Thursday, March 30, 2017
I love listening to them, even when I'm not upset now.
My Miracle by Danny Wright is on. It kind of seems fitting for the mood I am in. I wasn't sure how to blog today. I say fitting because one part of me has a metaphorical skip in my step. I had a sneezing frenzy this morning. But it didn't deter my mood. My post today was about that. They're not rose colored, by any means. But I am starting to see the view as aquamarine, blue green. A col but very clear color. It also reminds me the conversation with Kate, my therapist. I terminated my therapy Tuesday. I am in a good place and space in life. One of the most important things I needed to learn was how to live life after reporting, which I have. And also to learn how to react in life, in general. I likened it to sifting through different pains in life. My emotional radar gets let's say...confuzzled on the pain and betrayal barometer. It's never easy to explain so I won't try. But one of the casualties of being raped is this emotional radar malfunction of sorts. Anytime I terminated a friendship or relationship, I have a different perspective scope of things because I have mapped out the emotional radar differently. That has so helped. For past things. For my present. and for my future. I have four people I generally text every morning or text me every morning during the week. One of those conversations went as follows:
I reflect on how another lesson learned was one necessary. And that was pain. I reflect on happier and healthier times and appreciate that I need to walk through and walk away. I look back and it was inevitable. In order to have my healing today, it was needed to help propel me to therapy. While I was getting therapy on being sexually assaulted, I was also getting help on understanding my world, how to react to it, how to trust it, and how to thrive and lead a healthy life. I was helping myself to continue healthy relationships with Jeremy and people I care about and whom care about me. I was helping myself to continue a healthy relationship with myself. Even when I have a subject that might make things awkward between Jeremy and I, it was a conversation we could have, move on, and still have a beautiful evening. You see, we both have learned how to communicate to each other. But it does start with me. I have had to learn to react differently. And how do you really teach that?! It came with time, understanding, and an extraordinary therapist. She keeps saying I did all the work. But this time, something clicked. Natalia was amazing too but she left. But that was also necessary. I needed to also learn that lesson. I was very nervous starting with a new therapist this time around. I am so glad I did. I encourage anyone who knows someone or is someone that has had a traumatic experience to find a good fit for a therapist. It is key.
I often gave off this Xena ish warrior barrier vibe. I hadn't meant to but it had become so much habit I didn't know how else to handle pain. Or express it. I also relied on my aspects to express me because I wasn't ready to be whole yet. I hadn't realized there were experiences I needed to have in order to be whole. Like pain, a disconnection, meeting CC, therapy, and reporting, just to name a few. So..at the beginning of the blog I put My Miracle as the song. My miracle...is me. I am walking proof of living a healthy life as a rape survivor. The journey never truly ends for the survivor. I will have moments. But I feel a healing that is unprecedented. And for me, that is everything.
