Friday, October 20, 2017
That's what I feel like with this blog. Tomorrow, I will take on a challenge. I am pulling an 8 hour shift. I don't usually work weekends. However, with next being the wedding and Friday, the dress rehearsal, I took off work. So I needed to make the hours. The good part is it's a fill in. I've had these clients plenty of time. It's a challenge. But I feel ready for it. We'll see how it goes. I also made a new recipe last night. The recipe actually came from one of my clients. My Thursday client's daughter gave me the recipe on my last shift. I made chicken enchilada casserole with refried beans and potatoes. It was delicious. There is something for me being up to a challenge. I know my limits on certain things and don't even dare try. Not for wanting to, sometimes. But limitations that I already are in place. Like a haunted house. Right now, I'm listening to a new radio station. My current client's husband introduced me to a new artist, Pete Fountain. So to Pandora, I went. It's a nice station. I gotta get ready for work. Have a most excellent day!
Tuesday, October 17, 2017
Who knew two words like that would send a profound message. And the first time I felt safe to really put out there I had been raped. It was beautiful and heartbreaking to see. It was the first time I had seen the troubles many of my friends had gone through. Some I had known about already. Many I had not known. And then, I was hearing stories of strangers. And it felt so familiar. Of course, in sharing the stories, there are those that victim shame. Or in ignorance, don't clarify that in the end, the victim doesn't have control over what happens to them. See, one thing I learned on this healing trip was my rape wasn't about sex. Sounds absurd since that's exactly what was violated, right? My virginity was a sense of pride for me. I coveted it. I thought I was waiting for when I was going to be married but I later figured that I would fall in love and I would give myself then. I also figured I would be about 20, 21, 22 when it happened. And it wouldn't be Javier. He had already cheated and lost his virginity. In retrospect, I realized it was mine he wanted. So, it wasn't a matter of if I was going to be raped. But when. By putting the pieces together of his control and how he treated. Of how he gaslighted me...well, the puzzle pieces make more sense now then they did then. I had to take a couple of Mental Health days and stay away from social media after the Harvey Weinstein story came out. It affected me deeply. I was relieved of the story coming out. But I was also overwhelmed and triggered. I have worked long and hard to function in a healthy way as a rape survivor. I, and I alone have the power to control my triggers. And sometimes, that control takes alot of strength. I remember a friend likening me to Xena, the princess warrior. They felt me being strong and keeping my walls up. At the time, I had to. I didn't understand the analogy. But all I knew was I wasn't ready to push my walls down and fully heal. I didn't even know where to start. It wasn't until Kate that I felt I knew my direction. I understand it now. And they are right. I am even stronger than I realize. You see. In addition to surviving sexual abuse and emotional abuse from one man. I endured physical abuse from two other men. But what I learned is that because of the sexual abuse I came with a vulnerability pocket that wouldn't have existed for the two that were physically abusive. Strangely, both of them never wanted to be THAT MONSTER. So, in that department, they did not abuse me. You can imagine how f*cked up I felt inside. When I did finally lose it, I was giggling with the partner. I felt safe. He made me feel safe. We are no longer together. But he protected me for that time so I could continue life. And be here today. And for that, I consider him a hero. I was also 22. So, in the end. I did give my precious gift to someone I was in love with. I don't know if men realize the amount of rules that women are given on how not to be sexually assaulted. The first time I got some kind of sexual harassment, I was 11. Some boys were pulling my bra. I was quite developed for an 11 year old. I've always been top heavy, if you will. The worst part was one of the teachers was encouraging it. I ended up reporting her and having her removed. In my 7th grade year, a jealous girl who was small, called me Ortits since my last name was so close. Ortiz. I wasn't ready for that kind of attention that early. Now, I'd have been like..yeah..and you little bits tits, you're jealous and you want some of mine. Through this article I read, it made me see how little a man has to go through to protect himself. And what it takes for a woman to. I believe we live in a rape culture. And that pains me.
