Monday, May 22, 2017

Edgar Magnin


Funny enough, this quote jumps my mind into another quote of sorts.  Basically, I have the power to write my narrative.  Only for a long time, I didn't realize this.  Amazing conversations yesterday with friends.  I love being able to share ideas and perspectives with friends.  We are different ages.  Most times, Jeremy and I are older than our friends.  It's not intentional.  Just tends to happen.  Back to the thought at hand.  I have the power to write my narrative.  The biggest part of my narrative that I wanted to convey was contribution.  My constant question was whether I contributed good idea.  Do my thoughts and values count for something was always a question that was never far from my mind.  I second guess my thoughts.  I dismissed that my idea or take on something was silly.  And nowadays, maybe it is silly.  And maybe for that moment, silly is exactly what is needed. Who knows? The point is, my thoughts mattered.  It mattered that I shared my thoughts and values to people that cared to know.  It mattered that I shared my thoughts and values to people who supported what I believed in.  So, today...think about writing your narrative and what that means to you? What is the biggest message you want to convey?

Thursday, May 18, 2017

I miss you so much


I miss you so much.  You were always a fixture of my life.  Of happiness that I had in my life.  Spending those last moments with you, holding your hand, as you slipped away from this world, was probably one of the hardest moments to endure.  But I didn't want to leave your sight.  Thank you for waiting for me.  Thank you for holding on just enough for me to get to you.  I got the first flight out.  It's been 15 years.  It doesn't make it any easier.  It was hard to endure again when I was holding Jeremy's Grandpa the same way.  But I knew it was something I had to do.  Jeremy had just gone back to work that Monday.  I miss you so much.  Tomorrow is your death anniversary.  But somehow, today, it kinda of hit me as I was writing my blog.  So I wanted to write into the void.  My quiet spaces have lost loved ones.  They understand missing someone so much.  So...that's why I am writing to you and telling you I miss you so much.  I wished you could have met Jeremy.  You would have loved him.  He's a pain in the ass but he is crazy about your granddaughter.  Hope you're having fun in heaven or wherever you are.  I hope you got to meet Aaron.  I don't know what really happens to people who commit suicide.  But I'd like to think they get a chance at heaven if they help out people on Earth.  I love when you send me dimes.  I loved how you told me every time I saw a dime you would be saying hello.  I don't care that no one really believes that.  I do.  I love you and miss you. This was taken in 2001.  I was graduating from college.

Annie Dillard

How we spend our days, is of course, how we spend our lives.  She made a sentence so simple.  And yet, so profound.  It actually reminds me of something I inherited when my Grandma passed away.  Tomorrow is her death anniversary.  I miss her.
The quote was" Life is God's gift to us.
 What we do with is our gift to God." (A.R. Bernard)
My spirituality has definitely evolved.  Jeremy calls me a deist.  I was comfortable with that label.  Especially since I didn't want a label on my spirituality.  Some days, God is God.  And other days, God is Universe, a Goddess of sorts. Back to today's quote.    It does encompass what we decide to put on our energy into.  Negative? Anger? Instead, we can spend our day in joy and in happiness.  And in the positive.  It was a conversation I had some time ago that reminded me to stay the course of positive even with a negative lining.  Today, on my time line, I posted this odd quote of sorts.  There is so much awful in the world.  But if you look for it, there is much beauty and wonderful in the world.  Glass half empty or half full? Just making room for more vodka! Inspiration can come anywhere, everywhere.  Just gotta look for it.  Now, where's that cinnamon vodka again? You know me and comic relief.  The inspiration today came in the form of one of my former classmates and friends fighting in stage 3 cancer.  She had posted a picture of herself bald. What a ballsy and wonderful move.  I even used the f word without bleeping it.  But the inspiration also  came the other day with a former classmate of mine revealing the two year anniversary of her rape in a post.  It was set as a poem.  We can stay in the negative.  We can stay in the angry.  It's much harder to stay in the positive.  But we're strong.  We embrace our colorful lives and its many ebbs and flows of life.  The Aviators by Helen Jane Long is on.  We accept certain realities in our lives.  We figure out what we can live with.  What we can live without.  Sometimes that also means whom.  We find out deal breakers for ourselves and for others towards us.  We find out about ourselves.  We discover just how resilient we are.  Or aren't.  There is another story of not being resilient.  And what that means for those around them.  But that's another story.  It's important how we spend our days.  I hope we spend it well.

