Thursday, April 28, 2016

Thought about it

I need a break from my blog.  I wanted to do.  But it's painful to write in my blog right now.  Because I am holding back many thoughts.  And I feel I will being fake.  Maybe tomorrow will be different.  But I don't have the energy.  I am at a low point right now.  Words hurt.  And you can't blame someone when they are "being honest" about their feelings.  But it hurts when those are their thoughts.  Give me a Sign from Breaking Benjamin is on.  I can't tell whether to laugh...or cry.  I can't expect you to even understand the insanity of my thoughts.  I want to be here for you.  But I may lose myself trying to do for others.  And my mental health says...back off the blog. So for now....this is my last blog.  How did I get here? This went from 0-60.  Maybe because one day I thought information was one way.  And the next, it was different information.  Decision Tree.

The human process

We all have the struggles.  We process it differently.  We react differently.  Add to that, we aren't alone when we try this human process thing.  It got me thinking to all the things I assume in my head when I feel "doubtful".  And wonder how others cope with their insecurities.  I am better.  But in being better, I do have to so to speak, start again on my confidence journey.  I didn't hit a bump.  I crashed.  And I feel the whiplash.  And that's okay.  Because deep down I know.  I'm made of tougher stuff than this.  A person's opinion of you is never as important as yours.  Even someone you put stock in so much.  You are in doubtful mode so you figure they know more.  No.  They don't.  They're just as human.  And they make mistakes.  The human process is about learning how to interact cohesively.  Some of us have a better grasp of harmony.  Some of us have a gentler handle on finesse.  On knowing, that it doesn't always pay to be right.And what is right? The equation of an outcome that is such a linear answer there is no depth? Or the grey area around that one sees in order to see the linear answer.  Neither one is more important than the other.  The journey is more important than the destination is often been compared to this thought process.  I guess it depends on who you talk to.  I will always see the journey more important.  But that's because I feel in such an intense way that it's hard not to experience my life in some immersion of emotions.  Jeremy and I are better.  I guess I really wasn't okay about not having children.  And other things.  But I learned that my being okay was not something unreasonable.  Even from Jeremy.  he's logical.  he's right in most things. But doesn't mean I'm wrong.  And that's where my confidence sort of collided.  Trying to balance thoughts. Words.  Long after words are has to recover from the hurt.  It's why people are constantly saying be careful of your words.  I get it.  And then at the same time, words are just words.  I learned action speaks louder.  I've always believed that.  The good part is that with every couple they hit their crossroads.  They face obstacles.  They look different.  But the journey to the destination runs the same pattern.  Finding your footing...together.  I often wonder about vulnerability.  Why is it so "easy" for me to share such personal parts of me.  The truth is.  It's not.  But it's more important for me to be a reference manual.  Or insight for you when you might face a similar challenge.  Some of my thoughts can't be all that unique.  I mean.  Yes. I am a unique unicorn but in the human process sense of things, I'm no different than the next person.  People often feel alone.  And sometimes they won't admit it.  So here is a quiet place, with quiet spaces....where you can turn to, like an old friend and read my thoughts.  I imagine, in some ways, they give you comfort.  Perhaps you feel overwhelmed in your job? Perhaps you feel isolated from your family? Perhaps you're figuring out the next chapter of your life.  Perhaps you're struggling in your relationship? Perhaps you're struggling in your friendships.  Perhaps you have a medical condition? Perhaps you're depressed.  These are just things on the top of my head of why you read this.  It's not even about me anymore with this blog.  It's about you.  It's about being there for you.  Not even knowing how I am helping.  Just knowing that I am.  I believe I help people.  I have this special sparkle that even in my self doubt...I do know is there.  I'm just struggling to get my confidence.  But that beautiful spark is still there.  A familiar voice popped in my head.  I almost tried to kick it out.  Instead, I thought in reference manual form.  They were a reference manual for me.  And they was a comfort to me.  When you are at a low point, you are most vulnerable.  I can't believe people might be better off without me.  That's just crazy talk.  I never was to a point of action.  I just had a butterfly effect moment, or It's a wonderful life moment.  But that was still scary for me to think.  That you would be better off without me.  No.....You're not.  You are a better person for reading my thoughts.  Self doubt is a monster I work on daily.  On an intellectual level, I see the effects of what Javier did to me.  Imagine that...intellectual level.  It was beyond the physical violation.  It was something else.  I have trust issues.  I feel insecure when I feel taken advantage of.  I have problems setting up boundaries because I want to please people.  I like making them happy.  And I want them comfortable and feel safe.  But I forget to think about myself.  A conversation with a friend the other day pointed to survivors having that mindset.  I can see that line of thought.  I almost didn't want to blog the last few days.  I just wanted to isolate myself.  And then I thought...what if that very day....someone is hurting, and could use my thoughts.   And that made it better.  So today...we go through our day, experiencing the human process.  Smile for someone.  Greet them and say...hi.  You never know if that one small gesture makes their day.  I will start it.  I hope you have a spectacular day.  Jeremy is working late so I get to spend time with him this morning. And then tonight I have dinner plans with a friend.  And tomorrow we have Ashley's Choir thing! How exciting!

