Wednesday, June 21, 2017
It was a conversation I was having with a friend who had just experienced betrayal. And we were talking about trust as currency. It was the idea that when two people, whether friends, significant others, parents, kids, or somewhere in between all of that, have trust in each other and build that trust, you can build so much. You have to commit to being forthcoming and transparent. And in some ways, have a sense of vulnerability. That is not easy in this day and age for a lot of people. You'll find people like that. I did. It took a while. But I learned to know what I was looking for. It was something on my mind. I hope you have a sparkling day.
Thursday, June 15, 2017
It started with Despacito. I became hooked on that song. It got me dancing. And off I went to find a Zumba routine. Then, today, I found Michele Vo on You tube. She reminds me of my Zumba instructor, Christina, when I used to go to a class. I love dancing. Dancing gives me a happiness that I can't even describe and Zumba always incorporated this way of dancing while working out. I loved it. And I am falling in love with Zumba all over again.
Monday, June 12, 2017
To fix or mend (a thing suffered from damage or fault)
It's what I looked up with the idea of repair. Whether it was for an inanimate object, a relationship, or something else in between. So why is repair on my mind? Well, for starters we got our showering fixed in our room. It had been out of whack. With Thomas coming in and out more frequently, it was time to get going. And within two weeks of an appointment, we got it done. Aquifina time, a nice addition to a beautiful but older home, and watching my husband put tile on our shower were all beautiful outcomes of this project. I also got my hair done again. My hair was suddenly becoming dry. My regular shampoo and conditioner 2 in 1 was suddenly crapping out. My hair needed repair. So, haircut it was. That always makes me feel good. I was, I suppose in the a beauty regime mood yesterday because I also got my favorite nail polish and some eye cream to deal with my dark circles. Ah, the dealings of getting older. I don't use much product for anything really. Whether make up, skin care, or hair, I am a bit of a minimalist. It's worked for far but I am getting older. I also found my drink mix things with electrolytes. So it was also about repairing my body. Or at least mend myself, so to speak. So...Repair. That's the word in my head today. In terms of relationship, some of it is from having time together in a space we used to cherish. Some of it is me feeling less grumpy regarding my body and letting it affect my attitude. Some of it is to not necessary repair, but maintenance. Which is something to do so repair is not needed so much. I'm off to work. Have a beautiful Monday. Here's me with my new haircut.
Thursday, June 8, 2017
Yesterday, while life was still turning, someone took a big step getting back her independence. There is such an honor to being witness to someone's journey. I have watched "Clare" struggle as I help her to still giving her stand by assist...but she's getting stronger. Yesterday, we had home therapy. She no longer goes to therapy. Now, it's a matter of her doing it. I put on some calm music for her and she walked and did other things to strengthen herself. If that wasn't enough, she helped me with cooking. Now, that might seem like such a small thing. But as I watched her cooking, making sure to hold the pan and be a barrier for her in case she became weak, I was awestruck at this person. I have such admiration of her fighting spirit. And while she and I have many moments of quiet, there are moments of connection, in some way. She's not a big talker. When she does open up, it's beautiful stories that I find out about her past. It's beautiful stories of who she is. Yesterday, we were talking about Genealogy and ancestry. It was a beautiful and productive day. It was a profound moment being witness to a journey. And it was an honor being exactly in that space. Gently Down by Liquid Mind is on.
