Wednesday, September 30, 2015

A new look on the past

It's such a beautiful experience developing a friendship with Her.  She gets the small stories.  The wonders.  The demon voices.  We experienced different aspects of his monstrosity.  But nonetheless, survivors of the insanity of an unhealthy environment.  I am having to relive memories.  I am going back 6 years worth of memories trying to make sense of them from a different perspective.  It's cathartic and slightly depressing at times because I don't know what was real or not, if anything.  Or maybe that it was real but that part of trying to understand how a person can love me...and hurt me so much.  I couldn't understand a friend saying I was a delicate flower.  But as I stepped back to really understand what they were saying it dawned on me.  If I think too much of how delicate I really am...I might just surrender to the pain that has been stuck inside of me for so long.  And that's why it's hard to cry.  or I beat myself up for it.  I'm afraid if I just let go and cry this out I will really have to face that horror.  That horror of someone telling me almost every day how truly stupid and unworthy I was.  I'm off.  I'm ditzy.  The truth is it was easier to let him say it then explain my developmental disability has me process things at a slower or different pace.  I still process at a different pace these days but I have learned how to get through conversations and reading much better.  It's why I hunger for learning.  It's why I am fascinated by words.  And excitedly and happily accept when someone wants to have an intellectual conversation.  I feed off of that learning.  It's like recharging my soul.  One of the things I finally admitted aloud which I have been denying...even to myself.  I love him.  Not loved him.  I never stopped loving him.  He was a big part of how I grew up.  Much of the person I came to be was because he wanted this person of me and I rebelled and wouldn't show it was truly in me.  He didn't deserve to see the beautiful person I am.  I may swear and be raunchy and sometimes be the most inappropriate person. I am like this even with parents lol.  I am unapologetic for the person I have become.  Take me or leave me.  I want to be authentic me.  I am most of the time.  I temper myself because I'm an accommodating person or that the most tactful thing is not to fully reveal my authentic self.  But for the select few that get to see the raw and beautiful mess that I am...they are the lucky few.  I don't hide myself from them.  I don't have to.  I am free to be me.  And that is a beautiful feeling.  His voice fights my new voices.  My husband and one of my best friends occupy that space more.  But here and there when I dismiss the contribution I bring to the world...there he is.  His voice telling me they're lying.  That it's not possible for them to see that I am this intelligent being.  That my insight is incredible.  That men would revel in my much as my body.  I'm imagining things.  If he couldn't see it...why would these men who are accomplished and intelligent see that in me? But every day I fight that voice.  Every day I wake up and say...You're not going to win, Javier.  My best revenge is living a full life.  At this point...yes I am crying...but I don't even apologize for that.  Thanks, JB lol I need the metaphorical kick in the a$$.  This new reprogramming of my mindset will take time.  26 years of that will not go away overnight.  But I am having a new look on the past.  And I am ready to change that perspective.

Tuesday, September 29, 2015

The dream of wholeness

That is a surreal dream.  But as I have replayed the events of this weekend I got to thinking that might be an attainable dream now.  I had anchors and unconditional acceptance and love from Jeremy and them.  And yet, there was this sense that I was alone at times.  That voice is strong with negative emotions.  It was getting better because the voices were changing.  Jeremy and another friend help occupy that voice now.  But HIS voice invades my thoughts.  And here was this beautiful soul that I was looking at. Now talking to and the similar story..from the similar monstrosity helped to confirm so many things that helped me to capture this want of wholeness.  This idea of actively taking steps to have this wholeness.  It's a new dream for me.  I have much healing to do.  So does she.  But this is a surreal dream.  It's like some strange movie. But it's my life.  Tune in for more adventures? lol I'm intrigued on where this road will take me.  On the roads that I am embarking on, in general.  I embrace this chapter.  I embrace what I will feel.  I will embrace the emotions that come along with it, the good and bad.  The roller coaster ride that is my life.  I guess it really is never a dull moment with me. lol I am slowly but surely seeing the contribution I bring to this world.  I'm fucking amazing actually.  I just don't always give myself credit that I am.  That's not an overnight change.  I've spent the last 20 years blaming myself emotionally for feeling this bad.  That somehow, me being different, thinking differently is why this happened to me.  I colored outside the lines.  This is what happens when someone does.  It's f*cked up. I know.  I can recognize that.  But that's the kind of mind games I endured.  I am just now revealing to people the kind of things said to me. Why the word stupid triggers me.  I can handle dumb or idiot all day long.  I can be feisty with those words all day.  But stupid stops me in my tracks.  It's like I freeze.  Positive reinforcement is important to me.  It helps to create a new mindset.  I try to work on that.  And I also try to help others see that about themselves.  So let's see how the dream of wholeness will unfold.

