Also, something to mention that I didn't put it in the blog but still has significance. Jeremy's Grandpa passed away two years ago, Thursday. We couldn't go that day. So I made it a point that we go on Saturday. Why is this important to blog? Because it reminds me the list gave me of what he liked about me and it included our families. We also visited my Grandma who is buried there. His Grandpa was cremated. Just wanted to share that. He also made his chili...his first place at his work chili....OMG. Best chili ever!!! We took that over to our friends who made Queso. Nom nom nom. Anyway, enjoy the visual smiles.
Tuesday, February 28, 2017
I feel sore from laughing so much last night. Our friend from out of town came in yesterday. Her flight was delayed but luckily with Jeremy off, it didn't matter. I had updated my client that I might be late. But the flight was too close to my clock in time that I told her I would meet up with them for dinner. Jeremy was awesome. She had other crew mates coming in for training. So he picked them up too. Jeremy is just that kind of person. It makes me proud, actually. I got off of work and out of my uniform. We went to dinner on the Riverwalk. Something that only happens when we have out of town guests. Last time we ate downtown my military friends were in town that I hadn't seen for 15 years. Last time I had seen them was in Jeremy. "Tiny Tot", as I'll call her because she is shorter than me is just an all around amazing person. Jeremy and I had a nice lunch at Starbucks before hand because I still needed to get something to eat before work. And he needed to eat light. We originally were going to eat lunch with them but the flight delayed. I got to use my birthday gift cards. Yah. Thanks, Grandma S! Redeemer by Pauyl Cardall is on.
We had dinner on the Riverwalk which seemed rather busy for a Monday night. I also had a Corona. Now, why that is meaningful is because of some of the abuse with Woody involved a Corona. But through my therapy, it was just a bottle. And I recognized it. I'm aware what it symbolizes on a logical level. But the emotional trigger was not there. In fact, it was a redo of sorts. Redo aren't always because I had a bad experience before. More times than not, it is. But there are times it is not. It's just a way to redo a memory that I otherwise want to share with Jeremy or redo because I want another memory to reflect on. So, a corona will remind me the memory of last night. Laughter is great. My client makes me laugh a lot too. Jeremy and I have this rapport with the craziest things we say together or to each other. We were talking about connecting the other day. I asked him if we connected on all levels because given some of our struggles the past year, I don't know if I really knew the answer. He said yes. He did say sometimes it falters when we have had our struggles so it can vary from moment to moment. But he likened it to a range. We're always on the range but sometimes the barometer is more 90 that day. And before it was 95. And we fought, 60. I liked that analogy. And told him likewise. Jeremy is clumsy with my feelings sometimes, but he won't know what's wrong unless I tell him. And I am trying to learn how to convey it in a most logical fashion. It certainly is helping me to improve my debating skills with him. And I have also come to recognize and point out to him, that logically, I understand that line of thought he might have but that he might not have used tact on that particular subject. But there is something that does save us. Our sense of humor. I can explain that my feelings get hurt but I use humor. And suddenly the blow is lessened. I still convey that my feelings were hurt but they don't stay hurt because I rebuff or go about it with humor. I'm happy we got back on track. Maybe we weren't headed to something so drastic as a divorce 10 months ago. But I didn't feel like "us" if that makes any sense. I felt disconnected. I felt I was doing it. But I felt it because he was behaving differently. And therefore, I was reacting. Sure, we still don't always see eye to eye on things. But we're on the same page. Whatever it takes, we figure it out. And maybe that was the take away. Laughter. As I was looking at Jeremy yesterday in the car, on the way to dinner, I smiled and then, he smiled...He's my favorite person to laugh with. That experience where we found humor, or something that got us laughing...that feeling of connection...is an amazing feeling. And I want to hold onto it.
Thursday, February 23, 2017
It was a little hard to process this lesson because I wanted people to like me. The truth is...not everyone will. And that's okay
Today is the second death anniversary of Grandpa J. We couldn't go today. Hopefully, we can go this weekend.