Thursday, October 12, 2017
Life had a different path for me. But had I directed my own movie, I probably would be a choreographer. Something about hearing music and letting my body express through dance is like energy. It is breath. It is beauty. But since this is not my life, I love watching dancing. Especially ballroom and contemporary. I posted a song that somehow I felt described me. I don't know how to explain it. But if I close my eyes...I am dancing. I am there. I am me in this song.My happy song exists with that song. What is it about dance that makes me happy and sometimes, sad to see a story in dance? We come into this world with a purpose. We seek our entire existence in this life figuring out that beautiful and yet very daunting equation. Find your dance today. It doesn't have to be steps, per se. It just has to be how you, as a person find your way through life. There is so much negative out there these days, it's hard to find the positive. But here, as a tear drops from my face, from sadness and joy, here I see my dance. I see me. I see the beauty I bring to the world. And here, I share it with you. So that you may share it too.
Tuesday, October 3, 2017
Two years ago, I had what could only be called some version of a nervous breakdown.
It was because I wasn't just having a flashback of the rape. I saw it all. Over the years, I realized I had protected myself from blocking the entire incident out. I had "cliffnotes" of it. And that was enough for me, emotionally. But I needed to have that day. I needed to realized I needed to talk to someone about what happened. How it made me feel. And how I saw myself inside. Luckily, I had support the entire day. One friend even came over and stayed with me. That day started things in motion. It started the road to greater things. I'm here, in 2017, getting ready for work. I have learned how to listen to my mental health and physical health. I have learned to not take on too much. I have learned healthy boundaries and working with this odd need to please. These days, it's not so much about myself in selfish ways. But more so on being able self care so I can have a more full life. Uyll by Gary Stadler is on.
Monday, October 2, 2017
This weekend, I experienced something...well I'm not really sure I have had a feeling like that. For the many struggles I have had...friendships, my healthy, relationship with Jeremy, my rape, there was a part of my struggle I didn't touch upon. And even now, I won't identify it specifically. Group remorse was shown to me. I had to keep an open mind approaching this situation. But given the better head space I was in...I felt ready to face anything...or anyone. What a feeling. I felt fearless. It also went better than expected. All with support. "Ethan" and Jeremy were wonderful. I am lucky. I am blessed. I have support in so many places. It feels good. But it felt muted when I woke up this morning to a tragedy on television. It makes you want to not go anywhere. I avoid large crowds for health reasons. But these days, also for the many senseless tragedies. Unfortunately, I can't stop living my life. And that's part of it. Don't let a coward stop you from living your life. I don't know where all my thoughts are. I just was thinking about forgiveness and remorse today.
Wednesday, September 27, 2017
For better or worse, you can be transported somewhere. Your mind knows you're there. But the emotional trigger reminds you of something else. I was transported somewhere yesterday. I went to coffee with a friend but since she grew up in Europe, she has had a difference experience with coffee. Not your Starbucks vibe. She found a beautiful cafe. We were transported there. Since I have had my own experience living in Europe, I could relate. It was a beautiful experience. Sometimes, being transported is not the most pleasant thing. Before I knew how to control the triggers, I would get transported emotionally to very dark times in my life. It doesn't mean that memories or things or places or people don't have the power to trigger. It just means I have found a way to disconnect the trigger. I have found the disconnect to the power of that trigger. I recognized that later as Jeremy and I watched BladeRunner. We had wanted to refresh our memory again on that movie since we plan to go see the new one. And there was a visual that had the power to trigger. It was the stick figure men. I felt my blood rush over me. I forgot for a few seconds where in reality I was. But in the next few seconds, I had talked myself through it. Confidence. Belief in myself. What a beautiful feeling. Another big step was stepping outside my comfort zone and making a dish without any real recipe. It was a Greek dish, no less. Something I have not made before. It was such a gratifying feeling. And the faces of the guys. I love that I am exploring different culinary avenues. I want to make enchiladas next. And also, Indian Butter Chicken. After the Rain by Kevin Kern is on. It's a powerful feeling being transported.
Thursday, September 21, 2017
IT ISN'T THE GREAT BIG PLEASURES THAT COUNT THE MOST; IT'S MAKING A GREAT DEAL OUT OF THE LITTLE ONES...
