It's always different

Different experience.  Different reaction.  Different outcome. That's something to appreciate.  I do. It's a perspective I've come to appreciate

Make it count

Make it count.  That simple.

Drain

Well... at least I know it's not in my head. This sinus infection drains you. I will try to get inspiration back. But for now my blogs are a blurr. Not much philosophical thinking.  It's hard to when you're drained.  I need to recharge

Not much on inspiration

I'm sick. I have a sore throat.  I lost my voice.  Saturday. ..I'm hoping you're better. All I want to do is get under the covers

Love

I am happy.  I love life. I love you.  I hope you are happy.  If, not I hope you find your happy.  Thanks for reading.  You don't know the smile it brings that you do.

I'm going to look back

I'm going to look back and smile.  I'm going to laugh at the inside jokes. Im going to cherish this time.  The kids are growing up. One day thwy won't need us as much. That's when I hope we our influence made a difference

Bonding and memories

We're going to look back and smile.  These memories will stay with us. This bonding will have a lasting effect. I want to have an impact on them. I have a feeling I will. Footprints of influence is what I would call it

Sometimes you gotta let them fall

Ever get into a situation where you watch someone you care about and have to let them fall? You want to protect them.  You want to show them the error of their ways.  But what if the whole point is to to let them learn.  And that won't be accomplished if you're protecting them constantly.  You have to let people you care about fall.  I think it's one of the most difficult things to do.  You watch them.  You're there in a supportive role. However, you don't interfere.  It pains you to just watch as they seemingly fail.  And even if they aren't failing they are possibly wandering into a spiral that is not healthy, at that.  It's not that I know so much.  It's just that I have experiences.  And those experiences have harnessed a therapy type role.  I am a mother hen of sorts.  I don't mean to parent.  But I do.  I've been there.  At least listen to my "take".  I hope I am wrong. I'd love to be proven wrong, really.  But somehow, in the long run, I don't see that happening.  But sometimes that's why you gotta let them fall.  They have to learn the lesson. A lesson learned.

It made the day interesting

It's as though people were angry all over.  A friend pointed out that this might be because people are shopping and stressed.  It saddens me that one has to be stressed about that. What kind of family do tou have if you're worried how they will react to tour present?  And then the anger.  I found my sanctuary.  I was able to decompress.  I also had my own frustration about unable to find medical ID jewelry in person.  Then, just as I'm ready to call it a day...I find one. I almost cried.  The day turned positive.  Anger will consume.  I know.  It used to consume me. It doesn't serve one well. It was something I had to learn.  The object or target of my anger doesn't receive it. I'm the one that feels the toxin and pain. I suffer the consequences.  One can't control the way things go. But one can control how they react. Theses were the thoughts I had that made the day interesting.  That and me finding a medical bracelet. 

Kindness

It's important to do a selfless act. Funny,  while it's selfless I get a rush from seeing the reaction to someone receiving it. I felt good. I felt happy I brought happiness to someone who had a bad day. Happy happy joy joy

Understanding beyond the logic

My sense of smell is quite astute and rather sensitive.  I was on a hunt for clary sage. I got something better.  I got something that also included chamomile.  That helps calm me too. I'm already an anxious person by nature.  Epilepsy just amplifies it. Aromatherapy intrigues me. Homeopathy is something I'd like to learn more about.  Metaphysical understanding is something I am open to. Like Faith. ..tou can't always see something.  It's more about feeling and intuition.  That is bot to say logic doesn't have a beautiful purpose to serve. It just means I like incorporating these two sides to my personality. 

Thinking outside of the box

Sometimes you have to take another angle on things.  I have unsuccessfully taken an exam.  And while I don't feel like I failed the score says otherwise...by a point.  But this is the only thing in my life that doesn't seem to work well.  It's like I'm in my own adventure and this is the "lesson" I must learn.  I have to "think outside of the box." Even my rib fracture seems like an interesting adventure to conquer.  I learn things along the way that make improve me.  I must be open to learning new things and perspectives.  I finally opened myself up to Reiki.  That was an experience.  I realized I don't always have the luxury of sight in order for my results or evidence.  Sometimes, I have to go with something that "feels" right.  That's risky because we live in a world that is governed by statistics and evidence and valid arguments.  Sometimes I don't have that.  Sometimes I have to experience things for myself and feel the environment and energy.  I look for positive. I look for learning. I look for open perspective. I look for respect.  I look for these things in order to constantly improve myself as a person.  I want to continue growing as a person.  I want to make a difference...even if it is in a small way.  Many things evolved because people were "thinking outside the box".  I'm not a "shaker" in term of changing the world.  But I can change mine and that makes the biggest difference to me.  It's like leaving a legacy.

Energy, ambiance, and oregano?

I can't quite explain the kind of energy that people have running around them.  I stopped seeing it. The aura, I mean.  Back to the subject...But the idea of putting out the right energy is important.  I am leery of whom "practices" or delves into the idea of energy.  So it's hard for me to allow myself an energy cleanse or reiki or anything, really.  However, I trust my friend Krissi immensely.  So I allowed her to do a session. I had to be open to it.  That was the most important part.  I'd like to think I am open minded to things I can't always see.  I felt a sense of "cleanse". I almost want to say it was a surge of points...chakras? I am not quite sure what I was feeling. It felt good.  I feel rejuvenated physically but most importantly, emotionally.  My anxiety feels "placed somewhere else besides on me".  I know that sounds strange.  But that's the feeling I have.  Oregano was involved.  It's catnip for me, really.  I am a happy clam.  Clary sage is also a good aroma for an epileptic.  What's interesting is my olfactory sense is quite astute.  I have a sensitivity to certain smells.  It's quite...intriguing...yes that;s a good word... to me... Energy, ambiance, and oregano.  You wouldn't think they necessarily create such an environment for me to to feel "at home" in my own body at times.  The anxiety that sometimes is there makes me feel funny in my own skin at times.  It's hard to explain to people. I might get a funny look.  You might be making that face right now. You were considerate enough to read my blog. The least I can do is be authentic and tell you what's on my mind or what I'm feeling.  Sometimes I like the idea of thinking or feeling "out of the box".  Think about it the next time...Energy, ambiance, and aromatherapy.

Oh ,Whiskers

My constant companion.  She is my familiar.  We do not speak through words.  Somehow, I know...I know her love.  I know her moodiness.  I know when she needs space.  It hurt to lose Brody.  I hold her just a little tighter.  She expresses annoyance.  Yet, she lets me.  I take so many pictures.  She lets me.  I spoil her so.  I am owned by her.  I am perfectly okay with that.  Her purr makes me so happy.  She cuddles and I melt.  I can't even tell you that feeling.  Oh Whiskers...:) you are dear to me, my baby girl.

Good people

Jeremy works with an amazing group of guys. They work wrll together and are friends outside of work. It's nice to see Jeremy on his element.  Christmas party was fun. It's nice to mingle on my own.  Jeremy likes that. He doesn't have to worry about me being a wall flower!

Something about organizing

There's something about organizing to caters to my OCD tendencies.  I feel calm when I organize. I like the sense of control and order it brings.  I don't have severe tendencies but they are there.  I always blame them on my anxious nature that brims below the surface.  I can control that anxiety better these days thanks to being married to Jeremy.  I imagine if I were analyzing myself it's something to do with the assault.  Back to organizing...I like small projects of organizing.  For example, I accidently uninstalled my recipes for my food planner.  So organize I went.  I am attempting to organize our linen closet with our towels.   I am trying to organize my study information for MBLEX.   I organized my jewelry.  It's like everything should have its place somewhere somehow.  That type of order distracts me from my own anxiety.  I am focus on something.  That's usually how it works for me.  I can't be the only one.  I am quirky and weird by nature.  My brain process does run on a different machine.  However, I don't think I'm unique in thinking productivity provides a sense of calm.  That the focus does something.  It's something about organizing.

Friends

I'm low on inspiration.  I'm a little tired.  But friends always make it better.  That's not something that gets old. I thank my friends for the different roles they play in my life. Thank you for supporting me in all things " Jess".

Being inspired

Keeping yourself open to inspiration is important.  It means you allow different perspectives to influence decisions in your life. Sometimes you surprise yourself and tou become tge inspiration.  Other times you find the right people in your life and the smallest things become moments of just inspirations.  They key is to be open. Being open means you see the positive of each situation. ..no matter how hard it is. That fighting spirit of positive outlook will take a person far. A person becomes inspired.  Perhaps a person learns. That is what is beautiful about inspiration.

Soapbox

I think the wrong message of harassment is being portrayed in the media. The news bothers me because I wish people would think more before buying into a cause. The intention is good. But there is morw to stories than what a news blip is going to put out. The two big controversial stories are not the same.  One is a clear case of brutality.  The other is an excuse to start a riot. Which it did. I think in the case of Michael Brown the correct verdict was brought.  On Eric Gardner's. ...the opposite.  Ok. Enough soap box. There is only so much opinion to put out there tgat I'm comfortable with

An experience

Although I didn't know my friend's mom I felt the pain.  I felt it because I felt it from Vinnie.  I am relieved that things worked out that I at least was able to go.  This is unimaginable pain.  I can't even imagine the anguish he must feel.  I had to find my "center" after I left.  I drank some Spice Chai tea and took a nap.  Whiskers must have felt my distress because she stayed close to me to snuggle.  I needed it.  I am better.  I still want to make this day productive so I think some studying is in order. At least so I won't feel guilty.  Today was an experience. 

