Friday, March 24, 2017
This life I live...lol
Caregiving life can be quiet sometimes. And then, not. I was a fill in yesterday. And while not as medical as my regular, there was still some "excitement". But there's also something about this job that I hadn't really given much thought at the time. Besides connecting with the clients, it's also connecting with the family members. I build relationships with the family members. I am their support system too. While I am not therapist, per se I have extended my "friend therapist" position to my professional life. Yesterday was a great example of feeling my full life. I worked. Then, since I am hardly on the side of town I was in I saw a half price bookstore I had gone to with a friend. I was actually looking for lego dimensions figurines. However, I figured, since I was there to check out the movies. Side note. I am listening to the first audiobook I like. Mark Bramhall is the narrator. I am listening to The Magicians. I saw the first season and just waiting for the second season to be on Netflix. I digress. I was in the mood for BBQ of some sort. I had made potato salad the other day for loved one's birthday. Dickey's is a great BBQ place! I found Enchanted for $4.00! I also finished out my collection of Tom Clany's series of movies. I also went grocery shopping, and finally housework. By 4:30, I was pooped. But I smiled. I smiled because this life I live feels good. The professional. The personal. My friends. We even had a last minute invite to hang out. Look at us...hanging out...on a weeknight. Since our whole schedule has adjusted this week, why not just make it an adjust week. *wink *wink* I'm heading out in a bit to go to work. Every day is a gift. So I embrace that gift and try to give as much back. This is my gift back. Not everyone believes in God. Honestly, depending on my mood..God is God one day and he's well...God. And then, the Universe is God, and well she's God..or would that be Goddess? But somewhere, I feel compelled to give back. And this is my way to do that. Gestures and words of affirmation. It's my thing.
Thursday, March 23, 2017
Now, you would think I might have taken a picture of me with my Hufflepuff on Monday. But if you think about it...you know I go to work in Hufflepuff or some kind of Harry Potter when I work. My lanyard is Harry Potter and so is my bow. And usually my socks. And a necklace. So...for what's worth..I can get a picture anytime with Hufflepuff. Blue for Ravenclaw day. That's another story. I do actually have a Ravenclaw blue but it's in the laundry. So I went for blue, in general. Along with my what I like to call "Queen Sparkles, Queen of her own castle..finally" necklace. It used to have what I call not so great karma and I threw out the original. Then, the other day, I found it at Hot Topic again. I'm in a different mindset with it. So I bought it. Jeremy also went in blue, for the occasion. After all, he's Ravenclaw! I picked up a shift so I am on my way out. Then, it's a day of housewife mode after that. Happy Ravenclaw Day!!
In case you wanted to know about the other two, Slytherin was Tuesday. And Gryffindor was yesterday. I have two Slytherin friends. And plenty of Gryffindor friends. I also have a handful of Hufflepuff friends too. Okay. Enjoy your day, wonderful world of blog. I'm sorry you had to deal with a couple of days of grr with me. The Unicorn is back and raising hell and sunshine, like she always does as a badass. Toodles! Me in blue umm...blue necklace, blue socks and blue scrubs. (Doctor Who socks). Let's go rock this day like the badasses we are....shall we?
Wednesday, March 22, 2017
The good thing about getting mad is that I have people that help ground me. Dinner for loved one was a success. I did find out I go to work today. I also called about trying to amend the incident report. I left a message with investigations office. I'm just waiting for them to return my call. I wrestled with the idea of putting it on Instagram. The narrative, I mean. I finally did. I am not ready to post it on Facebook. However, I felt the narrative needed to be read. Especially from finding out he is calling me...and CC, liars. It was good motivation for getting the report and my therapy records. Also, CC made me an arrangement for that night. I love it. Since I am not putting it on Facebook, I will type what it says.
Office Noble Badge #4056 wrote as follows:
I was dispatched to the home of (not inserting the address of where I reported) to take an information report. I made contact with C. (C is complainant). She stated that back in 1996, C was dating SP (Suspect). They had a falling out and she had gotten close to another male. When SP found out about that he stated he had a right to have sex with C. C refused but SP forced himself on her. She turned her head and began crying during the act but has blocked out the incident from her mind at the time. C was 19 years old at the time. I gave C the case number.
There you have it. I reported 12-16-16
And I am doing one more thing I haven't done before. Here is my rapist's face. You want to say I'm a liar, fucker? Watch what happens....Xavier Gonzales by birthday. He used Javier Gonzales when he was with me. I didn't spend the last 20 years fighting inside. I don't run the 5K for shits and giggles. I haven't had to struggle in therapy and find my healing...for a lie. There isn't a tattoo on my back because of something I made up. YOU ARE A RAPIST. THAT IS NOT SLANDER. YOU WANT TO PUT OUT THERE THAT THERE IS NO REPORT? BECAUSE I WAS AFRAID!!! I'LL SAY IT AGAIN. YOU ARE A RAPIST.
