Friday, December 23, 2016


The Unicorn wine holder came home to me.  The white elephant recipient thought it belonged to me and sent it home to me.  Thank you, K!!! What's funny is that another friend got it for me too.  So I will be with two Unicorn wine holders! Insanity.  It feels good to be loved and appreciated.  It feels good to be accepted for the crazy Unicorn I am.

A quick note

Oh, how they are growing.  Teenagers.  Geez.  I am so proud to be part of two amazing individuals.
I wish I had more.  I'm just in a melting heart happy fuzzy mood.  Merry Christmas.  You are all amazing people inside.  Don't let anyone take that away from you.  Now go be the badasses I know you can be,

Thursday, December 22, 2016


The power of a message.  573 people have read that I reported Javier.  I don't know what the next step is.  I know that I am trying to heal.  It was first to heal so I could report.  Now, it's to heal to get the most out of life.  Survivors often have things that hinder them to fully live life.  We've been gaslighted.  We've already been sexually abused.  But the psychological torture is sometimes more cruel because the scars are not easy to see.  How does one explain the intricacies of someone telling you you're stupid.  Or you won't do better than him.  Once in a while I stood up to him, only for him to get in my personal space and somehow convince me that I did bad...or I was the one in the wrong.  CC and I had an OMG moment the other day.  We both had given him the same analogy.  You're telling me the sky is red when I know it's blue.  We laughed.  We sighed.  We continue to learn from our friendship.  We are helping each other heal.  It's an odd feeling to see so much of myself in her and likewise.  And yet, still be so different.  It's bizarre.  Like somewhere, the family line has met.  573.  I hope my message is this.  I get why you're afraid to say something.  But things do get better.  They probably get worse, first.  And then, they get better.  Because you start finding where your strength is.  And you start becoming your own inspiration.  I am my own super hero.  I am Queen Sparkles.

Wednesday, December 21, 2016

Dear Readers

It's time to thank you again.  You know I like doing this here and there.  I never get tired of appreciating people or telling them.  So you're going to take it....and you're going to like it. lol .  It feels good to express myself somewhere.  I used to write in a journal long ago.  But I couldn't seem to keep up with it.  And I tried blogging once before but I didn't keep up with it.  I was glad I tried again, thank to a friend of mine.  She inspired me to blog again.  And here we are.  People have many reasons why they read my blog.  Sometimes I am entertaining.  Sometimes I make you think.  Sometimes you like the idea of reading someone else's life.  Like some odd form of a reality show.  Sometimes you need inspiration.  Sometimes you need reference.  Sometimes, you just need to know that you aren't alone.  And sometimes you might just need to read beautiful words.  You are someone special in this world.  Each and everyone one of you.  You have gifts you bring into the world.  You have a personality that people cherish.  You matter.  YES. YOU MATTER.  It might be hard to believe that when you are being gaslighted by someone.  Or maybe you don't hear the words enough.  So here I am.  YOU MATTER.

Tuesday, December 20, 2016

Your Tuesday chuckle

I Don’t Wanna Live Forever | ZAYN | ft.Taylor Swift | Fifty Shades Darke...

Ughs. This song is stuck in my head. Not a fan of the movies. But I can't seem to escape this song. I was singing to it in the car on the way.

It's all fun

Too funny

Love this throw!!!

Okay.  I just posted this but I love it.  This is me

Beautiful words

So much Yes

Emotionally charged

Yesterday was an emotionally charged.  I hadn't realized how much until afterwards.  Until now, really.  I went to the Rape Crisis Center for an appointment.  I had a new counselor which made me anxious.  So much, I actually brought my aromatherapy Unicorn.  But by the end, while my old counselor  used the word grounded, this one used self-sufficient.  She called me strong.  I've seen that impressed look before.  My friends have it at times for all things I have been through.  I guess I don't realize my own strength.  I still have a bad habit of dismissing myself.  I notice it now and try to stop myself.  I was even doing it in the session.  I likened myself to a sports car. (Jeremy compares me to a sports car lol) And the idea of needing maintenance.  She called it a reality check of sorts.  And I agreed.  I just want to make sure I am on the right path.  She wondered if my education in psychology had any help in my own healing.  I can't remember all the words she had but it was one of the most validating beautiful words I have come across.  And also helped to validate how I am healing myself.  My crazy outlets.  My blog.  My writing.  My friend therapist helping.  My job.  Each helps me to heal.  And so will the sessions.  I hadn't realized how much of a daze was in or thought I was until I ran into a friend at the store on my way to this appointment.  I apologized later but he said I seemed fine.  I must hide it well.  But I felt frazzled.  I felt frazzled until I got a good read from her.  She's amazing.  So, the healing begins.  Just keep doing what I'm doing.  Just keep being a warrior. 

