Kindness is free. Kindness is a beautiful feeling. It's harder when you are jaded. It's harder when you are bitter in this world. I should know. While, I would tell people I was okay...I was broken inside. But now....there are colors again. There is a rainbow. There is joy. I hope today brings you kindness or you bring it to someone. This world desperately needs it right now.
Monday, August 14, 2017
I have a new schedule. On Thursdays, I work 7 hours. Yes, 7. It's a client I had before so that helped and it's mostly companionship.I took it so that I have the freedom to be able to give "Ethan" lunch money or gas. And just preparing for an extra mouth to feed. Or be able to take all 3 of us to the movies or something. He's moving in very soon.There's a few things going on so it's been a little chaotic. It's a big reason I haven't been blogging. Trust me. I have plenty to say. Like what happened this weekend is just heartbreaking. But life has been happening. I had an evaluation this last Friday too. It was a very glowing review from "Claire". We get along so well. I love it. She makes me laugh so much. And I admire how much she is fighting to not need me. I also got introduced to a new artist. And you know how much I love when that happens. Mr. "Claire" ..hahahhhhaha (Hey...I gotta find some kind of code name) introduced me to Eydie Gorme. They made me a CD with all kind of amazing music on it. Jeremy and I were debating what kind of genre it was. I had it on for lunch. He thought it was Jazzhouse. I thought it was Coffeehouse. We settled on Lounge music. He was trying to figure out from the description he was giving it. So many awesome conversations transpire between Jeremy and I. We actually ended up talking about American Beauty, the movie (which he has never seen) and somehow talked about dynamics in relationships, impacts we make as significant others, and psyche of attraction. All in Aquifina time. My head space is in such a freeing and liberating state these days. I would say in the past I had good heads space but what I didn't figure in was the speed bumps I would have to experience. Life isn't Zen and as much as I wanted it to be, that's not a very healthy or realistic view. Now, I do my best to prepare for that speed bump. I rationalize now. And it's such an amazing feeling using this bright and beautiful brain of mine to rationalize things. It's a beautiful feeling to argue points that I have. MY VOICE is enough. It's more than enough. We're in a wedding so we have been dealing with that stuff too. I just thought I would at least blog an entry since I've been so busy and absent. I hope you have a sensational Monday. Dream Thirty from Liquid Mind is on.
Wednesday, August 2, 2017
Given my previous years on yesterday, it was actually a better day. However, a seizure was bound to happen. Coffee with CC was on the agenda. Past that, we didn't have one. I spent it with my nephew and nieces. At one point, I had a claustrophobic moment that wasn't helping me. But even then, I was better. I didn't have to go to therapy this year to do a check in. And the entire day I had people for me. Either through texts or Facebook. Yesterday has passed. Gotta go and get ready for work.
Tuesday, July 25, 2017
I am looking forward to "Ethan" moving in. I can't believe that soon I will be able to say I am a parent of a college student. That's crazy. I used to imagine this time, this moment. And now, it's here. It feels ...surreal. I'm looking forward to this new chapter.
Monday, July 24, 2017
I found this song. It's got a strange sound but I like it.
Life happens. Don't we say that? That's what was happening. Unfortunately, the game changer is not in our present. Jeremy is trying again in the future. The bright side is that the other test takers were not on their first time. They were at least on the their second, if not third time. This test is brutal. It will give us time to focus on the wedding coming up that we are in. And that "Ethan" is moving in. What else? I drove home at night. Which seems silly to report but for me that is huge. I drove home....in Jeremy's car, no less. Jeremy doesn't get a lot of times to just let loose. He always has to be the responsible one. I finally felt ready and confident. I don't want driving at night to become a habit but I feel better about it. I took Jeremy out to Cracker Barrel and movies. I love being able to do that. August 1st is coming up. I'm not really sure what I am doing that day. But I am ready for it. I didn't even need to make an appointment for therapy. That was another big step. Lotus Drum Meditation is on. I feel like I had more to tell you but it has slipped my mind. We shall figure it out.
