Saturday, December 30, 2017
It's definitely been an interesting year. I'd say a better one, indeed. I did a lot of healing. I began to understand the damage and trauma that Javier had bestowed on me. It's an interesting thing to have that aha moment. I wanted to be angry at him. But I don't have the energy to be angry at him. Life is too short. I pity this pathetic man who hasn't been loved in his life. So much so that he had to imprint his trauma on others. I haven't been his only victim. I may be the only sexual assault victim. I don't know. But he's physically assaulted someone. And he's mentally and emotionally assaulted all of us. You don't get to see physical scars on us. That is how he likes it. Like I said, I pity this man. I used to think I was weak. What I didn't understand is that I am far from weak. It takes a lot of courage to continue after a trauma like that. And because I was in such a damaged state, it left me open for other types of abuse. Yet, here I am. This level of understanding is overwhelming at times. But it's such a relief and a weight lifted off my shoulders. It wasn't me. It's not about me. The confidence I have weaves its way into big things. But it also weaves its way into small things too. I see this. I understand. I understand so much more now. This has been the reflection upon the year. I am more than enough. They seem like such simple words that should be understood. My logical side knew it. My emotional side didn't. Here's to more healing. Here's to more understanding. I hope my blog has helped you in some way. I hoped it has made you think. I hoped it has made you smile and laugh, at times. I always wanted to be a positive impact on people. Now... well, now, I know that to be true. In Reverence by David Tolk. How fitting this comes on. This is me...in song. I don't know how to explain it. But this is me...in song.
Monday, December 25, 2017
Whew. We did it! We got through the holidays! Now, it's time to look towards the New Year. I'm excited. I'll be turning 41, which you would think I'd be freaking out but I'm looking forward to turning 41. Personally, I think I look pretty good for 40! Good genes. And Philosophy. I love that stuff!!! Lucky for me, I got some for Christmas. Jeremy and I are doing our little tradition of eating at an Asian place and going to a movie today. But we also have plenty of tamales to get through! I just wanted to say hi and hope you are doing well, my quiet spaces. You have been a constant gift to me. In those more troubled days, you were a silent anchor for me. Now, I write to give you acknowledgement of your contribution to me well being. I did the work to heal myself. I made the choices to work on myself. But in the quiet spaces you reside, you gave me hope. You gave me peace. You gave me a voice I didn't even know I needed to have. So, thank you. OH! I've been trying to learn new languages. There is an app where I have been trying to brush up on my Spanish and Swedish, which I know some. However, for personal reasons, I chose to also learn French and Polish. Je vous remercie pour le soin. Maybe one day I will blog entirely in French, just for you. I have a large following in France. Go figure. The least I can do is pay homage in some way.
Thursday, December 21, 2017
WHEN YOU DANCE, YOUR PURPOSE IS NOT TO GET TO A CERTAIN PLACE ON THE FLOOR. IT'S TO ENJOY EACH STEP ALONG THE WAY. -
Given how much I like dancing, this quote just speaks to me. I love it. It's as though the quote was meant for me. When I dance, I am enjoying each step. Sometimes, I dance in my head. Sometimes I am dancing with someone. Sometimes, I am not. I suppose it's my Dancing with the Stars/So you Think you can dance dancing partner of sorts. In another life, I would've been a choreographer. Music, in general speaks to me and helps me to understand expression where words might fail me. Sometimes the very lyrics speak to me. Other times, it's not the lyrics that speak to me, but the melody, me attuned to the beat. I could be talking out of my a** but I think I have a good grasp of the musicality of dance. Like I said, I could be talking out of my a**. How some people get peace from yoga, I get it through dance. I'll be in my kitchen, cooking. I'll also be in my kitchen, dancing. I tried recording myself but because I am using a song in it, many times it stops me from posting because of copyright things. Oh well. Maybe I just have to go straight to you tube. I think, technically, I have a channel. But I don't use it much. And now I have that song stuck in my head. I hope you Dance. lol.
OH! Something funny did happen last night with Jeremy. I said something and Jeremy broke into song with lyrics that sounded something with what I said. I told him that was one of the things I loved about our relationship. His response. Every good relationship has that as part of their thing. I couldn't help but laugh. I love that man. Signs I have rubbed off on this man lol Now, if I could just remember the song.....