Wednesday, April 27, 2016

Didn't know

I wanted you
I didn't try
I didn't know
you felt the same
WE didn't ask
what was there
we didn't slip
we didn"t fail
But time stood still
we didn't
we didn't know
then eyes met to a destination
and today we knew

We've walked together
many times we've walked
only today we long for more
more that was never before
more that could be
hiding in the shadows

Only this time, you looked into my eyes
And today I see you
seeing me
Today I see you for whom you are
My heart

First poem I ever wrote about Jeremy 12-11-05

Stepping back

There is certainly more to the story that I won't and can't share with you.  But here's what I am willing to.  I can't have children.  And most days I can accept that fact.  I have two beautiful kids that I get to be a co mother.  I have a handful of kids that friends let me be crazy aunt Jess.  And I learn to enjoy having a more quiet life with Jeremy because of being a childless mom.  It has been an adjustment taking care of children that aren't mine.  But that's always going to be something I have to work with.  I wasn't feeling the sting there.  No.  Yesterday I learned that someone was pregnant and it being her, and I had an emotional meltdown.  On top of that, the Universe're not feeling kicked in the stomach enough.  Here.  A friend had a medical emergency and had to drop off their kids.  The kids stayed overnight.  I even took one of them to school.  On almost no sleep.  I somehow managed to delay my episode.  And I also found out elevating my feet helped recovery.  In the midst of that, Jeremy and I fought.  I don't mean like bicker, or tension.  He yelled.  I'm not used to that.  Words were said.  I got hurt.  We cuddled and he said I love you.  But I still hadn't recovered.  I guess somewhere I felt I lost his translation of why I was special.  Long ago, I got a list.  A list of what someone liked about me.  God, that list could make me cry.  So I guess I was hoping Jeremy could easily list that I forgive easily.  That I am compassionate.  That I'm stubborn on showing people their value.  That I give.  That I am considerate.  But Jeremy did remind me when we went to lunch today (Our regular lunch date twice a month) He is "dumb" when it comes to this.  He likened it to handing pre calculus to me.  And explained if I wasn't special I wouldn't be sitting where I am.  That he can't always say the words that express I am special.  But that his actions can speak for themselves that I am there.  As one of my best friends pointed out, Jeremy doesn't waste his time.  If he doesn't want to do something, he just won't.  I did have a small episode but the elevation actually helped.  Today, I am sleeping this off.  Said friend said dinner is on them tonight.  So stepping back.  I guess I am not okay with not having a child with Jeremy.  I guess sometimes I don't want to be around children because it's a reminder that I'm defective.  Or that I feel a rejection that Jeremy didn't want kids with me.  It would have been anybody.  He was done.  And he did tell me 3 days into our relationship.  80/20.  That's what another friend pointed out.  And they thought that was really good odds for a couple.  It's one fight.  It still hurts.  The words.  And we will have to take it day by day.  By no means does this mean some kind of divorce.  It just might be that those words hang over us.  The words that I can't really talk about.  In the mean time, mousy me is going down again.  And when self doubt wants to reel its ugly head, I've got plenty of friends to bring me up.  3 friends talked to me last night.  Then, this morning I had a phone conversation. And then another text conversation with a friend that is a lot like Jeremy.  And they helped me see, ya twerp.  We're here.  