A new look on the past

It's such a beautiful experience developing a friendship with Her.  She gets the small stories.  The wonders.  The demon voices.  We experienced different aspects of his monstrosity.  But nonetheless, survivors of the insanity of an unhealthy environment.  I am having to relive memories.  I am going back 6 years worth of memories trying to make sense of them from a different perspective.  It's cathartic and slightly depressing at times because I don't know what was real or not, if anything.  Or maybe that it was real but that part of trying to understand how a person can love me...and hurt me so much.  I couldn't understand a friend saying I was a delicate flower.  But as I stepped back to really understand what they were saying it dawned on me.  If I think too much of how delicate I really am...I might just surrender to the pain that has been stuck inside of me for so long.  And that's why it's hard to cry.  or I beat myself up for it.  I'm afraid if I just let go and cry this out I will really have to face that horror.  That horror of someone telling me almost every day how truly stupid and unworthy I was.  I'm off.  I'm ditzy.  The truth is it was easier to let him say it then explain my developmental disability has me process things at a slower or different pace.  I still process at a different pace these days but I have learned how to get through conversations and reading much better.  It's why I hunger for learning.  It's why I am fascinated by words.  And excitedly and happily accept when someone wants to have an intellectual conversation.  I feed off of that learning.  It's like recharging my soul.  One of the things I finally admitted aloud which I have been denying...even to myself.  I love him.  Not loved him.  I never stopped loving him.  He was a big part of how I grew up.  Much of the person I came to be was because he wanted this person of me and I rebelled and wouldn't show it was truly in me.  He didn't deserve to see the beautiful person I am.  I may swear and be raunchy and sometimes be the most inappropriate person. I am like this even with parents lol.  I am unapologetic for the person I have become.  Take me or leave me.  I want to be authentic me.  I am most of the time.  I temper myself because I'm an accommodating person or that the most tactful thing is not to fully reveal my authentic self.  But for the select few that get to see the raw and beautiful mess that I am...they are the lucky few.  I don't hide myself from them.  I don't have to.  I am free to be me.  And that is a beautiful feeling.  His voice fights my new voices.  My husband and one of my best friends occupy that space more.  But here and there when I dismiss the contribution I bring to the world...there he is.  His voice telling me they're lying.  That it's not possible for them to see that I am this intelligent being.  That my insight is incredible.  That men would revel in my mind...as much as my body.  I'm imagining things.  If he couldn't see it...why would these men who are accomplished and intelligent see that in me? But every day I fight that voice.  Every day I wake up and say...You're not going to win, Javier.  My best revenge is living a full life.  At this point...yes I am crying...but I don't even apologize for that.  Thanks, JB lol I need the metaphorical kick in the a$$.  This new reprogramming of my mindset will take time.  26 years of that will not go away overnight.  But I am having a new look on the past.  And I am ready to change that perspective.

The dream of wholeness

That is a surreal dream.  But as I have replayed the events of this weekend I got to thinking that might be an attainable dream now.  I had anchors and unconditional acceptance and love from Jeremy and them.  And yet, there was this sense that I was alone at times.  That voice is strong with negative emotions.  It was getting better because the voices were changing.  Jeremy and another friend help occupy that voice now.  But HIS voice invades my thoughts.  And here was this beautiful soul that I was looking at. Now talking to and the similar story..from the similar monstrosity helped to confirm so many things that helped me to capture this want of wholeness.  This idea of actively taking steps to have this wholeness.  It's a new dream for me.  I have much healing to do.  So does she.  But this is a surreal dream.  It's like some strange movie. But it's my life.  Tune in for more adventures? lol I'm intrigued on where this road will take me.  On the roads that I am embarking on, in general.  I embrace this chapter.  I embrace what I will feel.  I will embrace the emotions that come along with it, the good and bad.  The roller coaster ride that is my life.  I guess it really is never a dull moment with me. lol I am slowly but surely seeing the contribution I bring to this world.  I'm fucking amazing actually.  I just don't always give myself credit that I am.  That's not an overnight change.  I've spent the last 20 years blaming myself emotionally for feeling this bad.  That somehow, me being different, thinking differently is why this happened to me.  I colored outside the lines.  This is what happens when someone does.  It's f*cked up. I know.  I can recognize that.  But that's the kind of mind games I endured.  I am just now revealing to people the kind of things said to me. Why the word stupid triggers me.  I can handle dumb or idiot all day long.  I can be feisty with those words all day.  But stupid stops me in my tracks.  It's like I freeze.  Positive reinforcement is important to me.  It helps to create a new mindset.  I try to work on that.  And I also try to help others see that about themselves.  So let's see how the dream of wholeness will unfold.

Answers

She had answers. She had answers to questions  I hadn't asked yet. 20 years. He really is a monster. And while I want to feel bad about the man behind the monster she said...more like boy. At some point you have to be accountable for your actions.  Yes. Your past molds those experiences and behaviors. But you still have to be accountable.  It's eerie to know we had much of the same mind games. Two survivors of the same monster. I can't believe our paths met. Thank you, Universe.

