Tuesday, May 31, 2016
It wasn't something I could really talk about. Today was THE DAY. When you are in a movie, and that monumental moment where the victim sees their predator...Honestly, it felt like some Lifetime movie. But it was real life for me today. After all these years, I faced Javier. You read right. Today, as emotional support for my friend, I came face to face with my rapist. In fact, at one point, I was feet away from him. How I didn't react how I am feeling now...I don't know. Eh. Maybe I do. Because I am a fucking badass. No hiding through the words so they don't across on the screen. I deserve the whole words. He was not expecting me there. And his mannerisms when he is distraught and upset....well....I remembered them today. I didn't actually look at him directly until one time. We stared each other down....and then he looked away. It was a defining moment for me. I was showing my strength. CC wanted to take me to breakfast first so we first found a shady place and got the hell out of there. It was just...shady lol. And then she thought of Pico De Gallo. I laughed, And she wondered why I laughed. I told her the night before he raped me we danced. And there is a picture that was taken of us. I since have lost it. We look happen. Such a sham. And the next day he raped me. So eating there...well it seemed fitting. Like a redo. I was as strong as I never thought I truly was. Thank you, quiet spaces. Thank you, anybody and everybody who had a hand today on my strength. Those still in my life. And those not. I was strong because you helped me heal. I needed to be strong for my friend. August 1, 1996 was the day he raped me. May 31, 2016 was the day...well...he felt the violation of sorts. If that makes any sense at all. The Enchanted Garden by Kevin Kern is on. I really did this. We still have to do this again. There was a delay. But I really did this. I faced that monster. The emotions running through me right now are all over the place. But by chance, I have Jeremy with me today. And that is helping me cope. For Better or Worse, we are a team. WE are. And I feel a different level for us in our love. Is it perfect? Ugh. No. We have seen an ugly side of each other within the last month or two. But it didn't stop us. We got our umbrella and weathered the storm together. I love that. I couldn't imagine sharing this exhausting day with anybody but him. And then my friends. The ones who have known this crazy healing journey from the beginning. And then you. You, the very quiet space that I write such vulnerable thoughts. Thank you. Thank you for letting me express this very raw and sometimes painful side of my life. It is therapy for me. It helps me heal.
Friday, May 27, 2016
Being that vulnerable is not the easiest thing. Whether it's face to face. Or it's on my blog. Jeremy once asked me how I can possible write such intimate and personal things for essentially, strangers. Or at the very least, people I don't know whom I am writing to. I recognize how that would seem difficult. But it was more important to me to have my life be some kind of reference. It was a perspective for you to have. That when you go about your day working, my thoughts resonated with you. That I made you smile. Any one of those things would do. Even pure curiosity. Sometimes there is a sense of voyeur that we don't admit having. But there it is. Maybe even that. I can accept that. I am this way because I don't know how else to be. I share my thoughts with people face to face. I am layers. Most people get surface layer Jess. And that is still a pretty good experience. However, there are some select few that have a different experience. They have shown me their intent with our friendship. I was having a conversation about that last night. Respect and intent. Two very amazing conversations last night. I love having those kind of amazing conversations. So...here I am...vulnerable to your possible judgement. If I help you in your day in any possible way...I'm okay. That's the biggest happiest for me. And the best part. I don't even have to know I am doing it. I am just taking a wild guess that I do. Because I already do that face to face. When I stop letting my inner demons grab such a hold of me, I remember how amazing of a person I am and the gift I am to this world. I remember many conversations with people that have confirmed that information as well. However, I am trying not to rely on others for their validation. But my own. Feedback is important. But I have to look inward. I am that bad ass. When I allow myself to be. I just need to allow myself to be. That's the challenge. Unchained Melody by Esteban is on. So thank you for reading. Thank you for bringing a smile to my face as you read this. I feel connected to you, quite spaces of the blog. This reminds me of a social experiment I did with a friend. We didn't talk for about 20 minutes, on purpose. It was a beautiful memory. Because it reminded me that in the quiet spaces of life, we find ourselves. In the moments of life, where the white noise goes away...we find more of what we are.
