I'm curious

I should be honest.  I'm curious on who reads this.  I was happy seeing one person reading this blog.  You don't know what it means that more than one person reads this.  I am humbled.  I write my feelings.  I write what;s on my mind which sometimes seems like a scary thing. Just kidding. I am a quirky person.  But I write because I can.  It helps me to put things down.  So thank you.  Every once in a while a blog is dedicated to you. My silent audience.  I'm curious who reads this.  But in the long run I realize it might be my place to find out.  It should be more important that someone is reading it.  Again, thank you.

Trusting and trusting myself

It's not just about secrets.  It's about allowing someone to see you at your very worst.  It's nice to see someone at their best.  But you really get to know a person when they are at their worst.  I learned something about myself with trust.  I haven't been trusting my own voice.  Who knew? I would trust others.  But I didn't trust myself.  Once that negativity was removed...I saw things clearly.  I'm still dealing with residual negativity.  When I remove negativity it doesn't just go away like a snap of fingers.  Rather, it's a gradual removal.  I become emotionally attached to people and beings.  Today, I had an opportunity to gain trust from two wild cats.  They tolerated each other enough to let me close enough (but still a safe distance) to feed them.  We trusted each other.  It felt good.  It reminded me of trusting someone with who I am at all moments.  I am so grateful to those who let me be free.  I forgot how free I could be.  Me getting older is teaching me to let go.  38 has given me a new resolve.  It's not a screw you kind of resolve.  But it is one where if you don't like me for who I am in front of you...if you feel the need or want to change a part of me to suit you...well...that says something more about your shortcomings than mine.  And you're not worth my time.  You can have surface time.  I don't like running away from people.  But you won't get me.  Likewise, if I am not a benefit to your life...please do something.  I want to be a positive impact on you.  I want to leave you with feeling good about yourself because I helped with that. If nothing else, I want to make you laugh or smile...or both.  

When it's not just about winning

Winning has a form that feeds the ego.  I'm not going to lie and say that I don't enjoy winning myself.  However, with the losses and wins I have had in my life some of my best moments didn't include winning the game. It included so much more.  I remember a game where I was late to a game because of detention.  I got a moment where life stood still and I got to see what the crowd was waiting for...me.  I got to throw a half court shot in my life.  Who does that? I got to run past a first base man.  I got to point guard a "Cinderella" team and I wasn't even supposed to play.  My Dad just needed one more player.  Sports was a big part of my past.  Winning was nice.  But that's not what got me going.  It was the passion of the game.  It was the passion of Basketball.  It was the intensity of Track.  I played other sports but these two...these two fueled me in so many ways.  I was confused about a lot of things in my life.  My condition left me insecure about many things.  But on the court, or on the field...I was Jess. I got to chance to coach a team when I was 13.  My coach let me have the reins.  I got to run with the male runners.  I had a competitive spirit but I never wanted the ego of someone full of themselves because of winning.  It stayed with me in life.  I don't want to compete with others for success.  But I have to remind myself not to compare myself with failures either.  My failures are simply set backs.  I have developmental disability.  And yet...I have a Master's Degree in Psychology.  I don't have my Massage Therapy License and yet, I have people already believing in my abilities.  Even when I have it down wrong...I have it right because that passion is still there.  I want to do the best I can do.  Something about turning older is making me realize that I don't have to impress anyone.  It's taken this long to realize that.  I knew it intellectually.  But somehow my heart had lost the message.  I love the craziness that envelopes my life.  The good, the bad, and the weird.  It's what makes such an interesting life.  I love how life teaches me new lessons everyday. I will never try to stop learning.  I will always want to learn.  Why?...Because in life...the satisfaction of living a life of purpose is when it's not just about winning.