It's been a while since I blogged. We had the kids over the weekend so I was distracted. Then, the unexpected happened. We got crazy thunderstorms. Our weather got crazy enough that we ended up with tornadoes. Now...let me tell you. We don't get tornadoes. But, literally a mile from where Jeremy and I were...one hit. Talk about crazy. There were about 4 tornadoes that hit our city or surrounding places. The winds got bad that our garage door got either bent in or part of it went off the rail. I was on my way to work the other day when the thing went off the rail. It broke the railing but also the glass. We finally got a new one today. Added to that good news, Jeremy took off work for the job to be done, but it was also our lunch date time. So we ended up doing Thai anyways. He called it thematically appropriate. It was a nice surprise!!! Also, he won first place for his chili!! I think it's kind of funny that he's not there. Someone took a picture of his trophy. No joke. The chili is good. Spicy for me. I don't care. Likewise with the Thai food. I had Yellow curry. Soooo spicy for me loved it. The food was amazing. I also had a bubble tea to help cool down my tongue. Our friend has us going on a food adventure. I've never had crawfish. This should be interesting. I like having new experiences. I won't know I like it or not unless I try it. Course some things I know I would be like no...like blowfish. A friend of mine talks about a restaurant in New York that you pay $5000 to have it but the condition is that some of these fish contain some poison. Like that...I wouldn't even entertain the thought. Even this crazy girl has limits. So that's what's been going on. We have a friend coming in next week from out of town. She used to live here but work called her elsewhere. The 5k is coming up as well. And then, our anniversary. And then, Jeremy's birthday!!! I really want to get him the Ifly indoor skydiving thing. We shall see closer to his birthday.
Friday, February 17, 2017
Hey...Don't judge me. This is the video that came up. Enjoy the pic. One of the songs on my playlist. At least you can understand why I was dance walking
I have a dancing vibe going. I mean, I love dancing in general. It might help that in the middle of my walking, my earphones went kaput. And there I was, dance walking. I love the different play lists I have. I go between Spotify and Pandora. Blogging turned into an 80s vibe. Everybody wants to rule the world from Tears For Fears is on. Yesterday was therapy. I had some anxiety going into but I think because the word "trauma" was mentioned for the next session. We did actually talk about the description of the trauma but more where I go emotionally. And a link to how I react to negative things now. I likened it to my dragon stage. I do freeze but I'm still growling in the corner. My therapist is amazing but she gives me the credit for doing the work. And I do see that line of thought. I have work today. I love my job. I work for an amazing company. And my client is so appreciative. I am in a good place. There are times where the inner demons like to come out and play and mess with me. But my support system helps to ground me. I'm so grateful for them. It's the first time in my life I feel completely protected in order to heal. I have had support before. But something felt off or wrong. And it wouldn't be until I would have my fall outs to understand why they were only part of my story. And that's okay. I appreciate their contribution. This vibe I have going...it's nice. The anxiety, I think came from waiting for a shoe to drop. Because I haven't been in this vibe before. 96 hours of this. Let's just run with this vibe.
Wednesday, February 15, 2017
I love this song. Don't judge me
This song popped in my head
I was having a great conversation about how the current climate has gotten people more aware of the political environment around them. I check NPR as much as I would've checked Facebook. I try researching through the real stories versus some of the fake. I try making sense of what the future holds for us as a nation. I talk with Jeremy about professionalism, politics, and the idea that we live in an age that nothing is really private anymore. He made me ponder a thought of my own. What would happen if someone was listening or recording a conversation of ours? Certainly, I don't excuse anyone's behavior. But it did make me think of the digital age and privacy. Jeremy, by no means wanted to defend someone. However, he wanted me to understand and perhaps, even debate or argue the issues I have against people. For a moment, I wondered with all the logic that does make sense what Jeremy is saying, that he can understand. After all, Jeremy is a white male. I am a Hispanic woman. Now, given that information, I haven't really embraced my culture nor really had to necessarily identify with it. I by no means want to be white. But I've been told my behavior is anglosized. Whatever that means. I think it's important that we are having real conversations about what this political climate is bringing. There's a positive out of it. It's forcing us as a people to see the fallacies in gender equality, transgender issues, marriage equality. See, just for a minute...take religion off the table. Aren't we supposed to be separating religion and state? Then, what? The only one that I understand the debate back and forth is abortion. However, even with that, I support a women's right to a choice. Are you going to help raise that child? And where is the father? Why aren't we looking more to the other purpose who made the baby? I read the other day about an Oklahoma anti abortion bill going through. It seems legit. But they were calling women's not their own. They were hosts. It made me think...as a person in high standing "said it like it was".....give way for others who for many years stood silent worried about backlash to say such crude things feel like they have a free pass to say them? When did it become okay to say such mysogonistic, racist, or homophobic things? Like I said, there is a positive out of this. We are having conversations about it. More and more. While I am uncomfortable with Michael Jackson's past, it does give pause to the song ,"Change". It seems fitting.