Monday, September 28, 2015


She had answers. She had answers to questions  I hadn't asked yet. 20 years. He really is a monster. And while I want to feel bad about the man behind the monster she said...more like boy. At some point you have to be accountable for your actions.  Yes. Your past molds those experiences and behaviors. But you still have to be accountable.  It's eerie to know we had much of the same mind games. Two survivors of the same monster. I can't believe our paths met. Thank you, Universe.

Friday, September 25, 2015

Bring on the day

It's been a long week. I can just sense it. However,  it's  Friday.  Relish in that thought. You got this. If nothing else, you came here to the blog to receive some encouragement.  I believe in you. I don't even have to know who reads this. I believe in you because once that mindset changes for positive...things change. So go take on the world. Bring on the day!

Thursday, September 24, 2015

The beauty in rhythm

Something for me in having a rhythm creates contentment.  I function better with a regularity about things.  I've often joked around stability is sexy to me.  After the lifetime moments I have had I like the beauty in quiet vanilla stability.  Too much chaos creates a sense of a tornado.  I can handle chaos.  I'm a rather strong individual.  And sometimes rather than walk away from a touch situation, I walk right towards it.  I find that my daring side really gets the better of me.  But for the most part, it has served me well.  And I am learning how much of that I can take in.  Rhythm is the word for the day.  It's okay to color out of the lines. I do that well!!! But there is method to the madness.  And Rhythm is just as important.  It's almost about finding balance in that rhythm.  Because at the end of the day you have to ask yourself if you are happy with that schedule, job, school, marriage, friendship, parenting, sexuality, mindset...well you get the picture.  And how much you are willing to stick with.  Strategic living? You don't want to settle.  But you also see what your rhythm is.  And honestly, while you can get beautiful feedback and insightful....always receive the rewards and benefits.  You receive the punishment or consequence.  Just a thought.  I'm learning to find this rhythm.  And right this very couldn't get much better.  Improvement is good.  Forward goals and thinking is important.  But I am content at this very moment. And I see the beauty in rhythm.

Wednesday, September 23, 2015

One encouraging word at a time

It's a thought.  Whether a friend or a stranger. Changing the world, one encouraging word at a time. It's a beautiful feeling to encourage somone. You might make their entire day. You might be the turning point where they needed a perk or an emotional sponsor or cheerleader. Even...for a second. You never know. I'll go first. Thank you for taking the time to read this. I feel special that one person reads this blog. I get flabbergasted when I see double digits. my reader, my audience. You are a beautiful soul gor getting a dailt affirmation.  Maybe this is part of your down tim. Whatever reason you tead, you're awesome sauce!  Blame a best friend of mine. They have a wicked and wonderful influence on me. Come to think of it...all the best friends do. I love my tribe.