Tuesday, July 18, 2017
I took Jeremy to the airport. He texted me in he was in San Jose. The radio silence begins. That was my idea. I wanted to make sure he was in game zone focus. I miss him already. It's just two days but still. I am keeping myself distracted with friend hangouts and work. And movies!!! I may do some reading too tonight before bed. Positive thoughts and good vibes. I'm so proud of Jeremy. This is a game changer. He's gotten two potential leads on jobs as well when he comes back. So...fingers crossed.
Tuesday, July 11, 2017
Where is my Mind by Maxence Cyrin is playing. This week is an adjustment...but in a good way. "Ethan" has been here doing some school stuff before officially moving in. Jeremy is home doing his training. Schedules are an adjustment. All of this is a beautiful adjustment. I just finished a Bollywood dance routine work out. That was intense. I'm glad I am trying to get back on a groove again. Last week I fell off the wagon in terms of motivation. I wasn't feeling well last week. But this week, I am better. I remember when life was Zen. Then, I remember when Life wasn't Zen. Then, I remember when life was me learning to live zenful in an unzenful life. It seems this blog is all over the place. And I am probably being vague. It's just because Jeremy has the computer for his training, I haven't been blogging. I've been lifing, so to speak. lol
I love to blog. I write what I am feeling. But I used to blog because I wasn't getting out pain, getting healing, growing...in order to create a healthy life for myself. I don't write in my love letters to myself all that often. I didn't miss blogging this week. A situation that normally would set me off actually helped me to convey my feelings in thoughts in a logical way. In a strange way, these days, I am feeling more grown up inside. I think a part of me is always going to feel childlike. Maybe we all do. Javier stunted certain aspects of me. It's why I needed to create the aspects in the first place. I needed to find a way to function. I actually thought I didn't have the emotional maturity to handle things. Only...now...I handle things. I'm the handle. I'm the responsible one. I'm the one being relied on for the "adulting" things. I guess I found out that certain situations in life forced me in some way to grow up. In March, when I had to be the adult, it changed the game for me, regarding life. From December to April I grew up in my healing. I understand more about myself and how to react to life when it's throwing shit at me. Before...I used to freeze. I didn't know how to react to certain things in life. Now, well....now...I feel like I can take on anything. And that's a beautiful place to be when you've lived your life feeling worthless. I have value. And I don't need validation from anyone for that anymore. My voice is the most important one. I'm adjusting....in a good way......Wind by Brian Crain is one
Thursday, July 6, 2017
So I heard back from the exam. I went today for my follow up and I need a follow up in 6 months. That was code for "if there was something really wrong, the doctor would've had you schedule with your doctor". At least that's what the radiology technician said. I admit. I was a little nervous. Especially, when the technician had to come back 2 more times to take the exam. I had an ultra sound and another mammogram. Yah to being 40. Just because seemed like a great reason to make Lasagna and cheesecake swirl. Plus, we're having "Ethan" for a week. Jeremy has his training all next week. They're 14 hours. Craziness. And then, next week is his test. It's crazy to imagine where I was a year ago today. I was a mess. I was figuring out my healing. I was dealing with the healing along with what I call rehealing. Pain is still pain. But after a while, time does heal wounds. What's helped me heal from the biggest pain was learning how to disconnect. It doesn't mean I don't acknowledge it happened. But I wanted to have a life where I could function, even with that knowledge running around. And somehow, I thought I was holding the pot together. But I was bubbling up for a catastrophe. And it was okay to fall apart. And to fall again. I learned how to live again. I learned how to really live.
