Friday, February 27, 2015
I have spent the last few days with friends getting back some of my strength. I needed a week to get my head back straight. My head space was fuzzy, which seems understandable. An experience liking watching a person pass can change you. I've pondered things this week. Jeremy and I are getting back to a routine. Today, I decided to de clutter much of the house. It helps me to gather my thoughts. I feel a sense of control in a sometimes chaotic mindset that I hold. Recently, though I think I utilized my more calming side of me. That's a surprise, most especially to me. I've had so much support so I think it's why I was less wound up. If I did have wound up moments I had outlets to release them. I am an emotional person. I do look at the world and decipher how the world will turn by the behavior we display. However, I am learning to process that information with logic. Maybe that is why organizing is therapy.
Thursday, February 26, 2015
A conversation and some play therapy got me thinking about super power. Mine is silliness. Hear me out. I make people aimed and perhaps laugh in the most dire of times. It's a gift. I recognize that while sadness or even anger at times is present, keeping a sense of humor is crucial. The other is my caregiver skill. I take care of you. I do it with utmost pride. The honor that drives butlers and secretaries to have that vintage code that once existed, I caregiver with that code. You can't teach some of the skills I possess. I forgot ny own value with that. I have plenty of confidence in my personal life. I don't feel the same about my professional. However, I was reminded just how valuable I am for my presence and what impact I really have. Super power.....what's yours?
Wednesday, February 25, 2015
Tuesday, February 24, 2015
So much has transpired in the past week. There is much sadness and heartbreaking from this experience. Yet, there are positives from it. In it, the experience has changed me, Jeremy, and my relationship. It changed my Kearney family. Our new reality must converge forward. Let's see where the pieces go from there.
Monday, February 23, 2015
Friday, February 20, 2015
Some days have blurred and bent together. The family is exhausted. However, there are strides. There isn't progress with health Hospice is now involved. At least he will be comfortable. A nap was in order. When a nap is everything you start cherishing and reserve your energy for the big stuff.
Thursday, February 19, 2015
When you become numb and shut down certain aspects of emotions to go what I call"survival " mode. I guess because of the Epilepsy I have to consider the balance of anxiety. It's a tricky thing. I have cried a couple of times. It's hard watching Grandpa Jim. But to be present I must keep my strength so I can be strong for others, if only to be present. When your mindset and headspace is on a different plane, it's these small things that aren't so small that are important. Mental and emotional strength play a role to keeping the physical.
Wednesday, February 18, 2015
Tuesday, February 17, 2015
Friday, February 13, 2015
Thursday, February 12, 2015
I don't celebrate Valentine's day. I usually don't. But I happen to remember a distant memory. Today is Divorce-day. I got inspired by the movie "What dreams may come" and started my own acknowledgement of the day. Being married sort of faded the memory of celebrating it or at least acknowledging it. But since today was such a good day it's replaced with a new memory. I actually thought today would be bad. I haven't been sleeping well. I finally called the doctor and got an appointment. I'm sure it's nothing but it is a little bit of a concern because it's affecting my sleep patterns. So here's to Divorce day. Thank you, Woody for asking for a divorce. You did me a favor. I am married to an incredible man now. I wouldn't know what it is to truly be married if I hadn't had a bad experience to relate it to. So...thank you.
Wednesday, February 11, 2015
Tuesday, February 10, 2015
An interesting conversation arose about having different cups of tea. I will be the first to tell you that I probably raise eyebrows a time or two of my cups of tea. I also may not completely get others in their taste of tea. I'm fascinated with psychology because it plays such an integral part of our lives. While I am not using it on a professional basis it does come in handy in my personal life. Moreover, it comes in handing in helping to support others in the journey they take. That's an important part of my support. I support your pace. It may not be my pace. In fact, I will be the first to admit I may not understand all of your journey. Frankly, it's none of my business to understand it. It's not my journey. It's not my process. We all have a different process. And we all have a story for that. I love having friends from all different perspectives. I learn from it all. And I never stop learning. I will always be a student of life. I learned slowly that my biggest legacy will be the support I give you by my love. That is my legacy. I won't have an award, trophy, or really any documentation I did this or that it's ingrained in my legacy. However, I will know. I do know. We are travelers in this adventure. We have had different experiences. We have had similar experiences. We have stories to tell. So here's to those stories. Here's to all different and same cups of tea.