Tuesday, September 22, 2015


If you ever wonder if they exist I am going with yes.  And my argument and reasoning is I am one.  It's a bold statement to say. Right? I must have the confidence to believe I inspire people.  This weekend I got a metaphorical kick in the *** to remind me how much I inspire people.  I think I need that type of knock some sense into me every once in a while/  I think all people need friends that are willing to do that. I inspire people to remember just how incredible and amazing people they are.  I inspire people to recognize their worth.  I inspire vixens and badasses.  And while Jeremy sometimes cannot quite process the madness to my method...I inspire him.  He is an incredible man.  But he might have struggled more in dealing with the world if not for a muse like me.  I am his goddess.  Wow. I said that aloud.  When you help change the voice in your head, it helps to learn what words can do to you and for you.  The voice in my head did change.  Granted, the ugly little demon voices are going to spout up.  But this voice, sometimes in male form. Sometimes in female form reminds me that I am this incredible woman that deserves nothing but the best.  That I am worth the best.  To grab life by the horns.  Not every day will be a series of adventures that press beyond a boundary.  Maybe conversations can be adventures.  But then you have days where you venture out and you do things.  That's something I have absolutely loved about my love story with Jeremy.  I bring the inspiration or create the idea of the adventure.  But together we take the adventure.  Hand in hand.  And have those memories.  And then you have soul adventures.  And soul travelers with you.  The kind you can't figure how in the world they know the inner workings of your mind or soul. But there they are.  Getting you.  When you have friends like that.  You are rich beyond belief.  When they accept the beautiful mess you are.... And trust me. I'm a mess sometimes. And that's okay.  You have everything.  I would die happy right now.  I am older so I do think about mortality.  And what I have learned is that I have done enough crazy adventures that I can't regret that.  I have loved. I have lost.  I have loved again.  I can't regret that.  I have met amazing souls and brilliant individuals. I can't regret that.  I have parents that love me.  Even my father with his clumsy ways.  I have children that love me, even if I am not their biological mother.  I am adored.  By more than one person.  I can't regret that.  Even my condition has had a positive impact.  I have been able to help people.  I have healing hands.  And while I wasn't able to professionally gain something from it.  I know how to help people in that sense too, just by my hugs and my touch.  I calm people. Me.  Goofy and rare me.  I flit like an affirmation fairy with my whimsical love.  I am this rare unicorn that exists in this reality.  I am different.  And that's wonderful.  I sometimes will feel like it's a bad thing.  But I will have anchors to grab my hand and stop me from that thought) I will cry it out. Because crying is not a bad thing.  It helps get the toxins out.  I will brush off the negativity. I am human.  I don't need to be perfect...and strong....all the time.  And not being strong...does not make me weak.  Something to remember.  So if I need to be your muse by this blog, well I will spread my whimsical love.  Because you never know how beautiful and contagious and poetic that could be.  That by some beautiful, , kind, and inspirational words we changed the world and its mindset.  Here I am, your muse. A very happy and at peace muse.

Monday, September 21, 2015

Oh, the comfort zone

This weekend I decided to get out of my comfort zone.  Comfort zones are safe but you don't feel the exhilaration and feeling of accomplishment by stepping out of your boundaries.  First off, it's important to establish what those boundaries are so you can allow yourself a stopping point if you need one.  I got an unbucket off my list.  I went kayaking.  The experience with Jeremy was beautiful.  Outdoors makes him happy.  I did it first for him.  But as time went by...I did it for me. I did it for all the times I didn't stop my boundaries because I left it to someone.  This time I understand that I have the power to step out of my boundaries to say what I am and am not comfortable with.  And I got some sense knocked into me about why I have this power.  Because I am worth it.  Because I am this adventurous spirit who is willing to color outside the lines.  Now, I recognize that I will need another metaphorical kick in the butt.  This mindset is years deep.  I have crawled and climbed to thrive in a beautiful setting.  I am a beautiful survivor.  But in everyday settings, I have moments.  It's a common thing.  But I have amazing anchors.  And when your husband tries to timidly give you the feels you know that you are voicing what you want.  I also needed to realize that I wasn't seeing certain things because of our missteps.  It's like that sometimes.  This weekend was good for Jeremy and I.  We have struggles like any other couple. But I think we are way ahead of the game.  Jeremy and I talk to each other rather candidly.  And we appreciate that truth between us.  I also understood part of his job yesterday!! He was telling me about his test and I was able to confirm what he was saying.  It was a rather awesome feeling!!! I am beyond happy right now.  I feel at peace inside.  I hope you can feel the peace I feel.  That life is as it should be.  The chaos.  The dark beauty. That dark beauty that helps you see the light.  The jagged edges and coloring outside the lines.  Sometimes that coloring outside the lines is the sanity we do need.  I need to remember that in order to sometimes get through this life to color outside the lines. I am a unicorn. A rare species of beautiful chaos.  And for that I need to color outside the lines to handle the straight lines.  Coloring inside the lines isn't bad.  It's just not me. And at least I can acknowledge and own up to that.  Oh, the comfort zone.

