Monday, August 22, 2016
What a difference a year can make. I was looking at the memories thing. I took a big leap and did a transformation today. I became art, so to speak. I became a story. A year ago. I regret a lot. And then, I don't. I, myself, became a more healed person doing my journey. It may not be the journey that anyone can understand or care to. And maybe, somewhere I found out how much I need to love myself. My nature is to give give give give. Maybe I'm tired of giving. Maybe I need to just take. And I can't say that with a straight face. Sighs. It's not my nature. Sometimes I envy those who are selfish. Is that weird? I don't apologize for the person I am. But sometimes, my compassion is what gets me in my messes in life. Sometimes....I care too much. There's more that I share here sometimes than I am with any one person. It's hard to explain. At least it's not pain any more that I am holding back. It's decisions I've made. It's living with my rewards and my consequences. It's dealing with good and bad. I guess I had so much good that I need a little bad. And considering how bad things get with people...I've got first world status. But I'm not in Zen. I'm happy. But I'm not in Zen. And maybe I need that. To learn how to handle that life is a rollercoaster. Better get ready for work. Have a good day. I am considering stopping my blog.
Friday, August 19, 2016
The Elders Scrolls V Skyrim Original Game soundtrack by Jeremy Souele is on. My gamer friends would appreciate that! I've had a couple of them and Jeremy suggest this game. However, I like console better and I like two player or multiplayer. I digress. Today, I got a text from a friend that made me think....to be for others. I imagined how our actions helped others be the best version of themselves. How us, as support systems helped others to fuction. I thought of that...and I smiled. I have a friend dealing with a very important meeting. I have another that has a job that requires the kind of patience and strength that only few have. I have another that is dealing with divorce about many years and full time parenting at this point. And that is just a handful that need ..guidance?insight? feedback? My take? My voice of reason? I don't know if if have a word for it yet, really. I got more sleep. It seemed my body was more tired than I let on. I live for those, they're not even naps...just a way to give my body permission to be still. Almost a version of meditation for me? Sometimes music is on. Sometimes it's not. Sometimes I'm watching something. Sometimes I am actually sleeping. My thoughts slow down. I'm sometimes somewhere else. I'm sometimes still right there but truly see my present state. I hope you get to be for others. I hope there are others that depend on you. Personally, it's a good feeling. I love the feeling. That others depend on me. Whether for insight or for that certain positive energy to get them through. It's why I love my job. To be for others...I hope you get the chance to be for others.....If not. I hope you find a way. Because, I have those that I seek out when the sun doesn't set right. And instead of being that beautiful Unicorn that I am, I just feel like a horse that stabs. That's when I depend on them to remind me that I have a sparkle in me. I am a badass. I am amazing. I am, actually. The insane badass things that I do. That includes wife. Dork face has trouble saying them. But his actions remind me how grateful and happy he is to be my husband. When I am in that dark place, the beautiful words I need more. When I am back to normal, they're nice...but not necessary. I am happy I am in a better head space to say that. Now, to get my day going. I have a big week ahead of me next week. I am excited and nervous about my new assignment.
Thursday, August 18, 2016
The truth is...I'm still figuring out the kinks in this thing called life. Blogs are not necessarily because people are experts. Certainly, when I started this blog, it was an extension of some version of a diary. I invited you in on some of my inner thoughts. Were all my thoughts right? No. Were all my thoughts wrong? No. They were my thoughts. And by choice, you decided to read one or more than one of my thoughts. I read one blog. And that's the friend who inspired me to blog. She was going through some life changes. And her very raw and very vulnerable writing reminded me that writing this is very vulnerable. At any point, without my knowledge, you're judging me. And really, it's okay. I'm almost 40. You won't be the first person to judge me. I'm sure you won't be the last. I just got tired. I don't have the energy to care what someone thinks. I respect feedback. I respect others' opinion. But you haven't been in my shoes. You haven't lived my story. Whether wrong or right, it's the journey I chose to take. I take the rewards and consequences. It is something to think about when someone has an opinion about your life. Even someone close to you. Now, with that...it doesn't mean to be an asshole about it. There is still respect to be made. More often than not, people interpret that as a way to be assholes. It isn't always easy to rationalize things out like this. And I can tell you...I still struggle separating emotions versus logic. At least in some aspects of my life. But knowing that I struggle with this, I learn every day how to improve. Failing is failing to try. I heard that from a movie I saw the other day. The best exotic Marigold hotel. I love quotes. Criminal Minds gives me plenty to write down. It's almost too much. One day I can go back on IDMB and check out some of the quotes. In the meant time, I am off to work. I start a new schedule next week. I am excited and nervous. I hope you have a sparkling day.
