Thursday, March 31, 2016

There's a method


There's a method to my madness, so to speak.  I requested Jeremy to take off that day for the run through of the repairs.  However, I also just wanted to get a take of the repair guys while having Jeremy here.  I also informed the bffs of the repairs today.  I have a setback but I don't get too anxious about it.  In time, the setback will fade.   My sanctuary was damaged but I still safe in it.  I also live in an area where I feel safer.  I'm wearing my medical bracelet.  Just to take precautions.  There's  method in all of this.  It may seem odd.  But it works for me.  I have peace of mind from it.  And I also am going to keep Jeremy updated during the day so we will be communicating more the next week or so.  It's to keep him posted but also to just have safety net.  Furrball is secured.  She is none too happy about her confinement lol.  The faster we have a ceiling, the better, cat! I also wanted to update him on whether we had  functioning kitchen.  And the sooner I have a functioning kitchen back, I can figure if I can make lasagna for him.  While Jeremy doesn't have favorites of anything. (I'm a person...I see what you did there lol) He does have some default settings or things that he does like.  And lasagna is one of them. Reverently, Quietly is on by Paul Cardall.  I like putting the music I have included in my blog entries now.  You never know when you might want to put a play list together. There's a method to my ways.  Sometimes, they don't make sense to people.  To the ones closest, they smile and sometimes maybe even shake their head.  They love me nonetheless.  And that makes me smile.  What can I say? I'm adorkable.   In Dreams from Lorie Line is now on.  She has a bit of a Celtic woman vibe to me.  I love Celtic music.  Jim Brickman Radio and Angel Eyes are still my favorite stations.  However, Celtic Dream Radio is nice too.  Some time ago there used to be a station called Solo Piano radio.  Sometimes it reminds me of that.  Funny how music can bring you right back to memories. Celtic Rain is also nice.  A different Shore by Nightnoise is one.  What is my method? I think I narrowed it down to trying to give you a what you see is what you get as much as I possibly can.  And through the new eyes of my confidence...suddenly my method doesn't look so much like madness.

Wednesday, March 30, 2016

A beautiful essence kind of thing




A beautiful essence kind of thing.  A beautiful essence kind of thing. A beautiful essence kind of thing.
This picture makes me happy.  I hope it makes you smile, happy, or something pleasant.  I colored it.  I love coloring.  Sometimes I color because I am stressed.  But mostly, I color now because I get inspired or need to focus on something.  But coloring makes me happy.  So get out there, people...And smile.  And if you can't...well...just know...you can read interesting thoughts from an odd person that won't know your sad thoughts but will hope that if you are...this helps.

Later on today.....
A friend posted this on my Facebook timeline and it had me laughing.  I love how my friends associate these things with me...Unicorns...fairies...magic.  It's awesome.

Confident


Pandora started acting up again so I went to my back up, Spotify.  Confident came on.  It's a great question.  What's wrong with being confident? Confidence has been an interesting journey for me.  I didn't have much of it in the past.  But over the past year, I found it through different sources.  And that's enough to make me dance.  I will admit that sometimes I find myself almost discrediting myself.  But the thing that helps me overcome that is helping other friends overcome that.  I don't want them to discredit themselves.  So whether through affirmations everyday or sometimes just making sure to compliment them on something I notice, confidence is created.  And if I don'twant them to discredit themselves, I learn not to discredit myself.  I'm a baddass, remember? Yes.  I actually spelled it out and instead of bleeping it.  It seems fitting today.  JEM is on.  Jeremy introduced me to her.  I do love when I get introduced to artists new to me.  Survivors is on from Selena Gomez.  I am partial to this song.....well because it's her. Jeremy's favorite song from her (He has a favorite of something!) is Love you like a Love Song. Mine is Hands to Myself.    lol Did you know Scarlet Johansson sang? That's another of  our partials.  I mean...Black Widow.  How could you not? Squirrel! Confidence...it's a beautiful thing.  But it's also hard to come by sometimes.  So it's wonderful to have those who understand how delicate confidence is and help you along.  Huh.  I have a playlist where I haven't heard some of my songs.  For you from Demi Lovato is on.  Hush.  Don't judge me. lol. I like all kinds of music.  Not my favorite song from her but I had never heard this song until now.  It's...interesting.  Gasoline from Halsey came on.  That's a beautiful crazy artist.  I saw one of her videos recently.  I like her style.  I digress.  Confidence.  Grow it well.  I don't expect it to come overnight.  Believe me...it took many years for me to have the confidence I have now.  But I deserve so much more.  And when I finally saw that, well...the world looked different.  I finally saw I deserved someone like Jeremy.  And that he is a lucky man for having me! Again, the world looks different now.  It's a beautiful world.  If I could feel colors, that's what it would feel like.  The beauty of it all is the feeling I get.  I could close my eyes and take in that beautiful essence.  So...maybe I will. Maybe I will close my eyes and take in the beautiful essence.  That beautiful essence includes a trip to the bookstore for book 4 of Harry Potter! Half Price has it in paperback.  It includes giving an affirmation to a friend right now.  We text during the day.  But it was the first time I had given her an affirmation.  And today I gave it to her.  That makes me happy.  Another affirmation I gave earlier today really resonated the feeling. The basic thought was Sometimes, in life, an original plan is set.  Then, life happens. Sometimes this is a good thing.  Sometimes it's not.  It's how you react to the ride of life.  Half glass half empty kind of essence to it.  And then, you find out what the real journey was about.  And somehow, it fell into place.  So today...find out your own journey.  Find your happy.  Whatever that is.  Hopefully, where you are you can smile because it's a nice day out. Where I am, it looks misty and drizzly but eh....
 But smile, nonetheless.  Because today is a beautiful essence kind of day.  To start it off...here's one of my favorite smiles.

Tuesday, March 29, 2016

What's in a day?


A lot can happen in day. really.  I thought about it yesterday as the day unfolded. Btw, Pandora works again.  It seems I wasn't the only one having problems with Pandora yesterday.  Open by Jim Brickman is on.  What can I say? I do like me some Jim Brickman, especially when blogging.  What's in a day? A friend of mine needed work on her back.  She also wanted to kidnap me for Spa day so she used that as a way to thank me and kidnap me.  At the same time, another friend texted about a little of an unpleasant experience.  But she also saw the support she got from said unpleasant experience.  So, while I didn't like the idea of them having to experience the unpleasant experience, I was almost glad it happened.  It showed them how dear they are to people, including myself.  We also had last minute dinner plans with a friend.  My spa day was amazing.  But I also remembered why I had stayed away.  That UV light is bothersome to me.  Not like...oh I don't like looking it.  More like...great...Blue light special, epileptic style.  And the way they had the light and rotation of drying was completely different from how "L" and I have ever experienced Manicures and or Pedicures.  This was our first one together but individually, we have never experienced it in that order or how that light was.  Then, we went to Barnes and Noble.  I had already checked on whether any of them carried the 4th book of Harry Potter.  Now, here's the thing I am still having to process.  And we had an in depth conversation about it.  I checked with Half Price and right now only one store has the book.  Why am I not jumping on it? Here's the thing. It's Half Price.  I could go to Barnes and Noble.  I could even get on Kindle.  But I like the "quest" of it all finding it at Half Price and for lower cost.  I'm not the Bargain Queen for nothing! It didn't have a dust jacket.  And so I actually feel slight repulsed that someone would do that to any book.  But you did it to Harry Potter.  I realize the series is so popular, it's the reason you could get away for selling the book but...really?! And then, Half Price.  They are selling it for $7.99.  Just out of giggles, "L" and I went to Barnes and Noble.  I hardly go to this Barnes and Noble.  We meant to go to the one I always go to but she needed to mail something so we ended up at another Barnes and Noble.  I smiled.  I wanted to sigh but my new way of things is just to smile. No sighs.  I had a good memory.  But now, in a nice redo...I was getting to have a new memory here.  We, of course went to the coloring book section.  But I am good in that department for a bit.  The turkey...she got me a Doctor Who coloring book too.  I got her a Harry Potter coloring book.  She's a big reason I kept on my Harry Potter journey.  We've had interesting conversations of the Philosophy of Harry Potter.  Could you imagine a college course on this?! There, all brand new...and with a jacket laid Book 4.  I am still on Book 2 so I am going to wait until I am closer to Book 4 to make a decision.  Maybe by then, Half Price will have a better answer for me.  If not, Barnes and Noble, here I come.  Normally, I am perfectly fine on having a Kindle version of a book.  But this time, I want the physical books.  I am not breaking the bank by getting the book.  But ever since the house fiasco, I don't really want to spend money.  It's how I get when that happens.  Plus, my battery.  Jeremy thinks I am cute for the way I am about it.  He leaves me alone about it.  I told him it will come in super handy when he's making the big bucks.  I am always the Bargain Queen.  It's just the way I am.  I even think I revel in finding something that looks like it costs a lot and smile when I get complimented on it.  Because I didn't pay as much.  My days at QVC made me bad about that.  Thanks to my discount and the QVC employee store...I refined my Bargain Queenness lol So...What's in a day? Plenty, it so happens.  I've learned that the good way, the bad way, and the Wait. What?! way.  It's all in a day. Get it?! Har har har.  We know I'm a dork.  You know you're smiling and chuckling a bit just from my dorkiness.  I've lost things in a day.  I've gained things in a day.  Dates...or days, however, you want to see it....there's a memory...there's a vault.  There's time spent with people you care about.  There's happiness.  There's pain. There's the human process.  Why did all this come to me? Some of it was for yesterday."L "and I figured out where we were on our friendship.  Only it took someone else to officially say it.  Some of it is from today.  I requested Jeremy be here for the final decisions on the house.  And he happily obliged.  Just like that.  So today is big.  And Some of it is tomorrow.  Tomorrows in general.  Like the day after tomorrow.    I remembered a birthday tomorrow.  I also remembered a death the day after tomorrow. What's in a day? History.  That's what's in a day.  Significance.  It's what you make of it.  So make it spectacular!