My friend

I am thinking of you and your family.  I will be there for just a bit tomorrow.  But know. .it's with much love and heart. The anguish you feel is unimaginable.  You are surrounded by love. You are not alone in your pain. We cry with you. We hurt because you hurt.

Sanctuary

It is something about a safe place, whether it is a person, a physical place, or a spiritual connection.
This sanctuary finds its form in many ways for me.  Sometimes it is a physical place.  I feel my sanctuary in the living room.  I have my laptop, my music, the lamp...there is an ambiance of safety.  Then...Jeremy becomes my sanctuary.  He makes me feel safe from the harsh reality outside of my comfortable walls.  Suddenly, by his hug or being by his side I fee stronger handling certain people or situations.  Music is my sanctuary.  I surround myself with calming music that enhances the calm I am attempting to keep inside.

  Sometimes it is a place, or person, or some form of your faith.    Just embrace that safe feeling and cherish. It's a beautiful feeling. All I can say is that sanctuary is important.  Go to it.  It's a gift to have.  It's a gift to be

Be happy for others

I'm glad I am a person that is happy for you. That's how it should be. I found out recently a friendship seems like it was all a lie. Ouch. She didn't like my success and wanted me to fail. That is sad.

Getting a background story

It doesn't excuse behavior but when you get a background story it pieces together things you might question or gaps in an answer.  People still need to hold themselves accountable but being equipped with that information helps to figure the next step

Jeremy

He's my rock.  He's my person. He grounds me. He inspires me.

Reactions

Maybe it's because of Jeremy's Zen behavior. ..but I don't react the same Waugh I did 5 years ago...let alone 10. My body goes into a physiological crisis or stress mode. That puts a toll on my condition.  Obviously life is going to have stress. It's up to me to figure out how to c contain it

Together

When you care about people whether blood bound or not...you hurt when they hurt. You're happy when they're happy.  That's a true part of people who are really together.  They bond.

Noticing things

If you are lucky enough you notice things about ones you love.  You notice when they like something..or for that matter..don't.  I noticed of my cat too.  It's a sign of caring that you notice the little things.  It means you're paying attention to their needs.  At least that's what I would like to believe...if someone is noticing things about me.  

Sentimental

I love how symbolism gives way to sentiment.  Certain tangible things provide a pleasant memory.  Those memories prove a comfort for us. It's why I'm big on memory boxes. I'm also fascinated by symbolism and how it affects our psyche.  Being sentimental. ..It's a good trait on a person.

Long day

Preparing for holidays.  Getting the place ready.  We'll call it my version of spring cleaning.  Another day. Another blog.

Sometimes goodbye is the only way to better health

So I had a friend reconnection recently.  But it did bring back some memories on how exactly we met.  Sometimes we end up connecting to people through mutual people that you end up saying good bye.  It is a very interesting thing that someone I am friends with exes or friends of ex friends.  In this case, it's an ex of a friend.  I was having an interesting conversation on having to say good bye to people.  I don't like saying goodbye.  But sometimes goodbye is the only way to better health.  And if you ever tell me "get over it...." yeah...sometimes goodbye is the only way to better health.  There were many reasons for goodbye.  But the biggest flag should have been that you disrespected my health. 

Being nervous and feeling safe

We can be nervous.  We can feel that our environment is changing or there is a disruption. But feeling safe and comforted by those we love makes all things right in the world. If my cat could talk.....that's all I gotta say.lol

Writing and blogging is therapy

Talking to a therapist is first and foremost the best way to utilize therapeutic skills.  However, life doesn't always work out that way.  Writing in a journey helps to gait what you are feeling...that moment...that feeling.  It helps you reflect on things.  At least...that's my take on things.  Blogging has been therapy.  Putting my thoughts into the world. I feel like it's yelling into the void...but with a whisper.  What is most extraordinary is that people have read.  I once said that by one person reading it would change me.  Imagine my surprise when it was more than one.  Silent audience.  I thank you.  In a strange way you helped me deal with the ins and outs of my issues.  Toxic friends, relationship issues, inner turmoil with myself, philosophical queries.  Writing like this has been amazing.  I look forward to it everyday of the week.  I take weekends off.  But everyday I look forward to writing something of some substantial.  Or even a silly.  Because let's face it.  Sometimes we need a little silly too.  Perhaps it's this weather making me think of past years.  Where I was during this time.  Yes. Right now. My struggle is a test.  My issues have been in my head.  I'm not saying I won't fail again when I take it.  I'm just saying that I need to stop going crazy in my head.  Here's something to know about me.  I am a happy person.  I am an upbeat person.  But when I have the "blues"...it's like I turn all Eyore

All the sides to a story

There are always three sides to a story.  One side, two side, and the truth.  Your experiences, values, beliefs all play a part in how you interpret certain things in life.  You have to look at all sides to story.  You also have to taken into account the person who this situation is happening to. A conversation today made me really appreciate to remember that.  It's not easy to.  My own opinions can stop me from really understanding a story.  However, I hope that I look at a situation and get the information.  Yes, knowing me there is an emotional element that happens along with the reasoning I am having.  I just want to make sure that not all my decisions are strictly coming from emotional reasoning.  After all, my feelings, rather than the truth will be what drives my decision.  And I have learned that is not a healthy way to live.  Getting a background, finding the information, figuring out what the information means...these all help....to get all the sides of a story.

Reality check

Reality checks don't always have the harshness that one can spin on it.  I got a very beautiful reality check yesterday from a friend.  Sometimes you need that.  Sometimes you need a friend to ground you when you build chaos from your fears and assumptions.  I am lucky to have such a wonderful support system.  They make me a better person.  When a person has your best interest at heart it reminds you that they want you happy.  They want you in a good place.  They want you to be authentic you...whatever form that comes in.  That's a reality check I can live with.

Back to normal...with a new normal

I went back to focusing.  It's something that I have instilled in myself over the years.  You have to press on.  By no means is my new normal leaving Brody behind.  I just have to create this new normal out of my life.  I suppose right now I am quieter.  It did something to me.  It's weird.  I was affected by my friend's passing some months back.  However, because of certain circumstances and perhaps my own status at the time of his death lent me adjust to his absence.  Brody's daily presence and close relationship I had could explain why psychologically it's hitting me harder.  At the same time....I am a hard pressed when it comes to death.  I am deeply affected.  But I also become my own version of stoic.  I have to.  Or I might fall apart.  That's not good for my health.  My physical and mental well being kind of go hand in hand.  My health is a huge priority.  I have been blessed with a wonderful support system.  Each of the crucial players in that support system found a way to connect with me.  I appreciate that.  I find certain comfort in my ways of coping with an unexpected disruption of my normal.  Music, writing, blogging, and friendships all help to keep me grounded or at least stabilize the chaos that runs in my mind.  Jeremy is also a big part of the equation.  I appreciate that I can be myself...whatever part of myself slithers out from time to time.  I am an update person.  I am a jovial and optimistic person...mostly.  I think because of this summer I lost part of that.  I suppose because I am numb to things right now I don't necessarily know the melancholy from the experience.  I lost my spark because of the test. I lost more spark when Brody died.  I want to get that back.  The mere fact I am acknowledging that  might help me to achieve that spark back.  It will be a new spark.  It needs to be.  After all, it's back to normal...with a new normal. 

Adjusting to a different reality

That is the new project.  It's ongoing.  I can't really explain how I'm coping or what I'm doing. It's as if I think of it as it comes.  Tomorrow I shall try to get back to focusing.  Let's see how that goes.

Healing is a process

People have different processes on their journey to healing.  I have experienced an interesting one.  Some parts were beautiful.  Some parts were painful.  Sometimes...they were both.  I am proud of all three of us handling our grief in the most comforting way we can.  We have been there for each other.  Yes. I am even talking about Whiskers.  She misses Brody.  But she still provides me for comfort.  I think that's where she has gotten her comfort and strength.  Jeremy is the link to Brody...not even me.  I am not saying anything against myself.  I just know Brody and Jeremy were close.  I didn't know how close until recently.  Last week was such an emotional week.  It's not like we won't have sad moments.  Trust me...we have quiet moments where Jeremy and I know...we just know...we don't say anything. We don't have to.  There are lots of hugs and I love yous made.  I have wall art that says "Music is what feelings sound like." Another one says, "Where words music speaks".  How true those words are right now.  Music, among other things have been part of my healing process.  Because healing is a process.  It is a journey that looks different for everyone.

Therapy

Today was therapeutic.  Lunch with a supportive friend was great. Whiskers and I have gotten closer.  I can tell she misses him. Then some good therapy tea with another friend.  We talked.  I cried.  And then I met Loki, her cat. It was surreal.  Loki even had some Brody moments.  I am so grateful for the therapeutic healing I got. We get him today. Closure. I will still mourn and grieve. I am still heartbroken.  But I found some closure.

Taking each day as it comes

I am trying to heal.  Sharing my stories has been helpful.  I also found so many pictures that I want to figure out how to save them.  That's kept me busy.  I have so much moral support it's overwhelming.  I'm organizing and adjusting to one cat.  That's a concept that still is foreign to me.  I am just always used to him near me.  Or at least around.  I don't have much for words.  I will bounce back soon enough.  I am just in grief.  But soon I will be able to celebrate him.  Just not too soon.  Thank you for understanding.