Wednesday, August 17, 2016
I wrote two poems yesterday. I hadn't written anything in awhile. I felt on some emotional space, writer's block. My head was somewhere else. But what I learned is that I have to be the one in control of how I react to my world. And that is no easy task for me sometimes. Here it is. My poetry
You cannot win
You think you do
I see that smile
I feel that sneer
There are battles I lose
But the war I wage
My confidence, thy Queen
is well worth every dragon I slay
It's my voice that slays the dragon
It's my thoughts that make me bleed
I am my own hero
I am also my worst enemy
But tomorrow I wake
a new perspective in place
Hope...in the hoope
that one day I'll free myself of my chains
shackles I can't even explain
a prison I don't know existsand stand on my own two feet and say
I AM MORE THAN ENOUGH
The monster within unravels
It comes through the thoughts
It bites through the good
The sword to fight is empowerment
Beautiful words to tell myself
Love letters to blanket the bullets of pain
that came through from the word that rings true
Someone was a bully
Fight back. Fight free
But do this
Don't become your own bully
That is the worst of them all
Tuesday, August 16, 2016
I was having that conversation with a friend the other day. I have had foodgasms before. Sometimes, I experience life on another plane. Most of time, I love that I do. I get to feel life on another level. It does become annoying or sometimes painful at times. Food is art. Describe the food to yourself. It doesn't always have to be the fru fru food. You might be able to afford. But just what does it do to make you happy? Today's food did. I went to Wise Guys Chicago Eatery. I had a cheesesteak, Chili Cheese fries, and a cannoli. I couldn't finish the fries. But I absorbed the happiness of this heart attack. I don't eat like this very often so I figured it was okay for the wanna be heart attack eating to commence. We live one life. It is important to be healthy. It is important to take care of ourselves and health. But once in a while...we need to just go nuts. Like I did today. Food is art.
Monday, August 15, 2016
It was something on my mind today. Online versus reality. Facebook, instagram, and other vehicles of social media create an image of us to the world. Question is...do we mean to only show the best version of us or fake? As a post the other day, I pondered that question. Is it airing laundry?Or is it simply being honest? If someone is a certain way are they being an asshole? Or just being honest or themselves? Or are you being negative or are you telling it like it is? Perspective might be the most important clue to this. And is either one really wrong or write. Is it one or the other, or both? Even people. They might show certain sides to themselves to only certain people. People we work with? People we are married to? People who have different levels of friendship. Is it walls that we need to push down or wait for others to push them down themselves? Or is it being authentic as much as you can, at all times. The truth is...I don't know anymore. All I know is my path. And even that path is a little wonky at times. But I have a responsibility to myself for my path. And that's it. Sometimes I feel like a walking reference manual. You take my experiences and figure how the relate to your experience of what to do...or not to do. Or not accept any of what I say. That's an option too. We all take different paths. This is just the one I know to take. Whisperchill by Liquid Mind is on.
Friday, August 12, 2016
Be stubborn for someone you love. When I feel like I am in some kind of a funk sometimes, my group, tribe if you will is quick to help. I don't like using that word for personal reasons but it sounds better than squad. I sound like Taylor Swift. Normally I don't have a problem. These days I don't know how I feel. So... tribe...They are stubborn and they make me laugh, put music on my phone, text me inspirational things, tell me beautiful words, and otherwise are just there. Sometimes in that funk I want to ask why? When, really the answer is simple. Because they care. I have the core . But even those who I don't speak every day with, but have a solid friendship with...Be stubborn. Be the stubborn friend. Be the stubborn loved one. A support system is so important. I am so grateful for mine.
