Legacy

I'm curious on what my legacy would be. The New Year brings reflecting and thinking of legacy.  I hope it would be a positive one. I'd like to think people have been impacted in a good way by knowing me. Makes you think. I guess I have my own "George Bailey" moments.  My support system is a good reminder that I've done well. Something to think about.

Respect

That is something earned. You work for it. You make good impressions. You work up a reputation.  It can be as good as gold. It's invaluable. 

Buttons

Interesting conversation on Facebook got me thinking of annoying phrases and buttons to push.  Something about our human desire to like pushing the envelope or see how far things can go. I guess to gauge things? Makes for quite a colorful discussion. We don't always act on the buttons.  We even moderate our behavior according to these buttons.  But these buttons. ..sometimes even triggers have an interesting way to sneak in. It's a matter of how to react. And how much to let in. It's about knowing that boundaries and buttons and triggers and pushing envelopes helps to learn about one another.

Living for those moments

You live for those moments that melt your heart. That stop you in your tracks. That make you feel fuzzy. Or put a smile on your face....or make you laugh.  Sometimes. ..even make you cry.  I cherish them. They happen daily.  It's about being open and willing to see the big moments in little things. To see how big moments come from little moments that flow continuously.

Family

Won't blog much. Beyond happy.  I have my love and my lovies.  Just hanging out. Such a simple thing. But so significant.  Memories....

My heart is melting

The simplicity of this day. Baking...talking...laughing.  I made Mexican cinnamon tea. I won't forget this day. I will tuck it away.  This day has melted my heart.

How they've grown

I look at both of them and just smile. 7 years I've been a constant in their life. I'm an advisor.  It feels amazing.  I feel needed. Step parenting is not an easy role. And sometimes people might not see you as a "true" parent. That doesn't matter.  What matters is them. That I've watched them evolve into these independent, creative,  and intelligent individuals. ...and I had a hand in that. My influence is subtle and purposeful. And it will get more beautiful to watch.

Friendship from love

I love being married to my best friend. Whatever we do...however we are hanging out we make boring things fun. I'm so lucky to be married to him. He's beyond lucky! lol Love is awesome.

Boosting my confidence

I got a 97 on my test!  I'm proud of myself.    I haven't always test well in life. So it's a big deal how well I'm retaining the information.  The school shot a commercial.  Unless they seriously edit...I will be in it! Something different in a day. I also got some feedback from John, my instructor that boosted my confidence.  And I put my partner to sleep.  I always take that as a good thing.

So busy I missed

With Leticia and study group.  Then on my own studying I completely forgot.  Oh well. It happens.

Good day again

I put my partner to sleep. That felt good. I really feel happy doing this. It's therapeutic.  Every class is closer. 
Every class gets me closer to my dreams. 

My life

It has drastically changed.  I love being busy. I feel purpose.  I feel happy.  I have school.  Which takes up a lot of my schedule.  Then there is Zumba,Yoga, and swimming. Then , Leticia.  And somewhere I see a friend or two. Oooh and my shows. Busy Busy. I love it.

I almost forgot to blog.

Been a busy day. Dr's appointment,  library,  bank, and putting gas. Then some shopping.  Dinner...which was yummy.  I baked for the first time. That was an adventure.  Then yoga. Finally,  some studying.  I'm tired.

A good day.

After the day on Tuesday I was a little nervous about Today. My friend ( and classmate) Kaitlyn put me at ease. I did great according to her. I have to work on my transition.  It's like I overthink it. Susan says...which I like " When in doubt,  rake it out". Love it. I gave same amount of pressure.  She made me twitch.  She's a natural. So good day...it was... ( my yoda moment) Now....for Zumba!

My version of moving art

It's fun and interesting to see how couples communicate with each. Each couple that's in my near near circle communicates differently. This could be upbringing,  personal experiences, or any different type of variables.  But I love the language they speak. Their own language.  It's neither wrong or right because I'm not fluent. I'm not any part of the language.  And is what I love...observing. ...observing the different ways to say...I love you...I'm thinking of you....you mean so much to me...you're important in my life. And if you think about. ..sometimes this dance can translate and give similar but different moves for friendship. It's like friendship cues. I love watching life unfold. I love watching moving art....life that unfolds and creates experiences. Moving art....that ruly moves you.

Positive feedback

It helps you gauge a situation.  It helps you identify or clarify things without drama. Positive feedback or even conatructive criticism helps you improve.  If the person telling you has good intentions. ...and if you're open to improving. .the experience can be helpful and even gratifying.  The feedback is genuine.  The feedback is meant for sincere intention.  You can still tell a person about their flaws but you also give suggestion on making it better.  You contribute to the solution.  And always remember. ...feedback is an opinion. In the end you decide going forward how to proceed.  Just my take.

Keep on Keeping on

I was having a blank on inspiration.  And that's what my classmate came up with. You have trials.  You have difficulties.  You give yourself time to deal w it. That's healthy.  And then you pick yourself up. You keep on keeping on. That's how people separate themselves. My take. Noone is devoid of this situation.  People just don't usually talk about.  They keep on keeping on.

Happiness

It's beautiful conversations w friends.  It's feeling accomplished. It's catching up with friends.  It's making a difference.  It's making memories.  It's being in love w your best friend. .. and you're married to him! Happiness is living the dream.

Test day and Ashley's birthday

I got a 98! So happy.  Also...Ashley turns 12! Sighs. They grow up so fast.  It's been quite a day. I was nervous about the test but I realized I knew my stuff. In fact, the one thing I missed was a duh moment. It happens!

Adventures of Jess

Some days I don't have sn inspiration or any one thought that pops out to be written about.  It was nice to sleep in a few hours. Course...power napping is awesome. ...in class. When you're on the receiving end of a massage that power nap does wonders. The day is calling.  Time for some yoga.

Nice groove

Now that I'm more established in my routine I feel a certain groove.  Tuesday and Thursday are my busiest days.I've learned so much in the past couple of days. I take notes like crazy. I'm still the note queen. There calls for some more studting tonight.  The review helped to know what will be on the test.  Anyways,  it's been great. Zumba is soon. Something different. The intersection where I turn left...there was an accident.  I hope everyone is ok.

Negative energy

This weekend had snippets of it. Normally,  I can brush it off. This weekend. .not so much.  First...a friend had a foot in mouth moment.  Those are fun. Misunderstanding but got me somewhat perturbed.  Then dealing w the defensive driving. Then a friend of a friend went off on FB. That was the least of the negative but since I was among the people she was complaining about it was still a negative feeling.  Fortunately,  she unfriended me. I didn't sleep well. Just a grumble grumble so to speak.  So here's me leaving that behind to focus. School is important to me. Noone ever said going after your dreams was easy. Let's do this!

Reflecting on the past

I don't like traveling too much on the past. However,  I do think it's important to reflect on it. It reminds you of the journey you have been on. That's my take. My life has changed so much in the last 5 years. My perception on things has changed.  My outlook on things. Certainly,  my taste in friends.  My support system is important to me.  I love them. I look back and I cannot always say that of my friends. Which is why I no longer have them as friends.  But I learned over the years who was there for me.  Life is good. I have exciting things ahead of me. I can't wait for 2014!

Blessings

I'm blessed. I know this. I don't take it lightly.  I'm constantly grateful.  I don't want to become complacent about my life, my relationship,  and the blessings.  Thanksgiving was good. Food was good. Company was entertaining.  It was fun getting the little prizes. Jeremy wad sweet and picked the prize I wanted.  I have such an amazing husband!

Sanctuary

I had this feeling when I lived in my first apartment. I didn't quite feel this at Amesbury. Then again,  it was more of a hub. But our home is my sanctuary.  I don't know if it's good energy, karma,  or fueng shui but something about coming home makes me happy.  I go over the day in my head. I put on relaxing music. And I enjoy the space I'm in if that makes sense. I'm more aware of being present...no matter what that entails. So..here I am...listening to music and doing housework. ..I'm so wifey now lol I'm coming into my own.

Motivation

I am glad  it's somewhere because I'm still intending to go to zumba class. I'm really wanting to keep my routine of class, zumba, and yoga. I think it will really help w stretching and massage posture.  I like our instructor.  He's laid back. He has that serious side when it comes to teaching us. Then, randomly he'll add a silly moment or make us laugh. For me, it reminds me to relax.  I'm starting to telax more. We have our first test next Thursday.  No pressure there lol. Hopefully,  we can get some study group time.  I'm so happy.  I feel like my life is going forward.  My personal life has been great. My professional fulfillment was missing. I don't feel that anymore. I'm exactly where I'm supposed to be.

Confidence

As we continue class the confidence will come.  Each time we have class I learn something.  We got a new instructor.  I really like his method.  It's also nice learning more about my classmates.  We have such a small class. I like that.