Thursday, May 26, 2016
Whether with friends or just the two of us, that's the biggest thing for Jeremy and I. To experience life. To make memories. We're partners in crime. And I am excited for this next chapter for us. I wanted to celebrate yesterday with ice cream. But yesterday was wine day. So what better way to celebrate wine day...than with wine ice cream?! Jeremy and I had never tried it so it was going to be an adventure. I checked out if the place had it before we went. They always seem to be out! But they were in stock. And there were many choices. But chocolate was the winner. Chocolate cabernet, to be exact. What a delicious blend together! It was also a memory yesterday going to Aaron's grave site. It was bittersweet. A day of celebration for getting a job. And yet, Aaron. It was a serious day of the feels that my body felt it. I was emotionally exhausted. It also didn't help I learned later that night that a friend's pet had passed away. I had been following Linguine for a while now. She was a character through the pictures. But what helps is good people. That's something I got called yesterday from a friend of mine. RB and I were just talking about things in the past. He has had some serious tragedy in his life. He and I connected with something. He had someone whom he was extremely close to him and loved dearly pass from Epilepsy. He even helped with House repair insight when we had that whole ordeal since he is in the field! I do love insight. When people have some background or expertise on an area, I always appreciate it! Experiences to have....I think they help us to understand the world better. To gain perspective on things. To open up our minds. Whatever it is, I am grateful that I do get to experience things to understand the world better. I try to stay as open minded as I can. But I am human. Even I will falter. And for that I apologize. And don't apologize. I will always do the best I can. That much I promise.
Wednesday, May 25, 2016
I had lunch with Jeremy.I went on an interview. I got the job. I got the job....I GOT THE JOB. It's not a big deal. And then it is. And then I went to see Aaron at his grave site. What a day. Like I said before...you never know where this day goes. I feel all sort of things right now. I still miss my friend. Sighs. This is a new chapter for me. Reflect indeed.
Today is just one of those days I don't know where my emotions will go. It's The death anniversary for Aaron. Before him, I really hadn't experienced that type of passing. You're here one minute. Wasn't I just talking to you the other day kind of moment. To...never seeing you. Done. Final. I can't imagine how doctors and other professionals that deal with death on more occasion do it. Those are heroes to me. Even if they must still stay detached for professional boundaries...still.. They're human. They feel. But here I am, not sure where my feelings are. We fought constantly, Aaron and I. We did not have the same opinions on things. And while I could respect someone having a different opinion, I felt compelled to stop Aaron from some of the direction of his thoughts. Little did I know.....I don't think I could have in the grand scheme of things changed where he was in the space of life. I've been low once. I was 10. I've been teetering on low a few times in my life. But because of my beliefs as a grown up, it never got to a point where I would take action. But one was at 21. And the other was recently. I felt like my existence was in the way. And that is never a good feeling. And in that aspect I wonder if Aaron felt that way. In the way. He was a formidable person. He could be intimidating. Especially with his intelligence. And he could make me small. But for some reason, like a little chihuahua that bites at your ankles, I wouldn't stop. And in some crazy way, that was good enough for Aaron. Maybe because if I stop fighting with you. Or stop talking. Or just stop everything...I am done. Not because I want to be. But because life has put too many obstacles to go back from a point of no return. It's never a good feeling. But sometimes the best way to be a friend is to not be one at all. For their sake. For yours. Or for both. The last 3 months Aaron and I reconnected. And then that fateful night he came over. We had Subway. Jeremy, him, and I had an awesome conversation. And just before he left, he saw the plate and said that was a great place for it to be. That was it. I snapped a picture in my mind. I remember that moment. I didn't know why I did. Until later. I just remember his face. I panicked at first, wondering if I had triggered something. But in the end, over time, and talking with friends about suicide, I have come to understand that it isn't just one thing. Something leads to it. Yes. In some cases there are stressors. But there is more to things. I have lunch with Jeremy today. In some ways that is a great way to celebrate Aaron. To remember how precious things are. I cherish what I have with Jeremy. It felt like it was slipping away for a bit. Life happens. But then you figure how you will react from life and take it from there. And now, I've been looking at things with a different set of eyes. Less rose colored. But not without as much love. I look at life with less rose colored. I still have my positive outlook on life. But I allow myself to see the very flawed very brutal parts of the world. Because they are there. Whether they meant to or not, a couple of friends taught me that. To remember to see the brutal parts of life. Maybe I was sitting on a pedestal too long to see that life doesn't work like that. Who knows? But it was a good lesson to learn. Reflect. We all do it. It's healthy. It reminds us where we are in the space of life. It reminds us what is important to us. It reminds us of memories long ago. It reminds of happiness. It reminds us of pain. It reminds.