X Ambassadors - Unsteady

I was listening to this driving home.

Monday, December 19, 2016

Glitterbag in pictures

Yeah.  That happened.  The Great Sugar War
Aromatherapy Unicorn.  Smells like Lavender

I love this
This came out in my memories.  Oldie but goodie lol

Happiness Glitterbag

A friend once described that as all the things that make me happy.  It goes in my happiness glitterbag.  A weekend like this certainly does.  It started out with Jeremy's office party.  Such a great group of people.  It's nice to be able to mingle and not depend on having Jeremy by my side.  One of coworker friends actually brought a white elephant gift specific for me.  However, we didn't participate in it.  I kind of like where it ended up.  That person and I love talking Doctor Who together.  She's such a spunky personality.  I love it.  While my sleep has been better, it still has been a rough week.  I couldn't tell if Javier was lying about knowing about CPS because of the chain of events.  The plan is.  However, at this point, he knows about the CPS and the assault investigation.  So a night like Friday was much needed.  We went to see the movie Star Wars on Saturday.  And Sunday, spent the day early with "L" and DA since they had plans later in the night.  I wrote more in my story.  I'm excited for that! It's not a lot.  But I am so proud of myself for putting pen to paper.  It might take years to complete it but it makes me feel good.  And that's the important part. So this wonderful weekend really filled my Happiness Glitterbag.  And just spending it with Jeremy.  At different points in the weekend, I curled up and held him. And closed my eyes and took in that hug.  This man has been my rock.  All couples have struggle.  We've had our share.  Especially this year.  But I love how we figure it out together.  I love how we're stronger after the struggle.  I guess it took a week to really digest reporting him.  I've informed a few others friends.  A couple more high school friends that were part of my healing process.  Along with a friend, a musician friend that helped with the healing process last year.  I literally went to his concert thing on Aug 1 last year.  It was therapeutic? We dated in our teens but managed to stay friends over the years.  Him and his wife are amazing together.  I also baked cookies again.  That was so much fun! "L" and I are dangerous on the silliness factor.  But I love how these silly moments and adventures make me smile and laugh.  It helps me get stronger.  It helps my soul. In some ways, it's my soul that has needed recharge.  Triggers and old wounds are coming up.  I hadn't realized the magnitude of emotional abuse I had with Javier.  Words like Gaslighting and Love bombing are helping me to understand how much of a monster he really is.  My entire relationship was a lie.  That is something I'm having to work with.  My only consolation is that he's not my first love.  JMB is.  I hadn't meant to fall in love with my best friend.  But when your best friend shows you the kind of love you deserve, it sometimes happens.  .And your own boyfriend has this abusive side .  It happens.  I like our friendship now.  We still talk.  But we're not those 20 something kids.  We both have lives.  We're both spouses and parents.  And we don't talk every day.  Just here and there.  It used to be more last year when I needed it.  But I don't need it anymore.  And the most important part is that Jeremy understands the friendship.  We never see each other.  Just text and once in a while, call.  And I show Jeremy the conversations.  That's the interesting thing about thanking some of the friends on this healing journey.  This journey has been going on for 20 years.  Some knew Javier with me.  Like Jeremy.  Some knew of just the pain and saw what it did to me.  I said thank you for being part of my healing journey.  But what I meant to say also was thank you for saving my life.  Each one of those people I thanked, saved my life.  They pulled me up to have the courage to report the rape.  Jesus Christ, that was difficult.  I always worried that I would be questioned why I didn't report ala Piers Morgan.  And I still could get that if this goes anywhere.  I was given the choice to press charges.  I didn't.  I wanted a paper trail.  If he gets any charges pressed, I want them on the CPS.  And really, all she wants is supervised visits because he's not fit to be alone with his kids.  These Monsters really exist.  I knew him.  I dated him.  I married him. But I reported him.  From this Moment by Jim Brickman is on. 
And then, there's you.  You, my quiet spaces have also saved my life and given me the courage to report it.    404 people have viewed the case number blog entry.  Of all the entries to ever have high numbers...that is the most meaningful one.  So, thank you.  You make me heart melt.  You also fill the Happiness Glitterbag

Sunday, December 18, 2016

Friday, December 16, 2016

Jim Brickman - Angel Eyes

This song always has a way of making me smile.