Pictures

I'm trying to find all the uploaded pictures of Brody.  The tributes are therapeutic. It will also be good to see a friend for lunch. I've delayed studying for a week. My mindset is not there.  I want to give myself time to mourn.  My seizures seem to have stayed under control.  I've worked at controlling them.  It still has taken a toll on my physical and emotional well being. One day at a time

Project

The day after..... I miss you Brody.  I went for a massage. I wasn't even sure I was going to it.  Leah just let me get my ugly cry out. Then I decided to get a memory box. It was therapeutic.  I also voted. I decided to be strong..  In all my heartbreak and grief I thought. .let's do this.  I even thought ...for you, Brody. That may sound silly. I don't care. I'm going with it.

Heartbroken

Brody, my darling sweet....you passed today.  You were surrounded by love.  You weren't alone. Our memories live on. I am comforted that we had 13 magical years. You were a part of me and then part of a bigger family as a furry Kearney.  Thank you for being beautiful Brody. I love you so much. I kept telling you that. I love you. Mama loves you. My tears will be wrapped with love with all of of the memories I can look back on. Brody, my sweet. .....RIP Brody Kearney

Intentions

Intentions says a lot about a person.  On a day like this I have known people to judge for celebrating, honoring, or even acknowledging this day.  It's got about 3 ways people might look at this day.  Judging someone for that doesn't make you a better Christian.  It's something I never understood.  You don't have to believe as others do.  But respect that they think differently than you is not bad.  In fact, you judging them is in and of itself a sin.  You have propped yourself as the panel of judgement that they are doing bad.  What type of intention is that? I am no one.  I do not boast that I know of any judgement of good or bad.  I sometimes am confused as to what exactly I believe in.  However, I believe that the entity I call God (more male to me at times) or on some days the Universe (more female at times for me) would not want to see me judge someone like that.  Have I never judged someone? I would lying if I said no.  But I do my best not to.  I do my best to put my best foot forward and be open to things.  My feeble attempt at open mindedness helps me to remember that someone could be looking at me and judging me.  I could be judged by my condition.  Where people don't understand or might not be able to understand what happens to me in terms of my condition. Or maybe that I am not defined by the paperwork or mechanics of what my condition does.  I digress.  Intentions are a powerful thing.  I want to be sure my intentions are good.  I can't say pure because I am human. The human condition doesn't always have pure intentions.  But I can live with good.

Mental exhaustion

Sometimes because of studying or intensity of situations I become mentally exhausted.  I'm drained. I'm tired. This affects my condition. Whats interesting is justifying this condition while what I'm also having to justify puts me in that position.  It's a crazy cycle.  On paperwork I can understand questioning me. But it doesn't make me having to justify any easier.  Hence, the feeling of mental exhaustion

Ignorance

We all have it. We all need to learn from it.  We are surrounded by it. We are sometimes blinded by it. Ignorance. ..sighs

What works for you

An interesting conversation made me think about a core idea that I believe in.  What works for you doesn't work for me.  Here's an interesting thing about that as well.  People in general are quick to make assumptions and opinions about other people's lives.  Our different experiences make for us to have different paths.  By asserting an opinion as being honest or blunt is not necessarily helpful.  As a support system for a person you are there to hopefully ground someone.  You are there to bring a voice of reason for decisions.  You don't reap the rewards and suffer the consequences.  By asserting your opinion and how you assert also says a lot about you.  How do you assert that support.  What works for you doesn't work for me.  I have concluded that some will never truly understand that concept.  Their intentions are not malicious.  They mean well.  But they are so far off base that it's truly sad.  It's okay.  What helps is by peeling the layers off someone piece by piece with an open mind and open heart.  That's not an easy task.  Perhaps that openness leads to those feeling insecure of their ideas and values.  It's hard to know, really.  I was forthcoming about my concerns and fears to a friend regarding her decisions.  Yet, I explained that what works for me may not work for her.  And there is an extra variable to that equation.  If you assert any opinion about how someone should change things....make sure you back up with resources or support that they can truly use.  The concept of what works for you make not work for me truly takes on a thoughtful process of why we make decisions and how we make decisions.  It's something to think about when we have our next conversation with a friend or otherwise about their decisions.  What works for you may or may not work for me.

The ones we lose

Maybe the timing is interesting because Day of the Day is coming up. I couldn't tell you.  I thought of my Grandma today but to be honest...she's always at the forefront of my mind.  I have always believed she's been my guardian angel on this journey I am calling life.  I can't give you proof.  I can only give you my faith that she's been there....protecting me.  However, in recent moments I felt a second presence.  My friend Aaron was a complicated individual in life.  It stands to reason he's a complicated individual in death too.  Today as I was organizing some pictures I ran across him.  It stopped me in my tracks.  I didn't know what to feel actually.  It's been some time now (May) where the initial grief has subsided.  I won't lie to you and say I didn't have a very volatile and tumultuous friendship with him.  But I also can't lie and tell you his death didn't shake me to my core.  So death...a blog about death...on a Monday.  What a way to start the day.  My mortality is more on my mind now as I get older.  I've heard that is common.  It might be why I prefer to be around people that support me rather than bring me down.  I don't mind someone's take on me.  I can even deal with constructive criticism of me.  What I also need is support and positive reinforcement of my value to you.  Otherwise, it just feels like you're slinging insults at me.  That starts telling me more about you than really me.  The ones we lose....we start with the memories. If we are lucky we deal with the good...and the bad...and maybe even the ugly.  We deal with it all.  The ones we lose...their memory is not forgotten.  We speak less of them.  Our daily life may not necessarily have their name etched so readily somewhere. But we have still thought of the ones we lose.  Elysium from Gladiator is on.  How appropriate.

G...with a capital G

Being productive sometimes can come with guilt.  With a capital G, that is. You know you have to recharge.  But you also feel guilty when you aren't being productive.  It's a cycle that doesn't seem to break. Guilt. ..w a capital G.

Conversations we have

Whether it's with my husband or one of my best friends ,these conversations  stick with me.  Every once in a while I have a conversation that is outside of my regular circle of people I converse with.  And that's okay! Back to the conversations we have...I thank you for having them with me.  I love that we embark on different subjects. We aren't afraid to discuss whatever.  We speak of nothing...or everything. I understand schedules can't always allow us to have so many of them.  When we do...I cherish it. Know that.

When things fit

When things fit. When things are right. There is a just a right fit.  I've had a Goldilocks moment for things here and there.  I have a good fit with a partner. I have a good fit with a career. I have a good fit with my own life.  Yesterday I had a good fit with massage.  Things align. Things make sense.  It feels good to have that feeling.  It just works.  And just working makes everything right. All is right with the world.

Escape

I received a massage today.  I needed one.  However, I was also helping out a friend with internship hours.  I needed to escape from my own anxiety.  I do my best to keep it together.  On the table it's like every fiber of me just lets go.  I am so relaxed right now.  I've always struggled with my stress level.  I am still trying to learn how to control my anxiety or even how to react to my world around me.  I envy those who know how to let things just slide off them.  But for just a brief moment...massage does that.  I don't think...I just relax. It's my escape. It's an escape from even myself.

Consider the source

I've often told friends that one has to look at the credentials of an insults or criticism before really taking in all the information.  So it was only fair that I took my own "take".  It doesn't minimize the information that was received. After all, there is possible truth to the statement.  All too often people discuss trying to be "honest" with each other.  This is good...sort of.  My take is you want to support people. You want to bring them up.  Even the way you present this "truth" is important.  Are you "helping" the person improve or grow? Or are you simply lashing out or bringing them down? What is the intent of your "truth?" I want to make sure I present myself in the most genuine way.  I'm clumsy. I will fail, so to speak.  I will try again.  But I best think twice on the source.  Otherwise, I will second guess myself.  I do find value in feedback. But I must remember that I reap the rewards or consequences of my actions.  I must remember that while the feedback is invaluable....it isn't the final thought on whom I really am.  That's left me for to convey.  That's an important perspective.

One of those days

I'm not much for talking right now.  Perhaps I'll feel more comfortable writing next week. It's a conflict with positive thinking,  moo, and keeping it on in check

Rock and a hard place

Yesterday had that sort of effect.  They were drilling again.  The guys working on the roof have been kind enough to notify me because I spoke with Van, our president about that.  The first time I left my condo.  However, this time I decided to stick it out but no more studying was to be made upstairs.I can't just leave every time they are drilling.  I prefer not to drive when I feel how I feel when I hear the drilling.  Instead, I went downstairs and put the television on higher volume than usual.  I had forgotten about the check up for the AC unit we had gotten.  A technician was on his way.  Luckily, again I got notification about his arrival.  Still, it left me feeling just a little frazzled inside.  Some days do that where I find myself in a rock and a hard place.  It's funny. I used to handle things differently.  I felt like a gladiator who could handle anything that came her way.  As I am getting older...not so much! lol I hope to get some studying done today.  Today seems like it will be a quiet day.  Here's hoping it is!

Alternate universe

It was a very interesting conversation I was having.  From each decision we make an alternate universe could have a different outcome of how we live.  I must have had that on my mind because I was dreaming that I was a dancer.  It was a beautiful dream.  I was a ballerina.  I also did contemporary dancing.  It's funny how much joy I got from that dream.  There are times that I wished my life would have swayed another way.  One of my childhood dreams was to be a choreographer.  But as life goes we go by different paths.  Things happen I suppose.  Dance makes me happy.  Sometimes when I am alone I dance...because I can.  So you can understand why this dream would bring me to an ethereal feeling.  Alternate universes indeed.