Friday, September 18, 2015


Well...Where do I start? I realized with the last couple of days friends needing me I needed to recharge.  Regroup so to speak.  What I didn't realize is how much I needed to.  For two reasons, actually.  One is adjusting to a new normal.  It's a necessary new normal.  Too many complications make for a bumpy roller coaster ride.  It doesn't mean I don't mourn it somehow, in my own way.  Probably because I may never really get answers to questions I haven't even figured out myself yet.  And the other is having a flashback last night.  With Jeremy's studying for this important test I want to be able to help him relieve stress or just be there for him.  It was Thursday night and in a cute way it is a thing he looks forward to because he gets so involved with the studying.  But last night triggered something.  Not nearly as bad as last time.  Last time sent me to counseling.  Something I should have done long before that.  But crying on the bathroom floor does make me wonder what was happening to me.  I was already vulnerable to dealing with the new normal.  90% of me is good.  It's that 10% that's getting me in trouble.  And something happened the other day to make me lose my footing.  I was keeping things in a neat little box.  I had a system.  And boom.  And I feel like I have to start over to create this box.  Then, the flashback.  It was more of an emotional memory.  I can't remember details.  I just remember having this feeling of "serving" to survive? Luckily, I have anchors.  Some know the full extent of why I felt like I was having an emotional breakdown.  Some knew part of the story.  Either way, the anchors help to keep me afloat and not fall into the black hole.  My rabbit holes make it easier for the "that voice" to come out.  I'm still trying to figure whose voice it is.  I guess I will always assume it is Javier.   I'm glad I am not of the school of thought of self harm.  But I can see how people get there.  I see the psychology of it...if that makes sense.  So here I am. Vulnerable.  Jeremy couldn't understand why I write this blog and tell intimate details of my thought.  I always saw it as a way of to help someone.  My thoughts are not unique here.  I'm sure many people have felt this. It's just not something we talk about.  Mental health is just not a topic we discuss in society.  It would help to remove the stigma.  Because I do feel alone in this right now.  And I shouldn't.  I have people who are willing to listen.  Willing to be there for me.  As morbid as this sounds, I recognize I will be missed dearly when I die.  I am loved.  That is not even a question.  But these negative thoughts rage on.  They get the best of me sometimes.  Which is why sometimes I need to block the world out and listen to music.  Although, today did have the Oh Geez..these songs are speaking to me.  Especially a certain band I hadn't even known existed until recently.  Then the positive takes a shot and my intellectual side reminds me, this too shall pass.  I refer to as detoxing.  The emotion, in and of itself,  is not a bad one. But my handling of it has been.  I've learned that I need a manual.  I need structure of things.  I sometimes grumble that Jeremy is so emotionally closed off at times.  Then, I thank him for it because it helps me to have thicker skin and force myself to push things off.  It's actually a good system.  It sounds bad. I know.  But having an emotionally unavailable man in my case can be a good thing.  The good part is that Jeremy does have his moments where he lets go.  And those are moments I cherish.  And that man loves me immensely.  So writing this is therapeutic.  I will probably cry more today. I already have.  I mourn something that might have mostly been in my head.  I mourn an unknown.  Or not. I don't know anymore.  The good part out of all that messiness is something so substantial it's worth all this painful process.  It's the most important part of why I have to detox.  So there you have it...the thoughts in my head right now.  I feel a little mental right now.  But there is a light at the end of this tunnel.  And that tunnel is what I am holding on for dear life.  When something is worth it, you just get through the process.

Thursday, September 17, 2015

Too much serious

I had a different blog topic picked out.  I was going to to discuss comfort zones and pushing myself to release myself from the chains of a comfort zone.  But too much serious.  Instead, I will talk about nothing really.  Sometimes nothing is exactly what you need.  We run through life like chicken without heads.  We're sleep deprived. We don't treat ourselves right.  Much less other people sometimes. A conversation with a friend brought up they made a show about nothing.  So nothing is something.  Sometimes you're nothing is something.  Because you helped yourself to get back to you.  Too much serious can make a person mad.  And crazy is functional but mad is something else.  So nothing, it is.