We give a shit.  You're special because we give a shit.  We give a shit because you're special.  Some of us don't have pretty words and fancy way to tell you that you fucking rock.  So shut the hell up and know we care.  Give the man a break.  If you weren't special he wouldn't support you financially.  He just wouldn't have done anything.  And when Jeremy does fail with words (and oh how he does sometimes) he wouldn't leave my side while I stayed with the kids.  So what's that old saying.  Actions speak louder the words.  Stepping back....Jeremy is one clumsy guy.  I am one emotional wreck.  When I feel mousy and self doubting, it's ugly.  All my hard work seemed to have gone down the drain within that time.  Stepping's one fucking fight, Jess.  Don't be so over dramatic.  Jeremy worries he coddles me.  And maybe he does.  I don't have any answers.  I feel mousy still.  I'm dependent to certain words in my mind right now.  I'm fighting myself to not be so dependent on that list.  In any given time, that list means nothing.  It was a list that was made at that given time.  Who knows what that list would look like now?For the Love of a Princess is on by Myleene Klass.  Today will be about getting my strength back.  I'm exhausted, physically and emotionally.  I feel mousy.  I'm struggling to find that beautiful confidence I've had all these months.  I can't stop crying.  I had a scary thought about not being around which freaked me out.  I never think like that but somewhere somehow...I had reverted back to a place I had never hoped to be.  I blame it on sleep deprivation.  Because honestly,even in this tired state I wouldn't dream of that.  But I can see how people go into this hole of negative and despair.  Depression is ugly.  Am I depressed? I can't really tell. I'm usually happy.  Until closer to the end of the month when my phantom cycle decides to show up.  It doesn't always go as melodramatic is this.  But if it's going to's going to be at the end of the month (lol sighs nervous laugh) Shit.  Nervous laugh.   I have a loving husband. I have supportive friends.  I have a roof over my head.  I have two amazing heart kids.  I'm beautiful.  Not in the model way.  In the my smile makes you feel like you're at home.  My eyes flit in happiness and you suddenly are happy.  I'm physically attractive. even with my full figured size.  I'm funny.  I'm warm.  I sparkle with a unique essence of me.  I make you feel special because you are, whomever that is. Relationships are hard.  Emotions. Communication. Comprimise.  Jeremy couldn't stop kissing me this morning.  And he couldn't stop kissing me after lunch.  Sometimes words fail.  I guess I just need confirmation when I'm feeling this way.  And it doesn't work that way.  And that's okay.  Because that crazy man loves me.  And I'm worthy of his love.  I am a strong warrior.  I am a queen.  I am stronger than I give myself credit for.  I am...more than I give myself credit for.  Someone once pushed so hard for me to see this.  Thank you.   I'm sorry it took me so long to see it.  Now, others push hard for me to see that I have value and am worth the effort.  My legacy is that I have pierced people's hearts and affected them.  They are never the same.  So...Breathe in.....Breathe out.  It's a new day.  It's an opportunity to remember how special I am.  It's a new day to remind myself that I am amazing.  I admit.  Right now.  I don't believe it.  But I remember support.  I remember beautiful words.  I remember to "kick" myself.  I remember to stop being such a stupid little emotional wreck of a girl.  Put my big girl panties.  And take on the day.  Thank you for letting me unleash this horrid blog emotional vomiting.
 And you must work each day for it
Life isn't always Zen

