Monday, May 22, 2017
YOU ARE THE ONE WHO CAN STRETCH YOUR OWN HORIZON
Funny enough, this quote jumps my mind into another quote of sorts. Basically, I have the power to write my narrative. Only for a long time, I didn't realize this. Amazing conversations yesterday with friends. I love being able to share ideas and perspectives with friends. We are different ages. Most times, Jeremy and I are older than our friends. It's not intentional. Just tends to happen. Back to the thought at hand. I have the power to write my narrative. The biggest part of my narrative that I wanted to convey was contribution. My constant question was whether I contributed good idea. Do my thoughts and values count for something was always a question that was never far from my mind. I second guess my thoughts. I dismissed that my idea or take on something was silly. And nowadays, maybe it is silly. And maybe for that moment, silly is exactly what is needed. Who knows? The point is, my thoughts mattered. It mattered that I shared my thoughts and values to people that cared to know. It mattered that I shared my thoughts and values to people who supported what I believed in. So, today...think about writing your narrative and what that means to you? What is the biggest message you want to convey?
Thursday, May 18, 2017
I miss you so much. You were always a fixture of my life. Of happiness that I had in my life. Spending those last moments with you, holding your hand, as you slipped away from this world, was probably one of the hardest moments to endure. But I didn't want to leave your sight. Thank you for waiting for me. Thank you for holding on just enough for me to get to you. I got the first flight out. It's been 15 years. It doesn't make it any easier. It was hard to endure again when I was holding Jeremy's Grandpa the same way. But I knew it was something I had to do. Jeremy had just gone back to work that Monday. I miss you so much. Tomorrow is your death anniversary. But somehow, today, it kinda of hit me as I was writing my blog. So I wanted to write into the void. My quiet spaces have lost loved ones. They understand missing someone so much. So...that's why I am writing to you and telling you I miss you so much. I wished you could have met Jeremy. You would have loved him. He's a pain in the ass but he is crazy about your granddaughter. Hope you're having fun in heaven or wherever you are. I hope you got to meet Aaron. I don't know what really happens to people who commit suicide. But I'd like to think they get a chance at heaven if they help out people on Earth. I love when you send me dimes. I loved how you told me every time I saw a dime you would be saying hello. I don't care that no one really believes that. I do. I love you and miss you. This was taken in 2001. I was graduating from college.
How we spend our days, is of course, how we spend our lives. She made a sentence so simple. And yet, so profound. It actually reminds me of something I inherited when my Grandma passed away. Tomorrow is her death anniversary. I miss her.
The quote was" Life is God's gift to us.
What we do with is our gift to God." (A.R. Bernard)
My spirituality has definitely evolved. Jeremy calls me a deist. I was comfortable with that label. Especially since I didn't want a label on my spirituality. Some days, God is God. And other days, God is Universe, a Goddess of sorts. Back to today's quote. It does encompass what we decide to put on our energy into. Negative? Anger? Instead, we can spend our day in joy and in happiness. And in the positive. It was a conversation I had some time ago that reminded me to stay the course of positive even with a negative lining. Today, on my time line, I posted this odd quote of sorts. There is so much awful in the world. But if you look for it, there is much beauty and wonderful in the world. Glass half empty or half full? Just making room for more vodka! Inspiration can come anywhere, everywhere. Just gotta look for it. Now, where's that cinnamon vodka again? You know me and comic relief. The inspiration today came in the form of one of my former classmates and friends fighting in stage 3 cancer. She had posted a picture of herself bald. What a ballsy and wonderful move. I even used the f word without bleeping it. But the inspiration also came the other day with a former classmate of mine revealing the two year anniversary of her rape in a post. It was set as a poem. We can stay in the negative. We can stay in the angry. It's much harder to stay in the positive. But we're strong. We embrace our colorful lives and its many ebbs and flows of life. The Aviators by Helen Jane Long is on. We accept certain realities in our lives. We figure out what we can live with. What we can live without. Sometimes that also means whom. We find out deal breakers for ourselves and for others towards us. We find out about ourselves. We discover just how resilient we are. Or aren't. There is another story of not being resilient. And what that means for those around them. But that's another story. It's important how we spend our days. I hope we spend it well.
Tuesday, May 16, 2017
It's beautiful and interesting that of the many gifts I got from a loved one, one was a grumpy cat book and also a guided journal. But also a little booklet called, "Letters to my Future Self". Each year on August 1st I find something courageous to do or at least something out of my comfort zone. However, I might change it up a bit and include adventures with writing of sorts. I think I will start the book on August 1st of this year and open it up next year. A year of where I directly can say I started healing. This past August I became whole in the most unexpected way. By facing Javier. This next year can be about being whole, just by learning each day the power of healing. Next year, I can reflect upon it. Just last night, I had a conversation online with another survivor( a friend from high school.) It was the first time I had openly commented and identified Javier in any way. That was a step. I don't need to plaster his name. Just my quiet way of educating the public, advocating for survivors, and sharing my courage is enough. Sometimes, even just providing inspirational quotes and funny stuff is a way to be courageous. I show the world that this one thing did not define me. It's a big step for a survivor. It was helpful to learn my friend's story too so that I could relate or connect with it. It's not easy to choose to rise above the pain. And some days I find my inner demons winning a little more than I want. But between Jeremy, my support system, work, blogging, and other outlets, I find peace.