Oops

So I'm doing the writing next day blog entry. Other than it was cold yesterday I don't have much to write.  It happens.

Class is amazing.

We are learning techniques.  Class is going well. I got a massage. Elliot did great. I took the initiative to ask for him so I could get used to working on guys. I'm really enjoying school

OCD For the win!

I'm obsessed w draping. I'll be thinking of something and my mind wanders to draping.  I struggled a little.  But I think I'm being hard on myself.  I have most of the mechanics.  I just need to practice and build my confidence.  I'm excited. ..and anxious. ..and all sorts of things at once. I have a purpose.  I have a goal. I'm exactly where I'm supposed to be.

Overwhelming

Ok. Confession. I felt overwhelmed today. I just wasn't picking up draping. Once I have practice and get my confidence up the mechanics should feel more natural. I just need to cut myself slack. Practice will get it into my head.  Zumba was so helpful.  I felt frazzled.  Then some crazy driver was driving backwards in my lane..and well..frazzled. .in general.  And  I got all that pent up anxiety out!:Yah me!

First day...and a bonus!

Orientation is exciting!  I feel goofy for my excitement but I really don't care. The curriculum sounds challenging but amazing.  I saw Victor ! That was unexpected!  I've missed him. He's a director now!  This is so exciting!

The plant that was

So I finally got this elusive fake plant.  It 's a scraggly no nonsense little thing. I love it.  I will have comments from the peanut gallery. I don't care.  I helped a friend today.  It felt good to be able to help.  That feeling of being needed is essential for me.  I thrive on feelings like that.  I also got to hang out with another friend.  And then I go swimming later on.  So this plant...this plant has been a subject of much debate.  I didn't quite like the previous holders of the plant place.  So now...I am happy. Which sounds odd for those who don't know the back story of the plant that was.  I have a rebellious side.  I have been on a more zen path.  But I still have the streak of *meow* when you push my limits.  And my limits have been pushed so to speak.  I rid myself of the problem.  This is a kind of rebellion.  Certain types of people feel the need to control other's life, choices, wants, etc.  Even if it is the wrong choice...it's THEIR choice.  So the plant that was...It's my choice.  Bwahahhaahhaha.

Sleep

If you get the right amount....oh how glorious the next day feels. I've been trying to get around 7 or 8. Preferably,  8. I used a sound machine to get me tp sleep.  I never realized I relied on it to get to sleep.  Apparently,  I need some noise at night to sleep.  It's my way of preparing.  I want to be in the best condition. That way I give my best for school. All this preparation makes me proud. I've thought much of this through. Breakfast,  timing of morning routine,  traffic...etc. I'm ready! Let's do this!

Enjoying small things

I changed my visits w Leticia to Wednesday.  We took a walk. It was nice to just walk and talk. We were looking at people's windows and doors and how decorative they were. And I was just enjoying that I can do that. I can be here w Leticia,  taking a walk,  and talking about decorations.  And I was suddenly thinking of other small things. And enjoying them.

Another step to my dream

I took a test run to see how traffic is in the morning.   I haven't really done the morning traffic thing sice Medtronic.  It's funny how that seems a lifetime away. I'm really going after my dream. Dreams are different for people.  I don't expect everyone to understand.  Although,  if you know me well enough. ..somehow the way this journey took place. ...it makes sense. I'm a firm believer of things happening for a reason. I wasn't ready....until now. 

Thank you

Thank you. I am humbled by your service.  I am honored you would protect me.

Forming good habits

I think forming good habits helps us be healthy. Being grateful helps us be healthy.  Positive thinking reprograms our emotions.  In that sense we become healthier.  Forming good habits retrains our brains...retrains our emotions. ..retrains our body...to become happier. My take for today.

Dancing

I love dancing. Which is why Zumba makes me happy.  It's a party.  I don't have much to say...just that dancing is wonderful.

Thank you

I appreciate you reading this blog. Whether you read it only once or you're a regular I can't thank you enough. Sometimes you gotta yell into the void.  You want your thoughts to be voiced. If nothing else, you want to know your thoughts matter.  You do that for me each time you read my blog. Sometimes it's fun that I write.  Other times it has more serious content.  I've tried staying consistent w this blog. I'm really happy I have. So smile...you made me smile simply knowing what I write. ..matters to you...for whatever that reason is.

A challenge

I can't pretend all my anger issues have left. I still called the lady who blocked me from parking and looked straight at me...a b.... I just said it to myself.  That's when the challenge begins. It's how I react and  if I allow that anger or negative energy to remain. Comsidering what I used to behave luke I have made strides. But I still have a long way to go. O think of it as bettering my health by not kerping the toxin in me.

Random thoughts

I'm processing how my life is going to change in a couple of weeks.  I'm excited. I'm scared.  I'm a lot of things.  I had a random Negative Nancy moment.  I don't know where it came from.  Luckily, I have learned to affirm the qualities I have.  Affirmations seemed silly at the beginning when I was in counseling. I mean...after all...they are just words...right? And then I realized it was psychologically changing the way I thought of life, myself, people, and my perspective on things.  After awhile...I believed that I had something to bring to the table.  It's been a struggle to believe that.  People tell you that you have something of value. However, until you actually see it for yourself you think people might be just "blowing smoke" or giving you pity.  Writing down and putting it out into the world does feel good.  Whatever negative energy I was feeling has gone.  I appreciate knowing that somewhere somehow you read this. Whether it is 1 or 100 I feel validated.  And that comes full circle of value.

Preparation

I've been on Operation Preparation.  It's been good. Whether I'm staying up to get my body used to the routine change or very soon implementing a new morning routine I'm getting myself ready. My head is clearer. I want to give myself every advantage for being focused. I'm sleeping better.  I meditate. ..at least my version of it. That's all that matters.  It works for me.Yoga has really been helping.  Zumba is also helpful. Even focusing on a routine is helping.  It's all cominh together.  

Ok...now what?!

Circumstances and conserving since I'm going back to school was a big reason Halloween wasn't a big deal this year. Which is why I loved seeing pictures of my friends celebrating.   They made my day. Halloween is fun. Not much else. Tomorrow is a new month. Time for thinking of Thomas' birthday,  Thanksgiving,  and Ashley's birthday.

The result of being calm

I'm less anxious.  I am more aware of things. My head feels clearer. Things feel less chaotic within me.  It's a different feeling.  I feel more purpose w my day.  I also used to tidget and unable to be still. That stillness allows me to transport myself somewhere else. The sounds give meaning and tranquility.  Tranquility is a good word for this feeling.  And so much more than a feeling....it's my whole being.

Reflecting

I had some time to reflect before my lunch date with a friend.  Since I have more time on my hands I should take the opportunity to use it.  Especially,  since my schedule will change and it won't always be the case. I was thinking of past relationships. Whether they be past friendships or romantic ones. I think I become distracted w the " failure" of one and wonder what part I play in the "failure".  And then it hit me. They may have been tiny succeses for the " bigger picture". I may not have seen that they served their purpose to teach me something about myself.  So today I saw a tiny success in those friendships and relationships.   And I was grateful for the lesson they taught me. Finding yourself is essential. ...at any age.

Being at peace with myself

It hasn't come overnight.  However, I feel at peace with myself.  I feel at peace with my decisions.  I have regrets but I don't dwell on them.  They simply come off as oh wells.  I feel good about my consistency.  I have been consistent about going to Zumba.  I have been consistent with doing Yoga.  I have even been consistent with blogging.  There is something about being at peace with myself on being consistent.  I am calmer inside.  I always felt a sense of chaos in my mind.  I had too many thoughts running rampant and didn't quite have the direction to make sense.  In other words...I had too many tangents.  That gets exhausting after a while.  Part of that is discipline from myself.  I needed direction.  I had my personal life in check.  My relationship with Jeremy is healthy.  Granted...we have our moments. lol But for the most part I feel good about us.  Our friendship is strong.  And we communicate with each other.  I also don't center my happiness all on our relationship like I used to.  I have other outlets.  I have interests custom to me.  My professional life was a mess.  I was still trying to figure what I was going to do when I grew up.  It seems silly but that is where I was.  I enjoyed being a houswife.  But it's not me.  I needed to regroup.  So I did need to stop working to get myself taken care of.  My health was not where it was supposed to be.  These days I feel better about my health.  I haven't had a migraine in over a month.  I am less anxious.  I am not so quick to get angry.  I am becoming less frustrated with things.  I have a few moments where I feel the fluster want to emerge.  And then I talk myself out of it.  I am really enjoying discovering Yoga music and meditation music.  I really am enjoying Zumba and Yoga.  I feel it's like "me time".  I do something for my health AND well being.  Well being IS wellness.  It's my mantra now.  Taking that "me time" is important to regroup.  I understand it's not easy.  I don't remember ever doing this when I was working.  However, not that I have had time to regroup I want to make time for it and a routine.  Very soon my schedule is going to change.  I will have a different routine.  I want to be physically AND mentally prepared for it.  That peace....is a beautiful thing.