Wednesday, September 16, 2015

No sunlight

When some days you feel like you give... and give..and give And you just feel like you've been strung. I don't want to be happy voice today. I don't feel like spouting positive. Maybe this is too much to ask from the world. That they think before they act. Or maybe no sunlight has done enough damage on me. Time to unplug. If I can. I try so hard to connect with the world. But when I feel this way..I never know how to proceed. Other than....unplug.

Tuesday, September 15, 2015


I am in a poetic mood of sorts.  Did I ever tell you how much I love poetry? And Opera.  And the violin.  Where did I get this side of me? I love the Trinity Knot. It's my version of a cross.  I love the claddagh symbol.  I'm a whimsical person.  I recognize I have to be an adult sometimes but I'm a Unicorn, rare and unique. I love tea, and coffee, and cats, and wine. And chandeliers. Books make me happy.  Music does something for my soul.  Friendship is everything to me. Especially since some friendships are family to me.  I love unconditionally.  I love Jeremy.  I am without a doubt so in love with that man, it's ridiculous.  I'm also in love with fairy tales.  Places that maybe only exist in my head. Maybe only people that exist in my head too.  I love Burgandy.  And Purple.  I still don't know how I don't own a tiara.  Fans make me nervous sometimes but I have learned to live with that anxiety.  I have strange anxieties.  But I at least know why they are there.  I loathe the word victim.  Yes. I am a rape victim. But I survive...and thrived.  I try to live life as authentic as I can.  As truthful as I can.  I don't lie very well.  I experience life in such a childlike wonder.  Food makes me...erm happy.  We'll go with happy.  I love when someone makes me laugh.  I'm a sensitive person.  Moscato is my favorite wine.  What Dreams may Come may be one of my favorite movies but Ever After is a close second.  Then again, it might be too hard to narrow my favorite.  My middle name is Elva.  I always wished it to be Marie.  I love Celtic music.  My favorite destination to go is Ireland.  Carnations are my favorite flowers.  I like sparkle and glitter.  Geeks and dorks are the best kind of men to me.  Intelligence is sexy to me.  Kindness melts my heart.  I cry at movies...a lot.  I have healing hands.  My hugs are magical.  I used to be amazing at basketball.   I love Star Trek and Star Wars.  I'm convinced 2=2+5.  My Epilepsy while very frustrating because of the toll it takes on my body...I feel has come to be a blessing.  I love helping people.  I love that people ask for my insight.  I have a Forrest Gump Complex.  Favorite thing to have is chocolate and strawberries.  I don't know if this was poetic but it was unedited.  I just started typing...because I could.  And this is just a little about Me. Sometimes I'm just as surprised as you are what brews in this mind of mine.

The Voice

What is the voice that tells you how you matter? It's an interesting topic that has come up a few times.  I'm still trying to figure where the negative voice comes from.  I default to Javier because it seems like it was more prominent there. But I imagine there is more to the story.  When you hear it over and over again, whether positive or negative,,,you start to believe it.  I watch my friends in awe.  These amazing people that while they  are my friends, they are much more than that.  They are my family.    And for the life of me I allow my negative side to question why my insight would even matter? And then my logical side takes over and reminds me that I have much to contribute.  But even I had to receive positive reinforcement.  I had to be told what an amazing person I am.  Most days I believe it.  There are still some days I question it.  Today is not one of those days.  Today, as I wrote my affirmations to my loved ones I smiled.  I smiled because I recognize that I make a difference on how they feel.  That my words matter.  That I matter.  Jeremy and I sometimes have this awkward dance that we do when we have emotional mishaps.  He sees things in black and white.  And I respect that.  But I see things more in grey.  And for that we clash at times on schools of thought.  He is a very intellectual man so in the past I have gone on default mode and assumed he was right.  Now, while I do respect his opinion and many times it does have a chance to be right, I really do look at the fact...I am not wrong.  2=2=5 because there are variables that I see that are hard to show up on evidence.  Or it's hard to show your work.  I get it.  But sometimes I don't always need an answer, to really know the question.  It's hard to explain where my brain goes.  If feelings had an equation my psyche might understand how to answer that.  Nonetheless, I wake up each day with a new purpose.  And my purpose is to be an emotional cheerleader.  Sometimes I need to back off because my empathic side might need an energy recharge.  Emotions can be so raw and exhausting.  But I am an emotional cheerleader.  I provide a loving home for my husband.  So that he feels like the King.  Because he is my King.  But after that, I'm a sister, a mother, a friend, an other, a daughter, an aunt.  I'm a teacher. I'm a therapist. I'm a poet.   I'm many things.  So that voice, that inner demon that wants to come out sometimes.  Well, can go fuck yourself.  Because the angelic sound of my encouragement is reigning upon the negativity that resides sometimes within ourselves.  And if I am going to be here for my loved ones, I better have my shit to speak. lol