Monday, March 28, 2016

This could be interesting


Something is array with Pandora radio.  At least on my phone.  And on the desktop, it wants me to install Adobe flash driver.  So, Spotify...hi.  I use Spotify for walking music or for music while I am cooking.  I never quite imagined it for blogging.  But who knows? Maybe it's exactly the change needed.  So for my listening entertainment the first song that came on is Roman Holiday from Halsey.  A friend introduced me to the music.  I like when friends introduce me to music or even new genres all together.  Last night I was watching a you tube user called Smooth McGroove.  I thought...this could be interesting.  I actually recognized more themes than I thought.  Favorite Record from Fall Out Boy is on. *goes off in thoughts*.  Moving on.  Sometimes I have such squirrel moments but blame good triggers or bad triggers.  I hear a song.  I smell something.  I see something.  And I squirrel.  Most things actually have good triggers now.  It's kind of a new thing with me.  I had to reprogram my brain to have a more positive outlook on triggers, whether the triggers were positive or not.  For example, Return to Innocence came on.  That reminds me of my friend JMB... We met 23 years ago in a computer class.  We were trying to get ahead in summer school.  I never had to actually take classes because I failed.  I just took them to do something during the summer.  Anyways, JMB and I hit it off.  He is rough around the edges in terms of his bluntness.  It kind of fit him in terms of his field.  He ended up as a drill instructor.  In any case, he dragged me to see Strip Tease. Yes. The Demi Moore movie.  I thought...what the hell.  And as we were walking out of the theater.  This song came on.  Don't ask me why in that moment...I kept the memory...kept the song in my head....and when I hear the song I think of that.  We still kept in touch.  We used to be best friends but I think we outgrew each other.  Nonetheless, we text here and there to see if the other is alive.  I don't have a straight path for my blogging today.  It seems like it's all over the place.  Blame Spotify.  On this playlist, I am liable to find a song that reminds me of a person, a moment, a time, or something.  Like...Believe just came on and I remember my Karaoke days. I changed it to see what would happen.  Wide Awake came on.  That used to be my friend CN's ring tone.  And though, she and I are no longer friends, I smile with that song.  Why? Because I was friends with her once...for a reason.  I just don't like being taken for granted or advantage of.  And she was famous for that.  I'm slow to recognize manipulation. .  This could be interesting.  And  a little distracting! The Story from Brandi Carlile is a good one.  If Jeremy had a collection of favorite songs, which he doesn't...but if he did...this one would be on the list.  Ah...Dress you Up is nostalgic! I used to Karaoke that song as well.  I miss my Karaoke days.  I kept in touch with one friend from those days.  And the other found me on facebook.  What's funny with CJ...she is the ex fiancĂ© of my ex boyfriend.   Yes.  She was engaged to my ex.  And I was friends with my ex. Only reason we aren't friends right now is his wife wasn't keen on the whole staying friends with the ex and I respected that.    There are few exes I refuse to talk to.  Javier would easily be on the list.  Which is true.  When CC feels ready to tell Javier about our friendship, that's her decision.  But I have no intentions or interest to talk to him.  Course, if my husband doesn't like you for any reason...then...no can do. I trust Jeremy.  But so far, only the boyfriend before him seems to be on that list.  BS was ...he wasn't the worst guy but certainly not the best.  He's the one that threw me against the wall.  How I never broke my back from that force...I will never know.  Him throwing me on the steering wheel hurt but I slugged him back.  And confession time.  I came at him with a knife once.  Once upon a time I had a temper.  A bad one.  Luckily, I have control of my angry thoughts now.  Do I still have angry thought?. Yes! Of course.  I'm human.  I just don't act on any of it.  It's not in me to.  Where was I going with this blog entry?  Spotify, you crazy playlist.  The playlist is called Butterfly.  You're welcome to find me.  I also have an old I Tunes playlist.  Once upon a time I had an Ipod.  It got stolen.  But Spotify kept my music.  Gone from Course of Nature came on.  Wow.  I haven't heard from them in a long time.  When I said this could be interesting, I don't know if I expected this kind of distraction.  I might need to fix my Pandora.  I had a couple of radio stations, including a Riverdance once.  But I liked Jim Brickman Radio and Angel Eyes radio.  They calmed me.  Thank you for riding this strange wave with me.  I hope you have a spectacular sparkling day.  I am being kidnapped for a girly spa day with my friend "L".  Last night, we had a conversation about my story.  I would like to incorporate her in as a character.  I don't know how but if anyone knows magical and fantasy..."L" is your woman! Oh...talk about crazy.  There is a picture of her cat...with my story. It's hilarious. Maybe I can download it. I finally got it downloaded!

Friday, March 25, 2016

What started out


What started out as a simple story in my head has started a life of its own.  I don't even know where the story is taking me.  But I get happy and excited when I get inspired to write.  I am building the characters.  I used to think they might be versions of Jeremy and I.  I don't think they are.  Perhaps, a spark of us somewhere.   But really, they are two different people. I have introduced another character.  I don't know what to make of her.  I don't even know what side she really is on.  And I am in the process of introducing the antagonists.   They aren't exactly bad guys.  They aren't exactly good guys either.  It's what I like where this story goes so for.  You aren't sure yet where the good versus evil lies.  You think you know. I think I know.  What started out as me just trying to get a story down is a dream.  Maybe I'll be crazy enough to publish this.  For now, it's a story.  It's an adventure. What started out as maybe traits or thoughts of things and people looks like nothing I have written down.  I will tell you a strange thing.  I had a fairy queen named. Talayla.  It turns out Barbie already has that. They had a fairy princess named Talayla.  Go figure.  I had to rename her.  I didn't even know she existed.

Purple


Tomorrow is purple day.  Which means it is Epilepsy Awareness Day.  A request, if I may.  I won't know that you wore purple.  But tomorrow, can you wear something purple.  Jeremy and I plan to, out of support.  I love Burgandy.  And you know how much I love bling and shiny.  But purple took on a different meaning.  Purple helps me help people educate on Epilepsy.  It's not a mental disorder.  Many still think it is.

What is Epilepsy?

Epilepsy is a neurological condition which affects the nervous system. Epilepsy is also known as a seizure disorder. It is usually diagnosed after a person has had at least two seizures that were not caused by some known medical condition.  As of 2015, it is offically called a disease. A decision made by the Executive Committees of the ILAE and the International Bureau for Epilepsy. I don't know how I feel about that.  But there it is.

I have partial complex and clonic tonic

These means I have more than one disorder going.  For less severe, I have partial complex.  I am still conscious.  However, for 30 to an hour I am unable to speak to you.  My left side goes numb.  And my motor skills shut down basically.  I can still communicate with you.

Clonic-Tonic seizures are more severe.  I am completely out when I have these.  I convulse most of the time.  I drool.  I have been told that my posture seems stiff.  Especially, my hands and arms.  I went to the hospital 4? years ago. They ruled it as an unspecified seizure.  But for two days they ruled it as a strokelet.
I have memory issues.  While I don't have seizures every day, I can feel fatigued.  It's like waking up and finding your battery on 60%.  I make sure to keep my battery up, like eat right.  Work out some how.  Create less stress for myself.  I try to avoid drill sounds, like M-16s or household drill sounds, strobe lights, the headlights on the newer cars, flashy lights on shoes, especially kids, red laser lights, and flicker of any kind on television or computer.  It seems the scrolling can trigger something as well.   I do okay.  Since I have been with this condition since almost birth, I have learned to live with it. I call them my work around.  It's why I avoid driving at night.  And for the most part, driving at all, if I can help it.  Migraines can trigger a partial complex seizure.  My PCOS can also trigger a migraine, which can trigger a seizure.  I don't want pity.  I just want you to have an idea.  I am actually better off than others.  I still get to drive.  Most cannot.  I played sports. I am a bit of daredevil.  I calculate what activities are worth the risk to "live" and what activities I will avoid, for fear of a seizure.  For example, Snorkeling versus Scuba diving.  I also make sure to have a good relation with my doctor.  It's not just knowing my condition.  It's about knowing me.  So...purple.  Thank you for reading this.  It means a lot to me.