Monday, March 27, 2017
It's a shame that certain people have decided that accountability is not in their nature. Some very important information came to light today. As I sit here with the new information, it makes me...more sad...than mad, really. I despise lying. I didn't do it will already irritate me. But when you deliberately make up stories or weave something of a truth to favor "your side of the story", that's worse in my eyes. For the love of a princess from Myleene Klass is on. It's good to have calm music for the feeling I have inside. Jeremy is off but I didn't tell him about the information yet. He has an interview with a head hunter today. I can tell him tonight. Here it is. I've been calling up the Criminal Investigations office to attempt to get my report amended. Officer Noble put an incorrect birthday for me. I finally reached someone. Dolores told me the investigation is backlogged because they have so many of them, not dismissed as Javier's lawyer had said. I haven't received a phone call. That's all. Javier is deliberately trying to paint a picture of CC and I as scheming wives. And in some ways, I can see how he could pull off that perception if he thinks there is no proof. I think two things. He either things we're too scared to show it or too stupid. No, really. He called her crazy and me, stupid. Why wouldn't he underestimate us? I look back at interactions with people. I can understand why I was so forthcoming. I don't like honest. It's been tainted, to me. But forthcoming means I told the truth. And this is my truth. And you know what? I'm consistent. That's the beautiful about me. Someone can cover up the truth. Someone can try to half truth their way out of something. Someone can downright lie. The truth will come out, someway, somehow. I mean...even my blog serves as a truth coming out. He'd like to think we slander him. However, it isn't slander when it's the truth. It took me a long to say anything so there forgo any evidence, per se. It took me a long time because I have struggled with this for so long. Each survivor has a different story on how they coped. This is mine. When I started blogging, I couldn't really tell you where the story development was going. At first, it just seemed about my life and adventures. Then, about my friendships and my relationship with Jeremy. But all that centered on how I was dealing with life, as a rape victim who didn't want to drown from pain that at times, could consume me. I tried two times to go to the Rape Crisis Center. I got help but I hadn't reported. I was getting close to something when a friendship or I should say friendships set me back emotionally. And that's okay. It means I wasn't ready yet to report. I needed to see Javier on August 1...THIS YEAR. I firmly believed things happened for a reason. I needed the strength to know what to do once I reported. And I did. I got help. I learned how to look at things. I learned how to decipher on what Javier did to me doesn't mean others are trying to do that to me. It's hard to explain patterns that sometimes go through my brain when I feel betrayed, threatened, or hurt. For me, they seem as real and as hurtful as the emotional toll of what happened. But it's not. They are different hurts. And no one is Javier. I've been abused by an ex husband. I've been abused by an ex boyfriend. But no one has quite mind fucked me like Javier. In fact, neither might have had a chance to abuse me if I hadn't believed Javier that I was that worthless. In that sense, my story is very similar to other rape stories. One might ask why I was so open to write about it to anyone....much less...
Unchained Melody by Esteban is on. Thank you, Universe....much less strangers. But each time one of you read my story, I became stronger. I know none of you. And yet, I know you. I know that my words meant something to you for you to continue to read my story. I will never get tired of thanking you for being a support I had no idea I needed.
Friday, March 24, 2017
This life I live...lol
Caregiving life can be quiet sometimes. And then, not. I was a fill in yesterday. And while not as medical as my regular, there was still some "excitement". But there's also something about this job that I hadn't really given much thought at the time. Besides connecting with the clients, it's also connecting with the family members. I build relationships with the family members. I am their support system too. While I am not therapist, per se I have extended my "friend therapist" position to my professional life. Yesterday was a great example of feeling my full life. I worked. Then, since I am hardly on the side of town I was in I saw a half price bookstore I had gone to with a friend. I was actually looking for lego dimensions figurines. However, I figured, since I was there to check out the movies. Side note. I am listening to the first audiobook I like. Mark Bramhall is the narrator. I am listening to The Magicians. I saw the first season and just waiting for the second season to be on Netflix. I digress. I was in the mood for BBQ of some sort. I had made potato salad the other day for loved one's birthday. Dickey's is a great BBQ place! I found Enchanted for $4.00! I also finished out my collection of Tom Clany's series of movies. I also went grocery shopping, and finally housework. By 4:30, I was pooped. But I smiled. I smiled because this life I live feels good. The professional. The personal. My friends. We even had a last minute invite to hang out. Look at us...hanging out...on a weeknight. Since our whole schedule has adjusted this week, why not just make it an adjust week. *wink *wink* I'm heading out in a bit to go to work. Every day is a gift. So I embrace that gift and try to give as much back. This is my gift back. Not everyone believes in God. Honestly, depending on my mood..God is God one day and he's well...God. And then, the Universe is God, and well she's God..or would that be Goddess? But somewhere, I feel compelled to give back. And this is my way to do that. Gestures and words of affirmation. It's my thing.