Monday, February 9, 2015
Friday, February 6, 2015
Thursday, February 5, 2015
A conversation I had with a friend got me thinking of fears. Actually, if I think about it two conversations got me to that line of thinking. Fears. I don't know about you but my fears debilitate me sometimes. What am I afraid of, though? Well, for starters...I am always so afraid of people to see me have seizures. Even people I love and whom accept that this is part of me I still fear what they will react to. For that, sometimes I think overcompensate on this bigger than life personality. Which can sometimes be a bit much for some. No worries. Sometimes it's a bit much for me. Sometimes it's like fighting with different sides of my personality figuring out who gets to come out and play. I sound crazy. In some ways, I am. I'm the functional kind though. I won't go postal or anything. I've managed to control my outbursts and meltdowns. I also changed my environment through my social relations. My health really does depend on the kind of relationships I have. As I age, I notice I don't have the same tolerance of negativity. I don't need happy go lucky Holly but Negative Nancy is not for me. Fears...I used to fear being irrelevant in this world. Jeremy has helped me along with that. I feel that man's love every moment. On the outside world we are this comedic pair. Behind closed doors, we still are. But we have a softer side. One the world doesn't have to be privy to. Today, my fear might be failure in general. This test used to do a number on me. I'm mostly frustrated by it. I will pass one day. And I will savor that moment. I fear sometimes that I interpret things incorrectly. I process thoughts differently anyways so it might add to complications. I respect Jeremy a lot so it helps to run things by him. Granted, it's about standing on my own thoughts. We are working on that. But I do trust he has my best interest in mind. He is my teacher. I am constantly learning from him. I think I always will. And for that acceptance and yearn Jeremy covets that. I don't know that he is ever been adored like that. That kind of love can warm even the most staunch of men. And it does. So back to fears. Fears can overpower us. But if we have someone with us on the adventure in overcoming them then anything that's thrown at us will be just that...overcome.
Wednesday, February 4, 2015
Watching a show and the idea of significant others working together cane up. I love Jeremy ' s company but I liked having my own identity. I imagine for us, it helps us to miss each other. Some people probably can. Maybe we could but I'd rather not find out. I like that we have enough space to enjoy each other....to appreciate each other.
Tuesday, February 3, 2015
I was reading a gossip site. Yes. I have guilty pleasures. But it occurred to me that while the idea of fame seems positive it's not. I don't want my life blasted everywhere. I'd lie if I said I'm not affected by what people say about me. Imagine on that level. I considered acting once. I mostly wanted to do theater. However, I didn't have a passion for it that I'd want people poking around. And even if I didn't make it that much I'd be scrounging. That doesn't seem stable. Just me.
Monday, February 2, 2015
The more time Jeremy and I spend together as a couple solidifies such a bond that I only really have had with my mom...if that makes sense. I have my friends but something about living with a person day in and day out...you see sides to people. I have three previous experiences with living with a guy. Rickard, Brad, and Woody. Two have been boyfriends. One has been a husband. All three said in some way I was difficult to live with. That's a statement! What I have learned is compromise and partnership. For all practical purposes Jeremy is the dominant partner. But he doesn't conduct himself in such a way that I would recognize it as dominant. He's more passive. I believe I used to fight or go against the grain of an argument simply to argue. These days I argue to convey my point, where I see the perspective or to point out another angle of things. It might not even be up for debate. I might be in complete agreement. But it's good to have different perspectives. I don't speak to Brad or Woody. Those were the volatile relationships. I felt like a prisoner of my own emotions. Rickard and I were different. If we were older we might have worked. This relationship help me to understand certain aspects of my relationship now with Jeremy. We are friends now. We have a unique perspective on relationships because we are friends and exes. When that pattern has been set that I was difficult I didn't know what to make of it. Jeremy has helped me to see I was a peg built from a square and trying to fit in a circle. We are opposites. Yet, we make it work. We fought long ago. It was messy and ugly. It was almost the end. That night we promised to show our feelings, to communicate better, to stick it out, and to have a better understanding of what we wanted from each other. We still have spats. But Jeremy understands emotional reasoning better and its place in the world. I also understand where logic should go. It's been an interesting compromise. Jeremy doesn't spew out poems. He doesn't go to see a romantic movie with me. But when it comes to my birthday, our anniversary, and Mother's Day....he gets a card that conveys all that he has to say. And he also writes in it. With that, I leave little requests of what I want rather than expect him to know. I don't need to nag anymore. In fact, I leave little notes for myself now too since I am just as forgetful. Living with Jeremy before we were married proved difficult at times because I wanted to be married. That sometimes created tension. We are married. Unless one of us did something drastic, we are growing old together. Granted, we don't know what the future holds. But Jeremy and I both know we are a good pair together. We are partners in crime. We get each other's little things, the wonderful and annoying things. A beautiful friendship only helps us to appreciate the company even more. I realized a while back...I wasn't supposed to fit into those relationships. I've only really had 5. Which is strange. I've had far more physical relationships than that. But actual relationships...only 5. And one or two is is questionable. Javier 5 1/2 years. Rickard 1 1/2 years Woody (no dating and married 1 year} Justin 4 months Brad 5 months Dirk...sighs I don't think I can count that but sure...we okay there was companionship with no physical. And then Jeremy...6 1/2 years before marrying. Breaking it down like that is interesting.