Monday, September 29, 2014
I kinda need that phrase right now. I still believe. My dream is just right there. This is the test to pass through. It's the most difficult. I feel defeated right now. I feel like all my hard work, sweat, tears, and blood just didn't go anywhere. I haven't given up. I have perspective still. But I can't lie. Behind the smile...behind my laugh...I feel defeated...and confused. I am puzzled by all this. I guess that's normal. So here I am...starting over again....again...It's not like I haven't had the doubt of my intelligence before. But one formality does not determine my intelligence. And good thing I know that. I usually have some philosophical thing going. Today...Sadly, I do not. I won't give up....I won't. But I need a vacation from all this. I want a vacation from my own thoughts. Because sometimes it's those thoughts that get me trouble. Not any crazy thoughts like harming myself...no no no no. But I feel lost. I feel a sense of my self confidence gone. I'm not sure how to get it back. So...maybe I will bring into song....Don't stop believing...
Friday, September 26, 2014
Some days wine is the answer. Some days you don't have inspiration. Some days you can easily find the negative. Some days you need a good cry. Some days you just don't want to keep up the energy tp be a "gladiator" of your hopes and dreams. It's ok. Cry...Get the toxins out. Because some days you'll find out you're too stubborn for your own good.And get up...and start again. Dreams don't come easy. That's why you fight for them
Thursday, September 25, 2014
Sometimes we look for our purpose in life. It's like searching for a secret and you don't know where to find the first clue for the map. You search and search. Sometimes you find it and then lose the keys or worse...overlook the keys that are front of you. But if you are lucky enough to find your purpose....do it with passion...and purpose. I want to throw myself into massage therapy. I'm so happy in my life with Jeremy...I somehow want to spread my joy through "healing hands." Sounds crazy, right? You might say that. But maybe just maybe there is a method to my madness. Maybe I make sense. I am happy. My positive energy can impact people. My "healing hands" can help others. Maybe just maybe I can help the world...one massage at a time. I'd like to think that's possible. It's crazy but when have I not had crazy ideas? I love thinking outside the box. Outside the box was invented for people like me.
Wednesday, September 24, 2014
Tuesday, September 23, 2014
I don't necessarily expect some of you to understand the transition that is happening to me. You have known to be one way. It seems like a 180. It is...sort of. And then it's not. I was like this once...two lifetimes ago. It's a process that I wasn't expecting and quite frankly, I don't exactly know if the process will continue, render itself finished, or what exactly direction it is supposed to take. It's like the old me is trying to submerge from the inner most part of my soul. The difference is I'm an adult. So this child like wonder comes with a sense of realistic expectations. It's a marriage of realism and wonder..hope maybe? I'm not really sure myself. I'm okay with that. I'll see where this journey takes me. Adventures don't always have to be these grand activities that happen. Sometimes adventures are journeys I take within myself. So...I'm off into the world to continue my adventure.
Monday, September 22, 2014
Friday, September 19, 2014
Thursday, September 18, 2014
I am watching the series on Roosevelts. It's quite extraordinary. Once again I got to hear and see one of FDR's most captivating words. " The only thing we have to fear...is fear itsel". In some ways that statement makes absolutely no sense. And yet...as you can break it down into an abstract dimension of the statement you can recognize that fear...is a four letter word. Fear stops us from the real work. Fear becomes the monster inside of us that is trapped. Fear can manifest into uglier things. Fear stops us from understanding and appreciating the more beautiful things in life. Fear is the enemy by which negative energy feeds on. But fear is conniving. We succumb to the idea we are less strong or less anything from this fear. When we can name our fears...when we can recognize the core of our fear and learn to utilize it for good...to learn how to cope and overcome the fear...We have beaten fear, And even when we don't..for that moment because of our human tendency to be well...human...we still have beaten fear. Because we have support. We have people that believe we can over come this fear. They have "faith" that we are more than this fear. We are a person. We are not a product of the fear. We are merely different sides of what fear can possess. We all have different thresholds to what can become of us when adversity is upon us. It doesn't make us less or more than anyone. It just makes us different. What words of wisdom. And that's another soulful and beautiful thing. Words makes fear...fear. Words can influence ideas. Ideas can become beliefs. Words can change the world. That demon that resides in fear...is almost always there. I can't imagine anyone not having some type of inner struggle of any kind. Not even the rich are free from some type of shackle of fear. But what you do with that fear determines what kind of person you can be. So it's okay to fear. But don't let fear become a four letter word you avoid. Let fear become the four letter word you confront. Fear...You fear.. You don't have me.
