William James

ACT AS IF WHAT YOU DO MAKES A DIFFERENCE. IT DOES.
-William James

Touching Silence by Nadama and Shastro is on.
It's interesting to come across this quote.  "Mary" and her words touched upon this last week.  "You don't know the impact you have on us." That makes me smile.  Especially, on a day where inner demons like to work on me.  They are less times.  But they still happen.  This time it was about success in a professional sense.  Because of my condition, I had to change careers.  Social work would not be a good fit for my health.  I tried massage therapy but I haven't been able to pass the test.  I've failed it by one point, twice.  That can be discouraging.  Then, I have to remind myself that success is not necessarily just measured monetarily.  It would be great if I made more money.  But the kind of work that I do is important.  I'd be able to do so much more, professionally if I wasn't dealing with my condition.  I have limits.  I can't work a 40 hour week anymore.  I pushed myself on a 38 hour, once.  I nearly collapsed the next week.  I do what I can, when I can.  Back to making a difference.  I must remind myself that I do.  I'm not sure what stirred up the insecurity on that.  I guess from time to time, life just finds a way to unfold those insecurities.  We must learn how to deal with them.  We must learn how to react to them.  My success is not measured in the amount of money I make.  My success is measured in the difference I am making. 

Since then

Well....some things happened since last week.  So...I was on my way to work on Thursday, when I had an a typical seizure.  I get warnings.  Something felt wrong.  I was 6 minutes from my client.  And super super early.  I tend to do that.  I could feel I only had a little bit of time to talk.  My left side goes numb.  I'm still completely there with you but my left side is week for about 20-30 minutes, depending on the severity of the seizure.  I call these episodes because they don't feel entirely like a full episode.  Also, a new variable entered.  Right before it happened, I felt hot all over.  Almost like a hot flash.  It was bizarre.  I called work and explained the situation.  I love my company.  They yanked me off of my assignment that day.  Told me to call Jeremy.  I called Jeremy and right away he asked me if I wanted him to pick me up.  Yes.  I know what might be going through your mind.  Why isn't she calling 911? Because they will tell me.  Guess what? You had a seizure.  Here's$ 100-200 for EMS bill.  And $500 for a hospital visit.  Jeremy took me home.  My friend, Red came over.  I tend to be kind of an emotional mess from these things.  I'm embarrassed, mostly.  I finally got my mobility back on my left side and called for an appointment with my neurologist.  I managed to get one in for that day.  Red offered to take me.  MV has been my PA for 4 years now.  I don't have a severe case of Epilepsy so my Doctor asked me if he could transfer me.  I said that was fine.  She's amazing.  We were going to labs on Monday. Checking for levels and my thyroid.  I ended talking with a manager at Caring Companions and explained the situation.  I requested to be taken off permanent assignment.  I was pushing all activities back until Wednesday.  They understood.  They would take care of it.  I had a funeral to go to.  I canceled that.  I had a belated birthday dinner for me.  I rescheduled that.  I was due to go back Tuesday.  I yanked myself off permanently.  It wasn't until yesterday that I worked my morning and afternoon shift.  My afternoon, for her own reasons doesn't always keep the assignment on Wednesday.  But that day she did.  My morning assignment has been requesting more often.  It's not work with "Victoria". I feel like I'm hanging out with a friend and getting paid.  So I worked yesterday.  Things seemed to running smoothly.  I'm tired.  And it was great sleeping in.  I think, in some ways I am still recovering.  That is the other thing.  It doesn't take me this long to bounce back.  It's taking me longer this time.  I've got my strength back.  But I don't feel quite myself, if that makes any sense.  Honestly, it feels more behavioral than anything.  Which sounds bizarre.  It hasn't affected my daily life enough that it's bad.  It's just different.  On top of this, my phone port seems to not want to work.  So I gotta get to a Sprint.  I'm trying to see if I can push off Grocery shopping until tomorrow, after work.  I have dinner for tonight.  I was doing great.  I had gone almost 9 months without an incident of any kind.  I gotta head out.  Life is frustrating but I still have it better than most people with Epilepsy.  I am a special case.  I have had limits, for sure.  But my quality of life has been good.   I don't take that for granted or take it lightly.  I understand the position I have and am very grateful.

Catching you up

You gotta have fun at work.  Keeps us young.

So Whiskers

Wedding in Dallas

An excuse to wear my beanie!

Profile picture

Nom nom nom

That's a wrap

So very true.  

