That is

Satin Skies by Mars Lasar is on.

THAT is a picture of two people so excited to see each other.  That is a picture of a couple that has been on a journey.  Both rough and full of growth.  It's only a few more days before we see each other.  It's been a little over a month, now.  This time has really helped me to understand my strength and helped me to grow.  And well, grow up, in a sense.  Whether I knew it or not, I might've depended on Jeremy more than I cared to admit.  With him, in another state....it was on me. ME, Jess Kearney, was the adult.  HOW COULD THIS BE?????!!!! Sure, I still have my whimsical side.  I will always be the magical unicorn with brightness that radiates for others and I get to share it with.  But this unicorn had to do some growing up and depend on herself.  And then also be the adult for "Ethan".  He may be old enough.  But they will always be your kids.  It's just how it is.  Usually when I take a profile picture of us, we're in the same room. lol Don't get me wrong.  I miss him dearly.  But this time has also been good for us to grow stronger as a couple.  We were ready for it.  What also has helped is the amount of support I have around me.  I have good people around me.  Whether phone calls, video calls, texting, facebooking, messenger, or in person.  I have moments.  I try to be so strong, I forget it's okay to not be okay all the time.  It's okay to cry.  I have only cried about Jeremy 3 times.  In all fairness, I am watching more movies that will make me cry.  Course, somehow, I get around the whole it's about Jeremy crying.  And convince myself it's about the movie.  I love this moment, frozen in time.  Thank you for being a witness to my journey.  Whether it's bad or good...or somewhere in between.  I wanted to show my vulnerable and authentic side.  Life isn't perfect.  In fact, it's perfectly fucking messy.  But it's also so beautiful....if you let it be.  THAT is a picture of a couple that loves each other ridiculously and fierce.  Whom are huge dorks together and can be quite silly and goofy with each other, and just in general.  Honestly, we deserve each other lol
I knew I loved Jeremy....I had no idea it could expand.  Or vice versa.  But as life evolves with its different experiences for us to react to, so does our love.  Our love....evolved.

Getting closer

Tomorrow, it will be a week before I see Jeremy.  I am so excited.  I miss him so much.  But it's been a great learning experience discovering my strength being without him.  I've worked more. I went to the Neurologist yesterday to do a follow up.  Seems like it was a fluke seizure.  Something of an atypical one. In any case, I am doing much better.  I've got a better schedule.  While I did like my Tuesday, my main client needed more days.  So I do 5 days, now.  It's a great morning schedule.  This weekend is exciting.  We get Lovie 2, "Adriana".  We're going to see Infinity War.  Plus, we're hosting an extra kid.  One of "Ethan's" friends is coming down to stay.  Then, Grandma time.  I'll need some tea or coffee!!! I love staying busy, though.  It's getting closer to see Jeremy.  The Aviators by Helen Jane Long is on

Tad frazzled, now calm

Too much to go into with chaos the last week or so.  Touching Calm by Liquid Mind is on.  How fitting. lol. I had a Tuesday client but my main client needs more days with me now.  We got my schedule straightened out that I feel calm about everything.  Poor Jeremy is dealing with his own stress with work.  It seems to have calmed down a bit for him as well.  This job does have its stress from Jeremy's side and my side.  But it has shown us the strength we have as a couple.  There's one thing to say we love each other fiercely.  There's another thing to show it to each other.  That, we are doing.  It's a team effort.  And we make a great team.  I did have a panic attack, last night, though.  It was a little different.  Usually I am hyper drive squirrel on speed or something.  I was calm.  But my insides were crawling with this feeling of panic.  Luckily, I have a support system that is amazing.  Red came over and helped me calm down.  My panel is amazing.  I appreciate them so much.  So earlier, I did feel a tad frazzled but now, calm is what I feel.  This Friday I'll start figuring out my stuff to take with me. 

Finding my strength

Healing circle by Deuter is on.  That is something I am discovering this week.  I have been working a lot more.  Which means when I come home I don't want to think and right now, I don't have much to write on.  This week was interesting.  I did a 9 1/2 hour shift. (They were late 30 mins).  I did a an 8 hours shift yesterday.  And this next Tuesday, I'm dong a 10 hour shift.  I am finding the strength.  I really think it's my clients.  I can do this because of the clients I have.  I take care of myself.  I take those naps when I can.  I have my electrolyte drink stuff.  I have been eating healthier.  I've been more active.  All of it helps on me finding my strength.  It's an amazing feeling.  For a moment, it's a sense of normal that someone without a condition feels.  But I do have to remember my limits.  I do have to replenish and recharge my body.  And that's what I'm doing.

Tuesdays

Sometimes, you get a vibe about something, you go with it.  And somehow, I felt like Tuesdays, I needed to be with this fill in client.  So I am officially "Cathy's" new Tuesday caregiver.  The family was grateful because I filled in Friday and also Sunday.  I don't usually take a weekend but since Jeremy is working, I took it.  I've been trying to be more active and eating healthier.  I feel it helping with my over all health.  I don't get as tired.  And when I do, I take my naps.  Or just simply go to bed early.  Released by Ryan Stewart is on. 

