Tuesday, April 25, 2017

It's been a while

It's been  a while since I wrote a poem.  I felt inspired last night.   I hope you like it.

It seemed impossible to find
common lines to form, space,s previously torn
a peace which that was born
A brief exchange
enough for heal
of broken dreams
shattered souls-let thy sword fall down
Perhaps, the mend, is just a mend
After all, mends still carry scars
But as scars tell a story, from which we let unfold
So will this mended tear
So will this tired space
a space where a common line formed
a peace which that was born

Monday, April 24, 2017

What injury?!

How in the world does one get injured from walking? This wonderful and adorkable woman did.  Jeremy made awesome chili.  But we had forgotten about frito chips.  So "L" and I decided to walk to the corner store.  More like Jeremy said..."It's a nice day and you can get your steps in like you always like to do!".  I mean..he wasn't wrong lol.  On our way back, though, I must have stepped into a divot or something, because suddenly I went down...and hard.  It was an excruciating pain.  I sprained my ankle.  I couldn't walk without limping all night.  So I asked Jeremy to get me a bandage because one way or another I was going to have to deal with this ankle while I was working.  I kept it overnight until it woke me up because it was too tight.  At that point, I took off the bandage.  I waited morning and it was mostly good.  During the day, I felt a little sore but otherwise, my ankle is a lot better.  My clients depend on me.  I'm who they balance on.  I can't have a sprained ankle!!! I started my new permanent assignment schedule today.  I love it.  "Clare" is amazing.  We have a system.  She's direct about how to tell me where she needs me to be or how to help her.  Or even when.  I try to give me clients as much independence as they can have but also balance that with the help they need from me.  It's definitely a fine tuned dance!!! One of our friends made me a DIY holster for my blaster I had borrow from "L" for the Alamo Comic Con cosplay we're doing.  Thanks "T!".   Jeremy is going as the 11th Doctor and I'm going as River Song.  He got the last of his cosplay gear.  He needed to get the fez and bowtie and got that this weekend.    .  But I realized I needed a belt so off to a thrift store I went.  "Clare" had some clothes she wanted to donate so I took those to the thrift store too.  Sound of Invisible Waters by Deuter is on.  I bumped into "MM", whom I have not seen for ages.  We had such a nice visit.  The bad thing about me working sometimes is that I often miss time with "MM" .  We're neighbors and friends. We caught up.  And left with tea.  lol My friends are always gifting me with tea.  I'm not complaining.  I did some housework before I had some time to sit down and blog.  It's a boring blog.  But it's a beautiful boring life I've carved and it makes me so happy.  I picked up a shift tomorrow and then, I go see my friend.  So...hey what injury???!
On a side note, I found out a family member of one of my oldest friends , JMB, passed away.  I was heartbroken for my friend.  Especially since he was having to rush from out of state from his work to get a ticket home.  I met the family member once or twice. It still kind of  blows my mind that we've been friends for 24 years. We had a fallout for some years.  He calls it a pause. lol.  We're not best friends anymore.  And we both are okay with that. But really good friends, nonetheless.    I like having one best guy friend.  And that would be Jeremy.  Sometimes I think I took the long way around to learn things but it is what it is.  So...that's Monday.  I hope you had a sparkling one.  

Sunday, April 23, 2017

a giggle or two

Happiness!!! MST 3000 with Jeremy!!!

OMG.  I love it!!!

Love it!!! I'm either finding this or people or putting it on my timeline.  It's awesome!!!

Look at that smile.  This was me, after work.  Beyond happy.  

Bonus blog

Yesterday I worked a shift.  It was amazing.  It was a new client for me.  I get nervous, naturally because I don't know how we will interact.  But "Ben" was awesome.  He ran out of milk and we found this out when I was making cream of wheat or "Malt o Meal", actually.  So, off to the store we went.  I knew the area well so that always helps.  After our little adventure to the store, which I drove his Lexus...we came back to watch a movie, which I picked.  Remind me to actually watch Hitman.  The home health aide in me was wanting to do stuff so I saw the movie but still was doing other stuff.  He had Chicago on and I would have been happy with that but he said he had already seen it 15 times.  He was Chicago'ed out.  lol
I came home and had put together a lunch for Jeremy and I.  He was getting ready to make the Chili we are having today.  And since I had Mulan on the brain, there we were, watching it.  Then, IP man.  And then, the craziest thing happened.  I had no idea watching Mystery Science Theater with Jeremy was on my bucket list.  I am beyond happy.  I am bursting with happy.  I just thought I would share.

Friday, April 21, 2017

Other plans

I had hoped to finish up this book by March 3rd or 4th when I started writing what I called Love Letters to myself last year.  But life has other plans and I didn't need to write in it as often.  I'm still writing my adventure book but I only write when I get inspiration on it.  If I never finish writing it, I'll be okay with that too.  This was today's entry:

Wow. Look how long it 's taken you to come back to this book. I'm so proud of you.  I had hoped this book was finished
 by March 3rd or 4th but life has different plans. I'm okay with that.  Shine brightly.  You have a gift.  Share it with the world.