Tuesday, December 19, 2017
That's what I was having last night. I was having some nostalgic moments. It all started with Jeremy opening up the Gluiwein bottle. He thought it was cork open type and realized it was not. So our strategy was to finish the bottle up that night. lol I'm a light weight. It didn't take much for me to get toasty. Or to make advances towards him.Poor man. He never had a chance,. lol But that's not the nostalgic moment. Killer Instinct has already been installed. I saw the redhead I used to always play. I have played others but she was my primary character. I won a few games on him but as soon as he learned the moves, especially with Orchid, I was screwed. I was swearing at the time game, like I used to. I was back where I used to be, playing arcade. Now, some of this time also included Javier. So in a round about, unexpected way, I was having a redo. I looked over to him and took a Kodak moment, if you will. This was my childhood. I also bought Mortal Kombat because that also was my childhood. I'm on the fence of Marvel vs Capcom (basically streetfighter). We shall see. But that was part of my childhood too. I'm not sure if DC Universe got installed right because it's online. Anyway, all this made me smile. I'm sure the Gluiwein was helping. But this moment was making me smile. Playing video games with Jeremy makes me happy. All this time I used to say I wasn't a gamer. I just wasn't confident enough to say it. I've been one the whole time. And now, I get to go old school where I really am a gamer. I want to get Diablo 3 and Divinity Sin, eventually. Those are newer games. There, I feel out of my element. Nonetheless, I love the games. OH! We also found a free game of Magic on the Xbox One. We met playing Magic. How's that for nostalgia? Sea and Silence by Deuter is on.
Thursday, December 14, 2017
Through the Dark by Helen Jane Long is on. I had quite a messy but wonderful conversation last night. But it brought up something my friend, Aaron, who has passed away, constantly said. I looked it up right now to see if he got it as a quote since it seems like such a quote to be said already. Perhaps not. The quote goes, "Communication is an everyday miracle". I suppose, depending on the person, my communication skills vary. Talking with SADV, "L", Dear One, or CC is like butta. It's so natural. Talking to Jeremy is the easy part. But talking with him, sometimes. That's another thing. We have such a different communication style. It's like we developed a way to meet in the middle with our styles. It's not always difficult to talk to Jeremy. That was part of our pull to each other. We had such a great banter, flirty, playful way with each other. It makes me smile because that hasn't changed with us. We're husband and wife, now. But we still have a great banter, flirty, playful way with each other. It's the difficult stuff that sometimes stumps us. Each couple has to find their language and what I call "their dance". We were no different. Our dance has also evolved. One of the things I am learning about marriage and relationships in general, is the partners need to evolve together, in order to maintain the relationship. Well, in my experience, these are a couple of the things I would say are in the mix, so to speak.
1) What do you have in common? What are you interests, together? What are they. individually?
You want to have some bonds, something that glues you two together. However, you also want to allow each other space in the relationship. Trying to have each waking moment together can feel like suffocating. That is not healthy for the relationship. It also doesn't negate that you have strong bond.
2) A friendship helps. I've seen couples whom are not friends have a great relationship. But I will say this. In my experience, having a friendship with your spouse is such a great feeling. I would say the words, best friend towards my husband. But was I really actively being one? Or he for that matter. We worked on our friendship when we worked on our relationship. We communicated grievances, hurts, happiness things, wants and needs...you name it. We communicated the deep stuff where I got to experience deep emotional conversations and Jeremy didn't feel it was "too much feels". I changed my communication skill
3) Patience. If you want to make it the long haul with your partner...have patience with them. Have patience with each other to improve in communication skills
4) Make sure you're in to win it.
Twice, Jeremy and I have been at the edge on what I call the "11th" hour. We were broken up, once.
We were on the phone. If we hung up, we are confirming that we were done for. Yet, neither of us could do it. We started laughing. It was then that I figured... We will figure it out, somehow.
The second time it happened, was last year. I can't tell you that my perception of a situation was reality or not. But it was enough for me to distrust. Keep in mind. All last year I was dealing with Javier healing stuff. I was opening up years of triggers. One friend had, in the best way possible, "poked the bear" and I had to reconcile with the idea I really wasn't okay. I had this tough exterior up. But I hadn't dealt with my rape. Whether I wanted to admit it or not, it affected my communication style. It affected how I reacted to life. It affected how I reacted to trusting men. That includes Jeremy. We had one night. It seemed like it was the end. I was certain we were looking at divorce. But there again...we stopped. We needed to know if this is what we both wanted. And the answer was a resounding no. So we figured it out. That's what I mean, in it to win it.
