Monday, February 29, 2016
Saturday is a day I will remember. I woke up with Jeremy snuggling me. I love that. Jeremy unapologetically snuggling me. He doesn't worry about showing his softer side anymore. He just does. I needed that. I desperately needed to know if I meant something to this man. I don't question one iota that Jeremy thinks the world of me now. Because he tells me. He shows. And of course...we're dangerous when we're snuggling and cuddling. That already started the day off nicely. We decided to order in Chinese food. I was trying to time everything as best as I could. I am all about cushion of time. I had bought a dress specifically for this day. This was after I asked Jeremy to accompany me to this wonderful event. It's been a dream to attend Riverdance since I was in my early teens. I think that's where I started my fascination of Irish music and Irish dancing at that point. I'm not completely sure. Within the last few months I discovered Jeremy does like experiencing cultured shows like this with me. Perhaps my interpretation was off. Perhaps things had change because my friendship with Jared motivated Jeremy to want to experience these cultured things with me. Whatever the reason. There was Jeremy, side by side with me as a monumental moment was going to be made. Was there a slight sadness that Jared originally was going to be attending with me. Yes. The tickets were his birthday gift. Yet, that was a fleeting moment as I suddenly realized I was going to see Riverdance, a dream of mine...with my dream guy, Jeremy. Sometimes the universe knows better. There was a line for parking. Which normally could lead me to become nervous. However, pattern has shown that even in a most pressured time...Jeremy gets the job done. We accomplish things. And so I wasn't worried. We discovered you could pay through an app. So Jeremy paid through the app. I had been warned of strobe lights by Sandra. I was grateful for that warning. I brought my polarized sunglasses which had been instrumental in preventing seizures. The tint is a perfect shade. And I also saw a sign. I smiled. I don't usually see signs. That made me smile. We sauntered in. We found our seats. Needless to say, if I was going to be seeing a dream show I was going to get good seats. They were amazing. Jeremy was impressed. Riverdance was better than anything I could have dreamed of. Celtic singing, violins, and Irish dancing all combined how the show was orchestrated. There was even a dance overlap of Flamenco and Tap that was incorporated in a most ingenious way. I loved the performance. So did Jeremy. We went to dinner. It was very romantic. Of the many things I love about Jeremy and I is that we never tire of conversations. We have all kinds. I never bore of what to say to my husband...or with. We came home and settled in. He studied while I read my book. I brought Apple Whiskey for him and Chai Latte for me. It was just a wonderful way to end the night. I will remember Saturday. It was monumental. Saturday made next Saturday more meaningful. Next Saturday is the Run 4 Hope 5k for the Rape for Crisis Center. This year is more meaningful because I am going in a more whole space. I am going with a new sense of happiness for my healing. I am not afraid to show that I survived...and thrived through my rape. That I can embrace happiness in its most purest state...because I am truly happy. I am not hiding behind a facade of tears. That one is new. Do I struggle still? Absolutely. As I was watching a DVR recording of Lady Gaga singing ""It Could Happen To You" as survivors walked on the stage...I cried because I understood the lyrics. I understood the pain. But I understood the triumph of having my own story being made. Why I became some Unicorn. Why I became an inspiration fairy. I want to show others that still need their story told...to know...they're not alone. I will remember that I have an opportunity every day to tell my story. And I am still writing it.
Saturday, February 27, 2016
Today is a dream. I am going to see Riverdance, something I have been dreaming about seeing in real life...since I can remember. And I am seeing it with my dream guy, Jeremy. But this wasn't how the story was in terms of my Riverdance partner in crime. You see....this is someone's birthday gift. Before I knew Jeremy was happy to do things like this with me. Before Jeremy and I became this other part of us. Before the storm. I was wanting to go so badly to this. And I figured I would take my friend. It was a birthday gift. I am so happy to be out of the storm. I am so happy to be away from the chaos...and the players. If life were different, not all the players would be banished. But such is life. You deal with reality. Today has turned into a monumental moment of happiness for me. A negative became a positive. Today will be special because Jeremy and I everyday make it a point to show how important we are to each other. Today will be special because I have a dream come true with my dream guy.
