Off

Some days I feel drained and uninspired. My brain feels fuzzy. A lot of things happened.  Some negative.  More positive.  And if it wasn't I'm focusing more on the positive. Happy by Leona Lewis. I'm happy my friends are home. Ray of light and JB. Then, on a seperate note so is Little One. I talked to him early this morning. I need a hug from him. He's the closest I've ever felt to a brother. I'm happy he's home
Off. It's raining.  It's probably not helping this well being drain funk.

Taking in a day

Yesterday was a draining day.  So many stresses were on the table.  So much...I had a seizure.  But from that craziness came positive.  And I love positive from negatives.  Lynsey and I took Indy for a walk again.  It was beautiful bonding time with her.  An incident with the dog happened again.  Only this time we recorded.  I started having an anxiety attack.  I explained what it felt like.  Think of people after a trauma happens. They say people go into shock.  That's what my anxiety attack feels like.  Lynsey was amazing and protective and I was so grateful to have this wonderful person who cared for me deeply.  Not because I was her sister's best friend.  But because I simply was Jess.  She sees something in me that she wants to be near and loves my energy.  Then, another incident with stress regarding a painting job added to my stress.  I didn't want to fight what I thought was very inconsiderate.  Sometimes it doesn't pay to be right.  This was that time.  And then losing a friendship.  Acknowledging the death of a friendship by saying goodbye.  There is hope in the future.  But I really don't know.  We care deeply for each other but I might be more harm than good for her.  And she is an emotional trigger for me.  7 years of friendship.  It's like mourning a death.  But it might have been a cancerous one.  And it might be something I need to let go.  Intellectually, I think it's best to let go completely.  Emotionally, I can't even dream the idea of completely letting go.  As draining as it was I ended the night beautifully talking to two of my best friends.  Those crazy kids.  The couple that has helped me so much with this journey of healing.  Somewhere in time is playing by Danny Wright.  How fitting.  Ray of light is such a vivacious and strong and beautiful person that she pushes me to be heard.  And JB refuses to let me think of myself anything other than this amazing beautiful soul.  When you go from the depths of fear and insecurities where I used to think the worst of myself to hearing such kind words, it does something to your soul.  It is overwhelming at times.  In a good way.  And strangely, out of the woodwork. This week I had several people point out or mention this beautiful vulnerability, shine, radiance, sparkle, smile, new look to me.  Even some who can't see my face said my voice has changed. My words have changed.  That there is a change in me.  Taking in a day.  Today I am reflecting.  I had to regroup.  I really wanted to do my nature walk but as my dear one said. Health first! Sweet Friend helped me to see things about the loss of my friendship.  Little One can't wait to see me.  Red and I had a beautiful chat about things. We had a beautiful chat about Brody.   This weekend I will be taking things down regarding Brody.  I had given myself a deadline.  November 3 @ 7:10 am he passed.  But this Saturday I will take things down.  To some pets are pets. For me, Brody was something else.  My fur son. My companion for 13 years.  I still have Whiskers.  But these two have been with me since my divorce.  She's 14 years old.  I sent something Nat and she said...how do you always know when I need that??? Bob, I don't talk to much.  I don't need to.  We are just familia.  And then Jeremy. For better or worse we love each other.  And sometimes we aren't nice to each other.  I actually like that about us.  We're humans.  We're going to say things that just seem rude to each other and  bother each other.  We learn.  Or we say things that others might think are rude and we think our funny and it's our own little language.  We're a couple of 12 year olds sometimes.  Love sick kids figuring life out...together. My partner in crime.  Go get a tribe.  Find people that love, embrace, celebrate YOU.  Find people that accept you and love you unconditionally.  That love you for better or worse.  That don't just stick around for the pretty parts.  That stick around when the ugly happens.  That no matter what....love you for you.  My tribe loves me for me.  That is the best feeling in the world.  CC is also a big part of this healing.    She gets my pain. She gets it because she was me once with Javier.  And I didn't realize we've been each other at different times in our lives.  I thought I was the original.  No....I was the copy.  And then I became the original. And then she became the copy.  He was angry at her for not being me.  And he fell in love with me because he wanted me to be her.  How insane is that??! See...the strange part is CC and I knew each other back in the day because she was Javier's best friend's sister.  And her brother was like a brother to me.  But I didn't meet ex wife CC until recently.  So Life time channel!!! Maybe we should write a book or something.  And here I thought my life was quiet.  I got crazy stories.  I also found yesterday that my best friend Ray of Light's friend Tori is cousins to my friend Atalie.  Life....just start chuckling.  I am.  Taking in the day.....Taking in a day