Tuesday, May 24, 2016
My thoughts are on this past weekend. It was a good weekend for Jeremy and I to get our groove back. It felt nice. I know in recent weeks we had struggled. It was the first time we had lost our footing like this. It was our first serious Oh shit moment. But we survived it. Sometimes I don't feel it completely over. But I understand about treasures. I understand about being authentic. I understand. You sometimes have to see the bigger picture of things. I understand that now. I'm proud of me though. Even when I kinda had a moment. There is a method to my madness. It is nice that Jeremy is coming back with compliments. It's not just me saying something and he confirms it. It's him actually saying something nice to me. And saying...That's a compliment. It's become a bit of a running joke between us. But my thoughts are also running on tomorrow. Tomorrow is the death anniversary of my friend, Aaron. What a complicated friendship. We struggled in our friendship until the last few months. We reconnected and seemed to be in a good direction. And then, he took his life. It haunts me. I have learned by talking to others that it's nothing I could do. If anything, he was saying goodbye. Jeremy and I just didn't know it. So I cherish that night, eating subway and just talking. He saw the plate. And made a comment about it being a good place for it to be. And that was it. I got a call from a friend. She was afraid I would see it on Facebook. I got two other calls from friends. Who were afraid I was going to see it on Facebook. Talk about a beautiful and sad reality of things. Friends were protecting me. I also made a truce and basically started up a friendship that was severed because of loyalty to Aaron. When he and I severed ties, she thought it best to support him. And I never faltered her for that. Those are where my thoughts are. I'm also reading a very good but disturbing book. It's called the True Story of Hansel and Gretel. Be warned. There is a rape scene in this book. I was prepared so it didn't throw me off. I do appreciate that my mind does prepare me for such scenes. I also appreciate when friends warn me of scenes like that. Criminal minds is a really good show but it certainly gets graphic. But I'm hooked on that show. Back to this duel thoughts. It's an interesting concept. To feel everything and nothing at all kind of thing. I guess as we get older, nothing is quite so black and white. And yet, in the simple answer of things, they are.
Monday, May 23, 2016
There you are. I have been looking for you. I searched, near and far. I couldn't find you. You were there, but you were hidden. Something was obstructing the view perhaps. But I see you. And it makes me happy. And the world seems brighter because there you are. I was in a poetic mood. Life has me thinking in perspectives. Good ones. Bad ones. Interesting ones. Levels help us understand the status of where we are in life. Even if the world doesn't understand what you are doing, do it. Because you believe in it. Make sure it's safe or you're not physically hurting someone. But stand up. Put your foot down. Voice what you believe. I believe this. I understand this. And here I am. There you are. Understanding. It's nice to meet you
Friday, May 20, 2016
The reality of things is an interesting concept. What do I mean like that? Decisions we make affect an outcome. We make decisions. I make decisions for happiness. Sometimes my own. Sometimes for yours. Theories are all good when it is said and done. But they are just that. Theories. They haven't been tested. They haven't been applied. And if you're anything like me, I look at options where the most optimal option is there. Sometimes it seems less....whimsical. Sometimes, it's all about whimsy. But in a structured way. I used to think I was a contradiction in the making. But I like a conversation Jeremy and I had. Sometimes you can feel duel. And so what I feel as contradiction...was simply duel. I'm getting older. So I suppose I am getting this attitude of I'm too old for this shit. In some ways I have more patience of the world. In some ways...I don't. In the end, all I want is to be happy. The reality is all I want is my happiness. On a side note, yesterday is always an interesting day. It's the birthday of one of my dearest friends, "Sunshine". We met in Germany. It's also the deathday of my Grandma. I love that woman. I miss her so much. And also the day I met Woody. Yes. My second ex husband's name is Woody. He looks like Mathew McConaghey. And talks like Woody Harrelson. Let that sink in. I met Woody while in bootcamp. Yes. Me. For such a brief...I don't even count it...I was in the military. PFC First Class. I certainly have had adventures in my life. And I'm not even done. My partner in crime, Jeremy is here alongside me with it. It was nice hearing him say I was his best friend. Maybe he thinks I know so it doesn't need to be said. And in some ways he is right. I feel it. But I have learned the hard way that while I might feel something some way, I might be completely wrong or one changes their mind. Saying it confirms it. Saying it bears the truth you feel. Just thoughts.