Tuesday, June 6, 2017
So now that Lovie1 has graduated and has this place as "college home", I figured I would give him a name. Not his real name. A code name. Ethan, if I had birthed a child. And by all practical purposes, "Ethan" has always seemed like what my biological child would come out like. He looks like me. He has a lot of my traists. Today was my day off. I had a hot lunch date with Jeremy. Our friend LT was going to stop by and check on our our game console. It crapped out. But "Ethan" and I were texting. I explained I like checking up on my friends so it seemed natural to also check in on him. He was doing great but was hoping I could bring some stuff from home. He wasn't exactly sure of the housing place name. But in the cobwebs of my mind when I went to UTSA, I remember a housing name close to what he was saying. I have Google on my side so I confirmed orientation students were indeed housed at this place when I called. And waited until he was free from obligations of school. I was being helped by a girl who was part of the reception desk at the housing. I had texted I was there. And she said it would be okay to call him. I was about to do that. I smiled and my heart melted just being able to say I was dropping something off for my son. I was about to call when I saw him. I had put the items in a back pack. Plus, two insta meals he didn't need to refrigerate. I didn't expect a hug. After all, we're in public. But he did. Because he's my son. I asked about dinner for tomorrow. He may or may not be home by then. He has to stay on campus. I told him I had put two insta meals in there for him and turned to leave and gave him a backwards air kiss. We just talked for a little while right now. LT took a look at the console and worked his magic. It works again. It wiped out the game we finished but I don't care. Again, just checking up on how Ethan's day was, I texted him how things were going. We talked for a bit. I shared some of my experiences and the opportunities that come with having a college experience. I let him know how I was proud of him. And then proud he was going to my alma mater. This was unexpected and wonderful. As "Ethan" has his college experience, I will reflect on mine along with being able to share in his stories and experiences. I did some laundry and dishes. Now, time for more House of Cards binging.
Saturday, June 3, 2017
You know the words you say...I'll never forget when I....
I think I can successfully say that about Lovie's big day. I had it all planned out. I was going to take pictures. I was going to capture that moment. What I hadn't counted on was being on the wrong side of the stadium. Or that the succession of how the graduates was going was nothing I had ever noticed before. It went from left to right as an alphabetical way. But when the names got called out, it was like starting from the top of the alphabet...and the bottom. My poor brain, with all my excitement going on, struggled to keep up with the names. I started looking at the program. Jeremy helped me to remember pause for a name you won't see...and then look for a name that goes closer to Lovie's name. Soooo...there I was...it's about to happen. Then name is called. I scream my head off...in the auditorium. Can you imagine that? That's not the crazy part. I could handle making a fool out of myself for that one moment. No....it was the next part. I forgot that stadium seats come up. And down I went. I wanted to say..."I swear, people". "I'm not drunk!" And I lost the shot. I managed to capture one before he takes the official picture with the principal. So I didn't feel like a complete failure. Jeremy took video and I got to enjoy it later. And some official pictures came through a website where I downloaded them. But there you have it. I'll never forget when I fell and missed one of the biggest moments of my Lovie's life. It's pure Jess. I'm laughing now. It's a funny story now. I hope graduations you are enjoying have as much funny and happiness. And remember...smile the next time you have a bad day...I'll never forget when I read some blogger fell off her chair. I feel like a short story somewhere. !Quick...someone write it! It's certainly a memory now
Wednesday, May 31, 2017
I happened to check my audience numbers, here and there. I have a spike in UK followers. I just want to let you know you've been on my mind. I'm so sorry for your losses. But you're not alone. It breaks my heart each time I see such horror like the attack you received. There is a quote that Mr. Rogers has that explains when he was a boy and saw scary things, his mother would always point out, "Look for the helpers. YOu will always find people who are helping". So instead of focusing on the coward(s), I salute those who helped and continue to. I pray for the families who lost loved ones. And while it's not much, I'm giving you a virtual hug...right now. Prayers and positive thoughts.
In 2 days, one of the lovies is graduating. Ready or not, it's happening. I am excited for this new chapter. But part of me is not ready for this chapter to be over. I've often thought of what it would feel like being the mom of a high school graduate. Old. lol I feel old. But proud. I feel so proud of the individual Lovie1 has become. Work is great. "Clare" ended her therapy today but still wants me to stay on as her caregiver. Jeremy is still studying. Not much else. Just wanted to update you. I'm enjoying blogging about the quotes, btw. I just figured I would blog about the quotes and every once in a while, just let you know I'm doing ok. Until next time!