Friday, February 26, 2016
When I started my blog back up some time ago. It was because a wonderful friend of mine inspired me to do so. Life has a funny way of opening you to life lessons. Now, more than ever I am grateful she inspired me to write. Because I want to be her audience. I want to be her quiet space. It's interesting that people don't know behind closed doors. Do I tell you everything? No. I don't because some things are not meant to be written. But I do write a great deal of my life. That much I can be forthcoming about. I tell you of my health struggles. I tell you of my dealings with friends. Or dealings with other important aspects of my life. I tell you of my marriage. I tell you of my inner struggles with anxiety. Or my rape. Believe me when I say I give a lot of myself in this blog. But I keep some to myself. Maybe it is judgement. Maybe it is leaving mystery. Maybe I just see it irrelevant to my writing at the moment. My friend...thank you for inspiring me to write again. My blog has been such a salvation to me. It has been part of my journey for healing. Next Saturday is quite a monumental day for me. It will be the first time that I do the Run4Hope 5k with a sense of wholeness. It is a dream I have had for 20 years that I couldn't imagine that I was even going to have. It seemed impossible. But here I am, feeling whole. I hope my friend finds her journey of healing. And I hope I can be there for her as she needs me. Life has a funny way of giving us monkey wrenches in our path. it is up to us to figure out a way through it. And with the right people.
Thursday, February 25, 2016
It's something that's been in my mind since I came upon a word and was trying to decipher if it was a good thing or bad. Honestly, I think it's bad but my perspective could be skewed. And it made me think of that saying of sticks and stones. Words do hurt. It's up to us to react to those words. To not let those words have power. And something else to think about. For my experience, I had to learn who was saying these words that held such power over me. Did they have the credentials? Words. They hold such power sometimes. I don't have much braining today. Jeremy and I are sick. But it was a thought I was having since I came across a word. And it got me thinking of perspective, perception, and words. Cristofori's Dream by David Lanz is playing. In the future, I will be careful on my words. I try to be. But even more so. I want words to be perceived as positive when they come from me. I want people to automatically think positive when I come up in their minds.
Wednesday, February 24, 2016
Lessons learned helps us to grow and develop. Through our experiences both painful and joyful moments in our life help us to discover things about ourselves. It's something to think about today as you go through your day today. What monumental moments were crossroads? What moments were pivotal in your journey? Sometimes my pivotal moments came in the form of people. Sometimes it came in the form of an event. Sometimes they were tied together. I am still on this journey as I am still sure you are in your own journey. But we don't walk it alone. We don't talk. Yet, there is a sense of listening in the stillness that we walk together. And somewhere you, my quiet spaces, find something you learn about yourself. And so do I. I don't need to know that I helped you learn something. I don't even need to know that you found something about yourself or learned something. I just need to know that my thoughts matter. And every day, Monday through Friday, you show me that. As you are coming into your own, think about your journey. Think of everything you went through. It might be a reference manual for someone. It might be a way to look back and see your own evolution. Either way, I am proud of you. That you walked out the door and did "your thing." You come here for a reason. I hope you get out as much as I do. I learn about myself constantly. And blogging is just another part of my journey and story.
Tuesday, February 23, 2016
I had meant to visit my Grandpa in law that passed away today. And also my Grandma. By accident, I left my keys in Jeremy's car. Sometimes things happen you just gotta roll with the punches. I admit. Sometimes my old personality wants to rise up and get frustrated about the silliest things. And old me usually took it out on other people, even when it wasn't any fault of their own. I was the one that forgot my keys. So it was me that had to be held accountable. I assumed Jeremy could swing by but he couldn't. But it was a good example of how to handle things when life happens. It doesn't go according to plan. Because life will do that. It's a learning lesson to still take measures to have a zen life but accept that life is not always structural or neat or in order. Sometimes there will be chaos. One would argue that my mind set is too constricted for what life will bring me. I was once criticized for it. And I wondered if it was true. However, I have learned that depending on how the chaos is played and where it's coming from helps me to react to the chaos. I watch a friend that has so much on her plate and not the resources to necessarily fix them...and she is so strong. And in the past, I saw another friend who had less on her plate and the the resources and she seemed so helpless. And I always try to understand someone's situation. But it was difficult understanding it. Even more so as I watch my strong friend. I admire her. I look forward to opportunities to help me grow. I continue to work and improve myself. Life...It doesn't go according to plan. And maybe...just maybe...that's a good thing. (Later) I happen to be able to go, thanks to a friend. It meant so much to me that she did that.