What a mess

Memories by Ryan Stewart is on.  That is an apt way to describe my afternoon, yesterday.  I was still working my usual shift in the morning.  I got a call from work.  I had to wait to later to respond because I was in the middle of things with "Mary".  Work peeps were calling to ask me a huge favor.  Long story short, the current caregiver had royally screwed up.  The daughter in law was begging for a replacement, like yesterday.  Enter the call to me.  If I can't do it, I will say no.  But since Jeremy is working, and I knew I'd get home to make "Ethan" and I dinner at a reasonable time, I decide to take it.  Plus, "Ethan" would've fend for himself had he needed to.  I just don't want him to.  I'm his Mama.  I like doing it.  I came in to a client that look so confused and a little traumatized by all the commotion of things.  Things settled down but it was really a mess for about an hour.  I needed to establish trust with the client.  She responded to me right away but the last caregiver had failed her and I needed her to feel "safe" around me.  The daughter in law stayed for a bit.  She was so grateful I was there.  She even sent a commendation to my work.  I'm filling in again until they can figure out a solution.  They need a permanent assignment person or persons.  I can't give them all my days.  I can give one day.  So we'll see how that goes.  I couldn't believe what the caregiver had said.  Work peeps were so mortified and embarrassed.  You gotta represent the company well.  Ughs.  There is a certain personality or nature to this job.  I don't understand how the caregiver felt way in over her head.  Yes, there is more care to certain client for needs.  But...come on.  Whatever...What a mess!

Sorry

Apologies for not blogging nearly as much.  Just working a lot.  Keeping busy.  Keeping myself distracted.  Binged Bones. Got plenty of books and movies to get through.  Plus, it's pretty boring.  A nice boring. 

Adulting

If there was any time I really had to be the adult, it's right now.  "Ethan" is certainly grown up.  However, we take care of our kids, no matter what.  I'm the parent.  I protect.  But I also want to give him space to make decisions.  So, it's a balance.  Luckily, I have been getting help, left and right.  It feels good to have people helping us.  I don't feel alone in trying to help him.  "Ethan" is my heart.  I love that kid with all my heart.  While this adulting thing can be exhausting, at times, I wouldn't have it any other way. 

A favorite

This is one of my favorites

My friend "Olivia" took this.  This is my new favorite picture of myself.  I love my smile.  I love how happy I am in the space I'm in.  I love how I love myself.  I look beautiful...and happy

For the Love of Photography

Falling in love with photography...again

In one's life, we take paths.  They lead to different lives.  They lead to different ways we end up living our life.  Part of me likes to think of alternate paths I took, with alternate selves.  In one, I am a photo journalist.  In it, I am in love with photography.  As I am in this life.  The thing is, I don't need the career.  In this life, I am perfectly happy posting it to Instagram.  I am happy to share with fellow photographers the beauty we see in the world.  I have two such friends that bring out the photographer in me.  I feel inspired by them.  They both helped me to find that love again for it.  Only this time, as an adult, I do it purely for love of taking pictures.  For capturing a moment.  For capturing beauty.  There is such darkness in the world, these days.  I like to take pictures more now, to evoke that light.  To bring beauty into such ugly in the world.  Because I have found, sometimes, that beauty finds itself, even in the most heartbreaking, horrendous, and ugly places.  Perhaps, even more so because the origin of its beauty was not born of pure or goodness.  I love pictures.  I love black and white pictures.  I love seeing contrast.  I love seeing shadows that overlap and contrast on pictures that are in color.  I am just fascinated with it.  I went to a festival.  It was a Polish festival.  My friend "Olivia" wanted to go.  But as we were on our way to the festival we passed the Missions.  We ended up going there, as well.  At least, two of them.  It was a beautiful experience just being in the space.  I felt so alive, if that makes sense.  I felt amazing, just taking these pictures.  For myself.  For inspiration.  For beauty in the world.  For beauty to find itself in this world.  I hope you like them

More active

With Jeremy gone, I have decided to get more active.  It gives me a great distraction.  I get to listen to my music.  I work out with Just dance working out where I dance to 4 usually intense songs.  And /or I walk 60 minutes.  And/or I do 7500 steps.  I've also been trying to eat healthier.  I am video chatting with one of my oldest friends, Platinum.  It's awesome.  We were in military, together.  Yeah..would you believe me...moi..was in the military, once upon a time?! I have lived a few different lives.  lol
Btw, that's the name she said to give her on blog. Too funny.  I just wanted to write a few lines.  Back to my regularly scheduled life.

Resilient

Sign of Affection by Paul Cardall is on.  As it turns out, I'm more resilient than I thought.  Sometimes, I think part of me thought I was co dependent on Jeremy.  This new normal..this new job...this new life, is showing me that I do just fine.  I miss him.  I miss holding him.  I miss kissing him.  I miss all the physical part of our relationship.  But it's not everything with us.  We text and Facebook throughout the day.  We video chat.  We are living separate lives, together.  This is temporary.  It's raining hard right now.  Rain is a beautiful sound.  I worked two shifts today.  Yesterday, I worked 6 hours.  Work has been wonderful with distraction.   My shows keep me busy.  I also am reading The Lost Order, still.  I spent Easter with family which was nice.  Family is important.  It's a different vibe with my family.  I am happy that I am older.  The hurt isn't necessarily gone.  But I can easily spend time and forge bonds because there is evolving on both sides.  I have evolved.  That is an important part of my life.