Just because

Sometimes we do things to make easier for ourselves.  Sometimes for others. Neither has to bad or goof. With the right intentions,  both can make the world eork easier and flow better. I qas thinking of that today. ..just because

Overwhelmed

I can't even express how I feel with the beautiful well wishes and gestures. I feel so loved and appreciated..it's insane. Thank you. I'm overwhelmed.  I've already cried a few times. I even got a piem for my birthday!  Sighs. How can I possibly have self doubt with this amount of positive reinforcement?!

Purpose

The man who is happy is fulfilling the purpose of existence. ~Fyodor Dostoyevsky

I thought about that today. Purpose.  Because of my flexibility as a housewife, I have more time on my hands.  Granted, housework and errands tend to beckon.  However, there is only so much time that I can get through them and have time on my hands.  I read.  I am watching The Mentalist.  And I got back into a few shows like NCIS and Elementary.  Jeremy is studying right now so I don't want to be a distraction to him.  But I realized my purpose is that therapist friend.  During the day, I am constantly talking to people.  I cheer them up, advise them, or simply am an ear or place to share news...vent...or check in.  And that feels good.  I didn't seem to have success in my professional life.  And for a long time I felt like a failure with it.  I felt less than, so to speak.  It certainly didn't help with my struggles in the intellectual worth department.  Over time...and much encouragement from different people...I have recognized that my worth and purpose doesn't come from what job I have.  And that was important to recognize.  Seeing the happiness I bring to people is what reminds me that I am on the right path...in terms of purpose.  I am lucky enough that Jeremy and I are in a position that I don't have to work.  I wish I could.  But it's not a requirement.  And especially within the next year or so...it will be less of a reason to.  I'd like to go back to volunteering, possibly.  But for right now, I want to stay put and do the housewife thing.  I have a purpose.  And that is to bring my sparkle and shine to the world.  I get it now.  It's like an epiphany.  An aha moment of sorts happened when I realized this simple, yet complicated answer.  This is my purpose.  Purpose is important.  It's our driving force to things.  We want to know we are heading the right direction.  It's almost as important as connection.  These driving forces remind us why we do what we do.  Why we continue.  Why things or people...are important to us.  Purpose....purpose is what makes us the people we become.  Something to thing about today.  My birthday is coming up soon.  I was bummed to not receive my birthday gift from Jeremy in the mail today.  But perhaps, the universe wants me to receive it exactly on my birthday.  We shall see.  I already feel so blessed with so many little treats leading up to it.  That will be icing on the cake.

A moment in time

That was what yesterday was.  21 years ago...my life changed..Jeremy and I met.  To think...that one moment in time changed us permanently.  It's amazing to really understand the depth of connection and friendship I feel from Jeremy.  I feel the difference because I desperately wanted this side to Jeremy.  The evolution of things in the pas few months have opened our eyes.  It also made us grateful to be married to each other.  We understand the bond we have.  We understand the friendship that is between us.  We work to continue the solidarity of our marriage.  We constantly make sure we maintain that friendship and relationship.  And it's not one sided. It's not just me or him.  It's important to both of us.  We're important to each other.  So as I write this...I count my blessings. You have to experience some bad to really appreciate the good.  We all have heard that but it still rings true.  And my journey.  I appreciate the journey I have had in order to be right here, like this, with my best friend.  The best friend any wife can have.  He has my back.  I have his.  We're a team.  Partners in crime.  That is worth more than anything in the world.

It might just make their day

I started up an interesting list for myself.  It's experiences I have had or I have shared with Jeremy.  It almost seems like a want/need list fullfilled/bucket list/ fascinating things I've done....kinda rolled into one.  I am rather enjoying doing the list. It made my day.   After such a meaningful conversation with people I love, I feel a happiness.  Friends and family alike.  Some of which kinda jump between the two.  Today was that kind of conversation.  We were talking about different levels in relationships, between spouses, parents, and friends.  I see why someone who can't be themselves with people who are the closest to them can feel so confining.  Part of my relationship I did that to myself with Jeremy but not showing him all elements.  He did.  But I was too afraid.  And now...now I don't hold back.  It is so freeing.  I get self doubt still.  But I have so many people in my head that remind me that self doubt's argument is invalid.  And I have my own voice telling me that I truly am this person of value.  What a difference.  It seems so simple.  It seems simple now or the door opened to me finally having an epiphany or aha moment.  I see it now.  But that self doubt makes us question things.  Last night, I was having a conversation with an old friend from my military days.  Actually, I was a military wife at the time I knew him.  I split with Woody but there are a handful of friends I kept in touch with after the divorce.  And that conversation came up.  Self doubt.  How prevalent it can be with anyone after negative reinforcement is given.  Sad, really.  But we believe because they come from a space we thought was safe....and people say shitty things to each other.  By that same token, I actually got to know a compliment my ex husband paid me.  I'm so used to the disdain my ex husband and I have for each other that once upon a time we thought very highly of each other and I forgot about that.  It was nice to hear that I was complimented.  Don't make an empty compliment.  Say it if you mean it.  But it's free.  It doesn't cost to give that compliment.  It might just make their day.