Monday, July 3, 2017
Little Man's party was this weekend. Little One also is in town. That was great to see him! But the explanation for the blog entry is important. Traffic got crazy and BE's grill person was still stuck in traffic. So Jeremy stepped in and took over. He's a natural. I was telling some of the friends at the party the only reason I want to have a house is so we can have a backyard...so he can grill. lol It was such a warm and wonderful feeling seeing Jeremy in that role. I was conflicted about volunteering Jeremy. I don't like answering for other people. But he beat me to it. And then, I started taking pictures. Others took over after cake and presents. But I took pictures for EB so she could enjoy the moments. Because that was some moments for her. I have a front row seat to this wild ride called motherhood. Imagine the moms sitting in the ride. I love our Aunt and Uncle roles. The roles we play are perfect. I get my fix of doing mommy things without having to do all of it. I've and Jeremy have grown used to our childless parents role. Although, we are going to have "Ethan" soon, that is different. "Ethan" is a grown kid. The other wonderful part of the party was seeing Little One. He's grown up so much! It's crazy...Parrts of the Youngn crowd are not so youngn anymore. My client wanted to enjoy the festivities of the 4th early. So I have no shift today. I got called for a shift just a while ago but then, the client canceled all together. The upside is it woke me up. It's a fun thing to try to figure out why Criminal Minds is in your dream. That's about it. Today is Aaron's birthday. I think he would've been 38? It's still weird to realize he's gone. But such is reality. Anyhoo. I hope you have a safe 4th. I love and loathe the 4th. I love and loathe any time fireworks are used. Luckily, I will be distracted with friends that I won't notice it much. Be safe.
Friday, June 30, 2017
That's the name of the song right now. It's from Liquid Mind. It seems rather, fitting. Today's Quote is
EVERY ACCOMPLISHMENT BEGINS WITH A DECISION TO TRY
Edward T. Kelly
Now, isn't that a piece of truth to live by. When we set out to accomplish that goal, our hearts have to be in it. We have to want to do it. We have to TRY. That's easier said than done, if I'm being truthful about it. Not every goal I have set has come with my heart completely in it. In fact, if someone asked me of why I did certain goals or things, My reply, "It seemed expected of me". That's not a good reason. I have to want to do something for myself. Granted, it's important to compromise. But one has to take into account why they decide on things. What is their motivation? And if it's always for other people, you will ware yourself thin. I know I did. I still extend myself out and decide on things for other people. I am accommodating. However, I do step back and allow myself to decide if the decision will make me happy. I also have had to learn healthy boundaries. And how to say no. Or how to say.. "That's how you feel or think" or "That's your opinion. It doesn't mean it's the truth". Accomplishments come in different forms. I am an accomplishment all on my own. I've heard too many horror stories of survivors. I did something about it. I asked for help. It doesn't mean I was weak. It just means I didn't have the answers. Kate was that person. And funny enough, she didn't feel like she gave me answers. More like a friendly guide to help me on my journey. If nothing else, she was a great soundboard. And that's probably what I needed. So, today...we can think about it. Every thing we decide to do, make a decision to try. Have a beautiful and sparkling day!
Monday, June 26, 2017
I am feeling it today. So yesterday, I decided to to pick up a shift. While I was working, I saw an infomercial about this work out that was a fusion of Pilates and Yoga. I decided to look on You tube and see if I could find some work outs. Sure enough, there was some. I tried it yesterday. And I feel it!! I thought Zumba was brutal. You wouldn't think that you could sweat as though you just stepped out of sauna. Or that you would feel so sore. I also did some actual Zumba and a bit of cardio kickboxing. I'm trying to get into a routine during the week of working out two, if not 3 times a week. I, like some many of us am not motivated to work out. Here, I feel engaged. I think mixing it up also helps me to stay motivated. As soon as I came home from work, I took a nap. I needed it. Health has definitely been on my mind. I went for my first mammogram. I think. Somewhere in the cobwebs of my mind, I remember possibly going. I'm not positive. However, my doctor suggested I get one because of my age. I have a follow up. It could be nothing. But they discovered something that was concern for them. Jeremy has helped me to not freak out just yet from it. I'm glad he has. Otherwise, I'd be on full freak out. I will update when I find out the results. Symmetry by Yuri Sazonoff is on
Wednesday, June 21, 2017
It was a conversation I was having with a friend who had just experienced betrayal. And we were talking about trust as currency. It was the idea that when two people, whether friends, significant others, parents, kids, or somewhere in between all of that, have trust in each other and build that trust, you can build so much. You have to commit to being forthcoming and transparent. And in some ways, have a sense of vulnerability. That is not easy in this day and age for a lot of people. You'll find people like that. I did. It took a while. But I learned to know what I was looking for. It was something on my mind. I hope you have a sparkling day.
