Nightmare

I had a nightmare of Javier raping me on Tuesday.  It came out of nowhere.  There isn't any significant date.  I haven't had negative thoughts.  Just poof.  And it wasn't the actual scene, the way it happened.  But his face.  His face was the same.  The I don't love for myself and I see this strength from you.  I want to acquire it. But along the way he figured just because you acquire something, doesn't mean you get it.  He didn't seem to ever find that self love.  So he destroyed mine face.  That's the one.    Well...almost.  I'd been on the fringe for 20 years.  I held on, though.  I'm stubborn like that
Therapy, learning to love myself, and support is why I am here today.  I recognize that somewhere along the way, the #Metoo movement will have skewed moments.  But it has helped me find a voice.  The kind of culture we live in normalizes how sometimes a female is treated.  I didn't realize it until I looked around and realized that I'm supposed to be seen, not heard.  I'm an anomaly.  I tend to say things that point out fallacies in someone's argument for treating someone else badly.  I've lost friendships because of it.  Nowadays, I find a way to convey my discomfort if I see something.  It depends on how close I am to you.  It's not because I don't care.  It's because I reserve my energy.  I only have so much.  I'm like a phone with a draining battery.  I get charged back up but use of me does mean drain.  Even for the little things.  Granted, I am feeling healthier.  But I have to balance it all.  It's a process to balance.  It's not something I can expect anyone to understand unless they have a condition that gives them fatigue.  Every day has its new opportunities and challenges.  Every day I work with those opportunities and challenges.  It's all I can do.