Thursday, August 11, 2016
Sometimes our worst enemy is us. Our mind plays tricks on us. That's why sometimes we rely on others for voice of reason. I know I do. I have thoughts right now. I don't know if they are true. I have questions I don't think are getting answered truthfully. But is it .."all in my head". I've heard those words before. Or that I am assuming things. I've heard that one too. How about ....you don' know what you're talking about. or the best one of all....someone else puts words in my mouth. And the worst part wasn't that it was "all in my head". It was that I was right...but it didn't pay to be right. My worst enemy is me. I fight daily this inner demon of doubt. What's hard for anyone to understand about rape is that long after what's happened physically. It's the psychological. We move on. You move on. I'm still trying to catch up. I play two roles. I play the adult you've expected me to be. I play the warrior person who is so strong. But then, the fraud of the person that I still encompass spills out. And days when I am questioning my every move...that's when I see the broken, beaten down version of me. Do you know how hard it is to fight back, even myself? I admire how any survivor, survives. I know too many survivors of abuse for my own good. And frankly, even when they are wrong how they cope...they key is they coped. You stand in our shoes. You stand where we have had a man take control away from us, simply because he thinks it's his right. Society has already let us know how we don't amount to the same thing as a man. It's almost understandable in some perverse twisted disturbing way that a man would see us less than equal. So yes, I am my worst enemy because I have power over my own confidence. And sometimes I crush my own confidence. But let me be the one to do that I will not have any man have that much power over me. I have to learn the confidence I sometimes have. When I am on my A game, I am such badass. But sometimes it's okay to just be me, warts and all.
Wednesday, August 10, 2016
I had an inspiration for a blog entry. And then I didn't feel like writing it. I don't feel like writing, period. No poetry. No story. No blog. Maybe, I figure I will go through the motions of certain things. It's what I do. If I were looking at me, I wouldn't think this is the healthiest way to handle it. But I have learned something about coping. I am not in your shoes. And you're not in mine. Any decisions you make, while I may not understand them or agree...or what you will feel the rewards or consequences. According to Google, I am depressed. I'm trying to figure that one out. Is it chemical? Is it outside variables? And if I choose to be happy, does that still make me sad? I'm a badass. But I am not an overt one. I'm like a stuntperson. You see the performance but you don't see the behind the scenes. In fact, maybe I make sure that some of my best things won't be noticed. Maybe that's weird. After all, I've been accused of an attention seeker. In fact, sometimes the worse insults have come from the most unlikely places. The only thing I know...is what I know of me...,at least on most day. Today, all I know is that I am Jess. I love making people smile and laugh. I'm compassionate. I'm silly. I love laughter. I love music. I love dancing. Maybe my version of shutting down is just letting people get the shell, the surface of me. Not the core. And for most, that might just be enough. And here is another thing...what if life goes chaotic because of thoughts colliding at different paces. My stream of thought, today
Tuesday, August 9, 2016
I had two random conversations. Both made my day. The first one, a woman, must have seen my face. I had a sullen face. I had things on my mind. And all she said is morning. I told her thank you. And then, in the strangest of things to say...she said. Sometimes we just need to hear we are appreciated...you never know when it will make their day. I told her she just had. The second one was at the library. I had thrown away a coloring book. And so I needed to replace it. I am all about symbolism. And while there I met Dr. Spencer Reid's doppelganger.Swoon The Universe knew something. Coloring always helps me feel better. And so I did that. Work has been slow this week. I would've taken a shift yesterday but I had a dr's appointment. Normally, I am given the random acts. But instead, I received them. It was a beautiful experience. So there it is. My interesting day yesterday. I don't have much thoughts going. At least ones I choose to write about. I hope your day is spectacular.
Monday, August 8, 2016
Most of this is on my wall. I usually feel sparkly but today...eh. So I posted that most days I feel like a sparkling Unicorn. Today, I feel like a horse that stabs lol
Enjoy the pictures
It's Jeremy's and my friendaversary. I think this was our first picture with his new account. Or mine.