Monday, May 15, 2017
That is the first quote that I got to see. It' from Andy Offut Irwin. It seems so simple...and yet so profound. It was one of the Mother's Day gifts I got yesterday. What a day. It was so personal. And sentimental. It kind of overwhelmed me, honestly. This weekend, in general was needed. I was exhausted from working so much last week. But it was all worth it to see the smiles on Mother's Day. Eventide by Michael Hoppe is on. Back to the quote. It seems so simple. But it struck a chord in me. Maybe because I'm partial to the word Amazing. Encouraging words are so vital. But it's important to start seeing the words for ourselves before wanting to see or hear them from other people. I learned that the hard way. These days, I look for the words myself that reaffirm this amazing person I am. It's not conceitedness. It's many years of not being able to believe those words. Don't be afraid to be Amazing. You are truly a gift to this world. If only you get to see the special qualities you bring to this world. If there is only one time you get to see those words, then here they are....DON'T BE AFRAID TO BE AMAZING. Go be the hero I know and the world knows you can be. Go be the kind of person this world needs right now. We all have something to contribute to the world. We just need to find it within ourselves. And maybe, just maybe it comes with a nudge.
Thursday, May 11, 2017
You little badass. When did you grow balls? Sometimes you (me?) surprise me with how well you handle possible stressful situations. I mean...after all...you used to be little Mrs. anxiety ball. You don't feel the anxiety like you used to. There are days that it likes to pop up. There are days that certain things, memories, or people can run rampant on possible triggers. Especially in the way of having to stand up for yourself. You go with your bad self. I'm proud of you. You amaze me. And instead of having to praise or blame an aspect...it's all you. Or me.... lol
Yes. I do talk to myself. I even answer myself. Am I crazy? Of course, I am. I'm just the good kind of crazy. The kind that you love having around lol
What a day! My job is never boring. And if it is, it is to recharge for days, like today. Each client comes with different needs to be met. It's a balance on what they want versus what they need with many times relying on feedback, updates, or tips from family members. I was a fill in for clients I had before. At times, can be stressful but nothing I can't handle. My new thing is if I can handle that one incident, I can handle anything. And between work and the client, I got feedback of doing a great job and exactly what I needed to do. It's funny knowing that I am right on point. Because before I would be running around in my head worrying whether I was doing a good job or not. But I still needed a Starbucks after that!!! Mama deserved it. And it's Happy Hour until Sunday so perfect timing as soon as I got off work. I love my job. It takes a certain patience with it. I'll tell you that. But I love my job. Every time I am working, I know I help people. I make a difference. And something about helping the elderly just makes it so meaningful.
Monday, May 8, 2017
So I had a funny thing happen on Saturday. One of my best friends had a get together on Saturday. While we were there, I hit it off with one of the other ladies invited. I mean, from the get go, we just hit it off and were talking. Come to find out, this was the person my best friend had always told me I should meet. She knew we would hit it off. When my best friend saw us, she smiled and said, "I knew you two would hit it off.". And then, we looked at each other. "Oh, You're the one!!!", simultaneously. It was hilarious. You think it was scripted. It's not necessarily that "Laura" and I have all things in common. But somehow, we felt like we had always known each other. What was even funnier was seeing how well our husbands hit it off. I hadn't even put two and two together and associated her and her husband. But I noticed my husband hit it off with someone too. It reminded me of how complete strangers sometimes connect better than what seemed like friends in the past. It was a weird revelation. I think part of the line of thought came from a conversation regarding Javier. I actually said I was relieved I don;t mean anything to him. That I was that disposable. Sounds crazy, right? But hear me out. Once I got my healing journey going. Once I saw my value, I saw that his opinion meant and means shit. And so does anyone that has a negative opinion. That's not to say that someone that has a constructive critique of me doesn't have merit or credentials in what they say. It just means that I don't seek validation in anyone's opinion. Which is strange...coming from me. My healing journey is a work in progress still. I have much too learn through the constant healing that life has to offer me. Yes, life has thrown some serous lemonades at me. And while I can't make margaritas with them because Tequila hates me....I figure something out. You find hacks. You find ways to see the positive in each negative situation. And while I have always known that philosophy, I think my heart somehow forgot certain aspects of that mantra. Life is too short. I got told something beautiful that just hit me like a ton of bricks. Life is too short and full of the opportunity to dwell in ugliness. That's paraphrasing but you get the idea. Even the cries I might have. The sighs I might have. The tiredness I might have. I am truly blessed and lucky. I have my health. Yes. I really said...I had have my health. I'm a high functioning Epileptic. How many Epileptics you know work AND drive? I work hard to keep my health in control. I have friends that ground me and keep me sane when inner demons like have to fun with me. It's so easy to let insecurities get the best of us. You're not smart enough. You're fat. You are getting older. You're not good enough. Your thoughts and values don't matter. Far more scars go into rape than just physical. One of the theories that I was helped with to understand is that Javier doesn't like to leave evidence. That's why there were never any physical scars. It's scary to see these days the kind of rape culture we really have. I mean...what is interesting to remember while not getting too political is...the explanation I got for someone voting for someone that overtly was mysoginistic. Yeah. But I'm not voting for him because of that. That's still part of him. And it was hard to make an argument when the other side to vote had the title of enabler.
