Monday, May 22, 2017

Edgar Magnin


Funny enough, this quote jumps my mind into another quote of sorts.  Basically, I have the power to write my narrative.  Only for a long time, I didn't realize this.  Amazing conversations yesterday with friends.  I love being able to share ideas and perspectives with friends.  We are different ages.  Most times, Jeremy and I are older than our friends.  It's not intentional.  Just tends to happen.  Back to the thought at hand.  I have the power to write my narrative.  The biggest part of my narrative that I wanted to convey was contribution.  My constant question was whether I contributed good idea.  Do my thoughts and values count for something was always a question that was never far from my mind.  I second guess my thoughts.  I dismissed that my idea or take on something was silly.  And nowadays, maybe it is silly.  And maybe for that moment, silly is exactly what is needed. Who knows? The point is, my thoughts mattered.  It mattered that I shared my thoughts and values to people that cared to know.  It mattered that I shared my thoughts and values to people who supported what I believed in.  So, today...think about writing your narrative and what that means to you? What is the biggest message you want to convey?

Thursday, May 18, 2017

I miss you so much


I miss you so much.  You were always a fixture of my life.  Of happiness that I had in my life.  Spending those last moments with you, holding your hand, as you slipped away from this world, was probably one of the hardest moments to endure.  But I didn't want to leave your sight.  Thank you for waiting for me.  Thank you for holding on just enough for me to get to you.  I got the first flight out.  It's been 15 years.  It doesn't make it any easier.  It was hard to endure again when I was holding Jeremy's Grandpa the same way.  But I knew it was something I had to do.  Jeremy had just gone back to work that Monday.  I miss you so much.  Tomorrow is your death anniversary.  But somehow, today, it kinda of hit me as I was writing my blog.  So I wanted to write into the void.  My quiet spaces have lost loved ones.  They understand missing someone so much.  So...that's why I am writing to you and telling you I miss you so much.  I wished you could have met Jeremy.  You would have loved him.  He's a pain in the ass but he is crazy about your granddaughter.  Hope you're having fun in heaven or wherever you are.  I hope you got to meet Aaron.  I don't know what really happens to people who commit suicide.  But I'd like to think they get a chance at heaven if they help out people on Earth.  I love when you send me dimes.  I loved how you told me every time I saw a dime you would be saying hello.  I don't care that no one really believes that.  I do.  I love you and miss you. This was taken in 2001.  I was graduating from college.

Annie Dillard

How we spend our days, is of course, how we spend our lives.  She made a sentence so simple.  And yet, so profound.  It actually reminds me of something I inherited when my Grandma passed away.  Tomorrow is her death anniversary.  I miss her.
The quote was" Life is God's gift to us.
 What we do with is our gift to God." (A.R. Bernard)
My spirituality has definitely evolved.  Jeremy calls me a deist.  I was comfortable with that label.  Especially since I didn't want a label on my spirituality.  Some days, God is God.  And other days, God is Universe, a Goddess of sorts. Back to today's quote.    It does encompass what we decide to put on our energy into.  Negative? Anger? Instead, we can spend our day in joy and in happiness.  And in the positive.  It was a conversation I had some time ago that reminded me to stay the course of positive even with a negative lining.  Today, on my time line, I posted this odd quote of sorts.  There is so much awful in the world.  But if you look for it, there is much beauty and wonderful in the world.  Glass half empty or half full? Just making room for more vodka! Inspiration can come anywhere, everywhere.  Just gotta look for it.  Now, where's that cinnamon vodka again? You know me and comic relief.  The inspiration today came in the form of one of my former classmates and friends fighting in stage 3 cancer.  She had posted a picture of herself bald. What a ballsy and wonderful move.  I even used the f word without bleeping it.  But the inspiration also  came the other day with a former classmate of mine revealing the two year anniversary of her rape in a post.  It was set as a poem.  We can stay in the negative.  We can stay in the angry.  It's much harder to stay in the positive.  But we're strong.  We embrace our colorful lives and its many ebbs and flows of life.  The Aviators by Helen Jane Long is on.  We accept certain realities in our lives.  We figure out what we can live with.  What we can live without.  Sometimes that also means whom.  We find out deal breakers for ourselves and for others towards us.  We find out about ourselves.  We discover just how resilient we are.  Or aren't.  There is another story of not being resilient.  And what that means for those around them.  But that's another story.  It's important how we spend our days.  I hope we spend it well.