Find out what fuels you

Some might call it an outlet.  Whatever you like to call it we all need to find out therapy.  That thing or those things that help us recharge.  They help us face the world.  They give us reminders of why we fight so hard to brave the world.  Sometimes they are incentives.  Sometimes they come in the form of obligation.  We have to look at the reason we do things and then find out what helps us brave those incentives and obligations.  I have this dream.  It's been a dream to be a massage therapist for so long.  Yet, I am at the finish line and suddenly my feet are frozen.  Metaphorically,  my feet are frozen.  It made me lost for a while.  I felt like a failure.  Now I realize it's part of a story.  When I do have that passing test I will be able to fulfill everything I dreamed of.  I like helping people.  I like having a contribution to their healing.  I find fulfillment in that quest.  This test does frustrate me.  I am so close and yet feel so far.  But I am still here...fighting.  I will keep my dream alive.  One day at a time.  In the meantime my life is filled with such love and happiness.  I have friends that support me in all my crazy wonderful mess of a life.  I have parents that understand I am left of the spoon...if that makes any sense. I'm sure I have the saying wrong.  I have a husband who shows me everyday the kind I loved I only dreamed of.  I am so grateful to have Jeremy as a husband.  He's my Best Friend.  He is my partner in crime in this adventure called Life.  I love our adventures, whether big or small. They are our adventures. They are our memories.  So find your therapy.  Find what makes you happy.  Listen to it with your heart.  Find out what fuels you.  Understand it.  Then, fight for it and learn to give yourself space and time to know why you love it.  And find things that make you fight for it. 

A day to remember

Jeremy always does amazing when it comes to my birthday.  I wanted a sonic screwdriver for my birthday.  I'm a Doctor Who fan so that seemed funny enough.  Jeremy came up with the places to eat and what we did on my day.  He did not disappoint .  We went to see the New York Woodwind Quintet.  They were phenomenal. We went to a German place the night before with friends.  Then a red velvet cake and some wine was waiting for us.  He and I took a birthday shot.  Cape cod, shot style! And I thought my birthday was just going to pass. I got a laptop for my birthday as well.  It was a day to remember.  I love my adventures with Jeremy.  I can't wait to see what 38 holds. 

Checklist

I'm curious.  Do men and women have a checklist? I used to think I did.  But if you saw my dating history you would notice I didn't stick to that list.  In fact, my checklist, if I had one picked me.  I wanted him tall.  Check.  I wanted him intelligent.  Check.  I wanted him to accept the wonderful mess that is me.  Check.  I wanted to be Best Friends with him. Check.  Jeremy's checklist was Female and do we click probably.  Maybe that's why I always say on paper we sounded like a mess.  I didn't count on him making the checklist.  I just fell in love with the quirky guy that he is.  I imagine you have box people in a checklist for any reason you miss out on the other wonderful things they can be. 

Still writing my story

Sometimes the romantic comedies that come out are down right ridiculous.  But that's an interesting question.  Do we want the fantasy because our reality is so drowned out by well...reality.  Love really isn't like movies.  That kiss doesn't slow time down.  There is no real happy ending for the star crossed lovers.  How about Fantality? What's the middle ground of aspiring for the fantasy.  But finding your reality is sometimes much nice than the dreams.  Going to the grocery story with someone that loves your presence is so much nicer than the image of having that "catch" that looks good on paper.  That's the other thing.  Maybe what's good on paper sucks.  But the reality is that it still works.  And what other people want for you may not be what you want.  It's why we fall in love...and fail at it sometimes.  I fell for people.  I learned from that.  I learned I probably didn't want to be with them and look exactly for people I wouldn't work with.  I get to be me.  Unapologetic me. Brilliant of a mess me.  I have flaws all over the place.  But when I see Jeremy. I don't see flaws.  I see amazing.  I see what he sees in me.  It's beautiful to feel cherished and loved.  And funny enough..in the stories it seems ooey and gooey.  That's not real.  Love is the every day stuff.  Love is the boring stuff.  Love is doing little things for each other.  Love is thanking each other.  Love is...different for everyone.  Go find your own spark.  Run don't walk to it.  It feels good.  I don't know if happily ever after is real.  I'm still writing my story.