I still don't understand certain things being thrown around regarding healthcare. My condition is on there. I'm not sure where this blog entry direction was going. Life still keeps going. I'm working alot more. 27-32 hours is like putting in 40. But one of my friends introduced me to an interesting hack. Pedialyte. Don't judge me. lol I took one today and while I'm pooped, it's not passing out exhausted pooped. And I'm having to deal with two nights of staying up late during the weekend. Off the soap box I go. I try to mostly center this blog around my healing journey, health, marriage, and life. But here and there I do bring up things to think about. These things affect me so I write about them. I want to say sorry that I offended someone. But I can't. I wish decency was part of our normal. I wish people didn't have to deal with being violated on a physical, ,mental, emotional, and /or sexual capacity. But we do. It just makes us stronger. And for those who can't be, maybe this blog is their voice. You come into my world and learn something. That I'm silly. That I'm human. That I'm kind. That I make mistakes. That I am genuine and forthcoming. That I'm human. It's important to document the human condition.
Thursday, May 4, 2017
Actually kind of loopy right now. I gave blood today. I hadn't for a while because my health wasn't where I wanted to be. It's better now. I'm tired. I'm ready for a nap. But wanted to at least say hi. I hope you're well. I'm ready to sleep in the weekend. I got to sleep in today. Sleep is my medicine. It helps me maintain my life. What else? Things are good. Preparing for Lovie graduating and moving in. I wish I had more for you but sometimes I am a nice boring person doing my life. Take care. Nap. I'm gonna take that nap.
Tuesday, May 2, 2017
Maybe because I was on my last energy yesterday did I feel extra sensitive today. The Mondayest of Mondays. Work part was great. I love MR. Except for the other day where she was having her own storm, we have such a great system going. However, the rest of the day was grating on me. I went to an appointment no woman enjoys. And my nail caught on something and ripped. Don't worry. It's okay to laugh. I did too. Then, while 98% of my job is amazing, there is one person that hasn't quite understood healthy boundaries on asking me to work and my condition. So, they irk me. Mainly because they don't do their job well and I get affected. Lucky for me, the good outweighs the bad. The rest of my work is exceptional. Then, my package came back to me. I was so exhausted. I just wanted to go home. I slept in today. I needed it. I wanted to get some birthday things for a belated birthday for my friend, Mrs. W. I managed to find birthday cake cookies. And I got her a pink blanket. I also needed to get some stuff for our dinner tonight with a friend of ours, BEE. And then, get lunch of course. I have felt on edge. Not mad or anything. More sad on knowing a situation, a reality I have to accept. And out of nowhere, kind words and kind gestures were given. Enough to make me cry even more. I'm already such an emotional and sensitive sap anyways! Those kind words are helping me deal. Because life doesn't always go your way. Life takes turns that you can't recover from. Life happens. My panel has been wonderful on helping me "deal". It may seem small to you that you make kind words or kind gestures. I was grateful for them. I hope I get the opportunity to do that for someone.
Monday, May 1, 2017
I'm tired. Exhausted, really. And yet, here I am....blogging. Probably because I can't quite sleep yet. I had a doctor's appointment. The kind no woman really enjoys but knows it's necessary. And since I am 40 now, I am the right age for a mammogram. *Groan*. I was set to go home when the UPS store told me my package returned to me. Sighs. I just wanted to go home. I'm not mad. I'm just...tired. I wanted to hang out with a friend but I need to sleep in tomorrow. And of course, my old client. I am looking forward to my hot lunch date with Jeremy this week. And I'm giving blood after almost two years. I feel like something is going on somewhere, somehow. Somewhere I have to make sure I have my calendar. And then figure out other players involved with my calendar. It's life. But when I'm exhausted it's a ughs, life. As soon as I get that nap, I'll feel better. I just have the hamster thinking too much. and yet....I'm blogging. Walk away, Jess. Go rest. Stare at the ceiling if you have to. Jeremy finally registered for his test. I'm excited and nervous for him. Okay...must rest. This is a sloppy blog entry. Sorry. I just am not much for braining at this point.
Saturday, April 29, 2017
I've been working all week. And by Friday, I could feel it. An interesting thing happened when I got off work. I needed to turn in my paperwork for payroll. I always feel better about turning it paperwork over to the one who handles it in person. That's just me. I hadn't seen my non boss/boss. The interesting thing about my job is that I'm my own boss. Granted, there are rules and regulations but they're common sense ones. I set my own hours. I don't feel pressured to take a job on. If I say yes to a fill in, it's because I chose it. I was looking forward to this Friday also to have dinner with one of my best friends and hang out. She asked if I could work today. And without hesitation, I said no. I was doing something. Sleeping in. And she laughed and said, "Good for you!". I explained I had been working all week and was at my limit. And she understood. And mentioned boundaries for myself. No feeling of guilt. No feeling of I had let someone down because I said no. I give myself a break....for giving myself a break. My battery runs on 80% out the gate. Your 100 is my 80. Not by choice. Just the way the manufacturing was on this body. lol I came defective. But I make it work. I am a lucky person. And I don't take that lightly. Many Epileptics can't drive. I do. I also have such an amazing relationship with my neurologist, we work to continue my success for a healthier life. I am conscious of my nutritional intake. Not to say I don't partake in some indulgence. I just balance it out. I am a lot more active. My sleep cycle is better. I'm less stressed out. And when I am stressed, I find ways to resolve the problem so I alleviate my stress. I also have a job. And not only that, my company knows about my condition. And still was willing to give me a chance. That is a gift I can never repay. Do I have to slow down sometimes because my body can't keep up. Yes. I take lots of naps. But just like I don't take birth control for birth control. I take it for medicine, I see naps as medicine. I am purposeful on choices I make in order keep balance with my illnesses. I have been that person who has had 5 or 6 seizures a day. I did lose muscle in my legs that at one point, I was using a walker. I have had to crawl down my stairs. But my goal was to be here. Here where I could lead as healthy as a life that someone with Epilepsy can. It's been a part of me so long, I learned early on how to swim upstream and jump to go to the top. And even the silent thing like PTSD. I have learned to live with these things in a healthy manner. It's been a journey. A rough one. Where I failed many times to have good health. But today I can happily say I am a healthy woman who has Epilepsy. I have it. It doesn't define me.