Tuesday, May 16, 2017

Letters to my Future Self

It's beautiful and interesting that of the many gifts I got from a loved one, one was a grumpy cat book and also a guided journal.  But also a little booklet called, "Letters to my Future Self".  Each year on August 1st I find something courageous to do or at least something out of my comfort zone.  However, I might change it up a bit and include adventures with writing of sorts.  I think I will start the book on August 1st of this year and open it up next year.  A year of where I directly can say I started healing.  This past August I became whole in the most unexpected way.  By facing Javier.  This next year can be about being whole, just by learning each day the power of healing.  Next year, I can reflect upon it.  Just last night, I had a conversation online with another survivor( a friend from high school.)  It was the first time I had openly commented and identified Javier in any way.  That was a step.  I don't need to plaster his name.  Just my quiet way of educating the public, advocating for survivors, and sharing my courage is enough.  Sometimes, even just providing inspirational quotes and funny stuff is a way to be courageous.  I show the world that this one thing did not define me.  It's a big step for a survivor.  It was helpful to learn my friend's story too so that I could relate or connect with it.  It's not easy to choose to rise above the pain.  And some days I find my inner demons winning a little more than I want.  But between Jeremy, my support system, work, blogging, and other outlets, I find peace.

Monday, May 15, 2017

A peek

The struggle is real.  Still obsessed with light fixtures

I got these from my cousin, BLD

So Monday

The insanity that was Mother's Day


Don't be afraid to be amazing

That is the first quote that I got to see.  It' from Andy Offut Irwin.   It seems so simple...and yet so profound.  It was one of the Mother's Day gifts I got yesterday.  What a day.  It was so personal.  And sentimental.  It kind of overwhelmed me, honestly.  This weekend, in general was needed.  I was exhausted from working so much last week.  But it was all worth it to see the smiles on Mother's Day.  Eventide by Michael Hoppe is on.  Back to the quote.  It seems so simple.  But it struck a chord in me.  Maybe because I'm partial to the word Amazing.  Encouraging words are so vital.  But it's important to start seeing the words for ourselves before wanting to see or hear them from other people.  I learned that the hard way.  These days, I look for the words myself that reaffirm this amazing person I am.  It's not conceitedness.  It's many years of not being able to believe those words.  Don't be afraid to be Amazing.  You are truly a gift to this world.  If only you get to see the special qualities you bring to this world.  If there is only one time you get to see those words, then here they are....DON'T BE AFRAID TO BE AMAZING.  Go be the hero I know and the world knows you can be.  Go be the kind of person this world needs right now.  We all have something to contribute to the world.  We just need to find it within ourselves.  And maybe, just maybe it comes with a nudge.

Thursday, May 11, 2017

To me, from me

You little badass.  When did you grow balls? Sometimes you (me?) surprise me with how well you handle possible stressful situations.  I mean...after used to be little Mrs. anxiety ball.  You don't feel the anxiety like you used to.  There are days that it likes to pop up.  There are days that certain things, memories, or people can run rampant on possible triggers.  Especially in the way of having to stand up for yourself.  You go with your bad self.  I'm proud of you.  You amaze me.  And instead of having to praise or blame an's all you.  Or me.... lol

Yes.  I do talk to myself.  I even answer myself.  Am I crazy? Of course, I am.  I'm just the good kind of crazy.  The kind that you love having around lol

a sigh with that smile

What a day! My job is never boring.  And if it is, it is to recharge for days, like today.  Each client comes with different needs to be met.  It's a balance on what they want versus what they need with many times relying on feedback, updates, or tips from family members.  I was a fill in for clients I had before.  At times, can be stressful but nothing I can't handle.  My new thing is if I can handle that one incident, I can handle anything.  And between work and the client, I got feedback of doing a great job and exactly what I needed to do.  It's funny knowing that I am right on point.  Because before I would be running around in my head worrying whether I was doing a good job or not.  But I still needed a Starbucks after that!!! Mama deserved it.  And it's Happy Hour until Sunday so perfect timing as soon as I got off work.  I love my job.  It takes a certain patience with it.  I'll tell you that.  But I love my job.  Every time I am working, I know I help people.  I make a difference.  And something about helping the elderly just makes it so meaningful.
The crazy things people leave on my timeline