The chaos and quiet in your mind

Sometimes so many thoughts are running through the mind. Schedules, obligations, and people occupy our thoughts.  At least for me...this has happened.  Because I've had the opportunity I took advantage of clearing my mind. If I'm going to help others achieve this I need to understand how to myself.  Quieting my mind has been helpful.  My thoughts tend to race all over the place.  And in that process I create anxiety.  I don't mean to. So...here I am...trying to slow down the pace of my thoughts. It's therapeutic.

To woo

Jeremy putting an effort. ..Jeremy still finding ways to make me happy...Jeremy still wooing me...is the best feeling ever. I still get those butterflies in my stomach.  I get like a giddy school girl.  He smiles at me and I melt. Tonighr reconfirmed that continious fweling of connection we have. I appreciate that both of us work on our communication,  our passion,  and our relationship.  We have our moments. But I wouldn't have it any other way. This cazy ride called life...I only trust one person next to me riding.....My best friend,  my partner -in-crime, and soul mate.  Who else can put up  w me so beautifully?

Finding my center

Sometimes the stars just align right.  The day starts great.  I had a great work out yesterday.  Zumba is so gratifying.  I get to dance. I burn off calories.  I feel the energy afterwards.  I slept well last night.  I felt it as I woke up this morning.  I also got back into my groove of Yoga.  I really enjoy Yoga.  I feel centered.  I am listening to meditation and yoga music at the moment.  I feel so calm and serene.  It is a great feeling to have.  I learned about chakras yesterday.  I am very intrigued by this concept.  We have 7 chakras.  I like that fact that my mind is open enough to accept new perspective and outlooks in life.  Having an open mind is healthy.  I also have a new mantra.  Well-being IS wellness.

"Getting" you

What an important part of a friendship and/or a relationship.  Perhaps we don't realize how much that really means.  For myself I didn't realize how essential it was for my self worth to know the acceptance and understanding that someone had.  Jeremy gets me.  I am a complicated person...and then I'm not.  I want acceptance for my quirks.  I want understanding of my behavior.  I want respect for my thoughts.  It's a hope I had for my life mate.  And my friends.  Those closest to me have the beautiful "dance" where they understand the goofy, sincere, childlike behavior that I possess. And why it is there.  Jeremy and my " vent squad" as I playfully call them understand and accept me for who I am.  And then there are those that I have "history" with.  I don't always keep in touch, perhaps only Facebook friends with, or are too far away to keep a face to face time with.  "Dog Days are Over" is playing at the moment.  Okay...that was a tangent.  Back to my blog entry.  I am lucky that I have people that "get" me.  It's a beautiful feeling.  It's liberating....

The important of conjecture. ...and facts

Conjecture plays a role. But when you have facts you follow the trail of facts. Because I think so grey I was nice to be able to see black and white...from a female perspective.  I like learning.  I like someone giving me a solid argument on why thinking another way is important.  You learn something new everyday. ..least that is a hope.

A day late

I don't have much going on today. But I wanted to stay consistent.  This is a day late.

Keeping a positive outlook

It's harder than it seems.  It's easy to fall into a funk.  The world is a pretty place these days. But you find ways that your life is better.  Having good people in your life is important.  Their positive outlook is contagious.  Their strength when life hits them with lemons reminds you on how to deal with things.  They give you perspective.  Music is great too.  You really can lose yourself in music.  And music helps different types of moods.  Reading can help you be distracted from things.  You can also lose yourself in a book.  Working out is great to clear your head and gain a positive outlook. Writing down your thoughts is also great. Venting to a friend also does wonders. You don't keep those toxins in your body and you gain another perspective on your situation. Bouncing ideas off of a person can be very beneficial.  I'm no expert.  I do hope that my thoughts...my take on things does help you.  At the very least..I hope you smile, laugh, or entertain you.  I don't mind making you think about things.  I like putting "my take" out into the world.

Choices and consequences

A conversation sparked this thought about choices I've made in my life. I've held myself accountable for mistakes I've made and ultimately the lessons learned. I've done that so I don't feel regrets in my life. I don't want a do over. For one reason only......I'm married to him. You choose how you react the world. That's tough to follow through sometimes.  I don't claim to have the secret to happiness.  However,  my journey. ..thus far has taught me my choices navigate my rewards in life. ...and my consequences.  So I must be mindful of my chices. And for that I live w little regret.

The perks of being common

So...today I went into an upscale store. Some wardrobe was couture. Most women like me have moments where unlimited shopping sprees flash before their eyes. However,  as I was admiring these items a thought occured. The perks of not living up to a standard of upscale living is that at any given point...I know clothes won't make a person. ..their character will. Trust me...it's nice. But I chalk it up to gazing at museum pieces. I'm ok...just looking.  I'm curious to know I'd an affluent person has that "luxury" to know who likes them...for just them....

Getting back into the groove

School is next month.  I'm so excited.  I'm also trying to get back into working out. I've also been trying to read more. I like routine.  So I want to back into some form of routine.  something about routine feels natural.  It could be just me.

Perspective

I love great conversations.  I love opening my mind about new information. I love opening my mind on old information being seen in a different perspective.  The conversation took an interesting turn regarding perspective.  When you put so much negative energy to the world...what really are you accomplishing? I'm no saint. I have my grrr moments too.  But this dialogue helped me to see that certain people will focus on anger, bitterness, and the negative aspects of the world...rather than focus on peace, resolution, and positive aspects.

Leticia

She gives me perspective even if she doesn't know it. I've learned so much from this wonderful cooky beautiful soul. I'm only happy to put a smile to her face by visiting her.

The big picture

I want to vent this to the world....and look in the mirror and say it to myself as well. Humble yourself to know its not all about you. ..good....or bad. It helps to be a considerate person whenever you can. Let people decide their fate.  You don't know the entire story because its not your journey.  And finally. ..communication is work....and worth it...on the right person.

Good company

Good company is always good to have. When you surround yourself w good people , it helps you to know your support system. ..w the good...the bad...and the ugly. And the same goes for being good company for them

Gets you thinking

I had an extraordinary conversation with one of my friends.  Because of the less pleasant experiences in my romantic life I can truly appreciate what I have with Jeremy.  By no means is it perfect. In fact...it got me thinking...certain words really irk me.  I don't like perfect. I mean...who really is? Nothing is ever what it seems.  and honesty has a certain unrealistic expectation put upon it.  Being blunt, straightforward, and sincere...now those remind of a more realistic view of honesty.  Love doesn't have reason.  On paper...Jeremy do not make sense.  He's so logical and sees things in black and white. I'm all over the place. My logic makes sense to me but perhaps not others.  I live in more grey areas.  And yet...we make it work.  That love helps me step out into the world with a more confident part of my "self".  I trust in Jeremy,  I value his thoughts.  And that in of itself is truth I can work with.

Laughing

Its amazing what laughter can do for you. Its important that you smile and laugh as much as you can. That's my motto for the day.

Knowing what you want

Its not as easy as it looks. Trudging through stress. Getting overwhelmed by life itself....I watch how knowing what you want isn't so black and white.

Stories

It's always interesting to learn people's story. In fact, in some ways the story is still writing itself. It also reminds me what I want out of my story.  I want meaning.  I want purpose. I want adventure. I want a  vanilla mocha blend. I wonder if that makes sense to me only.

Aha moment

I learned something about myself today. Thank you, friend for guiding me and helping me see that important knowledge about myself.

I'm doing this

The whole experience of enrollment was surreal.  It was nice to share the experience with Kailyn, a fellow classmate.  We were so excited. I can't tell you the different emotions I am going through right now.  They range from excitement to fright.  This is a dream come true.  And I couldn't have done with without Jeremy.  Jeremy is amazing.  He is such a supportive person.  He's my best friend...he's my...I don't have the words. He gets me.  The man gets me.  He accepts the insane person that is his wife.....and loves her despite that....and because of that.  That is incredible knowledge to have.

Being comfortable in my skin

Perhaps I get too comfortable in my skin. My personality is over the top. I'm loud. I'm not what you would call timid. I'm overwhelming to some...I'm sure. For that...I'm sorry that I am......to a point. I leave you w all sorts of warning labels about me. I'm crazy. But I love that about me. I certainly make you smile or laugh. ...sometimes w me...sometimes at me. I really don't care. I'm too happy to get scared of being judged. I wouldn't have it any other way.

New experience

I'm always up for new experiences.  By chance I received tickets to attend an event at Witte. Great food. Good entertainment. ....and it included me belly dancing!  What an experience! This is a night to remember. 

