Friday, October 20, 2017

Being up for challenges


That's what I feel like with this blog.  Tomorrow, I will take on a challenge.  I am pulling an 8 hour shift.  I don't usually work weekends.  However, with next being the wedding and Friday, the dress rehearsal, I took off work.  So I needed to make the hours.  The good part is it's a fill in.  I've had these clients plenty of time.  It's a challenge.  But I feel ready for it.  We'll see how it goes.  I also made a new recipe last night.  The recipe actually came from one of my clients.  My Thursday client's daughter gave me the recipe on my last shift.  I made chicken enchilada casserole with refried beans and potatoes.  It was delicious.  There is something for me being up to a challenge.  I know my limits on certain things and don't even dare try.  Not for wanting to, sometimes.  But limitations that I already are in place.  Like a haunted house.  Right now, I'm listening to a new radio station.  My current client's husband introduced me to a new artist, Pete Fountain.  So to Pandora, I went.  It's a nice station.  I gotta get ready for work.  Have a most excellent day!

Tuesday, October 17, 2017

Me too


Who knew two words like that would send a profound message.  And the first time I felt safe to really put out there I had been raped.  It was beautiful and heartbreaking to see.  It was the first time I had seen the troubles many of my friends had gone through.  Some I had known about already.  Many I had not known.  And then, I was hearing stories of strangers.  And it felt so familiar.  Of course, in sharing the stories, there are those that victim shame.  Or in ignorance, don't clarify that in the end, the victim doesn't have control over what happens to them.  See, one thing I learned on this healing trip was my rape wasn't about sex.  Sounds absurd since that's exactly what was violated, right? My virginity was a sense of pride for me.  I coveted it.  I thought I was waiting for when I was going to be married but I later figured that I would fall in love and I would give myself then.  I also figured I would be about 20, 21, 22 when it happened.  And it wouldn't be Javier.  He had already cheated and lost his virginity.  In retrospect, I realized it was mine he wanted.  So, it wasn't a matter of if I was going to be raped.  But when.  By putting the pieces together of his control and how he treated.  Of how he gaslighted me...well, the puzzle pieces make more sense now then they did then.  I had to take a couple of Mental Health days and stay away from social media after the Harvey Weinstein story came out.  It affected me deeply.  I was relieved of the story coming out.  But I was also overwhelmed and triggered.  I have worked long and hard to function in a healthy way as a rape survivor.  I, and I alone have the power to control my triggers.  And sometimes, that control takes alot of strength.  I remember a friend likening me to Xena, the princess warrior.  They felt me being strong and keeping my walls up.  At the time, I had to.  I didn't understand the analogy.  But all I knew was I wasn't ready to push my walls down and fully heal.  I didn't even know where to start.  It wasn't until Kate that I felt I knew my direction.  I understand it now.  And they are right.  I am even stronger than I realize.  You see.  In addition to surviving sexual abuse and emotional abuse from one man.  I endured physical abuse from two other men.  But what I learned is that because of the sexual abuse I came with a vulnerability pocket that wouldn't have existed for the two that were physically abusive.  Strangely, both of them never wanted to be THAT MONSTER. So, in that department, they did not abuse me.  You can imagine how f*cked up I felt inside.  When I did finally lose it, I was giggling with the partner.  I felt safe.  He made me feel safe.  We are no longer together.  But he protected me for that time so I could continue life. And be here today.  And for that, I consider him a hero.  I was also 22. So, in the end.  I did give my precious gift to someone I was in love with.  I don't know if men realize the amount of rules that women are given on how not to be sexually assaulted.  The first time I got some kind of sexual harassment, I was 11.  Some boys were pulling my bra.  I was quite developed for an 11 year old.  I've always been top heavy, if you will.  The worst part was one of the teachers was encouraging it.  I ended up reporting her and having her removed.  In my 7th grade year, a jealous girl who was small, called me Ortits since my last name was so close.  Ortiz.  I wasn't ready for that kind of attention that early.  Now, I'd have been like..yeah..and you little bits tits, you're jealous and you want some of mine.  Through this article I read, it made me see how little a man has to go through to protect himself.  And what it takes for a woman to.  I believe we live in a rape culture.  And that pains me. 

Thursday, October 12, 2017

Dance


Life had a different path for me.  But had I directed my own movie, I probably would be a choreographer.  Something about hearing music and letting my body express through dance is like energy.  It is breath.  It is beauty.  But since this is not my life, I love watching dancing.  Especially ballroom and contemporary.  I posted a song that somehow I felt described me.  I don't know how to explain it.  But if I close my eyes...I am dancing. I am there.  I am me in this song.My happy song exists with that song.    What is it about dance that makes me happy and sometimes, sad to see a story in dance?  We come into this world with a purpose.  We seek our entire existence in this life figuring out that beautiful and yet very daunting equation.  Find your dance today.  It doesn't have to be steps, per se.  It just has to be how you, as a person find your way through life.  There is so much negative out there these days, it's hard to find the positive.  But here, as a tear drops from my face, from sadness and joy, here I see my dance.  I see me.  I see the beauty I bring to the world.  And here, I share it with you. So that you may share it too. 

In Reverence, by David Tolk

If I had a song that could describe

Tuesday, October 3, 2017

The road to greater things


Two years ago, I had what could only be called some version of a nervous breakdown.
 It was because I wasn't just having a flashback of the rape.  I saw it all.  Over the years, I realized I had protected myself from blocking the entire incident out.  I had "cliffnotes" of it.  And that was enough for me, emotionally.  But I needed to have that day.  I needed to realized I needed to talk to someone about what happened.  How it made me feel.  And how I saw myself inside.  Luckily, I had support the entire day.  One friend even came over and stayed with me.  That day started things in motion.  It started the road to greater things.  I'm here, in 2017, getting ready for work.  I have learned how to listen to my mental health and physical health.  I have learned to not take on too much.  I have learned healthy boundaries and working with this odd need to please.  These days, it's not so much about myself in selfish ways.  But more so on being able self care so I can have a more full life.  Uyll by Gary Stadler is on. 

Monday, October 2, 2017

Forgiveness and remorse


This weekend, I experienced something...well I'm not really sure I have had a feeling like that.  For the many struggles I have had...friendships, my healthy, relationship with Jeremy, my rape, there was a part of my struggle I didn't touch upon.  And even now, I won't identify it specifically.  Group remorse was shown to me.  I had to keep an open mind approaching this situation.  But given the better head space I was in...I felt ready to face anything...or anyone.  What a feeling.  I felt fearless.  It also went better than expected.  All with support.  "Ethan" and Jeremy were wonderful.  I am lucky.  I am blessed.  I have support in so many places.  It feels good.  But it felt muted when I woke up this morning to a tragedy on television.  It makes you want to not go anywhere.  I avoid large crowds for health reasons.  But these days, also for the many senseless tragedies.  Unfortunately, I can't stop living my life.  And that's part of it.  Don't let a coward stop you from living your life.  I don't know where all my thoughts are.  I just was thinking about forgiveness and remorse today.

Wednesday, September 27, 2017

Transported in pictures

I bought a new necklace.  It's the Tardis in Starry Night.  

Nom Nom Nom

Transported

I had to send this to my friend that loves Batman.