Choosing the right kind of people

That's an important thing whether you are thinking in terms of friendship or relationships.  I chose so unwisely for my relationships.  I look back and I think I sabotaged them.  I haven't had a real relationship since Rickard.  If I had truly thought about these relationships I wouldn't have entered them.  I had more meaningful connection with some of my lovers than my actual boyfriends.  I didn't get close.  I didn't want to.  It's interesting now to be friends with him.  I remember why were such good friends.  It's funny...I don't see him as an ex...even though he is. I see him as the Rickard before we embarked on our romantic journey.  Back to choosing the right kind of people.....I am relieved Jeremy chose me.  He saw something in me.  I wasn't there yet to see it.  I felt like damaged goods.  I didn't feel worthy.  You start believing some of the things your romantic partners tell you.  I mean...you are the common denominator.  I thought about that.  I realized I wasn't suited to be with them.  So I didn't give them the best version of me.  I didn't think about the type of people I was around like I do now.  I didn't do that with friends either.  I only have a handful of friends that really see the vulnerability that I have.  I think about the decisions I put out into the world now.  I am conscious of the kind of life I am trying to have.  That's new.  It's also being the right kind of person for them.  That's a new one too.  I want to the be the right kind of partner for Jeremy.  I want to strive for that always.  I will always want to work on my relationship with Jeremy.  Jeremy isn't my everything but he is my world.  I adore him with every fiber of my being.  I don't put him on a pedestal.  But I do adore him and respect him.  I want to be the right kind of person for Jeremy. I want to be the right kind of friend.  It's important for me to have a positive impact in the world.I hope I do.

When you know

It's those quiet moments that you know.  You know of the person beside you has your back. They support.  They adore you. They love despite you are and because who you are. When you know. ..it makes life that much sweeter.  I never thought I'd experience this. Sometimes it frightens me that someone is this close to me. It frightens me of my vulnerability.  And then I smile because it's Jeremy.  I trust him with my whole being. 

Bubble

Sometimes you need to just give up on the day and go in your bubble.  A near triggered seizure and a broken rib have me just a bit agitated.  Hello weekend.  I've missed you. I need my bubble.

Stranger things

I fractured my left 8th rib...sneezing.  who does that?! It's a floating rib which is a bit of a consolation.  But...fractured? ! I had pumpkin iced coffee to numb the wtf feeling I was having earlier

Connection and disconnection

I have often heard that the internet has disconnected people.  I can understand that angle of thinking.  People don't always have the luxury of face time with other people.  For some, face time can be scary.  That much social interaction with people can be overwhelming.  That's where the internet has become an essential part of our lives.  The way I figure it...it can be good or bad depending on the person.  For instance, I appreciate being able to stay in contact with people aren't here locally.  I have friends that I have crossed paths with and I like being able to participate in their lives still.  I have friends in other states.  More importantly, I have friends in other countries that I have been able to stay connected with. I have mended rifts.  As we age, some of the trivial things that might have bothered us in our youth seem senseless.  Are there people I might not ever see face to face? Yes. Strangely enough...I still feel close to people and suddenly distance doesn't seem to factor in.  So for me...the connection and disconnection doesn't phase me.  I am able to stay in touch with people I want to stay in touch with.  I am able to connect to witnesses to different aspects of my life.  That's important.  It's important to have witnesses to different parts of my life.  It shows the "blueprint" or map to what I have become.  It also shows my progression or in some cases my demise.  It shows how I have evolved into the person you know today.  Imagine really taking that in...Imagine reading, or watching someone's history...that...right there...that...is what fascinates me. Your history...my connection to you. I like that.  You can see why I like stories.  

The dance

There is a dance that whether you are a friend, a family member, or even a significant other you have this dance with that person.  You








































































































































































































There is a dance that you have with different people in your life.  Whether you are romantic or other you find  a dance.  You start learning the ins and outs of this person.  You learn how to "dance" in your relationship.  Sometimes that dance stops.  It's usually because one or both of the people realize that this isn't work.  Any relationship requires work.  I don't mean the type where it is excruciating.  I just mean that any relationship requires that the "dance partners" find a way to exist in the same space and make the existence work for both.  They work together to create "a dance".  I thoughts about gestures yesterday.  People make gestures to make others know that they care.  But what if the gesture is that they don't know how to make a gesture but if you ask...they are happy to do it.  I believe that it is still a gesture.  I am learning that not everyone has this grand creative process.  And that's okay.  We all have different parts to us.  But a gesture...well...the gesture starts that dance.





























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Stories

I am fascinated by stories.  Sometimes they are love stories.  However, it's just the journey of a person, a friendship, a relationship that fascinates me and I love hearing it being shared.  I like how a story unfolds with many layers to it.  It's the beauty of unfolding that story that fascinates me.  Each details leaves me with an image as though I am witness to it.  I am honored by the stories.  I am honored that people share parts of their story with me.  It means they trust me.  It's important that people feel like they can trust me.  I am humbled by that.  I am also humbled by people's belief in me. Sometimes I can't figure what they are seeing. But I am amazed of how much people believe in me.  Is there a story that I don't tell with my words but rather my actions? Stories....That may be something else.  Stories that aren't being told with words but with actions.  It's like a dance...I like the idea of that.  It's like a dance...a story that is being told that you as the audience member can interpret for yourself.  As you can see, I am fascinated by stories.  I don't bore of stories.  Stories are history too.

Reading this

I don't have much to say today.  However, I would never want to not reach my audience...whomever you are.  I learned long ago to not really be privy to that information.  So here I am, writing to you...well a little blindly. I've been more and more aware of you as my audience.  I can't even give you the words of appreciation properly. I am beyond humbled that you take time out of your day to read this.  You read my insights. You read my thoughts. It's like a journey into my diary! This blog has become quite personal. Yet, it's out in plain sight. It's just a matter of someone willing to look for it.  So it means that much that you, my reader whether it's just here and there or on a regular basis that you read this.  Usually, as I blog I have it on Spa Radio.  My thoughts seem so clear when I am on the station.  So I can't say that I have anything creative right now.  I'm a bit lost right now, actually.  My confidence has been a little broken. I'll get it back. I'm just trying to figure a strategy on that.  A strategy on finding a strategy. Now...that's an interesting concept.

Happy people can be sad too

I think sometimes people who have a positive outlook are a little hard on themselves. Sometimes the expectation come from the outside world that can't fathom "positive" people being any other way.  My conversation with a friend really hit on point.  Sometimes the sunshine is a cloudy day.  And you know what? That's okay.  It's part of the human condition.  Perspective still needs to be there.  That's where a support system helps keep things in perspective.  It's okay...to not be okay.  One has to give themselves a moment or two to not be okay.  One can't live there.  Otherwise it is easy to fester in the "depression" or "anger" or any other dark space people reside in.  I resided in a double life sort of way.  Until I allowed myself help I resided and it affected my way of life. Even if I didn't want to admit it.  I wasn't ready for a relationship like Jeremy because I wasn't ready to admit there was anything wrong.  Jeremy's support has been invaluable.  You could say that he saved me.  And maybe by this "leap of faith" of allowing myself to be vulnerable and trust someone...maybe I saved Jeremy.  I love Jeremy. It's obvious.  The true beauty of our love story sometimes is the way he looks at me.  It's the moments that I catch him with that smile of being with his "soul's twin".  Jeremy is a man of few words.   However, when he says something it is often very profound.  So Jeremy confirming our connection by saying, "I'm his soulmate"....That's a whole different vantage point.  And ever so much more meaningful.  If that makes sense.  I don't minimize any feelings I have towards him.  I do, however, give more weight to his feelings.  I can admit that I feel a bit defeated. I am puzzled. I am looking for direction. I cry because I don't know how to process things right now.  And then I chastise myself for crying on something so trivial as a formality...like a test.  Then...the psychologist side of me reminds me that happy people...can be sad too.  It's a battle to keep this balance at times.  My intellectual side, my emotional side, my childlike wonder side, my brazen fearless side....all trying to voice what space I am residing at this time.  In some ways, that is my neurosis.  I understand the manifestations because I created them. And then allowed them to grow and develop.  First, they helped me survive and function in order to continue with life.  Rather than something like rape...*whew* break me I was too stubborn to be a victim.  I have been abused as a wife (my first husband) and then as a girlfriend ( the boyfriend before Jeremy).  I've had a gun pointed at my head (my cousin).  I've survived a drive by (with boyfriend before Jeremy).  I have a developmental disability. I have Epilepsy.  I'm too stubborn to stay sad...but I need to allow myself that.  If i can survive...maybe even thrive after previous said thing...I can survive this.  I just need to remember...happy people can be sad too.  Why did I mention all these things? I have confided things but never really wrote them down.  I supposed typing them made them real.  And maybe I am proud that I try to be a positive impact for other people.  I want to be the right kind of poster child.  Things happen for a reason. I'm confused why.  But here's something to think about and this is why I still have faith in good.  Jeremy and I met through one of my tragedies ( the person).  I would do everything...even that all over again.  So...what am I babbling about? Sometimes writing gives me perspective.  It comes in waves.  But I wrote it down.  I put it out there.  Maybe you can learn something from it.  Maybe you learned happy people can be sad too.  And that's more than okay.