Thursday, March 24, 2016

Lost in thought


I remember me telling you about finishing the line.  I don't know if it will capture what I felt.  But I ran the last leg of it.  And it felt good.  I look like a mess! But I think you're supposed to! And so much emotions for what that day meant. And Jeremy supporting me all the way.


The risk


What a great conversation with Jeremy this morning.  Initially, I started going downstairs with Jeremy after he got ready for work for a different reason.  It was a sense of a redo.  But those talks took on a different life.  I bring my brown fluffy blanket down and cuddle up with him.  He'll play with my hair sometimes.  Today's conversation was about risk.  It was the idea that you don't know when you go into a relationship knowing that it will mesh or not.  I'll be honest.  As much as I was attractive to Jeremy, I wasn't sure a relationship could work.  We seemed so different.  Recently, I realized we weren't so different.  That was a bit of an eye opener.  So...risk...You never really know.  In some sense, I think it's a beautiful and romantic thing.  It means we give our all.  Every day, a couple chooses to stay.  Sometimes external factors happen.  Children are often a reason.  But in some cases, children aren't a reason or it's not enough reason to stay.  There is an odd sense of respect...even for those I can't understand how they make it work...for well, choosing every day.  Because in the end, one doesn't know the risk taken.  Except for the couple.  There is something to be said about learning in your life.  I appreciate having a support system that I can learn from.  Jeremy, especially, teaches me things.  Sometimes by our talks.  Sometimes by example.  Sometimes by ways that I would like to approach things differently.  It doesn't mean he's wrong.  It also doesn't meant I'm not right.  And that is a lesson I learned, finally.  The risk a couple invests in their relationship is important.  The question is also how much are you willing to risk for that person.  Since trust has become such a trigger for me over the years, it was important to me that I trusted Jeremy implicitly.  You risk when you trust those you love.  You risk betrayal.  But the beautiful thing about that is when you risk well...it comes back twice fold.  We took a risk on each other.  I'm glad we did. 

Wednesday, March 23, 2016

Those words


Those words.  It's okay to not be okay.  I said those words, at least twice yesterday.  One was just a conversation having with a friend about being out of sorts.  I was out of sorts because of some heartbreaking news I received.  Some time ago I used to have what I would call my own version of therapy dogs for me.  One moved away.  But it's not just her moving away.  I found out yesterday she has bone cancer.  I know her owner was crushed beyond belief.  I was feeling things myself.  I am in a better place that I don't need the therapy dogs as much.  And if need be, I know a friend who would be happy to let me spend time with her therapy dog.  Zeus is a service dog.  And strangely, I have therapy cats as well.  Although, those two look like Brody.  So it may be when I feel a need to pet a cat that looked like Brody, I see Leo or Loki. Then, I also said those words yesterday to a friend.  CC is still dealing with things Javier did.  While we have different stories, she too had to deal with surviving him, so to speak.  When someone has that much control over you, and you don't know anything beyond that...well it can mess with your head.  And for CC and I...at the time, Javier was what we knew.  I look back and knowing what I know now...I would have been able to think and react differently.  However, I am a different person.  I was 15-21 when I was with him.  She was with him for 17 years.  He's a character.  You look at him and you don't expect to see the monster.  He seems so...I don't know, charismatic.  But we discussed how much of a farce he puts on that you have to wonder...did we even get the real person?  With that many lies and deception running around, did we know the person? Or the version he wanted to project to us? It does make me think about when people lie and deceive.  That projection.  Do we really know a person when they aren't upfront? I had a lot of thoughts running through my mind yesterday.  Organizing is very therapeutic for me.  So, getting through those recipes did help me sort through all the thoughts running yesterday.  And then I found a stopping point.  And got inspired to color this.  Because those words...it's okay to not be okay.  You're not always going to be okay.  Even if you are attempting to have a positive outlook.  Life can weigh you down.  So this is me, attempting to put a little sunshine your way.  It's okay...to not be okay.  Whatever you might be dealing with right now, I won't know the exact problem...I can't even solve it for you.  That's for you. But maybe just being here...maybe just knowing it's okay to not be okay, and I am here might ease things.  Maybe, just maybe...that helps.  So here is my little contribution to your smile, hopefully.  Enjoy the art.

Tuesday, March 22, 2016

When I said


When I said "Recipe me in a status update"...I had no idea a friend of mine would take me so seriously.  She handed over 300-400 recipes in binders.  She's needing to spring clean, so to speak.  That's okay with me! I am quite liking the project.  I am trying to figure out a system with my recipes.  Yesterday was a little busy on the Therapist friend front.  What else? Trying to do a little preparing for Jeremy's birthday.  He doesn't make a big deal about his birthday.  And so I do make a big deal.  And I get help with that! I love it.  There are people that adore Jeremy just as much as I do. We are feeling the strain of this little project.  But the good thing is, we address.  I don't want it to fester.  So when we get our persnickety moments on each other, we talk it through.  And I'm not afraid of talking it through now.  My fear always was I didn't have the chops, so to speak to debate or make a solid argument with Jeremy.  I'm working on that.  I don't have that fear now.  I smile and sigh.  I know where that comes from.  In any case, I am going to organize the living room a little more.  I am trying to find new things to put on the wall.  I think I am leaning towards that.  So four things to put.  I have other things to organize before I even really need to think about it.  The repairs need to happen first and then I can figure it out.  Yesterday, I cooked like usual.  It was the first "business as usual" activity in the kitchen.  We also got the bill for Blackmon Mooring.  All I gotta say is...Thank goodness for Home Owners Insurance...sighs. Ughs.  USAA has been good to us.  Certainly, considering other things, this is nothing.  But it still is a big overhaul on "home".  I can't wait to have it back to normal.  Or...at least a ceiling so I can open the bedroom door and let the cat be free again.

Monday, March 21, 2016

Same as it never was


There is something to be said about my tenacity.  I got the bylaws.  I am relentless on things.  I was already stubborn on my own.  However, being with Jeremy turned me into a relentless person.  I got that from him! I am in reorganization mode.  I'll have to move the furniture when repairs come through.  But I can do other projects with reorganizing.  I even think the fun trip to the farmers market and bookstore really recharged.  Thank you, "L".  I appreciate how she, without questions just kinda helped me along with my storm transition, my working on things with myself.  She's at least younger than me by 10 years but our age doesn't seem to affect our friendship.  I suppose it helps I don't act my age. And she is very mature for her age.  So it balances out.  Same as it never was was the antique store for Ghost Whisperer, which is one of my favorite shows, ever.  Charmed would be another one.  But in the show Same as it never was a great way to see things.  It's the same things.  But all had a story to tell differently.  It's like the place is going through a transition.  When we got the place as a wedding present, I wasn't sure how long we were staying.  It was just to scale down from our 3 bedroom because the kids were no longer living with us.  It was small and quaint.  It fit us.  It wasn't until we had to invest in a new AC unit that I did actually make roots and started decorating the place.  Unfortunately, my neighbor and at the time, friend got a little too ahead of herself on the Operation Revamp the Kearneys place.  We butted heads after a bit.  There's more to the story.  There is something to know about me.  Don't mess with my health, don't mess with my marriage, and don't mess with my family.  If I still let you stick around after you have messed up at least 2 or 3 times from that, we're done.  I gave too many chances.  And she messed with my family.  She had opinions about how I should treat Jeremy but she never really had a chance of me actually listening to her.  I had a squirrel moment.  Back to home.  My home is my sanctuary.  I did turn into a bit of a hermit. I do errands.  I do hang out with friends. (Usually during the day) (If it's at night, they are wonderful enough to drive).  But I like home.  I read alot.  I look up things on Pinterest.  I work on my story.  I do chores.  I also have Therapist Friend time.  So I do alot with my day.  Same as it never was almost seems like a great mantra of sorts.  Things look the same on the outside sometimes.  But many times, when a change occurs...it's never really like before.  It can't be.  There was change.  Courage of the Wind by David Lanz is on.  I feel better that there is progress.  I didn't want to sit on this, simply because I was waiting for someone else.  I'm a kicka$$ personal assistant.  I don't like to sit idle.  And when I finally do, it's usually to recharge....in order to get back to not being idle.  I have learned the importance of recharging and sitting still has a productive side to it.  I miss working.  But I don't miss the stress that customer service jobs put on me.  Especially when I would be sick.  And being out of the workforce for 5 years now doesn't bode well for me.  In a year or two it will be a moot point.  So until then, just do my thing. Jeremy seems to be happy anyways.  I am his sanctuary.  And that's all that matters.