Sunday, May 28, 2017
I wished I had stayed in my costume but it was too hot. This picture was taken after I found the other booth at lunch
Hot damn!!! She looks amazing. Look at the smile on my hubby's face lol Definitely one of my favorite pictures
I love Unicorns and this business cracked me up. It's artwork of different characters killing unicorns. I put down its head getting severed by Doctor via an accidental door close of the Tardis. Yes. I am disturbed. I did that because the Doctor doesn't kill. Yes. I am disturbed. lol
Yesterday was so much fun. Jeremy and I went as the 11th Doctor and River Song. My husband was a little celebrity. It was so cute. I was amused that no one really knew whom I was. I had the outfit on but I don't have curls. I didn't sell it well, I suppose. That was okay. I love taking all the pictures. We got there about 10ish? We went with DA and "L" again. Some of my favorite pictures included: Groot and I, Belle and I, Snape and Jeremy(as Doctor Who) dueling it out, getting Snape and Sybill Trelawney, the Hufflepuff girl and I, Jeremy with the Dalek, and Me with the Tardis. It's safe to say I have a lot of favorites. I did get a little sick. The costume contest had strobe lights. I thought I did a good job of averting my eyes but I felt ill for a little bit when we went to Kimora, a place DA's friend owns. It's a good place. Here are the pictures.Oh! Here's a funny. Chris Kirkpatrick from NSYNC was next to Nick Carter from Backstreet Boys. I got more Kirpatrick because he had done other work but I was a little confused on Nick Carter. I had thought about getting Karen Gillian's photo op thing but I can't rationalize to myself paying a certain amount of money for a celebrity. Karen Gillian is Amy Pond and Nebula. Enjoy the pictures. We had so much fun.
Thursday, May 25, 2017
LIFE IS NOT MERELY TO BE ALIVE BUT TO BE WELL
I really enjoy introducing you, if I am, to new quotes and philosophers. It almost seems fitting for today. Jeremy pointed something out and I had to correct him. I mentioned it was the death anniversary of a friend who had committed suicide. He thought it odd that I, what he perceived, celebrated a morbid thing. I explained I don't so much celebrate as I do, acknowledge. We don't just want to exist in this world. We want to experience life at its fullest. And most often, with those who can truly appreciate experiences with us. I actually had trouble processing what the meaning was trying to convey. I imagine there is some liberty in how a quote can be interpreted. However, most of the times, the general message is conveyed to people. My happiest gain from living this life is sharing stories and hearing stories of how people got to Point A to Point B and the lessons they learned. Whether it's how they met, how they got into that career, the kind of people they met along the way, the struggles they have had. All of it. I learn so much from these stories. I don't want to merely exist. I want to experience life. I want to travel to places. I want to meet people with different perspectives. And that's what I do. And I do it with a partner in crime. That's the best part. Tomorrow is my 1 year work anniversary. What a milestone. This past year has been such an eye opener, in such a profound and good way. I can't wait to see what's in store for us. And myself.
Monday, May 22, 2017
YOU ARE THE ONE WHO CAN STRETCH YOUR OWN HORIZON
Funny enough, this quote jumps my mind into another quote of sorts. Basically, I have the power to write my narrative. Only for a long time, I didn't realize this. Amazing conversations yesterday with friends. I love being able to share ideas and perspectives with friends. We are different ages. Most times, Jeremy and I are older than our friends. It's not intentional. Just tends to happen. Back to the thought at hand. I have the power to write my narrative. The biggest part of my narrative that I wanted to convey was contribution. My constant question was whether I contributed good idea. Do my thoughts and values count for something was always a question that was never far from my mind. I second guess my thoughts. I dismissed that my idea or take on something was silly. And nowadays, maybe it is silly. And maybe for that moment, silly is exactly what is needed. Who knows? The point is, my thoughts mattered. It mattered that I shared my thoughts and values to people that cared to know. It mattered that I shared my thoughts and values to people who supported what I believed in. So, today...think about writing your narrative and what that means to you? What is the biggest message you want to convey?