The reason for this

When I started blogging I didn't exactly have a theme for it.  I was merely trying to prove to myself I could follow up and keep one going.  Once I achieved that goal I had to think and ponder what my purpose for my blog was.  After awhile, I realized it was to witness my journey through my words.  This is an insight to me sometimes.  It's personal.  It's private.  It is public enough so that people can read it but not everyone will.  There are a few that do.  I cherish that.  I cherish that someone has taken that time to read my thoughts.  Sometimes I get philosophical.  Other times it's just testimony of insanity or zaniness.  It became my diary as it were.  I do, on occasion forget to post on the same day.  I used to feel terrible for that.  Then I realized there isn't a rule book for this.  So I usually write something small to make up for the day and then write extra long for the current day.  It's a strange OCD I have with it.  We will call it the quirkiness that encompasses Jess.  I am sad I didn't pass...again! I want to run away sometime from shame.  And then I stop myself.  I have a great life.  I have a wall to pass and this silly test is a great big old ugly troll.  I did great in school.  I wasn't this slacker.  Jeremy made a point the other day that stuck with me.  We as humans will find the one thing that isn't working and harp on that.  We forget to acknowledge the other blessings or great things that occupy our life.  That is something I must remind myself.  My health is mostly good.  I have hiccups here and there because of it.  I do have to accommodate for things.  My process for thinking also accommodates.  It's quite interesting, actually.  I do have a developmental disability but I was too stubborn to go to places that might have otherwise labeled me with a disability.  I stuck with mainstream.  I played sports.  For all practical purpose I painted myself as normal.  But there has always been a notice of me being "different"...maybe off..or my personal favorite "weird".  I don't actually get offended with the word weird.  I didn't as a child because I desperately wanted to fit in.  But after awhile I accepted my fate and then customized the weirdness! So here I am...Hello :) I hope when you read this you are smiling..maybe even having a little chuckle agreeing that I am a little out there.  I am perfectly happy with that.  It's only when it turns to mock that I pity that you don't know the beautiful mess I can really be.  I can't say that I am a complete angel of things or that I don't have my moments where harmony is just not in my vocabulary.  However, I'd like to think I live my life trying to be a positive impact.  I hope I am that for you.  Until next time....Thank you, silent friend.  I don't know who reads this.  Quite frankly, I don't need to know.  All I need to know is that I made an impact on you.

Day late day distracted

This is yesterday's entry. It happens.  Life happens. It's good being distracted.  It's good having friends that distract you

Don't stop believing

I kinda need that phrase right now.  I still believe.  My dream is just right there.  This is the test to pass through.  It's the most difficult.  I feel defeated right now.  I feel like all my hard work, sweat, tears, and blood just didn't go anywhere.  I haven't given up.  I have perspective still.  But I can't lie.  Behind the smile...behind my laugh...I feel defeated...and confused.  I am puzzled by all this.  I guess that's normal.  So here I am...starting over again....again...It's not like I haven't had the doubt of my intelligence before.  But one formality does not determine my intelligence.  And good thing I know that.  I usually have some philosophical thing going.  Today...Sadly, I do not.  I won't give up....I won't. But I need a vacation from all this.  I want a vacation from my own thoughts.  Because sometimes it's those thoughts that get me trouble.  Not any crazy thoughts like harming myself...no no no no. But I feel lost.  I feel a sense of my self confidence gone.  I'm not sure how to get it back.  So...maybe I will bring into song....Don't stop believing...

Some days

Some days wine is the answer. Some days you don't have inspiration.  Some days you can easily find the negative.  Some days you need a good cry. Some days you just don't want to keep up the energy tp be a "gladiator" of your hopes and dreams. It's ok. Cry...Get the toxins out. Because some days you'll find out you're too stubborn for your own good.And get up...and start again.  Dreams don't come easy. That's why you fight for them

The purpose

Sometimes we look for our purpose in life.  It's like searching for a secret and you don't know where to find the first clue for the map.  You search and search.  Sometimes you find it and then lose the keys or worse...overlook the keys that are front of you.  But if you are lucky enough to find your purpose....do it with passion...and purpose.  I want to throw myself into massage therapy.  I'm so happy in my life with Jeremy...I somehow want to spread my joy through "healing hands."  Sounds crazy, right? You might say that.  But maybe just maybe there is a method to my madness.  Maybe I make sense.  I am happy.  My positive energy can impact people. My "healing hands" can help others.  Maybe just maybe I can help the world...one massage at a time.  I'd like to think that's possible.  It's crazy but when have I not had crazy ideas? I love thinking outside the box.  Outside the box was invented for people like me.

Your groove

Sometimes when you don't feel good physically your whole mood can go south mentally and emotionally.  At least for me that was what yesterday was all about.  I went to give blood.  I came home and I felt the world just spinning.  Thank goodness I was home.  I tried to study but it was pointless.  I wasn't happy with my scores and I became more frustrated.  Of course, I am stubborn and relentless and the cycle was just ugly.  I know I know...first world problems.  But luckily I had a friend who understand my neurosis.  She too has had that issue.  I didn't feel so crazy anymore.  Today, however, went better.  I don't know what will happen Friday.  I have no control.  The universe knows what cards will be played.  I just gotta roll with it.  I pass I pass. I don't. It's not the end of the world...I just start again.  But I have been studying so much so it would be nice.  In any case I think my groove came back.  I heard a song today that made it better.  When Aaron passed away there were a couple of songs that made me smile or feel better.  The lyrics I weren't necessarily attached to.  The timing of when they would come on...yes.  I can't tell you how I understand that the universe was smiling...but somehow yesterday seemed like a blur.  I needed something to just push me to feel better.  I know it may sound silly but it's those silly things within in us that frustrate us.  It's nice to have things and people that help us get back to our groove.  Your groove keeps things going.  It's that energy...that unexplained motivation that helps you along with life.  Jess got her groove back :)

Adventures

I don't necessarily expect some of you to understand the transition that is happening to me.  You have known to be one way.  It seems like a 180.  It is...sort of. And then it's not.  I was like this once...two lifetimes ago. It's a process that I wasn't expecting and quite frankly, I don't exactly know if the process will continue, render itself finished, or  what exactly direction it is supposed to take.  It's like the old me is trying to submerge from the inner most part of my soul.  The difference is I'm an adult.  So this child like wonder comes with a sense of realistic expectations.  It's a marriage of realism and wonder..hope maybe? I'm not really sure myself. I'm okay with that.  I'll see where this journey takes me.  Adventures don't always have to be these grand activities that happen.  Sometimes adventures are journeys I take within myself.  So...I'm off into the world to continue my adventure.

Trust

What a fragile thing trust is.  Whether in friendship, family, or romantic aspects we look for this trust in our relationships.  We rely on the trust between those we care.  When it is betrayed there is a hole in one's heart and truthfully in some ways, it feels the soul too.  Your core feels pierced like a dagger of pain that you can't describe. Your core feels penetrated where trust once stood.  When this trust is betrayed there are so many questions that are now in place.  Some stated...and others not so stated...for we may not be able to answer a question we don't know to ask yet.  This trust with which we hold dear penetrates you to your most innermost moments of truths and creates a vulnerability.    The one with the guarded secrets that we hold so tightly.  They are secrets of whom we really are and what we stand for.  We guard this invisible box of our core because if we have had the unfortunate experience of being betrayed we must hide our heart and soul like a princess trapped in her own kingdom.  When we are betrayed there is a beauty within that pain that arises.  We see the beautiful creature of healing.  We feel a sense of right again.  We become whole again...or at least a piece of us returns.  It's different for everyone.  But if you have been betrayed there is hope.  There is hope that someone will find your heart and mend it.  They will show you that love has two sides to a story.  And so does hate.  And never is somewhat of a unicorn...A myth of which we cannot confirm nor deny.  We simply do not know.  Hope can be magic.  Hope can also render us vulnerable and perhaps hurt us.  But I will live in the land of the Unicorn.  I will live where hope still exists.  If I don't, I have no purpose to hope.  Hope reminds me that there is something or sometimes someone to look forward to.  I once had no reason to trust again. I've had my dark story.  My lifetime movie and book are waiting to be put into words someday...somewhere.  But I'm to stubborn to stop believing. And I'm glad I didn't.  Because I wake up to such a different life than maybe 10 years ago.  And I wake up to him.  My dream come true.  My world.  My answer to hope.  I was worth it.  It was a prayer that I didn't know I asked.  But there it was...I was worth it.  And the best part. My dream grew from magic into trust.  This intangible became tangible.  This prayer became a person.  This hope became my reality.  So sometimes besides positive energy I like putting into the world...I like putting hope back...and most of all....trust.

Sending out into the void

or simply yelling into the void.  It feels good to get out any negative feels.  It's in part why I started this blog.  I remember as a young adult being more consistent with a diary.  And then I saw a show (Doggie Howser!) that prompted to entertain the thought.  "Instead of writing my thoughts I typed them." It would still be a diary, so to speak.  However, as much good intentions I had for some type of computer diary I didn't keep it up.  It wasn't until I got inspired my a friend who blogs that I actually found something that I could stay consistent with.  I was motivated to write this time.  The blog provided me a way to "bring philosophy" to what seemed like ordinary writing.  I am humbled when one just reads the blog.  Perhaps I made someone think that day.  Maybe I helped them start a conversation.  Who knows? And the beauty is I don't need to know.  It's not to see comments.  It's to know I matter. It's to know my thoughts matter.  And so...this blog is an extension of my thoughts sometimes.  Most of the time I write to some "Spa" music.  I am at the most peace when listening to it. Spa music slows the racing thoughts.  I continue to thank you for even reading this. Whether it's once a week or every day..it matters none to me.  It matters that my thoughts matter to you.  If you ever get a chance to start a blog...you won't regret it.  It was a life changer for me.  It sounds silly.  However, that is the rawness of truth.  Many of the transformations I made in the last few years came from documenting aspects of my life.

