Friday, September 30, 2016
It started out with my friend, RB and another friend of his. But it took on a life of its own. You see, RB had a beautiful boy named Keegan. Keegan had Epilepsy. There is much story with all that. But here is the part that makes Keeping it Taut for me, important. Be the most awesome you. Be the amazing person you were meant to be. Find the shine that makes you such an amazing person. We all have it in us. But life, and specific people in it can certainly trample on it. Think back on the people that make you second guess yourself. Or doubt your abilities in certain things. Or even an experience in life that changed your perspective. You know what I am talking about. Most people have this experience. Keeping it Taut, for me is a fight to find the awesome in yourself. Keeping it Taught meant to find the Unicorn in me. I am certainly a character. I sparkle. I shine. It has taken me years to see it. And it's taken pain to go on a journey of healing. But there I was, Keeping it taut...and I didn't even know it. I never met this beautiful angel. But I am friends with RB, such a good example that not all men are horrible. Like any human, I saw a journey of happiness, flaws, pain, and healing. I texted RB right now to tell him I had him in my thoughts. Such a positive person, even on a day like this. Keegan would've been 8 today. Certain things in life remind me to cherish life in its precious ways. That we are capable, as humans of such atrocious things. But that we are capable of such beautiful things as well. As corny as it sounds, those cliches come back and haunt with a smile. Glass half full. Seeing the sunny side of things. Better to approach with honey than vinegar. Holding onto so much anger and bitterness is not healthy. Believe me, I should know. I am a happier person for forgiving. I forgave Javier. Being there, face to face with him. He didn't know. But August 1st, I forgave him. I don't know why people do bad things to other people. I don't understand bullying. I understand the line of thought for revenge. But in the end, I don't understand acting upon it because you don't feel better afterwards. Keeping it Taut. Find your Taut. I found mine. I found that no matter the negative, I will turn into a positive. After all, I don't have to go very far for that. Jeremy is the positive out of it. I met Jeremy through Javier. How is that for positive out of negative? I hope you see your worth. I hope you see that you have so much to give to the world. You will have people and experiences that make you doubt. That's okay. It's part of life. Keep it Taut. Pass it on. Make it your own. Find your own Taut. This is for you, Keegan. You are such an angel. You are an inspiration. You remind me to find my Taut. I tip my hat to you, sweet boy. Cristofori's Dream by David Lanz is on. What a perfect melody to how I feel. Sad. Appreciative. Happy. Reflective. Inspired.
Thursday, September 29, 2016
The big thing today was heading back to court with CC. However, there was a development that made it we didn't go to court. Our Love by Paul Cardall is on. It's got a nice sound to it. Back to today. This was a positive. It's my day off so now I am figuring out my day. Museum? Definitely, a place to sit down and eat. Maybe read too. I'm on the 7th book of Harry Potter. I bought the 8th book, the transcript. That ought to be interesting. Never mind. I do have lunch plans lol. We had such a great conversation about the progression of our relationship. The many truths we found out. Honestly, I had to recognize and accept my entire relationship with Javier was one big lie. I don't know what was real or not. Too many lies. But it's okay. I reflected on that. And I realized it wasn't anything on me. I wasn't defective. This is the way certain people are. Especially if they are narcissists. He's been identified as a covert narcissist. It can mess with your head. It can mess with how you value yourself. Sheesh. I look back and it breaks my heart that I lived in a world that I didn't see this amazing person I am. And I still grow and learn. My legacy is never going to be the professional side. It's my personal side. I have influenced people. I have helped people see their value. I make people happy, simply by being me. That is such a great feeling. I have such an amazing "tribe" set up. Yes. I am finally using that word again. I needed a redo of sorts to take a negative and turn into a positive. And over time, I felt it. I have a sense of family with my circle. And you know what? Life happens. I think it's odd that anyone would be grateful that I understand priorities and life happens. But I guess there others that have conditioned them to believe that they are not good people for prioritizing said person that is upset about not getting enough time with them. Who knows? All I know is that I am happy that I am priority to those who are important to me. It makes me...well... all fuzzy inside. Sometimes I hear words that echo something I heard long ago. I smile. Because it was truth. I frown because it came with pain. But pain is necessary in life. Pain is necessary to learn lessons. And over the past year, I have learned many of them. I have opened my eyes to things. I have a new appreciation for things. Even for people. In four days, a year ago, a monumental moment happened. I had breakdown. I remembered the entire rape as though it was a movie. It was overwhelming. Between meeting CC and finding a trigger in "delicate little flower, it was too much and I needed to go get help. And help I did. I felt protected on one of the most vulnerable moments in my life. And here I am now. A stronger person for it. Sometimes, in life, you have to go through the shitstorm to get to that rainbow. I reflect a lot on what transpired for me a year ago. My psyche was in a different place than it was now. I understand more. Thank you for understanding with me. Some of you may just be reading my book of life on just this chapter. Some may have been with me since the beginning. Think about your story. Reflect. And appreciate what that story has meant for your journey. All of it has made me a better person. Each experience helped me through my journey. Each experience helped me to learn lessons of life. Sometimes when people ask what the purpose of life is....maybe to just reflect on what experiences do for us and how they shape us.
Wednesday, September 28, 2016
Also, did you know there is a Unicorn cafe???