Monday, September 14, 2015


It's something I have to work with.  I don't like the idea of conditioning. But it happens so often.  My first priority is Jeremy.  It's a condition of  being a good wife.  I always want my husband to feel loved and appreciated.  But then there is family.  And I don't mean my biological one.  I mean the people I hold close to my heart like I do my life.  That when they hurt, I hurt.  I hurt for the others not in the "family" circle but honestly, I can't feel their pain and for reasons known and unknown not where they want me either.  You have to want me there.  By accepting who I am.  And not judging me.  I digress.  So this conditioning comes from experiences in my past.  Some maybe even from my first marriage.  My family means everything to me.  And if for some reason they don't know how much I hurt for them...then here I am voicing out.  But I can only do so much.  I've been conditioned not to step out of my boundaries.  I've been conditioned that it is not right to "meddle".  I'm stubborn.  So sometimes I go by the rules. And sometimes I don't.  I never know which way to turn.  It can be exhausting to figure out when to play by the rules and when not to.  Because everyone is different.  Certain things bother Jeremy while others find it appreciative.  I gauge where people are comfortable on me loving them.  I'm a bowl full of love.  It's what I am conditioned to do. Love unconditionally.  Even when I get rejected.  The workings in my mind sometimes.  I don't show how frail I really am.  I have to be a tough cookie.  I need to be here for everyone else.  It seems to be my role in the world.  This came out as a prose of sorts. I don't know if I feel this to this extreme extent.  But I felt like today's blog should be raw.  It should be unedited.  It should just be unfiltered on where my heart can speak of sometimes.  Because sometimes you need more than words to show someone or someones they are the most important people in your life.