Not even you, Javier. 

Not adulting well

This just makes me laugh

And I do have that pwoer

I don't sometimes

That's you, Queen Sparkles.  Take notes

Writing always makes me feel better.  I feel vulnerable writing all this shit for you to read.  Sometimes I used to wonder much a rape affects a person's psyche.  Most days I can feel more in control.  And then, days like yesterday happen. And it makes me wonder, I guess.   Good thing I'm surrounded by people that love me and accept me for the crazy unicorn fairy woman I am.  It's not odd because it's Jess. Try not to judge the insanity I have bestowed.  But if you must, judge away.  I'm not changing who I am.  I love the beautiful mess I am...Even in mousy form.

Tuesday, April 26, 2016


Human happens.  I can't share. Feeling mousy

Grand scheme of things

In the grand scheme of things, my frustration was on the silly side.  But I do give myself allowance to not want to adult.  And the very thought of recognizing it is an important part of adulating.  So, I didn't adult well.  But I adulted decently.  It seemed like my anger wanted seep in.  But I didn't yell at the customer service when she informed me that the delivery wasn't coming.  Strangely, in the middle of a conversation with one of my best friends, I got a phone call.  I was so happy someone was wrong on their communication! I watched them take the old one.  And I did get a little misty eyed? No. But something of attachment.  Yes. I get attached to inanimate objects as well.  It's why it is hard to throw away things that people in the past give me.  I have work arounds.  In any case, there I was watching the old washer and dryer go.  It was 14 years old.  It's been with me since I moved into my own place.  This Friday is also Ashley's choir trip.  Jeremy and I are both chaperones this time instead of just me.  That's going to be exciting.  I feel more calm today.  I went back to working out.  I had missed that.  I do have to adjust to the parking situation.  It makes me nervous right now.  The garage door went up twice.  That was reassuring.  And Jeremy didn't want to switch.  In the long run, his side isn't any better.  I do know my side.  Just have to figure out spacial structure.  And I can do it. I'm just nervous because these things were a pretty penny.  I had forgotten how expensive washers and dryers could be.  It had been a while since I had to pay attention.  And yesterday was quite a Monday for others.  I had a handful of friends relay their "shitty" day to me.  In fact, it may be why I felt overwhelmed.  Too much anxiety. Today is recharge.  I'm going to try to decompress and block out the world for a bit.  I might start the 3rd book of Harry Potter.  or my new book from Steve Berry, the 14th colony.  We shall see.  And something I talked about with Jeremy.  We might butt head moments.  We might even bicker a bit.  But I'm not a big fighter now.  I'll express my discontent.  For example, I told him he hurt my feelings on something because I thought he was casting me aside.  He was distracted with a text from a friend, bills, and trying to head to bed.  And we are doing schedules this week different because he's working late Thursday.  But, after a good night's rest I told him, I was guilty of that in the past.    And so in the grand scheme of things, I was really okay.  If he turned into a pattern, then I would get upset.  And he understood my feelings.  He agreed I had every reason to feel the way I did and was sorry.  So....that old saying...Don't sweat the small stuff is true.  When you're anxious, you feel more vulnerable to negativity.  At least, that's my take on it.  It also helped to have wonderful best friends that let you use their washer and dryer in case the delivery hadn't come yesterday.  Jeremy ended up working late and just came home straight.  So he didn't get his pants.  I'm glad I did think of back up. Waiting for you by Jim Brickman is on.  In some way or another, we all experience pressure of some sort.  It's okay to not react well all the time.  We're not always going to adult well.  But two things that might be helpful to remember. 1) It's okay to not be okay all the time 2) Don't make it a pattern.  Now you're holding accountability to it and also infringing your reactions on others.  That's not fair to them. 3) Thank goodness for friends that help you through your "not adulting well" days.  Oh.  I don't know if I mentioned this but it was a happiness glitter bag feeling.  P2 monitored me so I could have a bath.  Jeremy wasn't up yet.  And they were happy to do.  And so Sunday, I got to have a bath.  I don't actually need it all the time.  But I do like making a routine of things.  And that is part of my routine.  I do like routine, after all. lol So today, that thing that's bothering you.  Breathe in. Breathe out.  And let it go.  You know you're silently singing that song now.

Monday, April 25, 2016

Just go

Day...just go

I am not having any anxiety but this getting washer dryer. Then getting washer. Then not getting washer had me ughs today.   Then hail and running to go get my care and put it into the garage. Jeremy having to work late.  Then, getting a call from the delivery people. Then, adjusting to parking with new washer and dryer set.  First world problems.  But every once in a while....I admit. I suck at being an adult.  I was frustrated today.  If it could make me frustrated, it was happening today.  So now, I breathe in.  And breathe out.  I am just nervous about the parking situation.  I'm nervous about the new system of washing.  I'm nervous of our space.  Who gets nervous about this shit???!!! Me.  That's who.  Laugh it up.  I am.  I know I sound silly.  But this little squirrel has strange nervous things.  And when they are new...I don't always handle them well.  It's why I appreciate people who lovingly just deal with neurotic Jess.  Bless their hearts.  And top it all off, PCOS is acting up.  Hormones are out of wack right now which isn't helping.  Ah.  I put the fans on.  I got a new fan since the other one busted.  It was just the month of busting.  Home chaos wanted its own spotlight so it decided to be in March.  So...le sigh.  Monday. just go.  Jeremy had a stressful day too.  I think he wants this day to go too.