Thursday, May 18, 2017
I miss you so much. You were always a fixture of my life. Of happiness that I had in my life. Spending those last moments with you, holding your hand, as you slipped away from this world, was probably one of the hardest moments to endure. But I didn't want to leave your sight. Thank you for waiting for me. Thank you for holding on just enough for me to get to you. I got the first flight out. It's been 15 years. It doesn't make it any easier. It was hard to endure again when I was holding Jeremy's Grandpa the same way. But I knew it was something I had to do. Jeremy had just gone back to work that Monday. I miss you so much. Tomorrow is your death anniversary. But somehow, today, it kinda of hit me as I was writing my blog. So I wanted to write into the void. My quiet spaces have lost loved ones. They understand missing someone so much. So...that's why I am writing to you and telling you I miss you so much. I wished you could have met Jeremy. You would have loved him. He's a pain in the ass but he is crazy about your granddaughter. Hope you're having fun in heaven or wherever you are. I hope you got to meet Aaron. I don't know what really happens to people who commit suicide. But I'd like to think they get a chance at heaven if they help out people on Earth. I love when you send me dimes. I loved how you told me every time I saw a dime you would be saying hello. I don't care that no one really believes that. I do. I love you and miss you. This was taken in 2001. I was graduating from college.
How we spend our days, is of course, how we spend our lives. She made a sentence so simple. And yet, so profound. It actually reminds me of something I inherited when my Grandma passed away. Tomorrow is her death anniversary. I miss her.
The quote was" Life is God's gift to us.
What we do with is our gift to God." (A.R. Bernard)
My spirituality has definitely evolved. Jeremy calls me a deist. I was comfortable with that label. Especially since I didn't want a label on my spirituality. Some days, God is God. And other days, God is Universe, a Goddess of sorts. Back to today's quote. It does encompass what we decide to put on our energy into. Negative? Anger? Instead, we can spend our day in joy and in happiness. And in the positive. It was a conversation I had some time ago that reminded me to stay the course of positive even with a negative lining. Today, on my time line, I posted this odd quote of sorts. There is so much awful in the world. But if you look for it, there is much beauty and wonderful in the world. Glass half empty or half full? Just making room for more vodka! Inspiration can come anywhere, everywhere. Just gotta look for it. Now, where's that cinnamon vodka again? You know me and comic relief. The inspiration today came in the form of one of my former classmates and friends fighting in stage 3 cancer. She had posted a picture of herself bald. What a ballsy and wonderful move. I even used the f word without bleeping it. But the inspiration also came the other day with a former classmate of mine revealing the two year anniversary of her rape in a post. It was set as a poem. We can stay in the negative. We can stay in the angry. It's much harder to stay in the positive. But we're strong. We embrace our colorful lives and its many ebbs and flows of life. The Aviators by Helen Jane Long is on. We accept certain realities in our lives. We figure out what we can live with. What we can live without. Sometimes that also means whom. We find out deal breakers for ourselves and for others towards us. We find out about ourselves. We discover just how resilient we are. Or aren't. There is another story of not being resilient. And what that means for those around them. But that's another story. It's important how we spend our days. I hope we spend it well.
Tuesday, May 16, 2017
It's beautiful and interesting that of the many gifts I got from a loved one, one was a grumpy cat book and also a guided journal. But also a little booklet called, "Letters to my Future Self". Each year on August 1st I find something courageous to do or at least something out of my comfort zone. However, I might change it up a bit and include adventures with writing of sorts. I think I will start the book on August 1st of this year and open it up next year. A year of where I directly can say I started healing. This past August I became whole in the most unexpected way. By facing Javier. This next year can be about being whole, just by learning each day the power of healing. Next year, I can reflect upon it. Just last night, I had a conversation online with another survivor( a friend from high school.) It was the first time I had openly commented and identified Javier in any way. That was a step. I don't need to plaster his name. Just my quiet way of educating the public, advocating for survivors, and sharing my courage is enough. Sometimes, even just providing inspirational quotes and funny stuff is a way to be courageous. I show the world that this one thing did not define me. It's a big step for a survivor. It was helpful to learn my friend's story too so that I could relate or connect with it. It's not easy to choose to rise above the pain. And some days I find my inner demons winning a little more than I want. But between Jeremy, my support system, work, blogging, and other outlets, I find peace.