Sunday, March 20, 2016

Nothing like before

Jeremy got called into work.  Usually he can help the person over the phone.  But when it's one of the big bosses and they are asking for  your husband's help...it makes you smile with a little pride.  Jeremy is really good at this job.  He is well liked and well knowledgeable in his field. But it's also nothing like before with another work that called constantly at 3 am in the morning....and I still worked full time at the time.   Last night was the first night to really feel any sense of normalcy.  I cooked in the kitchen.  I even had company over.  I had promised a birthday dinner.  I was going to give a birthday dinner! I am quite stubborn.  lol
So, just waiting...
But until then, cooking in the kitchen, I will. Gee...I sound like yoda there.

So here is my insanity.  It's nothing like before.  There is calm back.  There was tension.  And in fact, yesterday Jeremy and I could have been on the verge of a fight.  I felt our frustration from the situation and just general grumble from it all.  Like my bubbling from earlier this week, Jeremy was feeling his own bubbling too.  And that's okay.  Jeremy can't be 100% cool cucumber all the time.  However, we handled it well.  I presented my points.  He pointed out things.  I cried.  But I cried because we were in Unzen mode.  I got a little hurt from certain comments and addressed them with him.  By the end, we hugged and kissed and apologized to each other.  It was one of the first times I wasn't intimidated to address the issues of why we we'rent seeing eye to eye.  In the end, I was right....and wrong.  I owned up to it.  I took a step back and saw the big picture.  And in the end Jeremy was right...and wrong too. And he did too.  I could never get Jeremy to apologize in the past.  Jeremy apologizes now.  But I also approach things differently.  I step back and bring logic into the situation.  And with presentable arguments.

So here's the insanity.  I finally put the pictures on facebook.  I wanted to respect Jeremy's privacy if he didn't want them out.  He had no issue that they were on Facebook.  By extension, the same goes for Blog people.  Some of you are facebook friends with me, some of you are  not. First two are the right now pictures.    No ceiling but functional kitchen.  Good enough for me.  I called it "roughing it", Queen style.


Tada...





Friday, March 18, 2016

For example


Oh, definitely...Attitudes. For example, Jeremy and I went to see a movie tonight.  I had a bad vibe about the two young girls sitting next two us, a seat away and there they were.  I get there is still some talking at the beginning of a movie.  But these two ******* kept yapping away. I finally had to ask Jeremy to change seats.  He had already told them to be quiet once.  He tried again.  And then the silly little twit had the nerve to tell my husband to "mind your own fucking business".  Old me would've wanted to yell at this little twat.  Yes, I really said twat.  But new me thought...no no.   We tried the put the paper up to inform but that took too long.  I waited for a good scene that wasn't nearly action packed and made my way to a manager.  They got their warning.  They shut up.  I do my best to keep any anger that might want to bubble up at bay.  It takes work sometimes when idiots are well, idiots.  Either by sheer rudeness, inconsiderateness, lies, or just plain blindness.  And trust me...I am sure I have my idiot moments too.  We all have what sometimes can be derpy derp moments.  Whether we don't care about someone else's well being or just oblivious to our surroundings.  For those times, I am sorry, Universe that I wasn't paying attention.  Wow.  I feel better.  This week has been a little bit of a test on my patience.  I admit that.  But it's just a ceiling.  It's just a home.  I have what matters.  And that's the important part.  And anytime I want to jump ship and not be mindful of my attitude...I'll remind myself of not going back to old me.  With old anger.  It's not good for my health.  And frankly, I was ashamed of that woman. I stand proud of the woman I have become.  I stand tall with the evolution that has become me.  The good experiences...the bad experiences...all of it manifested the person I am today and molded and shaped how I handle things.  The good, the bad, and the still working it out.  We got a raincheck complimentary tickets for it.  I didn't even ask for them.  That was a beautiful gesture.  I will have to thank the manager next time we go back. 

Attitudes


Attitudes are contagious. Are yours worth catching? ~Dennis and Wendy Mannering

Your attitude towards life... your attitude towards people....It makes a difference. 

I hope mine is.  I hope my attitude helps you along the way if you're having some issues too.  Maybe the fact I didn't blow up might help.  Don't get me wrong.  Blackmon Mooring had been stellar about their service.  Today, however, they were 45 minutes without a call.  I had to call when they were 20 minutes late.  I finally got a call with a half hearted apology.  I really wanted to blow up.  But...I didn't.  I wasn't in a rush anywhere.  I had a couple of errands to do.  But they aren't something that can't be done another day.  Today, however, is just a grumbly day.  Ughs.  My order just got cancelled because it was unavailable.  I'm telling you.  One of those days.  The cat is being a pain today too lol She was go exploring or at least not be holed up in the bedroom.  Everything irritates me right now.  This is a good time to just stay inside and read.  Or work on my story.  Or watch The Mentalist.  Oh well.  Venting to bffs and blogging actually helps.  Attitude is everything.  It's not easy to keep calm.  Honestly, I sometimes feel it would be nice to just blow up once in a while and get it out of my system.  But it's exhausting.  And stressful for me.  I find workarounds.  And this frustration is first world problems.  I know well enough not to people right now lol.  And that's good.  Not everyone has the luxury.  Jeremy is so amazing.  I can't even tell you what a great support he is.  Every day I will proclaim it to the world.  I am so overwhelmed at his support.  We went out to dinner yesterday for St. Patty's day with a friend.  But I needed something done.  I explained to "D" that I couldn't drive at night. I had been helping with an errand she was running.  And I called Jeremy to update him on where I was since we were doing dinner plans and such.  I still have to work on my approach on asking certain things.  I'm not always to the point.  But my want was taken care of.  I can't drive at night.  I have polarized glasses that seem to work rather well.  But I still would rather not be on the road.  I've always had supportive friends that have understood this issue I have.  So it's never been a problem.  It wasn't still.  One of these days an emergency or a reason to be on the road at night might come up but I'd rather be safe than sorry.  I'd rather not drive at night.  I am learning sometimes some situations can't be helped.  But if in any way I can change something myself of a situation...I will.  At the beginning of this blog entry I was grumbling.  Now....I feel much better.  Think of me from Phantom of the Opera is playing.  An attitude can make all the difference.  I tell you this so you don't think I run like a unicorn fairy with a smile on me ALL THE DAMN TIME.  That's unrealistic.  But I like the conversations Jeremy and I have on these things.  They are going to happen.  And it's nice when I see that Mr. Cool Cat himself is human...and shows it lol.  But we can have a different attitude about situations.  We have that power.  So...I glitter this.  And I glitter that.  And I hope you have a sparkling day, bloggers.  I will always thank you for coming in and reading.  I had to look up the other day where Cape Verde was the other day.  I had a reader from there.  You, my quiet spaces, are an interesting lot.  Most of you are from the US.  But I have following in Portugal and Poland that's in the two digits.  The locations change.  I've had France, Egypt, Algeria, Germany, just to name a few.  I can't imagine that I say anything monumental.  But I have had enough friends now dispute that fact on me.  Again...I guess it took being "kicked in the ovaries" to see it.  Perhaps an escape is sometimes needed by reading my blog.  Whatever the reason...I will never stop thanking you.  You have your reason for reading me.  You have a journey all on your own that you are trying to figure out.  And maybe my blog contributes to that.  Or maybe I am sheer entertainment.  I'm okay with that too.  If you're not laughing at me or with me...I'm not doing my job.  I still value people's feedback.  I guess I am just getting to a point in my life where I don't give as much a "sh*t about it.  I will try to never be rude about it.  That's me.  I will do my best to be cordial and civil.  I just don't care as much.  I go on my own path.   That sounded rude.  Oh well.  I don't want to end on what might sound like a sour note.  Have a sparkling day!!!

