Heart to Heart

I hate the word honest.  But let's be honest.  Heart to hearts are important to have if you are going to get to truths.  It's not just about what people say.  It's how they say it.  And if in front of you, any body language you can detect.  That's important.  And I accept that I was not was forthcoming on where I was regarding emotions and other things.  I'm too busy sometimes looking out for other people, I forgot about my own feelings.  I forget about my own wants and needs.  It's a big problem.  And I'm working to address it.  I do feel bolder.  I myself feel slightly bitchy, in general but it was a ecard that I got yesterday that made me laugh.  It said yes. I know I know. I stood up for myself. I'm such a bitch.  And it was so right on the money.  What I might consider being selfish is nothing but me standing up for myself.  But I accommodate so much, I lose sight of my wants and needs.  And that sparkling glitter happiness bag gets thinned out.  And then, I resent.  I am sad that it does take me to have to point out to certain people that too much is too much.  I would think common sense might help that along.  However, I am learning that I can't assume people are as mindful as I am.  I am mindful of grooves.  I am mindful of space.  I am mindful of treasures.  And when I screw up.  I am mindful of accountability.  I am no angel, by any stretch.  And I gotta stop being some type of martyr too.  Mousy me is not good.  I don't like how I react when I am in her form.  But today is a day of growth.  And forgiveness too.  Do I fear that people will still hurt me.  Yes.  But I remember a list once that stated how I forgive.  I'd like to think I am still that person.  Not because I want to be whatever that person listed.  But because they thought my forgiveness was a good aspect of me to like.  And it was important enough they listed it.  So, forgive I will.  And start again.  I have learned that some in my life are beyond that type of dialogue.  It is sad.  But it also helps me to accept that.  Some things aren't meant to return to same.  Some things are simply lessons to learn.  That was a lesson.  And in some ways, I hope I was a lesson.  I strive to be a positive impact on people's lives.  And that is still sometimes I strive for.  Heart to hearts help you learn the more deeper aspects of a friendship, relationship, or family relation.

Logic versus emotion

It's something I have to figure out.  The logic of something versus the emotion.  It does help my decision tree when I have all the information.  Unfortunately, I am learning that forthcoming isn't something so natural.  Image, maybe? Every day is a new opportunity for growth.  And so those words are important to remind myself. Every day is an opportunity to grow.  Today, I sensed my body needed more time so I rested longer.  These past couple of weeks took a toll on my body.  Where is my Mind by Maxence Cyrin is on.  I also realized I have a big peeve about credit not being given.  Sometimes in life, it just won't happen.  Giving credit where credit is due. And depending on who is the recipient of the information, I can decide if I want to fight for the information to be credited to me.  In the long run, I don't care for this individual so....there's my answer.  Selfishness and greediness is unbecoming of people.  But most especially, when you involve me with your selfishness.  And people have learned.  I cut you out.  If my health gets affected, I cut you out.  Turns out, no one really is immune to that.  That's empowering and a little frightening all at once.  This Logic versus emotion is quite the conundrum at times.  It makes it even more interesting because of my cognitive struggles.  But I work through it.  Btw, I don't like anyone confusing my kindness for stupidity.  And just maybe, I felt that was happening.  I'm emotionally exhausted.  So I just rebuild my emotional strength every day.  It's all I can do.  My world looks the same to those who don't know.  And in some ways it is.  But it isn't.  I am hesitant to call it better yet.  Decision tree kind of thing.  I need time to see that type of answer.  And that's what will happen.

Checking in with myself

Here and there I will post a picture to see if that smile is coming back.  Still, I do look ravishing and beautiful...even without the smile. And look at me, saying it without any irony or nervous laugh.

A journey to take

This journey I am on.  This is a journey to take.  Each day, I take in my experiences.  I process.  I reflect.  It's the first time that if I'm being honest with myself, I don't really know what my future looks like.  I know what I want it to look like.  But I can't just switch on and off.  I forgive easily.  And right now I almost feel at conflict with my own personality.  Oh, how I want to be that bubbly happy go lucky woman again.  But I'm not.  And I'm not going to fake my way through life, simply because I might make a person or persons uncomfortable.  I wish I wasn't like this.  But sometimes we become the people we are and manifest like this because of how we were treated.  It isn't an excuse.  And I am still mindful of how I treat people.  I just choose to be selfish more right now.  And really...is it being selfish if I'm trying to take care of myself? Because sometimes it does have to take me to think of me.  I appreciate those who already do it on their own.  They are truly loved by me.  I thought I knew truths of life.  But right now, I question things.  And maybe that's not such a bad thing.  My opinion means the most it has ever been to me.  I am learning I don't need to validate my worth by what others say.  In the end, it's what I think of myself.  And as I close my eyes, I feel the essence of my bad assery.  Laugh if you must.  It's me gaining my strength back.  It's me learning to live my confidence.  You don't see it.  Well,. Boo on you.  You're not as smart as I thought if you can't see the beautiful power and beauty that this creature is.  I don't know what every day will bring.  I don't know how I will react to things now.  I feel like I am in a whole new ball game.  But here I am...this is a journey to take.