Stream of thought....on crack

I literally forgot to post.  It happens. I will not "pounce" on myself for forgetting.  It happens.  It is not the end of the world. It's not like I'm a fashion blogger. That would be nice.  People coming to me for advice regarding their representation. I have fashion sense and they are looking towards me for the guidance. And...then I woke up.  I wonder how many fashion bloggers were at Fashion week.  Anyways, I'm also not an advice blogger. I'd love to be that.  But really...in the grand scheme of things I wouldn't be able to help.  I mean...who do I think I am....Dear Abby?! I miss Dear Abby.  I used love reading her column.  I digress.  And what does one blog about really? Politics? Values? Beliefs? I'm curious to know how many blogs exist and what do they entail. I mean...how does one get into professional blogging? Wouldn't that be something? Jess Kearney...professional blogger.

Title schmitle

I got to pay it forward today. It wasn't much. It was a cup of coffee. But it is so meaningful to me.  My mind is in several places at once.  I also finally got the guts to delete people off my facebook.  Why would I have trouble deleting people I am not fond of? I have issues...really I do.  In any case...to end on a positive note...I had a good day. Lunch with a friend and coffee.  And then a great conversation with another friend.  Today was just off in terms of perkiness. I was happy...but I was grumpy? NO...never..Not perky? Perhaps that was it.

Hoping for the best

So Jeremy is saying okay to massage school.  I am so excited! However, I am from the school of thought that when I am in the class...I am really in massage school. Things happen. I would understand. But things happen and that would temporarily put a speedbump to my dream.  So...just taking one day at a time.  Looking at supplies. Looking at scrubs.  Looking at book prices.  Again...hoping for the best.

Teamwork

Had a conversation last night that really reasonated with me. It's two of us now. Decisions we make hopefully take into consideration that we are a couple.  Anyways,  I like the idea of looking at things that way. It came from wondering the intentions of a someone and whether they were capitalizing on the personality I have. I wasn't mad...but...it didn't make me happy either.

Attention Attention Attention

As much fun as being a celebrity sounds...it really seems rather frightening.  People watching your every movie...ready to approve or for that matter not approve of your every move.  Your looks fade eventually so hopefully...in that fleeting time one calls a career talent has been amassed.  Strange part is I've been accused of being an attention hog.  I don't meant to put spotlight on myself.  I just have a grandiose sense of things. I usually attribute to overcompensating for things.  I actually think one day I will experiment and see if my personality allows me to just be.  Part of me thinks I can't pull it off.  Again...I don't mean to be that way.  I just have a larger than life personality.  I'm crazy...I'm loud.  Is it possible to tone things down? I think I would like to see if I can.  Where did all of this come from? From watching a movie, of course.  I go off on tangents. My mind has a wonderful imagination...and well it likes to run away with itself.

Blocking creative thoughts

You ever notice when you are sick....that when you are sick...your creative "mojo" seems to be at a standstill? My head doesn't feel clear.  It's enough to figure the breathing part because I'm stuffy at times. It's mostly been the sore throat that brings me the most problems.  I'm not complaining by all means.  I would much rather have this than have had an episode or epileptic attack.  But it does have a sense of annoyance that I can't do things that I want because my body is holding me back.  In any case...I sense I am closer to the end part of being sick. Our weekends are getting packed again as they usually do during the winter time.  So I will need to recharge my body and rest more so I can keep up!

Your own pace

Sometimes I'm the energizer bunny. I can go a mile a minute. Then, other times I am too sick to move. It can be frustrating because I like keeping busy. So I have found a pace to go by. And when I feel guilty for not doing more I remind myself that for health reasons I pace myself. Intellectually,  I know I'm doing my best. Emotionally,  I find myself scolding myself for not pushing through.  Luckily,  I remind myself my limits.  I'm not super woman. I'm grateful that Jeremy understands this and doesn't expect anything.  For that reason I want to do more.  He's amazing.  I am so lucky to have him.

Family trip

What an amazing trip. Grandma Freda had tons of photo albums. I felt like a kid in a candy shop. All these memories of Jeremy's family past...and then his own past. I saw baby pictures!  I saw pictures of him and Jess where they practically look like twins. It was such a memorable trip. So much happened.

Memories

Memories are always important to make.  You make them at the most random moments.  You meey people along the way and sometimes they create part of the memory.  Memories can sometimes be very painful.  However,  it helps to create new memories. It helps when these replace the negative ones. It's almisy a feeling of second chances. 

Hear me roar

Ok. So I've heard the "Roar" song several times but today....today I was jamming out like a sassy 20s. Some days I just feel the sass in me and well...I go w my bad self. I love these days. And I saw a post from a friend that lost her sass today. I hope she gets it back cause sass is beautiful.

Awesome debates

I love debates w Jeremy.  They can be random. They are usually intellectually stimilating. They can be funny.  These are the moments I cherish.

Pets

This is dedicated to my friend,  Lisa Davila.  I'm so sorry

What is with Twerk and Swag?

What is it about these words that irk me? I mean once used to mean dirty dancing or booty shaking.  The other just meant some sort of charm or charisma. Where did these words matriculate into our mainstream and pollute our vocabulary.  It seems cool.  It seems the "in" thing.  On same level I get that.  But on most levels I don't.  I mean...being unique has flair,  Granted...blending in means you won't get bullied.  Then again..people are creative on what they decide is reason to bully.  I mean...it makes you wonder where their self esteem is.  So for me...I bid you goodbye. So glad those words do not exist in my world.

Games

Playing a game that is way over my head.  It's a lot to take in. I like learning.  I like to be challenged...so in a way... I'm a glutton for punishment.  Least I get to spend time w my husband.  And obe of my best friends.  This feels like Magic....squared.

The hope that planets align

I really hope the planets align. I really want to go back to school.  One of my dreams was to receive my master's in psychology. And I did that.  I never really wanted to admit it but becoming a massage therapist was a dream.  That may seem odd to some.  But when you know you are really amazing something and you have a passion for it...it sort of lends itself to a desire to want to pursue it.  For me, for many years I did not have the confidence to say it was something I really wanted to do.  Now, at the stage I am in my life I have more confidence.  Jeremy has almost everything to do with that.  He is so supportive and amazing. Don't get me wrong. He has his a**hole moments. But they are few and far between.  He's my best friend.  He gets me.  And I have my b*tch moments so it's only fair. It's a balance! So let's see how the things turn out.  Let's see how things will unfold.  I'm excited about the future.

Did I ever tell you?

Did I ever tell you I wanted to be a choreographer.  Now as the universe and fate would have it I did not become that.  Sometimes not fulfilling a dream because a dream come true.  I love dance. I always have.  Since I was a little girl I wanted to dance.  As fate would have it my future would include sports...and I was damn good at it.  But I always thought of dance. Where is this conversation leading ..you ask? As I was watching "So you think you can Dance" last night I was watching these dancers with awe...not envy.  I love hearing their stories on how they got to this point in their career. The passion...the joy of dancing.  It's indescribable.  I am not a professional dancer.  However, I know the happiness I get when the music takes over me.  During my single days I would go to the club and dance for 5 straight hours.  It was an intoxicating feeling.  I watch these individuals with the style they bring and I smile.  I'm living vicariously through these people.  And I thank them.  Their dream is my dream.  That sounds strange.  But I feel like a dream still lives on because they are dancing. So visible that people are taking notice of...dance.  That's a wonderful thought.

Monday entry...late

The labor day weekend was great! We started out great by having drinks with friends.  Of course, being older we can only handle so much "night light".  The older you get the more you can't do 3 am in the morning.  We have moments where we can pull it off.  But I try not to push it with my Epilepsy,  One of my best friends got engaged over the weekend. I am so happy for her.  Jeremy bailed out of the social with my permission. I am becoming more involved with my community.  So I wanted to make an appearance at the social.  We had an out of town guest so I understood him wanting to bail out.  Plus, my anti social husband..was being...anti social. lol Oh well.  We can't all being social butterflies like me.

Busy days

Busy day.  Which is why today is a rest day.  I might paint my table. I might not.  I can't tell at this point. I had a great swim yesterday.  Trying to get back into the swing of things.  With Jeremy not being my exercise partner I sometimes lack discipline.  It's not that he was the disciplined one.  However, I noticed I was more likely to be consistent with him around.  Again, it was really nice going swimming. My glamorous life. lol

2 entries in one day

I felt sick yesterday and that distraction made me forget to blog. I'm sitting here. I told Jeremy of the possible epiphany I had. And I smiled. .as he's kissing me...and just taking in that moment.  When your life consisted of Lifetime movie moments....its really nice that my life switched to the Hallmark channel.  Jeremy is everything. Jeremy is...well...He's Jeremy. ...and I love him.