Nom Nom Nom

John Beecher

STRENGTH IS A MATTER OF A MADE UP MIND

 -John Beecher

I can see this line of thought.  It reminded me of a conversation about threshold.  Certain people have a higher threshold for trauma and pain.  It's not to say that someone who reacts to trauma and pain with more hardship is lesser of anything.  One doesn't know their back story. One doesn't know if they were on their last straw of strength.  One just doesn't know.  So one shouldn't judge.  However, you gotta give it to those who have made up their mind that strength is their motivation.  You have to hand it someone who strength is a matter of a made up mind.  I watched as "Mary" was telling me about her life.  "Mary" never feels like work.  She is just a hoot.  She has things and a condition to contend with.  It doesn't stop her from still getting out and enjoying life.  She reminds me of this quote.  It made me smile as I listened to her stories.  I love my job.  I was made for this job.  I feel happy contributing to a bigger cause.  Something bigger than me.  I help the elderly find their independence.  And when they need it, I'm right there to help.  Just some food for thought today.  This weekend was beautiful.  We went up to see Jeremy's cousin get married.  It was a beautiful ceremony.  I'm glad we got to experience it.  I have a busy week this coming week.  So I may be a little quiet on the blog front, my quiet spaces.  Have a great day.  Have a sparkling day!

Jane Porter

HAPPINESS IS NOT PERFECTED UNTIL IT IS SHARED-
Jane Porter

This was an interesting quote to to me.  I actually see the line of thought.  My happiness usually has some association to giving or sharing.  However, I do see the beauty in solitude and isolation.  That quiet is something beautiful too.   People find happiness is different ways.  I tend to have mine wrapped in giving and sharing.  Case in point, my blog.  It brings me such happiness to put my thoughts down.  Whatever that is.  But not everyone has that vibe. Either some would wish not to "people" or some just are shy.  I watch Jeremy and I.  Certainly, over the years, I've rubbed off on him.  He is more social.  And strangely, I have homebody moments myself.  But I am the social butterfly.  I realized how much when I was talking to a stranger.  In 5 minutes, this woman and I stopped being strangers.  It was surreal and a strange phenomenon to experience once I was actually thinking about it.  The best thing I can say is be happy in your authentic self and moments.  It feels good to not worry about what people think.  That used to be something I worried about.  Low self esteem will do that to you.  It's not to say I don't take into consideration to what people say.  It's just I make up my mind on something.  I still respect feedback.  Especially with those I respect their insight and opinion.  Like Jeremy's.  But even then, in the end, my thought or thoughts on the matter is what matters to me the most.  Imagine that? My thoughts and voice matter.  What a concept.  For me, HAPPINESS IS NOT PERFECTED UNTIL IT IS SHARED because I haven't done it for years.  I am still catching up on it.  Out of It All by Helen Jane Long is on. 

The line of work

Sort of building on that blog entry of impact, it struck me regarding times I have doubts on where my life leads me.  As people have been doing their job, having careers, and making money, professionally, I have felt so lost.  Truthfully, I felt like a loser in the past.  Now, keep in mind, I was also dealing with the before Me that had Javier's voice in my head instead of mine.  So I take that into account regarding my thoughts on professional life.  Many survivors have difficulty on functioning in life.  As you have read in my blog entries, I used aspects in order to survive.  I had a very Lifetime kind of life before settling into a Hallmark kind of life.  And even with my Hallmark life, my rape had a lot to do with how I was reacting to things in my marriage.  I was always trying not to define that one incident as my whole life.  The problem was I wasn't facing that I hadn't faced it.  So you can imagine that many of us survivors can't quite hold jobs like we would.  You have different type of survivors.  Some barrel their way into work and become ballbusters.  Some whither into oblivion.  Much of it, I attribute to the kind of experiences we had growing up.  I was handling my personal life well enough.  But I was wandering around, without direction.  I hadn't realized at the time my undergrad wasn't a direct jump to a career.  It's more broad.  Knowing that, I'm not sure, looking back if I would've chosen it.  I have a master's in psychology.  However, because of my Epilepsy, I am limited on the places I can work.  I had wanted to go into social work.  Unfortunately, it isn't conducive to my health.  I tried Massage Therapy.  That seemed like a promising lead.  I haven't been able to pass the test.  By 1 point.  Twice.  I struggle with the test.  I don't test well already.  While my learning disability hasn't been a monkey wrench for me in the past, I noticed it was part of my struggle with this test.  But here I am, in this line of work.  It's not glamorous.  But it's important work.  And for the clients I have, in some ways, I am their hero.  I am a friend.  I am a companion.  I am a helper.  I am an "assistant".  I am an odd sort of family friend.  I am an extension of them, at times.  People have a purpose in this life.  Mine is caregiving.  One way or another, I've been a caregiver all my life.  It's just my nature as an Empath.  Over the course of my life, I have found those who take advantage of my giving nature.  Most especially like someone with Narcissistic traits like Javier.  It didn't stop me from continuing my caregiving.  I did Customer Service for 20 years.  I might've stayed if it wasn't so stressful.  I was a legal assistant for 2.  I might've stayed if it was less stressful.  Caregiving has its own kind of stress but somehow, I can handle it.  Somehow, my condition is controlled under this umbrella.  I've been 9 months seizure free.  And even the episode I had was not a full seizure.  I am the healthiest I have ever been.  The line of work may not seem important to you, but like Sandra Bullock says... You're a hero to the person that gets the seat
We're a hero to someone that receives our service. Structures from Silence from Steve Roach is one