I need a hug...and a Starbucks!!!

ooooh. My starbucks.  My King is coming home soon.  I can't wait for that hug! lol

Monday, May 8, 2017

to ponder

I love this picture of us.  It's silly.  Every day is a blessing with her.  Especially since she is older.  15 years old.  

Food for thought

Indeed.  I posted this to my timeline along with the picture below.


The human condition

So I had a funny thing happen on Saturday.  One of my best friends had a get together on Saturday.  While we were there, I hit it off with one of the other ladies invited.  I mean, from the get go, we just hit it off and were talking.  Come to find out, this was the person my best friend had always told me I should meet.  She knew we would hit it off.  When my best friend saw us, she smiled and said, "I knew you two would hit it off.".  And then, we looked at each other.  "Oh, You're the one!!!", simultaneously.  It was hilarious.  You think it was scripted.  It's not necessarily that "Laura" and I have all things in common.  But somehow, we felt like we had always known each other.  What was even funnier was seeing how well our husbands hit it off.  I hadn't even put two and two together and associated her and her husband.  But I noticed my husband hit it off with someone too.  It reminded me of how complete strangers sometimes connect better than what seemed like friends in the past.  It was a weird revelation.  I think part of the line of thought came from a conversation regarding Javier.  I actually said I was relieved I don;t mean anything to him.  That I was that disposable.  Sounds crazy, right? But hear me out.  Once I got my healing journey going.  Once I saw my value, I saw that his opinion meant and means shit.  And so does anyone that has a negative opinion.  That's not to say that someone that has a constructive critique of me doesn't have merit or credentials in what they say.  It just means that I don't seek validation in anyone's opinion.  Which is strange...coming from me.  My healing journey is a work in progress still.  I have much too learn through the constant healing that life has to offer me.  Yes, life has thrown some serous lemonades at me.  And while I can't make margaritas with them because Tequila hates me....I figure something out.  You find hacks.  You find ways to see the positive in each negative situation.  And while I have always known that philosophy, I think my heart somehow forgot certain aspects of that mantra.  Life is too short.  I got told something beautiful that just hit me like a ton of bricks.  Life is too short and full of the opportunity to dwell in ugliness.  That's paraphrasing but you get the idea.  Even the cries I might have.  The sighs I might have.  The tiredness I might have.  I am truly blessed and lucky.  I have my health.  Yes.  I really said...I had have my health.  I'm a high functioning Epileptic.  How many Epileptics you know work AND drive? I work hard to keep my health in control.  I have friends that ground me and keep me sane when inner demons like have to fun with me.  It's so easy to let insecurities get the best of us.  You're not smart enough.  You're fat.  You are getting older.  You're not good enough.  Your thoughts and values don't matter.  Far more scars go into rape than just physical.  One of the theories that I was helped with to understand is that Javier doesn't like to leave evidence.  That's why there were never any physical scars.  It's scary to see these days the kind of rape culture we really have.  I mean...what is interesting to remember while not getting too political is...the explanation I got for someone voting for someone that overtly was mysoginistic.  Yeah.  But I'm not voting for him because of that.  That's still part of him.  And it was hard to make an argument when the other side to vote had the title of enabler.
I still don't understand certain things being thrown around regarding healthcare.  My condition is on there.  I'm not sure where this blog entry direction was going.  Life still keeps going.  I'm working alot more.  27-32 hours is like putting in 40.  But one of my friends introduced me to an interesting hack.  Pedialyte.  Don't judge me. lol I took one today and while I'm pooped, it's not passing out exhausted pooped.  And I'm having to deal with two nights of staying up late during the weekend.  Off the soap box I go.  I try to mostly center this blog around my healing journey, health, marriage, and life.  But here and there I do bring up things to think about.  These things affect me so I write about them.  I want to say sorry that I offended someone.  But I can't.  I wish decency was part of our normal.  I wish people didn't have to deal with being violated on a physical, ,mental, emotional, and /or sexual capacity.  But we do.  It just makes us stronger.  And for those who can't be, maybe this blog is their voice.  You come into my world and learn something.  That I'm silly.  That I'm human.  That I'm kind.  That I make mistakes.  That I am genuine and forthcoming.  That I'm human.  It's important to document the human condition.