More than that

We had the kids this weekend.  It was such a good feeling to have them over again.  Today was an Epic weekend in some ways.  So....we played monopoly.  Before, a game like that would've intimidated me.  But this time around, I took in the game with new eyes.  There was a new perspective. And this perspective said I could hold my own.  And hold my own, I did.  P2 was out first.  But then, Jeremy was out.  At the beginning, it looked like P1 was out for the count.  But they put hotels up.  And I seemed like a goner.  It was us 2 left.  His hunger won out.  So by default, I won.  But hey, I'll take it.  The more important part was beating Jeremy.  That's a feat in and of itself! I love that P1 wants to play games.  I am looking into getting Marbles game.  It's a board game I've played with friends.  Also, Phase 10 twist is fun.  Red flags is fun too.  We played that with "L" and "DA".  It was also a little Epic with things breaking down.  Except for home chaos which was March, we had my car break down, my clicker break, the washer dryer set break down, and Jeremy's clicker breaks.  But in each situation, Jeremy's "charmed" life still manage a pretty good transition.  Getting delivery on a new washer and dryer today.  I had a light saber war with P1.  That was awesome.  Then, the next day was Grandma time.  We played Sorry.  P1 won.  And then, Grandma won.  It just seemed an epic weekend to me.  Last night, Jeremy and I almost got into a fight.  But before it escalated, we clarified our communication.  It also made me think how hard marriage can be.  Even Jeremy's and mine.  We think alike on many things.  But Jeremy and I are different people.  And every day we make decisions that affect us as a couple.  He has to consider me.  And I have to consider him.  And that's important.  It's interesting that I have one friend that is just in the beginning stages of a relationship. While another one is on their way to divorce.  You see where the journey is.  You witness the struggle.  And it is a reminder to anyone that every couple struggles.  If they deny it, they're lying.  There are levels of struggle.  Jeremy and I don't struggle nearly as much as other couples I have been around.  But I also learned not to "judge" what that means.  It's none of my business.  I can interject concerns, especially if friends ask.  After that....not my business.  It's more than that.  It's looking into my own relationship and focusing on that.  The danger of being a friend therapist is that sometimes I might get into a rut that I "know better".  I won't mean to.  That's the time to step away from the situation and support.  And if it's too difficult to support, then remove yourself.  And that way, it's not a reflection on them.  It's about me.  It's about learning from other relationships and applying or reflecting what to do or not to do by witnessing it.  Monopoly was more than that this weekend.  It was a chance to apply my confidence.  I had a different strategy.  I have a system to things.  I like my system.  And while I have to learn to stray from my system happens...I appreciate when people understand this system of mine and support it.  It's a matter of balance. So for now, I just wait for the delivery people.  Here are some fun pictures. Here are some that seem like a story going on. Here are some smiles.   Here are some reflections. Here are some things that are interesting.  Here lol
 Yah, Whiskey! Wow. I'm a whiskey woman now.  That's crazy.  Still love my Moscato...but I love Whiskey too.
 Le sigh.  I can't tell if I'm looking forward to that...or I'd rather always miss them.  Food for thought
 So horrible. So hilarious.
 I love hugs.
 Look at that beautiful smile!
 Staring contest with Pokey poo
 I won! Only second time.  Granted, I won my default.  But I beat Jeremy.  So hey.
 Oh, Jeremy. You were so unexpected.  And then ** lol Le sigh
I've been lucky enough to have 5 unexpecteds
 Bye washer/dryer
 I kid you not.  I put on my superman shirt.  And then he put on his Batman.
 He was playing with my strings. Literally. He was playing my guitar.  It wasn't love at first sight.  I thought he was cute but I thought he was a jerk.  A year into our friendship...boom.  But I kept that to myself.

Bathed in the blood of his enemies as P2 put it.  lol

This was my weekend.
Also, I told Jeremy this weekend I wanted him to be loved and adored as much as he deserves.  And also that I finally believe how much he loves and adores me.  He smiled.  I'm finally getting it.  I deserve this kind of love.  I deserve this kind of man.  I deserve....

Friday, April 22, 2016

What to make of it

A theme has been in the air in some of my conversations, as of late.  Regrets.  What to make of it.  On a small scale.  I have regrets.  But they are minor.  That I almost don't like to call them regrets.  The general consensus is that these experiences are a part of who you are.  Sometimes I have played my life as though it was a movie.  It's why sometimes I can really see how my life used to be more Lifetime Channel.  And even the painful parts of my life are what shaped me. The biggest one of all is the rape.  But in a twist of fates, Javier, the who introduced us.  How bizarre is that?! When I tell the story on surface, it's ex boyfriend.  But still.  I don't regret the experiences.  I became a strong warrior from that.  I don't hold the pain around like some weight I am carrying.  But I am still a strong warrior.  Granted, I have to take that time to recharge myself.  But I look at that time as a good way to get my reserves back.  Unchained Melody by Esteban is on.  Jeremy explained he doesn't regret his own past.  I've had a handful of friends have that same mindset.  The pain is what helps us understand our journey.  In my opinion, I think of it as a way to find out who reacts a certain way or not. No one likes pain.  Certainly not me.  But I do think it's necessary.  Sometimes it's a shift that needs to be made in order for action to be taken.  And sometimes....action needs to be taken.  However, on the flip side.  This is what I think.  Not everyone has the threshold or capability to take action.  It's easier said than done.  It's Little One's birthday today.  I miss him. I can't wait for him to visit again.  I don't have brothers. But if I had.  He'd be Little One.  Exactly like he is.  Minor tangent.  Life is good.  I do have to replace my fan.  It busted early this morning.  Ughs.  PCOS sucks.  The fan isn't a luxury.  It's a necessity. Well...I'm off., think of regrets.  or lack of.  Your hardships are not something pleasant.  But they are necessary for the journey you need to take.  Let the story unfold.  See where it takes you.  Have a beautiful weekend, Beautiful Spaces.  I love you.  I don't know who you are.  I don't have to.  I still love you.