Thursday, May 19, 2016
Kinda obsessed with this song.Yes, I have this blaring in the car. And I am belting it out. Next to Selena Gomez's "Hands to Myself"
I was having an interesting conversation about my past with someone. And the idea of someone loving them so much it becomes hate. I pondered if Javier thinks of that with me. Not with me. I'd like to believe I would slam the door on him or hit him with a bat. Dang. I should've kept that bat! But I would help even him. It's in my nature to help another human being. I don't think I would slam my door on anyone, actually. I'm actually only afraid of one person. And even that person, I would help. I wondered if his love has turned to hate. I am sure he has that for CC. It almost stands to reason he does of me. I have come to understand he is considered an overt narcissist. How...sad...Sorry. You'll have to excuse me. I'm snacking on one of my favorite things. It's called Pop Corners. They're Popped Corn chips. I can;t get enough. You know you want some now. Men of Honor from Randy Edelman is on. So how does love become hate? That was something that ran through my mind today. I don't know if I have felt that. If I did...it was towards Javier. That much I can tell you. But I don't hate him. I pity him. He's a monster because he wasn't loved. He raped me because I was a possession, not a person. And someone to control. Almost 40 year old understands this better. 20 something couldn't understand how someone who loved me could do something so horrid to me. Have I ever told you that was my first time? What a way to be introduced to sex. Talk about f*cked in the head. I'm proud of myself for being strong enough not to harm myself. Go me. I may jest but seriously. I am one strong motherf*cker. That's what today's thought brought. Love to hate. What a story.
Tuesday, May 17, 2016
Please don't do that to your loved ones. I was guilty of that a few months ago. I'm not proud of that fact. It happened once or twice. But one is too many. And I was fearful in the last weeks that Jeremy was doing the same. But we talked about the checking out. And for that matter, the checking in. My self doubt is wobbly at times. Sometimes I am okay. And then a whoosh or wave of self doubt just comes over. What happened to the months of hard work? I don't know. Momentary pause. Friend therapist moment. I have a migraine so I take on very little when I feel like this but a sentence or two won't hurt. Back. Keys to the Heart by Danny Wright is on. I don't have much inspiration so here's the fun stuff on my facebook page.
Monday, May 16, 2016
Because sometimes an original plan is something. And then it turns into something else. This was a gift of sorts to a friend. But then, I got it for myself. I don't write affirmations in it every day. I don't write love letters to myself. But when I do, I like reading back and reflecting...and smiling. Because I am writing beautiful words to someone I don't always credit...me.