Thursday, March 17, 2016

The next step


There was progress made! At least in my mind, there was progress. The guy was nice enough to be upfront and tell me on Tuesday that there was no point coming out on Wednesday.  In fact, he joked around...that would be their anniversary present to us.  We had enough going on.  We had the adjuster out yesterday to talk about repairs and renovations.  I like calling it the unexpected renovations.  So, today he came out again.  And he was able to remove 9 of the blowers.  Someone will come back later to remove the sheet rock from the kitchen to accelerate drying.  It's still very wet in that area.  And if they are going to get started on repairing they need that part dried.  They left the big dehumidifiers.  But a lot of the fans are gone.  It's still cold in here but again, I call it progress.  He's going to be back here tomorrow.  It gives me time to read the second book of Harry Potter.  Perhaps, I'll go looking for the 3rd book.  Yesterday was beautiful.  And humorous.  Jeremy hasn't been able to get a card so he had to get it yesterday morning.  It turned out he had gotten me that card in 2014.  I loved it.  I teased him about it.  He bemused that he has a particular taste! With everything going on, we were happy to have a normalcy about our anniversary.  We went to a Hawaiian restaurant for lunch.  It was amazing.  It was intimate.  It was...romantic.  We had a wonderful conversation with the owner.  The place is called Aloha Kitchen.  Small and simple looking place.  But it's absolutely wonderful.  And then, La Madeleine.  Jeremy dubbed it the Honeymoon destination tour.  And then, taking me to a bookstore for our anniversary.  How more perfect can that be? I even started my own Harry Potter collection.  That was an unexpected anniversary gift.  He joked around so were the renovations! A few stories I heard from people in the last couple days made the whole thing...irrelevant.  Whether it was the documentary...or meeting someone with a loved one with a tumor...or just other things this week I heard...one way or another....I didn't seem so anxious anymore.  Any bubbling went away.  Perspective will do that to you! You say the words it can always be worse...and then you hear the stories.  It's very humbling.  I do feel a little out of sorts in terms what to do with myself.  I have some areas I can organize.  But really, I can't start any organizing until the repairs happen.  Our furniture and anything on our wall in the dinning room is now resting on our couches in the living room.  Our dining table is propped up.  Luckily, with the blowers, any moisture that was on the chairs were dried up.  We didn't really lose much in terms of items.  One book was destroyed. I've already replaced it on Kindle.  So I wait.  And that's okay.  It makes for an interesting story to tell you.  How will the silly and sparkly housewife get herself into mayhem today? Kidding.  Some days I do have quite the adventures.  Some days are quite quiet.  I am quite okay with quiet.  For now, I'll just figure out each day.  I miss my kitchen.  It hasn't quite been ideal to make dinner in the kitchen.  Onto the next adventure...whatever that brings.  Something I felt so much yesterday as Jeremy and I were going through the day.  I can't imagine doing things with anybody else.  I am grateful for the partner I have by my side.  The last few months were a great way to figure out where our strength was in our marriage.  By showing everything...leaving nothing on the table...it's been a huge weight off my shoulders.  By him sharing more...it's been a huge weight off his shoulders.  It's funny.  I desperately wanted to hear how amazing and intelligent I am.  I desperately needed to hear that he thought I was the best thing to ever happen to him.  That not only was I beautiful to him, I was extraordinary.  I was intelligent.  I was amazing to him.  I'd been waiting 10 years to hear it other than cards.  And now, every day, I hear those words, naturally.  All I needed was the confidence.  All I needed was to tell him what I needed and wanted.  He thought those things all along.  He just didn't know I needed to hear it.  But I always think timing was key.  Sometimes events and or people have to be part of the journey on why your journey happens a certain way.  It's like life is a game of chess.  A move there. A play there is calculated to happen as is in order for the end result of checkmate.  So...I don't mind that it took 10 years.  It just makes it that more meaningful.  So thank you, Universe for my journey. However it was supposed to play out...it did.  I may not always like the outcome but intellectually, I understand that it happens because my journey needed a lesson learned.  Emotionally...well...most days I am happy with the outcomes.  Some days...maybe not.  But that's part of being human.  I see the awkward Yeti and laugh.  Brain and heart is something like me.  That my intellectual and emotional side wrestle on things is only part of the human process.  I can appreciate that lesson. So the next step...let's see.

Wednesday, March 16, 2016

Take a look


Take a look at happiness.  I can't say that every minute of the day it is pure happiness.  I will always struggle with things.  I work every day on them.  And it's much easier with healing.  And surrounding myself with good energy.  And a positive environment.  I let my thoughts wander sometimes to people or memories.  Sometimes they are good.  Sometimes they are not.  I think of the negative memories or things that have crossed my path that have been painful.  And I confront it with happiness.  It's like talking with my inner demon of negative.  That's my new thing.  I confront what has made me sad or hurt or pained me. I confront the sadness about people too.  People I will unlikely ever have conversations with.  And this is what I say.  I'm sorry.  Not for what I have done.  Not for who I am.  But for things going the way they did.  For pain.  Like Javier.  I don't fear him or what he represents anymore.  I've spent too much of my life under some invisible voice that allowed him to make me feel like I was worthless.  I am Queen Sparkles.  I will penetrate your demonic ways with this smile.  This smile has power.  This smile can brush away pain.  This smile says..."Fuck you".  Let your smile say that.  Let your smile let the world know...Go away, pain.  You don't have that power.  I learned that from a friend one time.  It kinda stuck.  So that's what I do now.  I let my smile do the talking.

Anniversary Adventures

Indeed, today has been quite an adventure.  We woke up to dealing with the adjuster.  In an odd way, as an anniversary this was actually nice.  I am pleased with the renovations that will be made.  I am not one to demand more than what the job requires.  And we had planned to go to our normal lunch place if he is home.  Instead, he suggested Aloha kitchen.  What a beautiful and quaint place.  They ended up singing to us and putting leis on us. Since we were so close to Fort Sam Houston cemetery, we decided to visit our grandparents.  The owner had given us some flowers to put for them.  What a beautiful gesture.  Then, we went to Half Price bookstore.  I started my own Harry Potter collection.  That was a nice anniversary gift.  One of my gifts to him was not interfering in the discussion with the repairs.  I completely trust him.  He's reading my story.  I am both excited and nervous him reading it.  We still have more to go with our anniversary adventure but I could cry from sheer happiness for having a day like this.  When we do things, they always seem like endless adventures and memories.  We have a beautiful story.  And continue to have a beautiful story.  Between Tears from Johannes Linstead is on.  I am so proud of to be Jeremy's wife.  And he is proud to be my husband.  I told him I love spoiling you. And I love that you love that I spoil you.  And he said...you do one hell of a job, my love.  You do a fantastic job of it.  That just made me beam with pride.  And just smile.  No matter the insanity.  No matter the storms.  No matter the topsy turvy that face...Everything is a lesson, an adventure, another memory to be made.  As long as we got each other.  Back to my regularly scheduled anniversary adventures. Honestly, we're winging it.  It's fun! We're such dorks together lol Now, if only I could look at the camera right.  Oh well...It makes for funny pictures.  Yes, that is Jeremy wearing a Coke shirt and he drinks Dr. Pepper.  And that is me wearing a Dr. Pepper shirt and when I do drink soda...drinks Coke.  Partners in crime. What can I say? lol

Tuesday, March 15, 2016

Bubbling


I figured at some point the stress might bubble up.  It did.  There was some parsnickity on both our parts Sunday.  But we got through it. And then laughed afterwards.  I love our weirdness.  And the fact we can laugh at something as insane like this.  I am looking forward to some normalcy before the insanity really begins.  I don't think I have really processed the scope of this.  Tomorrow...on our anniversary, no less..lol sighs...there will be repair people figuring out the damage and starting the repairs.  I am not sure how long this will take.  I may have to escape a few times because of the drills.  Luckily, I have places to go.  We've been offered a couple of times a place to stay other than here.  I am touched.  Plus, friends are on overtime making me smile and laugh with silly stuff to distract me.  Operation Distract Jess, as it's being dubbed.  I appreciate it.  We even got lunch Monday.  Quiche was delicious! Jeremy is staying home from work.  While this is not the most optimal way to have him on our anniversary, I can't say I am complaining.  Holding him just helps.  It could always be a lot worse.  We could have been injured.  Just a lot of things could be different.  So bubbling was going to happen.  I just need to remember how to react to situations.  That's important to me.  So....taking one day at a time.  Life happens.  And Life reminded me that it's going to shake up my world until I figure that lesson out.  It's up to me how to learn the lesson and then apply it to life.  In all this craziness, I am actually happy.  Yes, really.  lol I am surrounded by good people.  Near...and far.  It makes this transition much easier.  I don't really want to start reorganizing until I see what the repair people are going to do.  I started the second book of Harry Potter.  I also have Red Queen which I have been curious about.  I also saw that Netflix has Hunting Ground.  The song "It could happen to you" from Lady Gaga was nominated for best score for an academy award.  It's a very powerful song.  I digress.  Poor Whiskers has had her own frazzle moments.  But she liked one of the dehumidifiers.  Jeremy dubbed it he Purr buddy.  She doesn't really like venturing out.  She mostly stays in our room.  In fact, we all kinda hang out  there right now. Blogging helps me get back to my normalcy.  My house has always been my sanctuary.  Not so much right now lol.   But it will get there again.  Sometimes you have to have something shake you to get you back on your feet, in a much better way.  And in a much better space.  It's something I thought of the last couple of days...being in the right kind of space, right mindset, and knowing what to do with it.  Until next time, my quiet space.  Things changed. Things evolved from their original meaning.  Life has a different feel to it.  And it's exactly how I want it.  I just didn't know it...or figure out how to find it.  Sometimes someone or something has to "kick your ovaries" for you to see the big picture...and continue to see other big pictures past that to understand...life just has a way of teaching you things.