It kind of follows the other quote I liked. What I got out of this quote was finding the magic in the smaller things. I don't necessarily have an extraordinary life by any standards. I am not on a tv show. I don't hold office. I haven't written a book. Yet, when I look at my life...I see an extraordinary life so far. I thrived under crazy circumstances. I hadn't even realized until recently how extraordinary that I still had a life to life. My life has played out like a Lifetime movie. And now it plays out like a Hallmark Channel. Or maybe like an OWN show. It has depth. It has meaning. I fill my life with meaning. Even if it's in small arenas. It's why I make a big difference to people. So making a great deal out of the little ones means seeing the magic in even the small parts of life. Blogging. Working. Family time. Listening to music. Doing my steps. Hanging out with friends. Sleeping. What I wear to work or when I'm off work. Sounds trivial. But for me, it means something. For me, I want to leave each day with meaning. Even if it's small. A Sublime Place from Erik Wollo is playing.
Tuesday, September 19, 2017
Calming Insight of Ourselves by Dean Evenson is on. How fitting. I love quotes. And on Mother's Day I was gifted with a box of them. I don't change them every day. I don't always use them for inspiration on blogging. But they are there for insight. Today's is SOMETIMES, THE BEST WAY TO MAKE A BIG DIFFERENCE IS ADDING UP LOTS OF SMALL ONES
-Queen Rania Al Abdullah of Jordan.
That is a great insight. Sometimes, when I was worried about the positive impact I was making on the world, I forgot to remind myself or point out, it could be one person at a time, one being at a time. It didn't even have to be human. It could be an animal. It could be the environment. Those small differences can add up to a big difference. Perhaps, in a small way, you reading this, makes a a difference. Last night, Jeremy and I were watching an Anime. Granted, it has a whimsical side and almost an ideological sense to it. But still, there we are finishing up the two seasons. It's about a witch. She doesn't come from a witch family. But she wants to be a witch. On the second to the last episode, she meets her idol. Only it's not in that wonderful way. It's more of identity revealed and could feel like betrayal. The part that stuck with me was the magic that happened. Positive and negative energy were being changed into energy. I was crying, of course. Jeremy is the one that actually found this anime. That makes me smile more. The name of the anime is Little Witch Academia. We also had a great dinner conversation with "Ethan". We were discussing accuracy in social media. It's on a essay he has to do. Insight is truly valuable. You learn something about yourself in the process. You learn something about the world. Today, that word will be on the brain. So is making a big difference with little ones. I hope you have a sparkling day. Time for coffee with CC and errands.
Sunday, September 17, 2017
Floating meadows from David and Steve Gordon is on. That was something that made me smile as Jeremy and I were enjoying dinner with our friends. There is a card game that I have been familiar with over the years but I didn't really understand it. I would say I didn't like it. But really, I said that because it confused me too much. I hadn't really given myself the chance to know if I liked it or not. So, last night after what can only be described as Restaurant style dinner. we played Hand and Foot. What do you know? I like it. In fact, my team won. I tried not to dismiss myself when I apologized in advance for being rusty. But I didn't want to dismiss my skills. I try to be very aware of not doing that. Retrying things with confidence has been such a cathartic experience. What else? I've been on a Mediterranean kick. "Ethan" requested a new Tortellini dish. So I created one. Some of it is a recipe. And some of it is my own. The boys loved it. I wish I could tell you more but I don't have much to write. We have a wedding next month we are in. I'm trying to buy a new console for us. I am constantly looking up new recipes. I work. I do housewifey things. I go to coffee with friends. We hang out with friends. We chill at home. It's a chill life. I love it!
Thursday, September 14, 2017
AS WE WORK TO CREATE LIGHT FOR OTHERS, WE NATURALLY LIGHT OUR OWN WAY
-Mary Anne Radmacher
I like this quote. It reminds me of the quote about surrounding yourself with positive people. I've often believed that there is a physical and mental manifestation of someone's energy. That "positive" energy...That "light" bleeds unto you if you are a positive light for others. Within the last month we have seen the worst of humanity. But within the last two weeks, we have also seen the best of humanity. I hope that us as individuals find a way to be the light for others. It helps our well being in the end. It breaks my heart...and in ways, on an intellectual level, see a person rationalize hate. I can't wrap myself around the fact someone will utilize a rationale to their advantage to disparage a group they see as inferior to them. It starts with a kind gesture. I hope to be able to be a light for others today. And in turn, I will beam that light within. It could be why I finally found an inner peace to some of my demons, insecurities, and angers of life. They still exist. But I've learned to live with them, exist with them, acknowledge them, and cope with them. Sometimes I can change them. Sometimes, I cannot. Either way, I have the power of their power. Not the other way around. Why? Because that natural light, that inner peace...is a goal...a future that I wish to have. And I found it.