Afterthought

I had a wonderful conversation w a friend yesterday.  However,  in that conversation I realized something.  As wevwere describing things refarding our fallout I picked up more clues regarding the culprit trying manipulate their lives and directly affected our fallout. I felt had...not by the friend I had the fall out w. By the friend who orchestrated drama, lies, and deception.  And as an afterthought I wondered...were they trying to affect my marriage too? It's hard to explain where I came up w the wonder w out giving details. So let me walk away w this. You are poison. And I'm glad I finally made the right decision to yank you out of my life.  And when I asked why you wanted to save our friendship you told me in so many ways...I was collateral.  Afterthought.  Sometimes things, memories, music, or something takes me back. I work through them...like therapy. It helps me process the world better.

50 years

It seems long ago...because in some ways it is.But in the grand scheme of things it's not that long ago.  A speech that changed people's outlook. A man that made people think.  It's hard to believe Martin Luther King Jr's speech happened today, 50 years ago.So much has changed. However, I still notice opression, bullying, and prejudice.  I wonder if people recognize that while their opinion differs it isn't their views that hurt people. It's a shame a person may have ignorant views but that isn't the problem.  The problem is the brutality...and the bullying people do because of their beliefs.  That isn't "Christian".  That isn't a person of good morals.  Least that's how I see it.  I don't know if I go so far as I respect people's opinion. I judge their ignorance.  However, I respect their right to vocalize that.  On the flip side of that I don't respect those who bully...who brutalize their ignorant views and bring them to life.  Human rights...are all kinds of rights where oppression exists.  I watch...I read..I hear of the brutal attacks that sometimes lead to death because someone was gay, or black,a woman or just...different.  Someone has a problem with you...and rather than just ignore you...they terrorize you.  It makes me wonder the parenting they are receiving.  They learn that behavior somewhere.  I don't have the answers. But I would like more conversation put into what all this means.

When you have a moment

As I was having an incredible conversation today...I remember that I have been lucky to experience life to the fullest....whether it's painful...or joyful..it's been experiences.  I have this thing about experiences. I want to life life by the fullest.  I want to say...I felt this..I had this...I did this.  And by allowing myself to experience those things I am able to have a "moment".  Because when you have a moment...like these...you appreciate the beauty that darkness brings. You appreciate that light that comes into your life.  You are grateful for the positive energy that your life has...whether it be the people in your life, the experiences you have, or the realization that you are living your life..by your rules, your terms, your beliefs, and your values.  It's a feeling of empowerment that is indescribable.

Back to school

It was great reading my feed and seeing all those pictures.  I can't wait for the fall.  That means jackets, hot tea, fall leaves...and other lovely things.  I always look forward to this time of year.  Thomas is going to be in high school and Ashley will be in middle school.  Let me take a minute to process that.  They are growing up so much! I am also hoping I get to go back to school. Mine wouldn't start until November.  I'm really excited if I'm able to go back.  Key word is hope.  We are out of furlough but that doesn't necessarily mean out of the woods just yet.  We will just have to wait!

Judgement

We all do it.  I know I do it.  I try to be careful when I judge, tho.  I don't know the whole story.  And quite frankly, it's non of my business.  At least that is the mindset I want someone to have of my life.  My life, my choices, my marriage, and my parenting...are well...none of your business.  I don't mind suggestions. I don't mind opinions.  I reconfirmed that philosophy as I was having lunch with a friend.  You really don't know the ins and outs of what goes on behind the scenes.  You may want to do the saying..."Well...if it was me...or your life or marriage shouldn't look like that".  I respect that someone wants to put that out there....but they aren't me.  I live life on a different set of rules.  I still abide by rules like thou shall not kill thy neighbor.  But society rules...the rules that say I have to act my age...or look a certain way for my age.  I've come to a certain point in my life where I recognize that I won't appease people on my decisions.  I'm okay with that.  I'm happy on my decisions. I'm happy on how I conduct myself. I make mistakes...oh do I! But I like learning the hard way sometimes.  As ridiculous as that sounds it's the best way for me to learn what I like or don't like...what I understand or don't.  Sometimes learning....is doing.  Even if that doing is the wrong way.

Tangent Overload

That's just one amazing song.  I have a confession to make.  I imagine I am on Broadway. I'm in a top hat and tuxedo outfit but with shorts instead.  You know the outfit.  Hey. Sometimes I wish there was an adult version of Lizzie McGuirre.  I could see it.  Housewife...that's a time traveler (Have to have some kind of Dr. Who connection).  Goes on these adventures.  Her companion is a talking dog..yeah. Can you see I am making this up as I go? It sounds entertaining...at least. I'm sorry. I'm still trying to figure where Jersey Shore and Honey Boo Boo (and yes even the Hills) can make it to television.  Now...where was I? I think I just had an oooh something shiny moment.  Back to the song Feeling good. I noticed Nina Simone sings it.

I only had heard the Michael Buble version.  Muse? Really? Now I am intrigued.  Focus, Jess!

Music has an effect on me.  Over the years I have developed a more eclectic taste. I like that about myself. I hope it shows the maturity of my taste.  Strange as it may seem I do have mature moments.  I prefer to be that carefree spirit.  However, there are times my demeanor requires a little more subdued side to me.  Like say...a funeral.  And no...I haven't busted out laughing.  I see that in movies. Does it really happen.  Something tells me that this blog entry had a mind of it's own and sort of went on it's on journey...of no real direction.  And that's okay.  Sometimes not knowing all the answers is good.  I prefer planning...Which is such an oxymoron to my free spirit.  I am a contradiction in the making.......

This time..I'll be bulletproof

Since I am doing yesterday's blog entry...I guess I will do today's.  Dreams.  I noticed within the last few days a handful of friends having not so pleasant dreams. Myself included in the not so pleasant dreams.  I was rather curious about that.  I was wondering if the Universe was sending some kind of sign or just pure coincidence.  Mine was about dreaming about a toxic person.  I don't normally dream of this person...but there they were...invading my sleep.  Sometimes I wonder why certain dreams happen.  Dr. Jung was an expert on the subject of dreams and often described dreams as a doorway for subliminal messaging.  In other words, people and things in our dreams represented or symbolized other things.  That could have been the case in my dream.  This person triggers me profoundly.  I hadn't realized until I removed them from my life that they had caused so much chaos around me.  I lost a friend or two because they were friends with this person...and at times I am sad about that.  I don't regret the loss. I figure they will come to realize the manipulation of "Jordan".  We will call this person "Jordan".  I also had another unnerving moment where I thought I recognized a former best friend.  The blood drained from me.  I hadn't realized that certain people still have the effect of unnerving me.  Good to know..right?.  It got me thinking of people in my life that I hope not to run into.  I wondered how I would react to these people.  I would hope I keep my composure.  Key word...hope.  Which is why it got me thinking of things.  They are just people.  They hold memories...unpleasant vessels of bad memories.  A friend  once pointed out that I give power to songs that trigger...memories that trigger pain.  This was not to minimize my pain in any way.  But it did point out the power I give memories, songs, and people. I thought of that when I was thinking of toxic people in my life. I finally removed them in my life.  It was a slow process.  I can't have others say " I told you so".  I don't work that way.  I have experience the pain for myself in order to learn.  I don't like that but I would rather remove someone because I felt the need to....Not that someone was influencing me.  I already did that once...and it pained me...So....talking myself down.  Allowing myself to feel the pain...but give it's place..in the past...and remind myself of the reality I live in.  I felt safe reminding myself of that.

Missed a day...It happens

Before I would been so unhappy that my consistency failed.  Now..I figured..it's a blog...I can double blog tomorrow.  Really..the simplest things used to set me off.  Jeremy had his work cut out! But we got through it.  I also think my medication contributed to some of my behavior issues.  I found out the hard way that certain medication can alter your behavior.  Anyways, today is chores day.  I spend the day with a friend on Monday and yesterday so I need to play catch up.  I went back to listening to Pandora.  It's easier to get on my desktop.  Spotify was being difficult.  I live this glamorous life...right? Sometimes I just let my mind wander and figure a subject. Sometimes..I do blank out and can't quite figure the direction my mind is going.  I made a necklace yesterday.  I am loving it.  It's my new thing.  I'm addicted to it. I'm thinking of more earrings and necklaces to make.  We had dinner with a friend the other day. I made the comment I don't want to buy my jewelry. I'm going to make it. Don said.."You heard it here first..." But I really want to explore different patterns and ideas.  And if I want jewelry...I'll just make it. Which makes me proud to say.  I made that jewelry.  I don't know to explain it.  Maybe because I didn't expect this side of me.  You know how sometimes people say they knew they had it in themselves but were just trying to find a way to get it out. Not me.  I literally didn't know this side of me existed.  And I really like it.  Now...maybe I can have some baking in my future.

Where did August go?