Friday, April 28, 2017
And now, I remember I have Epilepsy. Today, my body is telling me I'm at my limit. Which is good because I am not scheduled to work until Monday. It's helped that any chance I get, I rest my body or do a power nap. I'm glad my body lets me do that. I met someone through one of the Epilepsy forums and she can't do that. It was heartbreaking. At least I can. This week has been amazing. I really have pushed myself to work. Mother's Day and graduation is coming up. And I didn't want to take away from grocery shopping so.... off to work I went. I'm trying to make a nice rotation of fill ins. That way, when I want to work, I have some returning clients that want to have me. And when I don't want to work, I don't. My Tuesday and Thursdays are sacred. I also watched something that could have attributed to the migraine I had last night. I do get emotional migraines. I finally watched the TED talk with the rape victim and the rapist. It was very informative. And I had to keep an open mind regarding the man who had done it. It took a lot to be standing there, as many people would and could judge him. But he wanted people to understand the story and at least show the evolution of one story of rape. I told Jeremy the difference is this man owned up to what he did. That isn't the kind of thing I would get from Javier. Javier has yet to still admit that he raped me. I also watched another interesting TED Talk with Jeremy. It was with Monica Lewinksy and the price of shame. While our stories of shame are very different, I did understand many of the damaging things she spoke about with shame. It was profound, in fact. After that, we watched a couple of crash course videos. It's one of our favorite things to do together. We are such nerds. I love it. I need to get lunch ready for work. I'm having Beef Lo Mein. I didn't finish my dinner last night. Have a beautiful day. And as you might be feeling the tired too, like me...I hope you get a nap or get to rest. I hope you get a chance to recharge. We all need it...and deserve it.
Tuesday, April 25, 2017
It's been a while since I wrote a poem. I felt inspired last night. I hope you like it.
It seemed impossible to find
common lines to form, space,s previously torn
a peace which that was born
A brief exchange
enough for heal
of broken dreams
shattered souls-let thy sword fall down
Perhaps, the mend, is just a mend
After all, mends still carry scars
But as scars tell a story, from which we let unfold
So will this mended tear
So will this tired space
a space where a common line formed
a peace which that was born
Monday, April 24, 2017
How in the world does one get injured from walking? This wonderful and adorkable woman did. Jeremy made awesome chili. But we had forgotten about frito chips. So "L" and I decided to walk to the corner store. More like Jeremy said..."It's a nice day and you can get your steps in like you always like to do!". I mean..he wasn't wrong lol. On our way back, though, I must have stepped into a divot or something, because suddenly I went down...and hard. It was an excruciating pain. I sprained my ankle. I couldn't walk without limping all night. So I asked Jeremy to get me a bandage because one way or another I was going to have to deal with this ankle while I was working. I kept it overnight until it woke me up because it was too tight. At that point, I took off the bandage. I waited morning and it was mostly good. During the day, I felt a little sore but otherwise, my ankle is a lot better. My clients depend on me. I'm who they balance on. I can't have a sprained ankle!!! I started my new permanent assignment schedule today. I love it. "Clare" is amazing. We have a system. She's direct about how to tell me where she needs me to be or how to help her. Or even when. I try to give me clients as much independence as they can have but also balance that with the help they need from me. It's definitely a fine tuned dance!!! One of our friends made me a DIY holster for my blaster I had borrow from "L" for the Alamo Comic Con cosplay we're doing. Thanks "T!". Jeremy is going as the 11th Doctor and I'm going as River Song. He got the last of his cosplay gear. He needed to get the fez and bowtie and got that this weekend. . But I realized I needed a belt so off to a thrift store I went. "Clare" had some clothes she wanted to donate so I took those to the thrift store too. Sound of Invisible Waters by Deuter is on. I bumped into "MM", whom I have not seen for ages. We had such a nice visit. The bad thing about me working sometimes is that I often miss time with "MM" . We're neighbors and friends. We caught up. And left with tea. lol My friends are always gifting me with tea. I'm not complaining. I did some housework before I had some time to sit down and blog. It's a boring blog. But it's a beautiful boring life I've carved and it makes me so happy. I picked up a shift tomorrow and then, I go see my friend. So...hey what injury???!