Fear is a four letter word

I am watching the series on Roosevelts. It's quite extraordinary.  Once again I got to hear and see one of FDR's most captivating words. " The only thing we have to fear...is fear itsel".    In some ways that statement makes absolutely no sense.  And yet...as you can break it down into an abstract dimension of the statement you can recognize that fear...is a four letter word. Fear stops us from the real work.  Fear becomes the monster inside of us that is trapped.  Fear can manifest into uglier things.  Fear stops us from understanding and appreciating the more beautiful things in life.  Fear is the enemy by which negative energy feeds on.  But fear is conniving.  We succumb to the idea we are less strong or less anything from this fear.  When we can name our fears...when we can recognize the core of our fear and learn to utilize it for good...to learn how to cope and overcome the fear...We have beaten fear,  And even when we don't..for that moment because of our human tendency to be well...human...we still have beaten fear.  Because we have support.  We have people that believe we can over come this fear.  They have "faith" that we are more than this fear.  We are a person.  We are not a product of the fear.  We are merely different sides of what fear can possess.  We all have different thresholds to what can become of us when adversity is upon us.  It doesn't make us less or more than anyone.  It just makes us different.  What words of wisdom.  And that's another soulful and beautiful thing.  Words makes fear...fear.  Words can influence ideas. Ideas can become beliefs.  Words can change the world.  That demon that resides in fear...is almost always there.  I can't imagine anyone not having some type of inner struggle of any kind.  Not even the rich are free from some type of shackle of fear.  But what you do with that fear determines what kind of person you can be.  So it's okay to fear.  But don't let fear become a four letter word you avoid.  Let fear become the four letter word you confront.  Fear...You fear.. You don't have me.

Feeling like a wreck

I almost don't even want to blog.  But I got to.  I feel like a train wreck.  My sleep is off.  I'm agitated.  I need sleep. I said yes to something I shouldn't have but somehow that recklessness is part of that delioriousness.  Thanks for letting me rant.

Drained

Some days you just feel the drain. It's hard to explain what is draining without explaining.  Which I feel bad but other people are to be considered.  So thank you for reading.  Thank you for the positive energy.  I appreciate you just being there. Time to focus tomorrow.  Back to cave dwelling again.

Ackward

Seeing it on television gives me a new appreciation to not be anywhere near the entertainment industry.  The currency of fame does not hold its glitter.  But I smile that just for a moment you fumbled. ..like the rest of us. Only yours is public.  I don't envy that

Tangent...

It's a little disturbing to think about death while you're still alive. It has a morbid sense to it.  But there it is.  I am thinking of my death. Not because I know it's coming or not. Maybe because I don't know and I am taking the time to think about it.  The question is what legacy do I want to leave? All these years and I want Dreams by cranberries to still play at my funeral.  That's strange.  I hope I remembered for my heart. I want to be remembered by my kindness.  Somewhere I want you to find my words...my poetry.  This is a strange thing but when I left high school there was a yearly magazine the Literary magazine was put out.  I ended being submitted through my art work.  I was honored and flattered. But I would have wanted my poetry.  It's my funeral. Pick a poem...or two.   Am I selfish? Yes, I want you to cry. But then I want you to laugh.  Wear dark red, if possible.  I love Burgandy.  I do want to be remembered. I feel like I will have contributed to something through my legacy.  I want to be missed.  I want to have mattered.  I have morbid sense of humor.  I guess a conversation inspired me to go off on a tangent..thinking about my death.  I promise you. I am okay.  This is the crazy inner workings of Jess.  I think of the strangest things.

Two lifetimes ago

It's an extraordinary thing what a last will make you feel.  I was still Ortiz 13 years ago.  I was engaged to be married to Woody Moser.  I woke up to my Dad calling me asking if I had seen the news.  It was barely after 9.  I rushed to the living room and my grandma whom I had stayed with overnight had the television already on.  I think I was watching a loop but it could have been one of the airplanes had crashed into one of the towers.  It was such a disturbing scene. But I forced myself to watch. Somehow I wanted New Yorkers to not be alone.  So this horror was a horror others would see.  And then I also so because I realized most of those people might not get out.  At the time I didn't think of the Towers collapsing.  I thought of the people not being able to escape.  It's interesting how you don't think about things until after the fact.  There are stories that emerged from all this tragedy.  So it seems like two lifetimes ago...really.  WE didn't forget you.  WE won't.

Takedown

I used to wonder why some people just don't watch the news.  And now I've become one of them.  I read headlines and look into so that I stay afloat on certain news.  But others...I notice it is such a takedown culture.  Who knew I would be quoting Taylor Swift.  Even she did a takedown.  That old saying...if you have nothing nice to say...don't say anything at all.  I don't like twitter for that reason.  Not that Facebook doesn't have that feature of mean moments.  But I remove myself from it right away. I learned not to read comments on things.  My own, yes.  I have friends that tease and perhaps have a mock moment here and there. But their's is out caring for the quirky person that is me.  Don't get me wrong.  I'm no angel.  But I'm willing to say things to you in front of your face.  I'm the kind of friend that will stab you in the front. lol Why are we so quick to judge and then make worse by humiliation? This humiliation is the biggest takedown feeling for me.  I have judged at times.  There was a guy at starbucks that had blue (not manly blue..sky blue) and zebra shoes.  While I never approached him regarding his fashion sense I would have told him. But I wouldn't have humiliated him.  That would have been cruel of me. Just giving you an example of me not being an angel.   Cruel...that is what I noticed sometimes we are as a society...cruel.  I love it when I hear a story that restores my faith in society.  Not all of it is bad out there. You just gotta look for it. I am and always be a big believer of looking for a positive out of a negative...no matter how negative it is.

He's my Monet

I was really excited to view the Impressionist collection. I lose myself in museums.  It's as if life stands still and I go into my very own version of the Mary Poppins pop up world.  It's all very whimsical, really.  Monet has been a progression of appreciation for me.  I haven't always appreciated his work.  In fact, for a good part of my youth...I didn't understand him.  It wasn't until I got older did I understand the genius of what he was doing for the artworld.  But what do I mean by he's my Monet.  Water lillies is one of my favorite if my not my favorite painting.  Something about the colors and the vision of this serene pond calls to me.  I suddenly feel the art. I suddenly can visualize the music that would be Monet. It's all hard to explain.  But there I am.  I took a moment and viewed it today before I left.  It is so surreal to imagine that in my life lifetime...I'd see it in person.  It's like a list I have. Jeremy doesn't see it as a bucket list.  So I am apt to call it Adventure wish list.  And one of those things was that painting.  I think going to the Louvre would be another one.  But I've got Ireland in front of me first.  Back to Jeremy as My Monet.  I watch him sometimes amazed.  The novelty hasn't worn out.  I am still utterly crazy about this man.  He was like the Monet once.  Artwork that I only wished I had the chance to be "present" with but never knew that I would be this close.  I admire Jeremy. I admire his mind. I admire his wit.  Jeremy and our connection is art to me.  It's funny how art imitates life gets thrown around a lot.  However, today I really took in that meaning as I walked through the collection.  Life creates such masterpieces that you sometimes see through poetry, art, film, and such.  And then there are masterpieces you never really imagine as art.  The bond between friends. The bond between parent and child...young or older.  The bond between lovers.  The bond between spouses.  The bond within yourself.  All these bring the magic of connecting with the world.  That magic...that special feeling of looking at a painting...reminds me that HE is my MONET.

An old chapter with a new outfit

This past weekend was really nice.  I had a great weekend all around.  I spent time with my friends Leah and Jared.  Then I got to spend time with my Best Friend, Amanda V.  It had been a while since we had gotten together for coffee.  It felt good to get back into it.  Sometimes I need a nudge to get out of my tunnel vision I am with this MBLEX.  And then I went to church on Sunday with Heidi.  And that was interesting.  I felt like I was meeting up with my ex or something.  I felt familiar but I was at a different stage in my life.  It felt good but also a little awkward.  It felt like that because it had been a while since I had gone to a Catholic Church with anyone but my family.  Even Leticia is considered family so it doesn't quite count.  And I usually went for her sake, not mine.  It just made me think.  I once had that faith.  I once had that no questions asked faith.  And then things happened.  I have come back.  Sometimes I come jaded.  But mostly I come back trying to figure out my journey with my spirituality.  I am not religious anymore.  In fact, God denotes He sometimes so much that I have started calling God..Universe...because He is She to me.  That is something different in my adulthood.  Growing up I wouldn't even consider anything but He.  I do need to question in order to bring myself back to the faith.  I have to want to do something not forced to do it.  And going to church was the first step.  Heidi has been so supportive.  She has no judgement on my journey.  She is happy just to help me along.  I am so lucky to have such wonderful friends.  I cherish Amanda for telling me like it is...even if something it seems harsh.  She loves me enough to tell me.  I love the bond that Leah and I share.  We have so much in common.  I cherish Amanda Roberts. We have had such a journey to get to where we are today.  I cherish Heidi.  I didn't expect that two people with what seemed like different paths in life could actually have more things in common.  I hadn't realized that Drama Drain (she doesn't even have a name when I am writing) took so much energy out of me.  It's like my energy balance was off.  I feel protected...if that makes sense.  I feel appreciated.  And in order to help myself with my health I do need to think about my mental well being.  I sometimes allowed myself the idea that wanting support was a selfish thing.  And here it comes naturally to these women.  They all have different ways to express it.  And it doesn't have to be in the same amount.  It's what we can give to each other.  So this old chapter with a new outfit.  I am trying it on.  I want to see what this journey brings.  Universe, it's all yours.  I look forward to this journey.