Tuesday, February 14, 2017
I don't celebrate Valentines day but I am having way too much fun texting my friends and Jeremy funnies today. I also tagged a few of my friends who are huge Harry Potter fans. Plus, one very funny alien one. Did you know Valentines is the Patron saint of Epilepsy? Now, you know. I actually woke up this morning feeling like crap. I hate having having a seizure in my dreams. They mess me up when I wake up. So I rested and took it easy today. I was going to to make something easy tonight but I might just treat Jeremy and I to Taco Tuesday. We'll see. I was explaining this weekend why I don't celebrate it. It's actually a little vain. I see my birthday as a practically a national holiday. It's all about me. And our anniversary. All about us. But even then, Jeremy is not required to get me a gift. We get each other cards and go out to eat. Christmas is more about family and framily to me than presents. I get weirded out by commercialized holidays. However, I do love seeing my facebook feed explode and respect those who celebrate it. So, my gift to you today is the funnies I have been sending. I hope you are getting appreciated, loved, and or spoiled today. Yes, the men too. I imagine not all my followers are women. So here is my gift to you. I hope you smile or laugh.
Monday, February 13, 2017
I was having an interesting conversation about not comparing oneself to yourself. It's been done. At some point, we all do it. Do some kind comparison. Whether it's comparing two people are comparing yourself to someone else. And in the end, you can only go with the best version of yourself. And the person you started comparing someone else with. 1) No one can be you. Can you imagine someone trying to be Queen Sparkles? I mean...It would be weird. I make it work. I sparkle and shine. I've got this bounce to me that makes you smile. Admit it. Okay. Stop thinking about the bounce...lol I know where you're going with this. lol I look at the people I have chosen to spend time and energy with. I can't imagine someone else being them. It just doesn't work. When we choose whom we invest our time with, we can't imagine anyone like them. I can't imagine another Jeremy. The man hurts me sometimes. The man makes me smile and laugh. The man drives me insane sometimes. But I can't imagine another Jeremy...flaws and all. It's taken me a while to really accept this beautiful skin of mine. Being comfortable with your own skin and who you are. I am flawed. I make mistakes. But I get back up...and I try again. And again. It should sound so simple. That once I started opening up in therapy about the rape and getting to the core of things, that it would link why I am the way I am, how I react to people, and my every day life in general. No. The traumatic event doesn't define me. And yet, it does. It shapes on how or why I trust or don't trust people. It shapes the honor code system I have with myself and others. It shapes how I react to hurt. It shapes so much of how I let people in. I've actually been criticized for having too many friends or that I attach best friends too quickly. Actually, I let the person call me best friend before I attach best friend. Again, there is a system. And I also started looking at sources of who was criticizing. Often, it was people that didn't attach themselves to people. So, really...you don't know. You're not me. Every day, I attempt to become the best version of myself. What does that mean? I try to contribute to the world, one gesture at a time. I try to be kind. I try to be loving. I try to be a positive impact in people's lives. If I see that I'm not, I remove myself .Or if I see that you are not a positive part of my life, I remove you. Why? Because as I'm getting older, I don't want games. I want people that want to do good in this world. And I want people that want to make this world better, one gesture at a time. When you put positive energy out, you create harmony...of sorts. But it has to start with you. And sometimes...it might just be you and a few. And that's okay. Don't do something because people are doing it. Do it because you believe in it. Harmony. It's harder than you think. Different people with different views. But each day that you interact with someone, you make a pact to take space in harmony...together. I still grumble about traffic. I still grumble about the waiter taking so long on my Adult Grilled cheese sandwhich. But I harmonize with him. What if he had something on his mind? What if he forgot? And yelling at him would just humiliate him. I wouldn't want to be humiliated. So I won't humiliate. This is me trying to be the best version of myself. I'm no saint. But I'm Jess. Go be you. Go be the Badass I know you all can be. Time to get ready for work.