Monday, March 14, 2016

When life happens

I wrote a post but it wouldn't let me publish.  With pictures..and all.  Long story..kinda short. A pipe...to an old toilet  (since this condo is an older complex) to the kids' room exploded.  Exploded enough to have neighbors knocking on our door waking us up.  We had no idea.  It looked like a scene from a horror movie.  The kitchen ceiling is gone.  A patch from the dining room is too now.  They took patching from the hallway upstairs.  Dehumidifiers ...9 ..I think, 2 that are almost as tall as me, in here.  The house is turned upside down.  But in all this disaster, I have kept my cool.  I have moments of frustration.  But between a supportive husband and 2 amazing  best friends...I've yet to have the anxiety meltdown. Go me.  I appreciate that Jeremy shared he was stressed during the situation.  It was comforting.  But by his example of being cool as a cucumber...I stayed cool as a cucumber too.  Jeremy made a bizarre request I didn't think I'd ever hear..  Can you sweep water out of our kitchen.  It looked like a little flood in the kitchen.  There are always firsts you never quite figure you're going to do.  We make a great team.  He said that yesterday too.  It's not easy when life happens.  You get thrown some crazy curve balls.  That's life.  It's not always going to be a Zen garden...or calm...as much as I try for it to be.  And this was a good way to apply calm...even in the chaos.  This Wednesday is our Anniversary.  It is certainly going to be interesting.  Luckily, one way or another, friends have contributed in their beautiful way to make this transition easier.  Our home is insane.  I joked around that this was an anniversary present.  A remodel. How sweet, babe! You gotta keep a sense of humor in situations like this.  You know...Life happens.  In some ways, the reorganizing is going to be therapy for me.  So, there you have it.  House is insane.  But we're okay. In fact...we're more than okay.  We have each other.  And while that seems so cliche....when it counts...those words ring so true.  We have each other's back.  I won't let him feel this stress alone.  And he won't let me feel this stress alone.

So...

I tried posting about the insanity with the home. But nope. I'll try posting later. Life happens!  lol

Friday, March 11, 2016

This

I just wanted to share this with you. I feel more confident to put more of me out there in the world.
I am in a happy mood.  And yesterday, I finished up a coloring page because I was happy.  I usually had done it because I was stressed.  This was because I was happy.  So much that I made it my cover photo.  It used to have be your own kind of beautiful.  And it seemed fitting.  I am being my own kind of beautiful.  This.


Unchained Melody


I was still looking for inspiration, so to speak.  And funny enough it came when I walked away from the computer and came back.  And there it was.  In Spanish guitar playing, Unchained Melody.  For many years I avoided that song.  Javier and I never really had an official song and this became it.  We danced it the first time in my room.  I used to have an antique stereo in my room.  I loved it.  And then, Jeremy and I got together.  And it was one of the first examples of a redo.  Jeremy was in a wedding party where the couple was getting married in Ohio.  So we drove to Ohio.  It was also our first road trip together.  And Unchained Melody came on.  And Jeremy held me tight. He understood what it meant to have this memory.  Pandora was just playing a Spanish guitar instrumtal. Estaban was playing it.  It's funny how bad triggers can also sometimes become other things.  They can trigger a happy memory.  Unchained melody reminds me of Jeremy now.  Granted, on the shelf in my mind, I understand the origin.  And with many memories that have a negative trigger, I remember the origin.  But Jeremy has always understood and supported redoing a memory.  It becomes an adventure.  It becomes a new opportunity for a memory for us.  Even the instrumental has a memory.  I had pandora playing while I was reading and he was studying.  He took a break and we listened to this song.  It was just a nice moment.  I'm grateful that my mind allows me to change the decision tree in my heart.  I'm grateful that I can reprogram myself to look at things and associate them with positive things.  It's been a coping mechanism for me for many years.  lol It's funny how triggers can also trigger other things.  I thought of an old nickname of mine.  Someone used to call me Sunshine.  Now, my friend calls everyone Sunshine.  But I was the original sunshine.  I digress.  I sometimes randomly think of friends that I haven't talked to and reach out because I just feel compelled to.  Perhaps today can be a day where a negative trigger becomes a positive.  I hope so.  You deserve positive memories.  Each and every one of you.  You deserve a little "sunshine" in your heart.  I've had various nicknames over the years. Sunshine, JAM, Small Fries, Beautiful, Sparklepuss, Little Goddess. My own nickname for myself is Queen Sparkles.  All these bring a smile to my face.  Because all these have positive memories. Like preserving in a vault.

Thursday, March 10, 2016

We choose

Those words are not easy to say for some.  Even for me.  Every day we choose happiness.  However, when I say Everyday I choose Jeremy, choosing to be happy...It's easier to say I choose happiness.  Many of us have inner demons.  I'm not sure I haven't met someone not fighting some type of inner demon, inner voice, inner doubt.  Every day is a new opportunity to choose to face the day with positive.  Now, why do I say it's not easy.  You can turn on the news and suddenly you can depress yourself with the kind of world we live in.  You can wrap yourself around the fact on who possibly might be our president.  And that is a broad statement that makes many shiver one way or another.  Mine is specific but that's my take.  You can reflect on memories or people that have now left your life.  You can think of those no longer on Earth with us.  You can feel alone.  You get the idea.   But everyday you get ready.  You leave out the door.  And you choose happiness.  I'm proud of you.  I'm proud of you because it's not easy to do that.  You may have hardships you're dealing with. You may have health problems. You may not see the best in yourself. You may have a stressful job.  You may have stressful relationships. From familial to romantic.   You may be facing depression.  Whatever it is, I commend you that you chose happiness.  You chose to look at the positive things in your life.  You chose to see the lessons life gives you and see the positive in that.  And will you fall sometimes? Yes. You're human.  I fall.  But I get back up again, dust myself off, and say...I choose happiness...again and again.  Nothing I throw or tell that man scares him, weirds him out, or anything.  Before...I  think it did.  But then he changed.  I am ever grateful for that change and how it came about.  Think of your journey.  There could be some regrets.  Sometimes I wonder if I should have changed certain events in my life or if certain events never happened.  And then I think...I wouldn't be right here, right now (Yes...I sang that part)...if those events hadn't been there.  So choose happy.  We choose happy.  When you read my blog, it's a confirmation of saying I choose happy.  Because I want to be a positive impact on your life.  And I have to choose happy in order to do it. Garden light by Ashron is on

Wednesday, March 9, 2016

This new thing


It happened.  I have actually turned into some odd version of a girl version of my husband.  I watch anime happily.  It's not something I watch to make him happy.  I game.  Granted, RPG is not necessarily my first choice.  But I gotta say, my recent RPG experiences have been quite nice.  I want to game with my husband.  And I have plenty of friends I want to game with too. I sorta kinda understand IT.  I blame 3 of my girlfriends for helping me on this strange journey of nerdiness.   I am no longer dork dipping.  I'm drinking the nerd Kool aid.  And I love it.  I also have a new fandom I love, just for myself.  Harry Potter.  I see that I am immersing myself in it for myself.  I've had great introduction.  Then it went wayward.  Then, it went awesome again.  Then, it was about what I felt about it.  I'm still a Doctor Who fan.  I always will be.  But the new Doctor did change things for me.  And it's never quite been the same for me.  I had no idea my husband was such a trunk full of Harry Potter knowledge.  I knew my daughter was.  But he's surprising me more and more.  He read a chapter to me last night  while I was cooking.  So...this new thing.  Me...a nerd.  I mean...I'm a dork. I'm adorkable.  I'm silly.  That, I always saw....but this new thing.  I feel in sync with Jeremy. .   It's hard to explain.  I always thought we were so different.  Turns out, we were more similar than I thought. There's more stuff.  But I can't quite list it all.  Again, turns out we have more in common than I thought.   lol  Huh.  Go figure.  Either way...I am so in love with him....it's disgusting lol

At least

At least twice a day, I get a chat, a text, or a phone call on my take on things.  They range from relationships, to my experiences with my health, to parenting, to just...yelling into the void.  I like being what I call the therapist friend.  I try not to necessarily give advice.  But  I tend to ask the right questions or send the person in the right direction for the person to solve the problem.  Some days, however, I do isolate myself or what I call "hermit" moments if I am not feeling well.  Physically or emotionally.  I had to learn to put boundaries on how much I can give of myself.  That's a tough one.  I always want to help people.  And sometimes by not helping. I'm helping.  Sometimes by not helping there is a positive impact.  That sounds so bizarre to say.  But I can see that line of thought.  Last night, though I was told by two people, simultaneously, strangely enough, through text the positive impact I have on them by being directly in their life.  One called me insightful.  The other called me inspiring.  I tried holding back the tears but they came.  They were tears of joy.  Fear not.  I'm a sensitive soul.  I cry at the drop of the hat, it seems.  For good things. For bad things.  Although, on the bad, I cry but usually learn the lesson and protect myself the next time to not cry.  Ah...Think of me from the Phantom of the Opera Soundtrack.  It feels good to be needed.  Jeremy is not tutoring tonight.  That left an opening for a friend of ours whom parent passed away recently to ask us about dinner.  It will be nice to catch up with DR.  Thank you for wanting this blog as part of your routine.  Some time back I thought of stopping the blog.  Did I have anything to share? Do my words matter? And then somewhere I realized through my confidence...that yes...my words matter.  My first "take" came this morning regarding finding "me" time and apologies.  It's been a good conversation.  As soon as I think one won't come in, later on in the afternoon I talk to another friend.  Sometimes , just about work so that they have someone that checks in with them.  It's important that people have someone to check in with them.  If you don't...imagine me checking in on you with my blog.  Isolation and hermit moments are important to recharge.  But it's always nice that someone will want to know...what's going on with you. How are you? I am just checking in on you.  Maybe today that might be something to do for just one person.  I just wanted to see how you were...What a nice thing.  Sometimes we change the world by one gesture at a time.  You never know.