Thursday, March 23, 2017
Now, you would think I might have taken a picture of me with my Hufflepuff on Monday. But if you think about it...you know I go to work in Hufflepuff or some kind of Harry Potter when I work. My lanyard is Harry Potter and so is my bow. And usually my socks. And a necklace. So...for what's worth..I can get a picture anytime with Hufflepuff. Blue for Ravenclaw day. That's another story. I do actually have a Ravenclaw blue but it's in the laundry. So I went for blue, in general. Along with my what I like to call "Queen Sparkles, Queen of her own castle..finally" necklace. It used to have what I call not so great karma and I threw out the original. Then, the other day, I found it at Hot Topic again. I'm in a different mindset with it. So I bought it. Jeremy also went in blue, for the occasion. After all, he's Ravenclaw! I picked up a shift so I am on my way out. Then, it's a day of housewife mode after that. Happy Ravenclaw Day!!
In case you wanted to know about the other two, Slytherin was Tuesday. And Gryffindor was yesterday. I have two Slytherin friends. And plenty of Gryffindor friends. I also have a handful of Hufflepuff friends too. Okay. Enjoy your day, wonderful world of blog. I'm sorry you had to deal with a couple of days of grr with me. The Unicorn is back and raising hell and sunshine, like she always does as a badass. Toodles! Me in blue umm...blue necklace, blue socks and blue scrubs. (Doctor Who socks). Let's go rock this day like the badasses we are....shall we?
Wednesday, March 22, 2017
The good thing about getting mad is that I have people that help ground me. Dinner for loved one was a success. I did find out I go to work today. I also called about trying to amend the incident report. I left a message with investigations office. I'm just waiting for them to return my call. I wrestled with the idea of putting it on Instagram. The narrative, I mean. I finally did. I am not ready to post it on Facebook. However, I felt the narrative needed to be read. Especially from finding out he is calling me...and CC, liars. It was good motivation for getting the report and my therapy records. Also, CC made me an arrangement for that night. I love it. Since I am not putting it on Facebook, I will type what it says.
Office Noble Badge #4056 wrote as follows:
I was dispatched to the home of (not inserting the address of where I reported) to take an information report. I made contact with C. (C is complainant). She stated that back in 1996, C was dating SP (Suspect). They had a falling out and she had gotten close to another male. When SP found out about that he stated he had a right to have sex with C. C refused but SP forced himself on her. She turned her head and began crying during the act but has blocked out the incident from her mind at the time. C was 19 years old at the time. I gave C the case number.
There you have it. I reported 12-16-16
And I am doing one more thing I haven't done before. Here is my rapist's face. You want to say I'm a liar, fucker? Watch what happens....Xavier Gonzales by birthday. He used Javier Gonzales when he was with me. I didn't spend the last 20 years fighting inside. I don't run the 5K for shits and giggles. I haven't had to struggle in therapy and find my healing...for a lie. There isn't a tattoo on my back because of something I made up. YOU ARE A RAPIST. THAT IS NOT SLANDER. YOU WANT TO PUT OUT THERE THAT THERE IS NO REPORT? BECAUSE I WAS AFRAID!!! I'LL SAY IT AGAIN. YOU ARE A RAPIST.
