Wednesday, June 27, 2018

It's been a while

I'm almost working full time, now.  Schedule change with my client.  I also told someone from my first agency that I was working a second agency.  That felt good to get off my chest.  A friend is leaving a very toxic situation today.  Also, I faced Javier last week, today, like a bad ass.  It's been quite a week for me.  I miss Jeremy terribly.  But I think I needed to find myself and figure some things out.  We're stronger.  No relationship is easy.  If they say it is, they're not being true to themselves, let alone you.  But Jeremy and I realized some time back that we were worth it to each other and needed to find our way back to each other.  At the end of the day, it's each other we want.  It's the partnership and friendship we have to make this relationship work.  Work doesn't mean it's so trying.  It means we choose each other every day.  It means we choose this life we have built together, every day.  That's not easy feat.  People evolve.  People drift.  People change.  So, as a couple, we evolve together.  We figure out how to keep the bond.  We acknowledge the change and keep our relationship going strong.  We figure it out, together.  This time has helped me see so much strength I didn't know I had.  It's been a while since I wrote.  So much going on.  But I at least wanted to check in.  Hope you are well.  Adagio for Sleep by Liquid Mind is on. 

Monday, June 18, 2018

Authenticity is the new black

You know that old saying the new black.  I thought about Authenticity is the new cool.  But by speaking of the trend, it sort of loses the cool factor, so to speak.  People constantly are talking about "being real".  It's a topic that's been around for awhile.  But does it really mean? For me, it means living by the truth that I see and perceive in this world.  My palette is compassion.  I am an artist through kindness.  It doesn't mean that I preach to anyone to follow my path.  In fact, the very reason for my blog is not to preach.  Even to teach, though, I hope I do.  No.  It's to live my truth.  Words have always beguiled me.  Words can also be cruel.  I am a logophile.  I will still believe in the beauty of words over its cruelty.  For me, it means that I live as forthcoming as I can.  I want to be transparent.  Still, only a few select (my panel) know me by the things that I share.  That's not uncommon.  Touched by Love is on by Bernward Koch is on.  Actually some of the melody reminds of Toppens from Mary Poppins and Anastacia Once Upon a December.  But I digress.  Welcome to my brain.  I hope you are able to live your authentic life.  Jeremy is still in Tucson.  It hasn't been easy.  But it's also been a beautiful and personal journey finding myself during this time
In Reverence by David Tolk is on.  Thank you, Universe.  For that is the most authentic song that is me.  And no words are ever spoken.  Thank you for your timing.  Authenticity.  It isn't easy to come by.  Everyone has a story to tell you on that journey they are having to achieve that.  Don't compare or judge their story of authenticity.  More times than not, it's because we don't understand it.  Back to authenticity.  You be you. 

Friday, May 25, 2018

It's ok to not be ok

Important words for me to remember right now.  Since last week, that's been my mood.  I'm not my usual perky self.  My usual shield is not up.  I feel more emotionally weak.  I am not equipped emotionally for a day like this.  It's the death anniversary of a friend that took their life.  It's been a few years now.  Yet, this year kind of hit me.  My guess with Jeremy gone, I leaned on him for days that I didn't feel okay.  And with my grandma's death anniversary last week....I haven't felt as strong as I had been.  I miss the hell out of him.  I miss him being here. I miss being able to hug into his chest and breathe in.  Something so small.  And yet, so big.  What happened? My guess is other variables of stress.  I have my health as a factor, now Some news that gave me a wake up call.  Nothing fatal or that catastrophic.  But enough to say... "Oh, shit".  In talking with a friend, I realized I had been internalizing my stress for about 2 years now.  I have only recently started dealing with my trauma on a more healthy basis.  My guess caught up with me.  I don't feel strong right now.  I can acknowledge that into the void.  That's a start

Wednesday, May 16, 2018


I miss him.  I understand this needs to be our reality.  It doesn't stop me from missing him still.

Tuesday, May 15, 2018

Thoughts that wander

An image onscreen triggers a thought.  Something I see, reminds me of a visual.  That thought takes form.  It suddenly wanders.  The thought was what makes a person successful?
Is it the job? A relationship? Money? Is it the status? By all traditional sense, that answer is yes.  I reject traditional sense.  After all, I think in Unicorn.  I am not a success.  I don't care to be.  It means I am constrained to certain rules of society.  It means that I have to conform to a person I'd rather not be.  And for what? To seek approval from a faceless ideal of acceptance? I am no more a success than I am a failure.  I am present.  I am enlightened.  I am self aware.  I am here writing this because I want someone else to read this somewhere and remember that spark that resides within them.  Before society, or someone specific told them they weren't enough.  It almost seems like some sense of psycho babble.  But that's the beauty in its simplicity.  I write this for you, to remind you, that YOU are enough.  Remember that when you have a bad day.  Remember that when you feel like you failed or your feel like a failure.  I am exactly where I need to be.  My education has been important in my life.  But I have also learned from life itself.  I learned to rise up.  I learned to find my spark.  I learned that I can reduce a monster that has kept me trapped inside my thoughts and see him for the loser shit head he really is.  He can't love himself.  How was he supposed to love me?
I learned how strong I really am.  I learned that my spark helps people.  I learned I make a difference.  These are the thoughts that wander.  All because I watched Accepted.  I've seen it before.  I saw it with new eyes today.

Saturday, May 12, 2018

Interesting pieces

Joan Mitchell

I stared at it for a while.  My favorite art piece

Joan Mitchell

Not actually the weirdest art I came across.  It was called interactive art.  Its intent is to have art be on a more warming and welcoming sense rather than the sense of detached and unapproachable art

Yes.  That is Cheese Puffs.  That is too weird for words.  Apparently, there was a whole room once in the exhibit

This piece spoke to me.  I felt the push pull of pain and happiness.  Light and dark

Digital Video.  The loop is 2 hours worth.  It's ...different.  But I love the use of the colors.  It made it easier to adapt to this new concept.  The still life art one was not

Something about it caught my eye

Interactive art

The colors over colors really stood out

More interactive art

self care kind of day

It was a museum and massage kind of day.  I felt the need for some self-care.  Museums always give me a sense of happiness.  Nocturne in a minro by Chad Lawson is on.  I video chatted with Jeremy earlier.  I miss him.  He misses me.  But we have this reality.  And we're making the best of it.  He went and played pool and drank a beer at a bar with his roommate.  I went to the museum and got a massage.  Some days it's about hanging out with people.  Sometimes, it's recharging yourself with some self care.  I had injured my back recently at work.  I felt a pinched nerve or pulled muscle.  My massage therapist was a miracle worker.  I got to see my favorite art piece.  I stared and gazed at it for a while.  I interacted with some art.  I also learned of digital video art.  Its concept is still a little foreign for me to wrap around but there was a particular piece that helped me to slowly adapt to this new idea.  Joan Mitchell was an artist that stood out for me today.  Her pieces spoke to me.  They evoked a certain light from darkness depiction in her pieces.  At least that was my interpretation.  I'll share some of the interesting pieces I saw today.  Some of them are downright...weird.  You'll figure out which one I feel is well...weird.