The story

As usual I had a great conversation with Jeremy.  We touched upon a few topics. I got a better understanding of things even with my own husband.  I like finding out things I either wasn't aware of or somehow discovered. Perhaps being clearer about things helps me to understand people better.  We were talking about stories.  And the idea of pain comparing? It was going back to a previous conversation we had.  And at the time I was more emotionally invested in my view of pain.  I stepped back yesterday and recognized  that everyone has a story.  I don't know the story.  So I don't necessarily know the pain.  It was eye opening.  I also told him about stress.  I got to a point where I can't control what things happen. And by worrying them I don't help my situation. Granted, it is easier said than done.  However, it helped to send my anxiety and worry elsewhere.  As one of my friends said..."It's freeing." Going back to the story....unfolding someone's story is beautiful and profound.  You learn so much about a person.  You even appreciate the ins and outs of the individual.  Sometimes it's even the smallest things from my loved ones that make me smile.  I relish in their positive energy.  I feed off their positive energy, their support, and their unwavering acceptance. It feels good.  Another conversation also touched about that support.  It is essential that people have that unwavering support.  Even if you disagree with someone's thoughts, values, decisions..and such....the unwavering support of just being there makes for an extraordinary gift.

Cavedwelling

It's been an interesting process becoming more of a hermit.  I no longer go to school and I am just studying for the MBLEX.  My days are quiet. I do chores. I do visit with friends to break up the cave dwelling pattern.  I have gotten used to it. In fact, I think I relish in the idea of being my own company.  I think it offers me a chance to make my own adventures.  I like company. I love it especially if it's my girls or Jeremy.  But something has changed.  I went to the museum by myself and I loved it.  I loved the experience of taking in the moment...by myself. I don't know if that makes any sense.  All I know is that this is a new experience.  I thrived on social interaction.  I still have it here and there.  But it's either on Facebook or a one on one interaction.  And I used to think too much time by myself might get me thinking too seriously.  And sometimes I do. But it got me thinking of my life, my experiences, my dreams...and so much more.  It got me going back like an index holder and flashing back to certain parts of my life...the good...the bad...and the very very messy.  They defined me.  I don't regret them.  Even the dark ones that have molded certain aspects of my psyche and my health.  I don't regret that it molded me into the person I am today.  And when I look at Jeremy...I know...that's who he fell in love with. That beautiful mess of a soul...the crazy silly stubbornly optimistic side to me.  The one that tries to see every positive in a negative.  Yup. That one.  Until next time for inspiration.  I quite enjoy blogging now.  I like knowing that someone reads this.  I like knowing that maybe my experiences or thoughts make you thinking of something...or even better inspire you.

The Universe

A beautiful conversation with a friend really struck a chord with me.  I was discussing how I've let this worry take over me.  This anxiety has played head games with me.  I've had a few meaningful conversations about this "anxiety" thing.  Whether it's losing my "mojo" or losing my footing....somehow the rest of things weren't falling into place.  And then I sort of left all my worry out into the Universe.  I got tired of worrying.  It can be emotionally exhausting worrying.  Today I improved more on my test.   I was calm.  I just went in...and did it.  And somehow my head felt cleared up.  My mind wasn't racing. My anxiety was just a whimper.  Whatever this is or was I feel like I took control of it.  And I am trying to keep that momentum.  So far..so good :)

Advocating

Yesterday was a most interesting day.  While I was at friend's open house shindig...Yes I really did just write shindig....moving on.  While I was at my friend's shindig I met a new friend.  It's funny how people enter your life or vice versa.  I was so happy to shed light on anything regarding my condition.  Although I am not an official advocate, I'd like to think that I help others understand Epilepsy and subsequently seizures just a little bit more.  I don't like it defining.  I don't really one thing or the other to define me.  I have had some interesting adventures in my life.  They are not all good.  But I don't regret them.  I wouldn't be me without those moments.  Back to advocating. I like being able to shed light on the different things that occur for someone with my condition.  First and foremost I have to figure if I am okay to drive.  It seems so simple but there are times I wake up dizzy or my head feels fuzzy. That's my tell tale sign it's not a driving kind of day. I have a great support system regarding that.  So chances are if I really need to get to point B....I've got it.  I sometimes have to remind myself to take my medicine. That sounds silly but my memory gets a little hazy.  I don't know if it's my age or something else but I work harder to remember things.  It gets frustrating.  I play it off that I'm forgetful or being spastic but it's a distraction really. I want to deter people away from questioning the condition.  It's odd. I am old enough to know that my friends accept me for me.  But I still have self conscious moments where I am scared of how people will react to anything with Epilepsy.  I am also very stubborn about help in terms of disability.  I probably have been eligible but because I have waited so long to register for disability it isn't very credible to my cause to access disability.  And I suppose for what it is worth I am doing much better and function much better than others.  Like Autism has a spectrum range I believe Epilepsy also has a spectrum range.  Furthermore, I believe I am on the higher range for that spectrum.  I still am able to drive and that is a huge thing.  So...it just got me thinking of how I live.  I don't have to have help getting dressed.  I have trouble only when I have had an episode.  And usually I just move slower than usual. Sleeping seems to help most of my issues.  I don't always feel like I get satisfactory sleep.  I have to really be careful of my stress levels.  It's small thing.  But I do have to think about them.  I can't take things for granted.  As I am getting older I have to be more aware of things that could trigger me.  That way I can still live my life.  And that makes me happy.

Holiday blog

Today has been a good day I went to an open house for my friend's massage therapy business.  Then onto hobby lobby to change the print out in the living room. And now Whiskers is perched on me. Ah....I feel good

Experiences

You always gotta be ready for experiences and adventures. You gotta be open ro them. You can learn from them. You can build a virtual hook in your head or a mental handbook that provides these lessons learned.

A sign

I had a great  conversation with a close friend yesterday.  I felt like I was in a funk.  Like this dark cloud was over me.  I was getting anxious all the time.  It was very unsettling.  Our great chat brought me possibly closer to an answer.  At least I may have found out the problem. And that's half the battle. How cliche. But so true.  I have lost my mojo.  I have lost that confidence I usually have.  And my usual ways to bring back the magic wasn't working.  And that was making it more unsettling. Hence, the anxiety ensues.  This talked really helped.  And this morning the hug that is magical...well...it was magical again.  I slept decent.  I didn't wake up anxious.  And then there it was...the dime.  It was the sign I didn't know I needed to see.  For those that don't know I was extremely close to my maternal grandma.  I actually held her hand while she passed away.  Before she passed she told me she would still say hi to me...just to make sure I was ok.  And that sign would be one single dime.  Seeing a dime (and the timing of it sometimes!) does something for me.  You don't have to believe.  This is one little thing that I don't sway from.  I believe she is still somewhere where she can see me and see my pain or struggle.  And that dime is a way to "calm, check, or simply say hi".  So here's to getting my mojo back.   I hope this journey shows me what and how to react when it isn't there.  Perhaps that is the lesson to be learned here.

Not having all the answers

Oh how I so don't have all the answers.  Anyone who thinks I do hasn't seen..well this.  This mess I am letting out right now.  It's almost amusing if it wasn't me feeling this.  I mean..really I would be saying "First World problems".  Actually, I think I will say that to myself.  My only consolation is that it means something to me so hey...Sleep eludes me sometimes.  I wake up and I feel like I haven't slept that much.  I almost made it not waking up at all.  I had a day where I didn't feel it and bam...it was back.  Is it a cloud? Is this what depression looks like? I'm confused if it is because I really don't have anything to be depressed about.  It seems more like anxiety.  It just explodes inside.  And then the 100 thoughts a minute happens.  And it becomes all too much for me.  Especially because right now all I want to focus is the test.  And then there's that.  When I walk away from it I still think about the answers...So am I really resting my brain.  And then I ponder things.  Like have I turned into this so called "negative nancy?" Or is it more Eyore(depressed donkey)? Again...I don't know what the hell this is.  It started small and just sort of grew....like a fungus.  It's exploded on me and I don't really sure how to stop or what to do with it.  Maybe this is just f*cked up version of a chemical imbalance.  I'm crazy, aren't I? I mean...usually it's the good kind.  But this is what crazy feels like..doesn't it?