5) Convey to your partner that they are the priority. I think both of us failed on that for a little while.
I was still learning and still constantly learn how to communicate healthy boundaries with life, itself. But I noticed when both of us conveyed and actively showed we were a priority, it mattered to that other person. Whether it's work, a video game, another friend...convey to that person, even on a most random way, that they are a priority. It makes a difference.
6) Find what works for you. I've given this insight. But this could be nothing that works for you. It doesn't mean this insight is right. It doesn't mean it's wrong either. This worked for me. Find what works for you.
Funny thing...Number 6 also can also be used for friendship. It's been invaluable to me to remember that. My different friendships work for me the way they do.
Strive to always improve communication skills. That is my goal in life. I want to be a positive impact on people. I want to create healthy relationships with Jeremy and friends and family I care about. I want to have healthy boundaries in life. I want to always improve how I am communicating to the world.
Tuesday, December 12, 2017
I want to see:
Call me by your name
Shape of Water
I want to read:
Call me by your name
Strange the Dreamer (I'm still on the fence about the audiobook.)
The Escape Artist
I suppose the Lost Order because I'm in the middle of reading it.
Am I on the naughty or nice list, Mimi?
I got my hair did. I always love getting haircuts. After having an awesome lunch with "Ethan". Kid may be in college but he's always going to be my baby.
I may be playing a little more Trans Siberian more often on these blogs entries. The Dreams of Fireflies (On a Christmas Night) is on. If I can't go to Trans-Siberian Orchestra, bring Trans-Siberian Orchestra to me, via Pandora. It's my day off today. I had a few errands to run. I'm finally sitting down to rest a bit before starting up so more chores before dinner. Plus, I wanted to make some cheese pancakes for us. I figured with "Ethan" home more, just studying for finals, he's gotta have something to eat. Not to mention, I got more yummy stuff for the boys' stocking stuffers. "Alexandria" went through her stuff this weekend. We had a wonderful weekend celebrating her belated birthday. I'm ready for Christmas, kinda. I managed to get Christmas presents in one sitting. I went in for one of my bffs's gift card. I came out with Christmas gifts. "Sarah" gave me my gift early. "Sarah", is Jeremy's ex. We are legit friends. Are you surprised? We have definitely had a colorful past and friendship. We had a fall out years ago when she was going through stuff with Jeremy. And when he and I were dating, we struggled finding solid ground with our friendship. But one day, we sorted it out. We both love the kids. We were going to make it work. And we have. I don't do Christmas gifts. She is one of the few people I accept a Christmas gift from. I have a whole thing about Christmas. I believe in family. I don't believe in the commercialization of Christmas. Or how certain people have expectations on present giving. To tell you the truth, it gives me anxiety. Jeremy and I don't give each other gifts. I love it that way. We do birthdays for each other. That's it. Cards. Now, cards are awesome. Especially because you have to search for that right one. Jeremy is a master card giver. I struggled with words of affirmation for awhile. Or the lack of Jeremy of giving me words of affirmation. What I failed to see is that he shows it in other ways, constantly. I just had to pay attention. Cards is one of them. His two love languages are touch and service. While he never quite took the test, we figured that the two important ways he shows his affection is touch and service. Mine are touch and words of affirmation. But tell you the truth, once I went through therapy, I didn't need any validation from anyone, including Jeremy. Words of affirmation became less of a need for me. When he does something for me, it warms my heart. He is a man of action. I just had to learn to see through this new perspective. And when I need his words of affirmation, I just look at my phone, which has a screen shot of a card he gave me and 10 things he likes about me. Where was this blog entry going? It has a mind of its own. lol Ughs. I finally put it on the Christmas Radio. lol I think I am ready to officially accept Christmas music. Actually, I've heard it all over the place but I hadn't put Christmas music on since we put up the tree. It's the Most Wonderful Time of the Year by Andy Williams is on. Just thoughts. I went zigzag on this blog entry. But really, can you expect anything else from me? I hope you have a beautiful day, my quiet spaces. I appreciate you. I appreciate you reading me. I always do. It warms my heart that you do. Especially you, France. Anyhoo... Back to the beautiful humdrum of my day off. Stay beautiful, quiet spaces. Stay beautiful.