Friday, September 11, 2015

Everyone has a story

My parents' generation has the Kennedy Assassination.  We have today.  Everyone has a story.  Here's mine.  I was spending the night at my Grandma's house.  And I say Grandma because really and truly, in my eyes I only had one.  But to be fair, my Grandma Agnes. I loved that woman.  I have a great relationship with my Mom but this woman was like a second mother.  Who has the luck on that? And she was sick with Pancreatic Cancer.  At the time we didn't realize she was in Stage 4.  In any case, there I was when I woke up to a phone call from my Dad. It was a little after 9 a.m. He woke me up asking if I had seen the news.  He didn't realize until that moment I had been asleep.  I went to the living room where I saw my Grandma staring at the screen.  Funny how some moments just slow down.  In my memory box in the brain, that's what it did.  I turned around and saw the commotion on the television.  I came in around the second plane crashing.  I froze, in my tracks watching what seemed like a horror film.  And yet, there it was...reality.  Someone has penetrated American soil...Twice.  For a rape survivor, this sometimes can take on symbolism.  At least for me, it does.  Being empathic to a point about these things makes me feel more.  It drains me.  And days like this, I isolate myself.  My energy is low.  I was engaged to Woody Moser at the time.  I started panicking.  I wasn't sure where he was.  And just as I was starting to think the worst, my phone rang.  Woody called.  He couldn't stay on long but he wanted me to know he was okay.  He wasn't near the commotion.  For all the consequential fighting and war of words this man and I had over the course of our marriage...this is a moment I always thank him for.  Even now. He knew my trigger.  Strange how current events on television don't reflect the one day we stopped worrying about ethnicity.  We were just there for each other.  Jeremy told me he was at the Doctor's office for an ultra sound Ashley.  So that's my story.  My Grandma passed away in 2002.  I flew in 5 days before she died  .I was holding her hand when she died.  The story doesn't quite end there.  My marriage was in trouble by the time the first anniversary came around.  But that day I decided to make peace.  I was trying to make peace with a woman I felt was a thorn in my marriage.  While I had problems with Woody already and she wasn't the only reason we divorced...she was the reason he called me up and chewed me out.  I'm not sure if he asked for a divorce right then.  I just remember it was a Thursday.  I had just gotten off work.  I found out from friends this wasn't a sudden thing.  He'd been looking into it.  I tried leaving him before his deployment.  But he stopped me and said maybe me going home was a good idea so we could cool off.  Makes me wonder...but it's in the past.  So there's my story. That song from Alan Jackson resonates in a strange way.  I heard that song and wrote that email as a peace offering.  Almost a way to say I give up.  I was trying to save my marriage.  I may be divorced but I don't believe in divorce.  I believe in working problems out.  I guess that is why through thick and thin I don't worry about Jeremy and I.  Our love and respect for each other makes us figure out how to make our marriage work.  And we fight like any couple.  But we always figure it out.  I really did marry my best friend.  He allows me to be my authentic self, wherever that road lies.  He allows me to take a path that may be less traveled by..... for my happiness, my sanity, my well being.  And likewise. So everyone has a story.  And not just for this day.  Everyone has a story on why the tick.  It's up to us to find that story out.  Friend, Family...sometimes even Foe.

Thursday, September 10, 2015


Wow.  What a moment.  I had some strange breakthrough.  There's this song.  More than words.  Certain songs have haunting very traumatic triggers for me.  I've tried over the years to reprogram my emotional side to not be consumed by hearing it.  It's still a very slow process.  Unchained Melody is now a very beautiful song to hear and I no longer get triggered.  The same cannot be said for More than Words.  That song haunts me.  I've been avoiding that song for years.  He tried to pin that song on me.  And I wanted to be angry at this song. I loathed that song.  But today I cried...I've always cried at this song.  But this time, I cried happy tears.  Because I was free of this song.  This song no longer had its power over me.  It was a such a breakthrough that I was laughing...then crying...then laughing again.  I also bought a beanie baby that was a unicorn named Rarity, because damn it...I am lol. And maybe my crazy life, maybe some of the rough things in my life that could send a person over the edge were a blueprint or map for someone else. Enough to hurt themselves...nooooo not Jess. She was tooooo stubborn for that shit. Laugh. Laugh with me.  Because I'm so stubborn.  My revenge on that..not even the person...but the event is to take life by the horns and hold on for dear life for the ride. This crazy roller coaster ride in life that I just live.  I experience things.  I fall...and then I get back up again. I love.  I fail...but then I really don't.  I just learn from it.  And then it's not a mistake any more.  It's just a lesson learned.  So..More than words.  I finally can smile at this song.  Thank you, Universe.

Wednesday, September 9, 2015

I'm still learning how to process

You know...if all of us learned how to properly communicate our sadness, anger, and other emotions I think the world would be in a better place.  A friend of mine pointed out a few days ago  that anger is a boundary violation and /or fear. It got me thinking.    Anger can be a healthy emotion if properly conveyed.  We all have triggers that we develop over the years that we experience.  Whether it's a family relationship, a significant other, or friendship our interactions can directly affect someone, whether positive or negative.   I'm still learning how to process anger.  Two abusive relationships and a rape will sorta fuck you in the head sometimes.  I don't like using it as a excuse but I do have to at least acknowledge that they do affect how I handle an emotion like anger.  I freeze.  I call it being a coward because I'm not fighting but's me just trying to survive the situation.  Sometimes for just a minute I'm not in the present. I'm in that situation and I freeze.  That's typical for survivors.  So anger.  I have great teachers in my friends who help me process this emotion.  I love my discussions with them.  I feel like I learn all the time. I'm still learning how to process.  Sometimes I feel like my inner child comes out more than my adultness.  And I'm not entirely comfortable with it.  I think that's when I feel like a fraud.  That I'm not always an adult.  Course, a friend (same friend) also said the world didn't need me to be an adult all the time.  I'm slowly reprogramming my brain and mindset.  It's a slow process.  But I have faith I'll get there.  I have a beautiful support system behind me to help.  I cherish them.  And I don't ever get tired of telling them how much I cherish them.