Wednesday, September 17, 2014
I almost don't even want to blog. But I got to. I feel like a train wreck. My sleep is off. I'm agitated. I need sleep. I said yes to something I shouldn't have but somehow that recklessness is part of that delioriousness. Thanks for letting me rant.
Tuesday, September 16, 2014
Some days you just feel the drain. It's hard to explain what is draining without explaining. Which I feel bad but other people are to be considered. So thank you for reading. Thank you for the positive energy. I appreciate you just being there. Time to focus tomorrow. Back to cave dwelling again.
Monday, September 15, 2014
Seeing it on television gives me a new appreciation to not be anywhere near the entertainment industry. The currency of fame does not hold its glitter. But I smile that just for a moment you fumbled. ..like the rest of us. Only yours is public. I don't envy that
Friday, September 12, 2014
It's a little disturbing to think about death while you're still alive. It has a morbid sense to it. But there it is. I am thinking of my death. Not because I know it's coming or not. Maybe because I don't know and I am taking the time to think about it. The question is what legacy do I want to leave? All these years and I want Dreams by cranberries to still play at my funeral. That's strange. I hope I remembered for my heart. I want to be remembered by my kindness. Somewhere I want you to find my words...my poetry. This is a strange thing but when I left high school there was a yearly magazine the Literary magazine was put out. I ended being submitted through my art work. I was honored and flattered. But I would have wanted my poetry. It's my funeral. Pick a poem...or two. Am I selfish? Yes, I want you to cry. But then I want you to laugh. Wear dark red, if possible. I love Burgandy. I do want to be remembered. I feel like I will have contributed to something through my legacy. I want to be missed. I want to have mattered. I have morbid sense of humor. I guess a conversation inspired me to go off on a tangent..thinking about my death. I promise you. I am okay. This is the crazy inner workings of Jess. I think of the strangest things.
Thursday, September 11, 2014
It's an extraordinary thing what a last will make you feel. I was still Ortiz 13 years ago. I was engaged to be married to Woody Moser. I woke up to my Dad calling me asking if I had seen the news. It was barely after 9. I rushed to the living room and my grandma whom I had stayed with overnight had the television already on. I think I was watching a loop but it could have been one of the airplanes had crashed into one of the towers. It was such a disturbing scene. But I forced myself to watch. Somehow I wanted New Yorkers to not be alone. So this horror was a horror others would see. And then I also so because I realized most of those people might not get out. At the time I didn't think of the Towers collapsing. I thought of the people not being able to escape. It's interesting how you don't think about things until after the fact. There are stories that emerged from all this tragedy. So it seems like two lifetimes ago...really. WE didn't forget you. WE won't.
Wednesday, September 10, 2014
I used to wonder why some people just don't watch the news. And now I've become one of them. I read headlines and look into so that I stay afloat on certain news. But others...I notice it is such a takedown culture. Who knew I would be quoting Taylor Swift. Even she did a takedown. That old saying...if you have nothing nice to say...don't say anything at all. I don't like twitter for that reason. Not that Facebook doesn't have that feature of mean moments. But I remove myself from it right away. I learned not to read comments on things. My own, yes. I have friends that tease and perhaps have a mock moment here and there. But their's is out caring for the quirky person that is me. Don't get me wrong. I'm no angel. But I'm willing to say things to you in front of your face. I'm the kind of friend that will stab you in the front. lol Why are we so quick to judge and then make worse by humiliation? This humiliation is the biggest takedown feeling for me. I have judged at times. There was a guy at starbucks that had blue (not manly blue..sky blue) and zebra shoes. While I never approached him regarding his fashion sense I would have told him. But I wouldn't have humiliated him. That would have been cruel of me. Just giving you an example of me not being an angel. Cruel...that is what I noticed sometimes we are as a society...cruel. I love it when I hear a story that restores my faith in society. Not all of it is bad out there. You just gotta look for it. I am and always be a big believer of looking for a positive out of a negative...no matter how negative it is.