Yup. I did it. I drank the Kool Aid. I didn't just dork dip. I swam in the deep end. All by myself. My friend "L" has been wanting to take Jeremy and I to a comic con. So what better way then to experience it but on a small scale. Crossroads. Yes. I call that mall Crossroads still has some great events to bring back business to that mall. I went as Ruri Gokou. An anime character that liked to cosplay. Anime inception!!! But I ended up buying a wig and it changed things. Honestly, I didn't think I looked like anyone particular but I was asked to get my picture taken, twice. I kinda felt like a celebrity of sorts lol. "Twinsie" ended up telling me I looked like Jovia Luxar. It was an amazing experience. And then, an unbucket list of sorts. That really, I didn't know was in me. I used to watch an Anime called Naruto. I loved that show. I managed to find some people..some who knew each other. Others, I sort of just asked to be in a photo op with each other. I totally had a fan girl moment. "L" was just happy to witness my insane moment. It was surreal. My inner nerd actually came out, naturally. The day wasn't over with. I ended up going home and hanging with her...gaming. So...Jess. The gamer girl. I told Jeremy about my day and discovered he has never cosplayed. So I told him a want and need is cosplaying with him. Eventually I want to game with him. But I am a console girl and he's more PC. We have to figure that out. Besides, he's studying for the second part of his test. I don't want to mess up his groove with that. We are getting back on track. We're playful with each other. Even with the ugly stuff between. And it felt great for him to admit his part in my hurt. I appreciated that. I gotta open this mouth when I am at my limit or have issues with things. Healthy boundaries and all that shit. I get so...mousy. I want to make people so happy, I forget about my own feelings and needs. Bad Jess. I'm giving platelets tomorrow. I finally have the strength for that. Just a lot going on. But time for resting too. "L" gave me some awesome socks, btw. I've already worn them. I sort of had the Hufflepuff colors going on yesterday. I looked super adorkable. So enjoy the pictures. See that smile come back. I am trying to get out of my comfort zone. I am trying to figure my voice. My confidence will come back in a different way. Gotta try and try and try. How does one kick oneself in the ovaries? It's what I am trying to do. lol No. That is not a discrediting laugh. That is a sincere laugh of figuring all this out. By Drinking the Kool aid!!!
Friday, May 13, 2016
Inspiration, mentor, relations arsenal, emotional sponsor, teacher, friend therapist, older sister, maternal figure, aunt, insightful person, person that checks in with you. These are all different names for me. These are all different roles. This is my purpose. I often wonder my purpose when I have my self doubt moments. But seeing as I am an important part of people's support system, my purpose is to be there for you. Even you, quiet spaces. I am a reference for you. By reading my blog, maybe you think of things to do in your life, or what not to do, seeing as how I might have had a bad experience. It may be as I like to see it, information for the decision tree. It helps to have the information in order to make an accurate enough decision. Whether based on emotional or logical. And here's a bonus. You don't just get me. You get Jeremy. A grounded and logical man. Granted, his logic has a clumsiness to it. But he is a friend for the ages. I am biased. But he is the best friend I could ever have. Man or woman. Above everyone, he is my best friend. And I trust and respect his opinion. Only now, I also trust mine. Slowly. Experiences make us question things. It's up to us to learn from them and react in a positive way. I saw a movie recently that has been told so many times over. But a quote seemed new. And not so new. Have courage. And be kind. What simple but powerful words. I am for you what you need to me every day that you read me.Entertainment. Whether I am just part of your routine day. Whether I am like distant friend where you read my interesting and very raw thoughts and experiences. Whether I am a reference manual. I have different names for anyone and everyone that reads this blog. I have different roles. Whether in this blog or in the real world. I thank you for seeing my value. For seeing I have something to say. I am an eloquent writer in my opinion. I have a way with words. I have been told as such. But I know on my own that I am. And it makes me smile. I will never tire of thanking you for reading my thoughts. I am human. And so I will feel and experience life and its many ups and downs. Whether friendship ups and downs, marriage ups and downs, inner turmoil, or strides in life. And all the in between. And so I write them down. Everlasting Love by Danny Wright is on. So...today I hold my head up high remembering that purpose. Each day is different. Sometimes the inner demons like to fight with me. Sometimes they like to snuggle. I don't know if they will fully be gone. What I do know is that my rape changed me. It defined me. And then it didn't. My story is a story to be told. Whether by word of mouth, blog, or maybe one day writing my experience down. For now, maybe writing a story with adventure is a manifestation of that. Still figuring out that story. There's a story to be told. I just don't know the direction. I guess time will tell.