Tuesday, March 21, 2017
I'm trying to find humor in how I feel right now. Someone dared to stir the dragon bitch in me. And why, you may ask? It first started with reading something I wasn't supposed to see. But damn if the Universe didn't have it that someone, somewhere was calling me a liar. In the worst way ever. My rapist...was calling me a liar. Of course, he was. He's not going to admit something like this. My logic knows that.But still....my emotions couldn't wrap myself around this information. He's covering his butt. Could you imagine if it got out what he did to me? Is there a possibility that he could go to jail? At least in his mind, that's why the panic is there. It happened in 1996. I have no physical evidence to give. There is no DNA sample to give. It's why I didn't press charges. I just wanted documentation. So....my version of Voldermort was saying it didn't happen. So I went and got the incident report. Only...I had to verify I was really the victim. I mean...could you imagine? It was like some fucked up violation all over again. I have to prove to someone that this really happened...and I'm really me...because someone put the wrong birthday. Think Unikitty. I went fucking nuts. I was a bitch in my eyes. But I didn't care. I was leaving with an incident report. I did, thank goodness. I verified Javier's information, along with mine...and the right birthday. I also requested my therapy sessions at the Rape Crisis Center. They have a new location! I decided to make an appointment while I was there so maybe I'll be able to pick them up on my next appointment. But if not, closure is needed. I am in a good spot. Before, I think I would have just cried from the incident. Instead....I just became mad. I don't like the idea of being that mad and becoming a raging bitch. But usually when I feel the need to lie or become negative in some way, there is a method to my madness with it. Like not telling a client about my condition. This time around I haven't told my client. They have enough to worry about. I see it as lying by omission. Luckily, I wasn't alone with this. I had support. And what support. It's funny what you will do for others. I don't know if I would have pushed for any of my information to come out. But he forced my hand, in a way. You were hoping I never had the guts to report you, asshole. You deny your neglect and child abuse. Of course, you're going to deny the rape. Watch me, mother fucker. Watch me show documentation. Lie...my ass. I guess I go nuts when someone directly or indirectly questions whether I tell the truth or not. I mean...if you are going to accuse me...it better be for something I did. lol I'm calming down. Writing out into the void about this crazy day is helping. Inside my head I wish I could punch this dickwad out. He's scum. He's shit. But there are ways to handle this. And the adult way I will. Just don't force my hand. Because then, I won't be the raging bitch in front (like the poor person who was denying my incident report but didn't approach it right when they said the information doesn't match up. ) The birthday didn't . After I verified my real birthday. His birthday. Where it happened. His address. When it happened. When I reported it. What officer I reported it to. Where I reported...You get the idea. No...I will be quiet bitch. And just give the evidence needed to have you cut your own throat, buddy. And in case this is some sick story I am making up...why don't you talk to the people who know about the rape? My husband. My ex boyfriends. My ex husband. My ex friends. My parents. My therapists. I have PTSD. I don't advertise it. I have enough to say about my Eplisepy and PCOS. But it's there. I've had to make sure I didn't have Dissociative Identity Disorder because I separated aspects of me for years in order to cope and survive. Nowadays, I am Jess. Whole Jess. But that has taken years to really believe I could be whole. These things are not made up. These things are real. My blog....My blog is real. Ughs. Sighs. Thank you, blog universe. Thank you for letting me vent and yell into the void. Because today, today was a day of Jess, the raging bitch. Wow...Universe... I love you. Unchained Melody is on. The guitar version. Esteban's version. The redo one. The what timing Unchained Melody.
I did such a girly thing yesterday. I bought a purse. A Vera Bradley, at that. Now, that may seem like a trivial thing but I have been on the fence with the brand because 1) bad feeling with it regarding a former friend and 2) Not a big fan of the patterns and prints. However, they finally made one that fits my phone and in a solid black. While I wasn't entirely happy about the price tag, I looked at it as an investment. I can see myself wearing this a lot. It's the perfect size. I was emotionally exhausted and still am from work. Work is going to be a little different right now, location wise. But I am glad to be there for my client. And her family member. Coffee with CC in a bit. And making a birthday dinner for a loved one, tonight. It's also the 2nd wedding anniversary of dear one. It's also Slytherin Day. Tomorrow is Gryffindor Day. And Thursday is Ravenclaw day. I picked up a shift on Thursday so I might not even remember about it. And of course I got something Harry Potter on Hufflepuff day. It seemed...fitting.