It feels like August just started. And now...somehow it's whizzing past us.  I made my first jewelry this month.  I took a huge step to making positive energy from a negative moment in my life.  I conceptualized my DIY patio project.  It's been a busy month for finding myself.  I am still finding that identity.  I like this Suzie Homemaker side to me.  I don't think I really had the confidence in myself to try this side out.  In some ways...I've mellowed out. In other ways...I'm still the wild child I can be.  Either way...I'm the ever adorable wife to Jeremy.  I drive that man crazy...and drive him crazy.  I love making him smile.  I made earrings today! In fact, I made two pairs today! I also made another bracelet.  I think I found one of my craft loves. Anyways, quality time with a friend, lunch, and then coffee made for a really wonderful day.  Well...not much going on.  My philosophical side has writer's block.

My extraordinary experiences

One doesn't want to dwell on a past.  But I wouldn't change my past.  It led me to Jeremy.  I have been lucky enough to taken paths where I lived in Sweden.  Where I lived in Germany.  I experienced things before I settled down as a wife.  I like the idea of that.  I never expected to be a military wife...and there I was being one.  Although that isn't an experience I care to repeat.  I saw snow....twice.  In fact...I'm pretty good about not seeing snow again! I had an online experience.  I went to the headquarters of the Hummel factory.  I went to Poland.  I've been in the military.  And these are the experiences I can remember.  If I were to leave this world I could happily say I tried things...because I could.  I used to fear the unknown.  I did them anyways.  I was more afraid of regret.  I got a tattoo.  I have had many extraordinary experiences with Jeremy.  And let me tell you they have been wonderful.  However, I am glad that I had things before Jeremy.  Sometimes people have that feeling of regret of not doing things before they settle down.  I did things before...and even after. Jeremy is adventurous.  I like that about him.  I'm still enjoying those experiences.  They all shape the kind of person I am still wanting to become.  I still haven't learned all that life has to offer. So I am still here...a student of life...wanting to take in the lessons.

The art of keeping busy

I'm not one for being idle. Don't get me wrong. I take me days. However,  I get a sense of guilt if I'm not being productive.  I've created projects that keep me busy. I'm really enjoying the DIY projects because they help the house or make things easier. They help in some way. Even jewelry making has a function.  If I need a new necklace,  bracelet, or pair of earrings...I make it. I also put me days because if I don't watch myself I'll overdo it. And being there for my friends.  I call it free therapy.   So..my job is to make the house work..look nice..keep running right...see what needs to be done for repairs....storage room...you get the idea. I really am the administration of Kearney Kastle. I'm the day planner. I'm the social event planner.  I'm the secretary. I love it.

Good is really great

Jeremy is a considerate guy.  While he does have so many guy moments....and emphasizes my girl moments...he is a really nice guy.  He listens to me.  I can't say that many men do that. We communicate.  Sometimes I have trouble getting my point across.  There he is helping me out.  I know I frustrate him.  I know sometimes he doesn't mean to condescend.  So we find a happy medium to express our thoughts.  By no means is our relationship perfect with cupcakes and unicorns....(insert Jeremy making a puking and gagging sound)...but I am grateful that we express appreciation for each other.  We say it daily...something nice...something complimentary.  I also don't require as much attention as I used to.  Sometimes I crave more attention. But I usually can find satisfaction with a chick flick.  And there are weekends where my attention is given.  I can't imagine trying to make this work with someone else.  We fit.  We have this chemistry...We have this connection.  I don't even know how to explain it.  We still are learning things from each other.  I like that.  Passion.  We have that.  I don't ever want to lose that.

Significance of certain days

I was watching this movie last night that centered around a particular day.  It showed the evolution of a friendship.  It got me thinking on how I have days that circle me with meaning.  May 19th..the day my grandma passed away.  A few years before I met my first husband.  August 1st...the assault. October 30th the day my supervisor passed away.   Happier days...March 16th...The day I got married.  Jan 20th.  The day I met Jeremy. July 26th...the day I graduated with a Master's degree.   The point is these days mean so much to my psyche.  It got me wondering about other people and what days impact them...or is it just a me thing? I am guessing not.  I put emphasis on these days.  Whether bad or good I give control to these days to impact me.  Words are just words...until we give them meaning...Dates are just dates...until we give them a memory.  It's like having a movie clip in my mind.  I watch the clip roll...I find myself smile, cringe, sigh, or laugh.  Flashback memories...they call them. I am triggered by them.  It can be a positive. It can also be a negative.  I am learning to leave them as just that...just a memory,  It takes time though.  And second chances.  Ah movies...between the song playing in Silver Lining Playbook and the date centered in One day...It just got me thinking....Have I got you started now? lol

Last Furlough Monday

Things will be going back to normal.  While it has been fun having Jeremy home I am happy things are going back to normal.  It means we aren't stressing of that one 8 hour of income not coming in.  It doesn't seem like a lot..but in the grand scheme of things it is.  My next project is jewelry making.  Rosie got me started with beads.  I need to get the tools (I have one of the pliers) and some wire.  I also need to get two cinder blocks.  I've done some DIY home fragrance.  And it smells great! I combined rose and cinnamon. I also reorganized my necklaces and earrings.  Yah! I love that one.  They have been tangling up and irritating me.  Not much else.  I was having a conversation about craft...and a friend mentioned that in it's own way DIY is a craft.  I like that sound of that.  I'm no quilter...or stitcher... or scrapbooker.... Jewelry making has potential.  Things for the home and beauty products have been the big focus with me.  But my craft kick is DIY.  I like it. I LIKE IT! :)

A day later but still consistent

Somewhere along the way I forgot to blog.  So here is my still consistent day later blog entry.  I am obsessed.  And I don't think it's going away.  I have found my love in DIY projects...whether it comes to beauty, home improvements, or the idea of a party.  Who is this person? What have I evolved into???! I have to go back and remind myself that two lifetimes ago I wouldn't understand a person I have become today.  Two lifetimes ago I wasn't dealing with Epilepsy like I am today.  Age certainly helps you to be more educated and aware of things revolved around your life.  We are all different.  For some it's a craft like stitching. For some it's nursing. For some it's children. For some it's just making life easier for our very hectic life  We have some focus that revolves around the life we have created.  Sharing that with friends may help us find inspiration, good advice, or general good feeling of just sharing.  And so today...and many other days it might feel like my focus on my blog has gone more DIY there will be a dash of psychology that shows it's pretty little head.  After all, in my blog perhaps there is a conversation starter, a seed, or something that boggles your mind of why I brought it up.  I want to make you laugh some days. I want to make you think.  Maybe even some days I want to make you cry. (Okay...maybe not cry but at least have your eye ducts function at a reasonable level) (Insert SMH laugh now) And somewhere we can find the playlist or soundtrack to your life that we have been looking for.  

Back to normal for Jeremy

It will be nice to be off furlough.  We were doing okay. Key word okay.  There was always that worry of nothing breaking down because there was no "extra savings" somewhere. I liked having Jeremy on Mondays but him and I are happy that things will be back to normal.  Although we might at least for a couple of months still conduct things as though he were to save money. This DIY kick has got me thinking of saving money...and keeps me busy.  It also educates and informs me of materials and ingredients right in my house...and the benefits they bring.

DIY

I am thinking because of the furlough I suddenly became interested in Do it yourself projects.  It also could be the influence of Rosie.  Do it yourself gets my creative juices out. I find an outlet for them.  It also keeps me busy. I started on home makeover.  I think beauty is next.  Home remedies is also something I am looking at.  The nice part is that saves money.  It also helps me look items and see ingredients that I never would have considering as a beauty product, a home remedy, or something to utilize for my house.  It's one of those huh..Who would have thought?

Blah day

I don't much to say. Not very productive.  Energy level was low.  Take care

Memory lane

I took trip down memory lane thanks to a friend.  Sometimes my other lives...feel like well...just that...lifetimes ago.  I can't imagine sometimes that those lifetimes ago were even me.  In fact, what is most incredible to me is that they were lifetimes and last names ago.  I was Moser for so many years.  I was Moser divorced longer than I ever was married.  But I had such pride in that name.  I established myself with that name.  I formed an identity...with that name.  Ortiz...while my maiden name and original didn't connect with me.  True....I am Hispanic by heritage. However...I don't follow much of the traditions in my heritage.  Sometimes I wished I did.  I would like to be proud of the more pleasant traits of being Mexican American...rather than the usual stereotype that gets tagged to us.  But it also became an interesting feeling to be Moser...in Germany.  Strange as that sounds because it was a name I acquired by marriage.  The idea of heritage at times seems rather foreign to me...pardon the pun.  I am Jess.  I love Irish things.  I love to dance. I love trying out new foods. I am Jess.  Sometimes it's hard to describe.  But the trip down memory lane reminded me the journey that I took lifetimes ago...to come full circle....to be exactly where I am most at home.  A Kearney.