It's funny. In one moment, a domino effect can happen. It's easy to blow up. Cowards blow up. Believe me. I was a coward in the past. My anger for the sh*t that I got in my life would spew unto people who deserved it...and others that didn't it. I was an equal opportunity bitch. Then, Jeremy happened. Let's just saw the taming of the shrew experience. He holds the key to me toning down. Whether I like to admit it or not. Whether he even deserves it. I don't always think Jeremy deserves it. But I have learned for better or worse really goes a long way. We've had more better than worse, for sure. I can't imagine doing this marriage thing with anyone else. And I like him 90-95% of the time. But in all of this, I take a step back...and I choose. I choose to give people the shine and sparkle. I choose to be a positive impact on a person's life. I haven't succeeded on if you don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything at all. That's still a work in progress. And then you have the other fun of who is telling the truth? Am I? Is my blog full of half truths and lies? Or just giving thoughts and spew in my head. That's something to think about. I'd like to think I am walking on truth, authenticity, and other open perspective as much as possible. But really, I could be full of sh*t. I'm sure a handful of people think that. So what am I trying to say? I have no idea. This wave of thought is just going forward. I'm not even thinking twice about what I type. Life is like a hurricane. I loathe country now. I actually used to like it. But when I like the Angry Carrie Underwood and Miranda Lambart songs...and wouldn't mind smashing a car...in my head...it's time to get a drink and take off the edge. or take a chill pill. For a gift once, I got a bat. Yes. A bat. Long story. I gave it away. It went to a good cause. But the reason I gave it away was because I felt compelled not to symbolic have the bat. In my head, I felt it put me on the other side of something I didn't believe in. But I choose with every fiber of my being not to be angry at the world. Some days are easier. Most days I like people. But even a person like me can't people certain days. But I put on my big girl panties...and face the world. Now, shoo....And go be awesome. The Great Divide by Breaking Benjamin is on. I wasn't in a Pandora kind of mood. They're good. A bit depressing. But good. I hope you have enjoyed my you tube selection of music. I really like putting them up now.
Sunday, August 7, 2016
This is my new favorite song. Just saw the movie. Screw the critics. I loved it!! A childhood memory happiness in the box thing. And a kick ass song that reminds me...of me lol
Friday, August 5, 2016
I love this song.
Don't apologize for the person you are. That is not to say don't apologize if you're a jerk. What I mean is...be that original person. Be the best version of yourself. There will be people that try bring you down. Why? It's simple and sad...all at the same time. They aren't loved enough, sexed enough, massaged enough. They aren't hugged enough. Somewhere, life hasn't shown them the right kind of affection and they then react to the world out of anger that they didn't get that said affection. From Bullies to killers. Once in a while you get a horrible person for the sake of being horrible, despite affection. But usually, it's because the lack of love. Just an observation. I am Mozart of friendship. Somehow, I befriend the span of so many different personalities. It's a gift. I see that now. Or as Jeremy called it yesterday...a super power. He's convinced, even in jail, I would make friends. Go figure. I have strange conversations with that man. I love it. I love the friendship I have with him. He pisses me off and sometimes hurts me. But he's also that person whom would have my back in a second. So...as your friend....Yes. I see this as friendship. I don't need to know every detail of you. I just need to be here for you. As comfort. As entertainment. As a smile you need today. Or a laugh. My quiet spaces, I am here for you. I'll be honest. At first I was wondering if one reader read this. That was my hope. Then...suddenly it was bigger than that. It was about all of you. Whether you read one entry. Or you read every day. I want bring some happiness to your life. I want you to remember how special you are. That some of you are avengers. Some of you are heroes. Some of you are protectors. Some of you are survivors. Whatever it is that you are, you make the world a better place. Because you give a damn. You act on that giving a damn. Whether a small gesture...or something more grand. I am Willing by Liquid Mind. How fitting. I always want to be a positive impact on your life. I love writing in my blog. It brings me such a peace. Do I have a perfect life? Far from it. But I have a good one. I have friends that love me. I have parents that love me. I have a husband that loves me. I have my kids that love me. I have a job that respects me. I've been lucky to feel the love. And when I haven't...I imagine it's more of a reflection on the lack of love for them....than me. That love is my protection. And I carry it with me, always. Be that shine.