Monday, February 22, 2016
Friday, February 19, 2016
Jeremy and I babysat yesterday. I changed a diaper. That was a first for us. The kids were beyond those years by the time I was in their life. So it's not something we would have experienced together. Because of the PCOS, I can't have kids. And while we could have looked into adapting or other options, Jeremy wasn't really on board on becoming a parent. Between the age of 30-33 I didn't take it well. Now, I like my lifestyle. I like being a parent. But I like our life. We get to have both worlds. And I have a great relationship with the kids that I don't feel like I miss out. I have a great relationship with Sandra that it doesn't complicate things. So it worked out as it should have. That that was a first. I think it was an interesting insight watching each other with a young child. There was a friendly discussion on the what if type of scenario. But not in a tense way. Things happen a certain way. My reality turned out differently. This wasn't my plan growing up. But it worked out well, nonetheless. And the important part, is that I'm happy.
Thursday, February 18, 2016
I don't know about you but I have them. My intellectual side wins out most of the time now. I think my emotional side used to have more leverage and pull but that wasn't the wisest thing. My intellectual side knows that in the long run, actions I take need to be done with a clear head. Case in point. I got a post on my Facebook with a running joke. It made me laugh so hard. And then for just a moment it made me sad. Why? Because it was a running joke with a friend I don't associate with. Not because we have a problem with each other. I mean, at this point, maybe we would face each other and give each other the stink eye because we are different ends of loyalty or truth. But there I was laughing at this. I ran a scenario in my head about posting it. But in the end, I know I wouldn't do it. Any type of reminder of me is just...bad. A few months ago I got a glimpse of what a reminder of me looks like. And let's just say it wasn't pretty. It made me cry because it wasn't true. But it still wasn't pretty. So Conversations with myself. You know you have done it. Conversations with yourself. Scenarios and realities that don't come to light because you know better. I did find out what the culprit was for my migraine. Glad we adjusted the AC. But it also made me go searching for my cold packs. Perfect timing. Anyways, conversations with yourself. I am laughing. In a sad way. But I am laughing. Maybe I can find a way to show you so you can laugh with me. Yah! I found a way!
Wednesday, February 17, 2016
Tuesday, February 16, 2016
This past weekend was of Epic proportions. Some of it was just from the company. Some of it was from seeing an amazing moving with my biggest celebrity crush. Some of it was seeing my favorite comedian. And taking pictures with him. But always, there was Jeremy making the memories with me. I appreciate that Jeremy sees past my layers. I can come across very differently. If one doesn't know me well enough, they do get the wrong idea about me. While I understand at first, that that kind of perception of me could initially be why someone would get a bad impression of me...at the same time I get upset. Find out the person I am. I respect people. People who are sidelines don't get to see the full picture. Don't have an opinion of me on the sideline. My Epic weekend almost got ruined with someone being upset at me for a wrong idea about me. And my self doubt went into overdrive. I thought of every wrong thing I have done. Luckily, for me...anytime I become foolish like having self doubt, I have stubborn friends that refuse to let me stay in that little deprecating pool. The best words came from Jeremy. I thanked him because I felt so loved and appreciated. And his words were simple but Epic. You deserve it. Strangely, in self doubt mode, I don't feel like I do. Do I push people with my over the top personality? Am I too much. Maybe the answer is yes. But the strongest survive. And they see the fierce loyalty I have. So...I could wallow in the self doubt...or enjoy what was one of the most amazing weekends of experiences. I think I'll pick the second one. Even venting it out like this helps. I sparkle and shine. If you don't like it, get out of my unicorn shadow. It's taken me a long time to believe in my own confidence. I'm not going to let insecure people ruin my believe that I am more than enough. I am amazing. I make people feel amazing. I make them see their own magic. There is some frustration. Maybe even a little anger that some people don't get it. That's okay. I can't help their insecurities. And then there is the smile of those who refuse to let me self doubt. I thank them. They are not always the same people. Sometimes they are. And then sometimes, you get a surprise seeing someone rally for you. That in and of itself, is Epic. Surprise someone with a compliment, randomly. You never know if you become that Epic moment in their day, let alone their life.