Working on it

Ok. So...I'm trying to mentally prepare myself for this test. It's just a test. I'm taking simulation tests. I haven't gotten past a 74. I'm frustrated.  I am working on fighting mentally and focusing.  I'm doing that because last time I had the deer and headlights feel. I'm really fighting it. Because it is easy enough to get sucked in. So...here I am... working on it

If it works for you, it might not work for me

I had a a couple of great conversations regarding this topic.  We all have a different way of conducting ourselves.  Why is that we impose our beliefs, values, thought process, mindsets on each other.  What possesses us to "thrust" our way of life onto others.  I like different opinions.  In fact, I think it's enlightening to have people expose me to different perspectives.  I think differently. I have a hard time even putting a label on what type of person I am.  Liberal seems to to be the only accurate description.  But even liberal seems to have negative connotation.  I just try to see at what's fair and balanced.  My religion or spiritual pathway is my business.  My body is my own.  My marriage is between my husband and I.  My parenting skills is between 3 other people.  These are just examples I can think of where opposition on how I think might come up.  I don't apologize for it.  I don't want to seem confrontational about it.  I just want to be myself.  People will always oppose.  That's not a new.  I wish it was more harmonious of the approach but that's not reality.  At least I still have a good grip on reality on know that isn't something to expect.  These conversations included not pressuring one another on how one thinks.  The other was communicating that thought in an approach that was less hostile.  That hostility can grow into some negative energy.  And it isn't healthy for that energy to stay.  But you could say...it works for you...it doesn't work for me.  And I can respect that.  I just won't seek your presence.

Productive and non productive

I took simulation tests.  Then I was happily called away to distract myself.  Interestingly enough,   it was still MBLEX related.  So even my down time was productive.  Go me!

The way my brain is wired

I am fascinated about how people are wired.  I know from my own experience that I am wired differently. I learn differently. I process information differently.  My problem solving skills seem to be "out of the box". But then I find myself at a standstill.  My brain gets to a point that I need to give it a break.  And yet sometimes I really don't want to do that.  It becomes very conflicted.  Sometimes it's entertaining to listen to myself talk and figure out the next move.  Because on one hand the very responsible and driven side of me wants to keep going.  It will keep going until I perhaps, would collapse.  The more realistic and even carefree side to me thinks it needs breaks in order to " nurture" the entire part of me including the driven side.  Maybe that is why I gravitate towards intelligence.  I want to be a sponge.  I want to keep learning.  I am not quite sure what made me a saposexual.  I am stimulated by intelligent coversation. However, there isn't a transference.  I don't become aroused or stimulated by the person...just the conversation. Unless it's Jeremy.  Then that's a whole different beast.  I could listen to that man for hours.  I am fascinated by his brain.  It's a very interesting attraction.  One I am still trying to figure out

The power of positivity

So the last couple of days have had me in a funk.  I think I needed to straighten out and clear my head.  The lack of sleep probably didn't help my mood.  But it is important to stay positive.  It's not as easy as it sounds.  There is work to staying positive.  Honestly, it's easy to allow yourself to be swallowed by all the negativity around you.  However, I'm crazy and stubborn and I refuse to give up.  And so I stay positive.  I have to allow myself moments that I am not super human.  I too will have my self-doubt moments. I too will have allow the negativity to group in.  I just need to remind myself to not be overwhelmed by it and get "devoured" by the idea of it.  Sometimes I am my worst critic.  I create a feedfest for my own demons, if that makes sense.  They are there.  But I manage them.  And then something triggers or happens and I I have to confront.  And I have a choice at that moment on which direction I want to go.  I often pick correctly, thank goodness.  I guess the last couple of days I wasn't picking correctly.  To tell you the truth I felt out of alignment, so to speak.  Something just didn't feel right.  I was lucky enough to have a handful of conversations that kept me afloat.  I love conversations like that.  They sustain or even sometimes "throw a life raft" towards me.  I love blogging now.  I find such peace in it.  I let my feelings out. It's almost as if I let it go into the void and by doing that I release the negative energy.  It's a rather strange process and reasoning. But it makes sense to me.  And really...that's what matters regarding my positive attitude.  I also myself by surrounding myself with music that just calms.  I go to a place. I can't even describe. I just go to a place and clear my mind when I hear calming music.  Like right now.  It just puts things back in its proper place? The world is right again.

Something about sleep

I can't keep my eyes open. When my thoughts can't shut down I'm grateful that I can sleep it off. My condition goes through phases. Like bad sleep cycle phases. I'm going to allow myself tgat nothing might happen today. I don't feel so good.

The art of blogging

The art of blogging is wonderful.  I like writing down my thoughts.  It's nice when it's a feeling of content and writing down is a nice way of being grateful.  However, when I feel a sense of anxiety...like I do right now it's nice to find myself a coping mechanism or a tool to get myself back together.  My anxiety has popped more often these days because of the re registration.  I know what to expect in certain aspects.  But really..it's like starting all over for me.  Sometimes even the simulation tests get me nervous.  I wish I could figure out a way to calm myself down.  Eventually, I talk myself down and remind myself of my skills and what I have achieved.  I allow myself to feel scared but I can't stay there.  I bring my self confidence back up.  I just wish I didn't have to go there at all.  I am not comfortable praying about things like a test.  I don't mind praying about strength.  Blogging helps to clear my mind of things.  I had to make a stopping point.  I think it was all getting overwhelming. And imagine. This is just the simulation.  Where is this coming from? I mean I know that this is overwhelming in general. But where is this fear coming from? Fear of failure. Do I not have confidence in myself.  I really don't know.  That is where the art of blogging helps. I can express my fears and write them down. And perhaps to address the issue.

Lost in thoughts

I'm lost in my thoughts.  It's like any other day. I'm studying.  I'm spending time with friends.  I got to squeeze in some Leticia time. But my thoughts come with questions with no answers.  I can't make sense of something that doesn't make sense. I'm lost in my thoughts

Poetry in motion

Is it possible to have love at first sight.  Lust, sure. Even Jeremy and I didn't experience that. And does it last? What is it that justifies Love at first sight. I'm a romantic.  But maybe I'm realistic.  I don't know. Greeting card fun lol. The things that I see and start talking about

The journey I'm on

If I never write a book it helps that this blog documents and accounts for the journey I am on.  This journey I have been on has been quite a ride.  Like any good story the protagonist finds themselves in the middle of some journey or thing to overcome.  19 always seems to be that turning point.  It was interesting that I heard a clip about Post Traumatic Stress.  It got me thinking about how yes, I had Epilepsy when I was younger but I had a different kind.  Partial-Complex Seizures often manifest from a traumatic event.  I suppose understanding better my "triggers" and what connections my psyche plays on the rest of my body.  I didn't think stress played a huge part since I've been quite stressful situations.  But I look back and think about it all.  This journey that I walk is not an easy one.  I don't want to pat myself on the back.  I don't want to complain.  I just want to share that it is a struggle at times.  Maybe that's why I like blogging. It's a way of documenting my journey.  It's a diary of sorts.  I share my feelings.  I share my thoughts.  I share my fears and joys.  I try not to hold back.  Whether one looks at this or more I am happy.  I'm sharing my world.  Which is an interesting aspect to me.  Very few get to see the genuine person that I am.  I actually have a timid side to things. That surprises and shocks people for the flamboyant persona I have.  It's not a facade.  But through my post traumatic stress I created different sides to me to cope.  And who you see is that no holds barred part of me.  She's fearless.  I envy her at times.  I don't know how I can be that fearless.  And yet that sounds strange because it is me.  And then there is that other side to me.  The deep,intellectual with the twisted sense of humor.  I've let her come out more often.  That's been Jess all along. I've just been afraid to show her.  And then Squirly.  The idealistic hopelessly optimistic person that refuses to give up on the world.  It can be quite a fight to figure out my feelings.  Coping mechanisms helped me to function.  But now being older I can let my manifestations just be authentic me.  I don't need to apologize for who I am anymore.  And that is such a freedom I can't even begin to explain how incredible that feels.  I don't know where this blog entry was supposed to go. But then again..this is the journey I'm on

It gets you thinking

It got me thinking...suicide.  While Robin Williams may be a celebrity it hits home because many view him as an icon.  Bigger than life.  So imagine learning how torn he was inside.  All the questions you want to ask...but may never get answers.  Because of my recent loss regarding a friend who committed suicide it brought back things.  Again...questions that really can't be answered.  Inner demons can get the best of you.  I haven't had that dark of a cloud since I was 10 years old.  I had a blip of something when I was 22 but I was mature enough to recognize I needed to remove myself out of the situation for having such a dark thought.  No...10 years old those dark clouds were there.  And while I survived my dark cloud I hadn't really dealt with those demons.  It would take years to deal with them.  Thanks to the love and support of Jeremy I learned to move past the demons.  I am a positive person. I like to surround myself and be the positive energy that people need.  So it means working on my inner demons on a daily basis.  Most of the time they know how to behave.  "Triggers" that I don't know that exist are what get me in trouble. "Triggers" that I do know exist help me to control them.  Something like rape...geez I finally wrote the word somewhere.  Back to my point. Something like rape can change your world.  Your view about, trust, psyche..just a lot of mental and emotional damage.  You become a prisoner of your own emotions sometimes.  But that's what I have learned. It doesn't define me.  Bad things don't define whom I am as a person.  I have a strong threshold.  So suicide wasn't an option.  But I get the helplessness that depression can bring.  That dark cloud gets a hold of you.  People can have an opinion about suicide..it's a choice...they are selfish.  You don't know the person. you don't know the story.  I loved a saying one of my dear friends, Heidi, said. It's not bad or good.  It's just different.  And different is good.  Different is what we need.  Different is...beautiful.  Different is grey.  My world is different.  My epilepsy puts a different spin on how I live my life.  So I put a different spin on my life.