You don't know the impact

This all sort of sorted out of a negative situation.  But the outcome is beautiful.  I should probably start from the beginning.  Or some sense of a beginning.  I have a wicked sense of humor.  It takes a lot to offend me.  I have male friends so I have heard many things.  When it gets to be much, I let them know, it may not be me that actually gets offended but they are still crossing a line that other females may not feel the same, and they are entitled to it.  They aren't overreacting.  Same for racial comments that seem off colored.  So when I get offended, it's weird.  Someone sent me an distasteful ( I am putting it lightly) video.  Strangely, the video didn't offend me.  It was the presumption that this person knew me well enough to know I wouldn't get offended.  They didn't it.  Fast Forward to me actually posting it on my Facebook that I unfriended and blocked someone.  It seems arbitrary and yet, in some way it affected me. 

That's the negative

Here's the positive:

One of the comments made was from a classmate friend who I hadn't talked to in 25 years.  We will call her " Sherri."  "Sherri" and I started talking about old times.  We laughed and reflected on the kids we were and how we had evolved and grown up into the people we were today.  Then, the conversation got a little more serious.  She told me a story.  It was a day I had encouraged her.  We were having to run in class.  I was fast.  I mean...fast.  I kept up with the boys, if not beat some of them sometimes.  For whatever reason, that day, I wasn't worried about time or anything. I kept up with her.  I encouraged her.  And for the first time, she didn't walk the mile.  She ran it.  After she finished, I remembered the wonderfully silly dance we did in celebration.  As she was telling the story, the cob webs in my brain was reminding me of this day.  She said it stuck with her.  That day stuck with her for many years.  And when she struggled, she remembered my kindness. 

I happen to see an article a few days later.  It was about a child, in an elevator, getting berated by their parent.  As the child got out, a stranger said, "It's not you, it's her.".  That stuck with the child.  That act of kindness.

I had no idea what impact I had on "Sherri." However, she shared such an important feedback that I didn't even know about myself.  Give or take a behavior or two, I have been this same person.
That might not seem significant for you.  For me, it's everything.  I've been 3 people.  I've lived 3 lifetimes.  Yet, here she was, describing a child version of the person, essentially I try to be, every day.  It made me smile.  It helped me to see that while Javier had broken much of my spirit in those 20 years, I was that same person.  The comfort of knowing that was invaluable.  The reason I bring this up is because you don't know the impact you bring to someone, good or bad.  Imagine the impact you bring in a positive aspect.  Imagine how someone feels from you giving that kindness.  Sometimes, it might be the only kindness they have.  You don't know.  I hope today, we, as a society can give an ounce of kindness.  It doesn't have to be grand.  I was watching, "While you were Sleeping' last night and in the movie, there is a scene where Sandra Bullock's character is talking to Peter Ghallager 's character about being a hero.  He doesn't feel like much of a hero.  She says he is.  "You give up your seat to others".  (Him) That's not being a hero (Her) It is to the one who gets the seat.  Small acts are just as big as the big acts.  They all amount to being kinder in the world.  I hope today we can be kinder.  Maybe we can change world, one kind gesture at a time. 
Swimming UPstream by Dean Evenson and Soundings Ensemble is on.

T shirt of my dreams

I love this shirt

I love how much of a nerd I am with this shirt.  I also have Harry Potter earrings, Doctor Who necklace and socks.  Yup.  Nerding it up.  

Nightmare

I had a nightmare of Javier raping me on Tuesday.  It came out of nowhere.  There isn't any significant date.  I haven't had negative thoughts.  Just poof.  And it wasn't the actual scene, the way it happened.  But his face.  His face was the same.  The I don't love for myself and I see this strength from you.  I want to acquire it. But along the way he figured just because you acquire something, doesn't mean you get it.  He didn't seem to ever find that self love.  So he destroyed mine face.  That's the one.    Well...almost.  I'd been on the fringe for 20 years.  I held on, though.  I'm stubborn like that
Therapy, learning to love myself, and support is why I am here today.  I recognize that somewhere along the way, the #Metoo movement will have skewed moments.  But it has helped me find a voice.  The kind of culture we live in normalizes how sometimes a female is treated.  I didn't realize it until I looked around and realized that I'm supposed to be seen, not heard.  I'm an anomaly.  I tend to say things that point out fallacies in someone's argument for treating someone else badly.  I've lost friendships because of it.  Nowadays, I find a way to convey my discomfort if I see something.  It depends on how close I am to you.  It's not because I don't care.  It's because I reserve my energy.  I only have so much.  I'm like a phone with a draining battery.  I get charged back up but use of me does mean drain.  Even for the little things.  Granted, I am feeling healthier.  But I have to balance it all.  It's a process to balance.  It's not something I can expect anyone to understand unless they have a condition that gives them fatigue.  Every day has its new opportunities and challenges.  Every day I work with those opportunities and challenges.  It's all I can do.