Bring on the day

It's been a long week. I can just sense it. However,  it's  Friday.  Relish in that thought. You got this. If nothing else, you came here to the blog to receive some encouragement.  I believe in you. I don't even have to know who reads this. I believe in you because once that mindset changes for positive...things change. So go take on the world. Bring on the day!

The beauty in rhythm

Something for me in having a rhythm creates contentment.  I function better with a regularity about things.  I've often joked around stability is sexy to me.  After the lifetime moments I have had I like the beauty in quiet vanilla stability.  Too much chaos creates a sense of a tornado.  I can handle chaos.  I'm a rather strong individual.  And sometimes rather than walk away from a touch situation, I walk right towards it.  I find that my daring side really gets the better of me.  But for the most part, it has served me well.  And I am learning how much of that I can take in.  Rhythm is the word for the day.  It's okay to color out of the lines. I do that well!!! But there is method to the madness.  And Rhythm is just as important.  It's almost about finding balance in that rhythm.  Because at the end of the day you have to ask yourself if you are happy with that schedule, job, school, marriage, friendship, parenting, sexuality, mindset...well you get the picture.  And how much you are willing to stick with.  Strategic living? You don't want to settle.  But you also see what your rhythm is.  And honestly, while you can get beautiful feedback and insightful....always remember...you receive the rewards and benefits.  You receive the punishment or consequence.  Just a thought.  I'm learning to find this rhythm.  And right now...at this very moment...life couldn't get much better.  Improvement is good.  Forward goals and thinking is important.  But I am content at this very moment. And I see the beauty in rhythm.

One encouraging word at a time

It's a thought.  Whether a friend or a stranger. Changing the world, one encouraging word at a time. It's a beautiful feeling to encourage somone. You might make their entire day. You might be the turning point where they needed a perk or an emotional sponsor or cheerleader. Even...for a second. You never know. I'll go first. Thank you for taking the time to read this. I feel special that one person reads this blog. I get flabbergasted when I see double digits. So...as my reader, my audience. You are a beautiful soul gor getting a dailt affirmation.  Maybe this is part of your down tim. Whatever reason you tead, you're awesome sauce!  Blame a best friend of mine. They have a wicked and wonderful influence on me. Come to think of it...all the best friends do. I love my tribe.

Muse

If you ever wonder if they exist I am going with yes.  And my argument and reasoning is I am one.  It's a bold statement to say. Right? I must have the confidence to believe I inspire people.  This weekend I got a metaphorical kick in the *** to remind me how much I inspire people.  I think I need that type of knock some sense into me every once in a while/  I think all people need friends that are willing to do that. I inspire people to remember just how incredible and amazing people they are.  I inspire people to recognize their worth.  I inspire vixens and badasses.  And while Jeremy sometimes cannot quite process the madness to my method...I inspire him.  He is an incredible man.  But he might have struggled more in dealing with the world if not for a muse like me.  I am his goddess.  Wow. I said that aloud.  When you help change the voice in your head, it helps to learn what words can do to you and for you.  The voice in my head did change.  Granted, the ugly little demon voices are going to spout up.  But this voice, sometimes in male form. Sometimes in female form reminds me that I am this incredible woman that deserves nothing but the best.  That I am worth the best.  To grab life by the horns.  Not every day will be a series of adventures that press beyond a boundary.  Maybe conversations can be adventures.  But then you have days where you venture out and you do things.  That's something I have absolutely loved about my love story with Jeremy.  I bring the inspiration or create the idea of the adventure.  But together we take the adventure.  Hand in hand.  And have those memories.  And then you have soul adventures.  And soul travelers with you.  The kind you can't figure how in the world they know the inner workings of your mind or soul. But there they are.  Getting you.  When you have friends like that.  You are rich beyond belief.  When they accept the beautiful mess you are.... And trust me. I'm a mess sometimes. And that's okay.  You have everything.  I would die happy right now.  I am older so I do think about mortality.  And what I have learned is that I have done enough crazy adventures that I can't regret that.  I have loved. I have lost.  I have loved again.  I can't regret that.  I have met amazing souls and brilliant individuals. I can't regret that.  I have parents that love me.  Even my father with his clumsy ways.  I have children that love me, even if I am not their biological mother.  I am adored.  By more than one person.  I can't regret that.  Even my condition has had a positive impact.  I have been able to help people.  I have healing hands.  And while I wasn't able to professionally gain something from it.  I know how to help people in that sense too, just by my hugs and my touch.  I calm people. Me.  Goofy and rare me.  I flit like an affirmation fairy with my whimsical love.  I am this rare unicorn that exists in this reality.  I am different.  And that's wonderful.  I sometimes will feel like it's a bad thing.  But I will have anchors to grab my hand and stop me from that thought) I will cry it out. Because crying is not a bad thing.  It helps get the toxins out.  I will brush off the negativity. I am human.  I don't need to be perfect...and strong....all the time.  And not being strong...does not make me weak.  Something to remember.  So if I need to be your muse by this blog, well I will spread my whimsical love.  Because you never know how beautiful and contagious and poetic that could be.  That by some beautiful, , kind, and inspirational words we changed the world and its mindset.  Here I am, your muse. A very happy and at peace muse.