Tuesday, September 8, 2015

The beauty in pain

Sounds crazy, right? But it got me thinking.  Sometimes pain is necessary and has a beauty and purpose.  We can't appreciate the good if we don't know the impact the bad brings.  Contrast is important. Contrast helps us see a new perspective or angle on things.  The beauty in pain is well, beautiful.  I don't have answers right now in the realm of pain.  Who ever does? I worry that steps I take whether right or left will negatively impact someone I love.  I'm willing to make sacrifices.  I just don't know. I'm at a  loss, really.  I wish I had a map to this path of pain.  But since this is my first time in this painful situation I don't know the answer.  And that frightens me.  But in this frightening moment I am okay.  I am okay because I know. I know that somehow, at the end of the tunnel....there is the pain.

Friday, September 4, 2015

When it shows

When it shows...the confidence bursting out. When it want to scream to the world...Here I am!

Thursday, September 3, 2015


Today was a day. I spent all day with an old friend. She was needing comfort and support. And there I was. 20 years of history. And not all of it was pleasant with us. But we never forgot about each other. And when reconnected we mended so much. She's one of the few people who has known Jess Ortiz, Jess Moser, and now...Jess Kearney. A traumatic point in my life left us at a crossroads. But we perserveared and our friendship held.  And in true universal fashion she felt conflicted. I was so happy to relieve her of any worry. It's funny how I've learned that my horrible experiences don't negate your wonderful...or vice versa. The very person who pained me needed his friend, her. In some strange way I wanted to be that friend. To be there for the friend behind the monster. Because once upon a time. ...he wasn't. She still did not reach out. But she did it for her reasons. And I respect that. Life is strange.  I pain for the man behind the monster. What in the world does that make me?

Wednesday, September 2, 2015

With new eyes

Sometimes I feel like I am looking at life with new eyes.  Some of it seems like a painful process.  Rehahsing old pain or something like that.  But in way, that is a positive because it means I really never dealt with it.  On the other hand, there is the beauty of looking at life with new eyes.  I have a whole new appreciation for my husband.  I love him.  I didn't know it was possible to fall in love with him, again..only different.  It's hard to explain.  But I know the reason.  I celebrate and humbly accept the gift.  I thank the gift. I love the gift.  I am grateful for what it brings. I look at my friendships with new eyes.  I no longer need to explain or justify myself who may not understand my perception.  It doesn't make them right or wrong.  It just makes it not compatible to be in my close range circle.  I certainly look at life, thanks to my tribe.  I like being able to open my eyes and see the world with new eyes.  It helps me to understand certain ways to conduct my life.  I am tired of labels.  I am tired of black and white.  I want to live in a place where how I live or love  doesn't need explaining.  I want to live in grey.  Maybe one day.  Until then, I live in my world.  But I strategically adult in the other.

Tuesday, September 1, 2015

Perception on blind and wrong

A conversation was sparked today on perception.  I understood why a friend was concerned on something I had said.  But I guess I knew better.  And then I got to thinking.  Is it possible to be in the storm...that my perception was blind? In the end, I decided they were wrong.  Sometimes I will recognize I could be blind to perception.  Other times, like this, I recognize they were wrong on their perception.  It was okay.  It was done in the best intentions.  But want to say to people in general..."You're on third base."  Still...I couldn't be upset at someone looking out for my welfare.  I quite  possibly have  made the same assessment had the tables been turned.  On the bright side, I got inspired to write about it.  I actually had another inspiration lined up.  I was walking with one of the best friends and was taking in nature.  It was such a surreal feeling.  And then the church bells went off.  And that was just perfect.  It was a beautiful moment.  I actually started tearing up.  It felt like such a poetic moment.