Rebuild

My new favorite word.  Whether friendship, marriage, or family.  When there is conflict.  There is rebuild.  It's starting, only better because you have invaluable information.  I know I do.  I don't particularly like the information.  But at least I know where to put it to form decision tree action.  Rebuild.  It's the first time I am questioning my world.  It's a surprise to me just as anybody else that I am thinking about things.  But I guess when you see something or experiencfe things...you have to figure...do you want to work on it? Or is it enough to walk away? The good news is that I have an overpour of support.  I think the Universe wanted me to see a lesson.  And see I did.  I can't reach out and say...You know...I get it.  I don't know if I was wrong or right in that situation.  But if you read this still, just know....I get it, now.  And I'm sorry for anything I personally did.  And if I didn't hold myself accountable....I am now.  Rebuild.  Rebuild my confidence. 1) Don't have anyone hold that much stock of your worth.
Good or bad.  Stop looking or seeking validation for your worth.  You are a beautiful and amazing creature.  People see this pure essence of you that they can't explain but they gravitate towards.  You're an amazing friend.  How amazing? This month, without even thinking twice....I am facing Javier.  Not for my sake.  But for my friend's  I didn't even think twice.  I recognize that I might feel my own inner turmoil from facing him.  But it's more important to be there for my friend.  I inspire her.  I am proof you can survive Javier and thrive, despite him.  She draws strength from me.  It's hard to explain to a person what a rape really does for a person.  Only until recently did I even understand what it meant.  I have been suppressing this pain for 20 years.  It took a strong and caring friend to push and push and wouldn't give up on me.  And for that, I can never repay that favor.  I can only thank for unlocking what I have been needing to face for many years.  It affects how I react, trust, think, about things.  It manifested my personality.  I also had the added Epilepsy to contend with.  Then, the PCOS added extra complications.  It's not wonder I was always anxious.  And I understand why I discredited myself.  I started discrediting myself.  It frustrates me because I catch myself or worse, my support system.  I am rebuilding my Zen.  I have to walk away sometimes because I can feel anger well up.  I had a system.  I knew how to control it.  Right now...if I'm perfectly honest.   I don't.  I've reacted horribly 3 times.  Once when I got called a name.  I went crazy.  But that person actually felt responsible and covered for me.  The second time, I almost punched the person because the trigger of delicate little flower just got to me.  And the third time...it was a name and game.  Apparently, I get upset when anyone thinks I am playing a game.  Being authentic means I don't play games.  Why do I tell you these things? As a reference of what to do or not to do.  Learn from my mistakes.  See how this can help you.  I am taking it day by day.  Is the sparkle gone? I'm not sure.  The bubbly happy person doesn't seem to reside right now.  More like the jaded realistic bitchy me is here.  I almost feel it necessary that I am.  What good was it that I was nice? Nice gets me in trouble.  Nice gets me taken advantage of.  Nice gets me too much of a doormat.  And struggling to address healthy boundaries.  So....now what? In Dreams by Lorie Line is on.  One day at a time.  It's all I can do.  And rebuild.

