has been difficult for me with certain people.  I trust but I didn't set up boundaries well because I was too busy worried about their needs instead of my own.  I discredited my needs as secondary.  Reliability.  I thought about that when I have been disrespected by someone being late or cancelled too many times.  Accountability.  I am a firm believer of this one.  And I am willing to hold myself accountable for things.  I realize I make mistakes and hope to learn from mine.  Vault.  It is important that you understand what I am telling you is important to me.  Integrity.  I hope that I am a person with integrity.  I believe I am.  I try to live my life as authentic as I can.  And in doing so, my integrity should be in tact.  Non judgement.  It is important that when I share with you, that is a space of understanding and non judgement.  Generosity.  That you show and express certain things, small things that make up the big things for me to realize I can trust you.  I get uncomfortable with anything or anyone that resembles self-help in any way.  I worry about exploitation.  But what she said spoke to me.  I thought I would share it with you.  It was....interesting.

It's okay

Kinda following up from The Art of Processing yesterday...It's okay to miss things.  I thought about that today as I was talking to a friend.  Sometimes we rush to be okay, when we're really not.  All of us have a different way to process, which is what I was writing about yesterday.  So it stand to reason we miss things, places, and people so differently.  Here's an example.  I was very close to my maternal Grandma.  When she passed, you would think I would be balling.  I didn't shed one tear. I couldn't understand why I wasn't crying.  It wasn't until a year later, dealing with my divorce that I broke down.  Yes, because I was getting divorced...but more so because I lost my Grandma and finally let myself feel the pain of it.  We, as individuals are complex beings that have a different way to do things.  Even Twins have different mindsets to certain things and they are synced better than the rest of us.  So even if we have similar stories, we're not going to think the same.  I say that and most of the time I believe it.  But even I have my moments where I don't practice what I preach, so to speak.  And then I have to step back.  Jeremy helps me to do that.  Do I agree with every thing he says? No.  I tell him that now.  But I see the logic of where the line of thought is coming from.  And that is something I am learning different.  I might still disagree that I wasn't thinking that but that I understand where the line of thought came from, or the logic of it.  So, today as you go through your day.  It's okay if you don't have it all together.  It's okay if today feels more like a shitty day than a pretty day.  It's okay...not to be okay...all the time.

The art of processing

We all have a process on how we deal with things.  I noticed that as friends, close or Facebook do things.  Sometimes, on the outside, it might not make sense to anyone but us.  I've been there with that.  I process thoughts already differently.  Why not process my process differently, as well.  The art of processing is beautiful and sad sometimes.  We process death.  We process change, like a move.  We process a loss of relationships or friendships.  Sometimes some of us process so privately, people have no clue how much they are in heartache.  Others are more vocal.  Honestly, over time, I don't see one better than the other.  I see it differently.  And different processes work for different people.  Process, in and of itself is not a one size fits all.  But sometimes we might judge someone too private about their process or too vocal. I once got criticism from a friend (she was at the time) that I didn't post "real" things on my Facebook.  I've seen an article or two that Facebook is not a realistic view of a person's life.  I can see that.  But I don't think that applies for everyone.  I, myself don't post negative things because I don't want that negative energy out.  I also figure I will save it for my blog.  Again, I have a different process.  This inspiration came just observing and seeing how people process their emotions.  How they process their happiness....and their pain.  It's intriguing.  The art of processing is fascinating.  There isn't a judgement from me how you process.  To me, there is always a method to madness.  I may be slow to process what you're doing if it is directed to me at times.  But eventually, I get there. Eventually, I realize, there is a process.  But if you need a friend, even a silent friend to process whatever you are processing today...frustration at work, significant other happiness or unhappiness, parent frustration, inner frustration....I am side by side with you, at least virtually.  I'm like a process sponsor.  You're not alone.