Saturday, December 9, 2017
At least that is what I was saying when I started seeing my Facebook feed explode with pictures of snow. Then, I decided to look outside for myself. There it was. This white thing we call snow. Texas. Snow. That just doesn't quite register. Let alone, San Antonio. The first time I saw snow, I was about 8 years ago. I had this bluish plaid coat on. We had a dog named Brutus at the time. He and I just played happily in this snow. It was a divine day. I remember in 2010 we had snow again. However, this time it was a nightmare. I worked on a hill. I parked my car at the bottom of it and walked up hill. Never again. Empty Shore by Deuter is on. I took pictures. I took video. I was a little kid again. What the Fruit Loops, indeed!
Thursday, December 7, 2017
It's important to state where my peace of mind is in, inwardly and outwardly. Memory of Monet is on by Dean Evenson and Soundings Ensemble. Inwardly, I'm probably at the most peacefulness I have felt in a long time. This healing journey that I have been on consisted of puzzle pieces that required healing of my soul or heart. In many cases, both. By doing that, I think it changed my perspective on life, itself. By doing that, it changed my mind on how I view myself, as well. These puzzle pieces were part of puzzle to help me either learn a lesson or come to a different perspective. Sometimes, these puzzle pieces helped me to complete certain happiness energy bars that I saw as being complete. These puzzle pieces were simple in their form but complicated on how they helped me. Sometimes they had more than one answer. Sometimes they gave more than one lesson. I bring all this up about Inwardly because Outwardly, I sigh a lot these days. Yesterday, a very important thing happened. Instead of a person being named Person of the year, it was a movement. Yes, we saw familiar faces. But they were about a movement, not a person. The one time I was hoping DT would not insert himself, he did. Given his past, it seemed uncouth that he would insert how he refused the title because HE was given a probably about being Person of the year, not a guarantee. The interesting thing is before this person was thrown into our political spectrum, we did have people whom spoke of sexism and racism as though it was okay to. It's never okay to. Those are human beings you speak of. When you speak so less of a person, it reflects more on the type of character you are. When you mock a person, it speaks less of you as a person. I have always been proud to be American, through the good and bad. It was like loving that black sheep of the family member. You still loved them. These days, it pains me to be American. I still wouldn't want to live anywhere else. I have lived 2 other places and in the end, home always felt where I was in America. But my heart is broken seeing such division these days. My heart is broken to see so much disrespect. My heart is broken for what I see as acceptable in the political spectrum. TIME magazine said they considered him because he has changed the presidency. Yes, but he misses the point...and so does anyone whom follows him. He is changing the presidency, but not for the better. He is making a mockery of the presidency.I find it most interesting that he said what he said, a person who has been accused as sexual assaulting. And the movement was considered Person of the year. Nixon did some pretty low things in his terms. Yet, even he had a decorum he stuck by. Some might say it's great that he's upfront. In that sense, they are correct. Any president before him showed a certain protocol or decorum, a certain respect towards the office they were temporarily filling. I don't usually like going political. People don't know how to argue without disrespecting each other. Me included. These days, I keep my mouth shut when someone supports him. Otherwise, I will go off. I'm Libertarian. I might seem crazy to post this. Some of my readers are not even American and part of me feels like I'm exposing a very personal part of us. Both you read the news. You watch the news. It's not like you're not forming your own opinion of us. Please don't form an opinion of us based on the news right now. Or of the vocal few. Outwardly, I'm in pain. Inwardly, I'm at peace. What a duality.
Wednesday, December 6, 2017
NOBODY HAS A BETTER VISION OF WHO ARE THAN YOURSELF
She's right. People have all kinds of opinions on how people are supposed to be, love, act, look like..and so on. But nobody really knows how to be you better than you. It's something to remember when we are allowing ourselves to be told what we should be like. Don't get me wrong. I have been in the situation where I was allowing others to validate Jess. I don't say this out of critique. I say this out of experience. I say this out of the hope you don't take as long as I do to know those words and be those words. Resonance by Yuri Sazonoff is on.