Tuesday, February 7, 2017
I mean..Come on, day!!! lol This is how I started out today. My phone has been switching times on me. I'm off today so I don't feel as frazzled about that. I think what helped was enjoying the playlist I found on Spotify called Power Walk. I love finding new music. I ended up coming inside early just so I could dance to it instead. I woke up kinda feeling grumpy and not sure why. Maybe I didn't sleep well. But the walk helped. I cleared my head. I realized I didn't need to sweat the small stuff. I didn't need to get agitated over things I really can't control. Shit happens. And sometimes you just gotta roll with the punches. Life is so beautifully quiet and boring. Is that weird to say? That boring is beautiful? I like routine. I like boring. Maybe it's my age lol. Still, I am okay with that. Perhaps, I really am growing up lol Ughs. Nooooo. I don't want adult. I'm the one that wants to say, " I need an adult." I can share a couple of songs that are on this playlist. Enjoy!
Monday, February 6, 2017
We had the kids this weekend. We got onto the subject of politics. It's interesting to see the views of those not able to vote yet. Lovie 1 will be able to the next election. It's amazing to listen to how they are processing their world. I hear different things. I'm trying to understand it all. I'm still trying to figure out Dodd Frank. I don't remember being this aware of politics like I do now. I just feel like it's more important to be informed. Now, more than ever. Yesterday, as the Superbowl was commencing, I had heard that the Senior Bushes were there for the coin toss. And the comments were quite interesting. Except for a few nasty ones, the basic idea of how different we feel about a person taking office, even if we don't see eye to eye on policies. It gave me pause on how people are processing that new normal for them. It seems for some people, common decency has gone out the window. I am grateful when people still respect each other. We're going to have different views. But we should be able to have open conversations without it turning angry, violent, or hateful. In the digital age, some people will say mean things. To someone's marriage, or body shaming, someone's child, and so many other things. Do I have mean things that I say in my head? Sure. I am not a saint. But I don't feel the need to say them aloud. That old saying, "If you don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything at all" still applies for me. I am proud of how 4 parents have contributed on raising these two kids. They are now teenagers. They are young adults. It makes me smile. I think how interesting the next few years will be as they evolve into adults. I want to be informed for myself. I want to be informed for my family. I want to be informed for my kids. That way, as we make choices, we know the best way to process and act on things. To me, having the best information gives us the best opportunity to respond and react.
Thursday, February 2, 2017
I just put on Pandora and The Legend of Kristy Lynn is on. It sounds like the beginning of Star Trek: The Next Generation. But back to calm. I have therapy today. But I feel calm. I just finished my walk. I love that I finally got the motivation to just start working out. It's not a lot. And yet, it is. The Gear fit 2 is neat. It doesn't talk calls or texts but it does receive them. I also keep track of my steps and how many floors I climb. For some reason when I climb stairs, it tracks it differently. I feel....centered. Life still has grumbles of sorts. It's going to. And things don't always go as I would like them to. It's well...life. But overall, I feel...centered. Work is great. I love working for "Mrs Walters". I went grocery shopping but waited a bit since she wasn't feeling well. I can't think of anything else going on. February is going to be rather quiet other than getting the kids this weekend. We get to celebrate Lovie 's acceptance to college. I think he's still applying to other places but I think he is set on one place. I'm excited. It will be a whole new chapter. I also confirmed for Grandma time. It will be a belated birthday celebration of sorts for me, according to her. lol Then, in March it's busy. We have the 5k, a birthday to celebrate, making time to go see Jeremy's grandpa at the mausoleum, our anniversary, and the kids. I hope that I keep this calm. I like feeling centered. It helps me to process my thoughts more slowly. And when I slow down, I feel like I process my thoughts more sound and logical. We'll see how it goes.
Wednesday, February 1, 2017
Kinda have this bitchy face because of the kids in back of us. I get screaming kids. But it was this annoying screech. I'm getting old lol
Well...he didn't get the job. I look at it this way. They sought him out. He has started to look but it's been companies looking for him. He'll just keep studying. I got the last of my presents. This one was from my parents. It's a Gearfit 2. I got to use it today on my walk. I've already done over 8,000 steps! We went to Magic Time Machine, a really interesting restaurant. Our waitress was Lady Gaga. She was a hoot. She was a riot. I work today. I love work days. I tend to call Mrs. "Walters" on my day off. I adore her. And I feel so appreciated by her. It's grocery shopping day. That's actually kind of fun to do. I have to find frames for the prints that came in. I don't have a lot going on. In some ways, I have a lot to say but it's more political. And I think you got the gist yesterday of my frustration. But in terms of personal...it's just another day to sparkle, as dear one's gift says.