Jeapordy kind of thing

Yesterday, I really too notice of the quotes before the Criminal minds episodes.  I was excited to be introduced to a new name regarding quotes.  His name is Ralph Waldo Emerson.  One of his quotes is" In order to learn important lessons in life, one must each day, surmount fear.  It struck a chord in me because I lived in fear for 20 years.  But of what, really? It was an invisible sense.  It was a distorted sense.  It made it no less valid.  Someone had implanted that idea to me. And for a lack of a better word, brainwashed me into thinking it was true.  And when you are already weak in some ways from self esteem...it doesn't help.  I fought myself constantly on my self esteem.  I imagine many girls did.  I lived in a boy's world for most of my childhood to adult life.  Being more friends with women is a recent enough phenomena.  I'd say it's been 10 years.  Which in the grand scheme of things, is recent.  My best friends were usually guys.  I've had girl best friends but even they had the same type of personality as me.  They got along better with guys.  I digress.  Every day, there is something to overcome.  We have stress in life.  Some, more than others.  It just made me wonder the fears we tell others.  And the fear we barely can tell ourselves.  And every day, we work on them.  We try to overcome them.  Some are external factors of things...or people, sexually, emotional, or physically.  Other times, it's us we have to overcome our fear over.  If that makes sense.  The second quote that also stuck with me actually came from a fictional character.  I was talking about it with Jeremy and my execution of my words kinda goofed.  It sounded like I was asking him if he knew Sherlock Holmes.  I said it gave new meaning...No shit, Sherlock lol.  So I restarted my line of thought.  And what it was, more like a question.  Is it a philosopher or a writer than necessarily brings a quote.  And the explanation or pointing out that Jeremy said is more on popularization.  His example was on a fictional character. Captain Picard of the Enterprise.  "Make it so".  (Nerd gasm) (Nerd gasm because I love Star Trek.  My favorite Series the the Next Generation.  My favorite characters were Picard and Data.  I met Roddenberry's wife (Counselor Troy's mom).  I remember meeting some other ones but my conversation with her just stuck with me all my life. Not necessarily the specifics of the conversation. My memory is shot for a lot of my past.  Hazard of having Epilepsy.  More on the feeling inside.  Like an emotional photograph, if that makes sense.    I was in 9th grade at the time.  I had gone with a fellow trekkie friend of mine.  I even got on the news that night.  They had noticed my brief conversation with her.  Tangent.  Geez.  You're used to them by now.  Back to the conversation.  Sherlock Holmes has a quote as well that struck a chord even more.  It is a capital mistake to theorize before one has data.  Insensibly, one begins to twist facts to suit theories, instead of theories to suite facts.  Enter politics.  Or religious organizations sometimes.  Not all do that but it;s where my train of thought went.  Sighs.  I just got a call from the manager.  It was not good news.  My patience is limited.  Jeremy and I talked last night that if they weren't coming today, it was time for him to lay down the law.  I don't have the energy to yell.  But I am tired of this waiting.  I think I have waited long enough.  Be more upfront on how long it's going to take.  I could tell that the manager was trying to excuse that these things happen.  I stopped him and told him I needed to talk to Jeremy about options.  I gave Jeremy the number.  And he's taking care of it.  See, here's an interesting thing about us. Our dynamic with patience.  He understands my philosophy on leeway.  We're flexible on a lot of things.  So by the time, I feel like wanting to yell....it's time for Jeremy to step in.  And does he ever! Blogging does help me feel better about the disappointment.  I waited for Friday.  I confirmed that we were still doing both vinyl and flooring on Wednesday.  No.  I'm not being unrealistic here.  If I had known this vinyl would be such a hassle, we could have gone to Home Depot or Lowe's.  Which might just still happen.  But I still have flooring coming still.  So there is that.  Time to process the frustration and not transition it into anger.  It can easily.  But every day, I work on that.  I'm like the Hulk lol.  Just a prettier version lol I actually have anger issues.  But I've managed to diffuse my emotions from escalating.  Not without help.  Jeremy has been instrumental on helping with that.  Not always how I like it, but how I needed it.  And I trusted him.  I always have.  And when I changed my mindset on things and my approach with him...that interaction changed too.  We constructively critique each other.  We give each other constructive feedback.  That's not always easy to take.  But we step back and process the information.  Stepping back has been amazing to do.  It allows me the time to diffuse my emotional aspect and think more logically.  Yah, me! Men of Honor from Randy Edelman is on.  I also was introduced to a new quotes website.  I love Word Porn.  But there is now Write Vibe that has great quotes.  And since we were on a quotes vibe...I made one of my own.  I'll take Quotes for $100, Alex.  It's a Jeapordy kind of thing.  I'd say 50 points for Gryffindor but I'm Hufflepuff.  Ah...Why not?...50 points for Gryffindor.  I'm waiting for my Hufflepuff stockings to come in.  Gotta love my tangents. Squirrel!