Friday, February 12, 2016
An interesting conversation I had brought me to an epiphany about today.Or I should say about Valentine's Day.A moment where I said...That makes sense. I respect others for celebrating it. I love looking at my Facebook feed and seeing the pictures of Valentine's related things, whether romantic, platonic, or familial. Yet, for myself, I don't celebrate it. I didn't always feel this way? And it occurred to me...as my friend said...That would turn anyone off to Valentine's Day. I got divorced 13? years ago to Woody today. It seems a lifetime ago. What turned from love quickly turned into resentment and disdain. I don't think you can put us in the same room and not have a fight start. We didn't even date him officially. We met in basic training. Yes. Queen Sparkles was once in the Army. I don't mention it much because I don't feel I've earned the right to say veteran or anything. I digress. Whirlwind romance. The man knew how to sweep a woman off her feet. He also knew how to swipe the rug afterwards. Later, I found it he's had mental illness issues. And PTSD, supposedly. I say that because some of my army buddies tell me another story. In any case, that was a very dark part of my life. Alone in Germany and most people didn't know about the physical abuse. I'm clumsy, remember? He drank heavily. But I am relieved he asked for the divorce. I would've had us go to counseling. I would've stuck it out. It's a commitment. And I believe in commitment. Today, I got divorced. I used to actually celebrate D-day. Divorce day. Jeremy and I both did. We would acknowledge our past. It took me a while to want to marry again. I was scared of having that kind of bond with a person. I had at this point not believed I could be loved. I'm difficult to live with. Yada yada yada. Many hurtful things that made me doubt myself as a partner. Until Jeremy. We struggled in the beginning. Both of us awkward in our approach on things sometimes. But onward we went, together. We knew the love was there. We just needed to figure how to communicate with each other. And every day we work at that. And every day we choose each other. We actively choose to be together, to live together, to be friends in our relationship. We don't seem the most compatible people on paper. I agree. Opposites do attract. And when someone is worth it, you just get it done. You make it work. You figure it out. So this Valentine's day, I will smile and remember that it doesn't have to come with such a bad taste. It will be just another day. But every day with Jeremy is Valentine's day, or anniversary, or birthday. Every day is a gift we have of each other. And we cherish it. And each other.
Thursday, February 11, 2016
Everyone needs at least one weird friend. ~E. Jarvis Thribb (17½) [Barry Fantoni
I thought about this saying as I read it. I used to think when I saw the word weird, it was an insult. And it may have been on the way the word was approached. After all, in the past it seems it got a bad rap about being an unpleasant word. I hope I am that weird friend for you. I don't have the same issues of worrying about what people think of me anymore. Does it still affect me? Yes. I am human. I would lying if on some level someone's opinion didn't affect me. But I'll be exhausted trying to please everyone with their opinion of me and they haven't had my journey. They don't know the whole story. It's the two things I have known along the way to let my weirdness fly. So, hopefully you can be that weird friend for someone. The one person they can be their absolute self with. You get to see them be their authentic self. And that in and of itself, is a beautiful thing to watch. A weird friend is priceless. Everyone should have one.