Thursday, April 21, 2016



I am too happy to contain myself.  I have thought about this more and more.  That I am too happy to contain myself.  I actually used to be conscious of my smile because my teeth are crooked.  When I was younger, my Epilepsy medicine impacted my cognitive development. But it also did a number on my teeth.  I ended up needing braces.  I was 13 when all that happened.  I'm 39.  You can imagine how that much time of being self conscious about a smile can be.  But when the right person tells you about your opens up a flood of paying attention when the world tells you have a beautiful smile.  It's been called genuine.  It's been called warm.  My favorite is the telling world "Fuck you".  I revised that.  Each time I smile, I say that about negativity.  I say that about pain.  I smile for you, when you can't.  Jeremy and I have noticed a shift? A transformation from both of us.  We transformed the last few months.  Into something amazing. I'm falling in love with him all over again.   I feel like I am getting to know my husband all over again.  I like him! I know that sounds weird but you can love a person but not like them.  Sometimes too much pain and bitterness can be between friends, lovers, spouses, and family.  It makes me sad but it happens.  I leave the door open for many people and I to reconnect.  But there are a select few that it is very unlikely we will reconcile.  Sometimes it's on my part.  Sometimes it's on theirs.  And sometimes it's both.  And I accept that now.  Life happens and unfolds a certain way.  Where Jeremy's and my story unfolds presently wouldn't exist if we weren't affected by our journeys.  I am so grateful Jeremy lets me walk alone sometimes.  And he is too.  Hearing Jeremy show appreciation is beautiful. Next to physical touch, my second love language is words of affirmation.  With the help of a friend it helped me to see the correlation of the rape, physical touch, the betrayal, and how Javier set the tone for how I reacted to things like that.  There will never be any logic to what he did to me.  But understanding the underlying issues behind it helps me heal.  I am so fascinated by psychology.  Ysun pointed out I should have gotten my therapist license.  Some people think I would have been great at therapy.  Others think I would have been awesome at massage therapy.  Sometimes they say I rock at both.  For whatever reason, my story doesn't include working a typical job.  Jeremy acknowledge that I do conduct my housewifery in a job sense.  Yesterday, all the chores needing to be done to make the house back to was exhausting! But there are perks.  I can go to the bathroom whenever I want.  I know that sounds weird but most of my jobs would harass me about my bathroom breaks.  Hello.. I have Epilepsy.  Hazard of the condition.  I get to listen to music while I work.  I love listening to music while I work.  I go at my own pace.  If I need to take a break, I take a break.  I don't worry when to take my lunch break.  I like eating at 11-12.  I get to be therapist friend.  Last couple of weeks it's fallen to once a day.  Or if I do help two friends it is spaced out a lot more.  That way, I can recharge back up.  Sometimes it's only 10 minutes.  Sometimes it's 5 hours.  Prayer from Hayley Westenra is on.  Yah Celtic Rain Radio. I am so happy.  I can't even tell you how happy I am.  I can't keep my smile to myself lol (Hands to myself vibe, right?) And suddenly, I'm thinking of Jeremy saying...I mean I could...but why would I want to. lol We totally have a crush on Selena Gomez.'s my smile for you today.  If you are having a rough day, think of me smiling for you.  Each and every one of you.  My smile is a beautiful weapon.  Kecharitomene by Loreena Mckennitt is on.  I love her music.  Squirrel.  Sorry.  I got lost in thoughts for a minute.  DF, much, Jess? lol Dang it....I am easily distracted.  Smile. I can't contain my smile.  Because finally, I see my value.  I falter.  I have self doubt moments.  But I have a stubborn Team Queen Sparkles that refuses to let me discredit myself for even one minute.  That melts my heart.

