Earth Shadow - Deuter

Currently listening to this

Focus

What a difference a year can make.  I was looking at the memories thing.  I took a big leap and did a transformation today.  I became art, so to speak.  I became a story.  A year ago.  I regret a lot.  And then, I don't.  I, myself, became a more healed person doing my journey.  It may not be the journey that anyone can understand or care to.  And maybe, somewhere I found out how much I need to love myself.  My nature is to give give give give.  Maybe I'm tired of giving.  Maybe I need to just take.  And I can't say that with a straight face.  Sighs.  It's not my nature.  Sometimes I envy those who are selfish.  Is that weird? I don't apologize for the person I am.  But sometimes, my compassion is what gets me in my messes in life.  Sometimes....I care too much.  There's more that I share here sometimes than I am with any one person.  It's hard to explain.  At least it's not pain any more that I am holding back.  It's decisions I've made.  It's living with my rewards and my consequences.  It's dealing with good and bad.  I guess I had so much good that I need a little bad.  And considering how bad things get with people...I've got first world status.  But I'm not in Zen.  I'm happy.  But I'm not in Zen.  And maybe I need that.  To learn how to handle that life is a rollercoaster.  Better get ready for work.  Have a good day.  I am considering stopping my blog.

liquid mind - serenity

this is what a good head space can feel like

To be for others

The Elders Scrolls V Skyrim Original Game soundtrack by Jeremy Souele is on.  My gamer friends would appreciate that! I've had a couple of them and Jeremy suggest this game.  However, I like console better and I like two player or multiplayer.  I digress.   Today, I got a text from a friend that made me think....to be for others.  I imagined how our actions helped others be the best version of themselves.  How us, as support systems helped others to fuction.  I thought of that...and I smiled.  I have a friend dealing with a very important meeting.  I have another that has a job that requires the kind of patience and strength that only few have.  I have another that is dealing with divorce about many years and full time parenting at this point.  And that is just a handful that need ..guidance?insight? feedback? My take? My voice of reason? I don't know if if have a word for it yet, really.  I got more sleep. It seemed my body was more tired than I let on.  I live for those, they're not even naps...just a way to give my body permission to be still.  Almost a version of meditation for me? Sometimes music is on.  Sometimes it's not.  Sometimes I'm watching something.  Sometimes I am actually sleeping.  My thoughts slow down.  I'm sometimes somewhere else.  I'm sometimes still right there but truly see my present state.  I hope you get to be for others.  I hope there are others that depend on you.  Personally, it's a good feeling.  I love the feeling.  That others depend on me. Whether for insight or for that certain positive energy to get them through.  It's why I love my job.  To be for others...I hope you get the chance to be for others.....If not.  I hope you find a way. Because, I have those that I seek out when the sun doesn't set right.  And instead of being that beautiful Unicorn that I am, I just feel like a horse that stabs.  That's when I depend on them to remind me that I have a sparkle in me.  I am a badass.  I am amazing.  I am, actually.  The insane badass things that I do.  That includes wife.  Dork face has trouble saying them.  But his actions remind me how grateful and happy he is to be my husband.  When I am in that dark place, the beautiful words I need more.  When I am back to normal, they're nice...but not necessary.  I am happy I am in a better head space to say that.  Now, to get my day going.  I have a big week ahead of me next week.  I am excited and nervous about my new assignment.

Truth is..

The truth is...I'm still figuring out the kinks in this thing called life.  Blogs are not necessarily because people are experts.  Certainly, when I started this blog, it was an extension of some version of a diary.  I invited you in on some of my inner thoughts.  Were all my thoughts right? No.  Were all my thoughts wrong? No.  They were my thoughts.  And by choice, you decided to read one or more than one of my thoughts.  I read one blog.  And that's the friend who inspired me to blog.  She was going through some life changes.  And her very raw and very vulnerable writing reminded me that writing this is very vulnerable.  At any point, without my knowledge, you're judging me.  And really, it's okay.  I'm almost 40.  You won't be the first person to judge me.  I'm sure you won't be the last.  I just got tired.  I don't have the energy to care what someone thinks.  I respect feedback.  I respect others' opinion.  But you haven't been in my shoes.  You haven't lived my story.  Whether wrong or right, it's the journey I chose to take.  I take the rewards and consequences.  It is something to think about when someone has an opinion about your life.  Even someone close to you.  Now, with that...it doesn't mean to be an asshole about it.  There is still respect to be made.  More often than not, people interpret that as a way to be assholes.  It isn't always easy to rationalize things out like this.  And I can tell you...I still struggle separating emotions versus logic.  At least in some aspects of my life.  But knowing that I struggle with this, I learn every day how to improve. Failing is failing to try.  I heard that from a movie I saw the other day.  The best exotic Marigold hotel.  I love quotes.  Criminal Minds gives me plenty to write down.  It's almost too much.  One day I can go back on IDMB and check out some of the quotes.  In the meant time, I am off to work.  I start a new schedule next week.  I am excited and nervous.  I hope you have a sparkling day.

Poetry

I wrote two poems yesterday.  I hadn't written anything in awhile.  I felt on some emotional space, writer's block.  My head was somewhere else.  But what I learned is that I have to be the one in control of how I react to my world.  And that is no easy task for me sometimes.  Here it is.  My poetry


Battle
You cannot win
You think you do
I see that smile
I feel that sneer
There are battles I lose
Sometimes daily
But the war I wage
My confidence, thy Queen
is well worth every dragon I slay
It's my voice that slays the dragon
It's my thoughts that make me bleed
I am my own hero
I am also my worst enemy
But tomorrow I wake
a new perspective in place
Hope...in the hoope
that one day I'll free myself of my chains
shackles I can't even explain
a prison I don't know existsand stand on my own two feet and say


I AM MORE THAN ENOUGH






unravel

The monster within unravels
through fear
eating away
festering
It comes through the thoughts
It bites through the good
The sword to fight is empowerment
Beautiful words to tell myself
Love letters to blanket the bullets of pain
that came through from the word that rings true
Bullying
Someone was a bully
with fists
with words
with force
Fight back.  Fight free
But do this
Don't become your own bully
That is the worst of them all

This song

At my work at Medtronic, this song had me hooked.  I've been looking for this song.  It's the most popular hold music.