to ponder

I love this picture of us.  It's silly.  Every day is a blessing with her.  Especially since she is older.  15 years old.  

Food for thought

Indeed.  I posted this to my timeline along with the picture below.

Bwhahahhaahhhahahh

The human condition

So I had a funny thing happen on Saturday.  One of my best friends had a get together on Saturday.  While we were there, I hit it off with one of the other ladies invited.  I mean, from the get go, we just hit it off and were talking.  Come to find out, this was the person my best friend had always told me I should meet.  She knew we would hit it off.  When my best friend saw us, she smiled and said, "I knew you two would hit it off.".  And then, we looked at each other.  "Oh, You're the one!!!", simultaneously.  It was hilarious.  You think it was scripted.  It's not necessarily that "Laura" and I have all things in common.  But somehow, we felt like we had always known each other.  What was even funnier was seeing how well our husbands hit it off.  I hadn't even put two and two together and associated her and her husband.  But I noticed my husband hit it off with someone too.  It reminded me of how complete strangers sometimes connect better than what seemed like friends in the past.  It was a weird revelation.  I think part of the line of thought came from a conversation regarding Javier.  I actually said I was relieved I don;t mean anything to him.  That I was that disposable.  Sounds crazy, right? But hear me out.  Once I got my healing journey going.  Once I saw my value, I saw that his opinion meant and means shit.  And so does anyone that has a negative opinion.  That's not to say that someone that has a constructive critique of me doesn't have merit or credentials in what they say.  It just means that I don't seek validation in anyone's opinion.  Which is strange...coming from me.  My healing journey is a work in progress still.  I have much too learn through the constant healing that life has to offer me.  Yes, life has thrown some serous lemonades at me.  And while I can't make margaritas with them because Tequila hates me....I figure something out.  You find hacks.  You find ways to see the positive in each negative situation.  And while I have always known that philosophy, I think my heart somehow forgot certain aspects of that mantra.  Life is too short.  I got told something beautiful that just hit me like a ton of bricks.  Life is too short and full of the opportunity to dwell in ugliness.  That's paraphrasing but you get the idea.  Even the cries I might have.  The sighs I might have.  The tiredness I might have.  I am truly blessed and lucky.  I have my health.  Yes.  I really said...I had have my health.  I'm a high functioning Epileptic.  How many Epileptics you know work AND drive? I work hard to keep my health in control.  I have friends that ground me and keep me sane when inner demons like have to fun with me.  It's so easy to let insecurities get the best of us.  You're not smart enough.  You're fat.  You are getting older.  You're not good enough.  Your thoughts and values don't matter.  Far more scars go into rape than just physical.  One of the theories that I was helped with to understand is that Javier doesn't like to leave evidence.  That's why there were never any physical scars.  It's scary to see these days the kind of rape culture we really have.  I mean...what is interesting to remember while not getting too political is...the explanation I got for someone voting for someone that overtly was mysoginistic.  Yeah.  But I'm not voting for him because of that.  That's still part of him.  And it was hard to make an argument when the other side to vote had the title of enabler.
I still don't understand certain things being thrown around regarding healthcare.  My condition is on there.  I'm not sure where this blog entry direction was going.  Life still keeps going.  I'm working alot more.  27-32 hours is like putting in 40.  But one of my friends introduced me to an interesting hack.  Pedialyte.  Don't judge me. lol I took one today and while I'm pooped, it's not passing out exhausted pooped.  And I'm having to deal with two nights of staying up late during the weekend.  Off the soap box I go.  I try to mostly center this blog around my healing journey, health, marriage, and life.  But here and there I do bring up things to think about.  These things affect me so I write about them.  I want to say sorry that I offended someone.  But I can't.  I wish decency was part of our normal.  I wish people didn't have to deal with being violated on a physical, ,mental, emotional, and /or sexual capacity.  But we do.  It just makes us stronger.  And for those who can't be, maybe this blog is their voice.  You come into my world and learn something.  That I'm silly.  That I'm human.  That I'm kind.  That I make mistakes.  That I am genuine and forthcoming.  That I'm human.  It's important to document the human condition.

loopy

Actually kind of loopy right now.  I gave blood today.  I hadn't for a while because my health wasn't where I wanted to be. It's better now. I'm tired.  I'm ready for a nap.  But wanted to at least say hi.  I hope you're well.  I'm ready to sleep in the weekend.  I got to sleep in today.  Sleep is my medicine.  It helps me maintain my life.  What else? Things are good.  Preparing for Lovie graduating and moving in.  I wish I had more for you but sometimes I am a nice boring person doing my life.  Take care.  Nap.  I'm gonna take that nap.

stuff

Want.  They're lamps

Food for thought

Damn, Skippy!

Bwhahahhahha

L gave me this duct tape.  Wine is the duct tap for women.  It fixes everything.  But now, Unicorn duct tape fixes everything!!!