Tuesday, March 21, 2017
I'm trying to find humor in how I feel right now. Someone dared to stir the dragon bitch in me. And why, you may ask? It first started with reading something I wasn't supposed to see. But damn if the Universe didn't have it that someone, somewhere was calling me a liar. In the worst way ever. My rapist...was calling me a liar. Of course, he was. He's not going to admit something like this. My logic knows that.But still....my emotions couldn't wrap myself around this information. He's covering his butt. Could you imagine if it got out what he did to me? Is there a possibility that he could go to jail? At least in his mind, that's why the panic is there. It happened in 1996. I have no physical evidence to give. There is no DNA sample to give. It's why I didn't press charges. I just wanted documentation. So....my version of Voldermort was saying it didn't happen. So I went and got the incident report. Only...I had to verify I was really the victim. I mean...could you imagine? It was like some fucked up violation all over again. I have to prove to someone that this really happened...and I'm really me...because someone put the wrong birthday. Think Unikitty. I went fucking nuts. I was a bitch in my eyes. But I didn't care. I was leaving with an incident report. I did, thank goodness. I verified Javier's information, along with mine...and the right birthday. I also requested my therapy sessions at the Rape Crisis Center. They have a new location! I decided to make an appointment while I was there so maybe I'll be able to pick them up on my next appointment. But if not, closure is needed. I am in a good spot. Before, I think I would have just cried from the incident. Instead....I just became mad. I don't like the idea of being that mad and becoming a raging bitch. But usually when I feel the need to lie or become negative in some way, there is a method to my madness with it. Like not telling a client about my condition. This time around I haven't told my client. They have enough to worry about. I see it as lying by omission. Luckily, I wasn't alone with this. I had support. And what support. It's funny what you will do for others. I don't know if I would have pushed for any of my information to come out. But he forced my hand, in a way. You were hoping I never had the guts to report you, asshole. You deny your neglect and child abuse. Of course, you're going to deny the rape. Watch me, mother fucker. Watch me show documentation. Lie...my ass. I guess I go nuts when someone directly or indirectly questions whether I tell the truth or not. I mean...if you are going to accuse me...it better be for something I did. lol I'm calming down. Writing out into the void about this crazy day is helping. Inside my head I wish I could punch this dickwad out. He's scum. He's shit. But there are ways to handle this. And the adult way I will. Just don't force my hand. Because then, I won't be the raging bitch in front (like the poor person who was denying my incident report but didn't approach it right when they said the information doesn't match up. ) The birthday didn't . After I verified my real birthday. His birthday. Where it happened. His address. When it happened. When I reported it. What officer I reported it to. Where I reported...You get the idea. No...I will be quiet bitch. And just give the evidence needed to have you cut your own throat, buddy. And in case this is some sick story I am making up...why don't you talk to the people who know about the rape? My husband. My ex boyfriends. My ex husband. My ex friends. My parents. My therapists. I have PTSD. I don't advertise it. I have enough to say about my Eplisepy and PCOS. But it's there. I've had to make sure I didn't have Dissociative Identity Disorder because I separated aspects of me for years in order to cope and survive. Nowadays, I am Jess. Whole Jess. But that has taken years to really believe I could be whole. These things are not made up. These things are real. My blog....My blog is real. Ughs. Sighs. Thank you, blog universe. Thank you for letting me vent and yell into the void. Because today, today was a day of Jess, the raging bitch. Wow...Universe... I love you. Unchained Melody is on. The guitar version. Esteban's version. The redo one. The what timing Unchained Melody.
I did such a girly thing yesterday. I bought a purse. A Vera Bradley, at that. Now, that may seem like a trivial thing but I have been on the fence with the brand because 1) bad feeling with it regarding a former friend and 2) Not a big fan of the patterns and prints. However, they finally made one that fits my phone and in a solid black. While I wasn't entirely happy about the price tag, I looked at it as an investment. I can see myself wearing this a lot. It's the perfect size. I was emotionally exhausted and still am from work. Work is going to be a little different right now, location wise. But I am glad to be there for my client. And her family member. Coffee with CC in a bit. And making a birthday dinner for a loved one, tonight. It's also the 2nd wedding anniversary of dear one. It's also Slytherin Day. Tomorrow is Gryffindor Day. And Thursday is Ravenclaw day. I picked up a shift on Thursday so I might not even remember about it. And of course I got something Harry Potter on Hufflepuff day. It seemed...fitting.