Thursday, December 15, 2016

As of

As of tonight, he was informed he was being investigated for CPS and also my case, a sexual offence.  Shit just got real.  Sighs.  Breathe in.  Breathe out.  I'm ready.  I'm scared.  But I'm ready.

Leona Lewis - Happy (#LYRICS)

Rachel Platten - Fight Song (Official Video)

a 20 year song.

Your Heart Is As Black As Night

I'm familiar with this artist. Love her music. But just found this song a few days.

Halsey - Control (Audio)

Amazing artist.

I feel different

I feel different.  It's the only way to describe it.  I feel like I just took a big weight off my shoulder.  Tension in my body.  Residual something or other feels like it's chipping away.  It's still a slow process.  And every day is truly another opportunity for healing and growth. those words really resonate.  But....I feel it.  I  I feel unchained. It's funny.  Now...when I do something, I don't worry about failing or succeeding with it.  I am more focused on the fact I did it.  It's too cliche to say because of this, my confidence grew.  Because, it's so much more than that.  I came out of the shadows of my own self, so to speak.  Does that make sense?  I felt for so long because it had been verbally beaten into my brain my worthlessness, that me, authentic me...the person, wasn't enough.  I used to think I started the aspects because I was trying to survive.  And part of it was that.  But I am starting to think I did that because I couldn't imagine my thoughts and my voice was enough for anyone to take seriously or listen to.  What did I know? Instead...I understand my own limitations with my cognitive issues.  They are there.  I process differently.  And that's okay.  In fact, nowadays, I am glad I process differently.  I think it adds to my experiences in life.  Prime example.  I am 180 pounds, give or take.  I recognize that society has put a "value" so to speak of my weight.  I'm considered fat. But all I feel is a curvy, bubbly, full figured woman bouncing around.  Size 12-16 doesn't mean I'm any less of a woman because society has said skinny makes a woman better.  I applaud anyone who wants to be healthy and makes healthy choices.  So, I won't knock a woman who is skinnier than me.  That's mean.  Jeremy hardly seems to mind my weight.  His behavior is a wonderful reminder he loves me just the way I am.  Now...normally...a woman doesn't tell her weight.  But little ol Jess just did.  And she knows she might get judged.  Geez, she's fat.  I'm only 4'11 and a quarter.  A couple of friends took my height measurement and my heart sunk.  I had shrunk. lol It used to be 3/4.  On my ID, it says 5'0". I process it differently.  I see people for their hearts, not even the way they look.  I see people for their kindness.  Not how much they make.  I see people for their actions, not by even their thoughts.  Because thoughts are thoughts.  And sometimes they can be harsh, ugly, and dark.  But action speaks volumes.  I see people for their compassion and authenticity.  Not the image.  I see you.  
We all have flaws.  We all have a story.  But we all make choices.  My choices affects others.  So, when I make them, I do make them for myself.  But I do try to take into account those who will be affected.  Maybe I overthink.  Maybe I put too much thought in how other people will feel.  But I have no apologies for it.  I am not my authentic self if I am not trying to be considerate of others.  If I care about you, I will support you.  It's authentic Jess.  And let's face it.  Even if I don't care about you, you get surface Jess.  And that's not bad either.

Wednesday, December 14, 2016

"NOT THE FUTURE" -- Extended Lyric Video

Jeremy also found this. It's from the same guys that did Bushels of Love. Yeah. I was bobbing my head.  The timing is perfect since the new movie is coming out this weekend.  Of course we're going to see it!!! It's Star Wars.  Yeah. I know.  I'm such a nerd.  I love it lol

Porter Robinson & Madeon - Shelter

Jeremy found this video. I love it. The music video is trippy.