Wednesday, April 20, 2016


That seemed like the theme yesterday.  Jeremy had to go to work late so I got to spend the morning and early afternoon with him.  That was a beautiful surprise.  That man never ceases to amaze me. Yesterday was a breakaway from our routine.  But I liked it.  And I have to recognize that life happens.  There will be zig zags and things that make one break away from routine.  I just happen to like routine.  It gives me peace of mind.  Garden Lullaby by Gary Stadler is on.  I had lunch with him too.  I had a Caprese sandwich.  It's vegetarian but it was so yummy!!! This home chaos threw me off on my regular diet routine too.  I was drinking too much coke for my own good.  Back to water.  I got peace of mind from having my sanctuary back.  Sanctuary may look different.  But the end result is the same.  Where you feel safe. Whether it's a person, or a place.  Or both.  I had slowed down on helping people because I didn't have my sanctuary.  It was affecting my psyche.  But I recognized that, and adjusted accordingly.  Then, out of the blue, Ysun reached out and needed to talk.  They were stressed about work and about a moving.  They knew the one person that could help them talk through the stress was me.  They were right.  Now, here's something to know about Ysun.  We go way back.  We have butted heads in the past.  When I had a confrontational side to me in the past, Ysun and I couldn't see eye to eye for a lot of things.  But as we video chatted yesterday, it registered....this almost seemed like a Unicorn sighting.  I never, in my wildest dreams thought I would be talking with Ysun.  Let alone talk face to face, so to speak.  We drank Moscato together.  We even shed a tear or two together over thinking about a friend that had passed. And they told me they felt a non judgmental zone.  They felt safe with me.  I was a sanctuary.  Jeremy went into work in the afternoon.  So I decided to reach out to SADF and see if we could have dinner.  They were available.  I never like doing things last minute.  But I decided to ask anyways. They needed a few hours to figure their scheduling for other things and projects.  But after a couple of hours, I had a dinner date! I made dinner.  I loved the presentation of it all.  I was cooking in my new kitchen.  Originally, SADF was coming by to pick up some books I found that suited them more than me.  But I thought...dinner too! We had a beautiful evening talking about the day.  And things....some philosophical things... some sentimental.  Some about relationships.  Some about our inner journey.  Some about lessons we have learned.  I also shared my happiness of Ysun and I talking earlier that day.  And we also talked about being happy or sad for someone else.  One may not always agree on how someone conducts their journey to happiness.  But the best way to support is to be there for someone.  Interject concerns.  But after have to walk side by side with support...and let someone have their journey.  That is a difficult thing to do for me.  But at least I recognize that.  And then just be a sanctuary.  Having my home back means I can be a sanctuary for people.  And that makes me happy.  I can get back to writing my story.  I can start Book 3 of Harry Potter.  I can figure out more recipes.  I can color.  Jeremy and I decided on Starry Night for the piece so I'll be getting that soon.  So...I hope I provide that sanctuary for you....with my words.  I hope I provide some comfort.  My quiet help me...just as much as I might help you.  I have a safe place to share my thoughts.  I used to fear the vulnerability with not knowing whom read my blog.  Now, I find it a beautiful thing., it might be interesting to think where your sanctuary is.  In the meant time, enjoy the pics and the word porn.

Tuesday, April 19, 2016

Happiness in adjustment

There is a certain happiness in adjustment.  It gives you time to reorganize things. Sometimes, even your thoughts.  This house reorganization has provided that happiness.  The Living Room is almost finished.  Our Last name initial that used to hang right in the middle of the living room has broken.  But here's something rather funny.  I had two conversations about the initial.  One knew the back story.  One didn't.  And somehow, the conclusion was the same.  The basic take away.  It was time for change.  So now...just figuring out what to put up.  I considered another Parisian piece.  This time around, Jeremy was helping with part of that process.  That made me really happy.  Out of everything, that was the part that made me happy.  He is putting feedback into this piece as well.  I talked to him yesterday and sent him some pictures.  He considered them and brought up a good point.  Perhaps too much of the Parisian or at least too much of the Eiffel Tower in the Living Room.  Starry Night is a consideration.  But right now, as I see it, it doesn't quite fit on the wall.  I have my diplomas and some frames up.  I might have to consider moving them.  We'll see.  I saw a Water Lillies print as well but I felt that was too much of me.  If that makes sense.  I love that print.  But the room is ours.  So we decide together. It was quite a busy day.  I had my own errands early that afternoon when a friend to go shopping.  I'm happy when I can give my take fashion wise.  Ultimately, it is the other person that will have to live with their choice.  But it's nice to get feedback.  That kind of take can go for just about anything.  And lastly, we had "D" over.  I am happy to get back into the kitchen.  Today, hopefully, they are putting in the vinyl.  It's exciting to be almost done with the improvements.  The place does certainly have a different feel to it.  After today's improvements, the kitchen is my next project.  It's like a late version of spring cleaning.  The Enchanted Garden by Kevin Kern is on.  Jeremy is going in late for work.  That was a nice surprise.  He still never ceases to amaze me.  Adjustment is difficult sometimes.  I am not, like many people, a big fan of change.  But once there, there is a certain happiness in adjustment.  It's like you begin again.  Only now, you have experiences and background to go with it.  Just some thoughts for today.  We are constantly creating a new normal for ourselves.  There are chapters are still trying to unfold.  Stories that need to made.  Happiness is adjustment.  It could be a new mantra.  There is happiness in adjustment.