Kind words, kind gestures

Maybe because I was on my last energy yesterday did I feel extra sensitive today.  The Mondayest of Mondays.  Work part was great.  I love MR.  Except for the other day where she was having her own storm, we have such a great system going.  However, the rest of the day was grating on me.  I went to an appointment no woman enjoys.  And my nail caught on something and ripped.  Don't worry.  It's okay to laugh.  I did too.  Then, while 98% of my job is amazing, there is one person that hasn't quite understood healthy boundaries on asking me to work and my condition.  So, they irk me.    Mainly because they don't do their job well and I get affected.  Lucky for me, the good outweighs the bad. The rest of my work is exceptional.   Then, my package came back to me.  I was so exhausted.  I just wanted to go home.  I slept in today.  I needed it.  I wanted to get some birthday things for a belated birthday for my friend, Mrs. W.  I managed to find birthday cake cookies.  And I got her a pink blanket.  I also needed to get some stuff for our dinner tonight with a friend of ours, BEE.  And then, get lunch of course.  I have felt on edge.  Not mad or anything.  More sad on knowing a situation, a reality I have to accept.  And out of nowhere, kind words and kind gestures were given.  Enough to make me cry even more.  I'm already such an emotional and sensitive sap anyways! Those kind words are helping me deal.  Because life doesn't always go your way.  Life takes turns that you can't recover from.  Life happens.  My panel has been wonderful on helping me "deal".  It may seem small to you that you make kind words or kind gestures.  I was grateful for them. I hope I get the opportunity to do that for someone.

and yet

I'm tired.  Exhausted, really.  And yet, here I am....blogging.  Probably because I can't quite sleep yet.  I had a doctor's appointment.  The kind no woman really enjoys but knows it's necessary.  And since I am 40 now, I am the right age for a mammogram.  *Groan*.  I was set to go home when the UPS store told me my package returned to me.  Sighs.  I just wanted to go home.  I'm not mad.  I'm just...tired.  I wanted to hang out with a friend but I need to sleep in tomorrow.  And of course, my old client.  I am looking forward to my hot lunch date with Jeremy this week.  And I'm giving blood after almost two years.  I feel like something is going on somewhere, somehow.  Somewhere I have to make sure I have my calendar.  And then figure out other players involved with my calendar.  It's life.  But when I'm exhausted it's a ughs, life.  As soon as I get that nap, I'll feel better.  I just have the hamster thinking too much.  and yet....I'm blogging.  Walk away, Jess.  Go rest.  Stare at the ceiling if you have to.  Jeremy finally registered for his test.  I'm excited and nervous for him.  Okay...must rest.  This is a sloppy blog entry.  Sorry.  I just am not much for braining at this point.

Give myself a break

I've been working all week.  And by Friday, I could feel it.  An interesting thing happened when I got off work.  I needed to turn in my paperwork for payroll.  I always feel better about turning it paperwork over to the one who handles it in person.  That's just me.  I hadn't seen my non boss/boss.   The interesting thing about my job is that I'm my own boss.  Granted, there are rules and regulations but they're common sense ones.  I set my own hours.  I don't feel pressured to take a job on.  If I say yes to a fill in, it's because I chose it.  I was looking forward to this Friday also to have dinner with one of my best friends and hang out.  She asked if I could work today.  And without hesitation, I said no.  I was doing something.  Sleeping in.  And she laughed and said, "Good for you!".  I explained I had been working all week and was at my limit.  And she understood.  And mentioned boundaries for myself.  No feeling of guilt.  No feeling of I had let someone down because I said no.  I give myself a break....for giving myself a break.  My battery runs on 80% out the gate.  Your 100 is my 80.  Not by choice.  Just the way the manufacturing was on this body. lol I came defective. But I make it work.  I am a lucky person.  And I don't take that lightly.  Many Epileptics can't drive.  I do.  I also have such an amazing relationship with my neurologist, we work to continue my success for a healthier life.  I am conscious of my nutritional intake.  Not to say I don't partake in some indulgence.  I just balance it out.  I am a lot more active.  My sleep cycle is better.  I'm less stressed out.  And when I am stressed, I find ways to resolve the problem so I alleviate my stress.  I also have a job.  And not only that, my company knows about my condition.  And still was willing to give me a chance.  That is a gift I can never repay.  Do I have to slow down sometimes because my body can't keep up.  Yes.  I take lots of naps.  But just like I don't take birth control for birth control.  I take it for medicine, I see naps as medicine.  I am purposeful on choices I make in order keep balance with my illnesses.  I have been that person who has had 5 or 6 seizures a day.  I did lose muscle in my legs that at one point, I was using a walker.  I have had to crawl down my stairs.  But my goal was to be here. Here where I could lead as healthy as a life that someone with Epilepsy can.  It's been a part of me so long, I learned early on how to swim upstream and jump to go to the top.  And even the silent thing like PTSD.  I have learned to live with these things in a healthy manner.  It's been a journey.  A rough one.  Where I failed many times to have good health.  But today I can happily say I am a healthy woman who has Epilepsy. I have it.   It doesn't define me.