Tuesday, September 12, 2017
The art of sleeping in is what I like to call my Tuesday groove. My MWF assignment's other caregiver was out so I had been filling in on Tuesdays. I did this on this last Tuesday and the Tuesday before that. I needed a break today. I can sleep in on Thursdays but to a point. There is a groove now in place for mornings. I like seeing Jeremy off as usual. But now it's also seeing "Ethan" off now. I even told him to wake me up before he goes. When he hadn't he told me I looked so comfortable sleeping he didn't want to wake me up. I said... I was but that it was worth it to me to see him off. I have lunch with Jeremy today. I have a couple of errands. I have grocery shopping to do. I bit the bullet on the Xbox 1. I put it on Layaway. Which means I need to sell the Xbox 360 games. Which is one of my errands today. I may see CC later today. I love that I have my time with my girls. I got to see SADF. Next weekend is Dear One time. Of course, I usually have my L time. And because of Tuesday I hadn't had coffee with CC. Or lunch with a classmate friend, CN that I see here and there. I used to see this time for myself as being selfish or not being able to carve time for myself because I didn't feel worth it. What a difference head space makes. I feel I contribute greatly now. Whether financially or with the house. Between my part time job and housework, it's like having a full time job. lol I refuse to vacuum. So Jeremy took that off my hands. Yah, team work! And the three of us keep up with getting the trash out into the garage where Jeremy and I take it out on Trash days. When life changes you adjust to the new normal. This "new groove" that we have down....it feels good.
Tuesday, September 5, 2017
I was so happy to give blood. I had donated earlier in the week. But this also made my day. My family and friends were patient with me doing this. They rock.
The ones I took pictures of I knew the characters. I used to watch Naruto so I recognized her right away
It felt like Comic Con. Only it was all about Anime. I needed help from Lovie 2 and Jeremy on who was what. I was on a quest for a Doctor Who necklace. I didn't find one. I ended up with something better. There was a shirt that would activate with sound with lights. And they didn't affect me. I also go to donate blood. But there was bonus. I found out after saying yes to donating. Doctor Who fans Unite were sponsoring the drive. I got to take pictures inside the Tardis! and with a Doctor Who Cosplay guy. They were the best Tardis pictures ever!!! I ended up going nuts on buying t-shirts instead. I worked today and filled in for the other caregiver. She was still out. I rescheduled my lunch with Jeremy for next week. That's about it. I just took a nap. It was awesome. I think it's time for some Law and Order:Criminal Intent .S&M by Rihanna is on.
Thursday, August 31, 2017
I feel at a different level with work. This week I will have worked the entire workweek. That's huge for me. 27 is no slouching business for me. I do feel a little tired but with the help of the electrolytes and coffee, I am doing okay. And naps. I love me some naps. I remember a friend talking about their naps in such an affectionate way. They worked long hours so I got why they lived for their naps. Jeremy and I kid around about how as adults, that's what we live for...sleeping in. lol This weekend we get Lovie 2. We're also going to San Japan. We've never been but "L" and DA were happily coaxing us to go. I left it up to Jeremy as I hadn't really prepared for it. He decided yes on it. What else has been going on? Nothing, really. I've been trying out new dinner ideas to mix it up for the boys. And planning ahead for movie nights. Today is my long shift. So, after work, it's taking the boys out to eat. Life has been such a beautiful routine. Yes, I do like mixing things up a bit here and there. But routine makes me happy. Consistency makes me happy. Patterns make me happy. Okay...the good kind of patterns. lol I hope you are well, my quite spaces. My head space these days is in much more content mode that I haven't really known what to write. When I feel like writing, I write. But don't think I don't appreciate that you still decide to read me. It will always melt my heart that 1 person does it. Let alone, hundreds. France, you rock. :) Seven Sacred Pools by Deuter is on.