Monday, April 18, 2016

I looked at the pictures I picked out to sort of give an idea what was in my head.  It was a beautiful weekend.  Jeremy is on call so he had to work late.  That was a perfect time to go out with CC.  She asked me if we had something going.  I told her...we do now! The kids wanted to see me as well.  Although, one got sick so I ended up only hanging out with one.  But it was still nice.  Each time her and I talk, we heal from things.  We learn from things.  I suppose if you were looking in on our conversation it would seem we are just hashing the past.  But for us, we are looking at patterns.  We are looking at psychology.  And some aspects of our stories might not be answered because there is no logic to people's behavior....we still like to understand.  Or try to.  And we heal together.  It's almost like two war veterans.  We might have fought a different war.  But still, we understand the struggle from that war.  We went to Sonic so I got a chance to get Jeremy something.  I can't help it.  I like thinking of him.  I like it when we think of each other.  It's...thoughtful.  And I never want to stop that.  Saturday was spent with "D".  I must been off in thoughts because she wanted to make sure I was okay. Most specifically with her.  I had to ask Jeremy if I seemed off in my thoughts are looked like something was the matter.  He said yes.  I assured her I wasn't.  But I can understand how someone might see my face and wonder.  I do go off in my thoughts but they aren't bad ones.  They're actually good ones.  They're just....far away thoughts.  They don't last but a few seconds.  Daydreaming.  I've been doing this as a child.  It's probably why people hadn't noticed the seizures. I also got into a silly mood and put on what I call my "Little Hufflepuff outfit".  I already have a yellow blouse.  I wore it with one of my black jackets. And a blacks skirt.  And finished it off with my new Hufflepuff stockings.  I also joined the Hufflepuff common room.  Look at me. All Fangirling.  I have to experience it myself.  I experience life with my fandoms.  It's hard to explain.  My inner nerd experiences the fandoms.  Star Trek. Star Wars.  Superman.  Dr. Who, and now, Harry Potter.  All these, well...they affect me, in some personal way.   I had wanted to reorganize at some point.  So I was happy I had a few hours before babysitting a friend's kid.  And it brought me peace of mind.  I changed things around.  I didn't want the four plaques to go up.  But I really didn't want to go buy something either.  If it came to that, I would.  However, I just rearranged what I had.  A make due with what I had sort of vibe.  Jeremy helped with scaling down what came back into the Living Room.  Our K broke so...right now, at least, is a frame with the Art of Marriage.  I am still searching for a plaque that one of my friends gave me about shoes.  Stuff has been put all over the place, I really didn't know where things were.  Our dining room light she be put back so we'll have light in there.  But there are two lamps in the Living Room that brighten the room beautifully.  Jeremy got called into work. Yah, on call.  So I ended up babysitting by myself.  Which is fine.  It's just that they love time with Aunt Jess AND Uncle Jeremy. So...we're getting some semblance of normalcy back.  It feels good.  I get lost in my thoughts.  I usually am having a squirrel moment and thinking of something that, at least in my head, associates or somehow made me squirrel.  With all this wonderful.  I did get a call that was a little heartbreaking.  Or maybe now.  Depends on how you look at it.  A friend of mine called and told me they were getting divorce.  Now...if you knew JS, you would know they don't take the idea of divorce lightly.  But after telling me the reasons why and approaching their somehow made sense.  It still made my heart break.  My heart breaks for anyone splitting up.  But I understand the reasoning.  JS and I have been friends for 20 years.  However,we had a falling out.  Thanks to Javier, actually.  But about 11 years ago, when Jeremy and I first started dating, the first person we told was JS.   Because they were friends with us, back in the day.  We were all friends.  We hung out socially.    Losing my friendship with JS was devastating.  We have always been super close.  So being friends again...well...that made me super happy.  Thanks to Jeremy, I mended our friendship and while we were never going to be that close...we still connected.  So as I turned the key, and opened the door...I looked around and smiled.  We're getting our house back.  Our life back.  Our routines back.  Our little nuances.  We  It's part of the human process. Whether bad or experience life.  And it's up to you every day, to chose how you react to life.  I falter sometimes.  But I step back, take a deep breath, and begin again.  So tomorrow should be the last day of repairs.  I'm still weary whether it will be done or not.  But I am hopeful.  And then, I can start reorganizing.  And speaking of organizing.  I had quite an amazing conversation Friday with a friend about organizing.  I was explaining the many journals I have.  I love writing.  But I also need organization with my writing.  As RH put it, you  categorize your thoughts! I like that thought!
 1) My story 2)My poetry book 3) Love Letters to myself/Affirmations 4) Unbucket/Glitterbag/box/chest/experiences 5) Jack of all Journals Back up poetry book, short stories, quotes book, and outlines
 Cooking/recipe inspiration Journal
My Bff SADF got me this

 One of my lost thoughts.  I agree.  But it's really nice when you hear it.  It helps a self doubter have peace of mind.

Friday, April 15, 2016

Addiction of quotes

Hello. My name is Jessica.  And I have an addiction to quotes.  It's beyond a love affair now. 
I'm immersing you in my story with my pictures and quotes. Bwhahwhahaha. Game over, man. Game over!

A love affair with quotes