It's ok to not be ok

Important words for me to remember right now.  Since last week, that's been my mood.  I'm not my usual perky self.  My usual shield is not up.  I feel more emotionally weak.  I am not equipped emotionally for a day like this.  It's the death anniversary of a friend that took their life.  It's been a few years now.  Yet, this year kind of hit me.  My guess with Jeremy gone, I leaned on him for days that I didn't feel okay.  And with my grandma's death anniversary last week....I haven't felt as strong as I had been.  I miss the hell out of him.  I miss him being here. I miss being able to hug into his chest and breathe in.  Something so small.  And yet, so big.  What happened? My guess is other variables of stress.  I have my health as a factor, now Some news that gave me a wake up call.  Nothing fatal or that catastrophic.  But enough to say... "Oh, shit".  In talking with a friend, I realized I had been internalizing my stress for about 2 years now.  I have only recently started dealing with my trauma on a more healthy basis.  My guess is...it caught up with me.  I don't feel strong right now.  I can acknowledge that into the void.  That's a start