Wednesday, February 10, 2016
Those are the words we proudly say when we love someone, without irony or strings. Often it is a family member, a child, or a significant other. Sometimes it's friends too. But what if in the reality of things you can't help your loved one. What if if the cards don't call for that? You do the next best thing. You pray or use positive thoughts to help them along on their day. You don't know that it gets through. That's like having faith. It's what we do. Because somehow the bond doesn't break. Often times we say distance nor death can break a bond. It would be interesting to try that theory on whether reality does or not. It's something to think about. It's what we do. Is there someone like that for you? It would also be interesting to know if you are that person for someone. That is another interesting thing to think about. Selfless. It seems like this is a selfless kind of love. That whether there is a return back on the affection or love is irrelevant. It's what we do...because we love
Tuesday, February 9, 2016
Life is going to throw you curve balls, no matter what. Take for example, myself. I do my best to have a zen life. To remove virtually any stress from my life. However, no matter how hard I try, some stress will be there. And for what it's worth some stress is good. It helps me to know how to deal with what I like to call "hairy" situations. I find outlets and ways to combat that or deal with that. Blogging, my tea consumption, dancing, and talking to friends are some outlets. It helps me to clear my mind and figure out how to solve the problem in the most logical way. It's a Jess flair way of logic but indeed, there is logic. These outlets and ways help maintain balance in my life. Balance is essential to my health. Outlets and ways are important to anyone, really. You want to create an environment that helps you keep balance in your life.
Monday, February 8, 2016
Since I have been on this new chapter of confidence I understand and appreciate this new normal. Stress level is close to zero. Because my anxiety has also been reduced I feel a difference there too. Do I still have self doubt? Of course. However, I have a squad, so to speak that help me along with the way. They remind me the value I bring to this world. And I trust them. I trust them implicitly because they have my best interest at heart. Tribe seems like a bad word now. Perhaps, one day it won't be. For now, squad works. I understand the beauty I bring to this world. I have a gift. And sometimes it seems so simple to me to give it. I suppose I didn't realize my own value. I love this new normal of Sparkle and shine. As it was rebranded. it took on new meaning because it was I who created and manifested this persona of mine. I am happy. Just genuinely happy. I am happy for my experiences. I happy for my memories. I am happy to just take in life. We constantly re emerge with a new normal. I hope you have the confidence to move forward, to forge through any hardships. I hope you have a squad, or at least one person that gets you. That is your person. It makes life easier to navigate.
Friday, February 5, 2016
A process is different for everyone. And it also depends on the process happening. Healing, for example, for me, includes redos and transfers. That means I redo memories. I get a second chance to redo bad or memories that create a bad space in my mind. Jeremy has been instrumental in helping with that. No questions asked. We do these redo adventures. Every time we do, I just watch in amazement that my husband does the redos with me, because it's my healing process. But it is also others. I have friends that also help me transfer bad memories and I'm able to redo memories or use associations with them that will now be seen as positive memories. Again, it's about my healing process. I feel supported by it. And it's been able to help that I heal. And in turn, I am helping others heal. I have the resources now to help others find their healing process. It won't look like mine. It shouldn't. It is a journey that they must take on their own. But I can be an emotional sponsor and be there for them for support. Every one needs some kind of therapist friend. Mine just happens to be my husband. I'm my husband's. And my friends. Maybe...I'm even yours. Maybe some time you seek an answer. And maybe one of my blogs just happens to help be a perspective board where you come up with the answer on your own, but inspired by thoughts I might have brought up. Who knows? I have been a sound board. I could see being a perspective board. Even the blog had its own redo. Quiet spaces was an inside joke. A part of something with inside language with a friend. But then, quiet spaces became the blog. And it was a beautiful way to associate. When I think of quiet spaces, I think of here. Redo and transfer have helped my dream of wholeness come true. And that is a beautiful dream I didn't think would ever come true.