Thursday, June 15, 2017
It started with Despacito. I became hooked on that song. It got me dancing. And off I went to find a Zumba routine. Then, today, I found Michele Vo on You tube. She reminds me of my Zumba instructor, Christina, when I used to go to a class. I love dancing. Dancing gives me a happiness that I can't even describe and Zumba always incorporated this way of dancing while working out. I loved it. And I am falling in love with Zumba all over again.
Monday, June 12, 2017
To fix or mend (a thing suffered from damage or fault)
It's what I looked up with the idea of repair. Whether it was for an inanimate object, a relationship, or something else in between. So why is repair on my mind? Well, for starters we got our showering fixed in our room. It had been out of whack. With Thomas coming in and out more frequently, it was time to get going. And within two weeks of an appointment, we got it done. Aquifina time, a nice addition to a beautiful but older home, and watching my husband put tile on our shower were all beautiful outcomes of this project. I also got my hair done again. My hair was suddenly becoming dry. My regular shampoo and conditioner 2 in 1 was suddenly crapping out. My hair needed repair. So, haircut it was. That always makes me feel good. I was, I suppose in the a beauty regime mood yesterday because I also got my favorite nail polish and some eye cream to deal with my dark circles. Ah, the dealings of getting older. I don't use much product for anything really. Whether make up, skin care, or hair, I am a bit of a minimalist. It's worked for far but I am getting older. I also found my drink mix things with electrolytes. So it was also about repairing my body. Or at least mend myself, so to speak. So...Repair. That's the word in my head today. In terms of relationship, some of it is from having time together in a space we used to cherish. Some of it is me feeling less grumpy regarding my body and letting it affect my attitude. Some of it is to not necessary repair, but maintenance. Which is something to do so repair is not needed so much. I'm off to work. Have a beautiful Monday. Here's me with my new haircut.
Thursday, June 8, 2017
Yesterday, while life was still turning, someone took a big step getting back her independence. There is such an honor to being witness to someone's journey. I have watched "Clare" struggle as I help her to still giving her stand by assist...but she's getting stronger. Yesterday, we had home therapy. She no longer goes to therapy. Now, it's a matter of her doing it. I put on some calm music for her and she walked and did other things to strengthen herself. If that wasn't enough, she helped me with cooking. Now, that might seem like such a small thing. But as I watched her cooking, making sure to hold the pan and be a barrier for her in case she became weak, I was awestruck at this person. I have such admiration of her fighting spirit. And while she and I have many moments of quiet, there are moments of connection, in some way. She's not a big talker. When she does open up, it's beautiful stories that I find out about her past. It's beautiful stories of who she is. Yesterday, we were talking about Genealogy and ancestry. It was a beautiful and productive day. It was a profound moment being witness to a journey. And it was an honor being exactly in that space. Gently Down by Liquid Mind is on.
Tuesday, June 6, 2017
So now that Lovie1 has graduated and has this place as "college home", I figured I would give him a name. Not his real name. A code name. Ethan, if I had birthed a child. And by all practical purposes, "Ethan" has always seemed like what my biological child would come out like. He looks like me. He has a lot of my traists. Today was my day off. I had a hot lunch date with Jeremy. Our friend LT was going to stop by and check on our our game console. It crapped out. But "Ethan" and I were texting. I explained I like checking up on my friends so it seemed natural to also check in on him. He was doing great but was hoping I could bring some stuff from home. He wasn't exactly sure of the housing place name. But in the cobwebs of my mind when I went to UTSA, I remember a housing name close to what he was saying. I have Google on my side so I confirmed orientation students were indeed housed at this place when I called. And waited until he was free from obligations of school. I was being helped by a girl who was part of the reception desk at the housing. I had texted I was there. And she said it would be okay to call him. I was about to do that. I smiled and my heart melted just being able to say I was dropping something off for my son. I was about to call when I saw him. I had put the items in a back pack. Plus, two insta meals he didn't need to refrigerate. I didn't expect a hug. After all, we're in public. But he did. Because he's my son. I asked about dinner for tomorrow. He may or may not be home by then. He has to stay on campus. I told him I had put two insta meals in there for him and turned to leave and gave him a backwards air kiss. We just talked for a little while right now. LT took a look at the console and worked his magic. It works again. It wiped out the game we finished but I don't care. Again, just checking up on how Ethan's day was, I texted him how things were going. We talked for a bit. I shared some of my experiences and the opportunities that come with having a college experience. I let him know how I was proud of him. And then proud he was going to my alma mater. This was unexpected and wonderful. As "Ethan" has his college experience, I will reflect on mine along with being able to share in his stories and experiences. I did some laundry and dishes. Now, time for more House of Cards binging.