Saturday, December 2, 2017
LIFE HAS TAUGHT ME ONE SUPREME LESSON. THIS IS THAT WE MUST-
IF WE ARE REALLY TO LIVE...WE MUST PUT OUR CONVICTIONS INTO ACTION
My one conviction that I know to be true. Be authentic. Live authentically.
That is to learn what makes you happy. You have to learn what makes you live that authentic life. You have to learn how to live that authentic life. Even if it is hard. Because in the end, you won't be happy. You will, in some ways be lying to yourself. You will in some ways, be lying to the world of your authentic self. You are not wrong for not living this authentic life. We all have reasons we aren't living that authentic life. Remember, though. Living an authentic life doesn't mean hurting someone physically or insulting someone. It just means you have expressed to the world that this is who you are. And whom you are matters. Whom you are is important. Why? Because there is only one you. And you have something to contribute to this world.
Jeremy once said I tend to celebrate, per se, even the hard and sad things in life. I didn't quite understand the line of thought. CC helped me understand what he meant is I acknowledge the impact of hard and sad things in my life. Those dates are a reminder for me. So, in my own way, I do celebrate them. Carefree by Dan Gibson is on. Now, why is that important today? Because I have a collection of dates that mean something, on the hard or sad side. Something negative, sad, or traumatic is in this collection. August 1-the rape May 25-a friend committed suicide Nov 3-Brody passed away. May 19-My grandma passed away. Dec 2- A dear friend and I parted ways. You get the idea. I acknowledge that these days had a huge impact on me. In Reverence by David Tolk is now on. What perfect timing. This song does something for me. It makes me pause. And that is the reason for this blog. It's just a reminder of a pause. It's an acknowledgement of the sad things in my life. It's an acknowledgement of a traumatic thing in my life. It's an acknowledgement that these dates made me reflect. So, today, In Reverence to all the days that had been hard, sad, or traumatic, I pause. Is it a celebration? Maybe it is. Because those days shaped me. Whether I wanted them to or not. Here's to taking a pause in life on those days that shaped us. Even the tough ones.
Friday, December 1, 2017
I love this better than the video!!!
This song is stuck in my head
Thursday, November 30, 2017
I'm getting ready to hang out with CC. We both have been so busy that we haven't seen each other for awhile. I blew off two fill ins! I was happy with that. I was looking forward to today that I wasn't in work mode anymore until tomorrow. Moonglow by Michael Whalen is on. Pandora's Spa Music channel is really great to write to when I'm blogging. Even if it feels like mindless blogging at times. It felt great to write poetry again! Today is a peaceful day. I did all my Christmas shopping. I'm getting tamales for the boys tonight. We have an out of town visitor this weekend hanging out with us. Next weekend we'll celebrate Alexandria's birthday. The week after, Little One is in town. And then before you know it, Christmas is here. 2017 was a great time to start a new chapter. And I did just that. I learned to take in each day and handle it from there. I really did learn how to live in the present. I helped myself do that. But I also had help. Jeremy and my panel helped me get there. I have had friends that left breadcrumbs. They helped along the way but I don't really talk to them anymore. Not on a bad note. Just that their purpose to talk to me more faded. I mended many broken friendships this past year. That feels good. When I think about that, that really makes for a peaceful day.
Tuesday, November 28, 2017
Though stumped, at first
I've got my bearings, now
I see the new normal
I revel in the improbable
I embrace this maze
But I feel different than expected
I feel free
As though all I need was reality to bend
reality to find a way
That the answer was 42
While was still looking for the question.
Because indeed, that is a question to bare
All I know is I'm okay
All I know is that moving past the improbably means a new future possible
Let the path turn left
meander what may
Destination: Peace of mind
Trans-Siberian Orchestra is on. One of these days I want to see it in person. Christmas Eve is my favorite. I have avoided it in concert because of the strobe lights but it's such an experience. What else? Not much else. I hadn't meant to do my Christmas shopping this yearly. I went in for my bff's gift card. And there I was. I did some grocery shopping. I got some candy for the stockings. I got Whiskers a little mailbox thing for her stocking stuffer. I need to finish up Christmas cards. I had lunch with Jeremy. It's a wonderfully boring day. lol Have a great one!
Thursday, November 23, 2017
This was one of the tracks playing when I was coloring in my Doctor Who coloring book. How perfect is that?!