Through the Dark

Through the Dark by Helen Jane Long is on.  I had quite a messy but wonderful conversation last night.  But it brought up something my friend, Aaron, who has passed away, constantly said.  I looked it up right now to see if he got it as a quote since it seems like such a quote to be said already. Perhaps not.  The quote goes, "Communication is an everyday miracle".  I suppose, depending on the person, my communication skills vary.  Talking with SADV, "L", Dear One, or CC is like butta.  It's so natural.  Talking to Jeremy is the easy part.  But talking with him, sometimes.  That's another thing.  We have such a different communication style.  It's like we developed a way to meet in the middle with our styles.  It's not always difficult to talk to Jeremy.  That was part of our pull to each other.  We had such a great banter, flirty, playful way with each other.  It makes me smile because that hasn't changed with us.  We're husband and wife, now.  But we still have a great banter, flirty, playful way with each other.  It's the difficult stuff that sometimes stumps us.  Each couple has to find their language and what I call "their dance".  We were no different.  Our dance has also evolved.  One of the things I am learning about marriage and relationships in general, is the partners need to evolve together, in order to maintain the relationship.  Well, in my experience, these are a couple of the things I would say are in the mix, so to speak. 

1) What do you have in common? What are you interests, together? What are they. individually?
You want to have some bonds, something that glues you two together.  However, you also want to allow each other space in the relationship.  Trying to have each waking moment together can feel like suffocating.  That is not healthy for the relationship.  It also doesn't negate that you have strong bond.

2) A friendship helps.  I've seen couples whom are not friends have a great relationship.  But I will say this.  In my experience, having a friendship with your spouse is such a great feeling.  I would say the words, best friend towards my husband.  But was I really actively being one? Or he for that matter.  We worked on our friendship when we worked on our relationship.  We communicated grievances, hurts, happiness things, wants and needs...you name it.  We communicated the deep stuff where I got to experience deep emotional conversations and Jeremy didn't feel it was "too much feels".  I changed my communication skill

3) Patience.  If you want to make it the long haul with your partner...have patience with them.  Have patience with each other to improve in communication skills


4) Make sure you're in to win it.
Twice, Jeremy and I have been at the edge on what I call the "11th" hour.  We were broken up, once.
We were on the phone.  If we hung up, we are confirming that we were done for.  Yet, neither of us could do it.  We started laughing.  It was then that I figured... We will figure it out, somehow. 
The second time it happened, was last year.  I can't tell you that my perception of a situation was reality or not.  But it was enough for me to distrust.  Keep in mind.  All last year I was dealing with Javier healing stuff.  I was opening up years of triggers.  One friend had, in the best way possible, "poked the bear" and I had to reconcile with the idea I really wasn't okay.  I had this tough exterior up.  But I hadn't dealt with my rape.  Whether I wanted to admit it or not, it affected my communication style.  It affected how I reacted to life.  It affected how I reacted to trusting men.  That includes Jeremy.  We had one night.  It seemed like it was the end.  I was certain we were looking at divorce.  But there again...we stopped.  We needed to know if this is what we both wanted.  And the answer was a resounding no.  So we figured it out.  That's what I mean, in it to win it. 


5) Convey to your partner that they are the priority.  I think both of us failed on that for a little while.
I was still learning and still constantly learn how to communicate healthy boundaries with life, itself.  But I noticed when both of us conveyed and actively showed  we were a priority, it mattered to that other person.  Whether it's work, a video game, another friend...convey to that person, even on a most random way, that they are a priority.  It makes a difference. 


6) Find what works for you.  I've given this insight.  But this could be nothing that works for you.  It doesn't mean this insight is right.  It doesn't mean it's wrong either.  This worked for me.  Find what works for you. 

Funny thing...Number 6 also can also be used for friendship.  It's been invaluable to me to remember that.  My different friendships work for me the way they do. 

Strive to always improve communication skills.  That is my goal in life.  I want to be a positive impact on people.  I want to create healthy relationships with Jeremy and friends and family I care about.  I want to have healthy boundaries in life.  I want to always improve how I am communicating to the world.