Thursday, May 4, 2017


Actually kind of loopy right now.  I gave blood today.  I hadn't for a while because my health wasn't where I wanted to be. It's better now. I'm tired.  I'm ready for a nap.  But wanted to at least say hi.  I hope you're well.  I'm ready to sleep in the weekend.  I got to sleep in today.  Sleep is my medicine.  It helps me maintain my life.  What else? Things are good.  Preparing for Lovie graduating and moving in.  I wish I had more for you but sometimes I am a nice boring person doing my life.  Take care.  Nap.  I'm gonna take that nap.

Tuesday, May 2, 2017


Want.  They're lamps

Food for thought

Damn, Skippy!


L gave me this duct tape.  Wine is the duct tap for women.  It fixes everything.  But now, Unicorn duct tape fixes everything!!!

Kind words, kind gestures

Maybe because I was on my last energy yesterday did I feel extra sensitive today.  The Mondayest of Mondays.  Work part was great.  I love MR.  Except for the other day where she was having her own storm, we have such a great system going.  However, the rest of the day was grating on me.  I went to an appointment no woman enjoys.  And my nail caught on something and ripped.  Don't worry.  It's okay to laugh.  I did too.  Then, while 98% of my job is amazing, there is one person that hasn't quite understood healthy boundaries on asking me to work and my condition.  So, they irk me.    Mainly because they don't do their job well and I get affected.  Lucky for me, the good outweighs the bad. The rest of my work is exceptional.   Then, my package came back to me.  I was so exhausted.  I just wanted to go home.  I slept in today.  I needed it.  I wanted to get some birthday things for a belated birthday for my friend, Mrs. W.  I managed to find birthday cake cookies.  And I got her a pink blanket.  I also needed to get some stuff for our dinner tonight with a friend of ours, BEE.  And then, get lunch of course.  I have felt on edge.  Not mad or anything.  More sad on knowing a situation, a reality I have to accept.  And out of nowhere, kind words and kind gestures were given.  Enough to make me cry even more.  I'm already such an emotional and sensitive sap anyways! Those kind words are helping me deal.  Because life doesn't always go your way.  Life takes turns that you can't recover from.  Life happens.  My panel has been wonderful on helping me "deal".  It may seem small to you that you make kind words or kind gestures.  I was grateful for them. I hope I get the opportunity to do that for someone.

Monday, May 1, 2017

and yet

I'm tired.  Exhausted, really.  And yet, here I am....blogging.  Probably because I can't quite sleep yet.  I had a doctor's appointment.  The kind no woman really enjoys but knows it's necessary.  And since I am 40 now, I am the right age for a mammogram.  *Groan*.  I was set to go home when the UPS store told me my package returned to me.  Sighs.  I just wanted to go home.  I'm not mad.  I'm just...tired.  I wanted to hang out with a friend but I need to sleep in tomorrow.  And of course, my old client.  I am looking forward to my hot lunch date with Jeremy this week.  And I'm giving blood after almost two years.  I feel like something is going on somewhere, somehow.  Somewhere I have to make sure I have my calendar.  And then figure out other players involved with my calendar.  It's life.  But when I'm exhausted it's a ughs, life.  As soon as I get that nap, I'll feel better.  I just have the hamster thinking too much.  and yet....I'm blogging.  Walk away, Jess.  Go rest.  Stare at the ceiling if you have to.  Jeremy finally registered for his test.  I'm excited and nervous for him.  Okay...must rest.  This is a sloppy blog entry.  Sorry.  I just am not much for braining at this point.