Positive reinforcment

Like anything that needs practice positive reinforcement is important.  I feel like a badass these days.  I am radiating as most people seem to notice.  I sound happier because I am happier inside.  My inside is starting to parallel my outside.  But...demon voices and insecurities will always be there.  That is why it's important to have a support system that believes in you and loves you unconditionally.  I goofed up yesterday in a group chat.  I've never actually used one before and hadn't thought it through about including people or removing them if they wanted to be out of the conversation.  My old insecurities were creeping up of how I tend to f*ck things up.  And what happens? My tribe members expressed frustration at the situation at hand but still showed me unconditional love.  I am struggling with someone used to be in my inner circle.  Our communication is misstepped.  I can't even explain the amount communication mis haps we have had.  I'm heartbroken about it, really.  Angel Eyes is on.  Ever get a song that just calms you? That would be the song.  Especially since I am writing the mishaps of life.  I am not always going to make everyone happy all times of the day.  It's a reality.  But I do my best my best and put my best foot forward with as much kindness and grace as I possibly can. Positive reinforcement is important.  It's easy to fall into the traps of negativity.  Insecurities can create problems that don't exist.  I allowed a friend to "poke the bear".  I really get exhausted by the experience.  I don't necessarily get mad inside but it's unpleasant.  But I trust them so while I don't like it if I were to ask for a complete stop or pause, it would happen.  It did, however, make me realize the amount of assumptions I make in a negative way.  It's not just discrediting myself.  I discredit myself by thinking that people might think the worst of me.  That insecurity of well...I screw things up again.  Last night was an example of thinking the worst.  And yet, between last night and this morning I had members "gently fuss" at me but accepted my poor judgement and moved on.  One told me they loved me.  One texted just to clarify that all was well because chances are they know my emotional trigger complications, and one this morning who said to ask permission to include but once they said their peace...was fine with me.  I'm very lucky to have these people in my life.  

Like no time had passed

Some friends you have that no time passes. We're long distance friends but it shows proof that you can still have a bond many miles away. 14 ...maybe 15 years of friendship.  It had been two months.  Life happens.  But it was like no time had passed

The adventures of getting out of my comfort zone

I am Jeremy's queen.  But when I walk out the door I feel like some adventurous princess.  A princess with a new adventure on her hands.  Last night Jeremy and I went to an event called Zombie walk.  Our friend Emily's birthday fun included this crazy thing.  It was so much fun! But here was the adventure.  I was surrounded by flashing lights.  So I had to be careful.  Yet, I had a different perspective.  I will venture with these lights.  And this time I had protection.  Jeremy and two of our other friends, Daniel and Dom took it upon themselves to protect me.  It felt nice.  Dom is tall(even taller than Jeremy, that crazy German! lol) so he usually stayed in front of my walk line.  Daniel and his wife, Shalynna ( I am sure I am spelling it wrong) were zombie hunters and often made sure to push people back a bit to not get to close to me.  I tend to get claustrophobic when the lights are flashing.  I just become very vulnerable, I suppose.  And I remembered why we didn't go to events like these.  But I was stubborn this time and got through it.  I had so much fun.  We took crazy pictures.  We just had an amazing time.  We met a new friend, also an Emily.  So she was Emily 2.  Some of the friends couldn't make it so we ended up Zombies, at our haunt...Zombies.  This is where we hang out a lot with this crowd.  I love these young ens.  I just got a text from a friend, Lynsey.  It's funny how my best friends' siblings become my family too. I hung out with Katie and Amanda Saturday. and now Lynsey.  I love it.  I've created my own little family.  And it feels wonderful.  I need a slow down day.  I've been running crazy since Friday.  I had another anxiety attack Friday.  Ughs.  I am glad they don't turn into seizures.  But they are still horrible to have.  I find ways to ground myself and calm myself.  I'm glad I am self aware of those triggers and subsequently, the calming factors.  The adventure of getting out of my comfort zone.  This spontaneity kick is kinda fun.  It's out of my comfort zone.  But I am liking venturing out of my comfort zone.  This princess is a bada$$.  And she will have adventures...and live...and show the world her sparkle.  After all, she is Sparklepuss!

Storytelling

It's interesting when starting a new friendship.  I feel the need to bring the "heavy" first.  It's a way of explaining how I am.  And some of the nuances.  When I do. People say...It makes sense! I have forgotten that people don't have disclose like I do.  I may be too truthful for own good.  But such is my personality and I don't plan on changing it.  A conversation with a friend last night reminded me on just being yourself...That it's okay to acknowledge that awesomeness and even the not so awesomeness of my life. Not my personality. But my life.  So...to new friendships. To learning more about myself through these different aspects and personalities in life.  They teach me to be open.  They teach me different ways to look at the world.  I love to learn. It's a way of Storytelling.  

Poems

I wrote two poems yesterday.

I Found myself in the Quiet Spaces

I found myself in the quiet spaces
I broke between the pain and strife
I looked upon my fear and cried
I only wanted one thing
freedom from my silent chain
the voice that imprisoned my smile
I found it in your mirror
I believed it because you saw
the quiet spaces that resides there...
is alive and well
the place where not much is said
and yet volumes are woven
There is a sense of magic from
the quiet space
And I now hold the kingdom


The Very Thought of you


You, the very thought of you
makes me cry from happiness
How did I discredit us?
And yet I knew
My pain
My pain wouldn't allow my peace
To truly see that you've been holding
my hand
Only I hadn't seen it
I'm sorry
I see now that you've always
truly adored and loved me
You're here
That's proof
Thank you for loving me enough to let me be
authentic and free
I love you even more for it
Every day I fall in love with you more and more
Our love is one for the books
but for your sake I'll keep it to myself