Tuesday, August 29, 2017
My state is going through some rough times right now. But what I love about my state is its resilience. And we have a sense of humor in all of it. I got off of work and went to Dollar Tree. An old classmate of mine from high school has a cousin that's going to help victims. I had been wanting to help but hesitated just giving money. I wanted something personal. I got my chance through my old classmate. I also found towels, old sweaters I wasn't using, a couple of pillows, and blankets. That's about it. Not much else happening. We didn't get hit. 50 more miles and it might've been a different story. That's what the news keeps saying. Thank you for any prayers, positive vibes, and thoughts you've been giving us. It is much appreciated. We are strong people. And I love that with all the racial tension that's been diving the country...you see another side to humanity. You see kindness and generosity, regardless of the color of skin.
Saturday, August 26, 2017
We were preparing for Hurricane Harvey. Not too much. Jeremy and I had a hunch it was just going to be about heavy wind and rain. But still, it is good to make sure to have lights. And plenty of water. It rained overnight. And it is still raining. But otherwise, it's just like any other rainy day. It seemed like a perfect time to make me tea. I had gone to an International market with Jeremy and friends. I wanted to buy something. I ended up buying cardamom seeds and Tea India. I went off the suggestion of a lovely woman I encountered there. I wanted an authentic experience with the tea. Jeremy and I watched a whole season of Rick and Morty. I've been reading the other part of the time while he watches "Ethan" play a video game. It's that kind of day. Nuvole Bianche by Ludovico Einaudi is on. I was having a great conversation the other day when I said the words, aloud, " I'm the happiest I've ever been". We were talking about my healing and my growth within the last year. I even made the first step to mending some fences that I haven't even considered in 30ish years. But where I am in my life, I feel empowered. I feel that I can stand on my own two feet. I have Jeremy's support. But I have myself. And that is something I had never considered before. I have myself. Now, back to reading Ready Player One.
Thursday, August 24, 2017
I love TED talks. I love sharing them.
What a great perspective
Dream Twenty by Liquid Mind is on. I already had my coffee. I figured I deserve it since it's my long day. It's always interesting trying to find a new groove. I make Jeremy coffee like usual. However, instead of chilling for 5 minutes, he leaves. We have to account for school traffic now. I gave him chocolate coffee this morning. This man is spoiled. I love it! And then, coffee and breakfast for me. I don't have hot coffee. I just do iced coffee now. And go back for a little power nap while waiting for my morning people to text back. I love my my morning affirmations to my friends. It started for someone else to encourage them. And turned into something else for other people. Funny how that works. Thanks, Universe! "Ethan" gets ready for school and I stay up to say bye and hug him. And then, I officially get up. It's a little different with MWF. He goes in later. And I get up for my permanent assignment. It makes me beam. All this makes me beam. Even the..."Ethan, put your clothes in the dryer!" moments. lol You know some of it was going to be parent frustration. But in a good way. If that makes sense. I'm taking my boys out to eat tonight. My boys *Heartmelt* I'm not going to want to make anything after I get off work. And I could've made leftovers but sometimes I'll do that. And sometimes I'll just take them out to eat. That's about it. It's a boring life. But I love its simplicity and it makes me happy. I'm not cut out for drama. Most people aren't but I even less with Epilepsy. My stress level is down so much, stress is almost non existent. I had some for a bit with the Bachelorette party. But that's done now. And even then, it felt like a first world problem. Maybe that's why it's harder to blog these days. I read alot. I'm reading Ready Player One and Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy. I'm almost finished with 14th colony. AP is trying to get me to read a few series but they aren't at the library. I think he said he had the digitals. I'll ask him for it once I get through some of these books. And Jeremy and I watch anime. We got into The Little Witch for Acadamia. We do that. There was Sword Art Online. I liked all seasons except the last. My favorite, Blue Exorcist. Madoa Magica was really good but really morbid. Kill La Kill is another one. Still on the fence with that one. I might start up Santa Clarita Diet or just go straight into Sherlock (the British One). Plus, our Xbox died so trying to save up to get a new one for us. Have a sparkling day, my quiet space. While I may not come on here as much, I do still cherish you dearly.
Tuesday, August 22, 2017
First days. I haven't quite done a first day since 5th grade with "Ethan". I didn't cry. I did, however, take a couple of pictures. We had breakfast. And then he was off to his classes. Jeremy and I had lunch and talked about the excitement of hearing about his classes. This is an exciting time for both of us. I did some grocery shopping and now, time for some chores and binging on one of my shows. I'm making meatloaf tonight. Mama is happy.