Today

I made it through the day. I ventured out into the world. And I'm proud of myself for that
 This day changed everything.  But I never tegret it. Without the darkness of the storm you can't completely appreciate the beauty.

Negative energy

People w negative energy....throw me off. Aren't you exhausted being that mean....spiteful, criticsl...or just plain negative? It's hard for me to understand that when some people gwt butt hurt tgey lash out. They become toddler version of themselves throwing a tantrum as though you took their pacifier.  How bratty. How immature. How unclassy....

Declutter

Something about organizing and decluttering makes me happy.  I didn't get to the garage but I certainly was productive today. Declutter helps clarify what is being used and what isn't.  I'm so aware of the space we live in now that I try to utilize the space properly. Sure...my problems and challenges are nothing compared to my past...and I like it like that. Stress level is down. I surround myself w positive people.  I try to stay busy, positive,  useful, or contribute some purpose in tge world. Sometimes it's projects at home. Other times it's being there for a friend. Sometimes it's to learn something new..or have a new perspective or outlook on something.  Declutter...my...life. I like that.

The space we live in

Ughs. I loathe the fact Rosie was right. This room looks amazing!  It feels like a new room. O trief to surprise Jeremy but I failed...in an epic way. Luckily,  Nat snd Rosie came ovet and helped. I love my place. It's amazing.

Inconsistency finally got me

Vacation meant I really couldn't get to blogging...so I didn't count that time.  However, when I went back to my reality I assumed blogging duties.  Unfortunately, I didn't do it for two days.  Back on the blogging wagon I go.  Not much is going on.  I am doing more home improvement projects. Doing normal household chores...that never seem to end. lol . I am reading.  A migraine hit me today.  I slept it off.  I didn't sleep well last night.  So I took it easy.  And by easy I mean I did laundry, dusted, washed dishes, and read.  I did work out early so that I fulfill the work out requirement I give myself on Tuesdays and Thursdays. I slacked on Tuesday. But Liz gave us a work out on the vacation that I figured I could use it. lol Anyways, no Leticia today since I wasn't feeling well. Hopefully, I see her next week.

Back to reality

Back to reality.  Laundry is being done. I got my inspection sticker.  I mailef the registration.  I made a small album of vacation pictures.  And now back to reading. It's been a very productive day. I will be happy that Jeremy is not on furlough. ..but I am enjoying Mondays. Making the best of it.

safari

We had been there 4 years ago.  Funny how things change. The kids could really appreciate it. Wr had so much fun. I took so many pictures and vidro. Can't wait for tomorrow!

Ready set...vacation!

It's been a week.  I am ready for a vacation.  I am so excited.  I'm trying to think if I've missed something.  I have my list. I love my lists.  So ready for this.  So ready.

memories

Watching Leticia unable to let ho of her old life and memories broke my heart. On one hand I can understand the difficulty. However, I understand the need to consolidate stuff. It's not an easy thing to do. She does need a smaller space.  Its good she's in this senior living place. It's just hard...watching her let go...

Packed...and ready to go

Today was packing day.  I organized a list. Of course I did.  There are a few things we have to wait to put in before we really leave.  Then there are audiobooks to remember about.  I'm charging the camera.  Phone chargers need to be remembered. Little things like that are what we still need to think about.  It's so close.  Considering the week that I've been having...yeah....the timing is great for a vacation.  I am so excited to see Liz and Jess.  There are memories to be made.  I can't wait.

The universe and it's funny ways

The universe finds ways to talk.  It's hard to explain what I really mean. But I witnessed it today.  It's odd to sometimes think that the white elephant in the room...might actually be right in front of you...and you weren't even aware. Or it might even be you.  In all of this...it got me thinking of the many blessings I have.  My family is quirky...fragmented...and like any family has seen it's ups and downs.  I have blood. I don't deny that I do.  But the people I call...when I cry...those are my family.  Those are the ones that have seen my worst days...and know why I have them.  I love them. I love our history together...whether it's good...bad...or ugly....it's a story to tell...of our friendship.  I am constantly grateful for the life I am living.  and I will continue to be grateful.

not much for words

I'm not much for talking.  I figured it was my exception. But I wanted to be consistent. So this is me being consistent

Abuelita

She passed away today. I said goodbye last night. Emotions running rampant. So many thoughts in my head. My stomach hurts a little. I'm so grateful to have Jeremy.

Can't think

I have too many thoughts.  I'm feeling too much. I'm notfeeling enough.  I need to remember tobreathe.  And am reminded how incredibly lucky I am.

so much on my mind,,,,and yet not much to write about it

Do you have those days where so much is on your mind but you just can't think of anything to write? I had to pace myself today because the last couple of days I have been super busy with redoing the living room and dining room.  I am trying to do everything on a budget. And there was just a "moment" I had today.  I don't want to explain it but it did leave me sad, frustrated, and painfully aware of reality really works.  But then I went for a swim and it did make me feel better.  I think reading is in order tonight.  Enough writing for now. I don't have much to say.

Tangents

I had curtains on the brain.  I couldn't sleep.  I think I narrowed it down to brown or dark chocolate curtains.  Yes. I am one of those bargain shoppers. Always looking for the best price. Not the first price.  And then I organized the memory boxes.  Today I want to pain the table they stand on.  My mind is going different directions right now.  Different tangents.  It's funny and a little hectic inside this brain.  I am excited to fix up more of the place.  I wish I could write more but I think I have hit a wall about wanting talk about this and rather do this...or at least be doing something.  Productive day...here we come!

The Library

I feel like Norm at that place.  I knew the librarians if not by name...at least by face.  It amazed me that they remember my request for new books.  I was astonished at the memory of one librarian regarding a book I am so excited about coming and finally it will be here next week.  Is it weird how much I like books? I get lost in books.  Jeremy gets lost in books too. I love that about us. Yes...are big dorks and nerds,  He has his video games and I have my shows. We do things together but as time goes by we don't have to spend every waking moment together to feel the quality of our relationship.  I also like that I have been able to keep my independence in my relationship. Jeremy constantly supported and encouraged that I have separate interests from him. He always saw that as a healthy element of our relationship.  I didn't quite see that at the beginning.However, I am so glad he saw it and made sure that it has always been a part of us.  I'm not emotionally dependent on him for my happiness. Getting back to the library.  I go in there constantly.  I love being around books. It's like a home away from home.  I love being educated...stimulating my brain...keeping myself busy...finding something to do with myself.  Whatever the reason...I love that I love books.  I told you that my life wasn't exactly the fab life.  It's not exactly filled with glamour.  It works for me.  I am happy...content..you name it. :)

Vacation

I am excited about our vacation to Florida. We are going to see Jeremy's mom. She hasn't seen the kids in about 4 years.  We are going to be there for a week.  This weekend I will start organizing a list so that I can start organize our packing. Sometimes I think I enjoy organizing just a little too much.  I think we are only going to Universal Studios this time.  The kids are older and will enjoy a lot more things this time around.  I just remembered that Liz wants them to watch Harry Potter movies so they can enjoy the ride more.  It's been a hectic week.  We have the guy coming back from Jon Wayne to put in our door.  Other than that, next week is less chaotic.  The week after will be interesting.  For one it's when Jeremy starts his Furlough.  So Mondays he will also be with us. Then prepping for vacation.  Before we know it will be vacation time! I will take plenty of pictures. I am so excited. I put excited at the beginning and the end of this blog. Nice!

Something to think about

DOMA is gone. Whether you are for or against the decision made today...you must admit it is an important one. It marks a change in our mind set.  I've always thought about it like this.  Whether I support marriage equality or not (why by the way I do) a key question is this.  What right do I have to interfere in someone else's life.  Even if I didn't agree in gay marriages I don't feel it's my right to have an opinion on how you conduct your marriage. After all, you certainly are not going to have an opinion on my marriage.  I can understand that it makes people uncomfortable. I can even go as far as understanding and respecting that not everyone is going to feel the same way I do.  However, I get uncomfortable when we no longer speak of opinions and rather we fling insults and bash.  I know it's far fetched to believe we can discuss topics without getting into a heated debate and start bashing.  But in the end..it's what I want.  I want respect...more than anything. I want respect for each other for discussing the topics...whatever the topics are.  Perhaps that is too idealistic.  Perhaps I am dreaming. Perhaps one day we will have a more tolerable environment where people are not afraid to be themselves.

Organizing

I think I was on an organization kick today.  I did the normal washing dishes and laundry...since you know that is never ending! However, I managed to organize the upstairs closet and my closet.  I have some clothes to donate too.  I like organizing. It's almost...well therapeutic. Spring cleaning came a bit late...I guess lol.  Anyways, back to organizing.  I took a break to not over do it. And then I was at it again.    Sometimes I get into a project and want to just get it done.  And then I remember my body doesn't exactly work like that.  It's a bit frustrating at times.  Tomorrow I think I will take a rest day.  I have a coffee with my friend Nicole from high school.  It's going to be a great week.