Starts one way and goes another

I had a blog entry set up regarding Piers Morgan and his atrocious reaction to Lady Gaga's  story.  That whole story reminded me why survivors, like me, don't want to come forward.  But I did.  Despite my fear.  I did it for someone else.  Two someone elses, in fact.  So this blog starts one way and goes another.  And that's okay.  Jeremy just left.  He's off to an interview.  I thought of just keeping that to myself until he might have gotten the job.  But truthfully, while it does matter if he gets the some ways, it doesn't.  I am proud of him, no matter what.  I am proud of him taking this step.  I am proud of him, wanting to go forward.  I am proud of him wanting to get his CCIE.  I am proud of him for being my rock while preparing for the interview.  I am proud of him as his wife...and as his friend.  I am proud of the person he has evolved into.  I am proud of him being part of my healing journey.  That was something I have done within the last couple of days.  I have thanked people who have been part of my healing journey. It was informing and thanking, at the same time.  I informed RN, whom I dated after Javier.  He was one of the first people on that journey.  I informed JS whom Javier said, "I'm getting one up on JS".  I Informed TG who was my best friend in high school and into my college years and often got compared to with Javier.  I informed VD who helped me to go to the Rape Crisis Center.  I informed JMB.  I informed SS who helped me to look at that day as a way to empower myself or get out of my comfort.  I informed JB who pushed me to face it and understand what, where, and how I was running from this.  I informed "D" who might need to internalize that story as she as her own struggle to work with.  I informed NB who helped me understand my shame.  I informed KJ who helped me understand my inner rage, anger, and where it meant with my strength.  I informed my friend MC who looks after me, like I'm her own kid.  And of course, my 4 pillars of strength.  I have 3 beautiful women that protect me.  But CC is on her own planet.  I informed AP because he helped me understand value, self worth, beautiful words, identity, and helped pick up where JB was. Until I no longer needed that help.  Until Jeremy and I could figure a way to a version of Jeremy and Jess' beautiful words.    AP helped me to see that Jeremy and the rest of the friends I have, saw this beautiful, amazing, sparkling, and warm person.  I finally see it.  I finally see the gift I am to the world.  I finally see and understand and believe the beautiful words from all my friends, past or present.  And when I saw my intelligence....wouldn't you know it? I started actually understanding a little bit of Jeremy's field.  I gave myself the chance to believe I can understand certain concepts.  I just informed "Sunshine". 

And then there's Jeremy.  We were in the car, heading to the restaurant where we had our first date.  And I said,..."I did it ...I really did it."  I'm proud of myself.  And he said...You did good. ".  It was almost like a scene out of a movie.  I was having my own Lifetime movie.  But it has a hallmark channel feel. 

And then, there's you.  Thank you, quiet spaces for letting me tell my story.  Thank you for being here while I share my pain.  I did choke up at one point telling the police officer. 
It was hard to get out. was fucking hard to get out.  But as promised, CC was holding my hand.  I was asked if I knew what to expect.  I told the officer I don't expect an arrest given the time.  But I wanted paperwork.  I want a paper trail.  I want to shed light on his pattern of abuse. 
I want to show Javier (Xavier Gonzales) that he no longer has control of me.  I am free. 
I have an appointment with Rape Crisis Center on Monday.  I have a new counselor.  Mine left.  Which is sad.  But I want to just inform them of what I did.  And take it from there.  I don't know what to expect now.  But now, when I fall asleep at night...I can go to bed knowing...I did what seemed like the impossible. I reported it.  After all this time....I reported it. 

Monday, December 12, 2016

Daya - We Are (Lyrics)


Javier didn't show up for court today.  Neither did his lawyer.  He's also getting a visit from CPS today regarding his daughters with Child abuse and neglect.  And then there is my case.  That's the number
16-053259.  It has its own number now.    It wasn't easy to do it.  But I had CC holding my hand when I did it.  I really did it. It took 20 years but I reported it.  December 12,2016....I reported my rape.  I don't expect an arrest or anything.  All I want is paperwork.  But I did it....I really did it.
You are facing your own version of Voldemort.  You wear your Hufflepuff Necklace and socks.  