Tuesday, March 8, 2016

When you can find inspiration


It was something I was thinking about yesterday as I wrote my Facebook post yesterday. Mystic's Dream by Loreena McKennitt is on.  I wish I could have seen her on Sunday but I still prefer that I saw RiverDance.  That was an experience.  I digress. Squirrel!   This was the following:
When you fulfill a dream, and you make it come true.  Or at least start that dream to make it come true, there is such a deliriously wonderful feeling to it.  Dream big or go home? Nooo. Dream big or just dream, your pace, when you can, and do your best.  Maybe the dream becomes more of the journey than the destination.  Little silly dreams.  Big dreams.  All of them that I have, I feel a dream come true simply by starting it.  We bought "D" her Ravenclaw tie yesterday.  I must have been thinking of ties because I dreamt UTSA was Hogwarts school.  I saw other ties in my dream, including Gryffindor.  Jeremy and I were together in the dream.  It was a bizarre dream.  A nice one though.  It seemed symbolic but I couldn't tell you what it all meant.  She baked brownies last night.  I also got a surprise yesterday.  While Jeremy was tutoring her yesterday, he was cooking. Speaking of tutoring, his other student took his test. Go RL!! Positive vibes for you, dude! Anyways,  Zucchini spaghetti and cauliflower Alfredo sauce with Ceasar Salad.  And brownies.  I had them with a latte.  I also got the Secret of the Nimh.  That was a hoot. I hadn't seen that animation for awhile! I figured the kids would like it.  And somewhere along the way I am barely..but actually understanding Jeremy's field a little more.  That, in and of itself is big for me! I thought his field was beyond my understanding of anything.  It's nice to be able to grasp here and there.  So, as strange as it sounds, that's a dream.  Dreams can be big.  But maybe I am discovering for myself little dreams. Jeremy and I almost had a first fight yesterday too.  It was something minor on how I was coming across and how he was coming across.  In the end, I apologized for any part of bother or butthurt or whatever is UnZenny. Yes, I dubbed when we have fights of sorts, we're having UnZenny moments. lol And so so did he.  He apologized as well.  I am learning to squabble with him without feeling like I got a zing or hurt.  I came out of it, actually smiling.  And I just curled up on his chest.  He caressed my hair, which is a happiness thing for me.  And we fell asleep like that.  I'm falling asleep better.  And waking up better.  I don't wake up with this anxiety on me.  I didn't realize how much stress I lugged around.  20 years of inner pain will do that to you. Sheesh.  It's not like I don't have the pain still.  But somehow I transferred that pain to the track.  That symbolic moment helped me to transfer all that turmoil inside me.  And that is a lesson for me for many types of pain now.  I somehow use a symbolic way to transfer the pain.  It may be bizarre but it's my coping mechanism and it seems to be working! When you can find inspiration, wherever you find it....grab hold of it.  You never know what kind of journey it will take you on.  And what that journey will reveal for you.  And the lesson or lessons you will learn from them.

Monday, March 7, 2016

Some things


At this moment I am actually listening to a podcast called Talk Nerdy to me.  I love listening to this woman about very compelling things. Yet, it's very personal as well.  Her radio voice is phenomenal.  It's the 100th episode right now. Some other things that kinda changed or just new as my new normal.  Thanks to my friendship with "D" I am more mindful of organic products.  We bought a spiralizer.  I will be making zucchini spaghetti tonight.  No carbs! It's really interesting to experience this new way of thinking of things with my health.  I also like the idea of virtual walking trails.  I am getting more cardio just by the kids being around.  3 adults means human jungle gym!!! I've noticed that while I have lost weight (20-25, I think...Last time I checked 20). It's inches that I feel gone.  I feel like I have a whole new wardrobe as I am getting back into clothes I hadn't even put on for years.  I wore a size small blouse the other day!!!!! Off and on I do yoga.  I really should get back into yoga.  It helped center me.  And while this sounds funny, with all this overall change of things to become the new normal...I incorporated silly as a routine.  Last night I fulfilled a silly dream if you will by having a light saber fight with Jeremy.  I know if you saw on Facebook I had a light saber fight with him with the Unicorn a friend got me.  But this time we were having a light saber fight.  It was amazing. And we even recorded it.  Some things changed in me.  I am changed. I hope for the better.  Sometimes things or people make life changing moments or game changers that make you think on things.  And so going forward I am self aware of my own evolution of learning.  Not just for my mind.  For my soul.  For my body.  For everything.  My hair too.  I am kinda obsessed on the purple and pink.  I don't know if I just want to keep like this for the rest of my life lol.  I probably can't but I gotta say.  I love my hair like this.  I have this confident sassafrass mode that isn't just from my looks.  It's about what I represent.  Most of all, the one part that I always felt lacked. My intelligence.  My hair gives me the confidence to accept that I am an intelligent woman.  After all...a man like Jeremy would want a sassafrass beautiful and intelligent woman by his side.  There you go.  Enter me Woot.  You can't imagine my happiness of every day waking up to feeling this confidence.  I do have my self doubt moments.  I know they will be there.  Life...or people.  But I'll dust myself and get up again.  Because I am Queen Sparkles.

Pace


It was something I was thinking about yesterday and today.  This idea of pace.  It took me 20 years to finally have a voice.  Why? And it occurred to me I had to have the right people at the right time to help me heal with the right moments and thoughts and teachings.  Haven't I always mentioned that a negative can turn to a positive.  So no matter what, the big picture was to finish the 5K feeling like I did.  There is something about pace in general.  People have different paces.  It doesn't matter that.  I may have been slower to get to this point.  There may be others that haven't been able to scratch the surface about how to heal.  So why compare? I mean, for anyone to compare their pace.  They are getting up and doing something about the pain.  They are trying to figure out how to deal with their pain.  And if we are talking about pain...it could be all kinds of pain that we feel.  I can't begin to figure what others are in their pain because I'm not in their shoes.  So...suddenly 20 years doesn't seem like anything anymore.  It just seems like it was part of the story of my healing.  Some parts make me sad on my journey to healing.  If I don't watch myself, I could start crying.  I could feel heartbroken.  But then I stop myself. I sigh.  And I remember the big picture.  The part where I was running on that finish line.  I swear somewhere I was hearing Chariots of Fire going off.  In my head, that was the soundtrack going off. lol Can you imagine it?! Pace.  What an interesting concept.  I started writing a story.  That's a big deal to me.  I've been saying for years I wanted to write a story but I never committed anything to pen and paper.  The characters are interesting version of Jeremy and I.  I can't say all of the character is us.  But I can see us in it.  Jeremy hasn't read it yet.  I'm saving it for him to read it on our anniversary.  Which is on the 16th this month.  I love the idea of gifting him without necessarily buying something.  Those are the best gifts to me.  Speaking of gifts.  I bought a journal that's like a gift to myself.  It's a beautiful green Celtic book. The design makes me smile and melts my heart actually.  Like an inside story or something.  Like holding some special meaning.    I'm calling it Love Letters to myself.  I don't necessarily write in it every day but with giving affirmations to my friends in the morning, I thought...Why not give myself affirmations?  I am reading the Harry Potter series.  Not because I want to for a friend.  I wanted to see a lesson in Harry Potter.  I asked Jeremy if he saw which House I might be in.  I figured Gryffindor because that was what Harry Potter was in.  And I asked Jeremy what House that represents.  He said courage.  I thought about it and said I could fit in that house.  Bu then he looked at me and told me but I can also see you in Hufflepuff.  And again I asked what house that reprsents and he said Loyalty.  Jeremy explained there is so much more to it but that I also could easily fit that house too.  He identified with Ravenclaw.  So do "D".  "CL" as I like to call her, I think identifies more with Gryffindor.  But I digress.  I am reading the series.  But there is an added bonus.  I am being read to.  As strange as it sounds, I found out I like being read to.  If I had a glitter bag of things that made me happy....this would be one of them.  And so "D" reads to me.  And last night I requested Jeremy read to me.  He plans to do that tonight.  I thought of a strange thing right now.  What if you could gift a person with reading a story but in your own voice.  It's an audio book, but personal.  Somebody should go get rich with that idea.  So.....Pace.   Go at your own pace.  You only know the journey you are dealing with and where you are on your journey.  I am slowly learning this about life. Even now from 2002 is on on New Age Ambient Radio.  I swear...it almost sounds a little like If God were one of us.