Thursday, August 4, 2016
Some people come into your life and you don't know the impact they will have. If I had had a little brother, Little One would fit the bill. We started off badly. Let's just say some head butting took place. I mean, literally. But we developed a friendship. And somewhere along the way, we saw each other as this odd version of brother and sister. I felt protective and maternal towards, like it was something I was supposed to do. And I love the friendship he has with Jeremy. He's back in town. That boy is loved by so many people. Because...Little One. It's funny how you don't know how they will impact your life. He came in by chance because he was dating one of my close friends at the time. But she was a lousy friend. And I felt used by her. So when they broke up, Jeremy and I took sides. We picked him. He also opened up a whole new social circle for us. We're the oldest of the group. I call us the grandma and grandpa of the youngens. But it was something a friend of mine and I were discussing. She's about 4 years younger than me but still one of the older members. The young ones are growing up. Some of gotten married. Some have had a baby. Some of gotten new jobs. Some have moved to a new place. The evolution of a person is interesting to see. I'd say we have been friends with most of this group for 3 years or so. And in those 3 years, so much has changed. There is a feeling of family in a very strange place. The haunting ground that we all go to. It's his home away from home. It's like Cheers, but cooler. lol It always reminds me of Halloween, actually. But there is a feeling of family at that place. We don't go out much like that because responsibilities and fun stuff like that. We can't stay out all hours of the night. But we were able to chill and enjoy having our boy home. Because...Little One. I love that kid. He's 27 but all I see is a kid brother lol
Wednesday, August 3, 2016
Even as terrible as Javier is, past my inner thoughts. I don't wish him harm. Don't wish people bad things. I don't understand why anyone would. They are still human beings. Terrible examples of human beings. But we stoop to their level. And we can become bad like them. And we are much better than that. I received some news that an ex friend might be going to the military. She actually reached out to her ex boyfriend, of all people, to find out more information. The ex boyfriend happens to be my friend. I can't imagine her in the army. Neither could Jeremy. But I hope it works out. This ex friend was a user. It's why I removed her from my life. She was the kind of person that if I had pain or something wrong went int my life, she felt better about it. That's just negative energy. And she was a negative nancy. At least make an effort to look for positive. I can't imagine her in the army. But I hope it works out. This may be exactly the thing she needs to turn her life around. I guess that's why I do...is it judge? Is that the word I'm looking for. Am I judging someone because they would want bad for another person? I get inner thoughts. I've had them of Javier. I want him to suffer emotionally. I want him to feel pain. It just seems like bad karma to want that for people. The hard part was hearing it out of someone's mouth I respect. I looked at this person and had a very different perspective of them? I kept trying to ask myself...am I overreacting? Wanting that reflects on the kind of person you are. I'm no angel. I'm no saint. So I'm not sitting here on a pedestal. I feel bad for judging. But I am. It doesn't stop me from talking to said person. But it does tell me something about the person. And it's not good. And that makes me sad
Tuesday, August 2, 2016
Yesterday was surreal. I feel like I am just getting my head back together. I was such a bold person. And yet, I did it in a fabulous and fierce way. I just seemed fearless. It was making CC smile, and giggle with all of her anxiety going on because she felt her mom present. Honestly, I kept thinking..."Where am I getting the balls to act like this?!" Because really, I was shaking inside. Javier is just one person. But that manipulative bastard knows how to play people. He looks so clean cut. And if we don't watch it, in the past...we've looked like bulls in china shops. It may not feel like she won. But in so many ways, she won battles. They just weren't all in the courtroom. It is frustrating to watch your friend having to prove herself. But the best thing I can be for her, is her strength. She can do this because of me. She has told me so. And I can stand up and be a beacon of something...hope for her? At the very least, I provide a very stark reminder to Javier that he can't beat people down. If looks could kill when he realized whom he was opening the door to. I kept my voice steady. I didn't want to react. I simply said thank you. And looked him in the eyes. Direct contact. Talk about brazen and bold. I had to pass him again when I threw away my trash from the coffee the judge offered. He still has his telltale signs of being under stress. I can't even tell you what it means that I can do this for her. And the cathartic feeling it's giving me to stand up to him, in my crazy Jess way. It did drain me yesterday. I started shaking earlier when I had lunch with one of my best friends. Speaking of best friends....I was supported. Two of them were constantly texting me. And one I was with. And after work, Jeremy and I went to dinner and I got a drink. I needed one badly. He's my rock. I told him this morning I felt very supported by him. That made him happy. So...this year, I definitely did a face your fear challenge, like no other.Even Now from 2002 is playing. It sounds a little like If God was one of us. I digress. The only sad part to all of it was my memories thing from facebook. Two years ago I was at a play on that day. I can't lie. I feel the pain of certain friendships gone. Intellectually, I accept what unfolded. And in some strange way, I don't regret things happening. The good, the bad, and the oh shit....wtf. Life happened. One makes decisions. Sometimes they are good. Sometimes they are bad. You live with your decisions. But it doesn't stop me from sighing...from loss. I guess knowing that distinction of what intellectually I know, and emotionally I know helps to deal with the pain and loss. Some people are not meant to stay. And that's okay.
Monday, August 1, 2016
I went to court with CC again. TODAY. Yes. The day he raped me. Dickwad had to open the door for me. How's that for karma? It was difficult. The system doesn't always work for the right person. But in the end. Justice will prevail. Truths will come out. What a day. So much emotions. So much that CC and I were feeling today. But I am so glad that I could be. I wish I could say more. Maybe one day I will.