Monday, March 20, 2017
Being prepared was the theme for Friday. For privacy reasons, I don't think I can really go into detail about my client but they had a medical emergency. I think I can safely say it was one of the most craziest moments in my life. But I did find out something about myself. Sometimes I have frozen for things that happen to me. But for others, I get on the ball!!! It's a nice thing to know about myself. With all the insanity of the day before, I did have an episode Saturday morning. But I slept it off. And I also could have been experiencing so much emotion from seeing Beauty and the Beast with Jeremy. I bawled the entire time. This was a little girl's dream come true. And I was here with him. It's hard to explain. But so much emotion was there...and it was beautiful. And the next day, we went to the museum. I am such a museum nerd. We ended the anniversary weekend on an amazing note. I finished a game!!! Jeremy has finished plenty of games but I haven't so it was a new thing for me. I love Lego Dimensions! It has been such an amazing weekend. How much? Jeremy and I got crazy...on our desk. Something I have always wanted to try. Who does that? Apparently, two crazy kids in love. So...business as usual today for work. I gotta turn in some paperwork at the office so it's the reason I haven't gone back to sleep. What a weekend. Being prepared for the insanity that life brings you is important. Honestly, even with all the preparing...something things will still throw you for a loop and knock you off your feet. What do you do? You get up and figure out your next move. And sometimes, there isn't one right next move. Everybody's next move looks different. I had a friend recently wish me happy anniversary but also themselves. We have the same anniversary. And they and I were certain it was divorceville. But something changed...and they decided to stay married. I was shocked. But I was also happy for them. Because each marriage has a chance to redo...start over...keep going. Each marriage deserves growth...no matter how far down the rabbit hole the two think they are. Good for them. And each marriage looks different. Hell...I'll go one better than that...each relationship. Relationships don't come in one size fits all. I wish the greater society understood that. Maybe one day we will.
Friday, March 17, 2017
It's something to celebrate an anniversary. It means you kept trying. It means you figured it out. It's my mantra for marriage. You figure it out. You love each other? Check. Okay. Then, you figure it out. If those two things can't be answered or the answer is no...then, it's time to hang up your hat on it. At least that's my take on it. Back to Anniversary stuff. We went to Outback for our anniversary dinner. Jeremy still wanted to do steaks for dinner. He had considered Magic Time Machine but we had just gone for my birthday. The one at the forum has had an upgrade. It looks nice! Prior to dinner we had exchanged cards. My heart melted. The man picks the perfect cards. There's thought that goes into picking these cards. We spent the rest of the night until *ahem* Thursday night playing Lego Dimensions. I'm so hooked to this game. lol What a beautiful day. Today, we are continuing Anniversary stuff. We are going to see Beauty and the Beast. I am so excited. Now, to get ready for work.
Thursday, March 16, 2017
Today is Jeremy's and my 5th wedding anniversary. What an adventure. Most of it wonderful. Some of it very painful. All of it necessary to have us exactly where we are. We have a love story. A rather bizarre one, at that. But it's like the universe wanted to show even out of the most painful parts of a person's life, beauty can be there. I mean, really. It's like some strange Lifetime movie. My rapist introduced me to my husband. I don't make light of my pain. I just want to show that there is life after pain, whatever it is. Even the pain that Jeremy and I endured. Struggling to communicate. Getting on the wrong footing. Allowing people and other variables to influence on what we thought and appreciated in the relationship we had. I allowed influences too. Not just him. We failed each other for a while. But I don't regret that we failed each other. Because we are stronger for it now. We thought we had figured out the life lesson. Little did we know there was so much more to come to understand and appreciate the bond we really have. We really are best friends. We really do have each other's back. We really are each other's rock. We really are...us. You and Me is playing from Anne Trenning. What a nice fit for today's blog. We have our hot lunch date today. And Anniversary dinner later tonight. Tomorrow we go see Beauty and the Beast. Which just makes me happy like no tomorrow. It's one of my favorite stories...and I get to see it with Jeremy. And we have the museum this weekend, as well. We we were up late last night like dorks playing Lego Dimensions. But that's us. The couple that dorks together...stays together? lol All I know...is that through therapy, through relearning how to communicate with Jeremy, through showing him how I truly appreciate him, flaws and all....that we are exactly where we are supposed to be....And that's just wonderfully fine by me.