On a side note, I found out a family member of one of my oldest friends , JMB, passed away. I was heartbroken for my friend. Especially since he was having to rush from out of state from his work to get a ticket home. I met the family member once or twice. It still kind of blows my mind that we've been friends for 24 years. We had a fallout for some years. He calls it a pause. lol. We're not best friends anymore. And we both are okay with that. But really good friends, nonetheless. I like having one best guy friend. And that would be Jeremy. Sometimes I think I took the long way around to learn things but it is what it is. So...that's Monday. I hope you had a sparkling one.
Sunday, April 23, 2017
Yesterday I worked a shift. It was amazing. It was a new client for me. I get nervous, naturally because I don't know how we will interact. But "Ben" was awesome. He ran out of milk and we found this out when I was making cream of wheat or "Malt o Meal", actually. So, off to the store we went. I knew the area well so that always helps. After our little adventure to the store, which I drove his Lexus...we came back to watch a movie, which I picked. Remind me to actually watch Hitman. The home health aide in me was wanting to do stuff so I saw the movie but still was doing other stuff. He had Chicago on and I would have been happy with that but he said he had already seen it 15 times. He was Chicago'ed out. lol
I came home and had put together a lunch for Jeremy and I. He was getting ready to make the Chili we are having today. And since I had Mulan on the brain, there we were, watching it. Then, IP man. And then, the craziest thing happened. I had no idea watching Mystery Science Theater with Jeremy was on my bucket list. I am beyond happy. I am bursting with happy. I just thought I would share.
Friday, April 21, 2017
I had hoped to finish up this book by March 3rd or 4th when I started writing what I called Love Letters to myself last year. But life has other plans and I didn't need to write in it as often. I'm still writing my adventure book but I only write when I get inspiration on it. If I never finish writing it, I'll be okay with that too. This was today's entry:
Wow. Look how long it 's taken you to come back to this book. I'm so proud of you. I had hoped this book was finished
Just when I think I have life figured it out, life gives me wrenches and loops. More often than not, it leans more negative than positive for those wrenches and loops. However, once in a while, there is a day, or a moment , even where that wrench or loop changes you. That positive loop reminds you of the beauty and hope in a sometimes dismal world. The scene is not important. Well...it's important to me but there are still moments in my life I like to keep to myself. But the emotional change felt in me is important. It stirred such a peaceful energy that I was beside myself. Waves of Light by Deuter is on. Wave. That's a good description to call this. A wave of peace. Jess, you are an interesting person. Your child does hold some drama and trauma. I'll give you that. Examples: your cousin pointing a gun at your head while he was high. A freak accident with falling out of a truck. A guy trying to impress you, and knifing you. And numerous times you injured yourself in sports. Oh, and the Epilepsy and struggle with your learning disability. Still, you remain strong. You had a fighting spirit. You stopped having it at 19. You became broken. Something inside died. And you had no idea how to get it back. or how to heal. Or how to explain this pain inside that didn't leave visible scars but just the same, affected exactly how you functioned. It would take you 20 years of learning lessons, pain, joy, and most of all, steps, towards that healing journey to become a whole person. A dream you never thought was possible. You learned not only to survive but thrive and become the beautiful person people already saw. But that you saw. And I don't mean physical. I never doubted my physical beauty. I doubted my value. I doubted my worthiness to take space in the world. I doubted my intellect. I doubted I mattered to anyone. Or that my thoughts and opinions meant anything. I craved to be substantial. All I ever Wanted by Jim Brickman is on. The Universe smiles. What a perfect song. All I ever wanted was this whole. And here you are. You get to tell yourself you are whole. Are there cracks still here and there? Yes. In fact, those imperfections are something you chose to leave there because it makes your story and you, more beautiful. More substantial. My ex husband, Woody's birthday is today. I remember dates. August 1. March 16. April 8. December 1. Those are just dates in my story that play a big role in my life. I did find out something rather odd and wonderful about him, though. Through grapevine of sorts, I found out the name of his second son. Xavier. That's right. The name of my rapist. Now, on first look, someone might think this is a negative. No no. Woody knows my story. Every man that got to love me learned that story so I could help them understand why I am the way I am. I imagine his wife picked the name. But hey okayed it. Knowing its backstory. I cried tears of joy. Because there is a beautiful baby boy that the Universe is putting into the world. It's hard to explain. Just know...I found this as a positive. And appreciated my ex husband in a new way. We were not meant for each other. We could not appreciate each other like our current spouses do. No one can appreciate and love me like Jeremy does. He may be clumsy at times. But that man loves me with all of his being. And values me as this amazing woman. And I got to see it in writing!!! lol So, Jess...
as you get ready for work....take a minute to remember how far you've come. To appreciate the beautiful people in your life. Even the beautiful people who are no longer in your life. And smile. You are amazing. A silly Unicorn, Queen Sparkles. Never let anyone dim that sparkle and shine. Because it shines brightly. Do you understand me?