Tuesday, May 16, 2017

Letters to my Future Self

It's beautiful and interesting that of the many gifts I got from a loved one, one was a grumpy cat book and also a guided journal.  But also a little booklet called, "Letters to my Future Self".  Each year on August 1st I find something courageous to do or at least something out of my comfort zone.  However, I might change it up a bit and include adventures with writing of sorts.  I think I will start the book on August 1st of this year and open it up next year.  A year of where I directly can say I started healing.  This past August I became whole in the most unexpected way.  By facing Javier.  This next year can be about being whole, just by learning each day the power of healing.  Next year, I can reflect upon it.  Just last night, I had a conversation online with another survivor( a friend from high school.)  It was the first time I had openly commented and identified Javier in any way.  That was a step.  I don't need to plaster his name.  Just my quiet way of educating the public, advocating for survivors, and sharing my courage is enough.  Sometimes, even just providing inspirational quotes and funny stuff is a way to be courageous.  I show the world that this one thing did not define me.  It's a big step for a survivor.  It was helpful to learn my friend's story too so that I could relate or connect with it.  It's not easy to choose to rise above the pain.  And some days I find my inner demons winning a little more than I want.  But between Jeremy, my support system, work, blogging, and other outlets, I find peace.

Monday, May 15, 2017

A peek

The struggle is real.  Still obsessed with light fixtures

I got these from my cousin, BLD

So Monday

The insanity that was Mother's Day


Don't be afraid to be amazing

That is the first quote that I got to see.  It' from Andy Offut Irwin.   It seems so simple...and yet so profound.  It was one of the Mother's Day gifts I got yesterday.  What a day.  It was so personal.  And sentimental.  It kind of overwhelmed me, honestly.  This weekend, in general was needed.  I was exhausted from working so much last week.  But it was all worth it to see the smiles on Mother's Day.  Eventide by Michael Hoppe is on.  Back to the quote.  It seems so simple.  But it struck a chord in me.  Maybe because I'm partial to the word Amazing.  Encouraging words are so vital.  But it's important to start seeing the words for ourselves before wanting to see or hear them from other people.  I learned that the hard way.  These days, I look for the words myself that reaffirm this amazing person I am.  It's not conceitedness.  It's many years of not being able to believe those words.  Don't be afraid to be Amazing.  You are truly a gift to this world.  If only you get to see the special qualities you bring to this world.  If there is only one time you get to see those words, then here they are....DON'T BE AFRAID TO BE AMAZING.  Go be the hero I know and the world knows you can be.  Go be the kind of person this world needs right now.  We all have something to contribute to the world.  We just need to find it within ourselves.  And maybe, just maybe it comes with a nudge.

Thursday, May 11, 2017

To me, from me

You little badass.  When did you grow balls? Sometimes you (me?) surprise me with how well you handle possible stressful situations.  I mean...after used to be little Mrs. anxiety ball.  You don't feel the anxiety like you used to.  There are days that it likes to pop up.  There are days that certain things, memories, or people can run rampant on possible triggers.  Especially in the way of having to stand up for yourself.  You go with your bad self.  I'm proud of you.  You amaze me.  And instead of having to praise or blame an's all you.  Or me.... lol

Yes.  I do talk to myself.  I even answer myself.  Am I crazy? Of course, I am.  I'm just the good kind of crazy.  The kind that you love having around lol