Tuesday, March 14, 2017
That picture. Ughs. But I love it. I love how we were feeling in that moment. It was a beautiful experience. And with all that we have gone through...made it even more beautiful
Obsessed with Legos again. Legos Dimensions. You can play video games with Legos. And my childhood has been ruined and meshed. Worlds have been combined and collided lol
Happy Pi day! I've got Jeremy's and my pies ready. They're cute little pies, cherry and apple. Heh heh. It is Tuesday night lol
Among the many wonderful things one of the bffs and I talked about today, we talked about emotional bank accounts. It's a wonderful feeling to be overflowing with overwhelming amount of emotional currency. I have what I think of as my panel. There is the big 3. These 3 marvelous women come from different perspectives and points of view but that's what I love about them. Also, that they have my best interest in mind. I have a fourth friend that is in a planet all her own. But that's because she and I have been on a similar journey. Imagine that another me was running around. Yet, it wasn't me. It's a chance to see what this other me with different life paths evolved into. And that is why I say she is on a different planet. There are others, while not quite best friends, still have important impact on my life that their feedback means alot. But here's an interesting evolution too. I started listening to my own thoughts. My own voice. In a way, I created a bank account for myself as well, on self love. I think we forget to do that for ourselves. I am not talking about when we are seflish. There's a difference. I am talking about when we stand up for ourselves. We see ourselves as a priority as well. When we allow ourselves some time to recharge, decompress, clear our heads, or any outlet that is just us. Sometimes my self love involves doing something for myself while sharing it with someone. And then other times, self love is doing something simple as blogging. And sometimes self love is asking for something because it means something to you. Wine...in a bathtub...with the lights off seems like such a simple task. But for an Epileptic, it's a little more complicated. It means asking for supervision. And for years, I thought that was too much self love to ask for. Silly me. Now, I take baths on the weekend like it was nothing. Sometimes I involve Jeremy. And sometimes, I just want to be left alone in my bath time. And in the middle of the day, I asked for wine....because I could lol.
I had to remind myself that while I thought it was selfish to ask for that...it is a way to give myself self love.
I periodically check my own bank account to make sure I am taking care of myself. I got a manicure and a pedicure with one of my best friends, the other day. And it doesn't take much for my emotional bank account to fill. That's the beauty I know of my bank account. Sometimes, it's even doing something for someone else that replenishes my self love. Therapy is helping me to see my value. It's one thing to hear the words. It's another to believe it. I've come such a long way on my journey. I'm still not done. But my healing journey is a beautiful one. And I get to share the good, the bad, and the healing with one person who gets me. Even sometimes when he doesn't. There's a God awful picture of us. Which I intend to show you guys. Honestly, it's not the best one of us. But it's also one of my favorites. Because I know what I was feeling. I know what he was feeling. I didn't cry at the finish line. I was just there, in the moment...running towards the finish line. And I had Jeremy by my side...literally.
Thursday, March 9, 2017
Debussy: Clare De Lune by Kerrilyn Renshaw is playing. What a beautiful day. Today is usually my day off but work asked me if I could pick up a shift. I had already filled in for this client. I love my job. I can't say that enough. I love my job. At the end of my shift, the client fist bumped me and called me an alright chick. I chuckled. And fist bumped him back. His wife and I made potato salad. And just talked. I met their daughter this time too. She stopped by to drop something things off. I am tired. But I can't help it. I like helping out. I think a nap is in store. I do love naps. lol And then, after that, training. I have done half of my work training. I've got another one to go. Yah,online training! I am also trying to get the Renfaire tickets. I am so excited about that. It's Jeremy's birthday gift. I'm treating him to the tickets and the day. I love my job. They have opened up a confidence in me that I couldn't even imagined. I work for an amazing company. About that nap. Hope you have an amazing day. She sent me home with potato salad lol She insisted I take some to Jeremy. I have some saved for him. That assignment... made my day.