Thursday, April 20, 2017
I haven't tuned into one of my favorite guilty pleasures. Especially when one of my favorite individuals is on there. I love and loathe watching Dancing with the Stars. It's hard to explain. But I love the dancing. It's an art that brings my heart to its knees. I've imagined dancing like that myself. I even imagined dancing the rumba with Jeremy. That is monumental since he would tell you he is no dancer. He's better than he thinks he is. Anyway, I am watching it because of Normani. I have watched her and the girl group, Fifth Harmony since they were put together on a little show called the X factor. Is it weird, that even then, I saw one member not fit in into this beautiful fluid group, that no matter what success or failure they had, they had each other. It shows on their faces. Except for one. And fast forward, that one is gone. Their sound is different. Different roles have been shifted. Ally who is actually from here, has flourished and allowed to spread her wings more since the departure of odd girl out. Shows like that do have to bring showmantic presentation. But there is a sense of truth of how a year can change someone's life. I watched a couple of dances of hers right now. I watched her rumba and smiled because it was song they did the first time as a group. And the song was "Impossible". These girls and I are worlds apart. Yet, through music and through dance, there is a mutual appreciation of the love we have in our life in order for us to make our dreams come true. Perhaps, if I had done life differently, I'd be blogging as a choreographer. But somehow, I am exactly where I need to be. For others. And it feels good. And I dance...Just in a kitchen or living room now. It's like own private club lol
Wednesday, April 19, 2017
Self therapy means I remind myself how to say no. I like watching these videos.
When getting new assignments, the risk is always whether or not it's a good fit. Yesterday was a test run on whether I wanted this as my Tuesday. All I can say is No. It's not a good fit. I don't like being a go between. I don't like to have to confront and tell a client one thing because a members says it's the last word when the client tells me...welp, you're good to go. In other words, I don't like to force myself on anyone. Today, on the other hand, was incredible. My new client is amazing. We hit it right off. She was clear about the care I needed to give her. And I like that. And as I continue to be her caregiver I can figure out the ins and outs of it. For example, I learned not to assume a client has a microwave. So, for lunch I was going to wait until after work to eat. I had something at home. Now, I can do microwaveables, given that I know they have one. A good fit is important. You can't force the assignment. After all, depending on the needs, I can help with gentle help as a client has most of their independence to having to do more of the caregiver side. I am a companion. I am a caregiver. Sometimes I am just companion. I call it being a Professional friend. I liken it to being paid to hang out with a friend. My friend just happens to be the elderly kind. And then, there are other times I am helping them as a caregiver. Spouses may not be able to help. Adult children work. And that's where I come in. It's not glamorous but I help them keep their dignity. I help them not to feel so disheartened because they can't help themselves like they used to. I don't know how many conversations I've had where they speak of the anguish they feel to ask for help. They wrestle with having to ask for help. But know they're at a point to need it. I got the Unicorn frappuccino today. It looks like a diabetes attack waiting to happen. Surprisingly it is more tropical. Course, someone was telling me if I had stirred it I would've gotten a more sour taste. Problem was I was texting a friend about something and I was distracted by the conversation. It was another feeling like I'm in the middle. In the end, I told them something was off without telling them. Oh wait. Work is calling. Ah...healthy boundaries. I am slowly learning to say no. Do you know how hard that is for me sometimes? I start feeling guilty. And I told them no, twice. lol Damn, Jess. A good fit is very important. It was a conversation I had with a new friend I met today. We were both caregivers for different agencies and accompanying our clients to doctor visits and therapy appointments. A good fit is exactly what we talked about. In life, in general. Through the Dark from Helen Jane Long is on. Here is a picture of that Unicorn frappuccino.
Tuesday, April 18, 2017
What a Monday. I went to work. Seemed like so much happening at once! I was trying to set up a doctor's appointment that I seemed to have to reschedule again. And for good reason! Work called me to offer my ideal schedule. I had been holding out on a schedule that I wanted. I felt like I had earned it. And I took the offer so I have a new permanent assignment. It's the right amount of days, ideal work hours I like, and the right amount of distance. In addition to that, they offered me promising one of today. I'm filling in today. But if I like it, it's all mine. I've had two assignments before. I'm excited. After work, I am planning to see my friend. It's going to be different since I'm not her caregiver anymore. But I know she's in good hands with the caregiver. I likened MAS to my cousin. Not only that, yesterday's assignment asked me to come back Friday. I fill in Wednesday on my new assignment. Then, next week, it's my new schedule. In all this, I was texting Jeremy to reschedule lunch. In the end, we went back to our original day we usually go on. Still have to change that appointment. I love my job. I know it's not glamorous and I don't get paid big bucks. However, this job changed my life. This job contributed to my healing as well. I feel a sense of guilt because I went to school for massage. And I also have a master's in psychology. I, at least use my degree in psychology a lot more. Because I connect well with people, it's not unusual for people to share stories, happiness, pain...whatever. I'm a therapist of sorts. I don't offer advice. I ask the right questions so you figure it out on your own. You just needed the right soundboard. I offer insight. Lotus Field by D'rachael
Monday, April 17, 2017