Making a statement

So my project or focus became the living room.  I wanted to to open up more space near the television.  The main color is red.  Dark red to be exact.  Ashley and I found a wonderful print at Hobby Lobby.  And the best part is it was discounted.  Sylvia was nice enough to give me two side pieces that go great with the main piece.  Since we are investing in the condo I feel like I can really put roots down now.  In other words, I feel like it's starting to become a home.  I am also thinking of collages of pictures or memories. I don't know about that yet. It's a thought.  It was a very productive day today.  I'm looking forward to more projects. My friend Rosie has some saved for me.  I can't wait!

DIY and other wife things...or not...that is the question

I'm obsessed with Pinterest.  I am constantlyon the look out  for cheap DIY projects.  I have always been on the more frugal side when it comes to projects.  Here and there I pick up side jobesque  to cater to any projects that might cost extra.   I also want to improve my baking skills.  If we had ever had home economics I think I might have actually wanted to take that class....silly as that sounds. For others they seem so natural in that environment. Sometimes I feel like a giraffe trying to wobble around as I maneuver the more homemaking skills.  Alone, it was easy whipping up chicken recipes or a steak or two.  Somehow...an audience will scare me.  It really shouldn't.  The few times I attempt  I get compliments on my baking or cooking.  Still...the need to not fail is there.  I am so grateful that Jeremy accepts who I am...and who I'm not for that matter.  I try..and it's sweet. But I will never truly be June Cleaver.  I'm more likely to be  Betty Page first.  I fit my own mold of wifehood.  It's a bit different.  The important part is that our relationship doesn't suffer from it...In fact...I'd almost say my lack of wife skills has turned into more of an advantage.  I'm the wife that gets invited to the "no wife or girlfriend events".  I'm one of the guys...once again.  Last time I was in this position I felt a little bad about because I was "one of the guys".  This time...I embrace it.

Connections,truth, and that age old question

You have them.  Sometimes you have them better with your friends than your family.  Sometimes not.  Sometimes your spouse is that one connection that makes everything else make sense. Sometimes it's all about the connection you have with yourself. Sometimes not.  When you have a connection it's hard to see past ugliness of not having it....unless of course at one point you didn't have it.  I read a very disturbing book recently.  In the book the mother didn't love her daughter...and worse would tell her so.  Imagine the impact and psychology trauma and torture one endures into adulthood with experiences like that.  I'm extremely lucky that these days I surround myself with people that have positive energy.  Yes...friends and families do have "bad hair days" or the blues. However, they do not reside in negative place city.  Oddly, as I am getting older...my threshold for this negative energy is thinning. I just don't have the energy to keep positive thoughts and energy if you aren't at least making an effort to help yourself.  Life happens. Really bad things in life happen. It's the approach and way you deal with those things that determines your strength, your threshold, and your outcomes.  I've watched how different people handle a similar situation. I've watched how different people handle difficult people in their life.  I've watched how I handle difficult people.  You learn lessons from the toxicity of situations.  Not every day is magical...sometimes months...and years go by before a spark of magic is seen. And what it comes down to is...connection....connection to the world. The way I see it...when a person connection with the world..through music, words, or people they express what they feel. They outlet their emotions and feelings. And if there was any toxicity there it has an outlet...a way to be released.  Some connect with words.  Authors, songwriters, or singers give a feeling, a story, a description of an event....a way for us to relate to the things they have felt.  Some connect with sight. Artists and photographers sometimes can capture so much by just showing us a picture.  After all...a picture or painting can be worth a 1000 words.  There are those that have connections with people. I have that.  I feed off the connection I have with people.  Since I am sometimes isolated by being at home I yearn to interact with people.  However, these days I am learning for my words to connect people since I am no longer interacting face to face with that many people.  And then there is spiritual connection. Enlightenment...God....Nature...the Universe....we find ways to connect ourselves past just what is in front of us.  We seek answers to truths we aren't sure where the question lies.  Connections...sometimes the simplest answer really is the right or probable answer.  What is our purpose....good question.  Maybe there is no linear answer.  Maybe the right question isn't being asked. Maybe we don't have a black and quite answer...rather a grey structure on what we base our values on.  Maybe...we will never know.Or maybe knowing isn't the answer we are looking for. Maybe it's simply going on a journey...and looking for our own version of the truth.

Technology

How far we have come. Not 10 years ago we didn't exactly bother with. Now...it's a part of us..like an extra arm. I have internet.  I have navigation. I have my day planner.   I have texting. I have facebook. And it does something else..oh yeah...makes phone calls. It has been said that because of the technology we have become impersonal. And to a point...I can see that. However, it's connected me w people I thought I wouldn't see again because of distance. Technology has bridged that gap. If you work hard enough. ..you don't lose perdosal connection. It's the kind of connection that turns it personal or not. I text w the kids. By this age parents are ignored. It's nice that any communication is happening. Especially, since the kids being tweens and teenagers is such a fragile time. So...thank you technology. Connection...is still key.

Your demeanor

Sometimes it's hard not to be suspicious of repair guys because I am a woman.  Between yesterday's guy and today's guy I felt I had options with the latter. The latter seemed matter of fact.  He explained that our unit is obsolete.  The R-22 isn't being made much anymore.  He even offered to come back and speak with Jeremy about options so nothing gets lost in translation between repairing or just completely replacing.  And how did the price of replacing go from $4,957 to $2,000.  And you wonder why I don't like to be around repair men by myself. I automatically think I'm being played. It helped to actually see a guy not do that. In fact...it was refreshing.  So, Matt. Thank you for giving me hope not all repair men are scum just waiting to screw me over.  It was your demeanor that helped me to relax.  It was your offer to speak with Jeremy in person that I recognized perhaps you aren't trying to slip one over us.  After all, you came from Jon Wayne.  I'd hate for the Duke to be untrustworthy. lol

Drama

I used to have a lot of it in my life. I had what I thought were friends and allowed myself not to see there was no benefit to them. Am I still around drama? To a point. But I have learned. ..a friend having drama...is simply a friend having drama. Some people look for drama. Some simply are not able to see signs that drama is on it's way. Some just have pkain dumb luck about drama. I was thinking about all this as I listened to a friend describea person antagonizing them. Do these people who antagonize other people feed off that drama. Do they like harassing? What is it, really? Something to think about.

Family

So I was sort of having a writer's block on what to write about.  And there it was.in front of me.  I asked the kids and Ashley just came up with it.  So...now that I am listening to some great music I feel inspired. Let us talk about family.  Family is so important.  The support system that is your family can shape your days sometimes.  I don't know about you but I have needed to lean on mine at times.  Between my condition...or simply the toxicity of certain people in my life...I have had to seek advice or simply validation of things regarding my personality, my decision making...or simply to have a second opinion.  Family doesn't always form from blood relations....although it is beautiful when you do have a mother, sister, brother, father...etc to be able to confide in.  No...sometimes family is in the friendships one has formed.  The bonds that I have created with my family helps to me reaffirm things in my life.  I don't feel lost.....I have direction...once again.  And talks with family is a good feeling.  I had one the other day with Ashley.  I just had one with Thomas. Just talking.  Being a mom is crazy and a wonderful feeling.  I can't wait to see where this journey takes us....Family....what a beautiful word.

There are Tuesdays with Morrie...I've got Thursdays with Leticia

It is Thursdays. Which means it's visiting Leticia time. I have been calling her "Laura" because we started out in a an Elder Friends program. It's coming up on a year now.   Now that we are no longer in the program I don't see any reason to hide her identity. She moved.  After 40 years she moved.  I can't even imagine what that feels like.  However, I really think this move is good.  She moved into am independent senior living apartment complex.  It's a great community setting while still allowing for independence.  She is no longer so isolated.  I will still visit her on Thursdays. But maybe I can also make it out on Tuesdays sometimes.  The nearest church is my former school so it will be nice to go back to that church.  I usually don't make it out to that church because it's far. But for her and visiting with her it is worth it.  I am blessed and lucky to have Leticia in my life.  She tells me that I have helped her so much.  Truth is...she helped me.

Is it just going to fade?

Ok ok. I am going to try to keep up with this blogging thing. I have plenty to say. My mind has so many scattered thoughts that I should just organize them somewhere.  It's like having a streaming conversation or an ongoing thought where no real break happens. Does that ever happen to you? I mean...do I have a focus? I'm a housewife. I do housewifey things...And projects.  I am always looking for projects. Although my DIY things...well I like to be frugal and economical. I have always been like this.  Reading keeps me company.  And now the kids do too. We have them the whole summer.  They are growing up so fast. So is this blog only for me.. Will anyone read this? Do I want them to?