Sunday, December 11, 2016

When a song hits

I've heard the song plenty of times now.  But it wasn't until now that the song hit somewhere that I hadn't gone yet, I suppose.  I have had cry moments here and there with all this going on.  But I heard that song, and there I was, in the bathroom in the corner, listening to the song on my ear phones, quietly crying.  Not because I can't tell my husband.  I finally can do that.  I finally have the confidence.  But because of the magnitude.  Because new.  By tomorrow, CPS informs he what has been reported, including the rape.   I am afraid of him.  When I go into the courtroom,  I am praying I won't show my fear.  Because, I am afraid of this monster.  I thought he got flushed out.  But a voice is creeping in with all the horrible things he has said to me, manipulated me into thinking how worthless I was.  And wondering if the flashback will just explode into full on movie again.  I'm scared a seizure is due from all of this.  Like I'm on the cusp of it happening.  When it happens to you is a powerful song.  I may not have reported it but this blog goes out and it's permanent.  Javier (real name Xavier Gonzales) raped me.  He physically hurt his second wife.  And he's being accused of child abuse and neglect.  He's not even getting punished with no visitation.  This is a fight for supervised because he is not fit to be with them by himself.  This is what overt narcissism looks like.  He's been identified as that.  I am relieved to know all men are not like this.  I have met caring males.  I have met males that wouldn't dream of being a monster like this, including my husband.  He's my rock.  Jeremy...helps me find my strength inside.  Especially when I feel like this.  If you'll excuse me, I think I am going back to bed so I can cry on his chest.

Thursday, December 8, 2016

☼ Temple Of Silence ☼ music by Deuter ♪♫♪

Also, Kindred Spirit from Deuter

A new day

Wow...yesterday was quite emotional for me.  I woke up feeling better rested.  If I did dream, I don't remember it.  I had tea with one of my best friends.  It was such a great help.  In some ways, it helped me to build my strength for Monday.  And so so will Saturday with one of my other best friends.  It was interesting learning about an analogy.  It's a great one.  It involved spoons.  They represented energy or capacity to do things.  And it described what happens sometimes.  Some days I have the capacity for many things.  I feel productive.  I feel accomplished.  And that makes me happy.  It's a good day. Other days, it's hard to do things or I don't have the energy or capacity for things.  My Epilepsy does have a link with stress inducement.  So I am very careful on how much stress I can actually allow around me.  You can see why sometimes I cringe at the idea of being a "delicate flower".  I sometimes give myself a hard time that my condition makes me weak.  On the contrary, one never really sees the amount of strength I have for getting up, driving, going to work, and other activity.  In other words, live life.  I don't show people that often the struggle or struggles I have.  I don't want to be judged for being weak.  Let's say, for a good day, It's a 20 spoon day.  I have lots of energy.  I can spread my energy more evenly.  But what about a 5 day spoon.  My body pushes itself.  And then, sometimes my body can't push at all or I'll collapse.  Add the stress factor and it's all that much more difficult.  My condition is not something visible.  And I like keeping it that way.  I might tell people as a walking advocate.  But it becomes more about medical information than about wanting you to know this is a part of me.  This is a new day.  I feel more mentally prepared for Monday. Sometimes, I wondered why I even started blogging about the rape.  It's an extremely personal things to share.  But I think it was because I didn't report it.  And that question does come up.  Why didn't I report Javier? He's manipulative.  I was afraid I wouldn't be believed.  I was afraid to be judged.  And I was afraid the questioning again would trigger something.  I was already humiliated and de humanized for the rape.  Now, by telling someone and they not believe might give you an idea why so many don't report.  Am I afraid I won't believed now? Yes.  But a 19 year old afraid....and a 39 year old afraid are two different people.  And they have two very different set points of experiences.  By blogging about my life, no matter what it it was I was doing...telling you about my highs and lows with Jeremy.  Telling you abut my rape.  Telling you about my healing journey.  Telling you about my struggles with friends.  Telling you about my matter how adventurous or boring it was my life.  Telling you about did feel like I reported it somewhere.  August 1,1996.  Rape is more than just being violated physically.  There is a psychological scar that far haunts a survivor.  We all cope differently.  We cope to survive.  Because if we don't...Suicide does become an option we consider.  And while it was never a strong possibility to act on...don't think it wasn't far from my mind.   A new day.  Thank you for being on the journey with me, my quiet spaces.  I will never tire of being grateful you read me.  In all of this journey, I had to discover my value.  I had to discover my worth.  A rape rips you of seeing yourself with value.  For me it was a royal mind fuck because it was my significant other.  A stranger didn't rape me.  My own boyfriend did.  Wow...seeing those words does something.  I'm crying.....You know what, though? There is positive out of negative.  This wound is being opened for good reason.  To show he has a history of abuse.  Child abuse and neglect(kids), physical abuse(CC), and sexual abuse (me).  And all of us get a customized version emotional and psychological abuse.  Something to think about.......