Thursday, February 4, 2016
It will be interesting to update you and let you know I haven't had an anxiety attack for a month now. That's a substantial amount of time. Funny, how even a month can change someone's way of thinking. Within the last 6 months I have been on a healing journey. It was interrupted momentarily from some drama. But I was able to get back on track on my healing journey. And even that drama became part of the healing journey. Today, I spent time with a friend who just needed the magic of having Jess around. That made me smile. Because I know what I bring. And they were grateful for that. I also looked into volunteering again. I thought about trying for a job. And I still apply to jobs. But I don't actively search like I used to. Thankfully, Jeremy is getting to a point in life professionally that will not be an issue enough. I am lucky my husband wants to spoil me. I don't want things. I've never been one for material things. And when I have had them, I get them at bargain prices. I want to travel with him. I want to invest in charity work with it. I want to make a difference. My condition does slow me down at times. It's controlled right now. But I do have to keep a balance on it. And it's not just Epilepsy to deal with. It's also PCOS. And the migraine disorder. Keeping those all balanced out is tricky. Stress levels and diet are two factors I am mindful to keep things balanced. Jeremy helps me to balance. So do my other friends. My health is important to them. And that makes my heart melt. It shouldn't. It should be something natural with friends. But as I haven't made the best choices in significant others, I haven't made the best choices in friends either. I am now. I have people I seek out that help to open my perspective and mind. I have people that I connect well with. I have people that I have history with. I have people that love me. My confidence is different. I trust my thoughts more these days. I respect my own opinion now. It sounds crazy to write that but it's true. And I think the anxiety came from hiding so much inside. Like a façade I was putting on. I am as authentic as I can be as much as I can be. And that feels really good. I am sure I will still face anxiety. But I feel like have better arsenal.
Wednesday, February 3, 2016
A conversation about fighting for what you believe in. Whether it's person or a way of thinking. You fight. You fight for it because it's that important. I fight is also you standing up for yourself. I stand up and am unapologetic about being a silly fairy that sees herself as a beautiful unicorn. I mean, this is magical. And yet, in my own way...I see that magic that I give to others. Simply by being myself. You fight for it. You don't need to justify. As a friend just said....Don't be ashamed of you. Do your thing. What beautiful and simple words but so profound. We all come to a different time to figure that out. I am almost 40 and I just came into my own. You fight for you. You fight for someone you think is worth it. You fight for what works for you. Because in the end, no one knows the rewards and consequences of your life...better than you.
Tuesday, February 2, 2016
It may sound weird to others. But be you. Do you. I might not understand your path...why you manage to go a certain way. I haven't had your experiences. And you shouldn't have to justify to me...or anyone else why you do things a certain way. But I will support your journey. Wholeheartedly. Because you have supported my journey. Every day, when you come read my thoughts, you support me. For the transformation I have had in the confidence department...it has been you, my quiet spaces , that have helped me just put my thoughts out into the open. It is scary and exhilarating...all at the same time. And the most interesting part...is I don't know who you are. At first, that frightened me. I thought of the judgement. And you know...maybe some of you do judge this. It's okay. You still keep coming back. Even if for idle curiosity. I've stopped worrying so much about what others think of me as I'm getting older. I like how silly I am. I like the childlike essence I do possess. Granted, even I know where it originated from and that part is tragic. However, I put a spin to it and it became a positive. My aspects that were named in order for me to survive transformed into Sparklepuss, whom I didn't name so I don;t think I felt the feeling of whole. I think the transformation of wholeness included me naming myself. JB at least tried. His intentions were in the right place for me to see the incredible person I was inside. And for once, I started to listening to someone. What I didn't realize was my discrediting myself meant I discredited others who have been trying to tell me for years. Including Jeremy. And so this transformation of wholeness became whole as I re emerged as Queen Sparkles. I love it. And those who love me, love it. They love the sparkle and shine I bring to their life. The warmth that I embody. That unabashed vulnerability is genuine. Be your own super hero. And if not...It may sound weird. I'll be yours until you find your inner bad ass.
Monday, February 1, 2016
An interesting debate of sorts was brought up. A friend of mine and I were discussing the idea of working through pain. The idea was if your source of pain is still around or if they were not...could you work through the pain? Which might you choose? Given the choice, I chose having the source of pain around. I've always been a person who pushes the envelope with myself regarding fears or pain. In some ways, I think that's why it takes me a while to push toxic friends away. I choose to work through the pain. Interesting epiphany I just realized of myself as I am writing. If I choose to walk away from a source of pain, my health is usually a factor. I have choices and control over my emotions. I have control over my health, to a point, if it is affecting me through my emotions. I call it decision tree. That might not be the most wise decision for me...to have the source of pain around. But that would be my choice, if given. One or the other. Neither has a lesser pain to it, really. You hurt. You could find arguments on why one is more painful than the other. And both would be a solid argument. But really, one or the other....is painful.