They say time heals all wounds. They say death becomes easier to handle as time goes by. Does it? My Grandma passed away 15 years ago. That seems like a lifetime ago. In some ways it was. Back then, I was Jessica Moser, a military wife. And yet, yesterday as festivities of Easter played around and pictures could be seen in Facebook, it still hit me hard. It hit me the hardest when I saw some Easter Eggs in a basket. Except for an exception of two, we haven't celebrated Easter. It's too much of a reminder of her. You could argue we should. We celebrate Christmas or Thanksgiving, after all. But Easter...I took a minute to catch my breath. And I got through it. I'd say because I had a secret weapon or arsenal for myself. And I'm married to him. Certain situations that only I can understand why they're significant to me have had me face my inner demons. I guess this was a test of how much I had grown. Yes. I had a tear or two. But I went back in and continued. I simply asked for dimes so I could take them to her house. Something I always do. Only, this time, the owners were there. I could, as always just go quickly and put them on the tree I usually set them on. Instead, I approached them. Unfortunately, there was a language gap. Luckily, a young man, a nephew, I presume, helped out. I set the dimes on the tree and left. The Traveler by Paul Cardall is on. And now Mending your own Mind by Dean Evenson. That makes me smile. Mending my own mind. That's a good way of looking at this. If someone were to ask if Death becomes easier with time. I'd have to say no. Her death pains me as much as the day her hand was in mine. I held her hand as she passed. It hurt again as I did the same for Jeremy's Grandpa. And that was a gift I gave to Jeremy. To be there for him when he couldn't. I was the most suitable person for the situation. And he gave me that gift. Trusting me in that moment to be there for our family members. But no....for me, death doesn't become easier. Neither does loss for that matter. I accept my reality. I accept people no longer in my life, whether by death or circumstances. I accepted my divorce like that. Honestly, I don't think there is a right or wrong way to cope with someone's death. People cope with life and pain differently. That's what makes their personality. On a car ride over. a strange conversation emerged from Jeremy and I. But in the end, the point I was making was THAT event changed who I would become. While people tell you don't let it define you, it does. What I think they're wanting to say is don't let it define how you live your life. My thoughts and values manifested from that and other events. But that was the most...traumatic one. Which sounds strange aloud with some of the things I have shared about my ex husband and ex boyfriend. But they wouldn't have existed if I knew my value then. I told Jeremy I respect his opinion. I value it immensely. But in the end, it's just that. An opinion. That's the difference in where I see my value. Maybe my pain has changed too because of healing. I cried a few tears but I was able to go back in and continue. That's something to think about. In the meantime, I need to get ready for work. I'm filling in.
Thursday, April 13, 2017
My job does have an occupational hazard. Saying good bye to a client can be tough. I'm doing that today. There's that. I rested up to prepare for the emotional drain. I know myself well enough. I feel better rested. Connection is so important. It was something I was talking about, this morning, with a friend. I was telling her I see it when I smile with people I care about or smile when we talk. I love my morning texts to my panel. 4 amazing people with different personalities. Different perspectives. Sometimes, it's about affirmations. Sometimes, it's about things happening. Like a day like today. Or whether a supporting character in the story of my life randomly popped up, my DNA results etc ...We talk about dreams, fears, perspectives, character traits, healing, etc. There isn't anything we don't talk about. or that I don't share with one but not the other. If it happens, it's more like a life thing. Not because I can't share. Rocket to the Moon by Jim Brickman is on. I haven't heard this song before. It's on Angel Eyes Radio. I usually have it on Spa Radio when I blog but it was an Angel Eyes Radio kind of day. Oh wow....The Goodbye by Jeanine Tesori just came on. How interesting. I love also giving you soundtrack to my blog. You know what I was listening to when I was writing. And you might go and check out some of the music yourself. I love when I share youtube videos too. I like sharing, in general. It feels like some version of connection even if we never talk, per se. Each of you readers has a different reason for reading me. Sometimes you need a narrative to a story playing. Sometimes you might need a reference to a problem I'm having and you might have it too and I share my take. Sometimes, you need to know someone cares about you or that I think of my beautiful space. Yes, bloggers. I think of you. I imagine what you are doing in your lives. Remember, it's not jut US that reads me at this point. It's places all over the world. Even if just one is reading me. France, you blow me away. That's all I have to say. Sometimes, you need a routine. Let's check out that woman Jessica K's blog. Sometimes you need to feel a connection. Whether you're a friend reading me, where I actually know you. Or a stranger reading me where I don't. I stopped asking people about reading my blog. Some have revealed they read my blog. Some I'll never know that they did. And that's okay. In fact, it's better. When I started this blog I really didn't know what I would have to write about. I mean...what thoughts were important that anyone would want to read them? It's been suggested IRL that perhaps at times it felt like a bashing session on people. It wasn't. It was my hurts spilling out to the page. It wa,s in a sense like a diary. But I am sorry if I hurt anyone by it. And then, it took on a life of its own regarding my healing journey. When someone gets raped, people think about the more physical part of it. You can get over it. Or don't think about what happened. But there is more emotional damage that people can't see with the scars that remain. I blocked it out enough to continue with life. I created aspects of my life to continue with life. Welcome to coping mechanisms for a survivor. At least for this survivor, that is what happened. However, my emotional radar and my emotional capacity to handle pain sort of busted. I was on my way to healing when I fell apart inside. I started all over again. And better this time. I had to fall apart. Because it wasn't time for me to meet my rapist after all these years. It wasn't time to report him. It wasn't time to go to the Rape Crisis Center and sit down with Kate. That's how I feel. Things fell into place because it was the right time. And this time around, I was ready. I was ready to heal myself. And here's another thing for my journey that I do. You get to see the face of a survivor. You get to see the smile. I even show you my tears sometimes. I show you that vulnerability because it's important to see it. Do I think you'll judge me? Sure. Am I worried you will. Yes! After all, you're a faceless audience for me. I don't know who reads me. And yet, that space. That beautiful quiet space is exactly why I can connect to you. I do this blog for me. But I also do this blog for you. Connection. So, think of me today, when I go to work. I will be emotional inside and trying to hold it together. I connected immensely with this assignment. It will be tough to say goodbye.