Wednesday, December 7, 2016


Sometimes I want to capture something, the expression, a pause, somewhere in time that I know what I was thinking, and it's captured in art form, where deep dark depth holds thoughts not yet processed.  I'm not drowning.  But I struggle to swim today.  And that is okay.  Because tomorrow, tomorrow I will not only swim, I will fly.  The sword does not touch.  The sword has not bled into me.  And if it does, then I will fight to slay that dragon that haunts my dreams and my thoughts.  

It's out there

My rape has a case number, so to speak.  CPS is investigating Javier now.  And in their investigation, they had to inquire if there is any history of abuse.  It's out there now.  68316337.  October 1, 2015, I had a meltdown.  I experienced the rape in full flashback.  While today was not as intense, it still provided a stressful situation.  We see him Monday.  But I have a support system.  I also got to cry.  I also got to process that there is documentation now of what he did.  He has a history of abuse, whether physical, emotional, sexual, and neglect now.  There is so much going on.  And I wasn't even sure I was going to share it.  But here I am.  I also had a nightmare last night where I had a seizure in my dream.  So that was draining.  It's been an emotionally exhausting day.

Tuesday, December 6, 2016

Zendaya - Neverland (From Finding Neverland The Album – Official Video)

So I'm officially in love with this song....

Noah Cyrus - Make Me (Cry) ft. Labrinth

Found this song. I'm impressed. I tried not to judge because it was a Cyrus. Glad I didn't.


Food for thought

It's a Unicorn convention!

He shaved!!!! 

Me on Friday

It's a Unicorn Convention!

It's Wine 0'clock

The night before the shave

Getting my silly on with Whiskers.  She was not amused

He shaved!! 

Don't let the cuteness fool you

What was in that drink???!

From one of my nieces 

Just because lol

Mimi be like..."Ill just take a little sip of this drink"

It's Wine O'clock

Promising things

There's things on my mind.  Two are promising things that could change my environment.  One I don't feel like I can talk about yet.  The other doesn't seem like it would be bad.  Lovie #1 wants to move to San Antonio and go to UTSA.  I told him he had free room and board.  Nothing is set in stone.  And really if he changed his mind, I would understand.  But I'm excited he's entertaining the idea at all.  In about a week I might be able to talk more of the second change.  It's big.  I'm excited for Jeremy.  We had Lovie # 2 "s birthday weekend this weekend.  I had an experience with crab.  I don't think I've ever had crab before.  It was a rather interesting experience handling the crushing tool.  I can't believe how the lovies have grown.  I am honored that I have been a part of their life for so long.  With all that excitement on my mind, I also have had a heavy heart with a friend of mine.  The family situation has gone from bad to worse.  It breaks my heart that I know what I know.  I am glad they know I am a support system to rely on.  My head is all over the place with thoughts.  Some positive with my own things.  Other, negative with others.  It's hard to explain, really.  Maybe by Monday, I can feel more comfortable talking about it.  I have a weird schedule for work this week.  She has appointments so not really sure when I am going in.  I should probably start getting ready.  Sorry.  I feel like I'm failing to formulate any decent blog entry today. lol Ughs.  It happens.  Hope you have a sparkling day

Thursday, December 1, 2016

Loreena McKennitt - The Mummer's Dance

Imagine Dragons - Levitate (Audio)

Interesting song. Not sure if I like it yet

Reflection in pictures

Jeremy's second gift to me.  The first was a journal.  

I wore a skirt!! I'm girly adulting...sort of 

Mimi hanging around, counting the count down.  Oh..Look at me all witty and poetic