Saturday, June 3, 2017
You know the words you say...I'll never forget when I....
I think I can successfully say that about Lovie's big day. I had it all planned out. I was going to take pictures. I was going to capture that moment. What I hadn't counted on was being on the wrong side of the stadium. Or that the succession of how the graduates was going was nothing I had ever noticed before. It went from left to right as an alphabetical way. But when the names got called out, it was like starting from the top of the alphabet...and the bottom. My poor brain, with all my excitement going on, struggled to keep up with the names. I started looking at the program. Jeremy helped me to remember pause for a name you won't see...and then look for a name that goes closer to Lovie's name. Soooo...there I was...it's about to happen. Then name is called. I scream my head off...in the auditorium. Can you imagine that? That's not the crazy part. I could handle making a fool out of myself for that one moment. No....it was the next part. I forgot that stadium seats come up. And down I went. I wanted to say..."I swear, people". "I'm not drunk!" And I lost the shot. I managed to capture one before he takes the official picture with the principal. So I didn't feel like a complete failure. Jeremy took video and I got to enjoy it later. And some official pictures came through a website where I downloaded them. But there you have it. I'll never forget when I fell and missed one of the biggest moments of my Lovie's life. It's pure Jess. I'm laughing now. It's a funny story now. I hope graduations you are enjoying have as much funny and happiness. And remember...smile the next time you have a bad day...I'll never forget when I read some blogger fell off her chair. I feel like a short story somewhere. !Quick...someone write it! It's certainly a memory now
Wednesday, May 31, 2017
I happened to check my audience numbers, here and there. I have a spike in UK followers. I just want to let you know you've been on my mind. I'm so sorry for your losses. But you're not alone. It breaks my heart each time I see such horror like the attack you received. There is a quote that Mr. Rogers has that explains when he was a boy and saw scary things, his mother would always point out, "Look for the helpers. YOu will always find people who are helping". So instead of focusing on the coward(s), I salute those who helped and continue to. I pray for the families who lost loved ones. And while it's not much, I'm giving you a virtual hug...right now. Prayers and positive thoughts.
In 2 days, one of the lovies is graduating. Ready or not, it's happening. I am excited for this new chapter. But part of me is not ready for this chapter to be over. I've often thought of what it would feel like being the mom of a high school graduate. Old. lol I feel old. But proud. I feel so proud of the individual Lovie1 has become. Work is great. "Clare" ended her therapy today but still wants me to stay on as her caregiver. Jeremy is still studying. Not much else. Just wanted to update you. I'm enjoying blogging about the quotes, btw. I just figured I would blog about the quotes and every once in a while, just let you know I'm doing ok. Until next time!
Sunday, May 28, 2017
I wished I had stayed in my costume but it was too hot. This picture was taken after I found the other booth at lunch
Hot damn!!! She looks amazing. Look at the smile on my hubby's face lol Definitely one of my favorite pictures
I love Unicorns and this business cracked me up. It's artwork of different characters killing unicorns. I put down its head getting severed by Doctor via an accidental door close of the Tardis. Yes. I am disturbed. I did that because the Doctor doesn't kill. Yes. I am disturbed. lol