Walking through

It's a surreal feeling walking through a new mindset.  Never say never.  Really.  Here is something to know about me.  I trust you.  Until you give me a reason or reasons to not trust you.  No matter who you are.  Taking people of pedestals might actually be a good thing.  I don't have much stock on receiving words of affirmation.  I'm sad about that.  But the pressure is off.  In the long run, I step back and realize I am a fucking bad ass.  And if anyone can't see it, or sometimes say it...it's fine.  But I have no excuses for you anymore.  And it's because from a span of a month, I saw things.  Like a movie spirally out of control...I saw things.  And it was like I was an audience member. Not part of the movie.  Even if the life was my movie.  I don't need to prove that I was right.  Honestly.  It's not all in my head.  I'm not crazy.  In a sense, THE BITCH was really summoned.  I don't like her really.  She seems to have to come out because she reacts to her environment in an extremely negative way.  But you summon her.  You summon her.  I'm not proud of some of my actions.  But they were necessary.  And I don't expect or really care if anyone understands that.  I care about what people.  Right, this side of me deep down...if you were to ask if I give a shit what anyone thinks...I would have to answer as forthcoming...no.  I have worked so hard to squelch my anger.  And in one fell swoop....5 to 6 years of work just vanished.  My world is no longer Zen.  It hasn't been.  It wasn't months back. Then it was.  Then it wasn't again.  And now it's not Zen because of the effects of what happens after conflict and war.  It's like surviving a blast.  PTSD of emotions, if you will.  Spark in the Night Lullaby by Gary Stadler.  I emerged a different person.  A bit more jaded about things. So, every day, I work towards some different version of whole.  I don't even know where to start.  I'm whole in some ways.  I'm completely empty in others. I don't play games.  I loathe that word never so I will simply say...It's not in my nature to play games.  And while I struggle with articulating my arguments, I know what I know.  I'm not stupid.  I'm slow to respond.  My cognitive is different because of the Epilepsy.  But don't presume that I'm stupid or crazy.  I accept that I assume things.  And so I work towards clarification, and perspectives, and truths.  But don't presume I am stupid.  Just because I don't say anything.  I have to recharge.  I have to figure out my limits.  While trying to be a nice person.  In fact, my problem is I'm too nice.  It may be the reason I see more reasons to let THE BITCH stay.  I'm still working out the kinks on that since I don't like that about me.  Something that seems necessary versus something that seems against my nature.  It's a tough one.  And maybe, just maybe I weave between the two.  Walking through all this is a little numbing.  For now, I'm just taking it day by day.  Taking in the experiences.  And figuring it out as I go.  I have no plan.  I have no structure right now.  I don't even know what tomorrow looks like.  I'm still figuring it out today. 
All this...this clusterfuck of a storm, a storm I am new to...could change things.  I guess it depends on how I will let it change me.  For the better. Or worse.  All this clusterfuck...it makes me sad.  But if this was the true nature....then....in some ways...it was necessary to be here. 

Facing

My fear is saying too much.  So maybe there is a way not to be fake with you and you just don't know the information.  I'm in agony.  And it's a silent hell I am in.  I watch and I keep second guessing myself because the outside seems to tell me the sky is red.  Only as far as I knew, the sky was blue.  Hence, my mousiness.  Am I the confident bubbly woman you know and love? Right now.  No.  I'm steadfast in my confidence that my truth is my truth. This is what I wrote today on my post.  I haven't posted since Friday.  Truth is a tricky thing.  Storms come in many forms. Weathering and navigating life and its many experiences shows the kind of person you are...and are not.  My hope is every day, people who interact with me online, over the phone, and in person see I'm being authentic as I can possibly be.  I imagine when I look back at this time, this is a turning point for me.  One I was expecting to ever entertain.  Remember something.  Never say never.  Yeah.  Thanks, Justin Beiber for ruining that line.  But long before your douchiness was around, that was a saying.  I understand "changing" your mind.  But there is a finesse you must take when doing that.  I received some information recently that also threw me for a loop.  I keep thinking...if I had known that information a previous storm would've never taken place.  It's funny how that happens.  In some ways I look at something with new eyes.  Too bad there is no crystal ball.  How I might do things different.  But the danger is how far back to go.  Honestly, I do feel butterfly effect right now.  The demons are running less rampantly inside.  But they are in full swing currently.  Luckily, I have a support system that refuses to let me drown in demon poison.  Sometimes, just for one moment, since I am in the habit of second guessing myself if this is all in my head.  And then I kick myself in the ovaries and stomp my foot metaphorically and say no.  I see my truth.  I understand this.  This is not in my head.  Facing truth.  Confronting truth.  It is something I am willing to do.  I react to my environment.  The very moment I think differently is because something or someone in my environment made a case for me to question.  I am too nice for my own good.  And honestly, foolish.  I trust way too much.  I handed my agony over on a plate.  That's the negative part of me.  But in the same run, I say no....I was trying to express I understand balance.  I am a fan of balance.  But between blank checks, checklists and numbers, infringe, using, deception, honor, perception, and authentic.....I become lost again.  I am authentic as I possibly can be.  But somehow, someway...that is a lost cause.  And so...here I am...facing....not sure what yet.  Uncharted territory.  I've never been here.  I remember having to navigate unchartered.  That first time I was hoping I understood that truth was what I was getting.  But it was all in my head.  This time.  I was hoping I understood truth.  But it's all in my head.  As you can see, that would be a good reason to second guess yourself.  Trust is so hard for me and yet I make so much effort to trust people.  Devotion by Jim Brickman is on.  I am hoping as each day passes this storm subsides.  In some ways, it's business as usual.  In some ways it may never be the same again.  Same as it never was.  And that...that is a fear.  Something broke a few months for me.  I almost feel a de ja vu inside.  It's weird.  I keep gathering my thoughts and trying to process.  It's not easy for me to wrap myself around the last month.  But really, the last week.  I'm emotionally exhausted.  I'm sad.  I'm not angry.  I'm frustrated.  I'm sad again.  I'm heartbroken.  I'm lost.  But I fight to remind myself that I am such an extraordinary amazing woman.  And I will keep fighting to remind myself.