Wednesday, April 12, 2017
I think the timing is beautiful that I got the name history for Kearney and my DNA results come in for my Ancestry. There isn't a real surprise of my Native American Ancestry. What is surprising is the percentage. I was expecting 80% or more. Instead, it was 52%. Iberian peninsula came up. I was scrambling to find it on the map. It's a mountainous region that's most associated with the countries of Spain and Portugal. That would explain the Figarora more. There is also 8% Italian and Greek. It gets a little confusing for me because I was trying to add up the percentages. That only made up 75. Until I started looking more on a tab that saws low confidence regions. I'm trying to understand chromosome definitions and identifying a gene. Here's where I am trying to get clarification. When I add the whole thing up, it comes to 100%. The percentages that I see. But some confuse me on where exactly the region they are speaking about and what does low confidence region mean? Africa 8%, Asia 2%, Europe 35%(15 Iberian Peninsula, 8% Italian/ Greek, and 6% Europe West. ) 52% Native American, and 3 % West Asia. So, there it is. It also has members that range from very likely 4th cousins to very likely 2nd cousins. This is mind blowing. The whole experience is mind blowing. It seemed fitting for my 40th birthday. I had been wanting to do it for years but somehow, my 40th birthday was THE time. Likewise, with the Kearney Coat of Arms. I had been wanting to get that for Jeremy even when we were dating. But somehow, his 41st (a redo 40th, really for me lol) was THE time. I've admitted to myself that maybe I see too much symbolism in things. But somehow, I smile and appreciate the timing of both items. This is our history. And while we didn't have a biological child together to pass our blood along, we are connected to this history....together. That revelation has a deep meaning for me. I looked at my living room/dining room area. And I saw connection, history, and deep meaning. I love the area. It feels like a sanctuary. It's even been called that. History plays a part in how we connect with people. I often see this as I reflect back on Jess Ortiz versus Jess Kearney. Both who were and still are enamored by Jeremy Kearney. There is that chemistry that has yet to dim. There is that friendship where we send things to each other or tell each other things that we get as inside jokes or something exclusive to our understanding. There are the talks where we discuss, share ideas, debate, and learn from each other. Years ago, I couldn't get Jeremy to open up to me. Today, he shares something about himself or reveals something about his thoughts more easily that just makes me more fascinated with the man I married. He intrigues me. No one has quite intrigued me like Jeremy. The good, the bad, and the Jeremy. His family has kept up more with their genealogy. He's ancestry is predominately German and Irish. However, he does have a significant amount of Native American. Finding out my history through DNA has been such a beautiful experience. It's approximately $100 but I see it as an investment. And you might just learn a thing or two about yourself, whether by DNA or something even deeper within your identity. Also...5% Irish!!!!!. I forgot about putting that.
Tuesday, April 11, 2017
I love watching her
I was definitely looking forward to today. I needed to recover from Epic birthday fun. I also needed to recover from what I call a life blip. You know...you're skipping along in life like a happy little lark and life throws a rock at you, in the head. But therapy helped me to react to moments like that. And this was a perfect opportunity to use my newly found skills. I got through work. On my way home, however, Hello from Adele came on and there I was...crying. A single tear or two. I'm a sensitive soul. I warned you. I came home and told Jeremy about my day, as I always do. We ask how our days are. I love that. I'm coming to the end of my chapter with my assignment. The occupational hazard of my job is that my clients eventually need much more medical help than I can give them. I'm not a nurse. I've been mistaken for one. No worries. I already got called to fill in. It's about building a reputation and I have a rock star reputation with work. I do like permanent assignments and then just picking up shifts. I had a beautiful therapeutic conversation with a member of the panel. I needed it to sort through some things. I feel better. If there is something to take away about people's opinions about is...Take it into consideration. They are entitled to their thoughts and feelings. But in the end, it's just an opinion. Don't put stock in anyone's opinion of you, except for you. The I get it french lessons moment...or as Oprah likes to call it...an aha moment was that I have been trying to have this click in my head since the rape happened. And somewhere, the lesson was not learned. Until last year. Until reporting him. Until therapy. Until emerging from my pain and seeing all the hard work I have done to make this life for myself. Whether it's work, my friends, my family, my marriage, or even just within myself....I worked hard to find this peace and happiness. I used to call it Zen but life doesn't allow for that. At least if you have a regular life, not Gweneth Paltrow's life. But to find this balance is something I work for every day. So...balance, it is. I found a frame for the Kearney history coat of arms. It's been a dream of mine to get it. I would get mine but my name is complicated with the whole Ortiz/Figarora thing. And what a perfect year to get it too. I'm still waiting on my DNA thing. So...it worked out so well that this year I got the Kearney coat of arms. It's going on the wall between our paintings and underneath our wedding stitch art. In Dreams by Lorie Line is on.
Monday, April 10, 2017
Jeremy got a lot of compliments on his shirt. *Beams proudly* He would say my wife knew exactly what to get. It was perfect
Not going lie. I feel fucking beautiful here. What a difference a year makes. Here's to a healing journey