Don't ask me where that title came from. I took a nap after work. I recognize my body works on a different pace. I am so grateful that I get to work again. It is such a good feeling to go to work. And then, work for an amazing company. I feel appreciated. And while my paycheck was never going to break the bank, I am contributing financially. And that gives me a sense of peace to a puzzle I always knew bothered me. For no matter how whole I was going to heal or be, doing that was going to be there and bother me. And the work I do is, well simple, really at times. But it means so much to the clients. My smile does wonders. My personality is perfect for this. I have my set schedule but I also get to pick up hours if I want. I like that flexibility. Song for Rome is on by Brian Crain. Quiet is the new black, still. I guess because the past few months were a roller coaster, it is with a new found appreciation to be back in a peaceful state. I think Jeremy and I both lost our way. And while we didn't mean to, I think we took each other for granted. or at least certain things about each other. Luckily, the Universe gave us both a nice kick in the butt to remind us of the special gift between us, a bond that is strong, through friendship...and love. It took me a while to actually see the actions that I could not see in words. I admit. Beautiful words are so...intoxicating. With my story with Javier, I understood what beautiful words meant for me. And for whatever reason, Jeremy struggles to just spout them out like a beautiful sonnet. Like they were natural to say. But he once compared my ease with people to math. I suck at math. He sucks at connecting so easily with people. For me...it's second nature. So is math for him. But we figure it out. And over time, we figured out how to communicate that I was this amazing woman and he was lucky to have me. And that no matter what, I believed in him. Speedbumps happened. I don't regret that we had them. We had to learn the lessons. And we still continue to grow and learn the lessons. But we do it together. We're a team. Partners in crime. Another beautiful song is on Maybe is on by Yiruma. I don't write every day because I don't know...I don't feel like writing every day. But I still like to check in every once in a while. I guess to let you know I'm doing okay. I'm better than okay. I will for sure blog tomorrow. Tomorrow is a big day. So, quiet spaces...until next time. I never take for granted that you read my thoughts. I am humbled by your readership. Thank you.
Monday, September 26, 2016
Sooo...there I was double booked for work. The permanent opened the door for me. I actually had two options. The on call manager finding me other work. Or basically boot the permanent out and make her go home. I did, however, have breakfast and coffee with her and the clients. I came back home and am waiting to see if I can get another assignment today. The on call manager thinks that's a good possibility because people are calling in. Jeremy is off of work today so it will be nice to just chill. Although, it's a dentist appointment and his face will be numb. No lunch for him. Poor thing. Yesterday was fun. Jeremy and I and some friends went to Monster Con. I dressed up as a vampire housewife. It was also the place where I met CC. Crazy what can happen in a year. I don't know if I will ever be able to go back to Zen. And maybe that's okay. Sometimes, like today, work can get chaotic. So I have learned to roll with the punches. Sometimes life just happens and chaos will ensue. But with the right people, you can do okay. I'll put up pictures for the Monster Con. Lots of fun
Wednesday, September 21, 2016
Sometimes a day can be a unicorn dragon kind of day. Somehow you will figure out what that means. If nothing else, it's an interpretation. Out of fun, I turned Glitterbomb into a shall we say...Namaste word for me. Turns out Glitterbomb is a song. One of my best friends texted me inspiration videos and songs just to get me all psyched up. I love it. Say it with me...Glitterbomb. I have the power to tune out the negative and the ughs of the world. Whether it's places or people. For the Love of a Princess is playing. So go get that Unicorn dragon kind of day down and be the best badass you can be. Whether work is challenging...or people are. Check out Glitterbomb and think of me now lol Blame "L" And then, you can smile and know it's gonna be okay
Monday, September 19, 2016
It's been a while since I wrote on my blog. I just wasn't feeling it. But today seemed like a good time to just write a few thoughts. Yesterday was a bit of excitement. We had the kids this weekend. And on our way back, we got into a 7 car fender bender. We're okay. I'm a little sore but otherwise, okay. I did, however, get a last minute call to pick up a couple shifts. To one of my favorite clients...so the answer was yes. lol
My life is a nice set of wonderful boring. Jeremy is in study mode. I'm reading the 6th book of Harry Potter. When we take a break it's Sword Art Online or Leverage. I'm almost done with Criminal Minds. We cut off our cable. I don't really watch TV anymore. Everything I watch, pretty much I can see somewhere else. Or read. I can always find something to read. It's getting closer to the Election so I've had to readjust my feed. Ughs. Like I said...wonderfully boring. Here and there, an interruption. But for the most part, it's nice and quiet. I think I had a few bumps these last several months but you can't keep a girl down. I'm in baddass mode now. Even on my days where my insecurity can get the best of me, all I gotta do is remind myself of May 31 and Aug 1. Yeah. I'm good. lol I really had to figure out to see the best in me. And keep sticking with it. I would feel it but it would fluctuate too much. Now...it's not in a rawr I'm awesome. But it's a shrug or bob of the head of yeah...I'm a badass. I can handle anything...if I can handle THAT.
I don't know how many times I will come back to my blog. I miss writing to ya'll, I really do. But I don't feel inspired to write anything that I probably haven't written before. I'm just living life. Work. Home. Work. Home. Hang out with friends or two. Comic Con. That's about the only thing coming up for an event. We're going as Joker and Harley Quinn. I know. I know. Harley Quinn is over done. I don't really care. I still wanted to dress up as her. So...maybe I will come back in October with more adventurous things. I hope you, my quiet spaces are doing well. Go be awesome.
Friday, September 16, 2016
Point of no return.
All is said and done
Cast aside any anger
Peace is all you need
Life weaves us Lessons Learned
and we hope we see the point
But if we try to wound around, to see the sunset again
We must not walk that step
Time is the friend we hadn't planned to help along
But there it is. Time
Too much time.
I can't do this.