Time can either warm or freeze a heart.
 Memories are the key to that direction
Intent holds the glue.
Consistency helps that direction.
Communication helps one find the key to all that

On the upside

While I didn't get a lot of exposure, I probably feel some effects from it.  You're probably already confused what I/m talking about.  Last night, we finally got to take a look at the garage door opener clicker.  Jeremy worked on it.  I was very appreciative of that.  But he approached me and told me.."You're not going to like something. Brace yourself".  I could already sense what was going to happen so I averted my eyes enough.  I decided to nap for a few more hours before I got up for the day.  He's got another dinner fun thing.  Again, I love how Jeremy is loved and adored by more than just me.  This time to a Brazilian Steakhouse.  This will be our 3 Brazilian steakhouse.  Birthdays are a big deal in the Kearney household.  Back to the clicker.  A blue light flickers.  It was annoying.  I had a rant with him (and a rant on facebook, ) about having purple or green lights.  Companies have to do Blue or Red, colors that trigger for Epileptics.  On the upside to this, I saw how frustrating it was for my husband to have to inform me of this.  His words were..."Seriously?!".  He understands the world I am.  The frustrations of having to deal with triggers.  While this experience was annoying.  It allowed me to see that people close to me are mindful of my triggers.  And that makes my heart melt.  I try saying first world problems but it's probably my way of discrediting. (I still do discredit myself here and there. It's not completely gone).  And it was helpful to hear "D" knock me off that discredit.  She has Diabetes I.  So she understands on some levels and can relate to medical condition limitations. She's a firecracker lol.  True Colors is on.  Old song.  But I still love the song.  It's one of the those songs that ended up on the playlist of my life, if that makes sense. I woke up to it.  And started blogging.  But then, decided to finish listening to it.  Sometimes, blogging calls for more quiet type music.  And then, sometimes my blog calls for my Spotify playlist.  It's like my own playlist for life.  Some I just like because I like.  Others have more meaning or more thought to them.  Angels Fall from Breaking Benjamin is on now.  Oh, I had a Harry Potter moment yesterday. My favorite character from Criminal Minds had a Gryffindor tie on! Maybe it wasn't a house tie but I got excited seeing it.  Yes, I am in love with a fictional character. Don't judge me.  Dr. Spencer Reid is his character name.  You know me.  I like them Tall, white, and nerdy.  Remind you of someone? And usually blond.  I say usually because I've gone offroad before.  My ex boyfriends look nothing like this type. Except for RN. Anyways, I didn't like having to deal with that light.  I'm going to put in the visor so I don't ever have to deal with that light.  And if it's in my hands, I'll put it behind my head.  Jess 1 Epilepsy 0.  Bwahahaha.

The power of words

My friend AP posted this to his wall.  I couldn't stop laughing.  And I figured people needed a laugh after the hail storm we had.  Luckily, Jeremy and I didn't get damage to our cars.  Usually, they are in the garage.  But right now, we have had to park in the complex parking lot.  So I was worried we had gotten hit as well.  As I walked towards the cars, I looked down and saw hail.  It was melted but it was still there.  I don't like walking out in the dark like that but I was too paranoid.  Jeremy didn't even know I had left.  He was fast asleep.  Awww...I just got a quick chat texty thing from Little One. He was trying to catch me up on things.   I miss Little One.  I have a hot date with Jeremy today.  I love our lunches twice a month.  I am so happy I finally had the confidence to ask for what I wanted.  Unless it's really extreme, Jeremy is only happy to oblige.  Smh.  Sometimes I want to hit myself over the head for waiting this long.  But I know it's because I didn't have the confidence.  But on the flip side of that, the power of words can be quite intense.  I had to experience words either said to me or about me....and learn to give the words power.  And at the same time, I am mindful of my words.  So while I am learning to not give power to words that will hurt.  I also learn to watch my words with others.  Even in blog form.  After all, they are a permanence.  As I was scrolling my feed, I came across another post that strangely, was AP again.  It was song called I won't give up.  While it gears towards relationships it's more about just not giving up and fighting for something or someone.  Again, it made me think of words.  The power we give or don't give to them.  The balance of that.  You don't want to give words power.  At the same time, words give such power meaning to emotions.  So again, it's a balance.  I ended up looking up the meaning of the song.  It's a beautiful song.  I love it when my friends teach me something.  Today, I will be mindful of the power of words.