When you set out

Something came to mind this morning.  As I was talking with an old friend of mine, I wrote the words...Why not? And their response is ...You may be onto something.  I thought of all the harp of being 40 when really, why not at 39.  I kinda dig the idea I'll be 39.  It helps I neither look like I.m 39 or act it.  When you set out to be the person you are...it's interesting how the cards unfold.  I didn't expect I would be this person.  My perspectives on things have changed.  I've often heard that the older you get, the less you give a f*ck, so to speak.  Strangely, I am starting to get that idea.  I mean...I still want to be the nice person that I know I can be.  But I don't feel I need to be anyone but my authentic self.  Granted, there is a time and place for everything and I take that in consideration when I am conducting myself.  However, I don't have the energy or capacity to jump through hoops for anyone.  It's less stress too.  I don't get anxious about things nearly as much.  I let that sh*t go.  It occurred to me...Why not? Why wait to figure it all out? What if I don't? What if I just need to be happy? I or We will cross that bridge when we get to it.  Which is unusual for me.  I feel like I have to plan everything.  But with the right people, just going with the flow sounds pretty good.  My birthday is Monday.  And one of my presents is simply having Jeremy for my birthday.  It's interesting how things change.  We were going to be out of town this next weekend with a certain family.  So taking off was always the plan for Jeremy.  But since life changed, it's nice just having him off.  We thought of going to the museum but McNay is closed.  So maybe another museum.  Or something else.  We will figure it out.  Since, honestly, Jeremy and I can enjoy each other's company...no matter what we are doing.  We're best friends.  We don't hold back what we have on our minds.  He never quite did. Ouch lol But I did.  And now I don't.  And it's very liberating.  I saw a post that said Honesty is the deepest kind of intimacy.  And wanted his thoughts on it.  And he agreed.  And it made me smile.  At 39... yes I am just going to start saying that now...I feel the most confident I have ever been.  I feel the most beautiful too.  Not just on the outside. But on the inside.  I knew that.  But all this self doubt prevented me to see what an extraordinary person I am.  What's important is giving myself an affirmation.  And believing in it. When you set out today, think of that person who you were...whom you have become.  And see that all the happiness and sadness was built to help your grow into this magnificent human being.  And try being around people that see that in you.  Because when you are around emotional vampires.  You will feel the drain.  But you won't even know you're bleeding.

Presently

We have to live today by what truth we can get today and be ready tomorrow to call it falsehood. ~William James

Interesting quote I found.  It does make you think about truths I have learned over the years and almost had to relearn my own truth.  Even my own truth could be a lie.  The difference is I believe in my truth to be my authentic part.  I am also willing to be open to other truths.  It isn't easy being this open minded.  I've worked years to learn different truths.  One of the best ways I have learned to be opened minded was removing certain emotions from the situation.  That helped clear my mind.  It also has helped to relieve stress.  Overthinking things leads to stress.  Stress leads to anxiety. Anxiety leads to unhappiness.  Unhappiness leads to the dark side.  Sorry...I had to put that in there.  It seemed I was having a Yoda moment.  At least for the truth I was around.  I have had three 5 major conflicts in the last 5 years.  Two of which I managed to reconnect and become some sort of friends.  Perhaps not where we were before but at least an attempt on each side.  The other three I was unable to allow them back in my life.  I hope that is a reflection that I can reconnect with people even after a fight.  The 3 on this list I don't see that with.  All of particular reasons that seem like a good truth.  I can't deal with anger issues anymore.  My body literally doesn't have the energy for it.  I learned that recently.  The second one I actually tried to have a friendship and there for a while I felt like we were doing well.  But in the end I felt taken advantage and in all honesty, I don't think she actually liked me.  If she did...she had a funny way of showing it.  I felt she was jealous.  And the most recent one.  Again, anger issues but so much more than that.  The wound is still too fresh that I don't know where that truth lies. And the reason I say that is because she thinks I am full of shit.  I don't believe her but sometimes my inner doubt gets the best of me and tries to figure if there is any truth to what someone is saying.   I imagine when this is more like years I will be able to see things more clearly.  Strangely, I do miss their friendships.  And then....I don't.  I don't like walking away from friends.  It takes a lot for me to do it.  But I know that if I do...there was a reason.  It's funny. I don't even know where to put the friendship I walked away, not out of anger but of necessity.  Guess they go on a shelf all by themselves because I wasn't angry.  I do feel betrayed by each one of them.  That maybe is the truth I found from it.  And maybe as they might look at it...they might think I am full of it.  Which is understandable.  We are looking at our own perceptions and truths.  I just feel mine is more...accurate.  Many times when I question my accuracy I ask Jeremy and that helps.  Believe me. Jeremy is not afraid to tell me if I'm wrong.  I don't always like it but I do need that.  In the long wrong run, I appreciate it.  And I even explain that he might even be wrong.  But usually I trust in his feedback.  So truth and perhaps tomorrow it is falsehood.  That is a big one.  Be open to truths not always being truths.  It's helped me navigate life.  Just a thought today.  Have a most excellent day!