An Open Letter to myself

Geez, Jess.

Just when I think I have life figured it out, life gives me wrenches and loops.  More often than not, it leans more negative than positive for those wrenches and loops.  However, once in a while, there is a day, or a moment , even where that wrench or loop changes you.  That positive loop reminds you of the beauty and hope in a sometimes dismal world.  The scene is not important.  Well...it's important to me but there are still moments in my life I like to keep to myself.  But the emotional change felt in me is important.  It stirred such a peaceful energy that I was beside myself.  Waves of Light by Deuter is on.  Wave.  That's a good description to call this.  A wave of peace.  Jess, you are an interesting person.  Your child does hold some drama and trauma.  I'll give you that.  Examples: your cousin pointing a gun at your head while he was high.  A freak accident with falling out of a truck.  A guy trying to impress you, and knifing you.  And numerous times you injured yourself in sports.  Oh, and the Epilepsy and struggle with your learning disability.  Still, you remain strong.  You had a fighting spirit.  You stopped having it at 19.  You became broken.  Something inside died.  And you had no idea how to get it back.  or how to heal.  Or how to explain this pain inside that didn't leave visible scars but just the same, affected exactly how you functioned.  It would take you 20 years of learning lessons, pain, joy, and most of all, steps, towards that healing journey to become a whole person.  A dream you never thought was possible.  You learned not only to survive but thrive and become the beautiful person people already saw.  But that you saw.  And I don't mean physical.  I never doubted my physical beauty.  I doubted my value.  I doubted my worthiness to take space in the world.  I doubted my intellect.  I doubted I mattered to anyone.  Or that my thoughts and opinions meant anything.  I craved to be substantial.  All I ever Wanted by Jim Brickman is on.  The Universe smiles.  What a perfect song.  All I ever wanted was this whole.  And here you are.  You get to tell yourself you are whole.  Are there cracks still here and there? Yes.  In fact, those imperfections are something you chose to leave there because it makes your story and you, more beautiful.  More substantial.  My ex husband, Woody's birthday is today.  I remember dates.  August 1.  March 16.  April 8.  December 1.  Those are just dates in my story that play a big role in my life.  I did find out something rather odd and wonderful about him, though.  Through grapevine of sorts, I found out the name of his second son.  Xavier.  That's right.  The name of my rapist.  Now, on first look, someone might think this is a negative.  No no.  Woody knows my story.  Every man that got to love me learned that story so I could help them understand  why I am the way I am.  I imagine his wife picked the name.  But hey okayed it.  Knowing its backstory.  I cried tears of joy.  Because there is a beautiful baby boy that the Universe is putting into the world.  It's hard to explain.  Just know...I found this as a positive.  And appreciated my ex husband in a new way.  We were not meant for each other.  We could not appreciate each other like our current spouses do.  No one can appreciate and love me like Jeremy does.  He may be clumsy at times.  But that man loves me with all of his being.  And values me as this amazing woman.  And I got to see it in writing!!! lol So, Jess...
as you get ready for work....take a minute to remember how far you've come.  To appreciate the beautiful people in your life.  Even the beautiful people who are no longer in your life.  And smile.  You are amazing.  A silly Unicorn, Queen Sparkles.  Never let anyone dim that sparkle and shine.  Because it shines brightly.  Do you understand me?

Thursday, April 20, 2017

Is it weird?

I haven't tuned into one of my favorite guilty pleasures.  Especially when one of my favorite individuals is on there.  I love and loathe watching Dancing with the Stars.  It's hard to explain.  But I love the dancing.  It's an art that brings my heart to its knees.  I've imagined dancing like that myself.  I even imagined dancing the rumba with Jeremy.  That is monumental since he would tell you he is no dancer.  He's better than he thinks he is.  Anyway, I am watching it because of Normani.  I have watched her and the girl group, Fifth Harmony since they were put together on a little show called the X factor.  Is it weird, that even then, I saw one member not fit in into this beautiful fluid group, that no matter what success or failure they had, they had each other.  It shows on their faces.  Except for one.  And fast forward, that one is gone.  Their sound is different.  Different roles have been shifted.  Ally who is actually from here, has flourished and allowed to spread her wings more since the departure of odd girl out.  Shows like that do have to bring showmantic presentation.  But there is a sense of truth of how a year can change someone's life.  I watched a couple of dances of hers right now.  I watched her rumba and smiled because it was song they did the first time as a group.  And the song was "Impossible".  These girls and I are worlds apart.  Yet, through music and through dance, there is a mutual appreciation of the love we have in our life in order for us to make our dreams come true.  Perhaps, if I had done life differently, I'd be blogging as a choreographer.  But somehow, I am exactly where I need to be.  For others.  And it feels good.  And I dance...Just in a kitchen or living room now. It's like own private club lol