Thursday, May 12, 2016
A thought occurred to me. Sometimes my love of words and learning could be from over compensating. I've been called dumb, flaky, ditzy, stupid. You get the picture. Coupled with my cognitive limitations or delay, it is a fear to appear dumb. And so I think I overcompensated for it. My intelligence is my insecurity. I base a lot of my worth on how intelligent I am. I don't know math or science. So in that sense I am not the most intelligent person. But I have depth. I have insight. I have wisdom. And marriage of both insight and logic do help me to have this other aspect of intelligence. Emotional intelligence is important. I relate well to people. That is not an easy feat. With so many personalities in the world, it can be difficult to connect with people. And it comes easy to me. Math doesn't. And so in that sense, I am smarter than others. But what does it matter? Why does my intelligence have to be part of what makes me stronger or not? That is a good question. Insecurities can prey on me. And I can run away with them. I've got to learn to appreciate my strong points. And just work on my weaker ones. Learning is always important. Staying open to perspectives is important. That is the thought that was in my mind today. How we overcompensate and how it affects how we react to the world.
Wednesday, May 11, 2016
Last night I was invited to a beautiful event. I went to a Gala with one of my bffs. It wasn't mandatory as indicated by pictures of previous years where I was shown some people made no effort. That was frustrating to me. But that is s personal thought for me about style. A Gala calls for me to make effort on my attire. And effort I made. I was unsure on whether I needed to get another dress. However, I owned one that already was a good fit for the occasion. It was just a matter of dressing it up with the accessories and shoes. DO convinced me to purchase red shoes. And from there we made the outfit. I borrowed a necklace that quite complimented the two reds I was wearing. I found a shawl that I absolutely loved. And even better, was the price! I used my own earrings. I felt amazing in this outfit. And by the look of Jeremy's face. I looked amazing too. He couldn't take his eyes off me. And complimented me. He is starting to compliment more. It pained him that one of his shortcomings hurts me. And so he is making genuine strides to compliment more. He was having his own version. And then he stopped. This is starting again with compliments of how I look and how I am. While I don't necessarily need the affirmation about my physical beauty, it is still nice for my husband to notice how stunning, or beautiful, or sexy I look. I ate very well. It had an upscale vibe for it. I guess that is why I felt disappointed for some not making an effort on their attire. I can be judgmental. I'm not proud of it. But there it is. I am judgmental when people don't make an effort regarding special events. Vibrant Dusk from Deuter is on. This Special Event was nice for me. With some of the chaos happening, it was nice to feel at peace going to this. At one point, I was describing the food to some Sales rep like natural. You thought I was some kind of food critic. It was a nice experience. I feel at peace right now. My heart to heart talks provided certain weight lifted off me. I forgave. I am hoping it doesn't bite me in the butt. But I have faith. I have a forgiving nature. And I am not being my authentic self if I am not forgiving someone. So being at peace is part of that. So is being in love with my husband. And him with me. For better or worse. Those words ring true. Every relationship and ultimately, every marriage finds their jolt where they find out the stuff they are really are made of. Including ours. I am happy that we are finding our way back, but in a new way. I am trying to be bolder, in general. I accommodate so much, I forget about my own feelings, thoughts, wants, needs. I fear that I become too selfish. When really....I am just as entitled to what I am feeling. Every day I will bring my confidence back. It did vanish. And like a skittish kitten, I hesitate again. I do second guess myself in some areas. And then in some, I am bold. It will help to have friends that remind me of my value and worth. Jeremy came up with wise and insightful. I'll take it. I don't claim to be the most intelligent woman. But I do hold onto memories and thoughts that are like references now on when my confidence is shot. I don't hold onto the source. Anyone's opinion of you other than your own opinion is not healthy to put stock into. I hold onto the words themselves. And there are plenty of people that have beautiful words. Including, Jeremy now. It's a matter of where to look for it. His gestures and humility is important. They mean the world to me. So...back to learning about life. I don't have the answers. I am learning as I go too. I don't always feel like adult well. And some days I won't need to. I don't have to be okay every day. And that's okay. I don't always have to know the answers. I don't always have to people either. Giving myself time to recharge and be by myself is wonderful. I get to gather my thoughts. I get to work on my story. I get to color. I get to work on the house. I get to blog. I get to sleep. Because of my Epilepsy, I don't work on the same energy level like others. I do need more sleep than others. It's a way to recharge. How I love my naps. And I should stop giving myself shit for having them. But I am extremely hard on myself. It's me on my own honor system. Such deep thoughts lol