Oh, Internet

I have a sick sense of humor.  I can only seem to post pictures when I post Facebook and some I just can't seem to click.  One is Penis Llama.  I didn't stutter.  One is a baby and mommy is upside down and she is breast feeding him.  And it says Baby keg stand.  Smh.  Oh and the Mommy is hot.  But the others, I did manage to find the courage to post them.  I like making my friends laugh.  I have a twisted sense of humor. What can I say? Stop shaking your head. You know you're laughing. Like some inside joke you're having with yourself. lol

There

Okay.There.   Now I feel more human.  I took a power nap.  I needed it badly.  I felt deliriously sleepy.  And a sleep deprived epileptic is not good.  I did my morning routine.  And I can tell you Zest certainly doesn't make me open my eyes like they have you think in the commercial.  Irish Spring does.  Last night I was so happy I could cook in the kitchen.  I got Jeremy some rum.  That is our routine.  I get him whiskey. We actually have some Bird dog whiskey that is delicious. It's Blackberry Whiskey.  It's my favorite. But I'm saving it for actually have the house in tact.  I probably need to get more Woodford Reserve. That's my second favorite.  I honestly wasn't a whiskey woman. I always saw it as too bitter or too strong for my taste. A friend introduced me to it.  I guess sometimes you have to be introduced to the right things.  Yes, I am an epileptic but I do drink alcohol.  You balance it.  I'm a lightweight so I don't have much of it.  But I don't deprive myself.    Then, we talk for about 30 mins, asking about each other's day.  And then I start dinner.  I felt so happy inside to have that part of our routine back.  I know we can go out.  But we did that all last week and that costs money.  And while we live comfortable, we aren't exactly rich.  So, when I can...I get stubborn and want to cook.  MC loaned me her plug so we have a fridge again.  I tossed food out.  But again, I don't feel as bad because we shop daily.  I forgot to work on the Universal remote.  I probably should do that today.  I am so relieved that all it took was buying a universal remote.  I'm not entirely convinced yet.  But I explained about our garage door and Home Depot and Lowe's were both confident about it working.  I guess this issue is rather common.  I ended up getting it at Home Depot when "D" was on her Home Depot errand.  Actually, I was thinking about finality and closure yesterday.  I was thinking about when you get it. And when you don't.  Whether in death or termination of a friendship or relationship.  When my Grandma passed away, I got closure.  I got to hold her hand.  When Grandpa Jim passed away...again..I got closure.  I was holding his hand.  When Aaron passed, I didn't.  I had just seen him the night before.  I kept replaying if there was anything I missed or could have seen.  When some of my friends and I have parted, I thought about the closure we got or didn't for that matter.  I used to think I needed it.  But as months or years passed, I accepted that closure is not something I would get.  And that finality or processing actually was my own closure. I couldn't imagine parting from Jeremy.  But Jeremy actually told me that no matter what happened to us as a couple, we would be friends.  That would never change.  I'm morbid and a little disturbed when it comes to my humor.  I told him that divorce wasn't an option.  He'd have to kill me or something.  And I'd prefer a knife.  I've been stabbed with a knife.  (on my thumb) And I've had a gun put to my head ( I was 14, and the idiot was high).  I'll take the knife.  When your husband is also your best friend, you say crazy stuff to each other.  I didn't realize how much he was until I needed him to be my best friend more than my husband some time back.  If that makes any sense.  Did I mention how much I love that man? It's also nice to hear daily now how lucky he feels to be married to me. And that I am an amazing woman.  Badass is what he says. lol .I needed to hear those things so much.   Okay Okay.  I'll try to stop making you puke.  (insert puke sound) There.  Somewhere in Time from Danny Wright is on.

It is said

It is said that your dreams are symbols.  Good.  Because I'd like to know what Jessica Chastain, a high school classmate, and watching some dancing meant.  And then, the next dream.  I think Little One was getting married (he'll get a kick out of that), CN, an ex best friend, Brad, an old boyfriend, and something with a gala.  I was all dressed up. So was Jeremy.  It was all kinds of weird.  I tried sleeping more because that just seemed too weird for words.  I'm tired.  I didn't sleep well. I am feeling it right now.  And when I'm like this, it's best if I'm left alone.  I get too grumpy for my own liking.  I need a nap.  I'm trying to keep my eyes open.  It's not working.  This is one of those days I am not happy go lucky.  A nap.  I think another nap is coming up.  I wish I had more for you but I'm tired.  On a good note, I was listening to some music as I was resting.  And Vanessa Mae came on.  She is a violinist.  A very accomplished one, I might add.  Long before I knew about Lindsey Sterling, I was fascinated by Vanessa Mae's violin skills.  Anyways, I was half way asleep, sorta daydreaming.  And I saw Jeremy dancing with me.  That's a big deal.  I see Jeremy doing many things with me.  But dancing really hasn't been one of them.  And then I remembered....He actually said sometime ago.  We should do dancing lessons.  I know how much that would make you happy.  That would.  I think I will keep that thought as I try to sleep again.

My new favorite day

Friday is my new favorite day.  That is provided the manager keeps his word and everything gets done that day.  The flooring, the carpet, the lights...and anything else that needs repair or improving.  This is me frustrated.  I am attempting a smile.  Ughs.  This is me venting.  First world problems.  That's what I tell myself.  That my frustration is housewifey gotta see this house day in and day out, it's my sanctuary and it needs improvement I'm trying to stay positive look.  Is it working?