Sunday, March 6, 2016

There is that dream

There is that dream of wholeness.  As I finished that line....I felt something.  Some of it was flashbacks of being on a track when I was younger.  The last part of the race is on actual track.  I left my party to run the last leg of the race.  3 adults and 2 kids can't always make for running an entire 5K!  As it was, it was the first time I even attempted any running for it.  "D" was able to make it and that made me so happy.  I know how much it meant to her to be there to support me.  And that meant so much to me.  Yesterday is a beautiful memory now.  I had a seizure.  The running, the emotions of it all, the heat, and kid wrangling probably made for a stressful day on my body.  "D" felt bad but I reassured her I was bound to have one whether the kids were there or not.  It was that much of an emotional day for me.  Actually, the kids made it even more of an adventure lol.  It can be chaotic at times.  But it's been a good lesson learned that I do need some chaos in my life.  Just the right kind of chaos, from the right kind of person.  And right there, by my side, is my devoted husband.  I'm not sure I ever used that word. But that is what I felt.  I have a devoted husband.  He has my back. He is supportive.  And the best friend I could ever have.  That alone could make me emotional lol . Going back to " I felt something".  I felt whole.  I felt proud of myself.  I felt I had accomplished something.  There is that dream to be able to truly be honest with myself and and say...
"I love myself".  I love who I am.  I love who I represent.  I love my personality.  I even love my flaws and clumsiness.  I love my sincerity.  I love my stubborn streak.  And mean it.  I love the confidence I exude now.  Every once in a while in my thoughts, I do get sad...this idea of confidence.  But I sigh...and focus on the positive.  Sometimes I wonder if the confidence, thoughts, triggers, and associations will always have that effect.  I am hoping not.  I am hoping over time that sad and sigh go away.  For my own sake.  And then, all I have to do is look over to Jeremy.  And smile.  Because no matter what...no matter what I go through, no matter challenges, storms, obstacles...I have him.  I even asked for something that normally I would shun.  But it was a want and need.  I'm sore all over. But it was my feet that needed a massage.  In the past, I would not even dream of asking.  And there I was asking. Can you massage my feet, Babe? Without even a hesitation...He massaged them.  Silly silly stupid girl.  This man loves you. And now you finally see it because you have the confidence.  And I really called myself stupid.  It's a word.  I can't let it have the power it's had.  Lesson learned. Don't let negativity have the power it has over you.  Don't let words trigger you.  So, thank you for being on this journey with me.  Thank you for reading my words.  You don't even know what it means that you read my words.  I'm still figuring out the lessons in life.  But thank you for being my quiet space where I share my thoughts.  It's been a sort of therapy for me.  You, quiet spaces of the blog, have been my therapy.  And yes, I'm crying. But they are happy tears.  Oh, are they happy tears!

Saturday, March 5, 2016

Where I am


As I wrote the sentences on Facebook about being a survivor, I could feel a swell of anxiety.  I had never really put my rape in such a public forum.  However, that's the point of having a voice.  I want people to know that it can happen to someone you know.  I wanted people to see what a survivor looked like.  What someone with healing looked like.  But I did it.  I am so proud of myself of where I am.  I can feel the tears welling up because of the journey I have taken to be at this moment, in this time, going to the 5k, where I am.  And I still have more journey to go.  I still have more healing to go.  But Where I am....is great.  My name is Jessica Kearney. I was 19 when it happened.  His name was Javier Gonzales.  And he was my boyfriend at the time.  Eventually, I married him to justify to myself that the abuse he gave would not be abuse if he was my husband.  I cringe to believe that's what I believed.  But he had me believing a lot of things.  He had me believing I was worthless.  Stupid.  I couldn't do better than him.  I am such a different person today.  But that girl, that scared self doubt girl still lives inside. And so every day, I make a choice to not feed into that self doubt. Not feed into negativity.  Not feed into anything that will detract from my healing.

Friday, March 4, 2016

A voice


This is the face of a survivor.  This is the face of whole.  This is a face of healing.  This is a face of a fantastic support system.  This is the face of a wife grateful for such a supportive husband. This is the face of someone still figuring out her journey.  This is the face of a warrior.  This is a face that has a voice now.  And will be a voice for those who can't use theirs yet.  This is a face that tries to inspire every day.  This is a face of forthcoming as possible.  Hello, World.  Tomorrow is a dream come true going into the 5K a whole person.  This is a face of a survivor.  

Leading up to tomorrow


There is some type of anticipation in me that I feel about tomorrow.  20 years in the making.  I've been waiting 20 years to walk this for others because they don't have a voice.  But I do, now.  And tomorrow....that will be my dream come true.  One of my friends is desperately trying to walk it with us but "D" has so much to juggle at times, I don't blame her that she can't.  I admire her so much.  Funny, she admires me so much.  Yah for seeing beautiful things in each other.  It had been a few months since I had to do the ...well if we are going to be friends friends...I need to tell her this information. Strange thing. "D" and I have been friends for 7 years.  But not to the level where we weren't just passing friends.  She struggles with a condition as well.  So she understands trying to have to balance it all.  And here she is trying to desperately go to this event. Why? Because of my story.  Because when I shared my story, she had no idea that I was hiding that inside me all these years.  That smile held so much pain before.  Over the years, old classmates and other friends have seen me. And until now, I really only shared it in intimate levels of my friendship. I always shared the truth and facts. But never the gritty details. Never the feelings I got from entire experience. I only spoke that with those whom I had an intimate level of trust with.  The kind of trust you have with very few people.  I have had so many walls built up inside me.  I didn't allow myself to understand that it was okay to trust people.  They wouldn't turn on you.  Interestingly enough, I don't know whether I believe in that statement or not.  But here is something I do know.  I am a changed person.  Dates are important for me in some ways because they gauge for me an emotional state or catalog for how I feel by what I know of the date.  August 1, 1996.  That's the date of the rape. 2:10 or 2:15 p.m. That's the time of the rape. That is a crucial date for me every year.  Until last year when I was going into it like a warrior.  That was a new experience.  Now, the 5K.  I am going into it whole.  That's a new experience too.  After so many years with Jeremy I really actually told him details of what happened.  I was scared in the past to do that.  I wish I can tell you why? Judgement? I honestly don't know the answer.  I discredited myself so much, it spilled onto my relationship with Jeremy.  And it stunted our growth.  At the same time he also wasn't at the growth to be able to be where we are today.  It astonishes me our evolution.  Our talks are amazing.  The intellectual talks were already amazing but they come with so much more now.  And yes, emotions come up.  But ever since my new approach to the subject, it made all the difference.  We open up to each other.  I appreciate our candor.  I hadn't realized how much I crave candor now.  I love our new routine in the morning that has been around for 3 months.  I go downstairs with him and we just talk.  Sometimes about ridiculous things.  But sometimes about serious things.  And always about appreciation of each other.  That's a new normal.  We constantly vocalize what we appreciate and what we like in each other and our relationship.  My heart burst from these words.  It is an important part of my love language. His is service and words.  So...what does tomorrow mean for me? So much.  I have a new struggle of trust again because of recent events.   But anytime that struggle happens...I just look at Jeremy.  And words cannot describe but we try anyways...to figure out how my struggles from 20 years affect me.  And how my struggle affects him.  In the midst of all of this...I have two amazing best friends that love and accept me for who I am.  Apart from that I have a couple of other friends that with their fiesty help me keep my warrior sense of me.  I have a beautiful friend in CC.  The one person who knows the struggles I go through because she went through them with Javier.  It's scary on how someone can be.  I listen to her story and realize he hasn't changed one bit.  I have my kids.  Though it's not a constant things with them because they are teens.  I have a good relationship with them when we do interact.  I have a good relationship with their mom, Chicky D.  One of the outcomes of becoming close to someone...they get a nickname. I am also grateful for the kindness from some ex best friends, ex boyfriends, and an ex fiance.  You didn't have to calm my heart and console my soul.  But you did because I was Jess...and I was worth doing that for.   I don't regret the event.  I don't regret Javier.  I wouldn't be the person I am today without that particular moment in my life.  I have regrets right now. But mostly because I am mad at myself for sometimes letting the wrong people in  and trusting the wrong people.  And then...I remember that no matter what I will forgive past hurts.  Past betrayals.  Why? Because all that pain inside me is not worth lugging around.  I have felt so free being this happy the last 3 months.  20 years. 30 years...However or whomever has hurt me...I forgive you.  I'd rather be happy.  I choose happy.  Leading up to tomorrow...I choose everyday to be happy.  Some days it will be more of a challenge to keep that promise to myself.  But I am worth it.  I am so worth choosing happiness.