Tuesday, September 9, 2014
Monday, September 8, 2014
This past weekend was really nice. I had a great weekend all around. I spent time with my friends Leah and Jared. Then I got to spend time with my Best Friend, Amanda V. It had been a while since we had gotten together for coffee. It felt good to get back into it. Sometimes I need a nudge to get out of my tunnel vision I am with this MBLEX. And then I went to church on Sunday with Heidi. And that was interesting. I felt like I was meeting up with my ex or something. I felt familiar but I was at a different stage in my life. It felt good but also a little awkward. It felt like that because it had been a while since I had gone to a Catholic Church with anyone but my family. Even Leticia is considered family so it doesn't quite count. And I usually went for her sake, not mine. It just made me think. I once had that faith. I once had that no questions asked faith. And then things happened. I have come back. Sometimes I come jaded. But mostly I come back trying to figure out my journey with my spirituality. I am not religious anymore. In fact, God denotes He sometimes so much that I have started calling God..Universe...because He is She to me. That is something different in my adulthood. Growing up I wouldn't even consider anything but He. I do need to question in order to bring myself back to the faith. I have to want to do something not forced to do it. And going to church was the first step. Heidi has been so supportive. She has no judgement on my journey. She is happy just to help me along. I am so lucky to have such wonderful friends. I cherish Amanda for telling me like it is...even if something it seems harsh. She loves me enough to tell me. I love the bond that Leah and I share. We have so much in common. I cherish Amanda Roberts. We have had such a journey to get to where we are today. I cherish Heidi. I didn't expect that two people with what seemed like different paths in life could actually have more things in common. I hadn't realized that Drama Drain (she doesn't even have a name when I am writing) took so much energy out of me. It's like my energy balance was off. I feel protected...if that makes sense. I feel appreciated. And in order to help myself with my health I do need to think about my mental well being. I sometimes allowed myself the idea that wanting support was a selfish thing. And here it comes naturally to these women. They all have different ways to express it. And it doesn't have to be in the same amount. It's what we can give to each other. So this old chapter with a new outfit. I am trying it on. I want to see what this journey brings. Universe, it's all yours. I look forward to this journey.
Friday, September 5, 2014
Thursday, September 4, 2014
It's been an interesting process becoming more of a hermit. I no longer go to school and I am just studying for the MBLEX. My days are quiet. I do chores. I do visit with friends to break up the cave dwelling pattern. I have gotten used to it. In fact, I think I relish in the idea of being my own company. I think it offers me a chance to make my own adventures. I like company. I love it especially if it's my girls or Jeremy. But something has changed. I went to the museum by myself and I loved it. I loved the experience of taking in the moment...by myself. I don't know if that makes any sense. All I know is that this is a new experience. I thrived on social interaction. I still have it here and there. But it's either on Facebook or a one on one interaction. And I used to think too much time by myself might get me thinking too seriously. And sometimes I do. But it got me thinking of my life, my experiences, my dreams...and so much more. It got me going back like an index holder and flashing back to certain parts of my life...the good...the bad...and the very very messy. They defined me. I don't regret them. Even the dark ones that have molded certain aspects of my psyche and my health. I don't regret that it molded me into the person I am today. And when I look at Jeremy...I know...that's who he fell in love with. That beautiful mess of a soul...the crazy silly stubbornly optimistic side to me. The one that tries to see every positive in a negative. Yup. That one. Until next time for inspiration. I quite enjoy blogging now. I like knowing that someone reads this. I like knowing that maybe my experiences or thoughts make you thinking of something...or even better inspire you.