Food for thought

Love my new phone holder.  I haven't given it a name yet

I guess this is my reflective face

Mimi and I, just hanging out 

Just because


A couple of things happened today.  1) I woke up well rested.  Except for one interruption, at maybe 12ish, I slept through the night.  2) I woke up to a sneezing frenzy.  It was crazy.  I think I got it out of my system.  Today, I recognized ,was going to be a reflection day.  Lady Marian from Clannad is on.  What a befitting song for a befitting mood.  I guess it would have been even more befitting if it was Loreena McKinnet.  lol
I got some hot chai tea and sat down to some Christmas music.  Jeremy's 2nd gift to me is sitting on one of the sofas.  His first gift to me was a Burgandy journal.  And there I sat...just thinking.  Not necessarily of bad.  Not necessarily of good.  Just of things that sometimes are never really far from my mind.  Most of the time certain things just stay on the shelf.  But on a day like this, the weather is colder and boom.... Thinking.  I've received many gifts this year.  Sometimes through lessons learned.  Sometimes through beautiful words.  And sometimes, from facing my worst fears.  I have a hot lunch date with Jeremy today.  I love our little lunch dates.  In the evolution of growing and learning, so has Jeremy.  And for that matter, so has our marriage.  We recognize the need to help our relationship flourish.  I don't know if we meant to or if we did, really.  But before it got to a point that it might, or be a sign of taking each other for granted, we were proactive.  We both stumble on our way to flourish.  No more him than me.  We both stumble.  But we figure it out because we love each other fiercely.  I think the best gift this year was facing Javier.  There are monumental moments in my life.  They become too surreal for words.  Looking him straight in the eye was one of them.  We were feet away from each other.  How bizarre and surreal was that.  This monster that has been tormenting my thoughts for years was feet away from me, looking rather distraught with my presence.  I forgot how strong I can be sometimes.  I am a Warrior Goddess when I want to be.  I just have to channel it.  That gift has served me well in my healing process.  I learned how to heal from loss.  I learned how to heal from insecurity.  I learned how to heal with Jeremy.  I learned how to heal from a very traumatic experience in my life.  It's been an almost 2 dimensional.  But never really digging for that third dimension and space.  Because if I did, might I wither like a delicate flower? And in my mind, somehow, somewhere my brain translated weakness.  And if I broke down...would I stay there...broken? So many questions I was afraid to answer for myself.  Let alone for anyone else.  I had people trying to break down my walls.  It wasn't until I lost something dear that I grew up inside somehow.  I had start over.  I had to allow myself to ask for help.  I had to then push through and stand alone with the pain.  And feel it in its entirity.  The rape.  The losses.  The anger.  The life I had formulated up until that point.  And really recognize that life...the Universe was trying to tell me something.  And maybe...just maybe, I'd finally pay attention.  I'd been here, similarly 20 years ago.  And there I was...Listening for the first time with what Life and the Universe was teaching me.  I grew up a lot this year in my eyes.  I grew out of my little shell of insecurity.  I stopped caring what others thought of me, including Jeremy.  I mean...yes...I respect his opinion.  But even he doesn't have the final say on whom I am or become.  I have that power.  And what was my lesson? Stop putting stock into one person.  Stop letting others define how great you are.  Stop needing the beautiful words.  Be the beautiful words.  Live the beautiful words.  Just be.  Whether it is Jeremy...or anyone else.  Stop doing it, Jess.
I almost had a metaphorical version of an out of body experience.  I got to see from a third person, so to speak, who this amazing person people kept mentioning and break it down.
I have a heart of gold.  I am also a bullish person when I am angry or hurt.
I am a forthcoming person.  But even my truth can be muddled when I am angry or hurt.  It doesn't mean it's not truthful.  It just means there is more to the story.  And that, at that moment, I'm too emotional and in the storm to see it.
I am stronger than I think I am.  But asking for help doesn't make me weak.
That crying in front of my husband is not what I wanted...but needed
The ugly cry...the I am so scared to be vulnerable in front of you, you could squish me into a millions pieces because I encompass so much love, it scares me
Speaking of ugly cry...I am doing it right now.
I knew this entry would be emotional.  But I guess until you're in the moment, you don't realize how emotional you might get.
I am an amazing sparkling adorkable loveable Unicorn. I am Queen Sparkles. I am a dream.  And maybe for some, I am a nightmare.
I'm not fit for everyone.  I may be too much.  And I'm okay with that.  The people that love and accept me for whom I am, good, bad, and Jess...they are whom I am fit for.
For the first time, I stopped worrying about whether I did the wrong thing, said the wrong thing, was the wrong thing.  It's like eggshells.  And it's a very unhealthy way for me to live.  I learned healthy boundaries for myself.  And still learning them.  I had been trying so hard to stay in my little bubble of zen.  And that works...for a little while. But life doesn't work like that.  Life is a rollercoaster.  And I needed to learn how to react to it.  So...reflecting.  Reflection.  Sedona from Erik Wollo is on.  I love Spa Radio.  I like Angel Eyes Radio and Jim Brickman radio but right now it seems it's a great radio to be on.  I apologize for the crazy entry.  I had...have a lot on my mind.  Still, it's revving up to a be a good day.  Lunch with Jeremy, donating clothes, some grocery shopping,housework,  then, some reading.  I hope you have a blessed and beautiful day, my quiet spaces.  Queen Sparkles out.